snow and stuff

This has been the driest winter ever. We have hardly had any snow at all, until this past weekend. It started snowing on Friday. By the time I woke up Monday morning there was twelve inches on the ground. That and severe cold. Mike went to work on Sunday so he could only clear the snow until he left. He cleared it twice with the "tractor" and then of course it kept snowing. I tried to start the tractor and I couldn't do it, not that I could work the snow blade right anyway. I went out and started shoveling about 4:30. Jake was in the garage carrying around his snow removal equipment - a plunger and a broom. When I got about half way down the drive way he freaked! I stopped and we came inside. A friend came over about 5 and I went back out to finish the drive and the sidewalks. Where I had originally started already had another inch on it when I had finished the sidewalks. I wanted to cry.


Daycare was closed of course because the schools were closed. Hello? Not everything in the world stops because of snow. We didn't have one single patient cancel because of the weather. A friend's daughter watched Jake since she didn't have school. It went fine but the only problem is that she is a senior and what am I going to do next year? Crap. I opened the garage door Monday morning and cursed. We were up early because we knew it would be bad. I put my car in 4 high and went for it. Scrape. We were plowing the snow as we went. I drive a Trail.blazer. I don't have to drop at all to get in, nor do I have to step up to get in my seat either but the point is my vehicle isn't low to the ground. There had been no snow removal on our street, but as soon as I got onto the highway it wasn't bad until I get to the turn to my friend's street. There had been one swipe down the roads to her house but it still wasn't great. The rest of the way to work was fine until the street the hospital is on and then, of course, the parking lot hadn't been touched at all.

I was all worried about the driveway and how deep it was, but when I got home it was clear!!! My neighbor blew it out for me! Thank God! Well, we think we know which neighbor did it but honestly we haven't been told. I took cookies over tonight to be neighborly and he said that wasn't necessary so I think it was him. It appeared as though the trail of the snow blower lead to his house. They have a very wide three car garage out front so they have a wide expanse of concrete, but it is only one car deep. We however have a double car drive that is three cars deep so we have a lot more to clear. I am so thankful!!

My SIL is applying for a job about ten miles from us. I think that would be good. She lives about 2.5 hours away now. Her husband is a truck driver and gone all the time like up to six weeks at a time. She has lots of friends but all her teacher friends are married and have families so that means they are pretty busy. She has a very young friend that she spends a lot of time with. She really shouldn't. Her friend is 23 and is very immature. They seem to get in trouble together. My SIL is 35 and an elementary school teacher. It wouldn't be good for her to get arrested for some of the "little" things her friend likes to do. Her friend is also bipolar. I know there are lots of people out there that have this very serious illness that take care of themselves and could be living next door or the person working next to you. Well, her friend isn't that person. Her friend likes to drink, a lot. She really likes to drink and she drinks often and large amounts. She also likes to stop taking her medications and then take a bunch of her medication. This girl needs some help. My SIL talked about her friend's stalking problem as if it was nothing. She was arrested! She had to stay in jail! You don't want to know your child's teacher hangs around with people like this. We, her family, would like her to not see this girl so much. Not hang out every weekend and many weekdays. We think some distance might be good for this friendship. It would be nice to have my SIL here for my MIL too. She might drive me less batty then. It would be great for Jake to spend more time with his aunt. That might be a great place for him to go if school is closed right? We will see what happens. She hasn't even interviewed yet

One of my good friends got diagnosed with PCOS today. I have been pestering her and pestering her to go see an endocrinologist because she has this cyst on her pituitary gland. She has been bounced around by several different local doctors but is really only being treated by a family practice. She wants a baby so bad and has been trying for a little over a year now. I keep nudging her to get more help. She has gained more than 40 pounds in the last year. Now she is terribly depressed. Duh! The cyst causes her to lactate and so she has to take a medication to stop that. Her doctor tried several different things to figure this out. She (the doctor) has at least been consulting with some specialists but she needs to say - you should go to a specialist. You don't go to a barber for your wedding updo right? Just because hair is his business doesn't mean he can do everything! Hopefully she will got to an RE now. I talked to her for the hours she was waiting for a glucose tolerance test, which she failed. She got glucophage today.

She has a twin sister. Her twin got pregnant just after I did. Her sister and her lovely fiance smoked dope together and were just your average low lives. Her sister has pulled it together. The fiance is doing much better but still. Your twin gets knocked up accidentally and isn't sure what she wants to do and you are aching for a baby even long before you actually started trying. My friend's BIL was a piece of crap. A lying, stealing, cheating piece of crap. He had four children with three different moms. He never married a one of them. He hung himself. He was going to have to go to jail and he wasn't about to do that. He didn't die, but was brain dead. It was awful. His funeral was April 14, 2006. That was horrible. That was the day I woke up and my face was paralysed and drooping. He had a baby that was nine days old when he failed to kill himself. The baby's mother was only sixteen and I think he was 26. The mother kept dropping that baby off with my friend. She had him most of the first month of his life. They tried to get legal custody of him but couldn't. His mommy is bipolar. She would hand him over, take him back, hand him over, take him back. I think this happened for three months and then my friend and her husband said we can't do this anymore. That poor baby. It was just ripping my friend up. And now, it appears, she is really just at the beginning. I hope if they can deal with her insulin resistance that that will be enough. I hope she will get to a doctor that is giving her the best care and not just doing the best they can. I pray for her. But I will be there doing whatever I can to help her in anyway she needs. I just don't want her to feel like I am rubbing Jake under her nose. I am just grateful that at this moment time is on her side. She is just about to turn 26 even though she seems so much more mature than I am! She seems like a grown up and I frequently feel like I am faking it.

OMG

I think I broke my baby! Jake's bottom was a little red so I put some cream on it. I forgot to buy more of the cream I like yesterday so I put some we were given as a shower present. I think we have put it on him a time or two but it is a funky color and I don't like that so I don't use it. Besides, we have a cream that works well for us. Anyway, I put Jake in his chair to eat and I was cleaning the kitchen and getting my own plate. For once we were eating the same thing! Jake is just pushing the food around. I don't think he tried it at all. He threw his fork and spoon on the floor and was whining. I brought him applesauce (he loves that word!). He repeated applesauce a few times but wouldn't eat it. He asked for his milk so I got that for him and he drank some milk. Then he drank some of his juice. He was whining more. He wanted to be picked up. I picked him up and sat him on my knee and he wiggled away but immediately wanted to be picked up again. I picked him up and he had his fork from the floor in his hand. I tried to give him food off my plate which he refused. He told me he was hungry so I got him some baby food instead. He ate about half of what I gave him and cried. He kept saying owie and holding his arms out but wouldn't point to where it hurt when I asked. I wasn't exactly expecting him to but it would help.

So I took him and gave him a bath. His bottom was red and he wouldn't sit. He kept one leg under him and leaned forward. I gave him his allergy medicine and washed him up like usual but he wouldn't play. He just whined. He wouldn't take a nap today so I knew it was going to be a difficult evening. I took him to his room and put him on his changing table. OMG! I wish I could take a picture and post it without it being considered child.porn. It was horrible. I have never seen anything this bad. He apparently reacted to the cream I put on him. His everything was red or red and blistering. He has little cracks in his groins now and his pen.is and scrot.um look horrible. I feel just horrible. My poor baby. I thought about scooping him up and dashing to the emergency room but I doubt they will do much for him. I cut open the tube to our regular cream and scraped out the inside. That was the first tube we went through. We don't need it often but still I forgot and I feel so bad. He just cried and hiccuped. He just couldn't get comfortable. It took forever to get his jammies on him and then I gave him some tylenol and I no more than sat in the rocker to try to comfort him and he was out. I hope a miracle happens while he is sleeping. I feel so bad for him. I feel like a terrible mom

I did it!

With a lot of help, but I finally joined the rest of the world and got my layout changed! I am so excited. Why this excites me so, I'm not sure but it does.

How is everyone doing? We are hanging in there. I am doing pretty well with making a "life style change" and not just going on a diet. Weekends are the hardest for me and yesterday I don't do so well, what with that take out Mexican and about a gallon (not really) of margarita just for me. I know it is going to take a long time but this is my life we are talking about right? And since I started the family a little later than some I sure want to be around to enjoy it. My mom "stopped by" yesterday and Jake and I stood at the door and waved as she walked out to her car. It took FOREVER! She needs to have both of her knees replaced. The arthritis was made worse by all the years of being so over weight. She has lost a few pounds in the past couple of years but it was too little too late. I may have damage already but I can certainly do my body a favor now.

So I waited and waited to change Jake's diaper after breakfast this morning. He usual poops right. He hadn't. I needed to get him cleaned up because he had been doing his own hair for long enough with his banana and oatmeal. I tried to clean him up. There was much screaming and kicking at mommy. I didn't give him a bath because we do that before bed. What I did came close to rinsing his head under the sink to get the glumps of food out. He got a half shower at least. Anyway, I no more than set him down on the floor from dressing him and he FILLED his diaper. Why does he do this? He does it all the time. Just like he poops and you change him and he immediately pees. I think he thinks it is a game! Oh well. He is just helping me get some exercise by running away so I have to chase him to change him again.

We were up early this morning. Jake is frequently waking up twice a night! Dear God, help me. He is hungry or at least wants some milk. He doesn't just want a drink either, we are talking 6, 8, 10 oz of rice milk. I'm not sure what to do. It isn't like I can ignore the screaming. It isn't just crying but screaming for milk or juice. I don't give him juice that is just what he says. So anyway he was ready for a diaper change at six this morning and so we were up for the day. He climbed over me and gets down off my bed. My bed is very tall and he can very confidently slide his way down. He says "no no" and hands me my glasses off my night stand. That means "get your butt out of bed Mommy!" So I did. We got up and changed him and he didn't want to eat but to sit and cuddle. I can handle that! So we sat and watched infomercials because that was all that was on. I don't know what they do but they are like crack. I would never order anything I saw on tv any other time of the day except early in the morning. They truly seem to suck my brain out. I don't get it. I want to know if they have the subliminal messages every however many frames or what. Anyway, we got to watching this Your.Baby.Can.Read. Has anyone seen it? Has anyone tried it or knows anyone that has? I was glued to the screen. They never said how much it actually cost - for a reason! I went to the website and it is $200! The awful thing is that I am still thinking about it, wondering if I should get this. If it really works than it would be totally worth it. Then the rational part of me is going, hello? how many times have you gotten sucked into one of these early morning wonders and bought something? The answer is twice and neither product was all that!

So there was our morning do that Jake worked so hard on. Let me tell you about my Jake. He has gotten to be a bit of a pipsqueak. I am a terrible mother and I didn't take him in for his fifteen month well baby visit. Why? He had two other check ups that same month and it didn't seem necessary. They each weighed him and said he is now small but he is continuing to gain weight and is healthy so they agreed he didn't really need another appointment that I would have had to pay for out of pocket. I think our well baby check ups are insanely expensive too. The office charge for the ENT and the allergist added together didn't cost as much as a well baby visit. There is something seriously wrong with that. He will go for his 18 month though because he needs more shots. We got a little off with our shots since we went in too early for his year shots and made them up a little later. They told me that was fine. Good thing because most of them are out of pocket too. Does anyone else have that problem with their insurance? They will pay for the administration of the injection ($41 per injection - I should be giving shots all day) but not the drug. That doesn't seem right to me.

Anyway, my "little" ball of energy is something. He talks up a storm. He repeat almost any word he hears, but his vocabulary seems to be multiplying everyday and he is becoming more and more understandable. He doesn't say pants or jammies but he says socks, shoes, shirt, coat. He likes "sh" a lot. He says all done, more, thank you, cup, Mommy now not just "mama", grandma, grandpa Bob, Jojo (name of my friend) kitty, puppy, doggie, baby, bath, that, this, trash, phone, danger, hhhottt and of course no no, owie, and uh oh. He tells you nite nite when he is ready to go to sleep. He still asks for booboos (meaning he wants to nurse) and says more I cant remember. He brings me his coat and tells me bye bye when he wants to go outside. He is just a ham. He is still terribly bow legged. He doesn't climb up much (other than stairs) but he does like to get down independently. He wants to walk to the car everyday now when we leave daycare. It is so much fun. I just can't believe how fast it is all going. I have put away his 12 month pants because they were getting tight in the tummy and a little short but 18 month are huge! He has been wearing 18 shirts and onies for quite awhile. He is still wearing his 12-16 month shoes but they will be too narrow soon. The 16-20 month are just still clown shoes when he is trying to walk or run. He eats most of his food with a spoon and not his fingers now. He almost always uses his right hand. He doesn't seem to have a firm attachment to any toy or blanket or anything. I gave him a bottle to give up the boob and we are trying and failing to give up the bottle. He only gets it at home and from grandma but I'm taking hers away this week. I think she would give it to him forever just because she likes it.

Good morning

I am exhausted. I had a very nice three day weekend. I did try to do a lot, but not enough of course. Mostly I am exhausted from Aunt Flo's last visit. She didn't come for a week. She moved in and stayed for 29 days. No one wants any kind of visitor for 29 days. I talked to nurse midwife last week and she said not to worry. I told her I thought I was going to die and she said this wasn't uncommon. Holy crap!

I sit typing from my "new" laptop. My SIL and BIL felt the need to upgrade their laptop. They are only three years old and Mike volunteered to buy them. It is kind of handy to sit in the living room or at the table and be on the computer and Jake can just play away. We already had wireless so we didn't even have to upgrade that. Jake caused a lot of trouble in the office. It also makes it easier once (if) we need to move the office down to the basement to use the bedroom for say a crib. I haven't put any pictures on here yet though so I don't have any to post.

I am working on cleaning up my life. That means myself and my surroundings. I have been trying to purge some of the crap from our house. It is hard for my husband but there are so many things we don't need and I feel like they physically weigh me down. There is the other issue. I am going to work on lightening myself and shaping myself up. How much weight do I have to lose? A lot. I decided that I am going to tackle it in 12 pound increments. Why? Twelve is my lucky number so that is where we will start. So here is to twelve fewer pounds on my rear (or pretty much anywhere else)!

I have also been working on trying to find food for Jake to eat. I must say this is horribly frustrating. Of course we have our allergy restrictions so that is extremely limiting. I am working hard to try to get meat into him. I have recently been able to get small amounts of hamburger and ground turkey into him. He seems to like it a bit spicy so I can handle that. But I am still frustrated. I am going to have to pack lunches for him to take to daycare everyday once he stops eating baby food once and for all. I am tired of baby food. He doesn't eat it much for us but that is still what he takes at daycare. That helps me because I know I am not giving him the same thing he ate there. Plus it means it takes longer for him to get bored with what I am giving him!

Apparently I have to go to work today so I have to go. I have been trying to find out about a huge layoff by the railroad in Nebraska and I haven't found out yet. Mike thinks he will be safe but it will be very close for one of our friends and every cut puts Mike closer and closer to the bottom.

Long and boring

God, I wish I had Jake's energy! I also wish I still had his innocent curiosity. I'm just old, tired and crusty or something like that. At least that is how I feel at this moment. Yesterday I was charge nurse, which I find to be very stressful, and I was also on call. It could have been worse but I did have to work in the night and now I am very tired because my sweet little boy insisted that Mommy not sleep the day away. Actually, he did let me sleep until almost 8 so I can't complain too much. It is nice to wake up to him in his crib and to the sound of his sweet jabbering.

Thankfully, I am off today so I can recover. I was hoping to make a trip out of town to do some shopping but I don't think I am up to it today. However, my being off is a mixed blessing. I am off due to down staffing. That isn't really a good thing is it? We are really having some issue with the hospital and my memory isn't firing right now as to if I have shared those issues and concerns here. The economy does not help the current health care state. People can't afford to have necessary but not urgent surgeries. Like maybe a hernia that needs to be fixed but they have lived with it for x amount of time already so they can live with it longer or a back that is bothering them but it will just have to wait or a bladder that is drooping but well, they have been able to tolerate it this long so it can wait awhile longer. Do I blame people? No. It is expensive to have anything done regardless of how wonderful your insurance may be. There are also people who no longer have insurance so they can't get that gallbladder out until they are deathly ill.

So the highest of the high at the hospital had this wonderful plan that they had been working on for several years I'm sure. We need to be like some of the great big wonderful hospitals. The hospital and the doctors' offices need to all join together and become a super power. The hospital will acquire the offices, and all their staff, and patients will be able to get better care. If you go to doctor A for a headache and Dr A does some tests and then you go to Dr B for your sore knee, Dr B can just look in the new magic computer and instantly all the information that Dr A has is there! So Dr B doesn't have to do some of the same labs or something or if Dr B does, he can compare and see the difference. Then if you go to the hospital because you broke your hip (god forbid!) all the information from Drs A and B is instantly available. Do I think this is wonderful for you that they can see that you take 50mg of medication X not 100mg when they are asking you and you can't remember because of the pain? Yes, this is a good thing for the patient IN THEORY.

Why am I not over joyed with our ability to provide better, safer patient care? Sure it is great, BUT there are some huge downfalls that impact me. So for the hospital the the doctors' office to merge the hospital had to BUY the practices from the doctors. The hospital now has a tremendous number of additional employees that all want to be paid and want to have benefits and stuff. Now the doctors earn salaries based on their work. Okay, but every time you go to the doctor you have to hand over a wad of cash, right? So now the hospital takes that money in and it pays the overhead and salaries and crap right? Sort of. This whole process seemed to be planned by idiots. We now have all these boards that over see all sorts of crap. That is expensive. Part of the problem is that they didn't figure out some of the critical things before the actual merger occurred. Oh, say, like billing. They sort of did. I mean someday you will only get one bill no matter where you go. All the visits will show up together in one HUGE bill. You only have to pay one time right? Well, they didn't get all of the billing figured out before hand. Everything in the world has a code for billing, but they only got it started. So if what you had done was way down the number line, they didn't have the ability to charge you or your insurance for it for a couple of MONTHS at least. So that means the employees are still getting paid. The doctors are still getting paid. The lights and water are still on in the office, but money isn't coming in. Hello? And we are talking about dozens of doctors. We are talking about big and little bills. We are talking about MILLIONS of dollars not coming in. So eventually it will all get caught up, right? Yes, eventually it will, but it isn't still. Besides, how much money did it take to BUY all of the practices? Where did all that money come from? Hmmm

Now not all the doctors liked this idea. Suddenly they have a giant boss that can tell them what to do. Okay, so they don't have to join. But what does that mean? Dr A and Dr B both practice the same kind of medicine. Dr A is part of the megapower. Dr B isn't. When you see a Dr that is part of the megapower and they need to refer you, who are they going to refer you to? Another doctor in the megapower. So this means that Dr B's practice is going in the crapper so Dr B decides to move away. Now we don't have Dr B coming to surgery anymore. Okay so the patients have to see Dr A and he/she will do the surgery instead. Well, it is going to take you twice as long to get into see that doctor it also means that doctor has more cases to do when they do operate so now they are operating longer and later in the day. Where has this affected us the most? Orthopedics. We used to have two practice with 6 surgeons and they were trying to recruit more. In a very short time we will have 1, yes, I said 1 orthopedic surgeon. We used to run 2.5 rooms a day in just orthopedics. Today there were just two cases from traveling surgeon squeezed in. So not even a whole room.

Okay, so this megapower is supposed to be a recruiting benefit for new doctors. They can come here and they don't have to worry about buying into a practice. They don't have to worry about setting up an office. They just come and it is there. They come to work and get a paycheck. But it takes a lot of time to get new doctors. We don't exactly have a big draw here. At the moment, who are the doctors that we can get to come and look? Mostly brand new doctors and foreign doctors. Okay, a new doctor, that isn't so bad right? They have a lot of years still to practice right. Well, we are just a stepping stone to gain experience. And they don't have the experience that we need. Foreign doctors might have more experience but they don't go over all that well in this older farming community. You are going to have people that travel to other communities rather than to have that foreign doctor touch them.

So where does that leave me? We have less work. That means we make less money. We have staff standing around. We have to cut huge amounts of money because they SPENT SO MUCH money and it isn't coming in. We aren't getting raises and all of our expenses went up. We are getting sent home and told you still have a job but... And we are running rooms late in the night because fewer doctors are now doing the work. There is less work but there is still work. This bites. I got paid yesterday and Mike saw the amount in the checking account and called me and wanted to know what happened. Where the rest of my paycheck went. No honey that is it. I did increase the amount held out for my flex account but that is a $50 pretax amount so it shouldn't make a huge difference, but the cut hours were there. But, the silver lining to this very black cloud is that I have had more time with my son. That doesn't keep food on the table or pay for his doctor bills but at least we were together. It has also helped with my stress levels and guilt levels.

So, I should wake up. Get myself cleaned up. Make my shopping list and go buy some food with my meager check because the pantry, the cupboard and the fridge are bare.

Precious moments together

I just can't believe how fast time passes! I was watching Jake run around the living room tonight and it just made me all teary. My little baby was running and giggling. He does things that just crack me up. He says cracker whenever he is hungry and we will go to the cupboard that contains food that is safe for him. I will let him stand on the counter and he will pick out what he wants and he will take three fourths of contents out and then start putting them back. He just loves this. I hold something up and ask if this is what he wants and he tells me no. He is so good at that no as toddlers are! Gee I wonder why! I just love how he runs up and hugs my leg. I LOVE the hugs. He gives the best hugs and still the big open mouth kisses. And he is so generous with them!

But what really amazes me is how fast he seems to learn and what he knows. He loves to rearrange the chairs in the dinning room and you tell him to put them back and he puts them exactly where they go. He is meticulous in how he places things. He loves to stack things. He was stacking boxes of oatmeal and a box of darn tampons (I just couldn't take pictures because of that) He was stacking them taller than himself. Of course he took great pleasure in knocking them down. I say something to him and it surprises me that he understands and follows the directions I gave him. I just love it. I just love him so much it hurts sometimes. It is terrible that sometimes when I am going to bed I hope that Jake will wake screaming so I can bring him to bed to cuddle with me. I am so thankful I have this little man in my life.