Retreat

Fall is my favorite season. I like spring too, but fall is the best. I love the crispness in the air. I love the colors of the changing leaves. Yesterday, after I got off work, I was lucky enough to be able to go up to my church's camp at Chadron right on the State Park. Chadron is very beautiful, especially with the fall foliage. I went with two of my good friends and coworkers. We went last year too, but this year was so much better it is hard to compare the two.

The retreat is always organized by the women's group at church but they have a guest speaker sets up the program. As is true with most small towns, the majority of the women are older - mostly retired or housewives. Last year they were tickled to death to have us young girls there. This year a number of the women brought their daughters and daughters-in-law so that was great. I was still the only one under forty, but that was fine.

Our speaker was incredible. Her name is Joy Carol. She is an amazing woman that has had an unbelievable life. She told us that she had gone to high school with two of the women there and I couldn't believe it. I'm not saying that either of the other two women looked bad, but they look appropriate for their age. She was talking about knowing these women for fifty years. I thought I heard her wrong because she doesn't look fifty and that isn't because of any "facial rejuvination." This woman is 68 and looks and acts a good twenty years younger. She does have a tremendous amount of knowledge and experience. She grew up in Nebraska but has since lived all over the world. She lives in New York City now.

She has a book that is being release tomorrow called The Fabric of Friendship. It deals mostly with women and their relationships with other women. She is also a minister and she is preaching at a church in town tomorrow. I think I want to go and listen. I bought a book, but I think I would like to go get more to give to some of my friends/family.

I am so glad I was able to go to the retreat. I really needed to get out of town. It is also wonderful to get to know all these women better, especially away from home. The camp is so beautiful. I can't wait to send my kids there some day. I loved camp as a kid. There are a lot of good hiking trails. I climbed "The Mountain" at 0630 this morning in search of a signal on my cell phone. I just barely got one bar if I stood in one spot and leaned back and didn't move. I only had about five minutes of talk time though because my stupid battery drained from the phone changing to analog. I didn't take my charger. I only charge my phone about every five days with heavy use at home.

I am already looking forward to next year.

Are you CRAZY?!?

Mike got my car fixed and then changed the oil for me. I worked on making some tomato sauce out of the last of the garden tomatoes I was so nicely given this year. I LOVE pasta. I could eat pasta every day, or just about. Mike on the other hand doesn't have the same love. I say "let's have spaghetti for dinner" and that is a treat for me, but torture for Mike. I used to eat spaghetti once a week before Mike and I lived together and now if I have it once every three months that is a lot. So the point being, Mike came in the house after working on my car for hours and didn't want my pasta sauce so I said whatever you want.

We dropped off the car Mike's parents had so nicely let me borrow and then Mike and I went threw a drive through. This place was ridiculously busy and I wanted to get home for Grey's Anatomy, so I was a little pissy already. In the car ahead of us there was young woman and two kids. The boys were about 4 and 6 years old. The older one was sitting in the front seat and the younger one was behind mom in the back. Neither of these boys was restrained in anyway. Mom was on the phone the entire time. (Didn't even talk to the lady at the window). The boy in the back was hanging out the damn window! We were a pissed. The boy in the back was yelling at us as he was flopping out the window. I just can't believe people. It wasn't like she let the kids out of their seats, because they both should have been in booster seats in the back, since the line was so long. We watched her drive off with these kids roaming about. I won't even get into the traffic violations I witnessed. I can't relay how irritated we were with this situation. Mike was a fireman. He had to respond to car accidents. I take trauma call and have to come in and see what idiots can do to the human body. It is so frustrating because we desperately want our own child and here we see things like this. I had to put my window up as we waited because Mike kept directing comments to the car in front, especially after the boy in the back started yelling at us with his body out the window to mid abdomen. I did tell Mike he should call dispatch and he did, twice. I don't know if the police did anything (probably not) but we tried at least. Here we are without kids telling those with what to do. Whatever! Pull your head out of your ass, rip your phone away from your ear, and appropriately restrain everyone in the damn car. Are you crazy or just an idiot?

Gotta wheel?

Isn't it a little white trashy to have a car jacked up in front of your house? I think those cars usually have a bit more rust and have been or will never be paid for. The poor neighbors because the car is going to be there for a few days. The good news is... Mike got the hose off and it is not going to be as expensive as originally thought. The bad news, of course, the hose had to be ordered and won't be here until Thursday. That is fast though. In the mean time, what am I going to do??? I am on call tomorrow and well, I must have a car. We will see... I might be renting one. I am so glad Mike can do these things! I am supposed to head down to Albuquerque for the Fiesta in just a bit over a week. As long as everything is ship shape by then... I don't know how a household of more than one person can function with only one car. That certainly wouldn't work with our jobs!!

It could be worse...

Today wasn't a terrible day at work. I was supposed to have my annual evaluation but I couldn't get out of a room to do it. I had to stay late at work but it wasn't as late as I thought it was going to be. I am thinking both of these things are good, right. I went and bought some dog food and picked up a couple of toys for the puppy. I wanted to drop off a couple of disposable cameras that haven't been developed from the wedding yet. I went in and I came out and I was annoyed because someone had parked really close to me in a tight parking lot. I got in my car and pulled out and as I was straightening out I smelled this nasty chemical smell. Then I felt a jerk in the steering wheel. "Oh no!" I thought. I got out across the road to my next destination and looked under my car. There was something along these lines going on, only it was in a hissing stream. I said screw it to what I was doing on got in my car and drove home. I now have no power steering left and I am assuming that is all that is wrong. I come home to find my neighbors car in my driveway and my husband bent over it. He is being nice enough to replace the starter for the neighbor who is in his eighties. This makes me chuckle because I used to take a car I had to my neighbor's son-in-law's shop for repairs.

Anyway, I wait my turn. My husband gets a little mad at me. He knows I didn't do anything, but he knows it will be expensive and, most importantly, he doesn't like fixing power steering. Mike had to wash everything off because there was fluid everywhere under my hood. He had to put some fluid in to see what was going on. Fortunately, there is just a hole in a hose. It looks like it will cost close to $300 for just the hose, but Mike can fix it. He looked it up on the internet and it is going to be a big pain, but he can still fix it. Whatever it was he was looking at said it would take 3hrs. So if we had to pay for the hose, the hose markup, and labor this would kill me. But thank God I have Mike. Thank God he was home! This still sucks because I am supposed to drive to New Mexico in two weeks and there is still a chance things could be worse, but thank God I have Mike!

Just kill me now

Today is a gorgeous day. The sun is shining. There is just a slight breeze. It is probably around seventy degrees. Weather I just love. But I want to die. I have cramps so bad I can hardly walk. This is not usual for me. Thank goodness it is Sunday and I don't have to work. These have to be better by tomorrow. I can't miss work for cramps. There are just so many things I need and I want to do. I want to make some tomato sauce. I would like to go outside and get some fall clean-up yard work done. I feel like my body just keeps betraying me.

Sleep, no sleep

So Monday I couldn't wake up and now I can't sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't know why. I wasn't tired. I tried to go to sleep but it didn't happen. So I watched an E True Hollywood story on Carmen Electra. Then I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. Then I went to Walmart at 500am and then went and dropped some bills off. I came home and got some of the groceries in and had to take Sparky out for fear his crying would wake Mike. Hardly anything could wake Mike but Sparky screams! I finished getting the groceries in and put away and I took Molly out for a long walk. I don't remember what I did then, but I started cooking for Mike just in time for him to get up. He yelled at me, but I couldn't sleep! Was I supposed to keep him up with me? No.

I don't know what is going on with me. I have just been off this week. I thought maybe it was finally my turn to be pregnant, but that turned out to not be the case. It is a good thing I didn't have to work today. I am really tired now, but I tried to close my eyes and sleep did not come. I don't know. I don't have anything more on my mind now than I usually do. We will see I guess. I am going to visit my sister soon, but that is still a week and a half away. I don't know.

Oops!

Today I did something I have only done one other time. I didn't wake up to go to work. I was mortified. I am not replaceable in my job, there isn't someone to do it for me.

Saturday was my first day of work since being off to have wrist surgery. My shift started at 0630 and I didn't get out until almost 1900. We worked hard too. Some people seem to get easy Saturdays and weekends. Not my weekend team. We get the worst. Long hours and hard cases - bad cases. The cases weren't as bad as they could have been but it wore me out. This is the tenth month, since I have been keeping track, that we have had a hard weekend. I didn't get called back in and I was really relieved. Saturday was my mother-in-law's birthday so I went and at dinner with them when I did get off work. We went through wedding pictures since Mike's grandma was there. Mike was at work though. We had cake and ice cream and then I laid down on the couch and took a nap for about an hour. I got up, went home and took the dogs out and went to bed. Sparky made me get up about 0330 to take him out and then again at 0700. Then I toiled over staying up and going to church or going back to bed. I haven't been to church for awhile but I was still tired. Well, I went back to bed. I slept until almost noon! I couldn't believe it! I felt bad for poor Molly because she hadn't gone out since the night before.

So I tried to make up for lost time and get all my stuff done and went to bed by 2200. Sparky made me take him out at 0130 and again at 0500. I knew I shouldn't go back to sleep then but I figured I could get another 35 minutes sleep. I must have turned off my alarm because the next thing you know I was dreaming about being late for a class. I was trying to assemble a three tier cake, but some of my classmates were getting mad at me because I was going to be late. The next thing I know there is this noise and I am thinking "that doesn't sound like my alarm" That is because it was the phone and my charge nurse calling to see if I was coming to work. I made it to work in less than ten minutes. I felt so bad. Thank god my patient wasn't ready. Two of my friends had helped set up my room and I thought I had to run after the patient but thank goodness I didn't. My room ended up not starting until 0730, but it wasn't because of me. You have an awful day then. I was supposed to be on call to day but I gave it away. My arm is bothering me and I still feel two steps behind.

Roots or Wings

My husband and I had very different experiences growing-up. I was born in a small town in Iowa and my family actually lived in an even smaller town. I went to preschool there. Just after I turned five my mom, sister and I moved to a suburb of Iowa City. My parents had divorced and my mom wanted/needed to go to college. I went to kindergarten - third grade in an amazing elementary school. I was so fortunate to be able to have that experience. You wouldn't think of a town in Iowa as being very multinational but it is. I had kids from all over the world in my class. I got to learn so much and I didn't know that it was unusual until we moved to north central Iowa. Wow! That was a change. Most of the kids there were of Norwegian and Lutheran. Both of which I wasn't. I went to fourth and fifth grades there. It was different and I liked it. I was a novelty to them so that made me pretty interesting. It was the first time since I was five that I didn't have to share a bedroom with my sister, even though my room was a converted front porch that didn't have heat. It was a bigger deal to my sister because she is so much older than I. She has to share a bedroom with an elementary age sibling when she was in junior high and high school.

My mom changed jobs when I was in fifth grade, I think, and commuted across state lines to Minnesota. My sister graduated when I was in fifth grade so my mom wasn't going to relocate us then. The summer after fifth grade we moved to Minnesota, but it was only like a twenty mile move. My aunt, uncle, and cousins had just moved from this town. That made me sad because that was closest I have ever lived to any family in my life. That still rings true today. (my mom isn't much farther at about 30 miles). That was a great move and good timing. The elementary schools in that town all went from kindergarten to fifth grade and there was one separate school for sixth grade. So I was able to sneak in when everyone was coming together for the first time and lots of kids didn't know each other. You see, I was a very shy child and not good at these new situations. I didn't make friends quickly and I was generally a teacher's pet.

I had some issues with my family and the events thus far in my life and that made other things even harder for me. I didn't have two parents. We spent most of my life living at the poverty level. My mom went into social work so it wasn't the most lucrative of career choices, especially for a single parent. My dad always paid his child support but it wasn't as much as we needed.

Anyway, I loved the school there because there were so many opportunities. There were a lot of kids in my grade and I liked it. There were more people you could find that you fit with. The school could also offer more to the kids. I suppose some people may not think this is good, but they were able to separate kids more so that they were able to challenge students according to their needs. (that sounds very diplomatic). I guess I think it was good because I was one of the kids that was in the more advanced classes. Maybe the kids that were in less advanced classes (there I go again) didn't feel the same way.

So I went to sixth, seventh, and three-quarters of eighth grade there. My mom had decided that for her to get a better paying job she needed to go to graduate school. She had always wanted to move "out West" somewhere. She applied to a few different schools and we looked at some different states. She didn't get into one of the schools she had hoped to and hadn't heard from another yet. During this time, my mom was looking for jobs in Colorado. She got one at a nursing home in Greeley and we moved to Colorado. I wasn't happy. It was the first time I had moved during a school year and that is awful. I don't recommend it to anyone. It didn't help that this was just before my fourteenth birthday. I don't remember things being the most pleasant then.

Here we were in what was then a small town in Colorado. I did not feel welcome in that school. I had fit in so well in that other school and there were so many things to be involved in that I now didn't have. Wouldn't you know that a couple of weeks after we got there my mom got her acceptance to graduate school at CSU forwarded from our address in Minnesota. So she went to graduate school my freshmen and sophomore years of high school and then had trouble finding work. There were many people with similar education and more experience with not that many jobs. So great now she has even more debt from school and not a job to make up for it. She did a lot of things to try and make it, but when I was a senior she started looking for work back in Iowa. She found a job and moved in February of my senior year. I did not. I stayed and finished high school there. Then I went to Iowa for the summer and came back to Colorado for college. Well at least the first year. Since my mom had moved in February and my birthday wasn't until May, my residential status was legally in Iowa with my legal guardian. You see I didn't have my letter of acceptance until after my mom left. That sucked. So I got my freshman year of college as in-state tuition but not after that. In the mean time, my mom didn't like her job much there and wanted to be closer to me.

My mom found a job here in Scottsbluff and moved in November. In Nebraska you have to be 19 to be of legal age so I was able to establish redicency with her here. I made some plans and changed them and ended up living here ever since.

Mike had a totally different experience. He was born here. His parents still live at the same address where they brought him home from the hospital. He never had to change schools, which is good and bad. Mike did live on his own for awhile before he moved in with me, thank goodness. So I guess he has some pretty deep roots here.

I certainly didn't like how we moved when I was a kid. All that change! But I know things are different in other places. Every couple of years or maybe more, I feel restless and have the urge to spread my wings and fly away. I like cities. I don't like traffic, but I like the opportunities and the options. I like the competitiveness of employers. As a kid, I remember wanting to be like the kids that stayed in one place. I remember saying that was how I wanted my kids to grow up. I don't know now. I know that we aren't likely to move with the job Mike has now. I want to go back to Colorado, but Mike doesn't like all those people. I am just have a rough time right now. I really, really want to flap my wings right now.

Mike and My Cameras

I never know what I am going to find on a camera when it is about in the house. Mike gave me a pretty decent digital camera for Christmas a few years ago. I also have a regular camera I spent quite a lot on a number of years ago. It is one of those that you can change the size of the picture. I don't remember what it is called, but I have never been too impressed with it. Anyway, I also tend to have a disposable camera here and there that can be used when you don't want to risk the expensive one. Point being, there are multiple cameras in the house.

Mike likes to take self portraits. The better you can see up his nose the more proud he is of his pictures. With the digital camera this isn't such a big deal. I can view the pictures and erase at will. (I am holding some in reserve just in case I need some pictures for ... persausion someday). However, there have been times when I pick up pictures that have been developed and can't preview them before another person sees them. For example, I had a roll of film started in the camera
and I needed to take some pictures of people for a going-away album. A memory book where people could write a message under there picture kind of thing. I dropped the film off for one-hour developing and another person involved with the book picked the pictures up. Thank goodness these shots are taken of the shoulders and face, generally. I don't remember seeing one where Mike doesn't have a shirt on but... there could always be a first time. I just don't some poor other soul to find that picture first. (the poor people at Walgreens).

Mike's family has a photo tradition that I am affraid will be passed on to my children as well. I understand that Mike's grand father started it many many years ago. His grandfather passed away more than twenty

years ago, I believe, but the tradition thrives. I will confess, much to my own shame, that I too participate in family candids. The tradition is to flip the camera off in a not so obvious way. I disappointed my mother-in-law by participating in this. She took a picture of me with a cake at a bridal shower she and my sister-in-law hosted for me and I got the finger in the picture without her noticing. This is not how I was raised. Not at all. We all have a lot of censoring to do before anyone has a baby in this family! I have a fear that some of the people won't be willing to censor. Oh well, we aren't there yet.

Dreams

Is it our dreams are supposed to be windows into our souls? Maybe I have that wrong. I have been having the strangest dreams lately. I usually wake up remembering a little bit about a dream. Just little snatches. But I have been having the most bizarre, vivid dreams. I wake up remembering everything and often more than one dream. These dreams are bothering me. They are not nightmares. Sometimes there are people from work or my friends and family. Sometimes I don't know a soul there. Last night I remember two dreams and both of them bothered me. Each dream contained people I haven't seen in years and years. Some nights I read before I go to bed and other nights I don't. Reading always helps me relax so I can sleep. My mind is always going and I need that one thing to focus on to settle down. Maybe the book I am reading isn't the right one.

I don't know what dreams mean and how much I believe about that anyway. I have been told a variety of different things by people whose opinions (in general) count to me. I have been told by someone close that vivid dreams about people being injured should be looked into; that you should contact that person and check on them. I have also been told that nothing is as it appears. Everything means something else.

I don't know what to believe. I do know that I, like most people, am chronically stressed. I do know that I have a lot on my mind, but I am to the point that I am worried about what I will dream about each night. I am essentially afraid to go to sleep. But, I can't put it off much longer tonight.

My Furry Family

This is our new baby. It is Mike's dog, but I am the one home most of the time. I am proud though, Mike has gotten up early with the puppy the last two days. I have gotten up with him in the middle of the night, but who is keeping track. Mike had a difficult time picking a name for the little guy and decided on Sparkplug. I thought we should go with Sparkpug. Yes, I know I am the one that doesn't like puns. Come on! It seems appropriate. Anyway, he goes by Sparky and he is already spoiled rotten. He obviously sits on the furniture. He wants to be held when it is time to go to take a nap. He wants to go to sleep at night in the bed. He most certainly does not want to get in his kennel. He already likes to chew shoes, furniture, fingers, chins, toes, pillows, his leash and Molly's leash. This morning he pulled Molly's leash across the living room. Molly's leash is big and heavy! Molly wants to play with him so badly and she tries. There is about a 90-95 lb weight difference. (Molly hasn't been on a scale in awhile - what girl wants too!) Sparky ends up being a big slobbery mess after Molly gets done with him. Poor Molly though, this has meant more kennel

time and less play time. Sparky keeps trying to get in Molly's kennel and I was afraid of how she would react. She didn't do anything at all. One of Sparky's favorite toys is an old bone of Molly's that she loves to chew. She doesn't react to his dragging that around either. I am surprised how well they are doing. Molly even gave Sparky her ball (as seen above) to throw for her! I won't leave them alone in the same room though. Molly is just so big and what if he does something she doesn't like.

I can tell the cats feel like they have been violated yet again. Poor Lois has had a rough life. When he came to live with me it was his fourth move and home. He was used to being adored and spoiled as the lone cat. He had a large, disgusting collection of furry mice that he had to give up. He had to come into a house with two other cats. He and the old crusty one didn't hit it off well at all. But he took to the kitten I had only had for two weeks very well. Actually, I think he thought he was her mother. He let her comfort suck on him and he took care of her. He even eventually took care of crust old Schlockie. He raised another kitten after that. Poor Gwen couldn't adjust to moving to the house, getting Molly, and Mike moving in. She went to live with my mom.
Lois is such a sweet old man, but he sure has a naughty side when he thinks you aren't looking. (By the way, I did not name the male cat Lois. He came to me with that name). Lois will come up as close as he dare to Sparky to try and sniff him or figure what we have done now. Lois definitely likes to watch Sparky, especially when he sleeps. Sparky has gotten in a few good chases too.
Ophelia (aka Ophi) is doing a little better than I thought she would. She has pretty much taken up residence on a dining room chair. But that has been long before Sparky's time. She is already hiding from Molly and Mike. Before we moved to this house she was a much more social cat. She used to come out and great people. Now she only comes out when the dogs are in their kennels and I am alone. That makes me sad. I make sure we have good quality time everyday though. She knows that Sparky is too small to get up on the furniture and will get on the couch when she feels it is safe. She climbed up on me yesterday and it took her a second to realize that Sparky was sound asleep on my chest under one of her paws. My sweet Ophi.

We have a stray cat that adopted us. I suppose it has been two years ago so he probably isn't stray anymore. He isn't too sure of Sparky either. I call him Cat. I didn't know how long he would be around so I didn't want to get too attached to him. He is a pathetic cat. I would like to catch him and get him neutered. He will rub on my leg but he is still pretty wild. I tried to get a cat trap to catch him but I can't get one and get my cat back!

Patience

Patience is not something I was born with. It is not something I have acquired with age. If anything, the older I get the more my patience dwindles. Today is different though. I am excited and having to wait is killing me. I am going to pick up my husbands birthday present. It is a PUPPY!! Somehow, I manage to keep it a secret from him until his birthday. I'm not at keeping presents secrets. I don't like surprises. Sometimes you work really hard to get what you think is a the best gift that they won't know is coming only to find out it is a flop.

Patience, like everything else I have an issue with, is about lack of control. I guess I like to be in control. Is that a bad thing? There are so many variables in our lives. I guess what matters is how we deal with those variables. My husband and I have jobs where we are oncall. My hours are a more regular than his. I know I will work Monday through Friday and every fourth weekend. I know what time I will go to work each day, but I don't always know when I will leave. Then I take my turn at being oncall for emergencies and traumas, but it is scheduled so I know what days this will happen. My husband's work is different. He goes to work when he is called. He is on a train for usually 12 hours. He gets off the train in another state and gets his name put at the bottom of a list to come home. Then we wait and we wait. I understand that somewhere there is a guy that has a master plan of how the trains run (a schedule), but I don't see any rhyme or reason. Mike can sit on a train for 12 hours and only move 10miles. Once in a great, GREAT while he will make it home in 6 hours. Other times he will be stuck away for 24 hours. That is rare, but still I have to wait patiently at home.

Don't get me wrong, I like my alone time. I think it works for us - right now. A large reason that Mike and I made our commitment to each other legal is because we want to start a family. Like yesterday. That is a little difficult when Mike is gone 36 or more hours every time he goes to work. It decreases our odds. Patience, I must have patience. I have waited this long, right? Yeah, patience my ass. At least I have burned enough time that I only have to wait another hour for the puppy!!

Change

Change has always been very difficult for me. I like things to remain the same and predictable. I like status quo. Change frightens me. I do not view it as a challenge, as something to overcome or accomplish and rarely as progress. Change = stress. I loathe change.

There have been some pretty huge changes in my personal life lately. Tomorrow is my two month wedding anniversary. After nearly eight years, Mike and I got married. This was a change I actually wanted and am happy about. Life doesn't feel that different though. Not yet anyway. I hyphenated my last name. Mike tells me he is fine with that. Some how taking a completely different last name felt like I was giving up my entire life to up to now to become someone new. My life is evolving (that sounds so much better that "changing" doesn't it?). I can't believe what a hassle it is to get your name changed with everyone and everything. It just feeds my furry with change. The first copy I got of my marriage certificate is worn out from presenting it to everyone under the sun. I truly wonder how long it will take for this name-change to be finished.

Mike started training for a new job a couple of weeks after the wedding. His stress levels have increased greatly. I thought my stress levels would just drop off after the wedding, but I was so wrong. Now I too worry about the training. I am not worried about his being able to do the job, just getting us through the training.

Then there is my job... There is so much going on there I don't know what to say. I just want to pick myself up and set myself back down 6-8 months into the future. So many of us are burned out right now and yet more keeps being asked of us. More and more change! It is no wonder I feel like crap and can't sleep at night. Obviously, I don't have the best attitude at the moment. I feel like I need to put my finger on change "Pause" button or at least the "Slow" button on some aspect of my life and breath, deeply.

This is normal right?