Halloween is usually my favorite holiday. Fall is my favorite season and to me they go hand-in-hand. I have not bought even one pumpkin, or gourd, or piece of Indian corn. Not one and I usually have them all over. I did not put up one decoration. I did finally buy some candy this weekend (not that we usually get any trick-or-treaters at our house). I usually hide the candy from Mike until after Halloween but this year I didn't make it. I went to WalMart to grab a few things, came home, and got called to trauma-o-thon. I realized sometime around the 10th or 11th hour of surgery that I had left the bag with the candy on the counter. Mike did get home at about 0200 and I didn't get home until 0400. He didn't even notice! When I do hide candy or anything from him it is usually in plain site. I mean it isn't in a drawer or closet or the basement. I might hide something on an exposed shelf just not in the front. Back to Halloween... I don't know what is wrong with me this year. I have been working extra. My focus has been other places I guess. I don't know, but I am not going to decorate now.
I am miserable today. I have a stomach bug. I didn't feel great yesterday, but that was nothing compared to today. I went to work and decided before three hours was up that it wasn't happening. I was floating today so I could at least run to the bathroom prn, but I don't need to share with others. We aren't treated well when we are sick at my job. I know we have to have people to staff the rooms but if I am making others sick??? For being healthcare providers we aren't very understanding of illness. I am feeling a little better. I can almost standup straight. I have been drinking gingerale and had dry toast and have kept that down. I have been so cold though and I had a fever for awhile. I did sleep for about three hours and that was good. I had two blankets and two cats and I was still cold. I don't usually get cold.
Halloween is passing me by this year. It kind of feels like a friendship that has drifted apart. I have fond memories and a sadness. A wish that I could make things different... what a goof!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Babies
This handsome young lad is my nephew, Ben. He turned three this August and is on his way to preschool the day I left my sister's house. Ben looks a lot like his dad, but upon first glance looks the most like my family of my sister's sons. It is his coloring - the blue eyes and the light hair. He doesn't have the freckles yet, but I am sure they will come.That morning Benny came into the room I had been sleeping in while I was packing. It was, after all, his playroom. I was letting the air out the mattress I had slept on and he asked me why I was doing that. I told him I had to go home that day. He said that they blewed that up for me and I just got there. I told him that it had been almost a week and I had to go back to my house and my job. He asked me where I worked and I told him a hospital in Nebraska. He said he couldn't come visit until he grewed bid. I reminded him that he came and visited me in July. He told me I would be back to visit him on Thursday or Friday. I adore my nephews. I have really enjoyed them all at Ben's age. I just hope and pray that I will get to experience it first hand.
Right now I am one of those people that is obsessed with their pets. Our baby Sparky has grown so much. I bought a little stuffed pheasant and goose for the dogs. They had large ones but they were pretty pricey and I didn't know how the birds would go over. I was surprised how much the dogs liked them. Molly was especially in love with the little pheasant that could fit in her mouth. So I went back and bought a large one. Molly could care less, but Sparky loves it. He drags this thing around that is about as big as he is.
I just hope this isn't where it ends for us. I love my dogs dearly, but I want real babies. I talked to one of the doctors I work with last week and got some hormones. Taking them won't help me get pregnant, of course, but there is some concern that I may not have enough progesterone to support and maintain a pregnancy. That makes me feel a little better. Of course, I'm still not pregnant... yet
Progress
Progress is a touchy word with me. It depends on where 
it is being used as to how I feel about it. If I hear it at work then I know without a doubt the word is being substituted for "change." Now I have previously posted about feelings for "change." Progress at home is generally a good thing. That means something is being accomplished. Something is on the way to being finished, we hope. There have definitely been tasks in my house that have been started and not finished. I will not say that I am innocent here, but I feel most of the weight falls on my DH's shoulders. There are a few things in the basement that are still not painted. The office I am sitting in is in the "processes of being cleaned." I believe the "process" have taken six weeks or more. The garden is "being" cleaned up. The list goes on.
As I said, I am not guiltless here. There are clean clothes piled in a chair in the living room. (Please no one come to the door!) These clothes are infact Mike's and he could do something with them, but I did put them there. I am also working on organizing a room in the basement, or at least in my mind I am. There are the dishes in the kitchen that I am washing and about 2 dozen craft-like projects that I have started and not finished. I am, however, a multitasker as are most (or all) women.
Progress right now, is taking shape in our bathroom. Our house is old enough that a bathtub was put in but not a shower. Then later a wand was added to the spigot to make a shower. A water resistant board was put above the tile on the wall. That board is now rotting away. We both have allergies and I know there is mold living in there. We are ripping all that out and starting over. We are going to the studs and piping in a shower. It will be so nice for poor Mike. The shower isn't bad for me, but he is too tall. Plus we seem to get really sucky water pressure with the wands. So we are getting a new tub. There are almost fifty years of mineral deposits in the tube and I can hardly stick my feet in there with out being grossed out. (You would think my feet would be smoother with a built in pumice). We are getting new pipes for the drain!!! Mike already took down the nasty glass shower doors that I could never get clean. I have scrubbed the enamel off the tube and the finish off the shower doors. I seemed like I could never get all the mold out of the tracks in those stupid doors either.
The paint was literally peeling off the walls, or at least the outside layer of paint. There was this wallpaper border at the top that only the outside of the paper peeled off. So we have been scraping and sanding the walls. The wall behind our sink had been wallpapered years ago. (don't get me started on how evil I think wall paper is!!!!!) The paper had been painted over numerous times and was now all crackled. I thought the wall was falling apart. One day a piece dropped off and that is how we figured out that it was paper.
I came home to find that Mike had ripped out the carpet yesterday. I don't know what would posses a person to put carpet in a bathroom or a kitchen. My kitchen didn't have carpet and now the bathroom doesn't either. It will be a bit before I have tile on my floor, but it will be there! Carpet around a tub and a toilet! GROSS. I can't wait until the new tub goes in. I LOVE relaxing in a hot bath. I haven't been able to take a bath in almost 4 years. No wonder I am so uptight and cranky!
Let's just hope the progress continues!
it is being used as to how I feel about it. If I hear it at work then I know without a doubt the word is being substituted for "change." Now I have previously posted about feelings for "change." Progress at home is generally a good thing. That means something is being accomplished. Something is on the way to being finished, we hope. There have definitely been tasks in my house that have been started and not finished. I will not say that I am innocent here, but I feel most of the weight falls on my DH's shoulders. There are a few things in the basement that are still not painted. The office I am sitting in is in the "processes of being cleaned." I believe the "process" have taken six weeks or more. The garden is "being" cleaned up. The list goes on.
As I said, I am not guiltless here. There are clean clothes piled in a chair in the living room. (Please no one come to the door!) These clothes are infact Mike's and he could do something with them, but I did put them there. I am also working on organizing a room in the basement, or at least in my mind I am. There are the dishes in the kitchen that I am washing and about 2 dozen craft-like projects that I have started and not finished. I am, however, a multitasker as are most (or all) women.
Progress right now, is taking shape in our bathroom. Our house is old enough that a bathtub was put in but not a shower. Then later a wand was added to the spigot to make a shower. A water resistant board was put above the tile on the wall. That board is now rotting away. We both have allergies and I know there is mold living in there. We are ripping all that out and starting over. We are going to the studs and piping in a shower. It will be so nice for poor Mike. The shower isn't bad for me, but he is too tall. Plus we seem to get really sucky water pressure with the wands. So we are getting a new tub. There are almost fifty years of mineral deposits in the tube and I can hardly stick my feet in there with out being grossed out. (You would think my feet would be smoother with a built in pumice). We are getting new pipes for the drain!!! Mike already took down the nasty glass shower doors that I could never get clean. I have scrubbed the enamel off the tube and the finish off the shower doors. I seemed like I could never get all the mold out of the tracks in those stupid doors either.
The paint was literally peeling off the walls, or at least the outside layer of paint. There was this wallpaper border at the top that only the outside of the paper peeled off. So we have been scraping and sanding the walls. The wall behind our sink had been wallpapered years ago. (don't get me started on how evil I think wall paper is!!!!!) The paper had been painted over numerous times and was now all crackled. I thought the wall was falling apart. One day a piece dropped off and that is how we figured out that it was paper.
I came home to find that Mike had ripped out the carpet yesterday. I don't know what would posses a person to put carpet in a bathroom or a kitchen. My kitchen didn't have carpet and now the bathroom doesn't either. It will be a bit before I have tile on my floor, but it will be there! Carpet around a tub and a toilet! GROSS. I can't wait until the new tub goes in. I LOVE relaxing in a hot bath. I haven't been able to take a bath in almost 4 years. No wonder I am so uptight and cranky!
Let's just hope the progress continues!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Another let down
I didn't have high hope of conceiving this month, but it is still disappointing when you know for sure. My hormones are a mess too. My face breaks out horribly at ovulation and then it is just almost recovered and then it is time for my period. Then it almost gets healed and then it is time to ovulate and so you see my vicious cycle. I wanted so badly to be pregnant by the time I was 30. Then the date that ended up working for the wedding was after that, so I thought by Christmas. Well, that is coming rapidly and so I say before I turn 31. I don't know how to handle this. I keep wanting to talk over a few things with my doctor, but I can't ever seem to catch him. I don't seem to ever be allowed to work with him anymore or any of his partners to ask. For the love of Pete, I am supposed to work with them more than anyone else. I mean it is my job. I am so frustrated with work. I thought I was finally going to work with a gyn tomorrow and then the assignments were changed. I went to an empty room and sat and cried. I know my hormones are helping me deal with work and work isn't helping with the hormones.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Sparky the Super Cat
Our new dog meows like a cat. I mean he REALLY sounds like a cat. And he does this a lot. He is usually in his kennel when he does it. I don't know how he makes this sound or why, but he meows
Messed things up now
Today I have a migrane and still my ass is plunked in front of the damn computer. It started a couple of hours ago with seeing the lights. I guess they are "auras" or "halos." To me, it looks like I have been staring at fluorescent lights for awhile and then you look away or like a flash went off in your eyes. I don't always see the same thing in both eyes. Usually I don't and today there is something quivering in my left peripheral vision of my left eye. It got better, but it came back damn it. I took some migraine medicine right away but... I didn't even have pain in the beginning, now I do. I want to strangle people who say they never get headaches. I am oncall today so I can't take a narcotic and just go to sleep. Actually, I am going to lay down in a little bit and try to go to sleep. I am oncall until tomorrow at 0700 when I have to work an 8 hour shift and then I am oncall again Sunday starting at 0700 and not off until Monday morning at 0700 when I will be working another 8 hour shift. This is my long weekend and it sucks. Soon we will have another RN on our weekend though and I will only have Fri/Sun call every three months. That will be nice.
I am depressed today. That started before the headache but it sure hasn't helped. I love going to visit my nephews but it always hits me how much of their lives I miss. It sickens me to think that their neighbors probably spend more time with them in a year than I do. I only get to see them about twice a year. I guess I should feel fortunate because this is the third time I have seen them this year. It is hitting me harder now since I want my own baby so badly. I know at this moment I am over-reacting, but what if I can't ever get pregnant? I just think of all the events I missed out on for the boys. I have only been there for one birthday out of the three boys. I took care of the two older ones when my sister had Ben. I knew it was my last chance to be there for her so I was. It wasn't easy with my job though. I just want to be closer to them. I thought very hard about moving to Texas while they lived there. I am glad now I didn't since they moved after 9/11 when my BIL company shut down. I have pestered Mike about moving down there quite a bit, but with his job being so good here...
Great!!!! I just finished this post with about four more paragraphs and some pictures and I don't know what I pushed and it is freaking gone!! After much work I managed to recover this much. I bled my heart out. Well I guess my headache has just gotten the better of me...
I am depressed today. That started before the headache but it sure hasn't helped. I love going to visit my nephews but it always hits me how much of their lives I miss. It sickens me to think that their neighbors probably spend more time with them in a year than I do. I only get to see them about twice a year. I guess I should feel fortunate because this is the third time I have seen them this year. It is hitting me harder now since I want my own baby so badly. I know at this moment I am over-reacting, but what if I can't ever get pregnant? I just think of all the events I missed out on for the boys. I have only been there for one birthday out of the three boys. I took care of the two older ones when my sister had Ben. I knew it was my last chance to be there for her so I was. It wasn't easy with my job though. I just want to be closer to them. I thought very hard about moving to Texas while they lived there. I am glad now I didn't since they moved after 9/11 when my BIL company shut down. I have pestered Mike about moving down there quite a bit, but with his job being so good here...
Great!!!! I just finished this post with about four more paragraphs and some pictures and I don't know what I pushed and it is freaking gone!! After much work I managed to recover this much. I bled my heart out. Well I guess my headache has just gotten the better of me...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Road Trip
I love to go see my sister and her family. I like to get away from my life I guess, but I really like spending time with them. I have three nephews that seem to be aging faster than I do. Okay, that isn't true. I don't feel like I have aged until I see it in them. Sam is in third grade this year. It seems like just a 
couple of years ago he was the only one and therefore the most photographed child in the world. He is the one that looks most like my sister. (all the boys got their dad's head though, poor Sue) Ethan is in kindergarten this year and Ben has started his first of two (or three?) years of preschool.
I picked up my aunt at the airport and we drove through Colorado and into New Mexico. We ran into a fair amount of road construction which drives me nuts. I have a bit of a lead foot, but I won't speed in double fine areas. I just want to get where I am going. I can't relax and enjoy the trip (funny that describes me in so many different ways, hmm...)
I am so sad about my aunt and uncle getting a divorce. My uncle was supposed to walk me down the aisle, but with these circumstances that didn't happen. I love my aunt dearly and I love my uncle. They have been together all of my life. She will always be my blood, but it is hard for me too. My uncle has changed and isn't a very nice person any more. He went through some midlife crisis and flipped out. My sister and I tried to be cheerleaders for my aunt. Sometimes she isn't doing very well, as can be expected. I wanted to rip her phone out of her hand when she would call him. Those calls never turned out well, besides she didn't need to talk to him. We tried to tell her she shouldn't talk to him unless it is about business. We know that is hard though. Your partner becomes your bestfriend and then when you don't have your partner anymore... I learned that lesson in my youth and I know how hard it is. Who do you talk to?
I was extremely disappointed with my Balloon Fiesta experince this year. The balloons only went up twice when we were there. The first time was on Saturday when we had to wait in line for more than an hour to catch the bus to get to the park. It rained off and on while we waited in the line. We weren't sure if the balloons were even going to go up. This picture is just a small part of the line behind us. There were probably five hundred people ahead of us when we got in line and at least that many behind us when we got on the bus.
When we finally made it to the balloon park it was swamped. There were more people than I have ever seen (as one should guess from the bus line). At least half of the balloons were already up. We only got to see a few inflated and maybe ten take off near us. By the time we got there the wind was picking up so it was dangerous for the balloons to take off. We did see some inflate and deflate. There were so many people I was so affraid we were going to get seperated from a child. There weren't a lot of the balloons I really wanted to see there.
My poor brother-in-law had been away on business all week. He was supposed to come home Friday evening but he missed his flight and couldn't get back until Saturday morning and then he had to go to work for several hours. As soon as he could leave work, he and my sister went to Santa Fe to stay overnight. They don't have overnight sitters very often so they took advantage of it. That was fun with my nephews. My aunt had the good idea to get them these pictures and markers and the older two colored for HOURS! I got to color with them so it was fun. Saturday night and Sunday morning were the hardest for my aunt. I was a little frustrated some of the time because I would have liked a little more help, but we got a long. Sam is a lot of help about what to do and where to find things. He is old enough and young enough that he is pretty honest about things. I really had fun with the boys.
My poor BIL, he dropped my sister off on Sunday and had to go to work for hours. He had a project that needed to be reworked to be submitted on Tuesday morning. He went to work again before I got up on Monday and Tuesday. I saw the poor guy for about 30 minutes in the time I was there. I thinked it helped the kids though, because they were busy with us and didn't notice dad was gone so much.
We had planned to go see the balloons again Monday morning, but when I woke up at 0515 I could hear rain and wind so I just went back to sleep. Tuesday morning was beautiful, of course, because we were leaving. We stayed a little later than usual and saw the boys all off. These kids go to school late! They don't get on the bus until 0830 and they aren't the last pickup. Anyway, we were hugging goodbye and we
could hear a balloon VERY close. We saw it between to houses, two streets away! It landed in the last remaining open area less than a block from my sister's hous. We went over and talked to the guys. They were from England. We walk up and touch the balloons at the park but it is somehow different when they land next to your house. We could hear another balloon near by and turned around to see one graze my sister's roof and touch down in the street behind her yard. (that would be the frog balloon) More and more houses are being built around my sister's and that road is pretty busy. The balloon got back up and had to go about another mile to get a good landing spot. I was so glad we didn't get out early. I just love the balloons.
couple of years ago he was the only one and therefore the most photographed child in the world. He is the one that looks most like my sister. (all the boys got their dad's head though, poor Sue) Ethan is in kindergarten this year and Ben has started his first of two (or three?) years of preschool.I picked up my aunt at the airport and we drove through Colorado and into New Mexico. We ran into a fair amount of road construction which drives me nuts. I have a bit of a lead foot, but I won't speed in double fine areas. I just want to get where I am going. I can't relax and enjoy the trip (funny that describes me in so many different ways, hmm...)
I am so sad about my aunt and uncle getting a divorce. My uncle was supposed to walk me down the aisle, but with these circumstances that didn't happen. I love my aunt dearly and I love my uncle. They have been together all of my life. She will always be my blood, but it is hard for me too. My uncle has changed and isn't a very nice person any more. He went through some midlife crisis and flipped out. My sister and I tried to be cheerleaders for my aunt. Sometimes she isn't doing very well, as can be expected. I wanted to rip her phone out of her hand when she would call him. Those calls never turned out well, besides she didn't need to talk to him. We tried to tell her she shouldn't talk to him unless it is about business. We know that is hard though. Your partner becomes your bestfriend and then when you don't have your partner anymore... I learned that lesson in my youth and I know how hard it is. Who do you talk to?
I was extremely disappointed with my Balloon Fiesta experince this year. The balloons only went up twice when we were there. The first time was on Saturday when we had to wait in line for more than an hour to catch the bus to get to the park. It rained off and on while we waited in the line. We weren't sure if the balloons were even going to go up. This picture is just a small part of the line behind us. There were probably five hundred people ahead of us when we got in line and at least that many behind us when we got on the bus.
When we finally made it to the balloon park it was swamped. There were more people than I have ever seen (as one should guess from the bus line). At least half of the balloons were already up. We only got to see a few inflated and maybe ten take off near us. By the time we got there the wind was picking up so it was dangerous for the balloons to take off. We did see some inflate and deflate. There were so many people I was so affraid we were going to get seperated from a child. There weren't a lot of the balloons I really wanted to see there.My poor brother-in-law had been away on business all week. He was supposed to come home Friday evening but he missed his flight and couldn't get back until Saturday morning and then he had to go to work for several hours. As soon as he could leave work, he and my sister went to Santa Fe to stay overnight. They don't have overnight sitters very often so they took advantage of it. That was fun with my nephews. My aunt had the good idea to get them these pictures and markers and the older two colored for HOURS! I got to color with them so it was fun. Saturday night and Sunday morning were the hardest for my aunt. I was a little frustrated some of the time because I would have liked a little more help, but we got a long. Sam is a lot of help about what to do and where to find things. He is old enough and young enough that he is pretty honest about things. I really had fun with the boys.
My poor BIL, he dropped my sister off on Sunday and had to go to work for hours. He had a project that needed to be reworked to be submitted on Tuesday morning. He went to work again before I got up on Monday and Tuesday. I saw the poor guy for about 30 minutes in the time I was there. I thinked it helped the kids though, because they were busy with us and didn't notice dad was gone so much.
We had planned to go see the balloons again Monday morning, but when I woke up at 0515 I could hear rain and wind so I just went back to sleep. Tuesday morning was beautiful, of course, because we were leaving. We stayed a little later than usual and saw the boys all off. These kids go to school late! They don't get on the bus until 0830 and they aren't the last pickup. Anyway, we were hugging goodbye and we
could hear a balloon VERY close. We saw it between to houses, two streets away! It landed in the last remaining open area less than a block from my sister's hous. We went over and talked to the guys. They were from England. We walk up and touch the balloons at the park but it is somehow different when they land next to your house. We could hear another balloon near by and turned around to see one graze my sister's roof and touch down in the street behind her yard. (that would be the frog balloon) More and more houses are being built around my sister's and that road is pretty busy. The balloon got back up and had to go about another mile to get a good landing spot. I was so glad we didn't get out early. I just love the balloons.Tuesday, October 03, 2006
A Long Drive
I am going pick up my aunt at DIA tomorrow morning and drive to Albuquerque. I did this with her two years ago and it was great fun. This time, however, my aunt and uncle are getting a divorce. Their 30th anniversary was to be this January. Actually, their divorce won't be final by then. The whole situation is very odd and I don't understand it. I also don't want to hear about it for seven hours or however long it will take and then for the next week. I love my aunt dearly, but I am...apprehensive about the experience. I am greatly looking forward to the Balloon Fiesta. This will be the third time I have gone. I love it. One of these years I want to ride in a balloon.
Happy Birthday to my poor grandma. She was a very important person in my life. I am so sad to not be able to share things in my life with her. She is rotting away in a nursing home with terrible alzhimer's. She missed her entire retirement. She was going to travel with her sister after my grandpa passed away. She never got the opportunity. She is the third person in my family to have this disease. She was not a blood relative to the others. I am praying the vaccine that is on the horizon will be here soon...
Happy Birthday to my poor grandma. She was a very important person in my life. I am so sad to not be able to share things in my life with her. She is rotting away in a nursing home with terrible alzhimer's. She missed her entire retirement. She was going to travel with her sister after my grandpa passed away. She never got the opportunity. She is the third person in my family to have this disease. She was not a blood relative to the others. I am praying the vaccine that is on the horizon will be here soon...
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