I made it through the weekend but I didn't much like being around myself. I have been a giant bitch. I tried very hard not to be bad a work since I do have another person glued to my hip. Poor thing. She already wanted to get her tubes tied before she had to work with me. Did you know insurance won't pay for it unless you have had a child? At least the two different insurances that she is eligible for won't. That doesn't seem right.
We had to work twelve hours yesterday. It sucked and I was so tired. But it could have been much worse. None of the cases were bad. Nothing truly life threatening or horribly demanding and it was twelve hours of much needed double time. We did operate on the same patient we worked on Friday and he is still critical but the surgery was much less difficult and he was more stable. The thing that pisses me off the most is that the cafeteria at the hospital closes at 1400 on Saturdays and Sundays. I get cranky when I am hungry when I am not pregnant. Now it hits me even harder. Those poor people I had to work with.
I was mad at my husband all weekend too. He went to his sister's house on Saturday to take her some furniture from his Grandma's house. Did he get anything? No, and he had to pay for the gas in a pick up for a trip that is about 350 miles (round trip). I know he wanted to go see his sister, but we were supposed to go this coming weekend. We were planning on staying in a hotel and doing some shopping for the baby. We had been planning this now because he is on vacation of course, but also because my birthday is the next weekend. Well, because it took so damn long for him to get his training done and then because of my surgery we really can't afford it. That alone pisses me off. I hate when something messes with my financial planning. I don't like surprises. Darn it all if life isn't full of them. So, being the responsible one of us, I said we really can't go especially since he went last weekend. I don't know if we will be able to leave town again before the baby. I was really counting on being able to get to some stores where I can lay my hands on some of the things that I have been looking at on the internet. I am extremely thankful that I can go online and have access to anything my heart desires, but somehow I want to pick up and mess with car seats and strollers. I just don't want to spend a punch of money and get something that is difficult for me to use. There can't be enough positive reviews on something because I'm going to be the one person out there that can't get it to fold, flip, or clip or whatever it is supposed to do. I am starting to panic a bit because we have nothing yet. I told my husband last week we need to go to tar.get and register and he didn't have a clue you registered for anything when you have a baby. I think he thinks he will be able to get stuff like when we got married.
I am cranky too because my face isn't changing. The only thing that has changed is that it now feels tight instead of heavy and droopy. It feels like it is being pulled back now. This weekend was murder on my eye though. I couldn't get it to close very well at all most of the day yesterday. I need time to rest and relax. My job and husband aren't very cooperative with that.
The fu$*^*g bathroom floor still isn't done yet. Nope, not yet. I'm just not sure how difficult one man can make this but my husband is doing his best. I do feel a tiny bit bad for him because it was almost 90 degrees today. Of course, if he had gotten up and started it this morning like I had encourage it wouldn't have been so hot when he was in there working. The real thing I was worried about was that the ONE stupid toilet we have in this house would not be working when I needed it. Well, he did pull the toilet to rip up the floor under it and get the last of the wall painted that was behind it. He also made a template of the floor (I did help because I want the floor to fit) for cutting the real floor. It can't be normal to have extra wax rings in your garage for toilets? We do. Good thing since he has to pull the toilet again tomorrow to actually put the floor down. Good thing I work until 1930 tomorrow. With Gods help (a nagging, crying wife certainly can't make it happen) the floor will be in. I am just worried that he will make it "good enough" and not as it needs to be.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Work
I am in the middle of my long work weekend. If nothing changes with scheduling (there is a possibility), the next time I will have the long weekend will be the end of July. There is no way in hell that is going to happen. I can barely do this now. If I didn't still have someone there I was training I couldn't do this now. In the nearly eight years that I have worked at my job there has not been anyone with my exact job that has been pregnant. I don't know when my boss would think it would be acceptable to stop taking call. For me it would have been when I told her I was pregnant, but somehow I think that would be unreasonable. I have three more calls scheduled from now until four weeks from today and that is all I am going to do. I'm sure my doctor would be happy to write me a note. My job is kicking my ass!
I was on call last night and I had to stay two half hours after the end of my regular shift. It ticked me off some because there were two people just standing around waiting that do my job. However they had to wait. We had to be ready to bring a trauma patient to the OR immediately if need be. But here was thing that I knew would happen, we finished our room and then still had to take care of the trauma patient. We did get to go home and be off for about two hours before we had to come back and someone else did start the trauma patient. But still we ended up having to take care of the trauma patient. Trauma patients are much harder than regular emergencies because they have so many things wrong with them. It is good to have a some when you have someone orienting so that they can see what you need to do and how you juggle it. It is a juggle and can be a lot harder than our regular job for a few reasons. 1. you are all alone. Most of these patients are after hours and on weekends and there is NO ONE there to help you, no aides to run and get something for you like an instrument you can't find or blood, let alone another nurse there to help you in the room. These cases tend to be what can weed people out or boost people up. They let you see what your nursing skill are when everyone tells us we aren't real nurses back in surgery. 2. You don't always know what you are getting into until you are done. There are many times that a doctor tells you to prepare for a certain case and by the time you have finished it is something completely different. I am the only person that can leave the room so that means I am responsible for getting everything that takes us from whatever we were planning on doing to whatever we actually need to do. 3. Normally we deal with one surgeon and maybe another assisting them and the anesthesiologist. On a trauma patient I personally have had to handle as many as three surgeons working independently and then the anesthesiologist. I only had that happen once and it was terrible. There are very few surgeons that are patient enough to wait while you get something for someone else. They want your undivided adoration, I mean attention. Obviously it is can be extremely stressful and in fact life threatening.
Ours last night wasn't that bad. But it was still a trauma patient. We did have two doctors working on multiple orthopedic issues and an ENT stitching up the severe lacerations on the patient's head. Unfortunately, we had the most demanding anesthesiologist on call. (we have some that are able to do things for themselves like make phone calls to lab or call ICU with vent settings but not this one and mind you he isn't alone we have nurse anesthetists that actually do the cases and the anesthesiologist oversees the case). I just don't know how many more times I can do this at this point. We were able to leave by a little after 2200 but I had to work again today and am on call again tomorrow for the entire day. My Sundays generally suck too. We already had an "emergency" case scheduled for tomorrow by Friday evening. I have never seen that before and to top it off the doctor is an ass. The problem is, we will actually have emergencies still. Too bad someone with a real emergency couldn't bump his case. They could, but we will just wait and see what happens. Anyway, this is too much for me. I can't hustle like I used to/need to for them and I can't do this. It is getting to be too much on me physically. It kills me to do these intense cases or work fifteen out of 24 hours and come back the next day to work again. Surely, with my orientee, I can make it three more times in the next month. For the most part, I am just there to help. Last night we were both extremely busy however and I didn't feel very good. Really, really tired.
I was on call last night and I had to stay two half hours after the end of my regular shift. It ticked me off some because there were two people just standing around waiting that do my job. However they had to wait. We had to be ready to bring a trauma patient to the OR immediately if need be. But here was thing that I knew would happen, we finished our room and then still had to take care of the trauma patient. We did get to go home and be off for about two hours before we had to come back and someone else did start the trauma patient. But still we ended up having to take care of the trauma patient. Trauma patients are much harder than regular emergencies because they have so many things wrong with them. It is good to have a some when you have someone orienting so that they can see what you need to do and how you juggle it. It is a juggle and can be a lot harder than our regular job for a few reasons. 1. you are all alone. Most of these patients are after hours and on weekends and there is NO ONE there to help you, no aides to run and get something for you like an instrument you can't find or blood, let alone another nurse there to help you in the room. These cases tend to be what can weed people out or boost people up. They let you see what your nursing skill are when everyone tells us we aren't real nurses back in surgery. 2. You don't always know what you are getting into until you are done. There are many times that a doctor tells you to prepare for a certain case and by the time you have finished it is something completely different. I am the only person that can leave the room so that means I am responsible for getting everything that takes us from whatever we were planning on doing to whatever we actually need to do. 3. Normally we deal with one surgeon and maybe another assisting them and the anesthesiologist. On a trauma patient I personally have had to handle as many as three surgeons working independently and then the anesthesiologist. I only had that happen once and it was terrible. There are very few surgeons that are patient enough to wait while you get something for someone else. They want your undivided adoration, I mean attention. Obviously it is can be extremely stressful and in fact life threatening.
Ours last night wasn't that bad. But it was still a trauma patient. We did have two doctors working on multiple orthopedic issues and an ENT stitching up the severe lacerations on the patient's head. Unfortunately, we had the most demanding anesthesiologist on call. (we have some that are able to do things for themselves like make phone calls to lab or call ICU with vent settings but not this one and mind you he isn't alone we have nurse anesthetists that actually do the cases and the anesthesiologist oversees the case). I just don't know how many more times I can do this at this point. We were able to leave by a little after 2200 but I had to work again today and am on call again tomorrow for the entire day. My Sundays generally suck too. We already had an "emergency" case scheduled for tomorrow by Friday evening. I have never seen that before and to top it off the doctor is an ass. The problem is, we will actually have emergencies still. Too bad someone with a real emergency couldn't bump his case. They could, but we will just wait and see what happens. Anyway, this is too much for me. I can't hustle like I used to/need to for them and I can't do this. It is getting to be too much on me physically. It kills me to do these intense cases or work fifteen out of 24 hours and come back the next day to work again. Surely, with my orientee, I can make it three more times in the next month. For the most part, I am just there to help. Last night we were both extremely busy however and I didn't feel very good. Really, really tired.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Yipee!!!
I am sitting at the computer and my husband is in finishing the walls in the bathroom! I am so happy about that. There is a draw back. I am more detail oriented, much much more. At this point I don't care that much. He still has trim and the rest of the cabinet doors to do tomorrow. I had gotten almost everything I could reach done except for touch ups and then I finally turned up pregnant. It already looks so much better. Now just the floor, and the baseboards. He thinks we should do a crown molding but that is because he doesn't want to be neat where the wall meets the ceiling. I have tried to tell him how much more work it would be to cut, install, and paint molding. What is he thinking? He thinks it will look more finished. I think the room is too small.
Now I have a serious issue. I have been looking at car seats and I don't know what to get. The more I look into it the more confused I get and the more afraid my husband will just buy something. I read the old consumer report on them that was inaccurate but I haven't read an updated one. We are going to end up needing three I think and I don't know if in the end what would be our best option. I want something safe and convenient but at the same time I'm not sure that I want to buy one that only goes to 22 lbs. We will see what happens but one of the things I actually have been expecting with this pregnancy is a large baby. I don't suppose if he is 7lb or 9lbs that is a whole lot of difference in the length of time we have a car seat, but I don't know what the hell I am doing anyway. I just don't want to mess up already. My sister has tried telling me about all these different types of strollers and crap but I am clueless. I want things that are safe and easy to use.
There is something I keep doing that I'm sure some of you are doing now too. I will be doing something like sitting and watching TV and I will think about how different my life will be in a year or six months or something. What will I be doing instead of watching these "stars" dance around the floor? I went for my acupuncture appointment today and I thought, now how will I do things like this in eight months (I better not still be needing the acupuncture for my face by then!!!)? Will I do things like this for myself? What will be important to me then? I don't do a lot of things for myself. I don't get my hair done very often. I usually only go get a massage if I am having serious problems. I don't ever go get facials, manicures or pedicures. What will I do? I don't know and it really isn't important, but I keep thinking about these things. I just keep wondering how life will be for us.
Now I have a serious issue. I have been looking at car seats and I don't know what to get. The more I look into it the more confused I get and the more afraid my husband will just buy something. I read the old consumer report on them that was inaccurate but I haven't read an updated one. We are going to end up needing three I think and I don't know if in the end what would be our best option. I want something safe and convenient but at the same time I'm not sure that I want to buy one that only goes to 22 lbs. We will see what happens but one of the things I actually have been expecting with this pregnancy is a large baby. I don't suppose if he is 7lb or 9lbs that is a whole lot of difference in the length of time we have a car seat, but I don't know what the hell I am doing anyway. I just don't want to mess up already. My sister has tried telling me about all these different types of strollers and crap but I am clueless. I want things that are safe and easy to use.
There is something I keep doing that I'm sure some of you are doing now too. I will be doing something like sitting and watching TV and I will think about how different my life will be in a year or six months or something. What will I be doing instead of watching these "stars" dance around the floor? I went for my acupuncture appointment today and I thought, now how will I do things like this in eight months (I better not still be needing the acupuncture for my face by then!!!)? Will I do things like this for myself? What will be important to me then? I don't do a lot of things for myself. I don't get my hair done very often. I usually only go get a massage if I am having serious problems. I don't ever go get facials, manicures or pedicures. What will I do? I don't know and it really isn't important, but I keep thinking about these things. I just keep wondering how life will be for us.
My day off...
I have, or rather had, so many plans for my day off. I finally got my husband to clean all the gutters so now I can clean the flower beds that run 3/4 the way around the house. That was first on my list today. No such luck. It is 40 degrees (21 with the wind chill) and pouring rain. The wind is just ripping everything around. As a matter of fact I keep expecting the power to go out because of the wind. That is a problem on someone else's to do list.
The last time I got sick was two weeks ago today. This is probably the worst day I have had since then about feeling sick. I feel darn lucky about that. I can't imagine vomiting with my current predicament. I have been glad I haven't had to give it a try. Hopefully this to will pass this morning.
I am a procrastinator, but not like my husband. He is always "busy." Now I try to give him a break because of his insane work schedule or actual lack there of. But that can only go so far and then, well, I may nag. I keep trying to tell him that we need to get everything we need to have done before the baby comes in a timely fashion. We can't just wait until tomorrow or next week (like the damn gutters). I keep telling him that I don't have any idea how long I will be able to do some of these things. I never look forward to crawling around on the ground on my hands and knees but I know it has to be done and he won't do it. The larger factor is our house. Since we have accepted that there is just no way we will be living somewhere else before the baby is born we have a lot to do. I mean a lot. I went down into our basement (I don't like it down there) and looked around at all the shit we have. We have a storage room completely full and a room that I could never sleep in, but is a bedroom, that is also filled with stuff. Most of that stuff is from our wedding. There are presents we haven't been able to use and don't have anywhere to store, like in the kitchen. Decorations from the wedding I don't know what to do with. Lots of stuff. Sadly, some one just threw most of the stuff in the room and didn't try to put any rhyme or reason to it. So it is in mountains. Many of these items were in the nasty room one would call a family room when I went to my sister's house last fall. When I came back there was a brand new, top of the line bow.flex there in its place. Funny, I've never seen it used... To top it off the room I am currently in needs to be completely disassembled and some how reassembled down there, somewhere. "We" have our work cut out for us and I don't want to put it off for too long. I also don't want to do it at all. I do keep doing small things like a box here or a corner there. There is just so much stuff that we need to get rid of. I am not about to have a garage sale, but I suppose I should see if someone else I know is having one. I can't throw some of this stuff away and I don't know how you invite people to come over and look at your left overs.
I suppose since I can't work outside today I will work on some of that. I have to go to the bank and the courthouse and the bank again today. I don't want to do that. I went to see about getting my car registration changed after the wedding and they said to just wait until it was due or it would cost a bunch extra. It is due this month and they said I have to get the title changed to get the registration changed. I don't have a clue, I just know it will take time and of course money. They do so love your money. Oh well, at least it will be shelter from the rain. I suppose I should get started on tha since I don't know how long it will in fact take and how many different offices I will have to go to get it done. I just hope no one asks if I went to the dentist or says they can't understand me because I might come unglued.
The last time I got sick was two weeks ago today. This is probably the worst day I have had since then about feeling sick. I feel darn lucky about that. I can't imagine vomiting with my current predicament. I have been glad I haven't had to give it a try. Hopefully this to will pass this morning.
I am a procrastinator, but not like my husband. He is always "busy." Now I try to give him a break because of his insane work schedule or actual lack there of. But that can only go so far and then, well, I may nag. I keep trying to tell him that we need to get everything we need to have done before the baby comes in a timely fashion. We can't just wait until tomorrow or next week (like the damn gutters). I keep telling him that I don't have any idea how long I will be able to do some of these things. I never look forward to crawling around on the ground on my hands and knees but I know it has to be done and he won't do it. The larger factor is our house. Since we have accepted that there is just no way we will be living somewhere else before the baby is born we have a lot to do. I mean a lot. I went down into our basement (I don't like it down there) and looked around at all the shit we have. We have a storage room completely full and a room that I could never sleep in, but is a bedroom, that is also filled with stuff. Most of that stuff is from our wedding. There are presents we haven't been able to use and don't have anywhere to store, like in the kitchen. Decorations from the wedding I don't know what to do with. Lots of stuff. Sadly, some one just threw most of the stuff in the room and didn't try to put any rhyme or reason to it. So it is in mountains. Many of these items were in the nasty room one would call a family room when I went to my sister's house last fall. When I came back there was a brand new, top of the line bow.flex there in its place. Funny, I've never seen it used... To top it off the room I am currently in needs to be completely disassembled and some how reassembled down there, somewhere. "We" have our work cut out for us and I don't want to put it off for too long. I also don't want to do it at all. I do keep doing small things like a box here or a corner there. There is just so much stuff that we need to get rid of. I am not about to have a garage sale, but I suppose I should see if someone else I know is having one. I can't throw some of this stuff away and I don't know how you invite people to come over and look at your left overs.
I suppose since I can't work outside today I will work on some of that. I have to go to the bank and the courthouse and the bank again today. I don't want to do that. I went to see about getting my car registration changed after the wedding and they said to just wait until it was due or it would cost a bunch extra. It is due this month and they said I have to get the title changed to get the registration changed. I don't have a clue, I just know it will take time and of course money. They do so love your money. Oh well, at least it will be shelter from the rain. I suppose I should get started on tha since I don't know how long it will in fact take and how many different offices I will have to go to get it done. I just hope no one asks if I went to the dentist or says they can't understand me because I might come unglued.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Great, it gets only better
My husband went over to his parents' house today and things are now even worse with my MIL. My MIL is refusing to talk to anyone. Of course this makes things difficult for my FIL and now my husband and FIL are mad at each other. My husband tried to talk to his mom today and I guess she said that I'm "not the first woman to ever be pregnant" to my husband. Well, obviously that is true. But this really, really made my husband mad. He said that she sat in the room where he was talking to his dad but refused to take part in the conversation and left all together after my husband got the above statement out of her. He says he told her that I was trying to explain but she wouldn't shut up for five seconds and listen. Sadly, those are probably pretty close to the words he used. They might not have even been that nice.
When his mom left he said he told his dad that he isn't going to tell his mother anything at all now. Great. He said he told his dad he would still talk to him but his mom was going to have to come to our house or call him if she wanted to talk him. I don't know what to do. I didn't realize how much his mom likes to be the center of attention until now. I have truly been trying to keep to myself because she has been driving me nuts - because I know that she requires more patience than I currently can muster. I don't think she can comprehend, let alone cares how crappy things have been for me so far. She just can't think about others. She seems to be lacking in compassion. I was able to get along with her pretty well through all the wedding stuff but this is obviously a different story. I am trying but... I don't know what to do. Now my FIL is mad at my husband. It is funny to me that my hot headed FIL is generally the most reasonable one in the bunch. I don't even dare talk to my SIL now. My husband is taking some stuff to her next week and I don't know how that will go. My SIL and MIL talk on the phone at least once a day (like my husband and his dad). My SIL can look at things from more than one perspective generally, but in the end she is very much like her mom. Some how I am going to have to make this better and my husband says under no circumstances am I to apologize for being sharp with his mother because he says I didn't do anything wrong. He firmly doesn't believe that sometimes you just have to suck it up to make peace. That is definitely a difference in our personalities. We are both (or the whole damn group of us) very stubborn, but in the end I really want peace and will do what it takes to negotiate that. Of course, my husband says I can't let his mom walk on me either. Crap!
When his mom left he said he told his dad that he isn't going to tell his mother anything at all now. Great. He said he told his dad he would still talk to him but his mom was going to have to come to our house or call him if she wanted to talk him. I don't know what to do. I didn't realize how much his mom likes to be the center of attention until now. I have truly been trying to keep to myself because she has been driving me nuts - because I know that she requires more patience than I currently can muster. I don't think she can comprehend, let alone cares how crappy things have been for me so far. She just can't think about others. She seems to be lacking in compassion. I was able to get along with her pretty well through all the wedding stuff but this is obviously a different story. I am trying but... I don't know what to do. Now my FIL is mad at my husband. It is funny to me that my hot headed FIL is generally the most reasonable one in the bunch. I don't even dare talk to my SIL now. My husband is taking some stuff to her next week and I don't know how that will go. My SIL and MIL talk on the phone at least once a day (like my husband and his dad). My SIL can look at things from more than one perspective generally, but in the end she is very much like her mom. Some how I am going to have to make this better and my husband says under no circumstances am I to apologize for being sharp with his mother because he says I didn't do anything wrong. He firmly doesn't believe that sometimes you just have to suck it up to make peace. That is definitely a difference in our personalities. We are both (or the whole damn group of us) very stubborn, but in the end I really want peace and will do what it takes to negotiate that. Of course, my husband says I can't let his mom walk on me either. Crap!
One of Them
I went shopping yesterday and I enjoyed it. Well, yes and no. The shopping part I hated. My husband wouldn't go so I had to push the heavy cart and that always makes me cramp. The spending money part, I didn't like that either. We did get a new floor for the bathroom bought so it is a little bit closer to being finished. The part I did like was that I got to be one of them.
Even though I haven't been trying to get pregnant for years and years I have still had pregnancy envy. Just because I didn't think it was time yet for me to be a mom didn't mean I still didn't ache to be a mommy. It has always seems to start for me in the spring and peak in the summer when, at least to me, it seems like there are pregnant women out everywhere. It is true that there are more outdoor activities so maybe that is why, but it just seems like every time I would turn around there would be another pregnant belly that wasn't mine. Last year was the hardest since I was trying to get pregnant. I also think, for me it comes in play with my birthday. Unintentionally, I measure my life around my birthday and what I don't have blares out at me. Last year I remember leaving one event in tears because I just couldn't take it anymore.
So here I am this year. I get to be one of them. This illustrious club that I have yearned to join for years! I was proud yesterday to be out in my brand new maternity pants that were finally the right size (even though they were still a little big). I still don't have to wear the maternity shirts but I have been because it is exciting. My shirts still work but they do seem to be a bit shorter than before. So I was out even though I have been avoiding the public because of my face. Being proud of my belly actually seemed to out weigh my other issues yesterday and that was good.
I haven't noticed my face getting any better at all. As a matter of fact, my eye is getting harder to blink. There doesn't really seem to be anything I can do that makes it feel better either. I have tried taping it shut and that doesn't seem to help.
I snapped at my MIL last night and hurt her feelings. Overall she is a very nice woman, but she doesn't have much understanding about others. I meant to get some strips for my nose yesterday and I forgot. Since the snoring strips function to lift open the airway from the outside I thought they may help me since the left side of my nose is collapsed on the inside. I was trying to explain this and she just didn't get it. She just kept trying to tell me what I should do and would not listen. She kept telling me I just needed to wash out my sinuses and then I could would be able to breathe better. I kept trying to explain to her that wasn't the problem and she carried on for five minutes about washing out my sinuses. I have had sinus surgery because of sinus infections, I have had allergies my entire life, I know how to wash out my sinuses (which by the way she was telling me how to do it wrong) and I snapped. MY SINUSES AREN'T THE PROBLEM IT IS MY NOSE and I got up and left the table. She said "well, all you had to do was tell me!" For Pete's sake that is what I had been doing. She is so dense. The rest of the evening was just great. My husband did step up. He knows his mother is like that. He did feel bad later because he said he wished he had just gotten up and said we were leaving. He knows how difficult this is for me and he knows how his parents are. I made it very clear to him before we accepted their dinner invitation that I wouldn't tolerate much about my face because it is so difficult for me. I don't like trying to eat in front of other people and eating is physically exhausting because it takes me so much work. Oh well. My MIL thinks I am a bitch while pregnant so I guess I can just keep up that reputation. She just seems to require so much patience for anyone to deal with and when I am not pregnant I am usually trying to help my husband calm down not the other way around. Sadly, she is worse than a child.
Even though I haven't been trying to get pregnant for years and years I have still had pregnancy envy. Just because I didn't think it was time yet for me to be a mom didn't mean I still didn't ache to be a mommy. It has always seems to start for me in the spring and peak in the summer when, at least to me, it seems like there are pregnant women out everywhere. It is true that there are more outdoor activities so maybe that is why, but it just seems like every time I would turn around there would be another pregnant belly that wasn't mine. Last year was the hardest since I was trying to get pregnant. I also think, for me it comes in play with my birthday. Unintentionally, I measure my life around my birthday and what I don't have blares out at me. Last year I remember leaving one event in tears because I just couldn't take it anymore.
So here I am this year. I get to be one of them. This illustrious club that I have yearned to join for years! I was proud yesterday to be out in my brand new maternity pants that were finally the right size (even though they were still a little big). I still don't have to wear the maternity shirts but I have been because it is exciting. My shirts still work but they do seem to be a bit shorter than before. So I was out even though I have been avoiding the public because of my face. Being proud of my belly actually seemed to out weigh my other issues yesterday and that was good.
I haven't noticed my face getting any better at all. As a matter of fact, my eye is getting harder to blink. There doesn't really seem to be anything I can do that makes it feel better either. I have tried taping it shut and that doesn't seem to help.
I snapped at my MIL last night and hurt her feelings. Overall she is a very nice woman, but she doesn't have much understanding about others. I meant to get some strips for my nose yesterday and I forgot. Since the snoring strips function to lift open the airway from the outside I thought they may help me since the left side of my nose is collapsed on the inside. I was trying to explain this and she just didn't get it. She just kept trying to tell me what I should do and would not listen. She kept telling me I just needed to wash out my sinuses and then I could would be able to breathe better. I kept trying to explain to her that wasn't the problem and she carried on for five minutes about washing out my sinuses. I have had sinus surgery because of sinus infections, I have had allergies my entire life, I know how to wash out my sinuses (which by the way she was telling me how to do it wrong) and I snapped. MY SINUSES AREN'T THE PROBLEM IT IS MY NOSE and I got up and left the table. She said "well, all you had to do was tell me!" For Pete's sake that is what I had been doing. She is so dense. The rest of the evening was just great. My husband did step up. He knows his mother is like that. He did feel bad later because he said he wished he had just gotten up and said we were leaving. He knows how difficult this is for me and he knows how his parents are. I made it very clear to him before we accepted their dinner invitation that I wouldn't tolerate much about my face because it is so difficult for me. I don't like trying to eat in front of other people and eating is physically exhausting because it takes me so much work. Oh well. My MIL thinks I am a bitch while pregnant so I guess I can just keep up that reputation. She just seems to require so much patience for anyone to deal with and when I am not pregnant I am usually trying to help my husband calm down not the other way around. Sadly, she is worse than a child.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Back at it
I had my first night of call last night in forever. It was back before my surgery, probably six or even seven weeks ago. I have only missed it on my paychecks. We had to work pretty much the entire night and it has kicked my ass. I was able to go home from about 1700-1915 and then had to stay until a little after 2200. I came home and was trying to relax and get ready for bed. I didn't make it. I had to go back at about 2300. I left work again at about 0115 and absolutely had to get some gas to get back to work in the morning. I came home and get less than 30 minutes of sleep before they called us back again at 0215. We finished up about 0430. Then what do you do? You are so exhausted but you know if you go home you might be in trouble. My alarm normally goes off at 0515 and I tend to snooze it once. The problem is if you lay down you might not wake back up. Well, since we couldn't get any food at work at that time I decided to come home. I did lay down. I set my alarm ahead and just decided there would be no shower this morning and my husband would have to help me with the dogs and that was going to be it.
I laid there and my face spasmed and twitched and pulled. I was having so much trouble by the end of the night with my eye I knew that no matter what I needed to just close it for awhile. That is pretty much what I did. I got maybe 10 minutes of sleep and because of all the spasming and then I got up and let Mike sleep and took the dogs for their morning walks. I had forgotten to fill the blanket warmer before I left and I was feeling very bad about that so I had to get to the hospital and fill the warmer so we weren't behind from the very get go. For the first time ever they let me go almost immediately. I couldn't believe it. I was in a short room with two cases (one patient however was having a bilateral foot surgery so it would take longer, but still). I thought we would have to stay until those were done or the first of our late shifts came in. I was shocked and so happy. I came home and got straight in bed. Mike didn't let me sleep very late though. He kept pestering me. I don't sleep like he does where you can wake him up and gain useful information and he is virtually none the wiser. He hardly ever remembers when I wake him up. I, on the other hand, have a difficult time going back to sleep and he kept waking me up to tell me what he was going to do.
I love Mike dearly and he did something very nice for me today in a sad way. He bought me a pair of not so ugly sunglasses to wear over my glasses since I can't wear my contacts. I didn't want "old lady sunglasses" but I do know that I can hardly see at all right now with sunlight. I can't focus either of my eyes and they both start watering. It is awful because I leave work at about 1500. He took me to the eye doctor's office and spent way too much money on the least ugly pair we could find. I just keep hoping it will suddenly be all better.
Anyway, like I said, I love him dearly, but he drives me nuts when he is home too long. With his vacation starting I am not exactly looking forward to it. He gets cranky for being home too long. He loses his pace about trying to get anything accomplished and every single day I come home and my house is a disaster. That is the thing that bothers me the most. I come home and it looks like a tornado has hit when it wasn't like that when I left. I am usually still walking in the door when he asks me about what my plans for dinner are. Well, first thing, let get in the house and second it seldom even 1600! What he does is sleep in and then eat a very late breakfast or just lunch and he gets hungry early. Oh well, I still love him and am glad to have him around. I just know I am going to be tired by the end of his vacation.
I laid there and my face spasmed and twitched and pulled. I was having so much trouble by the end of the night with my eye I knew that no matter what I needed to just close it for awhile. That is pretty much what I did. I got maybe 10 minutes of sleep and because of all the spasming and then I got up and let Mike sleep and took the dogs for their morning walks. I had forgotten to fill the blanket warmer before I left and I was feeling very bad about that so I had to get to the hospital and fill the warmer so we weren't behind from the very get go. For the first time ever they let me go almost immediately. I couldn't believe it. I was in a short room with two cases (one patient however was having a bilateral foot surgery so it would take longer, but still). I thought we would have to stay until those were done or the first of our late shifts came in. I was shocked and so happy. I came home and got straight in bed. Mike didn't let me sleep very late though. He kept pestering me. I don't sleep like he does where you can wake him up and gain useful information and he is virtually none the wiser. He hardly ever remembers when I wake him up. I, on the other hand, have a difficult time going back to sleep and he kept waking me up to tell me what he was going to do.
I love Mike dearly and he did something very nice for me today in a sad way. He bought me a pair of not so ugly sunglasses to wear over my glasses since I can't wear my contacts. I didn't want "old lady sunglasses" but I do know that I can hardly see at all right now with sunlight. I can't focus either of my eyes and they both start watering. It is awful because I leave work at about 1500. He took me to the eye doctor's office and spent way too much money on the least ugly pair we could find. I just keep hoping it will suddenly be all better.
Anyway, like I said, I love him dearly, but he drives me nuts when he is home too long. With his vacation starting I am not exactly looking forward to it. He gets cranky for being home too long. He loses his pace about trying to get anything accomplished and every single day I come home and my house is a disaster. That is the thing that bothers me the most. I come home and it looks like a tornado has hit when it wasn't like that when I left. I am usually still walking in the door when he asks me about what my plans for dinner are. Well, first thing, let get in the house and second it seldom even 1600! What he does is sleep in and then eat a very late breakfast or just lunch and he gets hungry early. Oh well, I still love him and am glad to have him around. I just know I am going to be tired by the end of his vacation.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
He's QUALIFIED!!!
My husband is finished. His manager said he didn't need to do another run after the run they did today and he is FINALLY finished. He got away with one round trip short of his eighty round trips. I am so relieved and so is he. This is finally over. Now we can move, and face whatever they toss at us now. We know that after his vacation Mike will have to be gone for about two weeks and that sucks but we can handle that. I have always liked having my space when he is gone, but I am starting to miss him more and more. I think it is because I haven't been doing as much and need his help more.
My face hurt something awful today. I got to leave work early to go to my acupuncture appointment and 1330. By that time I felt like my whole left cheek and forehead was going to explode. My jaw was hurting and causing pain to go down my neck. The adjustment and the acupuncture did seem to help. A number of people have told me how wonderful it is and how it doesn't hurt. Well, I wouldn't say it didn't hurt. I don't know how many needles most treatments require but I had fourteen. The ones in my arms were fine and were actually numb when they pulled them out. The one in the top of my head now feels bruised. The ones in my ears and neck weren't too bad, but the ones on my face hurt. The two in my forehead hurt the whole time they were in there and then didn't want to pull out. I know the muscles in my forehead were really sore before going into it so I'm sure that didn't help. I don't know how it is supposed to feel, but it felt weird. I had like spasms in my face for awhile until it calmed down and then much of the pain was in fact better. He did adjust my neck and that did make me feel better too. He said that he has treated a number of people with Bell's Palsy and they do get better faster. I hope so. I don't know how many times I will have to go and if my insurance will cover any of this. At this point I don't really care. I can put up with my face feeling like a dart board and then paying for it if it helps. My eye really started having problems today and I don't know how I can make it at work if it doesn't start to get better soon.
I laid there and tried to relax as I had these needles in me and Tiger kept kicking the heck out of me. He did that last night too as I was trying to go to sleep. I had terrible heartburn like pain from the prednisone and I couldn't sleep. He just kept womping me. So I laid in bed and talked to him for awhile. Last week I really started to notice a change in the movements that I feel. The bangs have become much more forceful and kind of funny. Sometimes it is like I can feel fluid sloshing around that little appendage that smacked me. I feel almost all of the whacks along my left side. I had to sit at a pointless work meeting tonight and Tiger poked at something almost the entire hour and a half. It makes me feel better to feel him moving so much and more often. At my last appointment they said it would still be at least another two to three weeks before my feeling his movements would be really regular and measurable. I just didn't know at what point I should be concerned about not feeling him more for a length of time. I just knew we weren't there yet and I needed to know when I had permission to worry about something new.
I have to try to go to bed soon. I have my first day of call since before my surgery tomorrow and my room for the day is HORRIBLE. I don't know why my charge nurse does that. She is being all nice to me right now because I have this ailment. When you have some major crisis in your life and she can swoop in and seem like she is saving you, things are fine. I have to not be able to move half my face for my supervisor to me decent to me???
My face hurt something awful today. I got to leave work early to go to my acupuncture appointment and 1330. By that time I felt like my whole left cheek and forehead was going to explode. My jaw was hurting and causing pain to go down my neck. The adjustment and the acupuncture did seem to help. A number of people have told me how wonderful it is and how it doesn't hurt. Well, I wouldn't say it didn't hurt. I don't know how many needles most treatments require but I had fourteen. The ones in my arms were fine and were actually numb when they pulled them out. The one in the top of my head now feels bruised. The ones in my ears and neck weren't too bad, but the ones on my face hurt. The two in my forehead hurt the whole time they were in there and then didn't want to pull out. I know the muscles in my forehead were really sore before going into it so I'm sure that didn't help. I don't know how it is supposed to feel, but it felt weird. I had like spasms in my face for awhile until it calmed down and then much of the pain was in fact better. He did adjust my neck and that did make me feel better too. He said that he has treated a number of people with Bell's Palsy and they do get better faster. I hope so. I don't know how many times I will have to go and if my insurance will cover any of this. At this point I don't really care. I can put up with my face feeling like a dart board and then paying for it if it helps. My eye really started having problems today and I don't know how I can make it at work if it doesn't start to get better soon.
I laid there and tried to relax as I had these needles in me and Tiger kept kicking the heck out of me. He did that last night too as I was trying to go to sleep. I had terrible heartburn like pain from the prednisone and I couldn't sleep. He just kept womping me. So I laid in bed and talked to him for awhile. Last week I really started to notice a change in the movements that I feel. The bangs have become much more forceful and kind of funny. Sometimes it is like I can feel fluid sloshing around that little appendage that smacked me. I feel almost all of the whacks along my left side. I had to sit at a pointless work meeting tonight and Tiger poked at something almost the entire hour and a half. It makes me feel better to feel him moving so much and more often. At my last appointment they said it would still be at least another two to three weeks before my feeling his movements would be really regular and measurable. I just didn't know at what point I should be concerned about not feeling him more for a length of time. I just knew we weren't there yet and I needed to know when I had permission to worry about something new.
I have to try to go to bed soon. I have my first day of call since before my surgery tomorrow and my room for the day is HORRIBLE. I don't know why my charge nurse does that. She is being all nice to me right now because I have this ailment. When you have some major crisis in your life and she can swoop in and seem like she is saving you, things are fine. I have to not be able to move half my face for my supervisor to me decent to me???
Monday, April 16, 2007
Today was hard, but I got through it. In operating rooms we have special air exchange systems. The pressure in the room is higher than that outside the room. You actually have a hard time opening the doors and hear wind around them. I say this because the air is very drying to everyone's eyes, but especially my impaired eye. It stung the whole day. I have to wear my glasses that I thought I was finally rid of and then a mask and your breath comes up into your eyes and adds to the problem. That was crappy but manageable.
The really shitty part was having to tell each and every person as I came along. We all know some people are just idiots and say the stupidest things to you. I got a lot of that today. I just wanted to use the intercom system and get it over with, but my speech isn't clear enough for the intercom. People don't seem to understand that I just want to be left alone and that it is not only difficult but painful for me to speak.
I got a terrible start when I came home from work today. Molly greeted me at the door. One of the last things I am supposed to do in the mornings before I leave is close the door on her kennel. She knows she has to go in there during the day so she just goes and gets into it as I am finishing getting ready. This is the third time I have forgotten to close her in, in the last two or so months. However, this is the first time she went nine hours unattended in the house. Mike was in bed sleeping the first time and caught it withing a couple of hours and the second time was the day I had surgery. When Mike found her she had only been out for about 4 hours. I feel like a bad mom. She was almost panicked when I opened the door. It was like she was worried that something had happened to me since I didn't take care of her. I couldn't find that she had any accidents anywhere. She probably just slept the whole day, but I still can't believe it. She has calmed down so much and is a much better behaved dog than she used to be. But, she still gets naughty when she gets bored. I couldn't find that she had chewed anything up but I was mostly looking at the big things like the couch.
I told her I would take her on a longer walk since she had been such a good girl. She acted like she was proud of herself. We went too far though and it just about did me in. I have only been taking her about a mile lately (that is after I worked up to it after surgery). I know she needs to and wants to go farther. We went a little over two miles though and I was trying to convince her that I could just ride on her back the last four blocks. She wasn't going for it though.
Mike is out right now and has made it off the train. He is now supposed to have a trip home and one more round trip. I am so excited I can hardly wait. There is a glitch, of course. He didn't fully explain to me about his "driving test." He told me his manager had to ride along and watch him and so forth, but implied that it was for ONE trip ONE way. That isn't true he now says. If his manager had ridden with him a couple of times early that would be the case and he would just have ONE official run. What he has to do now is have the manager ride one time when the train is empty and two times when the train is full. CRAP!!!! He got the one empty done on his last trip, but couldn't get reach the manager to ride home with them like he was supposed to. Mike tried to call him today and let him know he was going up but couldn't reach him again. So if he can't get the manager to ride home with him tomorrow and then the very next trip he has to KEEP GOING. Not good. His assigned vacation starts a week from today. If he is "qualified" by the time he goes on vacation for two weeks then he doesn't get the level of pay he earned for the vacation. That doesn't sound right. This is his vacation he earned as a conductor so he should be paid his conductor rate for vacation. Until he passes that last driving trip he is still a fireman (otherwise known as engineer in training). So the crazy, half facially paralyzed, hormonal, pregnant wife may be hunting down this manager herself.
The really shitty part was having to tell each and every person as I came along. We all know some people are just idiots and say the stupidest things to you. I got a lot of that today. I just wanted to use the intercom system and get it over with, but my speech isn't clear enough for the intercom. People don't seem to understand that I just want to be left alone and that it is not only difficult but painful for me to speak.
I got a terrible start when I came home from work today. Molly greeted me at the door. One of the last things I am supposed to do in the mornings before I leave is close the door on her kennel. She knows she has to go in there during the day so she just goes and gets into it as I am finishing getting ready. This is the third time I have forgotten to close her in, in the last two or so months. However, this is the first time she went nine hours unattended in the house. Mike was in bed sleeping the first time and caught it withing a couple of hours and the second time was the day I had surgery. When Mike found her she had only been out for about 4 hours. I feel like a bad mom. She was almost panicked when I opened the door. It was like she was worried that something had happened to me since I didn't take care of her. I couldn't find that she had any accidents anywhere. She probably just slept the whole day, but I still can't believe it. She has calmed down so much and is a much better behaved dog than she used to be. But, she still gets naughty when she gets bored. I couldn't find that she had chewed anything up but I was mostly looking at the big things like the couch.
I told her I would take her on a longer walk since she had been such a good girl. She acted like she was proud of herself. We went too far though and it just about did me in. I have only been taking her about a mile lately (that is after I worked up to it after surgery). I know she needs to and wants to go farther. We went a little over two miles though and I was trying to convince her that I could just ride on her back the last four blocks. She wasn't going for it though.
Mike is out right now and has made it off the train. He is now supposed to have a trip home and one more round trip. I am so excited I can hardly wait. There is a glitch, of course. He didn't fully explain to me about his "driving test." He told me his manager had to ride along and watch him and so forth, but implied that it was for ONE trip ONE way. That isn't true he now says. If his manager had ridden with him a couple of times early that would be the case and he would just have ONE official run. What he has to do now is have the manager ride one time when the train is empty and two times when the train is full. CRAP!!!! He got the one empty done on his last trip, but couldn't get reach the manager to ride home with them like he was supposed to. Mike tried to call him today and let him know he was going up but couldn't reach him again. So if he can't get the manager to ride home with him tomorrow and then the very next trip he has to KEEP GOING. Not good. His assigned vacation starts a week from today. If he is "qualified" by the time he goes on vacation for two weeks then he doesn't get the level of pay he earned for the vacation. That doesn't sound right. This is his vacation he earned as a conductor so he should be paid his conductor rate for vacation. Until he passes that last driving trip he is still a fireman (otherwise known as engineer in training). So the crazy, half facially paralyzed, hormonal, pregnant wife may be hunting down this manager herself.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Be careful how you drink, or at least I have to
Unfortunately, I am somewhat superstitious so I don't really like Friday 13th. Obviously mine didn't go well. I have no control over the left side of my face now with two exceptions. As of this moment with a lot of effort, I can still blink my eye. I frequently have to help my eyelid with my finger so it closes all the way, but I have been able to open it without problem. I can still move my jaw. That I wasn't worried about because it is a different nerve. The blinking is just "lucky." Sometimes you don't lose complete control of that too.
This morning I was calm enough to look on the internet and I found out it is those damned cold sores that I have been cursed with. Not exactly, but it is usually Herpes Simplex 1 (which most of us have even though some of you out there are lucky enough not to get the cold sores) that is by far the most common culprit of this "problem" I now have. I called one of the ENTs I talked to yesterday. I felt a little bad about calling today, but she assured me that time is important now. I am not going to get quite as much of the medication as they usually give, but she said she would watch me closely for two weeks and if things don't get start improving quickly she can give me more according to the OB (the one I don't like is still on call, figures).
I got a massage this morning for my still sore neck. The massage therapist came in for me today. I had never even heard of her before yesterday. I thought that was very nice of her. I obviously told her that 1. that my doctor said I should get it done and 2. she asked who referred me and I told her another doctor. Sometimes, especially in smaller towns, that can really help you. My neck feels so much better. She is in a chiropractor's office (her ex husband!?!). He does a lot of acupuncture, which I had heard, but I also heard that it is VERY hard to get into their office. She really thought acupuncture would help me. I have never tried it but right now I would pretty much try anything. That sounds bad. I know many many people that are very firm believers in acupuncture. I have no experience, but am more than willing to try. It would make sense that it would help since this is a nerve problem. If there is anything I can do to help make sure I can smile by the time Tiger is born I will do it.
So now I am off to get my nice herpes medicine and steroids. I got some val.trex before my wedding last year so I wouldn't have a cold sore in all my wedding pictures. I was so embarrassed going to pick that up. At least they will see half my face doesn't move, besides, I don't suppose many ENTs prescribe for the genital variety.
This morning I was calm enough to look on the internet and I found out it is those damned cold sores that I have been cursed with. Not exactly, but it is usually Herpes Simplex 1 (which most of us have even though some of you out there are lucky enough not to get the cold sores) that is by far the most common culprit of this "problem" I now have. I called one of the ENTs I talked to yesterday. I felt a little bad about calling today, but she assured me that time is important now. I am not going to get quite as much of the medication as they usually give, but she said she would watch me closely for two weeks and if things don't get start improving quickly she can give me more according to the OB (the one I don't like is still on call, figures).
I got a massage this morning for my still sore neck. The massage therapist came in for me today. I had never even heard of her before yesterday. I thought that was very nice of her. I obviously told her that 1. that my doctor said I should get it done and 2. she asked who referred me and I told her another doctor. Sometimes, especially in smaller towns, that can really help you. My neck feels so much better. She is in a chiropractor's office (her ex husband!?!). He does a lot of acupuncture, which I had heard, but I also heard that it is VERY hard to get into their office. She really thought acupuncture would help me. I have never tried it but right now I would pretty much try anything. That sounds bad. I know many many people that are very firm believers in acupuncture. I have no experience, but am more than willing to try. It would make sense that it would help since this is a nerve problem. If there is anything I can do to help make sure I can smile by the time Tiger is born I will do it.
So now I am off to get my nice herpes medicine and steroids. I got some val.trex before my wedding last year so I wouldn't have a cold sore in all my wedding pictures. I was so embarrassed going to pick that up. At least they will see half my face doesn't move, besides, I don't suppose many ENTs prescribe for the genital variety.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Why???
This week has been hard. I have been really tired working my regular shifts again. I had to work three late shifts this week and that always wears me out. The week has been rough other than that. One of my friends and coworkers had a terrible thing happen in her family. Her brother-in-law committed suicide, sort of. He was found hanging in a garage. He was cut down and resuscitated (they got his heart beating and he was breathing), but then he had terrible swelling in his brain and he was declared brain dead. After much fighting and drama he was taken off life support and he died. I won't go into it, but he was seriously messed up and constantly in trouble. He has caused much division in his family because some people didn't want him to be apart of their lives, like his brother. He was 25, never married, and left behind four children (with three mothers). The youngest is about two weeks old now. My husband grew up with my friend's husband. They were good friends when they were little and grew apart as they got older. They both work at the same place and so forth. Their lives and their parents' lives have crossed for years. Everyone has really felt for them this week. I am planning on going to the funeral tomorrow even though my husband can't. I have talked on several occasions with mom and other brother.
Today I just keep crying. I feel very worn down and discouraged. I have spent this entire pregnancy waiting for whatever is next. I haven't been able to relax and enjoy. It just seems to be one thing after another and I just keep getting by. This week I have really been able to feel the baby move. It has been different than before. It doesn't feel like flutters but more like jabs and kicks. That makes me feel better. These movements are more often and last longer. I still only feel them when I sit down and am quiet or when I am trying to sleep.
And so the next thing... I had trouble sleeping last night. I went over to my friend's house last night and took her some food and stuff. Some how there are at least ten people staying at her house without her control, or her husband's. There were more than 20 people there when I showed up. It was just very weird. This family seems to be very weird. She and I definitely see this being the outsiders. Anyway, I had nightmares about staying at her house and trying to help her with all these people. I had to get up a couple of times to go to the bathroom, our phone rang at 0400 calling my husband to work, and I just couldn't get comfortable because I had a pain in my neck. I only got about three hours sleep, which doesn't help with the crying.
My neck still hurt when I got up, of course, and I had hoped the shower would help. I don't know how long I stood under there with the hot water on it. It really hurt. I went to work and went about my business with my crappy neck. We had an unscheduled break in our schedule and we had time to get some breakfast from the cafeteria. Today was one of the days I was really hungry so that was great. I got a big glass of juice and I was having problems drinking it. I couldn't seem to get my lips to work right to suck the straw. I looked in the mirror and did a little neuro exam. I stuck my tongue out nice and straight. I smiled at it felt a little funny. I raised my eyebrows with out difficulty. I smiled again and this time I showed my teeth. The muscles the left side of my face didn't lift like the right side. Crap. I set up for my next case and went looking for an ENT doctor that was working. I told her about my neck ache and my difficulty sucking a straw. She had me do the same exam. She said I probably have a virus and it is affecting my facial nerve. I said it couldn't be from sleeping wrong and she said now I have a virus and now I have to wait. I have to wait and see how bad it gets. I went to find her a while later in between cases and asked if this virus was something that could hurt the baby. She was with her partner, who happens to be her husband, and she talked over the problem with him. I had to make faces again and so on. She told me it won't affect the baby. They both agreed that I shouldn't receive any sort of treatment UNTIL/if the whole left side of my face is gone (neurologically speaking). Maybe this won't happen. How long will it take? Hours? Days? Weeks? What do I do then? Two days, call one of them, and then we will see IF I can take the medications because of the baby. What is it I would have to take and how long may I have this paralysis? An antiviral medication and high doses of steroids. Not everyone takes the medicine and it eventually gets better, USUALLY. I can expect, with the medication, it will take SIX WEEKS. I thank them and go have a break down. I couldn't reach my husband. I am still believing that I slept wrong.
I got myself back together and went back to the people I was working with. Ironically, I was taking out gallbladders with the surgeon that took mine out four weeks ago today. I bawled again, mind you there was someone else there actually doing my job. I am still supervising an orientee that is almost ready to be on her own. So she could what we were doing today without me. I am there just in case. So I had another melt down. Aside from the orientee, the other people in the room have children about my age so they were very parental. It is nice to have a some sane parental advice sometimes.
So now I wait. It has progressed so that I am having trouble now with my lower lip in addition to the upper. My forehead acts like it got some botox. It still moves a little on the left but not as much and is very heavy when I try to move it. Blinking my left eye is getting harder and harder. It still blinks, but the lower lid doesn't come up to meet the upper and my eye keeps getting dry, that is until I start crying again. I can still talk and close my mouth, but the center of my lips is pulling to the right. Everything feels normal to the touch. I just can't make them work right. It is like I have a freaking lot of Novocaine except the dentist hit more than just your mouth. My hearing keeps doing weird things and then gets normal again. Now I wait and cry.
How much can I put my poor baby through? I wanted to do everything right. I have wanted nothing more than this. But is he going to be okay? It isn't just one thing after another for my body but for his too. What is all of this doing to him? At least we are out of the first trimester, but surely his little body can only take so much and be okay, right? I am just so scared. How are you supposed to just sit and wait until half of your face doesn't work? Then what are you supposed to do for then next 6+ weeks. And then what? What will be the next fucking thing? Sure the vomiting and the gallbladder crap were because of being pregnant and I was able to handle that. Obviously I will have to handle this too, but why now? Why can't the little guy just get left alone to grow? Are they really sure that this virus affecting me neurologically won't affect him neurologically? The OB on call today is only person in my OB's office that I don't feel good about. I just don't know what to do at this point. I just want Tiger to be okay.
Today I just keep crying. I feel very worn down and discouraged. I have spent this entire pregnancy waiting for whatever is next. I haven't been able to relax and enjoy. It just seems to be one thing after another and I just keep getting by. This week I have really been able to feel the baby move. It has been different than before. It doesn't feel like flutters but more like jabs and kicks. That makes me feel better. These movements are more often and last longer. I still only feel them when I sit down and am quiet or when I am trying to sleep.
And so the next thing... I had trouble sleeping last night. I went over to my friend's house last night and took her some food and stuff. Some how there are at least ten people staying at her house without her control, or her husband's. There were more than 20 people there when I showed up. It was just very weird. This family seems to be very weird. She and I definitely see this being the outsiders. Anyway, I had nightmares about staying at her house and trying to help her with all these people. I had to get up a couple of times to go to the bathroom, our phone rang at 0400 calling my husband to work, and I just couldn't get comfortable because I had a pain in my neck. I only got about three hours sleep, which doesn't help with the crying.
My neck still hurt when I got up, of course, and I had hoped the shower would help. I don't know how long I stood under there with the hot water on it. It really hurt. I went to work and went about my business with my crappy neck. We had an unscheduled break in our schedule and we had time to get some breakfast from the cafeteria. Today was one of the days I was really hungry so that was great. I got a big glass of juice and I was having problems drinking it. I couldn't seem to get my lips to work right to suck the straw. I looked in the mirror and did a little neuro exam. I stuck my tongue out nice and straight. I smiled at it felt a little funny. I raised my eyebrows with out difficulty. I smiled again and this time I showed my teeth. The muscles the left side of my face didn't lift like the right side. Crap. I set up for my next case and went looking for an ENT doctor that was working. I told her about my neck ache and my difficulty sucking a straw. She had me do the same exam. She said I probably have a virus and it is affecting my facial nerve. I said it couldn't be from sleeping wrong and she said now I have a virus and now I have to wait. I have to wait and see how bad it gets. I went to find her a while later in between cases and asked if this virus was something that could hurt the baby. She was with her partner, who happens to be her husband, and she talked over the problem with him. I had to make faces again and so on. She told me it won't affect the baby. They both agreed that I shouldn't receive any sort of treatment UNTIL/if the whole left side of my face is gone (neurologically speaking). Maybe this won't happen. How long will it take? Hours? Days? Weeks? What do I do then? Two days, call one of them, and then we will see IF I can take the medications because of the baby. What is it I would have to take and how long may I have this paralysis? An antiviral medication and high doses of steroids. Not everyone takes the medicine and it eventually gets better, USUALLY. I can expect, with the medication, it will take SIX WEEKS. I thank them and go have a break down. I couldn't reach my husband. I am still believing that I slept wrong.
I got myself back together and went back to the people I was working with. Ironically, I was taking out gallbladders with the surgeon that took mine out four weeks ago today. I bawled again, mind you there was someone else there actually doing my job. I am still supervising an orientee that is almost ready to be on her own. So she could what we were doing today without me. I am there just in case. So I had another melt down. Aside from the orientee, the other people in the room have children about my age so they were very parental. It is nice to have a some sane parental advice sometimes.
So now I wait. It has progressed so that I am having trouble now with my lower lip in addition to the upper. My forehead acts like it got some botox. It still moves a little on the left but not as much and is very heavy when I try to move it. Blinking my left eye is getting harder and harder. It still blinks, but the lower lid doesn't come up to meet the upper and my eye keeps getting dry, that is until I start crying again. I can still talk and close my mouth, but the center of my lips is pulling to the right. Everything feels normal to the touch. I just can't make them work right. It is like I have a freaking lot of Novocaine except the dentist hit more than just your mouth. My hearing keeps doing weird things and then gets normal again. Now I wait and cry.
How much can I put my poor baby through? I wanted to do everything right. I have wanted nothing more than this. But is he going to be okay? It isn't just one thing after another for my body but for his too. What is all of this doing to him? At least we are out of the first trimester, but surely his little body can only take so much and be okay, right? I am just so scared. How are you supposed to just sit and wait until half of your face doesn't work? Then what are you supposed to do for then next 6+ weeks. And then what? What will be the next fucking thing? Sure the vomiting and the gallbladder crap were because of being pregnant and I was able to handle that. Obviously I will have to handle this too, but why now? Why can't the little guy just get left alone to grow? Are they really sure that this virus affecting me neurologically won't affect him neurologically? The OB on call today is only person in my OB's office that I don't feel good about. I just don't know what to do at this point. I just want Tiger to be okay.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
21w and the verdict is in
To many, my news may not be as exciting as "whose the daddy" results for the poor baby of An.na Ni.cole, but for us it was good. Our first picture here is of Tiger's giant foot and the heel of the other foot. That IS a big foot. The doctor's appointment went well. I officially gained 3 pounds since my last OB appointment. I didn't tell them that I had lost even more weight with and after surgery so unofficially I have gained six of the lost pounds.
I didn't feel good most of Sunday and then again pretty much all of today. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it out of the bathroom this morning in time to make it to work. I really hate getting sick now. I won't go into it, but it is so much worse than before surgery. Anyway, I have to get some prescription support hose. I haven't been able to find any maternity support hose. I found regular pantyhose on website, but not actual support hose. I have the veins of my father's family and that is not a good thing. I have tried wearing support hose before and it hasn't worked well. It is just kind of a given that nurses should wear support hose, but I have so much trouble with anything on my skin like that. Well, the veins now bulging in my lower legs are telling me that I am going to have to try and suck it up before they fall out.
I thought the NT scan was supposed to give us a long look at the baby, but that ultrasound was shorter than the one I had today. We looked at pretty much every system of the body in detail. She took lots of measurements and pictures for our chart. Most of the pictures we got were 3D and they didn't scan worth a crap. They look freaky as a matter of fact. Tige
r's arm and face were pushed up against the uterine wall and so there wasn't much fluid in front of the face to get very good images. We did however, get great views of the legs and some very good shots of our son's genitals since most of the amniotic fluid was down there. Here is a lovely view of my son's erect penis, looking from his feet up towards his head. His legs are obviously wide apart and he is frog legged. This was pretty much the first view the tech gave us so the suspense didn't kill us. I think my husband was a little disappointed the baby isn't a girl, but he is okay. He asked if she was sure and she said there was only one thing that this could possibly be. She took a lot of different pictures of the baby's heart and then went back again at the end and took more. I asked her if she was seeing something unusual or abnormal and she told me no, that they just take that many. I asked the doctor later when I saw him and he said everything was fine.
r's arm and face were pushed up against the uterine wall and so there wasn't much fluid in front of the face to get very good images. We did however, get great views of the legs and some very good shots of our son's genitals since most of the amniotic fluid was down there. Here is a lovely view of my son's erect penis, looking from his feet up towards his head. His legs are obviously wide apart and he is frog legged. This was pretty much the first view the tech gave us so the suspense didn't kill us. I think my husband was a little disappointed the baby isn't a girl, but he is okay. He asked if she was sure and she said there was only one thing that this could possibly be. She took a lot of different pictures of the baby's heart and then went back again at the end and took more. I asked her if she was seeing something unusual or abnormal and she told me no, that they just take that many. I asked the doctor later when I saw him and he said everything was fine. We called family and took the pictures over to show my inlaws. I think Grandpa was proud, but pretty much everyone else was disappointed. I know both of the Grandmas were wanting a girl. My sister has gotten rid of most of her stuff from her boys being babies, but she saved a few things for me. I would have bought a lot of things from her as she sold them if I had known when she was selling them. She had really nice things. I really liked their crib and changing table that she did get rid of. Oh well, where would I have stored it all. Besides, if I had bought all the clothes she has sold, I would have only had girls. So now we can start trying to pick a name and start looking for baby stuff!
Friday, April 06, 2007
More words? Too much time???
I can't believe the weather. I woke up yesterday to find everything, but the streets, covered in snow. I knew there was a chance of snow but it still surprised me. It snowed almost the entire day but the snow was all melted by the afternoon. I was surprised to wake up and find everything covered with snow again this morning. This time, however, the roads were all slick. I was glad that I left a little early today.
I bought some eggs to dye today when I was at the store. I don't know why, but I did. We dyed eggs at my inlaws last year. We were kind of forced too, but really we wanted too. My SIL is coming for the weekend. I don't know how the weather is along the mountains, but I would guess she is coming today. My mom is coming tomorrow so she can "to go to church" with me Sunday. She couldn't say she didn't want to spend Easter alone or ask if it was okay to come. This is funny to me because she acts like she needs an engraved invitation to make a visit to my sister's house, but just tells me. That is just my mom. I am ready for her to NOT come for a weekend. I sure hope she isn't coming next weekend as well. This weekend makes four in a row. I will have to mention gas prices if she says anything. She will probably bring it up herself to try and get me to give her some money for gas, since she came to help me the last three weekends. I did need it the one weekend, but I'd have been fine the others.
My FIL birthday is next week so we are celebrating it this weekend. I don't know when exactly. I suppose I need to find that out. I also need to go to home de.pot and get him something. My husband keeps bringing it up and mentioning how bad his paycheck was. I want to tell him needs to speak directly and not like my mother but instead I tell him mine was horrible too but what do you want and I will make it happen. (reminding myself that the training is almost over). I guess we know how much our income can be cut and still survive. I would bring that up with my working, but I know that we have to do better than surviving with the baby. We have got to get into a house. This one will be the death of us.
I noticed that half of the box of chocolate snack cookies was gone. I can't tell you the last time I bought those. I don't think Mike and I were even living together it has been so long. It is good to know there is something he likes, I just wish it was something healthier.
I have been working on these computer modules this week in the afternoons and evenings and I really should work on it now. It is the first time I have been able to do any work from home and that is nice. I don't have clue how anyone could work on this at the hospital. One of my coworkers complained because the first one took her 5 hours and she had to take the test twice. The damn material says it should take up to 25 hours!!! It is looking like it is going to take me longer than that. I have been taking a lot of notes and I write slowly. I can only work for about an hour at a time and then I have to get up because my back is killing me. I can work for about another hour and then I have to take a long walk and/or just be done. My mind however needs for me to hole myself in and work on this for 6 or more hours at a time. It is hard and important material and I do fine with it when I can just keep going. Darn this body! I am thinking that I am going to have to buy myself a big old swimming suit and try taking the mommy2B water class. I don't know if my lungs will be able to handle the indoor pool but my back says I have to try. I am going to call next week and see if they will let me pay for a couple of classes just to try. I'm sure they will. I am just hoping they are flexible with letting you come. They offer the class four nights a week and I am hoping if you pay for 2 they will let you come any of the four and not just specific nights since my work shifts vary. I will beg. That reminds me I need to call the minister and plead my case for daycare... I will have to do that next week to.
These snowflakes are nickel to quarter-sized and have been falling all day. There isn't anything on the ground now, but it has to start sticking again soon. My mom lives closer to the mountains, maybe there is too much snow for her to come. That isn't nice is it? I have to stop procrastinating and get to it I guess. Or I will be forced to go over to the inlaws and I think I would still rather sit in pain at the computer at home. Besides, I get paid for it. I like my SIL but she and my MIL are just driving my nuts right now. I know she really wants a baby and so I don't want to shove my belly in front of her. They just keep telling me all these stupid things and I don't want to hear them. I guess that was when I was still sick so I have some kind of association between them talking and me feeling like dying. (hoping for?) I have to be nice. Is there anything wrong with me just wanting to be left alone?
I bought some eggs to dye today when I was at the store. I don't know why, but I did. We dyed eggs at my inlaws last year. We were kind of forced too, but really we wanted too. My SIL is coming for the weekend. I don't know how the weather is along the mountains, but I would guess she is coming today. My mom is coming tomorrow so she can "to go to church" with me Sunday. She couldn't say she didn't want to spend Easter alone or ask if it was okay to come. This is funny to me because she acts like she needs an engraved invitation to make a visit to my sister's house, but just tells me. That is just my mom. I am ready for her to NOT come for a weekend. I sure hope she isn't coming next weekend as well. This weekend makes four in a row. I will have to mention gas prices if she says anything. She will probably bring it up herself to try and get me to give her some money for gas, since she came to help me the last three weekends. I did need it the one weekend, but I'd have been fine the others.
My FIL birthday is next week so we are celebrating it this weekend. I don't know when exactly. I suppose I need to find that out. I also need to go to home de.pot and get him something. My husband keeps bringing it up and mentioning how bad his paycheck was. I want to tell him needs to speak directly and not like my mother but instead I tell him mine was horrible too but what do you want and I will make it happen. (reminding myself that the training is almost over). I guess we know how much our income can be cut and still survive. I would bring that up with my working, but I know that we have to do better than surviving with the baby. We have got to get into a house. This one will be the death of us.
I noticed that half of the box of chocolate snack cookies was gone. I can't tell you the last time I bought those. I don't think Mike and I were even living together it has been so long. It is good to know there is something he likes, I just wish it was something healthier.
I have been working on these computer modules this week in the afternoons and evenings and I really should work on it now. It is the first time I have been able to do any work from home and that is nice. I don't have clue how anyone could work on this at the hospital. One of my coworkers complained because the first one took her 5 hours and she had to take the test twice. The damn material says it should take up to 25 hours!!! It is looking like it is going to take me longer than that. I have been taking a lot of notes and I write slowly. I can only work for about an hour at a time and then I have to get up because my back is killing me. I can work for about another hour and then I have to take a long walk and/or just be done. My mind however needs for me to hole myself in and work on this for 6 or more hours at a time. It is hard and important material and I do fine with it when I can just keep going. Darn this body! I am thinking that I am going to have to buy myself a big old swimming suit and try taking the mommy2B water class. I don't know if my lungs will be able to handle the indoor pool but my back says I have to try. I am going to call next week and see if they will let me pay for a couple of classes just to try. I'm sure they will. I am just hoping they are flexible with letting you come. They offer the class four nights a week and I am hoping if you pay for 2 they will let you come any of the four and not just specific nights since my work shifts vary. I will beg. That reminds me I need to call the minister and plead my case for daycare... I will have to do that next week to.
These snowflakes are nickel to quarter-sized and have been falling all day. There isn't anything on the ground now, but it has to start sticking again soon. My mom lives closer to the mountains, maybe there is too much snow for her to come. That isn't nice is it? I have to stop procrastinating and get to it I guess. Or I will be forced to go over to the inlaws and I think I would still rather sit in pain at the computer at home. Besides, I get paid for it. I like my SIL but she and my MIL are just driving my nuts right now. I know she really wants a baby and so I don't want to shove my belly in front of her. They just keep telling me all these stupid things and I don't want to hear them. I guess that was when I was still sick so I have some kind of association between them talking and me feeling like dying. (hoping for?) I have to be nice. Is there anything wrong with me just wanting to be left alone?
First week back, kind of
I made it through my first partial week back of work. I am terrified for next week. I stayed a little later today, almost until noon! I called my husband to see if he had gone to work yet and he was still home, but trying to sleep so I decided I would go run some dreaded errands before coming home.
I went to the store and that was exhausting. Everyone and their dog was there getting ready for Easter weekend. I was hungry but I didn't really want to eat. What I thought I wanted was one of Carol's smoothies. (not smart enough to create a link). She has talked about smoothies a bit and it has made me want them. So I went ingredient shopping. I have been able to eat just about anything now since my surgery, but I am still a little gun shy I guess. I get hungry more often but I tend to only eat lunch early and dinner late. Then I try to get in an afternoon snack. I don't eat a whole lot either but it is doing the trick because I am gaining weight now.
So I get up to the check out and I look into my cart. I was embarrassed. Apparently I was hungry for more that just a smoothie. I had everything there to try a few different flavors, but I also seemed to have a lot of chocolate. I had chocolate brownie bites with cream cheese frosting. I had chocolate cream filled pastry horns (I've never even had those before). I had two kinds of snack cookies (oatmeal with cream filling and chocolate with chocolate filling). I wasn't sure when all these items dove of the shelves into my cart. I chuckled to my self because it looked like a case of PMS to me and I suspect to the guy in line after me.
I walked in my door carrying groceries and found a grizzly bear sleeping in my living room instead of my husband. I, apparently, opened the door to loud and also hung my coat on the door knob too loudly. I calmly suggested the bear go climb in bed instead of the chair because he might sleep better. Then I was informed that I was mean and crabby and the bear would have to go to the bedroom to get any sleep. So I put my grocery away and was able to make my smoothie without disturbing the bear any further. Oh the smoothie was good! Some how, however, it appears that I may have sampled these items that dove into my cart while I was making my smoothie. I'm not sure how that happened or when. So I took my smoothie and then I got in the chair and covered up with the blanket left behind by the bear and I promptly passed out after I finished the smoothie.
The bear woke me up when he was heading to work. I had a lap full of cats at that time and I was all snuggly warm, but I wasn't crabby with him. He wanted know what was so disgusting looking in my glass and I told him I had made a smoothie. He acted like it was poison and kissed the top of my head for fear the fruit might kill him.
Occasionally, I am not reminded how much I love my husband. This wasn't that bad though. He doesn't wake up at all well. I am looking forward to this with the baby. He is stressed though because the engineer that has been training him took this trip up and back off so he is having to work with someone else he doesn't like. I was thinking when he left that I was sure glad I wouldn't be a fly on the wall. He was starting with such a positive outlook and all. He didn't want to take the trip either but he knew he had to so he could come to our ultrasound next week. He made the right choice, but someone is going to pay for it. He needs to be done with this training and on his own so badly. I think he and his trainer are ready for him to be done. The end is so close but he still has to make it to that finish line. He had to drive 80 round trips and he will be completing trips 73 and 74 with this. I just keep telling myself we are almost there! Almost to a regular pay check. He still has to do a "qualifying run" which is a driving test with his manager. My husband is not a good test taker when it is on paper, but he very good at demonstration tests. His manager, whom he just met, also seems to be fair and nice. Obviously, we all want someone qualified to be driving a train, but I think his manager will help him with his test anxiety. I have compromised people in my care everyday and I can handle that responsibility, but the responsibility of a giant coal train weighing more tons that imaginable (he knows how much every car on his train weighs) throttling forward as much as 60 miles an hour scares the pee out of me!
I went to the store and that was exhausting. Everyone and their dog was there getting ready for Easter weekend. I was hungry but I didn't really want to eat. What I thought I wanted was one of Carol's smoothies. (not smart enough to create a link). She has talked about smoothies a bit and it has made me want them. So I went ingredient shopping. I have been able to eat just about anything now since my surgery, but I am still a little gun shy I guess. I get hungry more often but I tend to only eat lunch early and dinner late. Then I try to get in an afternoon snack. I don't eat a whole lot either but it is doing the trick because I am gaining weight now.
So I get up to the check out and I look into my cart. I was embarrassed. Apparently I was hungry for more that just a smoothie. I had everything there to try a few different flavors, but I also seemed to have a lot of chocolate. I had chocolate brownie bites with cream cheese frosting. I had chocolate cream filled pastry horns (I've never even had those before). I had two kinds of snack cookies (oatmeal with cream filling and chocolate with chocolate filling). I wasn't sure when all these items dove of the shelves into my cart. I chuckled to my self because it looked like a case of PMS to me and I suspect to the guy in line after me.
I walked in my door carrying groceries and found a grizzly bear sleeping in my living room instead of my husband. I, apparently, opened the door to loud and also hung my coat on the door knob too loudly. I calmly suggested the bear go climb in bed instead of the chair because he might sleep better. Then I was informed that I was mean and crabby and the bear would have to go to the bedroom to get any sleep. So I put my grocery away and was able to make my smoothie without disturbing the bear any further. Oh the smoothie was good! Some how, however, it appears that I may have sampled these items that dove into my cart while I was making my smoothie. I'm not sure how that happened or when. So I took my smoothie and then I got in the chair and covered up with the blanket left behind by the bear and I promptly passed out after I finished the smoothie.
The bear woke me up when he was heading to work. I had a lap full of cats at that time and I was all snuggly warm, but I wasn't crabby with him. He wanted know what was so disgusting looking in my glass and I told him I had made a smoothie. He acted like it was poison and kissed the top of my head for fear the fruit might kill him.
Occasionally, I am not reminded how much I love my husband. This wasn't that bad though. He doesn't wake up at all well. I am looking forward to this with the baby. He is stressed though because the engineer that has been training him took this trip up and back off so he is having to work with someone else he doesn't like. I was thinking when he left that I was sure glad I wouldn't be a fly on the wall. He was starting with such a positive outlook and all. He didn't want to take the trip either but he knew he had to so he could come to our ultrasound next week. He made the right choice, but someone is going to pay for it. He needs to be done with this training and on his own so badly. I think he and his trainer are ready for him to be done. The end is so close but he still has to make it to that finish line. He had to drive 80 round trips and he will be completing trips 73 and 74 with this. I just keep telling myself we are almost there! Almost to a regular pay check. He still has to do a "qualifying run" which is a driving test with his manager. My husband is not a good test taker when it is on paper, but he very good at demonstration tests. His manager, whom he just met, also seems to be fair and nice. Obviously, we all want someone qualified to be driving a train, but I think his manager will help him with his test anxiety. I have compromised people in my care everyday and I can handle that responsibility, but the responsibility of a giant coal train weighing more tons that imaginable (he knows how much every car on his train weighs) throttling forward as much as 60 miles an hour scares the pee out of me!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
20 weeks
I can't believe I am at 20 weeks. Some it feels like it has been so much longer and then other times I just can't believe where the time has gone. I REALLY need to get to work on figuring out what it is we need for this little Tiger. I don't foresee getting out of this house so I need to work on getting it cleaned up, rooms moved around, so we have a place to put the baby. We are going to have to move our office into the basement and that is just going to kill me. I hate our basement. I avoid going down there at all costs. But better the computer down there than the baby and I doubt the two can share a room very well. That is going to mean that my husband is going to have to do some new wiring and he will be excited about that. Really, he will be.
My first day back was short and long. It was good to see most of the people that were there. My charge nurse wasn't there and that was really nice for my first day back. It is sad that everyone is in a better mood... I didn't even have the chance to talk to my director either so it was great. I didn't sort through any paper work, read any emails, or catch up on our daily reprimands. I thought I would try to make the first day pleasant. I figured there is always tomorrow.
I did come home and sit in the throne and I don't think I even saw half of my soap. I tried and dosed for the first 45 minutes and then I decided I had better eat something before I really feel asleep. I feel asleep with the plate on my lap. I slept for a couple of hours then. I am still tired. I was ready to come home after 2 hours but I want to save as much of my time as possible. I am now right on the edge as far as having enough hours to get paid for six weeks off when the baby comes. I know that when the time gets closer they will cut me back and I think then what they usually do to protect our hours is put us at part time instead of full. I don't know I haven't wanted to worry about it until we get there. I'm just trying to hoard my time until then.
My dogs weren't ready to go back to our routine. I think they kind of liked the new routine where they got to wake me up and start the day. I had to get each of them up and coerce them to go outside and take care of business. I think I had to drag each of them and they both gave me dirty looks! I was afraid getting up so early that I might get sick but I didn't. I didn't feel well and I had to stop and take deep breaths a couple of times, but I didn't throw up! I wonder how long it will take before I stop counting the days?
My first day back was short and long. It was good to see most of the people that were there. My charge nurse wasn't there and that was really nice for my first day back. It is sad that everyone is in a better mood... I didn't even have the chance to talk to my director either so it was great. I didn't sort through any paper work, read any emails, or catch up on our daily reprimands. I thought I would try to make the first day pleasant. I figured there is always tomorrow.
I did come home and sit in the throne and I don't think I even saw half of my soap. I tried and dosed for the first 45 minutes and then I decided I had better eat something before I really feel asleep. I feel asleep with the plate on my lap. I slept for a couple of hours then. I am still tired. I was ready to come home after 2 hours but I want to save as much of my time as possible. I am now right on the edge as far as having enough hours to get paid for six weeks off when the baby comes. I know that when the time gets closer they will cut me back and I think then what they usually do to protect our hours is put us at part time instead of full. I don't know I haven't wanted to worry about it until we get there. I'm just trying to hoard my time until then.
My dogs weren't ready to go back to our routine. I think they kind of liked the new routine where they got to wake me up and start the day. I had to get each of them up and coerce them to go outside and take care of business. I think I had to drag each of them and they both gave me dirty looks! I was afraid getting up so early that I might get sick but I didn't. I didn't feel well and I had to stop and take deep breaths a couple of times, but I didn't throw up! I wonder how long it will take before I stop counting the days?
Monday, April 02, 2007
7 Days!!
I am very pleased to say that I have not vomited in 7 days!! Who ever would have thought that would be something I would be celebrating? I am starting back to work tomorrow and I am scared. I keep having what could almost be considered anxiety attacks about it. I love the work I do. I love to the patients and most of the doctors. I am sad to say the number of coworkers I truly enjoy working with seems to be dwindling. I am not so much happy with how things are going with management. Having to deal with one person in particular is what has me so upset. It is amazing how difficult one person can make things. I just seem to have impaired coping at the moment. It has just been so nice to not have to deal with these issues.
My husband just got off the phone with his union rep and found out that raises have been negotiated. They don't know when they will go into effect, but it sounds like they have negotiated annual increases that are retroactive and continuing to next summer. They sound pretty good. Not good enough that I will get to quit, but maybe, just maybe, working part time might be a not so distant reality. I have some school debt that I feel like I have to get taken care of before I cut back too much on work, but that is getting better and better.
The rest of this week I am just going to do part days and I hope that works out. I still get tired awfully fast. I hope I am up to full days next week. My husband keeps being afraid that I am going to be put on bed rest and I don't know why. I keep asking him. Besides the rotten gallbladder and vomiting I haven't had trouble. I still have some cramping but no one seems to get to excited about that. I think he is just terrified of me if I have to go on bed rest.
I cleaned out my dresser and closet this weekend and then broke down and ordered a fortunes worth of maternity clothes. I figured I would have to return a bunch of it since I couldn't try it on, but I had to start somewhere. I don't need a lot of clothes but I certainly need some. I get up and go to work and change into scrubs and then change back into my clothes to come home. I can stand having to see the same few things over and over again if they fit. It did just dawn on me that I may have ordered all the pants too large. I ordered the same size I have bought in regular pants since I got pregnant not the same size I wore before. Oh well, I will have to wait and try them on. Crap! I was really looking forward to new pants. I suppose I can wait a little longer.
My husband just got off the phone with his union rep and found out that raises have been negotiated. They don't know when they will go into effect, but it sounds like they have negotiated annual increases that are retroactive and continuing to next summer. They sound pretty good. Not good enough that I will get to quit, but maybe, just maybe, working part time might be a not so distant reality. I have some school debt that I feel like I have to get taken care of before I cut back too much on work, but that is getting better and better.
The rest of this week I am just going to do part days and I hope that works out. I still get tired awfully fast. I hope I am up to full days next week. My husband keeps being afraid that I am going to be put on bed rest and I don't know why. I keep asking him. Besides the rotten gallbladder and vomiting I haven't had trouble. I still have some cramping but no one seems to get to excited about that. I think he is just terrified of me if I have to go on bed rest.
I cleaned out my dresser and closet this weekend and then broke down and ordered a fortunes worth of maternity clothes. I figured I would have to return a bunch of it since I couldn't try it on, but I had to start somewhere. I don't need a lot of clothes but I certainly need some. I get up and go to work and change into scrubs and then change back into my clothes to come home. I can stand having to see the same few things over and over again if they fit. It did just dawn on me that I may have ordered all the pants too large. I ordered the same size I have bought in regular pants since I got pregnant not the same size I wore before. Oh well, I will have to wait and try them on. Crap! I was really looking forward to new pants. I suppose I can wait a little longer.
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