Tomorrow is the the day I turn in my resignation. My boss was gone all of last week so that wasn't even an option. I am a freaking wreck. I really don't want to leave, but I don't want my job as it stands. I am very anxious to step out of my comfort zone, but this is my family we are talking about so I will do whatever I need to do. I've just been a mess today. Crying, at total crab, sick to my stomach, unable to complete just about everything I start. Mike is going to work sometime tonight so he wont even be home tomorrow night at all. I just feel like a deserter. I am afraid people won't ever talk to me again. I don't have that many good friends outside of work so that makes it kind of lonely. I know most of them will understand. I'm just not going to be able to see them that much. I mean, I know what it is like, they are always WORKING. On the rare occasion that we go out for a drink after work when we get out in a timely fashion, I won't be able to go because I will still be working. It just feels lonely already and I haven't told them yet.
Well, hopefully my nightmares that Jake is left trapped at daycare and I am trapped in surgery will stop. It is so horrible trying to figure out who is going to pick him up this day and that and who will be with us when I'm on call so we aren't alone. I've narrowly escaped having my name drawn to cover the day's call when the person that was supposed to be on call was home sick. I just can't do that. The day I got it Mike happened to be home and it worked out. It takes lots of planning for me to be on call.
I just wish I could bake up a storm right now or purge tons and tons of crap from my house. I do need to do that, but today isn't the day for either. Jake has been sick. Viral tonsillitis. He has been sick for several days. He has been so naughty when he feels okay and then he gets a high fever and just wants Mommy. He seems to be doing better today. His fever has been down. I hope the same is true for tomorrow because I have to go to work. I don't go to work until 11 anyway. Maybe if he has a fever in the morning I can give him Motrin and it will be down long enough to be in daycare before Grandma picks him up. I do have to go to a meeting at 6:30 and Jake has to go with me.
I can't even get my thoughts together! Thank goodness I wrote my resignation letter yesterday!!!!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
We made it
I only have a minute but everything was fine. Everything looked just like it was supposed to. They had no concern that there was anything at all abnormal looking with the baby. We are having another boy too! We only got a glimpse but we could see what we needed to see. I am off for a truly rare thing - a date with my husband to celebrate!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The offer is in
I finally was able to talk to this lady today. I was SHOCKED with what I heard. I never dreamed they could do so well. I didn't know what they could do, but I was expecting about $5 less an hour to be the offer. It wasn't. They offered me 12 cents less an hour than I currently make. TWELVE pennies. I'm glad she couldn't see my face and that I was sitting down. She told me that I wouldn't be eligible for any raises because they are offering the absolute max. I think that means I will get screwed out of the cost of living raise this year. When people get maxed they give it in a lump but since I will be "new" to the Physician's Clinic pay scale I won't get it. Oh well, next year if there are raises I will get it. I don't see them changing cap any time soon, but that's still okay. Raises have become very few and far between so I'm not really expecting the one they are promising us now anyway. Actually, it is technically more than my base salary because I have a 6% adjustment because of all the things I have done for our ladder. Of course there is call pay and the additional pay I get for overtime and for being a service coordinator. Anyway, there will still be a noticeable pay cut, but there won't be any call. There won't be any weekends. Mike won't have to stay home so I can work so that means he should be able to make a little more money (that means I will have to make him go to work when he doesn't want to). No holidays! (I can't complain much because I did only have one a year. Mine for 2010 is Christmas so I wouldn't have to work a single one this year). I never dreamed they could do so well. That makes me feel valued at least. They didn't like my lack of clinic experience but I do have experience that they are only going to find with a very few people in our area.
So it comes down to our appointment tomorrow. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine and then I will change jobs. The hours will be better on our family in the long run. It will be a change in the beginning but in the long run it will be better. I will be able to get kids off to school in the mornings most of the days and there are many after school options. Mike has pretty much told me I have to take it. He couldn't believe that I am waiting for the appointment. We have talked about this many times. I'm thinking he doesn't listen. Wait, that isn't anything new... I will have to buy all new clothes. I haven't had to buy scrubs since I was a student! I have never owned scrubs with any color. I have to find a stethoscope and I have to remember how to do blood pressures (okay, it isn't hard but I haven't done it for YEARS). I have to get a pocket drug book because I'm a little out of date on some of those things and lots of the drugs I will be encountering are relatively new. These are all things I can learn. This is do-able. But man, I will miss the people I love to work with. The problem is that I don't get to work with them anywhere near enough. I think I am going to get in touch with my friend that works there already. I have some questions about how somethings work. Like how do YOU make an appointment for yourself. I do have a few appointments coming up right? I just wonder how things work. I did find out that I may have to float some but my chances of that are supposedly rare because I will be a personal nurse and not on a "nursing team". Let me learn one job first please!
So it comes down to our appointment tomorrow. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine and then I will change jobs. The hours will be better on our family in the long run. It will be a change in the beginning but in the long run it will be better. I will be able to get kids off to school in the mornings most of the days and there are many after school options. Mike has pretty much told me I have to take it. He couldn't believe that I am waiting for the appointment. We have talked about this many times. I'm thinking he doesn't listen. Wait, that isn't anything new... I will have to buy all new clothes. I haven't had to buy scrubs since I was a student! I have never owned scrubs with any color. I have to find a stethoscope and I have to remember how to do blood pressures (okay, it isn't hard but I haven't done it for YEARS). I have to get a pocket drug book because I'm a little out of date on some of those things and lots of the drugs I will be encountering are relatively new. These are all things I can learn. This is do-able. But man, I will miss the people I love to work with. The problem is that I don't get to work with them anywhere near enough. I think I am going to get in touch with my friend that works there already. I have some questions about how somethings work. Like how do YOU make an appointment for yourself. I do have a few appointments coming up right? I just wonder how things work. I did find out that I may have to float some but my chances of that are supposedly rare because I will be a personal nurse and not on a "nursing team". Let me learn one job first please!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Torn
I applied for the different job right? It took a bit to hear back and the HR lady wanted to talk to me. She left a message to set up 'a time to talk.' I thought that meant an interview but apparently I was wrong. I talked to her. She talked to the doctor and called me back and told me they weren't interested in me at that moment. The doctor really wanted someone with experience with patients with chronic pain. I was a bit surprised but was totally fine with it. I figured that meant I was supposed to stay at my job. I don't have any experience working in a clinic and that only worries me a little. I am certain that is something I can learn. I do have lots of experience doing procedures (duh) which this doctor is supposed to do by the dozens. Whatever. I mean I was asked by the people that brought this doctor here to apply, but whatever. My friend that was the one that asked me of course asked me if I had had an interview yet. I told her, funny story, they told me they aren't interested in me and what this lady said. Her face turned beet red and she stormed off muttering under her breath. So I thought I might be getting another call. Several days went by and I thought okay whatever. Then a week, then two and I pretty much forgot and moved on.
So last Thursday I was on call and I thought nothing of it when my phone rang and it was the hospital number. I was attempting to unload Jake from the car as I answered the call. I was surprised when I was getting a call to see if I was still interested in the job and to set up an interview. They wanted to interview me the next day. I had an OB appointment the next day so that was not even close to a possibility. I'm trying to juggle Jake and dig around to find my next schedule for the next week. It felt so professional and all but I was exactly expecting the call so I wasn't prepared. We set up an interview for this past Monday. It was at 3:30 and I told her that there was a chance I wouldn't be able to get out of work in time. Thankfully I was able to. I was a nervous wreck. I had a bit of time after I got to building where the interview was held so I stopped and went to the bathroom. Of course I splashed water all over my shirt when I washed my hands! I got there and I waited and I waited. She had told me there would be a panel of four interviewing me so I made five resumes just in case (let me tell you that was a horrible feat in and of itself!). Of course there ended up being five women. I only knew one of them and thank goodness she at least was friendly. Our hospital, which apparently includes the clinic uses this interviewing method. I know it has a name but I couldn't tell you what it is. I have seen many many many of the questions myself. I have reviewed them on a committee and I took part in lots and lots of interviews when I was on the staffing committee. We however, rarely used them because my director didn't like them. The questions are kind of strange and sort of apply. I mean they are supposed to tell you how a person thinks but they aren't telling you about a person's skills related to the job. Whatever. I came up with an answer for everything. I didn't know how it went. Not as great as I might have liked. Each person got to ask me a series of questions so it was long. Then they ushered me out and made me sit while they talked about for a good twenty minutes. Talk about nerve wracking! Then a couple of them (the one that would be my boss who has to be close to 10 years younger than me and the HR person) took me to meet the doctor and to see the office. I actually hadn't ever been to the office because they moved not too long ago to have space for this doctor.
The doctor seemed very nice. The office surprised me a little. For some reason I assumed it had been remodeled before they moved in so I surprised to see how dated it is. This office has the two doctors that make the most money for the hospital in it. I just thought it would be a bit more. However, both of those doctors are hardly ever there because they are in the hospital doing procedures. They both have nurse practitioners that are crazy busy seeing the patients. I know both them pretty well. I have worked with one since I started in surgery. She was a scrub there going to school. I helped orient her for the brief time she had the same job I have. Then I continued to work with her until she took the job she has now. The other one I know pretty well and her nurse worked down with us too before she went to be her nurse. Of course, my friend is the neurosurgeon's nurse. So there would be lots of people that know me and I them so that would make things easier right?
I had a message last evening that they would like to talk to me about the job. I am really sad I missed the call. I have a lot to think about. I don't want to leave but my job is so stressful. Not that the new one wouldn't be. It presents its own problems or bag of worms. I have more questions for them now that I have had more time to think. I feel like I would be abandoning those I DO love and letting down the doctors I specialize with. Actually, I had a huge meltdown at my OB appointment that Friday and I talked about it with the doctor. He kept telling me that I need to what is best for me and my family, but then he brought up what about him a few times. Who would help him? I really and truly don't know. If it was their office the job was with I would be sprinting out, without looking back. Okay, maybe that isn't quite true, but close. My ideal job is to work for them. But anyway, I would miss them so much. Women's health is really what I want to do, not pain management. I'm sure I can do it but there will be a lot of learning for me. A lot. I have to answer patient calls right and I don't know what the answers are. That is probably the thing that concerns me the most.
Anyway, I wish I had gotten call because I don't know what they can offer me for income. Of course, that is big deal. The biggest deal and could in fact end this difficult decision for me right on the spot. If the job is a possibility, I can't make a decision until after my appointment Wednesday. Wednesday is our anatomy scan. If there is a problem, I won't go. I can't start a new job when I may need to take a leave of absence. We are living right now assuming the odds are not us, that our baby is fine. But, if it isn't... If the baby dies before delivery or at birth I am taking as much f***ing time off as I need. They can freaking fire me if they don't like it. If the baby has problems but they aren't severe enough to be fatal at birth I will probably have to take an extended leave to care for the baby until it does die. Or if the baby does have problems but is one of the rare few that live past one year, I will have to quit my job to care for my child. So more waiting, more thinking (things are worse at work than they have ever, ever been), and not a lot of sleeping.
So last Thursday I was on call and I thought nothing of it when my phone rang and it was the hospital number. I was attempting to unload Jake from the car as I answered the call. I was surprised when I was getting a call to see if I was still interested in the job and to set up an interview. They wanted to interview me the next day. I had an OB appointment the next day so that was not even close to a possibility. I'm trying to juggle Jake and dig around to find my next schedule for the next week. It felt so professional and all but I was exactly expecting the call so I wasn't prepared. We set up an interview for this past Monday. It was at 3:30 and I told her that there was a chance I wouldn't be able to get out of work in time. Thankfully I was able to. I was a nervous wreck. I had a bit of time after I got to building where the interview was held so I stopped and went to the bathroom. Of course I splashed water all over my shirt when I washed my hands! I got there and I waited and I waited. She had told me there would be a panel of four interviewing me so I made five resumes just in case (let me tell you that was a horrible feat in and of itself!). Of course there ended up being five women. I only knew one of them and thank goodness she at least was friendly. Our hospital, which apparently includes the clinic uses this interviewing method. I know it has a name but I couldn't tell you what it is. I have seen many many many of the questions myself. I have reviewed them on a committee and I took part in lots and lots of interviews when I was on the staffing committee. We however, rarely used them because my director didn't like them. The questions are kind of strange and sort of apply. I mean they are supposed to tell you how a person thinks but they aren't telling you about a person's skills related to the job. Whatever. I came up with an answer for everything. I didn't know how it went. Not as great as I might have liked. Each person got to ask me a series of questions so it was long. Then they ushered me out and made me sit while they talked about for a good twenty minutes. Talk about nerve wracking! Then a couple of them (the one that would be my boss who has to be close to 10 years younger than me and the HR person) took me to meet the doctor and to see the office. I actually hadn't ever been to the office because they moved not too long ago to have space for this doctor.
The doctor seemed very nice. The office surprised me a little. For some reason I assumed it had been remodeled before they moved in so I surprised to see how dated it is. This office has the two doctors that make the most money for the hospital in it. I just thought it would be a bit more. However, both of those doctors are hardly ever there because they are in the hospital doing procedures. They both have nurse practitioners that are crazy busy seeing the patients. I know both them pretty well. I have worked with one since I started in surgery. She was a scrub there going to school. I helped orient her for the brief time she had the same job I have. Then I continued to work with her until she took the job she has now. The other one I know pretty well and her nurse worked down with us too before she went to be her nurse. Of course, my friend is the neurosurgeon's nurse. So there would be lots of people that know me and I them so that would make things easier right?
I had a message last evening that they would like to talk to me about the job. I am really sad I missed the call. I have a lot to think about. I don't want to leave but my job is so stressful. Not that the new one wouldn't be. It presents its own problems or bag of worms. I have more questions for them now that I have had more time to think. I feel like I would be abandoning those I DO love and letting down the doctors I specialize with. Actually, I had a huge meltdown at my OB appointment that Friday and I talked about it with the doctor. He kept telling me that I need to what is best for me and my family, but then he brought up what about him a few times. Who would help him? I really and truly don't know. If it was their office the job was with I would be sprinting out, without looking back. Okay, maybe that isn't quite true, but close. My ideal job is to work for them. But anyway, I would miss them so much. Women's health is really what I want to do, not pain management. I'm sure I can do it but there will be a lot of learning for me. A lot. I have to answer patient calls right and I don't know what the answers are. That is probably the thing that concerns me the most.
Anyway, I wish I had gotten call because I don't know what they can offer me for income. Of course, that is big deal. The biggest deal and could in fact end this difficult decision for me right on the spot. If the job is a possibility, I can't make a decision until after my appointment Wednesday. Wednesday is our anatomy scan. If there is a problem, I won't go. I can't start a new job when I may need to take a leave of absence. We are living right now assuming the odds are not us, that our baby is fine. But, if it isn't... If the baby dies before delivery or at birth I am taking as much f***ing time off as I need. They can freaking fire me if they don't like it. If the baby has problems but they aren't severe enough to be fatal at birth I will probably have to take an extended leave to care for the baby until it does die. Or if the baby does have problems but is one of the rare few that live past one year, I will have to quit my job to care for my child. So more waiting, more thinking (things are worse at work than they have ever, ever been), and not a lot of sleeping.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Happy Easter
I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend. Ours wasn't too bad. Mike was home still on his vacation. It ends at midnight tonight and I am actually going to be sad. For the first time I am really sad that his vacation is coming to an end. It has been so nice having him home. I had part of a couple of days off to spend with him sort of. Mike got a lot done around here so that was nice.
We spent kind of a quiet weekend as a family. We didn't do a whole lot. Our Saturday got off to a rough start. I got up early so I could get Jake and myself ready to go to the dreaded store before the crowd got bad. Well after I finished emptying my stomach, I looked down at my leg and saw this huge lump. It wasn't there the day before. It's on my medial calf, just below my knee. It definitely was not there when I went to bed. It was the size of egg and firm. Well, crap. I went and woke Mike up and showed him. He FREAKED! I was pretty sure where I would end up but I didn't know where I should go first. So as experience has taught me, call the OB's office first. So I did. But I waited, and I waited. The first responder for the weekend was our midwife so I guessed it would be awhile because she was probably delivering a baby. That turned out to be true. She told me to go to the urgent care. I thought they opened at nine so I waited around forever before I went. That is when they open on weekdays. Turns out they were open at eight so I could have gone sooner. Oh well. So the doctor there takes one look at it and says I need to have an ultrasound of my leg right away. That was what I was expecting. I knew it wasn't a blood clot. I had figured out while I was waiting for the midwife to call that when I put my leg up the lump completely went away.
Thankfully, the vascular tech let me go to the surgeons' office and not the ED. That is what I was so not wanting to do. Everything in the Emergency Department takes so damn long. I didn't want to spend my whole day there. I called a friend to meet me at the office because I couldn't do it alone. The doctor was afraid it might be an aneurysm and I couldn't hear that by myself. So it took about an hour but within seconds we knew the problem. A vein in my leg gave out. The wall exploded, not ruptured, just ballooned to a ridiculous size. It measured a crazy amount when I was reclined so when I stand up and it bulges it is insanely huge. She mapped both my legs while we were there because I have to get this fixed as soon as I have the baby. She said I won't have to have the mapping done again so she might as well do the whole thing because I get charged for it. I have to wear crazy compression hose that I can get ordered on Monday. I may end up on bed rest because of this. AWESOME. Just what I need. I'm sixteen weeks tomorrow. Okay, this is more of the kind of thing I was expecting not getting crappy lab results. This sounds like how things go for me. I don't know if I have problems because I just waited too long or I was going to have problems no matter what and if I had been 8-10 years younger I simply couldn't have handled this. I don't know. It doesn't much matter now does it?
Well, once I got that all straightened away I was able to go shopping by myself. Thank goodness, because it took FOREVER. It was nuts there. Absolutely nuts! I thought I would never get out of there. I made it home in time to throw the groceries in the house and grab Jake to head out the door to make it to an egg hunt. I didn't think we would, but we made it with a few minutes to spare. It was hosted by a friend and there were about 30 kids so it was much safer than the crazy public ones or the one hosted by the hospital. Jake loved it. He got to see the Easter Bunny and he followed him around. He filled his little basket up and then he started filling a little girl from daycare's basket. It was fun. He was all about the candy and shoved it in his mouth as fast as he could. There were 1000 eggs so each kid did pretty well! It was great. The weather wasn't too bad. It was cool and the wind was horrible but Friday it snowed then rained so we weren't sure how it would be.
Today was pretty good. I managed to sleep too late to make it to church. Jake didn't see his basket until about nine so things were pretty quiet until then. He didn't even go after the candy for a long time. He got a new Toy.Story and Toy.Story.2 and that held his attention. Our Buzz was worn out from watching and skipped every time we played it. We never even owned the second one so that was completely new to him. He was so excited. Too soon he did have some candy and was bouncing off the walls! I couldn't get him to eat much food at all today. He did crash and nap. Then late grandma and grandpa stopped by and gave him more presents which included some chocolate. He was literally bouncing off the walls again. Thank you so much. They left us with a mess of a child but we recovered. We had dinner just the three of us. It was nice. I forgot we, we finally got to dye our eggs too. It was decent enough to do it outside today. We had planned to do it yesterday, but since our day got rearranged it didn't happen. It was so windy we might not have done it anyway. So there we go.
We spent kind of a quiet weekend as a family. We didn't do a whole lot. Our Saturday got off to a rough start. I got up early so I could get Jake and myself ready to go to the dreaded store before the crowd got bad. Well after I finished emptying my stomach, I looked down at my leg and saw this huge lump. It wasn't there the day before. It's on my medial calf, just below my knee. It definitely was not there when I went to bed. It was the size of egg and firm. Well, crap. I went and woke Mike up and showed him. He FREAKED! I was pretty sure where I would end up but I didn't know where I should go first. So as experience has taught me, call the OB's office first. So I did. But I waited, and I waited. The first responder for the weekend was our midwife so I guessed it would be awhile because she was probably delivering a baby. That turned out to be true. She told me to go to the urgent care. I thought they opened at nine so I waited around forever before I went. That is when they open on weekdays. Turns out they were open at eight so I could have gone sooner. Oh well. So the doctor there takes one look at it and says I need to have an ultrasound of my leg right away. That was what I was expecting. I knew it wasn't a blood clot. I had figured out while I was waiting for the midwife to call that when I put my leg up the lump completely went away.
Thankfully, the vascular tech let me go to the surgeons' office and not the ED. That is what I was so not wanting to do. Everything in the Emergency Department takes so damn long. I didn't want to spend my whole day there. I called a friend to meet me at the office because I couldn't do it alone. The doctor was afraid it might be an aneurysm and I couldn't hear that by myself. So it took about an hour but within seconds we knew the problem. A vein in my leg gave out. The wall exploded, not ruptured, just ballooned to a ridiculous size. It measured a crazy amount when I was reclined so when I stand up and it bulges it is insanely huge. She mapped both my legs while we were there because I have to get this fixed as soon as I have the baby. She said I won't have to have the mapping done again so she might as well do the whole thing because I get charged for it. I have to wear crazy compression hose that I can get ordered on Monday. I may end up on bed rest because of this. AWESOME. Just what I need. I'm sixteen weeks tomorrow. Okay, this is more of the kind of thing I was expecting not getting crappy lab results. This sounds like how things go for me. I don't know if I have problems because I just waited too long or I was going to have problems no matter what and if I had been 8-10 years younger I simply couldn't have handled this. I don't know. It doesn't much matter now does it?
Well, once I got that all straightened away I was able to go shopping by myself. Thank goodness, because it took FOREVER. It was nuts there. Absolutely nuts! I thought I would never get out of there. I made it home in time to throw the groceries in the house and grab Jake to head out the door to make it to an egg hunt. I didn't think we would, but we made it with a few minutes to spare. It was hosted by a friend and there were about 30 kids so it was much safer than the crazy public ones or the one hosted by the hospital. Jake loved it. He got to see the Easter Bunny and he followed him around. He filled his little basket up and then he started filling a little girl from daycare's basket. It was fun. He was all about the candy and shoved it in his mouth as fast as he could. There were 1000 eggs so each kid did pretty well! It was great. The weather wasn't too bad. It was cool and the wind was horrible but Friday it snowed then rained so we weren't sure how it would be.
Today was pretty good. I managed to sleep too late to make it to church. Jake didn't see his basket until about nine so things were pretty quiet until then. He didn't even go after the candy for a long time. He got a new Toy.Story and Toy.Story.2 and that held his attention. Our Buzz was worn out from watching and skipped every time we played it. We never even owned the second one so that was completely new to him. He was so excited. Too soon he did have some candy and was bouncing off the walls! I couldn't get him to eat much food at all today. He did crash and nap. Then late grandma and grandpa stopped by and gave him more presents which included some chocolate. He was literally bouncing off the walls again. Thank you so much. They left us with a mess of a child but we recovered. We had dinner just the three of us. It was nice. I forgot we, we finally got to dye our eggs too. It was decent enough to do it outside today. We had planned to do it yesterday, but since our day got rearranged it didn't happen. It was so windy we might not have done it anyway. So there we go.
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