Third trimester!

We have crossed over into the long wait until the end of our lives as we know it. I am scared and excited. I am worried about how much I want it to not be 12 weeks. Yet at the same time I know that Tiger and I really need 12 more weeks.

Lets take inventory.

* The only name my son has is Tiger. My husband still won't seriously talk about it. Okay, I guess I will name him then.

* I now sit in a room that is almost completely cleaned out of my things. (there are still a few like book shelf that I can't move, and two filing cabinets that again I can't move) Those items however, have been gone through and unnecessary items have been purged. Yet this room is still full of shit. I was aware before that most of it wasn't mine, now my husband is. He didn't believe me. I have almost emptied one of the ones in the basement and I have reorganized the other. I have quite a few boxes ready for a garage sale that my friends MIL is having this weekend. Now I just have to get the crap over there in the next two days around work and an appointment.

* I did get my husband to go with me and register at Tar.get yesterday. He goes a little nuts when he gets that gun in his hand. I was comparing two different products and when I turned around he had scanned like 20 things. How many bibs do we need?? Again when I was actually shopping for a curtain rod I heard the gun going off in the distance and he had a sheepish grin on his face. I had to do some deleting on line when I got home after that. He did come up with explanations as to how each of those items could be applied toward the baby. I thought it was pretty creative.

* I am still nauseated almost every damn morning. It is usually better by 8 or 9 on the mornings when I get up by 0530, but not always. I am still am vomiting 2-3 times a week. It is getting really hard to do. It is quite uncomfortable. I really hoped this would be gone but at some point it started getting worse again.

* I am currently undecided on what I am going to do about daycare. I'm not yet changing my plans. I tried to reach my friend last night to ask her the scoop but I couldn't reach her. I still have to find another provider anyway since we are on the waiting list. I have been asking around and have a few names of private providers right now to call. I am mixed about that.

* We still haven't purchased critical items like a car seat or crib, etc. Although we know when we are going to be ordering each of these items.

* I have only slight movements back in my face and it is still inconsistent. It is also very painful. I now get a lot of cramping and spasming. The muscles are extremely tight and it is now more difficult to talk than it was at first. Again, I am told that this is good muscle activity and I just have to wait. Yet all the doctors I work around and that take care of me seem disappointed that I haven't made more progress yet. At this point, I think I would rather have them all touch my belly than ask me to smile at them. I really hate flunking that test.

There is more, I'm sure but that is enough for now right?

Not so long weekend

Thank goodness I got the nice long weekend last weekend because this one won't be. I had a very long day a work today and they were still operating when I left. It was so nice to be able to leave though. I have to work Monday too, but at least then I don't have to eat into my pto's. I just dread what we might have to do...

Less than 90 days! I can't believe I am moving into the third trimester this week. Holy crap do we have a lot to do! The patio furniture I got for Mother's Day has been great because my husband and I will sit out there and talk when it is nice. That means there is no damned television to contend with and we actually communicate. He let me in on his plans for getting things accomplished and it helped me feel better. We also have talked about how we are hoping to work things out as far as his work and having the baby. He is really concerned that I will go into labor when he is on a train, particularly worried that it will be on a train headed away from home. I, on the other hand, am thinking that I probably won't ever go into labor. I have been worried about PIH and preterm labor, but I think when it comes time there will be an induction in our future. I am hoping to convince my doctor of that when he is on call and I am in the 39 week. I worked with him this week and he is can really be a hoot. He said just wait until I am about 38 weeks. He said most of his patients come in loving him and leave hating him because they want to be induced then and he won't do it. I told him that I'm sure I will be feeling that way too since it will be stinking August, but at the same time I need to keep that little guy in there as long as I can to get into daycare.

Speaking of daycare, I heard a couple of unfavorable things about the one I am trying to get into. One of my coworkers wanted to inform me of a few things. Well, I am trying not to get too excited about it but I will have to into it farther. The phrase "consider the source" really comes into play here. However, one of the people she said had an issue is a friend and I am planning on calling her next week to get the scoop.

I'm not sure how to take this. I had a nurse from a sister department ask me this week if I was pregnant. She said "please don't take this the wrong way, but I heard a rumor that you are pregnant. Is that true?" Okay, I am a chubby girl and I do wear nothing but scrubs at work, but am I that fat that you can't clearly tell I am pregnant. I thought the giant boobs, the protruding belly, and the waddle gave it away. I came home and told my husband and he laughed!?! How could he turn that around? He said you would have to be blind not to tell I am pregnant, and that I look wonderful. He better say that hadn't he? A lady that works in the cafeteria was surprised today by my saying something about being pregnant. I have a shelf now where I can rest my tray! I am still about five pounds below where I started, but my tummy sticks out a lot farther or my arms are getting short. I have trouble reaching for things because my belly bumps into something in front of it. I can't judge spaces that I can fit through anymore either. I almost took out a tiny coworker yesterday because I thought I could walk through a passage and I was wrong. She apologized to me like she was in my way. No, no it was my boob and belly that got into her way.

Now on the other side of the coin, this week in particular, coworkers have been touching my belly. Why? Surprising to me, of the six people two of them were men! I wasn't too offended. Most of them were just pats and not rubs but still... I can't imagine just reaching over and patting some one's belly who is standing next to me.

Hmm...

I noticed something last week that is occurring more and more frequently. Something I am totally unaccustomed to. Positive male attention. Men are being unusually nice and helpful towards me. I mean going out of their way, inconveniencing themselves to help me. I'm not sure if I should be happy that they are being so nice to a pregnant woman or I should be mad that this is what it takes for them to be this way. I decided that I will take it for as long as it lasts. It is just not something I am used to. Kind of sad that we aren't nicer to each other all the time.

Where is the manual?

I want to know where the manual to my body is kept. My poor body has had many issues over the years that I have managed to deal with just fine, but now I need a little help. I want specific answers and there aren't any. I can handle just about anything but I just would like to know to prepare myself. I like to be prepared. I like having all my ducks in a row. I know there will always be curve balls in life, but if you prepared for most things you can adapt.

Pregnancy has certainly thrown me for a loop. I haven't been able to prepare for anything. My body keeps throwing me for loops. Now I am just trying to figure out some of the normal changes and I want a manual that will tell me specifically what to plan for. In the very beginning when my breasts were so sore they also ballooned a bit. I ordered some new bras that I wasn't all that impressed with. Well then as I kept losing weight because I was so sick my chest deflated a bit and I have been able to wear my normal bras. It has been apparent to my for some time that I had to get something larger. I have been jamming everything in there and hoping the straps hold for awhile now. I problem is I can't just run to the mall and try on some new ones. One we don't have much along the lines of selection for stores and two I was already at the cut off, for the most part, for what our local stores carry. I suspect the nasty bras in the boxes go larger, but I'm not looking and I would guess that if I could bring myself to bra shopping at Wal.mart they may have some. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with buying your bras there, but those in the larger sizes tend to feel like they are made of canvas or burlap. So thank goodness for the online shopping yet again. But I don't know what to buy. I don't know how big these things are going to get. I want the manual to tell me how large they are going to get so I don't spend a bunch of money now if I am going to keep changing. I am scared to think about what is going to happen when there is nursing involved!

So I have been a DD since right at my 18 birthday. Where is Op.rah when I need her! My bras seem to fit just fine around, right now. I just need larger cups. Or am I wrong? I don't know. Partly out of frustration and partly because I really like this one brand and style of bra that is all I wear. I ordered three bras last week. I got them all the same size around and one cup size larger. There were two different brands in the three bras I ordered. Each of the bras fit differently. I like one and the other bra of the same brand is too small! I don't get it. The third one has a funky back and silicone on the straps that I don't really like. I kept the bra I didn't like very well that I ordered last time and that was a waste so I think I will send this one back. But I don't know what to do. I need to have more than one bra that actually fits, but how long will I be able to wear it? I looked at many that cost more than the ones I ordered, but these still cost $35-40 a piece. I don't think that is unreasonable but I know many women that laugh at that because they can buy fashionable bras instead of industrial. I think I will order another one exactly like the one I like. I have always worn white because it is the closest to my pasty white skin and it wasn't available in white so you can see the tan through the white shirt I am wearing today. Oh well. The other thing is that the sizes confuse me. I was hoping to never go over a DD because after that I get lost. There are DDD, DDDD, E, EE, F, and so on? Aren't some of these the same? I don't know. I need a manual. These bras are scary! I can't believe how big the cups and wires are and then to put them on and they fit. I am officially afraid of my own breasts! I am afraid to see how big they will get and then because what goes up must come down, I am afraid to see what they will end up looking like. If the manual could only prepare me!

The things I worry about... at least nothing else on me has fallen apart... yet.

Another work week over!!

I woke my husband this morning with my retching. He hates it when I do that. How does he think I feel about it? At least it isn't every morning. He got mad because he could hear a dog on the floor in the bathroom. We want to keep them, more specifically their claws, off the new floor. I thought it better to have the dog in there with me than urinating on everything in the house while I couldn't do anything about it. Mike said I should have gotten him up. I told him I was a little busy at the moment.

My body won't let me sleep in at all. I marked some garage sales in the paper yesterday and I had decided that maybe I wouldn't go to them. However, it was apparently 0617 when I so rudely brought my husband to semi consciousness. I was dressed and had one dog walked by then. I figured I might as well go to the sales I had marked. I stopped at a few extras, but it took me almost no time at all. I spent a 75 cents and that just didn't satisfy my need for shopping. I was out looking for things for Tiger of course. So I headed over to Tar.get. Apparently it has never been an issue to me the opening time of the store before. I was there too early with twenty minutes to spare. I already stopped to get gas before heading that way. Holy cow, $3.35 a gallon! That is horrible. I thought it is ridiculous for me to drive all over town for nothing at that price. I decided to wash my car and then I thought maybe I didn't need to go look for something for Tiger. I did decide to stop at home.depot and look at the plants, just in case there was something I couldn't live without. I was still hoping for a few perennials for the from of the house. I got one larger plant and started home.

At the last second I turned and headed back toward Tar.get. I needed to look at the baby stuff while things were pretty quiet. I still haven't been able to get my husband out there to figure out what we need and get registered. I have bought many, many baby gifts now by my age, but when I was looking for myself it was very overwhelming. There is so much STUFF! What do you really need? How many of each of those things do you need? Which brand? What size? Good heavens it is scary. I was looking at diaper bags and there are so many different shapes and sizes. I keep asking my sister questions and I think she thinks I am trying to get her to give me her leftovers. She keeps telling me that she got rid of already and so forth. I am just trying to seek advice. I am glad that there are so many mothers of young toddlers and babies at work now. I keep asking them about bottles and diapers and this brand and that style. I think they all laugh at me. I just want to know if they have some lesson they have learned that I can benefit from without having to do it the hard way. Plus I really hate wasting money.

Diapers! I could tell you all the different name brands before this morning. I didn't know there were so many different varieties within each name brand. People haven't been telling me what variety they recommend, just the name brand. To be so overwhelmed and exhausted before 0930 in the morning. I did buy the crib set that I have had my eye on. Of course, since I was going because I wanted to buy something for Tiger I forgot the curtain rod that we desperately need for our bathroom and now I will have to go back. Did I say before that my husband suggested that I use clothe diapers? First, I told him that he too would be changing diapers and that clothe diapers weren't going to be working out for our lives. It is nice in theory but not very practical.

I am been in a bad mood all week. I needed to talk to my boss about a few things and I did that on Monday. Everything was going very well until the last thing I had to discuss. All of the first things I talked about were entirely work related. The last was about me. I told her my concerns about my being able to take call and she got freaking nasty. I mean nasty. She apparently doesn't remember anything about the last few employees that have been pregnant, she only remembers the ones back in the olden days. She said that "we" schedule women on call until they are in their last month and then they are usually too large to be able to move around very well. Okay, lady. I am telling you I am not moving around very well on these cases now. Second of all, I made the schedule for four years which included the time that the last two women on my schedule were pregnant. Now, they both had hyperemesis, but they were done taking call before they were 10 weeks. Both of them were off for awhile and they both came back, one of them back to full time and they didn't have to take any call. My boss is so stinking bipolar. She isn't of course, but it seems like it. I was supposed to drive across the entire state with her (just the two of us) on Monday and then back again on Tuesday, but sadly our trip got cancelled. I was not looking forward to it. I am still mad at her and she was nasty to me all week until Friday. She is a terrible driver and she was supposed to drive. My plan was to offer to drive so she could read. She is the only person in our department that is allowed to live more than 20 minutes from the hospital and she does. She is the only one that is allowed to call in because of the weather. Seems fair, huh? She lives on a farm about 60 miles away and we are all worried about her making the trip everyday because we all know what a truly horrible driver she is. Anyone at work who has ever ridden with her was terrified and fears for others when they hear they have to ride with her. I think I was more worried about the time spent with her than the driving since I am still mad. She isn't good with people.

I had three appointments that I canceled to go on this trip. Tuesday is my regular day off so I had made a perm appointment, an appointment with the daycare that I still don't know if I have a slot in or not, and a massage. I had to find someone to work for me on Monday and I explained to her what happened and said I would be happy to work again, but she said she would still be glad to work if I wanted to the day off. Let me think, YES!! Now I get a four day weekend! That is good because I have to work next Sat and I am the lucky one on Memorial Day as well. I was able to get a haircut appointment, and I couldn't get the director of the daycare on Friday but I will talk to her on Monday. I just hope it doesn't come off as flaky by canceling and then rescheduling. I just need to take my pathetic face down there and plead my case. I will have that spot!!!

I had numerous difficulties at work this week. It seemed like things weren't working in my favor. A piece of medical equipment that we needed got "lost" by one of the shipping companies. It had been overnighted to us and they couldn't even track it. It came a day late. But I had been able to work everything out for the surgery, but I don't know how many people where like concrete boots to my progress. It seemed to continue all week.

The good new is that the slight movements I had in my face are a little bit stronger. I have tremendous amount of ground to cover before it is even close to normal. With a lot of effort I can move the area round my dimple and over to the edge of my lip. A couple of times, I have had enough strength that the outer edge of the top of my lip moved. Yesterday, I was even able to see that the skin on the left side of my chin was moving when I was trying to move the area around my dimple. There hasn't been any further improvement in my nose. But in the last day or so it does feel like I have more muscle tone in my cheek and jaw and both my upper an lower lips on the left. I'll take the whole shitty week for those improvements. I never would have imagined how happy seeing something move just a millimeter would make me feel. The sense of accomplishment it would give me.

Speaking of accomplishments, here is the start I have on Tiger's baby blanket. It isn't too far along yet but it is getting there. I haven't crocheted anything in a really long time because I was having problems with my wrists and then I learned to knit. I have made about 30 afghans in my life and only two of them did I knit. It is faster for me to knit and it took me a bit to retrain myself to crochet, but since that is what I have done for most of them that is what I wanted for my baby. There were a couple of yarns that I had bought years ago that I had stashed away for myself "someday." This is one of them. I still love the yarn, but I feel a little bad because I have gotten used to using a different, better quality of yarn. I feel bad that I made so many blankets not knowing better and I still love the green, blue, turquoise, and lavender variegation. So, I will just have to wash it softer! I am a little over a quarter of the way finished according to the pattern. Sometimes I make them longer. I have enough yarn, but I don't know about time or if I am going to be able to tolerate handling the blanket in the summer heat as it gets bigger!

100 days left, 100 posts

I made it through yesterday. It wasn't too bad except my mother always manages to piss me off. My husband was wonderful but... I went in the bedroom to get some clothes and he woke up and sang to me and immediately asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I have been very specifically telling him things that I would really like for the last month! He hadn't bought anything except for the chocolate cake that I practically threatened his life over. He was so sweet, he asked if I was surprised that he got me the cake. I looked at him like he was nuts because I thought I made it very clear that he WOULD have chocolate cake for my birthday. He gave me money to buy a ridiculously expensive pair of flip flops that I want. I went to the store in town that I really thought was going to have them last week and I was going to have them set the shoes aside and then just send him in there to get them. I was disappointed that they didn't have them. Oh well, at least there is on-line shopping to save the day again!

My husband took me out to dinner and then my mom showed up shortly after we ordered so dinner wasn't as nice as it was going to be, but we all made it through alive. With my mom, that can be quite and accomplishment. She is really something else and I just have to try to ignore her. I tell my aunt things and I tell her that I don't want to tell my mom and then the next thing I know my mom is saying "so, someone told me..." I guess I can't tell my aunt anymore. I really don't think that my aunt is trying to go against my wishes I just think that she forgets she isn't supposed to tell. I really think that she has early dementia and you never know what she is going to remember or forget. She is supposed to see a doctor but she has to travel quite aways to do it so it just hasn't been convenient. The earlier you get the medicine the better the chance of it helping!!!

I didn't know if my husband would do anything for me for Mother's Day or not since I'm still a mom-to-be. I was tickled to find out that he got me a card. Cards are very special for him to get. He rarely gets me a card for an anniversary, Valentine's or birthday. I got both a birthday and Mother's Day card this year. We are going to go pick out some chairs for our patio now. We don't have room for a table but he said he would get me some chairs so we can sit out there together. I was so tickled with this card. He teases me because I have the tendency to come home and take off my pants and wonder around the house for awhile before I put on some shorts or more comfortable pants. I have done this for quite some time but it is worse now that I am wearing support hose. He has teased me about how I won't be able to do this once we have kids. Friday he was really hot and I kept telling him to just take off his pants and sit in his boxes. The card is just perfect.

We are going over to the in laws to eat. This will be the first time I have gone over there since we had our little issue. Both of Mike's grandmas will be there so hopefully that will help. I don't know, I don't really want to go. It was REALLY hard this year trying to buy cards for both our moms. I don't know why there aren't any that say "Happy Mother's Day, leave us the hell alone"

Progress

Today is my birthday. I am 31. Birthdays have been hard for me since I was a teen. I don't particularly like them but this one isn't too bad except that I am really now in my 30s. Last year I refused to agree that I was in my 30s because I was just 30. Some sort of denial I know, but it worked for a whole year.

This week has been hard and I'm sure my yearly birthday depression hasn't helped. I had an 18 hour day the day after I told my doctor I didn't think I do this much longer. Then next day I was the charge nurse at work. I was way too tired. I don't work as the charge nurse very often and it was a difficult schedule to have to run. I was thankful that one of the people that came in on a later shift was someone that works charge much more often than me and she relieved me so I could go home about 1330. I would have really liked to have gone home before that with only 4 hours of sleep the night before, but it wasn't possible. I was a nut the whole rest of the day. I cried for at least two hours that night. I was upset with my husband. I have addressed an issue I have with him a number of times over the past few years. He doesn't get it. It really bothers me that he will stay home with me until after dinner and then go to his parents house or visit a friend for a couple of hours. He does this almost all the evenings he is home. I want to spend time with him. Thursday night is the one night I want to watch TV so it isn't a bad night for him to be gone. I just hate it that he does this. I think he should spend time at home. I know he really is where he says he is, but still. The thing I really don't want is for him to leave all the time when he has his own family. I say that I am his family already and that doesn't hold enough weight, but he is gone so much and I want him to spend time with his child. I don't know but this is something that really bothers me. I try to tell him and he doesn't get it. It wouldn't bother me as much if he went earlier but he doesn't. I am almost always in bed by the time he gets home. I really like to talk to him before I go to bed. Anyway, that had me crying for two hours and I couldn't sleep. He yelled at me about it too.

I wanted to share something with him Thursday night, but he wasn't there. If he had been at work it would have been one thing, but instead I just felt abandoned. I know I am difficult to be around and I know he does need time for himself, but I need him too. He was home by himself all day. Anyway, I was able to move just a bit of my face. I have had a twitch where the dimple in my cheek is for the last week and I was actually able to move that area plus a little bit more around it that night. That was the first progress I have seen. But not only did I have some control there, but I have some muscle tone back in my nose. It isn't completely restored, but breathing is better. Now when I breathe through my nose you can actually see the left side moving. It is greatly diminished compared to the right, but it is better than nothing like it was before. The ENT stopped by to see me at work that morning and told me that I probably wasn't going to get my face back 100%. She talked to me about my visit with the specialist. She was concerned about the lack of change and atrophy to the nerve. That didn't help my day or my mood. She also told me that I needed to avoid all stress. I see that happening about quarter after never! So anyway it was encouraging to see a change after I talked to her.

Friday when I woke up all I had was the twitch in the dimple, but that didn't surprise me at all. I already knew that things would come and go and that it is actually better towards the end of the day than at the beginning. I worked with the ENT yesterday and told her and she was really pleased with that.

I had a little accident yesterday though. The charge nurse yesterday asked me to do this departmental safety check paper work. We know that we will have a visit anytime from Joint Commission and so we are trying to do all the things we need to do to be ready. We are never ready, but generally do pretty well. This is a HUGE deal. So I was going over this check list and I had to make sure that all the outlets within 36" of a sink had the GFI whatever. Well, there was one that was really close to 36". I didn't want to measure it unless until I checked the outlet and if it didn't have the shut off then I would measure the distance. I had to unplug a couple of things to see the outlet. One of the items was a phone charger (that shouldn't have been there) and it covered the outlet enough I couldn't see it. It is exactly like mine and the prongs flip flat. I tried to plug it back in and the prongs flipped in. I tried again and got a little electrocution. The current ran up my arm and down the right side of my body and out my right foot. It hurt. I felt weird, but okay right after it happened but I was worried about Tiger. I called my doctor's office and they wanted me to come over right away and they would see me. Right away, turned into about an hour wait. I was in the waiting room and I did have a nurse check on me about every fifteen minutes but I was still concerned. I didn't feel him move that entire time.

She looked me over and listened to Tiger's heartbeat. It was a little slower than it usually is but it was still normal. I kind of thought she would do an ultrasound to make sure the placenta and everything else were fine too, but she didn't. I hadn't had any contractions or bleeding and she didn't think it was necessary, but she was worried about me and sent me over to ER to be check out. I certainly was off. I don't know how to explain it. My thoughts were behind and kind of foggy. I felt twitchy all over and only felt better if I could pace around. I couldn't do that in the ER of course because they wanted me hooked up to a heart monitor. They drew a ton of blood and wanted to make sure my muscles weren't breaking down a lot, and that my kidneys were functioning alright because I would have some release of myoglobin from my muscles. The extremely handsome doctor kept assuring me that because of my age and that I'm pretty healthy 110 electricity probably wouldn't hurt me much, except that I would be sore for a couple of days. He is right my hand is still tingling today and very heavy and sore. Only I could do this. My husband flipped out. I didn't get him called until I was in the ER and they had done an initial work up on me. He had been helping one of his friends get set up for his son's graduation from high school today. They had finished and where having a couple of beers. Great! My giant husband doesn't drink often and "a couple" of beers is about all he can handle. He didn't tell me that he had been drinking when I talked to him on the phone and I could see it in his eyes immediately when he got there. It turns out that "a couple" was in fact four in about two hours and that is way too much for him to drive. I was just horrified. Now here I am in the ER all wired up and my husband is drunk. Great. A drunk in the ER is never a good thing. We were there quite awhile still and he managed to behave himself. My blood pressure went up after he got there. I was now worried about what stupid thing he might do. He managed to sober up a bit and most people probably wouldn't have known, I hope, since they are trained to notice these things. I was so embarrassed and worried.

Lets hope today goes better. However, my mother will be showing up at some point...

I neglected to say that he finally went to work! Had I not had a doctor appointment I would have seen him before he left, but I missed him by about half an hour. That's fine, because he finally went to work!! I has been nice having my husband around when you would expect a spouse to be there, but he so needed to go back to work.

25 Weeks

Twenty five weeks. Wow. I has been so fast and yet the longest time of my life. I know another fifteen weeks will go quickly and still feel like an eternity. Make sense? If you are reading this it probably does. One hundred and five days to go to hit the magic 40w. I have almost broken the 100 day marker. I have so much to do still.

My mom is going to be so disappointed. I passed my glucose tolerance test just fine. Who has a mother crazy enough to wish gestational diabetes on their child??? Apparently me. I already told my sister that if for some reason I did end up with it that we would have to LIE to our mother. Thank God I have a sister to share this crazy mother with. If I didn't have her to vent to I don't know what I would do. She is the only person who truly understands. My aunt is close, but not quite the same. My aunt is the only person who can tell my mother to pull her head out of her ass and get away with it.

I was disappointed with my OB visit. I didn't feel like they were listening to me today. I think I was needier than they were expecting. This crap with my face has really taken an emotional toll on me along with the pregnancy hormones. I would really like to just hide in a hole for awhile and only come out when I want to. Well, that isn't going to happen! My doctor wouldn't write me a note not to have call anymore. I couldn't believe it. He wanted to write a note that limits the number of hours I work. He knows there is no one on Earth that has any control over what happens on any given day when you are on call. We know some of us are shit magnets. I said what am I supposed to do after 12 hours say sorry I know I'm on call but you are going to have to call someone else. That won't fly. It is all or nothing. That means I am going to have to talk to my boss because I really think I have some very valid concerns about my abilities and emergency situations. It is about me, but I am worried about the patient that I need to be caring for. I don't want to end up as the patient when I am trying to take care of someone else. I have seen that happen and it doesn't work well.

I gained a whopping 0.4 lbs from my appointment at 21 weeks. At least it was a gain I guess. I know the week after my face went out that I did lose because I didn't know what to eat, my jaw hurt so bad, and I couldn't drink well. The nurse harped on me about getting enough fluids. I really don't think she believes me about how much I drink. I was at their office for 1 hour. I went twice while I was there and then again when I was on my way out. Does that sound dehydrated??? No.

I now have a mattress and mattress covers for the baby. I didn't order the crib when told it was excluded from the free shipping offer I had because the shipping was half the cost of the darn crib. I figured it could wait until next month when we are back to having two regular incomes. I also ordered a changing table because the free shipping did apply. I made a decision on a stroller and I think my sister is going to very generously buy it for my birthday. I guess I will find out soon. She called and talked to my husband for awhile before he gave me the phone. He brought me the phone and then walked away from me into the house but not far enough for me to not over hear most of what he was saying. I might be wrong, but it was the same day she helped me pick it out. She actually got to go to a store and got to put her hands on it. There was the added bonus that my nephew tried it out and liked it. That didn't even occur to me. Some how I am doubting that my child will be able to last in this stroller as long as my nephew but he has been the biggest of her kids. He is a little more than three and half and weighs the same as her six year old. I still have a long way to go, but at least I am started. I have been working on cleaning out the office too. My silly husband seems to think that we will be able to keep the computer in here with the baby. I think he is funny. I did find someone having a garage sale that I can contribute to. It is June 1st and I am glad because my husband can't put it off helping me for long! Crap, I was going to go help first thing in the morning, but that is when they made my next OB appointment. Oh well, I guess. I don't think she was expecting my help. Anyway... must seek food.

Monday, Monday

This morning didn't start well, but other than that I am doing better. I got up a little earlier than usual because I fell asleep last night before 2100 and didn't get my lunch made. I went through my normal routine of going to the bathroom, opening the kennel door for the cat, opening the kennel door for Sparky and getting his leash on and we headed for the back door and I stepped in water. Our house is so crappy our kitchen isn't plumbed for a dishwasher and so we have one of the portable ones you hook up to the sink. Well, the drain backed up and flooded the damn kitchen. Dirty water every where. (I found out last night my husband poured at least of cup of fat from meat down the damn drain. Gee, wonder what happened there). I dropped the leash to get some towels to at least get a path through with the dog. In the mean time, Sparky decides he doesn't want to wait and pees on the water cooler. With my super sense of smell I immediately noticed and yelled at him. I got a path mopped up and took him out. I was really mad by then. Got him in and had to dry up the whole kitchen and clean the carpet while he ate. Then I had to take the next dog out. Darn good thing I got up early!!! I wretched my guts out in the shower and I had to wake my snarly husband up to take me to work because the battery was dead in my car. (I told him Thursday I thought my batter was about dead).

Luckily, the day got better from there. Since I didn't work Friday I didn't know my assignment for the day. Had I known I would have worried about it, but everything went just fine and we had HOURS of down time. I am better than most people about finding things to do so we were fine. My car is all better now. I called my husband and he said, now listen to this, "YOU WERE RIGHT. IT WAS YOUR BATTERY." I even made him repeat it. He messed with my car for hours yesterday (avoiding the few little things he needed to still do in the bathroom) and still wasn't convinced it was my battery until he woke me up a little after nine to tell me to go to bed. Even still he didn't know how bad it was. The battery was factory so it lasted a really long time since my car is a 2002. It fell apart as he was taking it out of the car. I was worried about him, but he said he was fine. He said battery acid went all over and when I got home I could see that it had. He had cleaner all over the place for it. It literally came apart in pieces and he showed me. I am thinking we shouldn't be messing with this or breathing anywhere near it, but what do I know. I was still told that I was right and I'm not the one that is the mechanic. (He gave me a whole list of other things it could be when I said I thought my battery was going dead, but again I was still right).

He was a major crab this weekend and was just nasty to be around. He greeted me Saturday morning by saying what the fuck are you doing. Nice! Love you too honey. He wouldn't go shopping with me when I needed help and then got mad at me when I came home and wasn't feeling well at all. He was cranky because his vacation was almost over and he didn't think he got to do anything he wanted. He thought the only thing he did was work in the bathroom. I didn't tell him that if he had really WORKED on the bathroom he would have had it done before the first week was over. I am smart enough to know better. He would have had it done had he really wanted to in three days probably. My in laws came over last night for a few minutes to look at the bathroom and my MIL was decent, almost nice. I think it is the first time she has been in my house since July. I'm not sad about that. We will see if that changes with the baby. I am not always going to drag my child and all of the stuff that must accompany him to go over to Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Discouraged

Today has been rough. I am just so tired still from the weekend. I found out that I am supposed to be on call Memorial day as my holiday this year. I didn't know that and I worked it last year. I guess I took it for someone else when I was trying to make extra money. I don't know what I am going to about it yet. Maybe my doctor won't give me an option. I was going to ask him to write me a note that said no call with out another RN assisting until the end of May's schedule and then no call at all after that. Our schedule for May that is out ends on the Sunday before Memorial Day. I feel bad but at the same time I am concerned about my health and my ability to do the job in an emergency situation. I am nearing the end of orienting this new person. I need to visit with my bosses about if she needs to be with me at all on the next schedule or if she is ready to be free. At this point I am certainly more concerned about me than I am her. I think she will be fine, I don't know if I will be able to do everything with out her help at this point in time.

We worked with the ENT doctor again today and she wasn't happy that there is no change in my face. There is a specialist that she trained under that comes every three months and sees patients one day and does surgery the next. He happens to be here right now and had office today (actually in her practice). She got me squeezed into his schedule and I actually saw him outside the OR for once. He tried to be encouraging but in the end he really couldn't be. He got to see me when my eye is not working at its best and now he wants me to wear this horrible little shield as soon as someone can find one for me. The nurse was sick today and I am pretty sure their office has them or someone else in town does. I have seen them on patients before and I know that the doctors there are the ones that make them wear them. They are awful but it keeps the eye moist and protected. I won't wear it all the time even if he thinks I should but I guess I will consider it when my eye is tired like now. He said I have a classic case of Bell's Palsy, but is concerned that I haven't seen any improvement. Then he started talking about nerve studies and percentages of loss, MRIs, CTs and surgery and it all started to be more than I could handle. So I cried and cried. I have to have my hearing tested. He has to look into whether I can get the kind of study I need done here or not. I know I can get some studies done that the ENTs want but I don't know if this test is more special or not. I said I should start to see improvement in 3-5 more weeks and in most people it should be mostly better in 3-6 months. If I weren't pregnant he said he would encourage me to have surgery. They would do a nerve graft and it would be my best chance at having the most complete recovery. This is more than I can handle. I have been crying for about an hour and a half now and my husband doesn't do all that well with crying. He had a bad day himself and now he thinks I need to scrap everything I have done and just go to his chiropractor because he will cure me. If only it were that simple...

The week drags on

I can't seem to get my energy caught up from working the weekend. I am so looking forward to a three day weekend this weekend. I just have to make it through tomorrow and it is going to be busy. I have 14 cases tomorrow. Most of them are short which is both good and bad. I still have the same things I need to do just in a shorter amount of time. It is good since there are so many. The last one is on the same trauma patient I took care of Friday and Sunday. That surgery will take a number of hours, but hopefully I will be gone by then because it isn't scheduled to start until after my shift normally ends.

The floor is down in my bathroom. It isn't quite what I hoped for but it is there. I had the understanding that the baseboards would be finished today and the floor would be sealed around the tub but that isn't true at this time. I guess his vacation isn't quite over. He is certainly pacing himself!

Mike got to feel the baby move for the first time the night before last. Tiger is usually very active as I am trying to go to sleep. Mike actually came to bed the same time I did and I thought I would give it a shot to see if he could feel it. When I put my hand on my belly I don't think I feel it from the outside but he could. His little eyes twinkled and he got so excited. Of course, when he first put his hand on my belly Tiger stopped. He was patient longer than I thought he would be and finally felt him move quite a bit. Then he turned to me and asked me if I wanted to have sex. I asked him why feeling his son move for the first time made him want sex. He didn't have a good answer for that.

I need to go walk my poor Molly. Our walks have been getting shorter and shorter. I am so tired when I get home from walking around at work so much I don't want to go for a walk at all. Poor girl, it is only going to get worse.