How long is it going to last?

I am not feeling well. Morning sickness, which is hitting me more in the afternoon, is not going well. I gag very easily as it is but now... In surgery there are lots of gross things some people may think. Very little bothers me most of the time. I am not big on vomit and mucous. I don't do well with anything suctioned out of an airway any day of the year. I usually ignore it and it is fine. Right now however, the sound of upper airway suctioning is killing me. The sight of an ET tube coming out of a patient with secretions hanging off of it does me in. Part of my job is to be next to the patient while they are waking up and while the airway is being managed. These are not things I can avoid. I don't know what to do. Today, there happened to be two anesthetists in the room in addition to the scrub, my trainee, and myself. That was the only reason I could run out and vomit until I thought my eyes would explode. God help me. I am really tired of hearing that sometimes this lasts the whole nine months. Of course, it still doesn't feel real to me aside from the sickness and the breasts that feel like they are going to pop, and the need to pee every 5 minutes. Maybe when I can see the baby or get to hear a heart beat, then I will feel better about all the vomit.

Bev

Today I went to the funeral of an incredible woman. Bev was an anesthetist in our department when I started. I only got to work with her for a few years, but she is like no other person I have ever met. She always had a smile on her face and a kind word.

Bev became a nurse many years ago. She was the director of nursing at our town's old hospital. I didn't know that. She was such a sweet woman it surprises me to hear she held that position. She became a nurse anesthetist. She was a missionary in African for more than ten years in the 1960s-1970s. She only left because it became so dangerous they couldn't stay anymore. She was literally airlifted out in the middle of a war.

I loved to hear her tell stories about doing surgery in Africa. They did amazing things with very little. For a long time after I started I thought she might be a nun. She never married and back then I felt sad for her that she didn't have a family of her own. As I got to know her I realized she had a very large family and was extremely close to many of her nieces and nephews. She had a wonderful family.

She retired in 2002, I think. She traveled some. She would stop in and visit us from time to time. She was thoroughly enjoying her retirement. Suddenly she started having some health problems. It took them a bit to figure it about, but she had ALS. Actually a fairly aggressive form of ALS.

Some of her friends and family formed a support group for/with her. I never went, but I'm not sure why. It makes me sad now that I didn't. Bev had a letter written at each of the meetings that was brought back to use and we have a special book where we keep these letters. This woman's faith was amazing. She never had a pity party, she never got mad at God for letting this happen to her. She never questioned why did this happen to her. She was amazing. She was a living breathing angel while she was here with us. Please watch down on me, Bev. Please help me to be a better person like you.

Merry Christmas

Against my better judgement, we told our families today. I'm not sure how it went over. I thought people would be more excited. My sister, aunt, and friends that I told were much more excited than our parents. Hmm... I don't know. I know it is still early and I am apprehensive about getting too attached but I thought the grandparents would be more excited. This will mean the first in my husbands family and the "close one" for my mom. I did tell my boss on Friday and it went very well. I was surprised.

My husband has started talking to my belly and I cry. The first time he did it I sobbed and I don't know why. It just... I don't know causes some hormonal meltdown in me.

I hope everyone out there in blog land had a Merry Christmas. Mine went pretty well. I just wish I had tomorrow off to sleep. No such luck. I am afraid my job is going to kick my ass.

Titles can be too much pressure

I don't feel good today. I have been queasy in the afternoons since last week before I even knew I was pregnant. I was sick this morning though and that was a first. I had been up for awhile and I went and got in bed with my husband. (he was able to make it home surprising fast this time). He hadn't been in bed but for a couple of hours and he was taking me to work today. His alarm had been going off and I thought I would snuggle for a few minutes before I got into the shower. He leaned over to kiss me. The weight of his body made me cough and the cough made me heave. My husband makes me puke. I made it to the bathroom but I was very sick. My poor sweet husband, he got sick from hearing me.

I just feel crummy today. I am crampy and that terrifies me. I kept sitting down at work today because I was affraid I was doing too much. I am just so scared and tired.

Let it snow

You can't see the flakes falling in these pictures but they are relatively large. We are supposed to be in the middle of a huge storm. Last night they said 16 - 22 inches. I don't know what the updated report is yet. We have had hardly any snow this year at all. Now everyone is freaking out. Much of our community is just shutting down. That is great for all of us that work at the hospital. Daycares are closing, roads are closing, some of the schools closed of course. Put we still have patients that need to be cared for. The last time we had a big storm my husband was home and came and got me from work. That time my boss was trying to keep everyone because she was worried about how we would staff the next day. Today she was worried about how she could get people home and if they had any problems trying to get to work tomorrow to TURN AROUND AND GO HOME. I don't understand this woman. I got chewed 0n in the process of trying to figure out who goes where because I was covering for the charge nurse while she was at lunch. I get so confused by this woman. Today I got mad, then upset. I could see that my hormones were taking over, but I couldn't do anything. I felt like I had no control. That was great. My fuse seems to be shorter. I don't want to be know as the "angry pregnant lady."

Anyway, we had about six inches of snow when I got home. The picture of my car is after being home less than 10 minutes. I'm not looking forward to the morning. There is no snow removal in my neck of the woods. The county will sand a busy 4way stop by Friday I would think. We will see. My husband was freaked out about leaving me to go to work. I don't know when he will be back. The trains always slow down when the weather is bad... At least it finally feels a little more like Christmas.

news

The doctor's office said it is true! They gave me a date of august 22, 2007!

Procrastination

I don't know if it was my procrastination or my mothers about my coming into this world. My mother was three weeks over due with me when I was born and 43 weeks is the gestational age I was assessed at birth. What would that be? I didn't want to come out or she didn't want to give me up. Regardless, I was only 19.75 inches long, but a giant 9 lbs 7 oz. I was covered in fat rolls, my skin was peeling off, and it was the only time in my life I had a tan (okay I was orange from jaundice).

My mother is a master procrastinator. I am not nearly as bad, not even close. My mom when to grad school when I was in high school and she would be frantically trying to get papers done the morning they were due. She didn't usually start them until the day or two before they were due. My mom was the master at obtaining extensions. Even still, I don't think the ink was dry when she turned the papers in.

My mom made the dress I wore in my sister's wedding. She had the fabric for months. She didn't even cut it out until the week of the wedding. She was very late to the church for pictures and I had nothing to wear in the meantime. My BIL has two wonderful sisters that can sew. They literally had to sew me into the dress at the church. I kept that in mind when I got married. My mom did do some sewing for me, but it turned out mostly alright. She was still more than 45 minutes late for pictures. The photographer did a really good job of distracting me when she was needed and not there. He was awesome about that. (he is very, VERY odd all the rest of the time, but he does beautiful pictures).

What is my procrastination? Christmas? No. Although, I don't have my Christmas cards mailed because the odd photographer has gotten my pictures to me yet. I ordered a small fortunes worth of wallet sized pictures that I very clearly said were to go in Christmas cards and if I couldn't have them early enough to mail, then I didn't want them at all. (they cost almost $2 each. maybe that isn't unreasonable, but it sure seems like a lot to me!) I have had the cards made, the envelopes stamped and addressed since the first week in December. I just did the letter last week, but I would have done it sooner if I had had the pictures.

My procrastination this time? My body. I wanted so badly, despirately to be pregnant by Christmas this year. I, as I believe I blogged, was heartbroken last Sunday when AF came for a visit. As it turned out, it was only a brief visit, like 36 hours and only about the first 18 or so were the normal visit. Then she left. I told my husband this on Wednesday. He asked if I could be pregnant since it wasn't the same as normal. He reminded me of a friend who thought AF was there for the first three months of THREE of her four pregnancies. I told him I would has my doctor since my body has been foreign to me since I went off BCPs. I did tell him that just out of hope and curiosity I did take a HPT on Monday and it was negative. I wanted to talk to my doctor's nurse because I was embarassed. I am a nurse, but I don't know what is going on with me. She was over with him in surgery and I worked with them, but she got away from me before I could asked her if just maybe... His second assistant wasn't one of the nurse practioners or the midwife I would feel comfortable talking to either. I tried to call his nurse in the office, but I got slammed down by the front desk. I think she could hear a waiver in my voice when I asked for the nurse and she knew it was personal not work related. She told me I would have to go on the list to talk to the triage nurse for the day. I didn't know her and I again I was embarrassed. So in the end, I sucked it up and talked to the doctor. He is the nicest man, but I feel like idiot. "Gee Dr. I bleed for a day and half at the appropriate time but that was it. Do you think maybe? Is it possible?" He patted me on the back and said I could "stop by the office" for a test or just take a HPT. I was getting my hair permed after work and I didn't want to do it if I shouldn't, dare I hope, I might be pregnant. He told me a perm was fine if I was pregnant. I couldn't get to his office, besides, they slammed me down when I did try to "stop by."

I did leave work at 1454 and run by the drug store and get a box of HPTs and ran home even though my hair appointment was at 1520. I don't know about anyone else but I have to pee in a cup to successfully perform the test. #1 two lines. I grabbed another one #2 two lines. I tried to call my husband. I was hyperventilating. I was numb and in shock. I couldn't think. I think I slapped myself and went to get my hair done. I appologized for being late and said maybe, just maybe I was pregnant, would it be alright to get the perm. She said it is safe. It is hair color you have to worry about, but not the kind we use on my hair anyway so I am safe to do that when I want as well. I left the 2 positive tests out on the kitchen counter for my husband to find when he got home (while I was getting my hair done). He was almost crying he was so excited. I used the test #3 on Friday morning and it was positive. Then I had to go out and buy a different kind with the digital read out since I couldn't get into the office until tomorrow. Just in case something was wrong with that entire box. #4 was positive too. I'm not sure we will believe it until we hear it from a dr's office.

Mike can barely contain himself. He wants to tell everyone. I wish we could wait until the first trimester is nearing an end. I said we need to wait until we have an ultrasound and a date. He can't wait that long. I want to wait until after Christmas, because I don't want it to ruin his sister's Christmas because she wants a baby too. I have him convinced that we have to wait until we have the word from the lab test and we have to wait until Christmas. I am barely, BARELY pregnant. I want to hold on to that and keep as my own for a bit. I am a wreck. I'm in shock, I am happy, I am terrified. I wake up because my breasts are so sore, they feel like a bicycle tire pump have been inflating them while I was sleeping. I HAVE been an emotional wreck this week. I just can't believe I got my Christmas miracle. I was accepting that I wasn't pregnant by Christmas and that we were going to need to seek some help.

My work Christmas party was last night and I made my husband drink a fair amount at the party to cover up for the fact that I wasn't. I was the DD since he needed to celebrate for passing is test and making it through his very stressful class this past week. The poor baby is not much of a drinker. Two beers and it is bed time. He had three at dinner and then we were supposed to go to a coworkers after party. We got there and there were 75 people and I only knew about ten. I didn't even see the hostess. That is certainly not Mike's scene and it was a bit much for me because it had been going for hours it appeared. It wasn't what I understood it to be so we left. We went over to another coworker's new house and laughed our asses off. Mike drank more than he has ever had in his life. We had a good time. The other place wouldn't have been fun like this.

So the spell check doesn't work and I really can't spell so I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose...

I did it

...for him. I didn't want to and I didn't get very many other decorations out at all, but I put up the tree for my husband. I watched me assemble the actual tree and then I had to do all the lights and decorating. He's 6'2", I'm 5"5", and tree is seven feet tall (not counting the sad goofy branch at the top). Who should be putting the lights on. Yes, some how it is the shorty. Oh well, then I get everything my way. I didn't get out a lot of the ornaments and I used icicles instead of the tinsel DH likes.

I am tired and worked with one of the regular abusers (the surgeon to the nurses) today. It wore me out. We had very difficult cases, but I got to leave on time and come home. I have to get on the computer now because my husband will be on it the entire night once he gets home. He has a week of class and he is really worried about the test at the end. If he doesn't pass his job stops and he has to travel to Salt Lake City on our dime to retake the test. The poor sweetheart just isn't a good test taker. He has been studying really hard and I am very proud of him. I need to write my Christmas letter since my cards have been done since Thanksgiving weekend. I am waiting for some wedding pictures too to send out with the cards. I haven't really been in the frame of mind for writing a letter to all my friends and family, but I think today is going to be the day.

No title

Yesterday I was on call. Surgery is closed on Sundays except for emergencies and there is a scrub and circulating nurse on call. I was called at 0700 to come in to do a case at 0800. Technically 0700 is when my shift starts, but if a Dr has a "scheduled emergency" they let us know a head of time. We all have different jobs and different understandings of each others jobs but for GOD'S SAKE IF YOU HAVE A CASE THAT NEEDS TO START AT 0800 WE NEED MORE NOTICE. Our required response time for emergencies is 20 minutes. It never takes me that long and I am usually the first person there getting everything gathered together. On Sundays it really is just the two of us (plus two anesthesia providers). We come in, we have to figure out what we are doing, get what we need, open the sterile supplies, make sure the surgeon is actually at the hospital, and then seek out the patient after anesthesia has seen them. That is where you never know what you are going to get. It seems as though the other areas you get the patients from don't do anything to get them ready until you are THERE. Then they have things "saved" for when the patient goes to preop. After hours, there is no preop. That is why they were given the orders. So you have to "help" get these things done. Now some areas are better than others, some people are better than others but this step of getting the patient can take a VERY long time - 30-40 minutes sometimes (on occation it has been an hour). So off in our Dr's Lounge is a surgeon waiting thinking we are sitting drinking coffee. Anyway, our patient was in the room at 0817 yesterday and the whining had already started.

Anyway, we did our case. Then we have to wash the instruments and clean the room. Hopefully, you are lucky then and you get to go home. Or, as the case yesterday, you wait to hear from the surgeon because they think they have another patient with the same problem. We didn't have to do the case, but we waited to hear for about 45 min. Then I went home and AF was here. I knew it was coming, I knew this wasn't going to be the month again. It didn't stop me from sobbing for an hour. My husband found me about 20 minutes in and tried to help. He was really supportive and said all the right things. He could get me calmed down to the hick-up crying but then I would start back up again. He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but really he is a big teddy bear. He said he would do anything takes. I don't think he has a clue about this journey we are embarking. I know he wants to make things easier for me. He doesn't want me to stress so much. I don't want to be so stressed. But that isn't happening. My life isn't suddenly going to be completely different. I'm not sure who doesn't have a high stress job? If you know, clue me in on it.

I had to go back to work two more times yesterday. In between, I put up the Christmas tree because a fit was thrown that the tree wasn't up yet. He sat and watched me assemble the tree. No offer of help. I work on laundry and I blubbered. The puppy threw up and then I threw up. I didn't get home until after midnight and I had to get up at 0530 to get to work. I was having a hard time today. I kept hurting myself because I was tired I think. I have pinched or banged just about every part of my body. I very carefully selected my words when I asked my charge if I could be relieve at her convenience. But I just can't win. She did end up getting me relieved but it was after telling me that I had to stay unless I thought I absolutely couldn't do my job. Of course that wasn't the case, I am just very tired and if there was someone extra I would go. That is what is SUPPOSED to happen. Whatever. I was suprised when someone came about 30 minutes later to get me out. Some people whine and bitch about going home after call. I don't ask unless I am really tired or there are so many extra people you are tripping over them. It doesn't matter. I am just very frustrated with my job. There seem to be different rules for different people and you never know what the rules are going to be.

I know some of my problems are hormonal at the moment, some are sleep related, but I just feel so beaten down. I don't feel like there is much fight left in me. I am so disappointed. At least now I can drink! That sounds like the LAST thing I need to do. Tomorrow will be better. The thing is, I think I am tripping on pebbles right now and I think this I see boulders ahead. Maybe not, but I think my optomism and hope are have suffered a severe hemorrhage at the moment.

Today hurts

I am having a very rough day. Work was fine. I don't feel very good, but will live. I am just an emotional wreck. I am not where I want to be right now (in my life) and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I feel very alone and I have this overwhelming feeling of coldness that I just can't shake. I know that sounds weird. I feel cold on the inside and out. Maybe it is that I am shutting down. I wouldn't say numb... I just want to go for a drive, or go to sleep and have it be a month later. I don't know how I am going to make it through Christmas this year. I am trying to ignore it.

Time flies

After fifteen hundred attempts I managed to load my picture so I will post.

My husband and I entered a committed relationship with one another eight years ago yesterday. He surprised me with flowers at work. DH has been very good about sending me flowers over the years. We have both received much harassment about it from my coworkers. Long ago I used to get flowers ever couple of months for no reason. Now it is mostly just the important stuff, like birthdays and anniversaries. I didn't think I would get them this year since we are married now. I was very pleased.

Obviously it took us a long time to get married. We will have been married 5 months in a couple of days. Mike was a little slow at progressing the relationship in the beginning, but in the long run it was really me. Mike is a couple of years younger than I am, but I was the one that wasn't in a hurry. I got a little burned many many years ago and I had some commitment issues. I am also the child of divorce and I have had a distinct lacking in seeing normal adult male/female interactions. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my mother never remarried. I don't think my father has ever cared that I exist.

I just didn't want to rush into things. Obviously we didn't. I just don't want to mess things up. I wanted to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man before I made that legally and spiritually binding commitment. I did get a few ultimatims along the way and that was hard for me. I had to take some leaps and I am more of a baby step kind of person. But we made it here. If we didn't want kids so badly now who knows how long we might have waited to get married. It is funny because when we were finally trying to set a date it was Mike that got a little panicky. He had been nudging me for so long! We desperately want kids but it was very important to us to be married first. It is funny how things change. There used to be a very rigid idea of how things were done in our society but now those lines are blurred. I have known several people who have waited years to get married after they have started families. I'm not talking accidents either, but planned pregnancies. It is funny how marrige does seem to become important at some time or some point. I guess I was a supporter of legalized domestic partnerships. They don't just apply to homosexuals.

Don't get me wrong marriage was still important to me. It was just a scary thing. It was important to me to be married in a church and have our union blessed. My husband isn't religious at all. I was not really raised in a church but spirituality was important to me from the time I was very little. I made my mom take me to church when I was in early elementary school. By the time I was in fourth grade I went to Sunday School all on my own. My family didn't go to church at all. I would get myself up and walk to the church. I would get myself included in church activities with my friends. In junior high that tappered off a bit until we moved to Colorado and then my mom and I made the decision to go to church together. I always worked hard to be involved in church activities. I was never a well versed in the Bible but I always read. After high school moved away from church a bit. I moved several times and it just seemed to slip in the cracks. Last year I made the effort to start going again. I was ashamed when people thought I was new to town because they hadn't seen me in church before. I can't believe what a difference it has made in my life. I feel like a part of me was missing and I didn't even know it until it was found.

I don't know how I got from saying how wonderful Mike is and how much I love him to talking about church. I think it has to do with the different kinds of faith we have. My faith in my relationship with Mike and my faith that my life will follow the right path. It is hard sometimes to have faith and not question it. I want so badly to have a baby and it is hard to have the faith that things will work out as they are meant to. I doubt I will have kids dragging me to church as I did, but I am trying to have faith in God that I will be taking - maybe dragging - kids there someday. Soon, I hope. I'm not good at patience

So close...

Blogger is toying with me. I think I can upload pictures... no wait it won't let me!!! I have something to show tonight!

Stupid blog

I'm not particullarly having a good day. I am struggling with Sparkplug and I came here to write. I had some pictures to commemerate such struggles and all this crap is different. I can't figure out how to fix it either. I don't have any of the usual stuff that is there when I go to post. I can't find anything to help me either. God knows I need help!

a little bitching

Right now I feel a bit like this old pressure cooker. I got so many things bouncing around inside me. Frustrations, fears, worries, things that are pissing me
off, hormones. I can feel the tension increasing. I can feel some of my wing nuts loosening and my lid is starting to rattle. I just don't know what to do. I want to cry. I want to scream and yell. I want to stomp my feet on the floor and pound my fists on something.

I want to quit my job. I don't have a different one. I am chicken to make a change, but I am in a giant dysfunctional family where I am now. I leave work so discouraged and depressed. I dread, DREAD getting out of the bed in the mornings because I know I will have to go there. I am a workaholic. My life revolves around work. The actual work I love it is just how people manage to fuck with everything that makes it bad. I am very sensitive and I let other people get to me. It is hard when they have authority over you. It is just hard because I am a people pleaser. I just want to get in bed and pull the covers over my head and not get out for a really long time, not that I will sleep because of the whole insomnia thing. Which of course, helps with my difficulty coping at the moment.

Christmas already!

I have been so exhausted this weekend that it didn't occur to me that I should start getting ready for Christmas. I am the type of person that likes to have their presents bought by October. Well that didn't happen this year, but I have been working on making presents since before then. I made my plan of what I was going to do for everyone by October at least. It just hit me today that I have to get going on this stuff. I need to develop a plan for the time I have remaining. (I am so weird).

My sister-in-law did help me get my Christmas cards made this weekend. I knew she was going to help me get started and how to figure out what I wanted to do, but I didn't realize it would be a done deal. Now all I have to do is write a letter and start addressing and get Christmas stamps. I am proud of myself because this is the first time I have ever made my own cards. I had a lot of help, but I then turned around and helped my SIL make her cards as well.

I guess now would be the time to get the decorations going since the house is clean...

Insomnia

Insomnia is something I have had trouble with since my hormones started changing with puberty. By the time I was ten or eleven I had some trouble. By fourteen it was significant. I went on medication that I took for about five years straight, but I had these terrible headaches. I get a lot of migraines, but I get a lot - A LOT - of other headaches. My doctor thought that medication was the problem and when I stopped taking it my headaches improved significantly. I tried a different medication that didn't work as well and left me feeling hungover in the mornings. So then I was on my own. I did alright for awhile but a number of years later I went back on medication #1. I don't remember how long I took it again before I stopped but I did.

I have done pretty well for a number of years. I started having trouble before the wedding. I would have a few nights where I would hardly get any sleep at all. I tried some of the new medications that I seen advertised but had no relief. I was very disappointed. For a long time I kept thinking there were all these new medicines that could help me if my insomnia got bad again. That made me feel almost relieved. I lived believing that there would be help if I needed it again. Here I am at 0226 in the morning wide awake. Tonight was a bit more of choice that some nights, but this is a problem again. I was on call for work Wednesday and I was trying to get work done in my house since dinner was at my house on Thursday. I didn't sleep at all that night. I had to stay late at work, then I had to go back to finish the addons (the surgeries that get added in the day). Then I had to go in for a trauma at a little before 0300. I was still cleaning in my bathroom when the phone rang. We had seen (Mike saw, I heard) the helicopter go out at about 0100. Mike always assumes that that means I will have to go to work, but I tried to convince him that isn't always true. We do hospital-to-hospital transfers quite often. However, I did suspect he would be right, like he was. Some not-so-intelligent person under the influence of alcohol tried to get in the house and his wife didn't want his drunk self there so she locked him out. He decided to go through a window and severed the great big artery in his arm. He got the nerve next to it as an added bonus. What fun.

I was able to go home at 0730, not because we were finished but because my call ended at 0700. I came home and had to finish thawing my turkey. I had to get my house cleaned up and get myself cleaned up and, oh yeah, cook. It was not one of my best days. I went to bed at about 1900. No nap or anything. Smart huh?

In the last two weeks, I think I have had four nights where I have had little or no sleep. I don't drink caffeine after 1600. I have been drinking caffeine more and more in the mornings now. I turned 30 and now I have to drink coffee. This is sad. I am just so tired, but there is no sleep.

I heard the dryer buzz. I couldn't go to sleep tonight until I had some clean pants for my husband to wear to work. I think I am off the hook now.

Thanksgiving

Today, I am thankful that I have a crazy, but wonderful family. I am thankful that I have a helpful husband even when I get irritated that he doesn't do things on my schedule. I am thankful that I have good friends who are always there to support me. I am thankful I have a warm home to live in even though I don't like it a lot of the time. I am thankful that I have a job to go to even though it drives me nuts, makes me mad, and keeps me there for endless hours at times. I am thankful that for my good health - aches, pains, asthma, allergies and all - because I see others that aren't so fortunate. Today, I can step back and look at how fortunate I am when many days I can not

A good man. A good man?

I love my dear husband. He is very handy. He can fix about anything. He is a total goof. He is really pissing me off. He has the tendency to start projects and then almost finish them. He told me Saturday night that we would have all the painting in the bathroom done by Sunday night. When Sunday came around he had a different story. We couldn't touch up the walls and get the trim done. He needed to change out the plug in and light switch and he wanted to put up the new light. Those three things managed to take him more than four hours. In the meantime, I decided that I was just going to have to get something done. I removed all the cabinet doors and drawers. I sanded them and primed them. I taped off the trim and got it all primed. I managed to get the first coat on the window and a little bit more of the cabinet. I am hoping to get all the trim done tonight. I only managed to get one side of the cabinet doors done tonight and the other side will have to wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow I have a haircut after work and I need to make a cheesecake because I can't do it on Wednesday. Hopefully, I won't have to work all night Wednesday and I will be able to get some cleaning done. Mike should be back early Wednesday morning and he WILL finish whatever I could not. I'm hoping I can get the doors done and touch up the walls tomorrow, but that feels lofty. I got one coat on the ceiling tonight as well. I don't know when I will do the second... I am so mad. So much for being done and getting everything clean. I wish I could pay someone to finish it!

"Sure, I'll do it"

What was I thinking??? I agreed to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house this year. There won't be many people, probably just my mom, aunt, husband, and me. It was still a bad idea. The bathroom isn't going well, the one bathroom our has. We are having problems with joint compound stuff. Long story - husband, father-in-law, husband still trying to fix it. Can't paint until it is ready, right? Great! I am on call Wednesday so that day is lost. I still have to clean the whole house. There is dust from the bathroom everywhere. The stuff to work on the bathroom is clogging the hall. All of our things from the bathroom are in the dining room. (old and new light fixtures, contents of the cupboards, curtain rod and shower curtain, shop vac, etc). This is not going to work well. My mom is one of those people that looks down her little nose at you about your dirty or messy house. Right now mine is both. My in-laws decided to "stop by" and see our progress, two minutes after husband had just started to settle down about joint compound and FIL. The dogs had just calmed down and then there they are :( FIL stirs up dogs and tells husband how he is doing everything wrong. MIL tries to find a place to stand out of the mess and stay away from offending cats. Meanwhile, I am working on emptying dishwasher and fixing dinner. What have I done?

Thanksgiving will be served in a mess. We will end up eating outside at the OLD picnic table and you will just have to help yourself to nature when you feel the call. This is going to suck.

Grouchy me

I am tired. I don't know how some people do it. I worked 19 hours Saturday and then slept until noon on Sunday. I got up and read the paper and then I was able to take my first bath in my new tub. The bathroom still isn't finished. We still have the walls to finish sanding, then prime, then paint. Then the new floor has to go in. One of my coworkers came to work yesterday said demo was starting her bathroom that morning. When we came back at 1930 she said she had a new tub, shower, and walls already in. I wanted to puke.

I got to leave work early today since we worked into the night last night. My room was one of only three actually running and there were a dozen people standing or sitting around so I said I was ready to go and shockingly was allowed to do such. I came home and sanded in the bathroom to help take out some of my frustrations. It did help. Today, someone with five less years experience, was aloud to start cross training. I am none too happy. I would like to this if I knew what the rules were going in. The rules have a funny way of changing where I work depending upon what your name is and how much you whine or bitch. I am mad. I am plain old mad. I feel like this should be offered to the more experienced staff first and if they don't want it, then it should be offered to the next in line and so forth. There are two people ahead of me in the ladder that should have been asked first. Who the hell am I anyway?

I need to find a different job. I have locked myself into a specialty that is hard to get out of. I knew it would be going in. I like what I do. I am good at what I do. I am very frustrated with how things are run. If circumstances were different I would just go somewhere else and see how long it took me to get sick of how they do things. There is something that I would really like to do. It isn't actually a job now, but if I present it well enough I bet I could make it happen. There are a couple of issues though. First I would have to get this cross training that was not offered to me and second it would take sometime.

I just feel tired, angry, sad, frustrated, weepy, crabby, and all sorts of other bad things a lot of the time. I don't have enough separation between work and not work. I want so badly to get pregnant. I have been dealing with all these hormones that a nice little bcp has leveled out for me for half of my life. This has definitely impaired my ability to cope. I want Mike to be done with this stupid training. He thinks he is going to be forced back into his old job tomorrow through New Years. That sucks and yet it doesn't. That means it will be that much longer before he is done, but he will actually make some money. That has put a terrible strain on me. I have to compete with this person at work who has pissed me off so much for the extra call. Call has been so horrendous lately, yet I still seek more.

There has been one good thing. I have a new student that is wonderful. She has worked in my department for about four years. This weekend when we were scrambling like mad she was a godsend! She could help me comb the department for things we needed. She could run in one direction while I ran in the other to procure the items in need. I love having her. She is interested it what is going on. She listens to what I tell her. I just love her. There is one problem. She is only with me for 174hours. I have already used up the 74 hours in the last nine days. I don't want to give her back. After four years of being promised we would have a job for her, now the boss says she may not. After four years of good work she maybe rewarded with no job. This makes me mad(der).

My shoulder has been killing me these past few days, so I think I will go knit to keep my hands busy instead of sanding.

You want me to what?!?

This week I went to preop to get a patient to take back to surgery. The man was 50ish and no teeth. He was hard of hearing and was speaking loudly to me. When I asked him what his surgery was going to be he told me and then he said something very quiet. I asked him to repeat himself and I leaned in to hear him. What I thought he said was "will you save all of my pubic hair for me?" I said "I'm sorry???" He then explained to me that he had a inguinal hernia repair 3 months ago and only part of his pubic hair had been shaved. He wanted to know if I would shave all of his pubic hair because he thought it would be less painful growing back. I don't know about that, but when the surgeon came in and saw me clipping all of this man's hair he said I didn't need to do that. I then explained the patient's discussion with me. He laughed and still thought it was perverse.

Road trip

Today was my day off (since I have to work this weekend) and I went to see my SIL. She lives about 2 1/2 hours away in Colorado. That is a little funny to me because she lives down by where I came from and now I live here where she came from. Interesting. Anyway, I decided this year I am going to make my Christmas cards instead of buy them. She sells stuff to do this so I went last night to get her help and stayed over. It is so hard for me to come back. If my husband said he would move I would grab my pets and kiss my friends goodbye and get the fell out. I need a change. I need to live where there are more things going on.

I had to stop and actually rest at a rest stop. I was having trouble staying awake. That is odd. My mind was so busy on the drive and I am such a tense driver I don't usually get very tired. But I stopped and I think I slept for about 45 minutes. I guess I needed it. It is funny, I don't mind driving in the city very much but the long stretches kill me. I tend to drive rather fast. I just want to get there. I don't like driving. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 22. When I turned 16 I didn't have a car to drive and we really couldn't afford the insurance so I was going to wait a bit. When I was 17, I was the passenger in pretty major car accident. No one's injuries were too severe, but it was a high speed accident and everyone got the shit beat out of them. I was in physical therapy for close to three years I think. Anyway, I had NO desire to drive then. I still have issues when it is icy out. It has been 13 years last month, but I still have anxiety with ice.

Anyway, it was nice to get away even if it was only over night. It is nice to go somewhere where there is some vitality. Someplace where I can actually find the damn things I need.

Why?

Why don't some people just shut up?!? Pretty much everyone I work with knows that I want to have a baby, like now. This week when I had the flu (that five other people at work had!!) I had fifteen people ask me or accuse me of being pregnant. Then question me when I said it was really a bug. Do they not realize that every time someone reminds you that you aren't pregnant it hurts? It justs digs it in a little more? There are 3 women in my department that are pregnant and a male coworker's wife. I can think of eight babies a year and under in the department. This is great for them, but I am all about me right now.

One of my very good friends just wouldn't shut up about it today. I thought I was going to physically harm her to shut her mouth. I ended up taking a patient to the recovery room so I was able to abandon the conversation. I was mortified. My "friend" was caring on about what I needed to do to get pregnant and what "we" were going to do to get me that way. I was so embarrassed. The conversation she was caring on, with out my consent, about my fertility involved two of my male coworkers that are my age. It made me so uncomfortable. Most of the men in my department are old enough to be my father. Besides, both of these guys have kids under the age of one (one has twins). I feel bad enough about all this as it is, I don't feel like anyone else should know my business unless I decide to share it. I kept telling her to shut up and that I didn't want to discuss this now but it didn't help. I don't seem to have any control over my fertility and I don't seem to have any control over who knows about it. I just want to scream and cry.

So, here we go again

I got up this morning and gave my sample for my ovulation stick. Then I abandoned it to take the puppy out. I let Sparky out of his kennel and he emptied his bladder right there, two steps from the door. I thought we were over needing to take the kennel outside to open it. Great! I took him out, I took Molly out and ran back to my test. There it was in all its glory, the glowing positive line. Fuck! And not in a good way. Mike went to work at 0400 he probably won't get off the train until 1600 then he will have at least 10 hours off and get on a train to come home. That means a conservative estimate is 1800 tomorrow. Too late. again. As if it isn't hard enough when we both in the right place at the right time.

Not so Halloweenie

Halloween is usually my favorite holiday. Fall is my favorite season and to me they go hand-in-hand. I have not bought even one pumpkin, or gourd, or piece of Indian corn. Not one and I usually have them all over. I did not put up one decoration. I did finally buy some candy this weekend (not that we usually get any trick-or-treaters at our house). I usually hide the candy from Mike until after Halloween but this year I didn't make it. I went to WalMart to grab a few things, came home, and got called to trauma-o-thon. I realized sometime around the 10th or 11th hour of surgery that I had left the bag with the candy on the counter. Mike did get home at about 0200 and I didn't get home until 0400. He didn't even notice! When I do hide candy or anything from him it is usually in plain site. I mean it isn't in a drawer or closet or the basement. I might hide something on an exposed shelf just not in the front. Back to Halloween... I don't know what is wrong with me this year. I have been working extra. My focus has been other places I guess. I don't know, but I am not going to decorate now.

I am miserable today. I have a stomach bug. I didn't feel great yesterday, but that was nothing compared to today. I went to work and decided before three hours was up that it wasn't happening. I was floating today so I could at least run to the bathroom prn, but I don't need to share with others. We aren't treated well when we are sick at my job. I know we have to have people to staff the rooms but if I am making others sick??? For being healthcare providers we aren't very understanding of illness. I am feeling a little better. I can almost standup straight. I have been drinking gingerale and had dry toast and have kept that down. I have been so cold though and I had a fever for awhile. I did sleep for about three hours and that was good. I had two blankets and two cats and I was still cold. I don't usually get cold.

Halloween is passing me by this year. It kind of feels like a friendship that has drifted apart. I have fond memories and a sadness. A wish that I could make things different... what a goof!

Babies

This handsome young lad is my nephew, Ben. He turned three this August and is on his way to preschool the day I left my sister's house. Ben looks a lot like his dad, but upon first glance looks the most like my family of my sister's sons. It is his coloring - the blue eyes and the light hair. He doesn't have the freckles yet, but I am sure they will come.

That morning Benny came into the room I had been sleeping in while I was packing. It was, after all, his playroom. I was letting the air out the mattress I had slept on and he asked me why I was doing that. I told him I had to go home that day. He said that they blewed that up for me and I just got there. I told him that it had been almost a week and I had to go back to my house and my job. He asked me where I worked and I told him a hospital in Nebraska. He said he couldn't come visit until he grewed bid. I reminded him that he came and visited me in July. He told me I would be back to visit him on Thursday or Friday. I adore my nephews. I have really enjoyed them all at Ben's age. I just hope and pray that I will get to experience it first hand.


Right now I am one of those people that is obsessed with their pets. Our baby Sparky has grown so much. I bought a little stuffed pheasant and goose for the dogs. They had large ones but they were pretty pricey and I didn't know how the birds would go over. I was surprised how much the dogs liked them. Molly was especially in love with the little pheasant that could fit in her mouth. So I went back and bought a large one. Molly could care less, but Sparky loves it. He drags this thing around that is about as big as he is.

I just hope this isn't where it ends for us. I love my dogs dearly, but I want real babies. I talked to one of the doctors I work with last week and got some hormones. Taking them won't help me get pregnant, of course, but there is some concern that I may not have enough progesterone to support and maintain a pregnancy. That makes me feel a little better. Of course, I'm still not pregnant... yet

Progress

Progress is a touchy word with me. It depends on where
it is being used as to how I feel about it. If I hear it at work then I know without a doubt the word is being substituted for "change." Now I have previously posted about feelings for "change." Progress at home is generally a good thing. That means something is being accomplished. Something is on the way to being finished, we hope. There have definitely been tasks in my house that have been started and not finished. I will not say that I am innocent here, but I feel most of the weight falls on my DH's shoulders. There are a few things in the basement that are still not painted. The office I am sitting in is in the "processes of being cleaned." I believe the "process" have taken six weeks or more. The garden is "being" cleaned up. The list goes on.

As I said, I am not guiltless here. There are clean clothes piled in a chair in the living room. (Please no one come to the door!) These clothes are infact Mike's and he could do something with them, but I did put them there. I am also working on organizing a room in the basement, or at least in my mind I am. There are the dishes in the kitchen that I am washing and about 2 dozen craft-like projects that I have started and not finished. I am, however, a multitasker as are most (or all) women.


Progress right now, is taking shape in our bathroom. Our house is old enough that a bathtub was put in but not a shower. Then later a wand was added to the spigot to make a shower. A water resistant board was put above the tile on the wall. That board is now rotting away. We both have allergies and I know there is mold living in there. We are ripping all that out and starting over. We are going to the studs and piping in a shower. It will be so nice for poor Mike. The shower isn't bad for me, but he is too tall. Plus we seem to get really sucky water pressure with the wands. So we are getting a new tub. There are almost fifty years of mineral deposits in the tube and I can hardly stick my feet in there with out being grossed out. (You would think my feet would be smoother with a built in pumice). We are getting new pipes for the drain!!! Mike already took down the nasty glass shower doors that I could never get clean. I have scrubbed the enamel off the tube and the finish off the shower doors. I seemed like I could never get all the mold out of the tracks in those stupid doors either.

The paint was literally peeling off the walls, or at least the outside layer of paint. There was this wallpaper border at the top that only the outside of the paper peeled off. So we have been scraping and sanding the walls. The wall behind our sink had been wallpapered years ago. (don't get me started on how evil I think wall paper is!!!!!) The paper had been painted over numerous times and was now all crackled. I thought the wall was falling apart. One day a piece dropped off and that is how we figured out that it was paper.

I came home to find that Mike had ripped out the carpet yesterday. I don't know what would posses a person to put carpet in a bathroom or a kitchen. My kitchen didn't have carpet and now the bathroom doesn't either. It will be a bit before I have tile on my floor, but it will be there! Carpet around a tub and a toilet! GROSS. I can't wait until the new tub goes in. I LOVE relaxing in a hot bath. I haven't been able to take a bath in almost 4 years. No wonder I am so uptight and cranky!

Let's just hope the progress continues!

Another let down

I didn't have high hope of conceiving this month, but it is still disappointing when you know for sure. My hormones are a mess too. My face breaks out horribly at ovulation and then it is just almost recovered and then it is time for my period. Then it almost gets healed and then it is time to ovulate and so you see my vicious cycle. I wanted so badly to be pregnant by the time I was 30. Then the date that ended up working for the wedding was after that, so I thought by Christmas. Well, that is coming rapidly and so I say before I turn 31. I don't know how to handle this. I keep wanting to talk over a few things with my doctor, but I can't ever seem to catch him. I don't seem to ever be allowed to work with him anymore or any of his partners to ask. For the love of Pete, I am supposed to work with them more than anyone else. I mean it is my job. I am so frustrated with work. I thought I was finally going to work with a gyn tomorrow and then the assignments were changed. I went to an empty room and sat and cried. I know my hormones are helping me deal with work and work isn't helping with the hormones.

Sparky the Super Cat

Our new dog meows like a cat. I mean he REALLY sounds like a cat. And he does this a lot. He is usually in his kennel when he does it. I don't know how he makes this sound or why, but he meows

Messed things up now

Today I have a migrane and still my ass is plunked in front of the damn computer. It started a couple of hours ago with seeing the lights. I guess they are "auras" or "halos." To me, it looks like I have been staring at fluorescent lights for awhile and then you look away or like a flash went off in your eyes. I don't always see the same thing in both eyes. Usually I don't and today there is something quivering in my left peripheral vision of my left eye. It got better, but it came back damn it. I took some migraine medicine right away but... I didn't even have pain in the beginning, now I do. I want to strangle people who say they never get headaches. I am oncall today so I can't take a narcotic and just go to sleep. Actually, I am going to lay down in a little bit and try to go to sleep. I am oncall until tomorrow at 0700 when I have to work an 8 hour shift and then I am oncall again Sunday starting at 0700 and not off until Monday morning at 0700 when I will be working another 8 hour shift. This is my long weekend and it sucks. Soon we will have another RN on our weekend though and I will only have Fri/Sun call every three months. That will be nice.

I am depressed today. That started before the headache but it sure hasn't helped. I love going to visit my nephews but it always hits me how much of their lives I miss. It sickens me to think that their neighbors probably spend more time with them in a year than I do. I only get to see them about twice a year. I guess I should feel fortunate because this is the third time I have seen them this year. It is hitting me harder now since I want my own baby so badly. I know at this moment I am over-reacting, but what if I can't ever get pregnant? I just think of all the events I missed out on for the boys. I have only been there for one birthday out of the three boys. I took care of the two older ones when my sister had Ben. I knew it was my last chance to be there for her so I was. It wasn't easy with my job though. I just want to be closer to them. I thought very hard about moving to Texas while they lived there. I am glad now I didn't since they moved after 9/11 when my BIL company shut down. I have pestered Mike about moving down there quite a bit, but with his job being so good here...

Great!!!! I just finished this post with about four more paragraphs and some pictures and I don't know what I pushed and it is freaking gone!! After much work I managed to recover this much. I bled my heart out. Well I guess my headache has just gotten the better of me...

Road Trip

I love to go see my sister and her family. I like to get away from my life I guess, but I really like spending time with them. I have three nephews that seem to be aging faster than I do. Okay, that isn't true. I don't feel like I have aged until I see it in them. Sam is in third grade this year. It seems like just a couple of years ago he was the only one and therefore the most photographed child in the world. He is the one that looks most like my sister. (all the boys got their dad's head though, poor Sue) Ethan is in kindergarten this year and Ben has started his first of two (or three?) years of preschool.

I picked up my aunt at the airport and we drove through Colorado and into New Mexico. We ran into a fair amount of road construction which drives me nuts. I have a bit of a lead foot, but I won't speed in double fine areas. I just want to get where I am going. I can't relax and enjoy the trip (funny that describes me in so many different ways, hmm...)

I am so sad about my aunt and uncle getting a divorce. My uncle was supposed to walk me down the aisle, but with these circumstances that didn't happen. I love my aunt dearly and I love my uncle. They have been together all of my life. She will always be my blood, but it is hard for me too. My uncle has changed and isn't a very nice person any more. He went through some midlife crisis and flipped out. My sister and I tried to be cheerleaders for my aunt. Sometimes she isn't doing very well, as can be expected. I wanted to rip her phone out of her hand when she would call him. Those calls never turned out well, besides she didn't need to talk to him. We tried to tell her she shouldn't talk to him unless it is about business. We know that is hard though. Your partner becomes your bestfriend and then when you don't have your partner anymore... I learned that lesson in my youth and I know how hard it is. Who do you talk to?


I was extremely disappointed with my Balloon Fiesta experince this year. The balloons only went up twice when we were there. The first time was on Saturday when we had to wait in line for more than an hour to catch the bus to get to the park. It rained off and on while we waited in the line. We weren't sure if the balloons were even going to go up. This picture is just a small part of the line behind us. There were probably five hundred people ahead of us when we got in line and at least that many behind us when we got on the bus.

When we finally made it to the balloon park it was swamped. There were more people than I have ever seen (as one should guess from the bus line). At least half of the balloons were already up. We only got to see a few inflated and maybe ten take off near us. By the time we got there the wind was picking up so it was dangerous for the balloons to take off. We did see some inflate and deflate. There were so many people I was so affraid we were going to get seperated from a child. There weren't a lot of the balloons I really wanted to see there.

My poor brother-in-law had been away on business all week. He was supposed to come home Friday evening but he missed his flight and couldn't get back until Saturday morning and then he had to go to work for several hours. As soon as he could leave work, he and my sister went to Santa Fe to stay overnight. They don't have overnight sitters very often so they took advantage of it. That was fun with my nephews. My aunt had the good idea to get them these pictures and markers and the older two colored for HOURS! I got to color with them so it was fun. Saturday night and Sunday morning were the hardest for my aunt. I was a little frustrated some of the time because I would have liked a little more help, but we got a long. Sam is a lot of help about what to do and where to find things. He is old enough and young enough that he is pretty honest about things. I really had fun with the boys.

My poor BIL, he dropped my sister off on Sunday and had to go to work for hours. He had a project that needed to be reworked to be submitted on Tuesday morning. He went to work again before I got up on Monday and Tuesday. I saw the poor guy for about 30 minutes in the time I was there. I thinked it helped the kids though, because they were busy with us and didn't notice dad was gone so much.

We had planned to go see the balloons again Monday morning, but when I woke up at 0515 I could hear rain and wind so I just went back to sleep. Tuesday morning was beautiful, of course, because we were leaving. We stayed a little later than usual and saw the boys all off. These kids go to school late! They don't get on the bus until 0830 and they aren't the last pickup. Anyway, we were hugging goodbye and we could hear a balloon VERY close. We saw it between to houses, two streets away! It landed in the last remaining open area less than a block from my sister's hous. We went over and talked to the guys. They were from England. We walk up and touch the balloons at the park but it is somehow different when they land next to your house. We could hear another balloon near by and turned around to see one graze my sister's roof and touch down in the street behind her yard. (that would be the frog balloon) More and more houses are being built around my sister's and that road is pretty busy. The balloon got back up and had to go about another mile to get a good landing spot. I was so glad we didn't get out early. I just love the balloons.

A Long Drive

I am going pick up my aunt at DIA tomorrow morning and drive to Albuquerque. I did this with her two years ago and it was great fun. This time, however, my aunt and uncle are getting a divorce. Their 30th anniversary was to be this January. Actually, their divorce won't be final by then. The whole situation is very odd and I don't understand it. I also don't want to hear about it for seven hours or however long it will take and then for the next week. I love my aunt dearly, but I am...apprehensive about the experience. I am greatly looking forward to the Balloon Fiesta. This will be the third time I have gone. I love it. One of these years I want to ride in a balloon.

Happy Birthday to my poor grandma. She was a very important person in my life. I am so sad to not be able to share things in my life with her. She is rotting away in a nursing home with terrible alzhimer's. She missed her entire retirement. She was going to travel with her sister after my grandpa passed away. She never got the opportunity. She is the third person in my family to have this disease. She was not a blood relative to the others. I am praying the vaccine that is on the horizon will be here soon...

Retreat

Fall is my favorite season. I like spring too, but fall is the best. I love the crispness in the air. I love the colors of the changing leaves. Yesterday, after I got off work, I was lucky enough to be able to go up to my church's camp at Chadron right on the State Park. Chadron is very beautiful, especially with the fall foliage. I went with two of my good friends and coworkers. We went last year too, but this year was so much better it is hard to compare the two.

The retreat is always organized by the women's group at church but they have a guest speaker sets up the program. As is true with most small towns, the majority of the women are older - mostly retired or housewives. Last year they were tickled to death to have us young girls there. This year a number of the women brought their daughters and daughters-in-law so that was great. I was still the only one under forty, but that was fine.

Our speaker was incredible. Her name is Joy Carol. She is an amazing woman that has had an unbelievable life. She told us that she had gone to high school with two of the women there and I couldn't believe it. I'm not saying that either of the other two women looked bad, but they look appropriate for their age. She was talking about knowing these women for fifty years. I thought I heard her wrong because she doesn't look fifty and that isn't because of any "facial rejuvination." This woman is 68 and looks and acts a good twenty years younger. She does have a tremendous amount of knowledge and experience. She grew up in Nebraska but has since lived all over the world. She lives in New York City now.

She has a book that is being release tomorrow called The Fabric of Friendship. It deals mostly with women and their relationships with other women. She is also a minister and she is preaching at a church in town tomorrow. I think I want to go and listen. I bought a book, but I think I would like to go get more to give to some of my friends/family.

I am so glad I was able to go to the retreat. I really needed to get out of town. It is also wonderful to get to know all these women better, especially away from home. The camp is so beautiful. I can't wait to send my kids there some day. I loved camp as a kid. There are a lot of good hiking trails. I climbed "The Mountain" at 0630 this morning in search of a signal on my cell phone. I just barely got one bar if I stood in one spot and leaned back and didn't move. I only had about five minutes of talk time though because my stupid battery drained from the phone changing to analog. I didn't take my charger. I only charge my phone about every five days with heavy use at home.

I am already looking forward to next year.

Are you CRAZY?!?

Mike got my car fixed and then changed the oil for me. I worked on making some tomato sauce out of the last of the garden tomatoes I was so nicely given this year. I LOVE pasta. I could eat pasta every day, or just about. Mike on the other hand doesn't have the same love. I say "let's have spaghetti for dinner" and that is a treat for me, but torture for Mike. I used to eat spaghetti once a week before Mike and I lived together and now if I have it once every three months that is a lot. So the point being, Mike came in the house after working on my car for hours and didn't want my pasta sauce so I said whatever you want.

We dropped off the car Mike's parents had so nicely let me borrow and then Mike and I went threw a drive through. This place was ridiculously busy and I wanted to get home for Grey's Anatomy, so I was a little pissy already. In the car ahead of us there was young woman and two kids. The boys were about 4 and 6 years old. The older one was sitting in the front seat and the younger one was behind mom in the back. Neither of these boys was restrained in anyway. Mom was on the phone the entire time. (Didn't even talk to the lady at the window). The boy in the back was hanging out the damn window! We were a pissed. The boy in the back was yelling at us as he was flopping out the window. I just can't believe people. It wasn't like she let the kids out of their seats, because they both should have been in booster seats in the back, since the line was so long. We watched her drive off with these kids roaming about. I won't even get into the traffic violations I witnessed. I can't relay how irritated we were with this situation. Mike was a fireman. He had to respond to car accidents. I take trauma call and have to come in and see what idiots can do to the human body. It is so frustrating because we desperately want our own child and here we see things like this. I had to put my window up as we waited because Mike kept directing comments to the car in front, especially after the boy in the back started yelling at us with his body out the window to mid abdomen. I did tell Mike he should call dispatch and he did, twice. I don't know if the police did anything (probably not) but we tried at least. Here we are without kids telling those with what to do. Whatever! Pull your head out of your ass, rip your phone away from your ear, and appropriately restrain everyone in the damn car. Are you crazy or just an idiot?

Gotta wheel?

Isn't it a little white trashy to have a car jacked up in front of your house? I think those cars usually have a bit more rust and have been or will never be paid for. The poor neighbors because the car is going to be there for a few days. The good news is... Mike got the hose off and it is not going to be as expensive as originally thought. The bad news, of course, the hose had to be ordered and won't be here until Thursday. That is fast though. In the mean time, what am I going to do??? I am on call tomorrow and well, I must have a car. We will see... I might be renting one. I am so glad Mike can do these things! I am supposed to head down to Albuquerque for the Fiesta in just a bit over a week. As long as everything is ship shape by then... I don't know how a household of more than one person can function with only one car. That certainly wouldn't work with our jobs!!

It could be worse...

Today wasn't a terrible day at work. I was supposed to have my annual evaluation but I couldn't get out of a room to do it. I had to stay late at work but it wasn't as late as I thought it was going to be. I am thinking both of these things are good, right. I went and bought some dog food and picked up a couple of toys for the puppy. I wanted to drop off a couple of disposable cameras that haven't been developed from the wedding yet. I went in and I came out and I was annoyed because someone had parked really close to me in a tight parking lot. I got in my car and pulled out and as I was straightening out I smelled this nasty chemical smell. Then I felt a jerk in the steering wheel. "Oh no!" I thought. I got out across the road to my next destination and looked under my car. There was something along these lines going on, only it was in a hissing stream. I said screw it to what I was doing on got in my car and drove home. I now have no power steering left and I am assuming that is all that is wrong. I come home to find my neighbors car in my driveway and my husband bent over it. He is being nice enough to replace the starter for the neighbor who is in his eighties. This makes me chuckle because I used to take a car I had to my neighbor's son-in-law's shop for repairs.

Anyway, I wait my turn. My husband gets a little mad at me. He knows I didn't do anything, but he knows it will be expensive and, most importantly, he doesn't like fixing power steering. Mike had to wash everything off because there was fluid everywhere under my hood. He had to put some fluid in to see what was going on. Fortunately, there is just a hole in a hose. It looks like it will cost close to $300 for just the hose, but Mike can fix it. He looked it up on the internet and it is going to be a big pain, but he can still fix it. Whatever it was he was looking at said it would take 3hrs. So if we had to pay for the hose, the hose markup, and labor this would kill me. But thank God I have Mike. Thank God he was home! This still sucks because I am supposed to drive to New Mexico in two weeks and there is still a chance things could be worse, but thank God I have Mike!

Just kill me now

Today is a gorgeous day. The sun is shining. There is just a slight breeze. It is probably around seventy degrees. Weather I just love. But I want to die. I have cramps so bad I can hardly walk. This is not usual for me. Thank goodness it is Sunday and I don't have to work. These have to be better by tomorrow. I can't miss work for cramps. There are just so many things I need and I want to do. I want to make some tomato sauce. I would like to go outside and get some fall clean-up yard work done. I feel like my body just keeps betraying me.

Sleep, no sleep

So Monday I couldn't wake up and now I can't sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't know why. I wasn't tired. I tried to go to sleep but it didn't happen. So I watched an E True Hollywood story on Carmen Electra. Then I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. Then I went to Walmart at 500am and then went and dropped some bills off. I came home and got some of the groceries in and had to take Sparky out for fear his crying would wake Mike. Hardly anything could wake Mike but Sparky screams! I finished getting the groceries in and put away and I took Molly out for a long walk. I don't remember what I did then, but I started cooking for Mike just in time for him to get up. He yelled at me, but I couldn't sleep! Was I supposed to keep him up with me? No.

I don't know what is going on with me. I have just been off this week. I thought maybe it was finally my turn to be pregnant, but that turned out to not be the case. It is a good thing I didn't have to work today. I am really tired now, but I tried to close my eyes and sleep did not come. I don't know. I don't have anything more on my mind now than I usually do. We will see I guess. I am going to visit my sister soon, but that is still a week and a half away. I don't know.

Oops!

Today I did something I have only done one other time. I didn't wake up to go to work. I was mortified. I am not replaceable in my job, there isn't someone to do it for me.

Saturday was my first day of work since being off to have wrist surgery. My shift started at 0630 and I didn't get out until almost 1900. We worked hard too. Some people seem to get easy Saturdays and weekends. Not my weekend team. We get the worst. Long hours and hard cases - bad cases. The cases weren't as bad as they could have been but it wore me out. This is the tenth month, since I have been keeping track, that we have had a hard weekend. I didn't get called back in and I was really relieved. Saturday was my mother-in-law's birthday so I went and at dinner with them when I did get off work. We went through wedding pictures since Mike's grandma was there. Mike was at work though. We had cake and ice cream and then I laid down on the couch and took a nap for about an hour. I got up, went home and took the dogs out and went to bed. Sparky made me get up about 0330 to take him out and then again at 0700. Then I toiled over staying up and going to church or going back to bed. I haven't been to church for awhile but I was still tired. Well, I went back to bed. I slept until almost noon! I couldn't believe it! I felt bad for poor Molly because she hadn't gone out since the night before.

So I tried to make up for lost time and get all my stuff done and went to bed by 2200. Sparky made me take him out at 0130 and again at 0500. I knew I shouldn't go back to sleep then but I figured I could get another 35 minutes sleep. I must have turned off my alarm because the next thing you know I was dreaming about being late for a class. I was trying to assemble a three tier cake, but some of my classmates were getting mad at me because I was going to be late. The next thing I know there is this noise and I am thinking "that doesn't sound like my alarm" That is because it was the phone and my charge nurse calling to see if I was coming to work. I made it to work in less than ten minutes. I felt so bad. Thank god my patient wasn't ready. Two of my friends had helped set up my room and I thought I had to run after the patient but thank goodness I didn't. My room ended up not starting until 0730, but it wasn't because of me. You have an awful day then. I was supposed to be on call to day but I gave it away. My arm is bothering me and I still feel two steps behind.

Roots or Wings

My husband and I had very different experiences growing-up. I was born in a small town in Iowa and my family actually lived in an even smaller town. I went to preschool there. Just after I turned five my mom, sister and I moved to a suburb of Iowa City. My parents had divorced and my mom wanted/needed to go to college. I went to kindergarten - third grade in an amazing elementary school. I was so fortunate to be able to have that experience. You wouldn't think of a town in Iowa as being very multinational but it is. I had kids from all over the world in my class. I got to learn so much and I didn't know that it was unusual until we moved to north central Iowa. Wow! That was a change. Most of the kids there were of Norwegian and Lutheran. Both of which I wasn't. I went to fourth and fifth grades there. It was different and I liked it. I was a novelty to them so that made me pretty interesting. It was the first time since I was five that I didn't have to share a bedroom with my sister, even though my room was a converted front porch that didn't have heat. It was a bigger deal to my sister because she is so much older than I. She has to share a bedroom with an elementary age sibling when she was in junior high and high school.

My mom changed jobs when I was in fifth grade, I think, and commuted across state lines to Minnesota. My sister graduated when I was in fifth grade so my mom wasn't going to relocate us then. The summer after fifth grade we moved to Minnesota, but it was only like a twenty mile move. My aunt, uncle, and cousins had just moved from this town. That made me sad because that was closest I have ever lived to any family in my life. That still rings true today. (my mom isn't much farther at about 30 miles). That was a great move and good timing. The elementary schools in that town all went from kindergarten to fifth grade and there was one separate school for sixth grade. So I was able to sneak in when everyone was coming together for the first time and lots of kids didn't know each other. You see, I was a very shy child and not good at these new situations. I didn't make friends quickly and I was generally a teacher's pet.

I had some issues with my family and the events thus far in my life and that made other things even harder for me. I didn't have two parents. We spent most of my life living at the poverty level. My mom went into social work so it wasn't the most lucrative of career choices, especially for a single parent. My dad always paid his child support but it wasn't as much as we needed.

Anyway, I loved the school there because there were so many opportunities. There were a lot of kids in my grade and I liked it. There were more people you could find that you fit with. The school could also offer more to the kids. I suppose some people may not think this is good, but they were able to separate kids more so that they were able to challenge students according to their needs. (that sounds very diplomatic). I guess I think it was good because I was one of the kids that was in the more advanced classes. Maybe the kids that were in less advanced classes (there I go again) didn't feel the same way.

So I went to sixth, seventh, and three-quarters of eighth grade there. My mom had decided that for her to get a better paying job she needed to go to graduate school. She had always wanted to move "out West" somewhere. She applied to a few different schools and we looked at some different states. She didn't get into one of the schools she had hoped to and hadn't heard from another yet. During this time, my mom was looking for jobs in Colorado. She got one at a nursing home in Greeley and we moved to Colorado. I wasn't happy. It was the first time I had moved during a school year and that is awful. I don't recommend it to anyone. It didn't help that this was just before my fourteenth birthday. I don't remember things being the most pleasant then.

Here we were in what was then a small town in Colorado. I did not feel welcome in that school. I had fit in so well in that other school and there were so many things to be involved in that I now didn't have. Wouldn't you know that a couple of weeks after we got there my mom got her acceptance to graduate school at CSU forwarded from our address in Minnesota. So she went to graduate school my freshmen and sophomore years of high school and then had trouble finding work. There were many people with similar education and more experience with not that many jobs. So great now she has even more debt from school and not a job to make up for it. She did a lot of things to try and make it, but when I was a senior she started looking for work back in Iowa. She found a job and moved in February of my senior year. I did not. I stayed and finished high school there. Then I went to Iowa for the summer and came back to Colorado for college. Well at least the first year. Since my mom had moved in February and my birthday wasn't until May, my residential status was legally in Iowa with my legal guardian. You see I didn't have my letter of acceptance until after my mom left. That sucked. So I got my freshman year of college as in-state tuition but not after that. In the mean time, my mom didn't like her job much there and wanted to be closer to me.

My mom found a job here in Scottsbluff and moved in November. In Nebraska you have to be 19 to be of legal age so I was able to establish redicency with her here. I made some plans and changed them and ended up living here ever since.

Mike had a totally different experience. He was born here. His parents still live at the same address where they brought him home from the hospital. He never had to change schools, which is good and bad. Mike did live on his own for awhile before he moved in with me, thank goodness. So I guess he has some pretty deep roots here.

I certainly didn't like how we moved when I was a kid. All that change! But I know things are different in other places. Every couple of years or maybe more, I feel restless and have the urge to spread my wings and fly away. I like cities. I don't like traffic, but I like the opportunities and the options. I like the competitiveness of employers. As a kid, I remember wanting to be like the kids that stayed in one place. I remember saying that was how I wanted my kids to grow up. I don't know now. I know that we aren't likely to move with the job Mike has now. I want to go back to Colorado, but Mike doesn't like all those people. I am just have a rough time right now. I really, really want to flap my wings right now.

Mike and My Cameras

I never know what I am going to find on a camera when it is about in the house. Mike gave me a pretty decent digital camera for Christmas a few years ago. I also have a regular camera I spent quite a lot on a number of years ago. It is one of those that you can change the size of the picture. I don't remember what it is called, but I have never been too impressed with it. Anyway, I also tend to have a disposable camera here and there that can be used when you don't want to risk the expensive one. Point being, there are multiple cameras in the house.

Mike likes to take self portraits. The better you can see up his nose the more proud he is of his pictures. With the digital camera this isn't such a big deal. I can view the pictures and erase at will. (I am holding some in reserve just in case I need some pictures for ... persausion someday). However, there have been times when I pick up pictures that have been developed and can't preview them before another person sees them. For example, I had a roll of film started in the camera
and I needed to take some pictures of people for a going-away album. A memory book where people could write a message under there picture kind of thing. I dropped the film off for one-hour developing and another person involved with the book picked the pictures up. Thank goodness these shots are taken of the shoulders and face, generally. I don't remember seeing one where Mike doesn't have a shirt on but... there could always be a first time. I just don't some poor other soul to find that picture first. (the poor people at Walgreens).

Mike's family has a photo tradition that I am affraid will be passed on to my children as well. I understand that Mike's grand father started it many many years ago. His grandfather passed away more than twenty

years ago, I believe, but the tradition thrives. I will confess, much to my own shame, that I too participate in family candids. The tradition is to flip the camera off in a not so obvious way. I disappointed my mother-in-law by participating in this. She took a picture of me with a cake at a bridal shower she and my sister-in-law hosted for me and I got the finger in the picture without her noticing. This is not how I was raised. Not at all. We all have a lot of censoring to do before anyone has a baby in this family! I have a fear that some of the people won't be willing to censor. Oh well, we aren't there yet.

Dreams

Is it our dreams are supposed to be windows into our souls? Maybe I have that wrong. I have been having the strangest dreams lately. I usually wake up remembering a little bit about a dream. Just little snatches. But I have been having the most bizarre, vivid dreams. I wake up remembering everything and often more than one dream. These dreams are bothering me. They are not nightmares. Sometimes there are people from work or my friends and family. Sometimes I don't know a soul there. Last night I remember two dreams and both of them bothered me. Each dream contained people I haven't seen in years and years. Some nights I read before I go to bed and other nights I don't. Reading always helps me relax so I can sleep. My mind is always going and I need that one thing to focus on to settle down. Maybe the book I am reading isn't the right one.

I don't know what dreams mean and how much I believe about that anyway. I have been told a variety of different things by people whose opinions (in general) count to me. I have been told by someone close that vivid dreams about people being injured should be looked into; that you should contact that person and check on them. I have also been told that nothing is as it appears. Everything means something else.

I don't know what to believe. I do know that I, like most people, am chronically stressed. I do know that I have a lot on my mind, but I am to the point that I am worried about what I will dream about each night. I am essentially afraid to go to sleep. But, I can't put it off much longer tonight.

My Furry Family

This is our new baby. It is Mike's dog, but I am the one home most of the time. I am proud though, Mike has gotten up early with the puppy the last two days. I have gotten up with him in the middle of the night, but who is keeping track. Mike had a difficult time picking a name for the little guy and decided on Sparkplug. I thought we should go with Sparkpug. Yes, I know I am the one that doesn't like puns. Come on! It seems appropriate. Anyway, he goes by Sparky and he is already spoiled rotten. He obviously sits on the furniture. He wants to be held when it is time to go to take a nap. He wants to go to sleep at night in the bed. He most certainly does not want to get in his kennel. He already likes to chew shoes, furniture, fingers, chins, toes, pillows, his leash and Molly's leash. This morning he pulled Molly's leash across the living room. Molly's leash is big and heavy! Molly wants to play with him so badly and she tries. There is about a 90-95 lb weight difference. (Molly hasn't been on a scale in awhile - what girl wants too!) Sparky ends up being a big slobbery mess after Molly gets done with him. Poor Molly though, this has meant more kennel

time and less play time. Sparky keeps trying to get in Molly's kennel and I was afraid of how she would react. She didn't do anything at all. One of Sparky's favorite toys is an old bone of Molly's that she loves to chew. She doesn't react to his dragging that around either. I am surprised how well they are doing. Molly even gave Sparky her ball (as seen above) to throw for her! I won't leave them alone in the same room though. Molly is just so big and what if he does something she doesn't like.

I can tell the cats feel like they have been violated yet again. Poor Lois has had a rough life. When he came to live with me it was his fourth move and home. He was used to being adored and spoiled as the lone cat. He had a large, disgusting collection of furry mice that he had to give up. He had to come into a house with two other cats. He and the old crusty one didn't hit it off well at all. But he took to the kitten I had only had for two weeks very well. Actually, I think he thought he was her mother. He let her comfort suck on him and he took care of her. He even eventually took care of crust old Schlockie. He raised another kitten after that. Poor Gwen couldn't adjust to moving to the house, getting Molly, and Mike moving in. She went to live with my mom.
Lois is such a sweet old man, but he sure has a naughty side when he thinks you aren't looking. (By the way, I did not name the male cat Lois. He came to me with that name). Lois will come up as close as he dare to Sparky to try and sniff him or figure what we have done now. Lois definitely likes to watch Sparky, especially when he sleeps. Sparky has gotten in a few good chases too.
Ophelia (aka Ophi) is doing a little better than I thought she would. She has pretty much taken up residence on a dining room chair. But that has been long before Sparky's time. She is already hiding from Molly and Mike. Before we moved to this house she was a much more social cat. She used to come out and great people. Now she only comes out when the dogs are in their kennels and I am alone. That makes me sad. I make sure we have good quality time everyday though. She knows that Sparky is too small to get up on the furniture and will get on the couch when she feels it is safe. She climbed up on me yesterday and it took her a second to realize that Sparky was sound asleep on my chest under one of her paws. My sweet Ophi.

We have a stray cat that adopted us. I suppose it has been two years ago so he probably isn't stray anymore. He isn't too sure of Sparky either. I call him Cat. I didn't know how long he would be around so I didn't want to get too attached to him. He is a pathetic cat. I would like to catch him and get him neutered. He will rub on my leg but he is still pretty wild. I tried to get a cat trap to catch him but I can't get one and get my cat back!