So I've complained about my mom before, a lot actually. She has issues. She is very lonely but has done many things to isolate herself and push away the people around her. But she also really likes to draw attention to herself, particularly if someone else is getting attention. There is a long history of her having... fits at important events or such. She is always late for family events so as to make everyone wait and to draw attention when she finally makes a big entrance. She always wants to help, say, sew something that is important but not have it done when it needs to be. Critical items, like the dress I wore in my sister's wedding. We were all waiting for her and my dress. She showed up almost an hour late. The dress still wasn't finished and she wasn't dressed and ready. My sister's SIL had to sew me into the dress, literally. There were several, SEVERAL tantrums during my wedding. She refuses to participate. She ironed through the rehearsal. She was late and we had to wait on pictures even after the photographer rearranged his detailed schedule. He was not happy and I think it showed in our pictures. We almost had to delay the damn wedding. She gets sick and wallows in her illness. She misses tons of work.
So the actual issue at hand? We are all (my mom, my aunt, Jake and I) supposed to go to my sister's house for Christmas. Mike has to work and doesn't want me to go. Still having issues there. But my mom threw a fit! A hissy of monster proportions because my sister wants my aunt and my mom to stay in a hotel. My sister has one guest bedroom. I know her house is huge and has a lot of rooms, but there really isn't a place to put people. My mom and my aunt are extremely loud. My aunt never had children and my mom is obviously many years removed from having young children. She doesn't get how hard it is to try to keep a little order in their lives while there is company. It was a little hard when we were down there this fall. When my sister visits anywhere she usually stays in a hotel. There are five of them. They need to be able to put the boys behind closed doors to sleep, not in the middle of a main room floor. (one would be fine. the second is pushing it, but the third is too little still). Besides is my mom going to sleep on the top bunk or my aunt? Anyway, my mom has gotten ugly. She was supposed to take my aunt. Now my aunt wants me to take her but I'm still on the line to go. I still have to work on Mike. I don't want to be away from him. I don't want him to be away from Jake. I don't want to miss my family and I'm sick of holidays with his family. They just don't feel right.
Anyway, my mom won't talk to anyone, but she will send horrible emails. Mean, mean. She tried to raise her children right, but she doesn't know where she went so wrong to end up with children like this. What did she ever do to deserve such horrible daughters? She has yet to actually come at me, but it is coming. It has been directed toward my aunt and my sister so far. Ugly, ugly, ugly to my sister. My sister doesn't come up to the area we live often. She never lived here so it isn't home. There are five of them to try and coordinate. There is one of my mom to travel. My sister has paid several times for my mom to fly down to visit her. My mom complains about it. I paid to fly my mom down once, she just bitched about it. She hasn't seen my nephews since July 2007. She was mean to them. She made them cry! I do go visit my sister without including my mom. I can't drive down there with her. I would kill her. I would be mad the whole damn time. It is my vacation, right?
I don't know what to do. I mean this is totally my mom. She has done what she can to ruin the holiday for everyone. She got the attention she felt like she wasn't getting. It has gotten bad a few times before but this is truly ugly. My mom can be down right mean and that is what she is doing. She is a therapist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do. I may whine a lot and complain, a lot, but this is actually scary to me. I don't know how this can be worked through or past.
I forgot to mention that my sister is having surgery the Monday before Christmas but was still having everyone come. It isn't outpatient either. She will hopefully only spend one night, but still. That should be reason enough for people to give her some damn space! I am reluctant to go myself just for the added stress of company because I know it is hard. She is hoping to be feeling great two days after the surgery when people are supposed to be getting there but I am doubtful.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Monday, December 07, 2009
My happiness
I bitch and whine a lot but that is because I need to vent about the stresses in life. But there is so much good too. There are a lot of temper tantrums at the moment and frustration all around right now, but there is so much happiness. I am really enjoying Jake right now. He is so much fun. He is just so much more interactive now. We can really do things together. He is so smart too. I am shocked at his ability to problem solve! (I swear he is better many men I am around and thinking through things). He is so darn cute and he flashes a big smile to get his way. He is a total cheese when he sees a camera. It is terrible to try to take a picture of him right now.
He talks my leg off! I can't believe how much he says and how long he goes. He still says a lot of things that I can't understand and he most definitely gets frustrated with me because I'm not on the same page. He tries to show me what he is saying that I can get which is helpful. I do get a lot of "dis, Mama" or "dat, Mama" when he is showing me around. But I swear there are some Duh Mama's in there.
He is a terrible flirt. Terrible. He is also very loving and asks for hugs and kisses all the time. He is not particularly gentle though. He's a bit of a brute actually and bossy too.
He is so good at helping his Mama. He wants to do it himself though. He was trying to reach something in the kitchen one day and I told him to go get his step. He always uses his step to get into the monster toy box but now he has figured out that it is his key to the world "up there"
He had his first Christmas program tonight and it went okay. The two's were a little too young to really get into it. But they tried. He made it about half way before he got bored and then ended up bonking his head on the microphone and sitting down on the floor with one of his teachers. He was literally the smallest of the children and he was just so cute.
We have made some progress in sleeping. Although he is passed out in the middle of the living room here, he almost always walks to bed now. However, this is where he sleeps. He won't sleep in his bed (his converted crib). He will play in it and lay down while he is playing but her won't sleep there. He will sleep in his chair in my room. At some point most nights he gets in bed with me but it isn't all night anymore and he goes to bed awake! I don't think he likes being alone to sleep, plus I think his room is noisy at night. The wind is pretty noisy. We are going to get him a big bed after we recover from Christmas. He is eating some food too. Food that little kids eat! He at two, TWO, hot dogs last night. Now, I don't think that is the greatest food (being so healthy and all) but it is a normal thing to eat and he is eating it! I'm proud of him though.
He talks my leg off! I can't believe how much he says and how long he goes. He still says a lot of things that I can't understand and he most definitely gets frustrated with me because I'm not on the same page. He tries to show me what he is saying that I can get which is helpful. I do get a lot of "dis, Mama" or "dat, Mama" when he is showing me around. But I swear there are some Duh Mama's in there.
He is a terrible flirt. Terrible. He is also very loving and asks for hugs and kisses all the time. He is not particularly gentle though. He's a bit of a brute actually and bossy too.
He is so good at helping his Mama. He wants to do it himself though. He was trying to reach something in the kitchen one day and I told him to go get his step. He always uses his step to get into the monster toy box but now he has figured out that it is his key to the world "up there"
He had his first Christmas program tonight and it went okay. The two's were a little too young to really get into it. But they tried. He made it about half way before he got bored and then ended up bonking his head on the microphone and sitting down on the floor with one of his teachers. He was literally the smallest of the children and he was just so cute.
We have made some progress in sleeping. Although he is passed out in the middle of the living room here, he almost always walks to bed now. However, this is where he sleeps. He won't sleep in his bed (his converted crib). He will play in it and lay down while he is playing but her won't sleep there. He will sleep in his chair in my room. At some point most nights he gets in bed with me but it isn't all night anymore and he goes to bed awake! I don't think he likes being alone to sleep, plus I think his room is noisy at night. The wind is pretty noisy. We are going to get him a big bed after we recover from Christmas. He is eating some food too. Food that little kids eat! He at two, TWO, hot dogs last night. Now, I don't think that is the greatest food (being so healthy and all) but it is a normal thing to eat and he is eating it! I'm proud of him though.I adore my little guy and I'm sad I can't spend more good times with him. We have our moments when I am willing to pay someone to take him, but I just look forward to our time so much.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Well...
Okay, I need to back off a little. I am extremely thankful to say that Jake is over his milk allergy and they "think" he is over his egg allergy. However, it is going to take some time before he can just eat both if everything goes well. His back is still a mess from his skin testing Wednesday. His got additional drugs and increased his existing meds. We are supposed to wait until all is calm and then start the dairy. Bad parents we are, we have given him some already (he is on the new doses though). I have added 2%milk to his rice milk once a yesterday and once today. I have given him one of his favorite things in addition to that. It sounds like he is saying "wickert" but what he is jumping up and down and hollering for is yogurt. He LOVES yogurt. I got him some of the little bitty kid cups but I know he wants a whole carton. I thought we should go small for awhile. We tried giving him yogurt awhile back and we thought it was making his cheeks break out. Supposedly, that isn't it. They told us now it happens if he gets a lot of soy. That presents some significant issues. But if we can have eggs and dairy it should be a bit easier to cut the soy back. Soy is in practically everything packaged or ready-made of course! But now I should have an easier time trying to make things he can eat. I do most of my cooking from scratch so it is easier to control the ingredients.
So I feel a little bit bad for being so mad at the grandparents. I did make sure that they understood that they still can't just feed him whatever they want. This is going to take awhile to make sure he won't react to these things and to get his body used to dairy. His poor digestive system doesn't know how to handle it yet. Okay, but there is still the peanut portion of my irritation with Grandma. Mike talked to his dad and it didn't really go that well. Jake had such a bad skin reaction to the dilute peanut serum. They nurse and the PA doing the testing brought several other nurses in to look at his back because his reactions were so severe. Just a little education. That is fine. I just felt so miserable for him. The process hurt him and then the allergic response made his whole back go nuts. Now his back is covered in eczema and little scratch marks.
So, as I was saying, Mike talked to his dad about the peanuts. He was sorry they left the cup out. They never leave Jake alone so it isn't a problem. Mike told him that obviously it is a problem because even if they are in the same room with him, if he finds a cup of peanuts it is too late to prevent it. He is a little speed demon. Mike pointed out that he will have picked them up and have one or more in his mouth before they even realize what he has. We all know how they get something you don't see and put it in their mouths. We have all fished something out of baby mouths. Mike told his dad that they can no longer have peanuts in their house. That went over with Mike's mom like a ton of bricks. My suggestion had been that the peanuts/peanut butter need to be up on the top shelf in the cupboard not down at Jake's eye level like they are now. They still can't eat them when he is there and they have to make sure and clean everything up right then and there. Mike said absolutely not. No peanuts at all. He acknowledges that it is just too much for his mother to have to do to get it right. (okay, he said "you know she isn't smart enough to handle it" but I feel bad writing it even if it is true). Poor Mike got yelled at enough that he has given up trying to bring peanut butter M&Ms in the house in his lunch box from work. I admit that both Mike and I will indulge in our love of peanut butter when we are not at home and it will be a long time before we will be around Jake. It just isn't worth the risk to have the allergen around Jake. But grandma eats a lot of peanuts. A lot. A lot of candy containing peanut butter too (goes well with her diabetes and all). I'm not sure how this is going to work out. Mike may not let Jake go over there at all, ever. That helps our problem.
I had such a bad day at work Friday that had my boss been there I would have quit. I suppose it was in my favor she wasn't though, huh. I am a service coordinator for plastics and gynecology right? Well, my favorite charge nurse is the one that makes our room assignments every day. I don't ever get to be in my services. We have one plastic surgeon and she has one scheduled day a week in the OR. I get to work with her maybe every three weeks. But there is gynecologic surgery four days a week at least. I have not done a case in more than a month. I think it is very hard to do your job if you never get to work in the specialties. You are completely reliant on what others tell you/ask of you. If your coworkers don't tell you something needs to be changed on a card it can't happen. So then if the doctor decides to change something and tells the people they are working with and they don't pass it along, then next week when they want to do it exactly like they did it last week no ones. Then the doctor is pissed. Another issue we have is making sure a surgery gets scheduled in the computer for the right actual procedure. When the person puts it in the computer they have to match it up to a card. That card tells the people who pull the case what to pull and the people who do the case what they need and what to do. Well, if you don't match up a surgery to the right card it is a huge problem. It wastes a lot of people's time and it causes a lot of frustration. It also costs money. Supplies always end up getting wasted then. Well, Friday I got my ass chewed the entire time I gave a lunch to a coworker in the room where the plastic surgeon was working. She barely took a breath. There was nothing I could say or do, she just wanted to be mad at someone. Making sure what is on her cards is right is my job. I don't know how to get the people that schedule to get the right cards. I have tried and tried. I have told them to ask me. I have explained and explained. I finally have the ability to go in and change it in the computer but that is something that is very hard for me to do when I am in cases all day. We finally got permission to get slight overtime to work on some of our service coordinator duties. We can have one hour a week. That is something, but really need one day a week (not overtime, just a regular day) but we don't have the staff. Anyway, I was ready to quit after my ass chewing because I have been so frustrated about never getting to be in my own services. I'm so glad I got a warm welcome when I got there. Can't wait to work with her tomorrow because it is my once every three weeks!
Last but not least, Jake is allergic to the dogs and the cat. For this moment we aren't going to do anything. The dogs don't come in the house. The cat is almost fifteen. She isn't allowed in the bedroom and that is the biggest recommendation besides getting rid of her. My hormones are all over the place and that doesn't help with any of this. I am finally doing better. The pneumonia is gone. Still coughing, but a lot less. My energy is a lot better. I just feel like I am on the verge of tears a lot. I suppose that is why my ass is so big.
So I feel a little bit bad for being so mad at the grandparents. I did make sure that they understood that they still can't just feed him whatever they want. This is going to take awhile to make sure he won't react to these things and to get his body used to dairy. His poor digestive system doesn't know how to handle it yet. Okay, but there is still the peanut portion of my irritation with Grandma. Mike talked to his dad and it didn't really go that well. Jake had such a bad skin reaction to the dilute peanut serum. They nurse and the PA doing the testing brought several other nurses in to look at his back because his reactions were so severe. Just a little education. That is fine. I just felt so miserable for him. The process hurt him and then the allergic response made his whole back go nuts. Now his back is covered in eczema and little scratch marks.
So, as I was saying, Mike talked to his dad about the peanuts. He was sorry they left the cup out. They never leave Jake alone so it isn't a problem. Mike told him that obviously it is a problem because even if they are in the same room with him, if he finds a cup of peanuts it is too late to prevent it. He is a little speed demon. Mike pointed out that he will have picked them up and have one or more in his mouth before they even realize what he has. We all know how they get something you don't see and put it in their mouths. We have all fished something out of baby mouths. Mike told his dad that they can no longer have peanuts in their house. That went over with Mike's mom like a ton of bricks. My suggestion had been that the peanuts/peanut butter need to be up on the top shelf in the cupboard not down at Jake's eye level like they are now. They still can't eat them when he is there and they have to make sure and clean everything up right then and there. Mike said absolutely not. No peanuts at all. He acknowledges that it is just too much for his mother to have to do to get it right. (okay, he said "you know she isn't smart enough to handle it" but I feel bad writing it even if it is true). Poor Mike got yelled at enough that he has given up trying to bring peanut butter M&Ms in the house in his lunch box from work. I admit that both Mike and I will indulge in our love of peanut butter when we are not at home and it will be a long time before we will be around Jake. It just isn't worth the risk to have the allergen around Jake. But grandma eats a lot of peanuts. A lot. A lot of candy containing peanut butter too (goes well with her diabetes and all). I'm not sure how this is going to work out. Mike may not let Jake go over there at all, ever. That helps our problem.
I had such a bad day at work Friday that had my boss been there I would have quit. I suppose it was in my favor she wasn't though, huh. I am a service coordinator for plastics and gynecology right? Well, my favorite charge nurse is the one that makes our room assignments every day. I don't ever get to be in my services. We have one plastic surgeon and she has one scheduled day a week in the OR. I get to work with her maybe every three weeks. But there is gynecologic surgery four days a week at least. I have not done a case in more than a month. I think it is very hard to do your job if you never get to work in the specialties. You are completely reliant on what others tell you/ask of you. If your coworkers don't tell you something needs to be changed on a card it can't happen. So then if the doctor decides to change something and tells the people they are working with and they don't pass it along, then next week when they want to do it exactly like they did it last week no ones. Then the doctor is pissed. Another issue we have is making sure a surgery gets scheduled in the computer for the right actual procedure. When the person puts it in the computer they have to match it up to a card. That card tells the people who pull the case what to pull and the people who do the case what they need and what to do. Well, if you don't match up a surgery to the right card it is a huge problem. It wastes a lot of people's time and it causes a lot of frustration. It also costs money. Supplies always end up getting wasted then. Well, Friday I got my ass chewed the entire time I gave a lunch to a coworker in the room where the plastic surgeon was working. She barely took a breath. There was nothing I could say or do, she just wanted to be mad at someone. Making sure what is on her cards is right is my job. I don't know how to get the people that schedule to get the right cards. I have tried and tried. I have told them to ask me. I have explained and explained. I finally have the ability to go in and change it in the computer but that is something that is very hard for me to do when I am in cases all day. We finally got permission to get slight overtime to work on some of our service coordinator duties. We can have one hour a week. That is something, but really need one day a week (not overtime, just a regular day) but we don't have the staff. Anyway, I was ready to quit after my ass chewing because I have been so frustrated about never getting to be in my own services. I'm so glad I got a warm welcome when I got there. Can't wait to work with her tomorrow because it is my once every three weeks!
Last but not least, Jake is allergic to the dogs and the cat. For this moment we aren't going to do anything. The dogs don't come in the house. The cat is almost fifteen. She isn't allowed in the bedroom and that is the biggest recommendation besides getting rid of her. My hormones are all over the place and that doesn't help with any of this. I am finally doing better. The pneumonia is gone. Still coughing, but a lot less. My energy is a lot better. I just feel like I am on the verge of tears a lot. I suppose that is why my ass is so big.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Frustration
I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. Ours was there. I was sick. I am sicker than I was last week when I went to the dr. I felt better for a few days because of the big old shot of steroids and then the dose pack, but now not so good. I had a fever most of the day yesterday and again today. I went back to the doctor, you know, after I got out of work early today and got stronger antibiotics and better cough medicine. I have coughed my self into some strained muscles along my ribs and into back spasms. What freaking fun! That isn't my actual issue however.
We went to my in laws yesterday to eat. Mike was actually home and went and then it was just them and Jake and me. We ate during nap time. Oh wait, we had to keep the boy up. Thank goodness I feed him lunch because there was nothing for him to eat. He is FINALLY interested in real food, some. He wouldn't touch the turkey. He wanted green bean casserole. Luckily she had some beans in the cupboard still. The chewed on a radish for awhile. He basically ate a few green beans and some crackers. We have known Jake's allergies since he was 8 months or a little less right? Grandpa wanted to give him the casserole. No, I said. He wanted to give him the mashed potatoes Jake wanted. No, Grandpa I said. Grandma wanted to give him the stuffing. Where is package I asked. Did you use butter in it like the directions say? Oh, says Grandma. Grandpa hands him a roll. Where is the bag, I ask. Nope, not that either. Well can he have the green salad, Gpa asks. I turn and look at him and say No! (it gag worthy anyway but it is made with cottage cheese). Hello??? When I went to take the roll away I looked at their bread, nope, it has milk. I know I am not handling this as well as I might because I really don't feel good, but come on people! They pick him up from daycare and FEED him. Now, to my knowledge, they give him crackers, baby food that I buy, and fruit. I have actually been grateful he won't eat food there. Apparently I am going to have to pack him a dinner on the days they have to pick him up. They just don't get it.
However, the icing on the cake, the thing that sent me home crying, the reason that I believe these people are idiots... sitting on an end table in the living room where Jake plays was a cup of m&m's and PEANUTS. I know it isn't the end of the world if Jake gets a little dairy. Milk still gives him eczema. But peanuts could KILL him. Obviously they don't understand that I am absolutely terrified of the world out there and my child's peanut allergy. I have to work hard not to think about it and just do everything I can to control his environment. I am working very hard to not let the anxiety in the back of my mind over this allergy to freak me out. I have thought about changing my job to something I can do from home. I have given it thought to actually home school my son when the time comes. I think that is a great thing for some people. I mean I really give those parents (okay we know it is mostly mothers) credit. I couldn't do it. We would be butting heads and I would be going insane. I get frustrated to easily. I am not a teacher and I think there is a special place in heaven for teachers and those who care work in daycare. I can't imagine being in a room full of two year olds, three year olds, four year olds, whatever. I know I couldn't handle that, but I am terrified of the world out there when my son has a life-threatening allergy. I can not control the whole world, but I should be able to count on his damn grandparents! The f***ing peanuts are right next to his crackers in the cupboard. The f***ing peanut butter is next to his baby food. He goes to the cupboard for his stuff! I should be able to count on his grandparents to not be idiots. I have tried education. I have expressed to them the severity of the allergy. They have and epipen and had to learn how to use it.
I didn't even bring it up with Mike after we got home. We went in separate cars and he went to work as soon as we came home so he didn't notice I had been crying. I don't know how to solve this. They are always going to be his grandparents and apparently they are going to be idiots. I have looked into different daycare options. I can't find anything that fits our need. We can't afford to pay someone $10 an hour to watch him in addition to his regular daycare. There is not one actual daycare that is open late enough. Plus, sometimes I have to stay late. Overtime is mandatory and not scheduled. Mike is gone there is nothing he can do. I have considered giving room and board and paying a college student to watch him but I can't find one. I almost had one. Almost, but that is only temporary anyway. I have asked at daycare if there is anyone interested but there isn't. Duh, they want to leave work too. It comes back to me. To my job. Or Mike's job. If I could find an office/case management/ education kind of job, I would have to take a huge pay cut. That would be hard but we could figure something out. But there hasn't been anything. I can't really afford a 20 thousand dollar pay cut either. Especially since there is still instability with Mike's job. If he loses his job than maybe he could find something with normal hours but the job market is so terrible here and he won't move. I don't know what to pray for! I wish a nanny that refuses pay would drop out of the sky for us. I think I need to talk to my minister again. I keep hoping that someone will present them self to her that will fit our needs. I have put it out there to many people. I mean we obviously will have to cough up the cash if we could just find someone because we just can't count on his grandparents. They won't watch him overnight when I am on call either so that is a problem as well. But I can't really trust them anyway! Mike doesn't get it either because when we have problems with our actual daycare he is quick to say that we could pay his mom to watch Jake.
BTW, the dumbass coworker was finished yesterday and so far the charge hasn't freaked out and retaliated. I know the boss talked to her after so many people talked. I know I have had some bad assignments lately but I think work just sucks right now. I think some people have worse assignments than I do.
We went to my in laws yesterday to eat. Mike was actually home and went and then it was just them and Jake and me. We ate during nap time. Oh wait, we had to keep the boy up. Thank goodness I feed him lunch because there was nothing for him to eat. He is FINALLY interested in real food, some. He wouldn't touch the turkey. He wanted green bean casserole. Luckily she had some beans in the cupboard still. The chewed on a radish for awhile. He basically ate a few green beans and some crackers. We have known Jake's allergies since he was 8 months or a little less right? Grandpa wanted to give him the casserole. No, I said. He wanted to give him the mashed potatoes Jake wanted. No, Grandpa I said. Grandma wanted to give him the stuffing. Where is package I asked. Did you use butter in it like the directions say? Oh, says Grandma. Grandpa hands him a roll. Where is the bag, I ask. Nope, not that either. Well can he have the green salad, Gpa asks. I turn and look at him and say No! (it gag worthy anyway but it is made with cottage cheese). Hello??? When I went to take the roll away I looked at their bread, nope, it has milk. I know I am not handling this as well as I might because I really don't feel good, but come on people! They pick him up from daycare and FEED him. Now, to my knowledge, they give him crackers, baby food that I buy, and fruit. I have actually been grateful he won't eat food there. Apparently I am going to have to pack him a dinner on the days they have to pick him up. They just don't get it.
However, the icing on the cake, the thing that sent me home crying, the reason that I believe these people are idiots... sitting on an end table in the living room where Jake plays was a cup of m&m's and PEANUTS. I know it isn't the end of the world if Jake gets a little dairy. Milk still gives him eczema. But peanuts could KILL him. Obviously they don't understand that I am absolutely terrified of the world out there and my child's peanut allergy. I have to work hard not to think about it and just do everything I can to control his environment. I am working very hard to not let the anxiety in the back of my mind over this allergy to freak me out. I have thought about changing my job to something I can do from home. I have given it thought to actually home school my son when the time comes. I think that is a great thing for some people. I mean I really give those parents (okay we know it is mostly mothers) credit. I couldn't do it. We would be butting heads and I would be going insane. I get frustrated to easily. I am not a teacher and I think there is a special place in heaven for teachers and those who care work in daycare. I can't imagine being in a room full of two year olds, three year olds, four year olds, whatever. I know I couldn't handle that, but I am terrified of the world out there when my son has a life-threatening allergy. I can not control the whole world, but I should be able to count on his damn grandparents! The f***ing peanuts are right next to his crackers in the cupboard. The f***ing peanut butter is next to his baby food. He goes to the cupboard for his stuff! I should be able to count on his grandparents to not be idiots. I have tried education. I have expressed to them the severity of the allergy. They have and epipen and had to learn how to use it.
I didn't even bring it up with Mike after we got home. We went in separate cars and he went to work as soon as we came home so he didn't notice I had been crying. I don't know how to solve this. They are always going to be his grandparents and apparently they are going to be idiots. I have looked into different daycare options. I can't find anything that fits our need. We can't afford to pay someone $10 an hour to watch him in addition to his regular daycare. There is not one actual daycare that is open late enough. Plus, sometimes I have to stay late. Overtime is mandatory and not scheduled. Mike is gone there is nothing he can do. I have considered giving room and board and paying a college student to watch him but I can't find one. I almost had one. Almost, but that is only temporary anyway. I have asked at daycare if there is anyone interested but there isn't. Duh, they want to leave work too. It comes back to me. To my job. Or Mike's job. If I could find an office/case management/ education kind of job, I would have to take a huge pay cut. That would be hard but we could figure something out. But there hasn't been anything. I can't really afford a 20 thousand dollar pay cut either. Especially since there is still instability with Mike's job. If he loses his job than maybe he could find something with normal hours but the job market is so terrible here and he won't move. I don't know what to pray for! I wish a nanny that refuses pay would drop out of the sky for us. I think I need to talk to my minister again. I keep hoping that someone will present them self to her that will fit our needs. I have put it out there to many people. I mean we obviously will have to cough up the cash if we could just find someone because we just can't count on his grandparents. They won't watch him overnight when I am on call either so that is a problem as well. But I can't really trust them anyway! Mike doesn't get it either because when we have problems with our actual daycare he is quick to say that we could pay his mom to watch Jake.
BTW, the dumbass coworker was finished yesterday and so far the charge hasn't freaked out and retaliated. I know the boss talked to her after so many people talked. I know I have had some bad assignments lately but I think work just sucks right now. I think some people have worse assignments than I do.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Really?
I know that I am in a funk, okay, a depression right now. I am working to pick my self up and enjoy this time of year. I know I need to do a better job of enjoying all my time with Jake. I know once the time is past it is past so I need to do better about taking in the moment. Anyway, that isn't my beef. Right now my personal issue with everyone is to think or just shut their freaking mouths. I will probably explode on the next person who says "don't you think you should be thinking about a second one now?" I have been sick, really sick. I have had a cough for more than four weeks that turned into pneumonia last week. I just had a cough, a dry annoying cough so I didn't go to the Dr until I got sick. Well, this week I had a couple of really rough days at work. I mean I was light headed, diaphoretic, just not looking so good - a combination of being sick and being anemic from AF. I believe I was asked about 100 times, seriously, if I was pregnant. I just can't take it.
Can't people mind their own f'ing business. I mean, I don't know if I am going to yell or burst into tears. I mean you just can't sit down and discuss your reproductive issues with everyone. Maybe I should and they would get the point to back off. People just don't get it. I know my issues are much less significant than others but I'm certainly not one of those people that gets pregnant without trying. I'm scared, I guess. What if it takes a year again? What if we have to do more? How am I going to be able to deal with these people??? For crapsake, yesterday the people giving me a hard time were friends - an OB and a nurse for the GYN that specializes in infertility. What if? What if? What if? My little mind is so fragile right now, but time is not my friend (as I was reminded) and I can't take anymore time to try to straighten myself out. I'm scared. I don't know what to do, but I do know that the next person that says something to me might really regret it!!!
Can't people mind their own f'ing business. I mean, I don't know if I am going to yell or burst into tears. I mean you just can't sit down and discuss your reproductive issues with everyone. Maybe I should and they would get the point to back off. People just don't get it. I know my issues are much less significant than others but I'm certainly not one of those people that gets pregnant without trying. I'm scared, I guess. What if it takes a year again? What if we have to do more? How am I going to be able to deal with these people??? For crapsake, yesterday the people giving me a hard time were friends - an OB and a nurse for the GYN that specializes in infertility. What if? What if? What if? My little mind is so fragile right now, but time is not my friend (as I was reminded) and I can't take anymore time to try to straighten myself out. I'm scared. I don't know what to do, but I do know that the next person that says something to me might really regret it!!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Hell to pay????
I think we all might be in trouble at work. Friday and Monday our Unit Manager (charge nurse+) and another nurse that we don't actually know what she does (her title is supervisor of the aides or something) were gone. Oh and the director was gone Friday too. Crap to me that I was on call and the charge for the day. It was a bad day. The nurse in charge of the aides made a very poor decision to leave someone who has been here for like a month on her own to take the only aide with experience to a meeting. Not good. Not good at all. We didn't even have any extra nurses to help her until afternoon. We are lucky she came back!
Anyway, that just has me pissed what I am worried about is the boss. We have meetings every Monday morning to help educate us staff. That is good, most of the time. Our presentation was very short this week so we sat and talked because we could. All the people you have to worry about what you say were gone. People could speak freely about how stressful our charge makes everything and how in her attempts to make things go well, we are actually getting screwed. We also all realized that we don't know what this other nurse actually does all day everyday and she stays for hours and hours of overtime when we are in a time of very tight money. We all talked about talking to our new boss and our fear for retaliation from our charge. It is horrible to live in fear of what awful things the person in power over you will do to you. It is awful. There are some newer people that don't know the hell you pay and don't understand why us old timers don't demand change. They know how she is, they just have never experienced months or years of torture.
I was in a room all day until I left early because of a call from daycare that Jake had a temp of 103. He did still when I got home too (Mike went to get him). Poor boy. Anyway, I understand that after our morning meeting that many people went to the boss's office and were in there for hours. Some went as individuals and some went as groups. I know the boss was aware of our fears of the charge nurse, but I don't think any of us ever talked to her before. I don't know what we would. I don't know what we can do. Someone has to be in charge. She also is doing a ton of stuff that she didn't do before we got this boss. When someone else is in charge we just run the desk. We don't do all her "other" stuff. Well, when she is gone for any length of time, it has always been the nurse that we now don't know what she does that would be in charge day after day. Well, in the past, she might have been a good candidate for the job, but now she does not have the respect of the staff. Not at all.
I am very afraid the can of worms we thought we were opening was a actually a bottomless snake pit! I didn't say anything, but I will stand behind my coworkers that did because whatever they said is true. And as bad as moral was for awhile, we have all realized it is worse now. We are looking at the holiday schedule and there is no one to work. It is bad. We won't have many late shifts so people can go home at a decent time. The end of the year is always when we do the most surgeries. People have met their deductibles and want to get it done and don't care what time or day of the week. Doctors are grateful for the business and will work us to death. Each doctor only sees their own needs or how some other doctor is standing in the way of their needs. They don't see or care if they are burning out all the staff by keeping four or five rooms going until seven, eight, nine at night. We just aren't staffed for that. I am scared. We have already had some huge fights at my house over our work schedule. With impending cuts with the railroad, I really have to keep my job! It is just a big problem right now. I'm scared, but my family is more important than my job. However, we do have to eat and have a place to live.
Anyway, that just has me pissed what I am worried about is the boss. We have meetings every Monday morning to help educate us staff. That is good, most of the time. Our presentation was very short this week so we sat and talked because we could. All the people you have to worry about what you say were gone. People could speak freely about how stressful our charge makes everything and how in her attempts to make things go well, we are actually getting screwed. We also all realized that we don't know what this other nurse actually does all day everyday and she stays for hours and hours of overtime when we are in a time of very tight money. We all talked about talking to our new boss and our fear for retaliation from our charge. It is horrible to live in fear of what awful things the person in power over you will do to you. It is awful. There are some newer people that don't know the hell you pay and don't understand why us old timers don't demand change. They know how she is, they just have never experienced months or years of torture.
I was in a room all day until I left early because of a call from daycare that Jake had a temp of 103. He did still when I got home too (Mike went to get him). Poor boy. Anyway, I understand that after our morning meeting that many people went to the boss's office and were in there for hours. Some went as individuals and some went as groups. I know the boss was aware of our fears of the charge nurse, but I don't think any of us ever talked to her before. I don't know what we would. I don't know what we can do. Someone has to be in charge. She also is doing a ton of stuff that she didn't do before we got this boss. When someone else is in charge we just run the desk. We don't do all her "other" stuff. Well, when she is gone for any length of time, it has always been the nurse that we now don't know what she does that would be in charge day after day. Well, in the past, she might have been a good candidate for the job, but now she does not have the respect of the staff. Not at all.
I am very afraid the can of worms we thought we were opening was a actually a bottomless snake pit! I didn't say anything, but I will stand behind my coworkers that did because whatever they said is true. And as bad as moral was for awhile, we have all realized it is worse now. We are looking at the holiday schedule and there is no one to work. It is bad. We won't have many late shifts so people can go home at a decent time. The end of the year is always when we do the most surgeries. People have met their deductibles and want to get it done and don't care what time or day of the week. Doctors are grateful for the business and will work us to death. Each doctor only sees their own needs or how some other doctor is standing in the way of their needs. They don't see or care if they are burning out all the staff by keeping four or five rooms going until seven, eight, nine at night. We just aren't staffed for that. I am scared. We have already had some huge fights at my house over our work schedule. With impending cuts with the railroad, I really have to keep my job! It is just a big problem right now. I'm scared, but my family is more important than my job. However, we do have to eat and have a place to live.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Some pictures finally
Finally some pictures from our trip to my sister's house. I decided I needed to get them onto the computer at last! I am terrible about erasing pictures from my camera and it was sad! I got this camera for Christmas last year. Poor my Jake has changed. The baby has sure come out off his face. Makes me sad to see how fast he is growing up!
Here is Jake with his cousins at Balloon Fiesta. He loved it. LOVED it. Only Ethan and Sam went with us. Ben is still afraid of the burners so he stayed home with his dad.
We got to have a lot of fun with Aunt Suzi while the boys were at school. Here we were at the aquarium. Kind of hard to take pictures though
We also got to go to Explora a kids science museum and it was great fun for Jake and us. He is controlling one of the water sprays on a two story interactive fountain here.
Here is an air table where you put nails in the holes and it increases the force of the air in the other holes. I think we all could have played with it all day.
I thought the bubbles would be his favorite part but I was surprised. He was done pretty early and my sister and I wanted to keep playing
He loved helping Aunt Suzi vacuum!
I tried and tried to get a picture with all the boys and mine wouldn't cooperate. He was having none of it but his cousins were really good!
He had a lot of fun playing with the boys. He loved all their toys and all the space they have to play.
He stacked these cans in my sister's window forever. Unfortunately, I did have to listen to some sisterly advise on parenting. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know was a problem. Jake's sleep is still a nightmare. It is almost impossible to get him to go to his bed, lay down and go to sleep. He will go lay down in his chair in my room and go to sleep and then get in bed with us at some point. He will lay down in the living room and go to sleep so you have to carry him to bed. He still screams and throws up for hours. We need to have a better schedule. I know this but it is damn near impossible with our jobs. Daddy goes to work at all hours of the night and day. I have three different shifts I work plus call and I literally don't know from day to day when I will be picking him up. In addition, he gets picked up by Grandma or Grandpa when I have to work late so he is at their house too which always throws a wrench in his schedule. I'm sorry I'm not a SAHM or have a job with normal hours too or have Mike's job have any schedule what so ever at all. It would make a schedule for Jake a heck of a lot easier! It makes me not want to see my sister again until Jake's sleep is better and I have no idea how long that will take. I mean it is a little better because he doesn't have to be rocked to sleep anymore.
Jacob has a new uncle! Mike's parents had to put their dog to sleep because he had lung cancer. His dad's way of dealing with that is to immediately get a new dog. Well, he had to wait about two weeks to pick up his puppy and those two weeks were hell. He was so depressed he had trouble getting out of bed. Now that MJ is here he is a different man. I don't understand the name MJ nor do I like it. I've just been calling him puppy like Jake. Jake wants to play with him so bad and the puppy wants to play with Jake but is smart enough to know better. He will run out and take a swipe at Jake and then run back to the safety of an adult. It won't be long and Jake will be experiencing those razor sharp teeth.
Jake did not so much like Halloween. He wore his costume just fine but not the going to the houses business. We didn't even go door-to-door. I am going to have to have another person with me that can go ahead and plant Jake-safe treats or stay with him so I can scope it out. We just went to friends and he cried at almost every stop. He did not like having a bag and he wanted to eat everything right then and there. I couldn't even get a picture of him until we got to the grandparent's because was so grouchy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
