Today!

Today is the day and I am so nervous! I hardly slept at all last night. On top of the nerves it was very hot and humid. I got up hoping to take a picture of the lunar eclipse but it was cloudy out and you couldn't see a thing. I mean how many people can say there was a very rare lunar eclipse the day they were born? A lot probably, but Jake could have been one of them.

It is hard to believe that in less than an hour I will be making one of the most important trips to the hospital in my life. I mean I go there almost everyday, but it is like this is the first time. Mike and I talked and talked last night. He couldn't sleep either, but now he is out like a log. Good thing he does his cleaning up before he goes to bed. He was all stressed out last night about all the things he hasn't gotten done at home and how he is going to get me set up at the hospital and then he is going to run home and finish a few last things. I wanted to smack him up side the head and yell about how he has had more than a week where he hasn't gone to work and he could have, should have, had all of those things done days ago, but I didn't. I just told him he wasn't allowed to be gone long and if I called he needed to get his ass back up there. He detests hospitals. He gets very very anxious there. He feels very helpless and as we all know that is a terrible feeling when we have no control over what is happening. Here is this great big strong guy and there is nothing he can do. He is really worried about me being in pain. I am worried about how he will handle everything. This big macho guy is concerned about blood and the "stuff that comes out." He is afraid he will faint and how will that look and who will take care of me then. I am worried about how often he will have to go out to smoke since he will be so stressed. I tried to get him something but he didn't want gum or patches and said he would take care of it himself. Well, he didn't.

Anyway, we talked and talked last night. We have been together for almost nine years. Mike's birthday is on Thursday and here is his present! I still think we don't have a clue how much our lives are about to change. We are both very stubborn people who like to have things our own way. I suspect we are about to bring another person just like that into this world! Almost nine years of just the two of us. I think our lives are just beginning now...

40w 6d

I don't know how I feel today. I feel some relief in knowing that no matter what this will end tomorrow and then everything actually begins. I don't feel as scared as I have, but somehow I am guessing I won't sleep much tonight. At this point I am so uncomfortable I hardly sleep as it is. I am trying to poke or prod my husband into getting the basement and a few other things finished. He actually has made some progress, but it seems to make a difference when I am sitting in the room watching him. (the pig sticker helps too).

I have been contracting all day, but they don't seem to have any rhyme or reason at this time. My back seems to be really tight all the time though. I keep thinking maybe I won't have to wait until tomorrow but I'm just not there yet. My husband is asking all sorts of questions he thinks that I should have answers for or rather that there should actually be answers for. Like will you go into labor in the middle of the night? Maybe, it isn't like my body will decided that since it is night it should rest instead of give birth. How long will it take for the induction? Don't know every person is different and no two pregnancies that any woman has are the same. He didn't like that and thought I was being smart. I told him I would like to give him an exact time, but I don't freaking know!!! I'm just tired I guess.

I am extremely tired of the phone ringing and people wanting to know what is going on and why did I talk to so and so but not them. Well, so and so called already so I talked to them. When you tell someone that you will let them know when the baby is born you mean it. So if you don't call it means one of two things (to me at least) the baby hasn't been born or things may not be going well and they haven't had a chance to call and let you know yet. I keep thinking about putting a message on our answering machine that just says we aren't taking any calls at this time and don't call us we will call you. Both of our cellphones have been ringing constantly, even emails. I find texting and emails are more pleasant to deal with. Some how the people don't seem to be as rude. And why are they being rude to us anyway? WE ARE WAITING TOO!!!

40w 5d

I can do it right? I can push this boy out even though he keeps getting bigger every single day right? I hope so. The thing is, I help fix things that happen to women's bodies after pushing these babies out. Some of them it is because of how many they had, some because of how big the babies were, and some... just because. I'm just a bit scared.

I survived my mother yesterday. She showed up before her hair appointment to drop off a cake she had made and to tell me she was going to the doctor before coming over. The first thing she said to me was "you aren't as big as I thought you would be." Gee, what a compliment. I guess that is better than saying the baby has grown so much in the past two weeks in the fashion she said it before.

We managed to keep her visit to less than 6 hours I think. We wouldn't really let her do anything, but what that meant was that we really didn't get to do anything either. It felt like another wasted day. Then after she left we got in a fight because Mike "went to the basement to work" much of the visit, but what he really did was take a nap in a chair in the basement. So things really didn't change at all down here. Little has been accomplished in a week. He made a comment to me about something I bought for the house, that it wasn't the right thing, and I apologized and said that I was just trying to help. Then he snapped at me and I cried for two hours I think. So I cry and he gets mad because I am crying. Great! We get a lot accomplished that way.

I drug my bawling but out to the store at 730 last night and spent a fortune on picture frames. I want to get some family pictures put up in Jake's room today and I needed to get some new or additional frames. That seemed to help dry my eyes up a bit. My face looks so swollen and puffy as it is, I know I had to really look great at the store! The left side of my face that is still trying to recover is a lot worse than the right side. It almost looks like I have had dental work done or I need to have dental work done because that cheek is so much puffier. Nothing like a never ending pregnancy to make a gal feel sexy! Everything is swollen from your toes to your face, the veins bulging in your legs and your husband is well aware that he isn't going to be able to have sex with you for the next six weeks. So he just makes sure to turn off all the lights and make sure the curtains are closed tightly so he can't see you at all...

Back to the never ending pregnancy. One of the doctors I work with lives up the street and he likes to play farmer. He has a bunch of horses and a couple of fields and a collection of crap like you have never seen. I am debating waddling up to his house and seeing if I can ride a tractor around for awhile to see if I could jostle myself into labor. The nasty gravel roads haven't done it but maybe the actual vibration of a tractor or whatever would do the trick. I suggested it to Mike yesterday and he wasn't keen on the idea. The lawn needs to be cut today, maybe I could ride the mower for awhile, huh? I don't know but I think I will go do some laundry, vacuum again, scrub the floors another time, and hang the pictures in Jake's room. He may even see it one day!!!

I guess the only good thing here is that this buys me a bit of time with the photographer, right? And maybe after they make me labor for hours upon hours and I will have to have c-section because Jake has grown to 18 pounds. So then he will have a nicely shaped head for such pictures. Funny, the last two people I know that went to this photographer did have c-sections after laboring for hours with their first baby (also boys). Both of those boys were over 9 pounds at birth!

Grrr....

I am trying to remember right now that I really like my OB and that I see him for all of his knowledge and experience and crap. I am miserable. My back hurts, my feet hurt and I am ready to be done. I am terrified of getting Jake out and each day that passes makes it worse. My OB wanted me to come back and see him next Tuesday and do a biophysical profile and then do an induction on fricking FRIDAY!! That is when I started crying and said I don't think I could wait that long. I told him the baby would be 25 pounds by then! He said that well we could do it on Tuesday if there weren't already two inductions on the schedule for that day if that is what I wanted. NO, I want TODAY!!!! He checked the schedule while I got dressed and continued to cry on my husband. Thankfully at least there weren't already two on for the day. Then as I was leaving he gave me my pat on the shoulder and said there was about a fifty/fifty chance I might not have to be induced by then. He was pleased that I had dilated since I had seen him last.

This is not what I was hoping for!!! I know he is not big on inductions, but I am over due now. I didn't ask him to schedule one for convenience. Now it is about having both of us make through with the least amount of injury for Pete's sake!!!! Dear God, help me! I need some strength here. I need strength and patience. I need a lot of both to make it through my mom's visit tomorrow! My husband said he might go over to his friend's house tomorrow night and "drink some beers" because he doesn't want to be here around my mother. Ok, she can't stay that long and if he goes out drinking then I WILL go into labor and he will be drunk at the hospital like he was when I electrocuted myself just before my birthday. I talked to my sister and she said I need to make some brownies and drink half a glass of wine! The brownies sound really good at least.

Soon to be Mommy and Daddy

Here the pictures Mike took of us last weekend. That is the first time I have seen Mike's face look so excited since he was telling everyone at Christmas that we were pregnant. I don't get that face. If only he got so excited about things like the nursery and getting the house done. He literally got just the front enough of the side yard mowed so that we could take these pictures. Anyway here we are thinking that in fact this pregnancy may end in delivery any second! Oh how we were wrong! We will see what happens at our appointment today. Maybe he can make my body do something because I don't know if I can make it another weekend! I forwarded an email yesterday afternoon, well after my normal time to be off work and I got a reply from my mom wanting to know what I was doing home from work! Are they making me stay home now?? Funny thing is, she is the one that should have still been at work! Anyway, she said that she will be in town tomorrow to get her hair cut and she will be by my house to help me! I will say that she did help me when I got my gallbladder out so I know it is possible, but 99.9% of the time it isn't so. If she is truly helping me then she is probably stepping on Mike's toes and he is trying to hide from her. She then thinks he is a terrible husband because he isn't there when I need him. Well... he and I may have a different set of expectations for him as a husband, but he isn't as bad as my mom thinks at least. No one is good enough... not Mike, not even me and as my sister likes to remind me, I am the favored child.

Still...

We had horrible storms last night. Tons of rain and terrible winds. We are still trying to assess our tree damage in our yard. We do seem to have some though and we are concerned about the biggest of the trees in our yard. There are a few branches on the ground under it, but the thing that concerns us is that there are branches now hanging nearly to the ground. They weren't like like yesterday. We tried to see if there was something split or detached and we can't see anything, but why are the branches hanging more than six feet lower than yesterday? We just took our picture under this tree this weekend so we know there was plenty of room to stand under it. We just can't see any injury, but these branches go up about 20 feet.

So the barometric pressure changes didn't make Jake come out. The midwife rubbing my belly yesterday and trying to talk him out didn't work. I did go to work this morning and I left about 1130. There were only 2 ORs with cases and there was enough staff for six rooms plus me as extra so there was no point to my presence. I walked and walked at work. I lifted things and just did my job in general. Nope. My OB was about the only surgeon working today and he kept asking me if I was in labor yet. Nope. I came home and had to force my husband to have sex with me. Yeah, I mentioned sex and the next thing I know he is stripped and in bedroom wanting to know what is taking me so long to get in there. That seemed to wake Jake up, but that is all. He said if he had too he could probably do it again later. Of course he is now sleeping in his chair after get his back adjusted because he is in so much pain. He isn't supposed to do anything for at least a couple of hours. Like he needs any encouragement! Anyway, then we went out to lunch for Mexican and I ate food as absolutely spicy as I can tolerate it, and I can do hot food. That just elicited a bunch of kicking. Then I went shopping and wandered around and around the store. I never registered for or bought any burp clothes at all so I thought I better go pick up some clothe diapers to do the job. I seemed to end up with quite a lot of stuff for just some diapers. I just kept thinking, this will be the last time I will be able to go shopping at will all on my own. So all that walking didn't help either. I did buy a sling to carry Jake that I thought looked like it would work pretty well for dog walking, rather than taking the stroller for a 10 minute walk! I got some other stuff too.

Yesterday I drove down one of the worst gravel road I know, twice. I should go now today since it rained last night and then again today. Problem is, the road isn't as safe now... So I think I will take another long walk with Molly. Thank God it is cooler today because I am getting to be miserable most of the time. I was actually able to sleep for four straight hours last night without having to go to the bathroom and I apparently rolled over without waking up too.

I am scared and keep wondering what I have done and question my sanity. I cried for two hours last night. I was so tired and stuff needed to get done. Mike didn't do shit. He spent an hour on the phone with his dad going back and forth from the breezeway watching the weather to watching TWC. I was just pissed. I was very frustrated because I wanted my husband's time and help. I am worried about how much he is going to help me. He obviously doesn't do much to help me now and that frustrates me. Here I am 52months pregnant (or feeling like it) and I am cleaning the floors, scrubbing the bathroom and doing dishes.

I got some news today that wasn't what I was wanting. There is a photographer about two hours away that I really, really want to take Jake's newborn pictures. She does absolutely amazing work and I didn't call her soon enough. She is extremely busy with Senior pictures right now and is "double booked." I want her to take his pictures more than anything. They wouldn't tell me no for certain but they weren't sure we could be worked in. Since you most of us don't know exactly when we will give birth she won't schedule anything for you ahead of time. So I have to call when Jake finally comes and maybe, just maybe she can work me in. There are several photographers around that do a good job, but these pictures are so far above and beyond what they do and she doesn't really charge more. I don't know if we are going to do this again. I don't know if we just figured out what we needed to do to get pregnant on our own or if Jake is just a very precious gift from God, a one time thing. I don't know. I don't know if we will have this opportunity again and I want to have these amazing pictures to cherish for the rest of my life. Stupid me for not calling sooner. (although I haven't know the photographer's name for very long, even though I keep seeing her pictures around).

Anyway, I have laundry to do, a walk to go on, and I will probably find something else to scrub. Scrubbing something always seems to help when I am upset. Plus I still haven't finished Jake's baby blanket. It has been way too hot to be having yarn in my lap!!! I won't be going back to work again until the end of October!! I can't believe it. I almost cried as I was gathering up my things today. Even though I complain a lot about my job, I really do love it. Some of the people piss me off, and there is a ton of stress, but I do like it. At least some things should be worked out by the time I get back with the schedule and the surgery center sucking the life out of us.

I see my doctor tomorrow afternoon, unless - God willing - something happens between now and then! Please don't let me make it through the weekend!!!! So maybe I won't be writing for a bit!

Not yet!

So you would think with the HUGE weather front we are having that my body would kick into action. But no luck so far! I just feel miserable in the humidity. I "worked" today. I did do work but I am starting to feel a bit useless. I did get quite a lot accomplished. There really isn't anything else left for me to do that I HAVE to do. Well, there is one thing. I still haven't filled out my leave of absence papers. They are so damned confusing, for a reason I'm sure. I have had to fill them out with each surgery I have had, but I am a bit confused as to how to do it now, especially since I will have medical leave for six weeks and then family medical leave for an additional three. My boss only yells at you about them so I need to go to HR and have them help me. I have another thing there I need to take care of as well so I just need to get there. Technically I don't have to have the paperwork done before the baby comes, but within a few days. Anyway, I just need to get it done.

I took Molly for a LONG walk tonight and it did nothing for my body. I am irritated with my husband for accomplishing almost nothing in the last three days and I just can't bring my self to have sex at this moment. I am still going to mop the floor and va

c the living room and dining room tonight so maybe that will do the trick.

I took these pictures last week I think. I felt like a whale then and I know it is worse now. I don't remember if I have mentioned it but I got bit on my tummy a couple of times and so I scratched the bites. Then my already sensitive skin got irritated by my support hose and now I have been dealing with heat rash from the edge of my hose down for like the last six weeks. I itch so stinking bad. Some days there are big blisters in my beautiful stretch marks.

Funny, the "kiss me i'm irish" should be over my belly instead of my breasts. Jake is a lot more Irish than I am! Stubborn little stinker!

Not yet!

Yes, we are still pregnant. I have almost everything tied up at work and will be as finished as I can be tomorrow. Actually, there is nothing right now that can't wait for a week or three since there I still have the ability to go up there or call. I just like to have every single i dotted and t crossed. But tomorrow I will do the last of it and then maybe... There are still a few hours left today though. I wouldn't be able to have my doctor if Jake comes today and I don't want the one that is on so... I don't mind waiting until tomorrow. What is one more day at this point???

Still here

Jake and I are still joined at the cord, and a few other things. I am continuing to work because I need to and today they needed me. What a day from hell! I didn't leave until a little after 1800 and there where still three rooms going with little end in sight! I must say that my charge nurse has been very nice to me and I am feeling bad about saying I hoped I didn't have to work with her again until I got back. Her mood has improved so much since she had her surgery. It must have really made her feel better, for which I am glad. No one should suffer when there is something that can easily be done to fix it. That is why we do what we do. That is why I stay late and work extra. Part of it anyway... The bad news is that we found out we are having another survey for two weeks! This time it is the state. I have never seen them come before. We were told that we are their very first stop as well. Great!!! If I still didn't have things I wanted/needed to accomplish I would do whatever I could to get this party rolling. There is still hope that I might go into labor tonight... but somehow I doubt it. Maybe after tomorrow... I think I keep saying or thinking that. I don't know. If I work another 12 hour day tomorrow I won't have to got back anymore. I just don't want to deal with surveyors. I make such a good target too. I'm big and I move slowly.

Have I mentioned that this baby feels HUGE??? I think you start to feel so miserable at the end so you don't care anymore about all the doubts you have about yourself and all the horror stories people tell you. I don't know, but I kind of thought today would be the day work would put me into labor!!!

Hope

I sat waited at the OB office forever today. I was about ten minutes early getting there and I waited for about an hour. I'm guessing the whole day got back logged because there were two doctors and a nurse practitioner in surgery for a couple hours longer than originally scheduled due to an emergency. (Gee I had to suffer for it in the morning and then again in the afternoon!) Oh well...

So the appointment went well. (as previously posted) I saw the midwife today because my doctor was gone. I like her very much. I had a hard time deciding which route I was going to go, to the midwife or to the OB's, when I was making my health care provider selection. I love my doctor, but I always feel a bit more comfortable talking more openly to one of the female doctors/midwife/nurse practitioners. Some of it is because they are women and have actually experienced these things and I think some of it is that they are closer to my age. I don't know (plus their hands are smaller!)

***CAUTION, TMI AHEAD***Looking at my chart, she could tell me that I definitely have had progress since last week. They always ask you about if you have been leaking any fluid or had any spotting or "show" and all that. Of course I have not observed any of these things. But when she did the exam I was already in the process of losing my plug. And she said that I am 1-2 cm dilated, but she could stretch me to the 2 cm without much difficulty. It may not have been difficult, but it was more than uncomfortable. I am also 50% effaced. There is always the difference in examiner and so she said I might have been 1 cm before but my doctor's fingers are just too big to give me that credit. She also said that maybe I wasn't and now I am. Well either way we have progress and she made me bleed like a stuck pig (actually as I said some of the blood was already on its way). I must say I have not missed having blood coming out of my body and am not looking forward to the time after delivery. So she gave me hope! She said there is a chance I might not be pregnant next Friday. She asked how long I was continuing to work and said it was fine to keep going back. She told me to keep having sex (not today though) to help encourage my body along. And she told me she was on call this weekend and it was possible that I might be seeing her. I won't hold my breath to that, but I am at least feeling a bit better that something is happening with my body and I may not be pregnant forever. When I asked about how long they would let me stay pregnant she said my risks of c-section are so much higher with the first pregnancy being induced that they would really rather WAIT awhile longer before making that decision. What!!!! Well, a WEEK TO TEN DAYS after my due date, but I would have to talk to my doctor about that IF I have to come back next week. I would think my chance at a c-section would go up if they waited a whole week because this baby is so freaking big!!! God is still trying to teach me patience. You would think it would be apparent by now that patience is not my strong point!

At least when (if?) I go back to work on Monday I can say I have made progress!

Getting nervous

Here we are, Jake and I, waiting some more. I am officially getting nervous/scared. I have a coworker that is driving me nuts. She is a total bitch and she acts like she is nice to you and gives a shit, but she really doesn't. She keeps asking me questions with answers that are intended to scare me. I have to just blow her off, but it is starting to get hard. (she is the one that tried to get me freaked out about my daycare).

So again, here we wait. Jake has been a bit quieter this week which has had me a little worried. I know he doesn't have much space to move so he doesn't seem to do it much. I was sitting in the rocking chair in Jake's now nearly finished room while my husband was finally replacing the outlets. (he still has a phone jack to fix, but I let it go today). Anyway, I was sitting in the chair listening to my husband curse as he changed the outlets. I don't know why he didn't do it sooner it took less than 20 minutes to do all of them and one of them he had trouble with. That time also included lots of talking to me and a phone call. He was asking me about Jake and I told him about his movements (or lack there of). We have had tons of hiccups, and a bit of wiggling but not so much stretching or wiggling around. I don't know if it was hearing his daddy or what but Jake woke up and hasn't gone back to sleep. It has been more than four hours and he is making up for all the quiet of the week. I think he is trying to do his part to get the hell out of there.

While Mike was working he kept telling me that he had so many things still to do and he just wanted to make sure he got them all done for me. I wanted to laugh. He just doesn't want to go to work. I told him that he HAS to go to work now because soon enough he will be home not earning any money. So he has been stopping his feet like a giant child with his lip out, but he will be going to work. He doesn't like the person he is lined up to run with and he complained about all the people around that person (just in case he got paired with the person ahead or behind). Poor baby! We all have to do things we don't want to sometimes. I seem to do a lot and he seems to do very little. (He tried telling me how important it was for him to go to my appointment with me tomorrow. Now he has gone to quite a few, but certainly not all of them!! I told him not to worry because there wasn't going to be any change)

Although it is still hot, it has been a bit cooler the past two days and it has really helped! It seems to have brought out my hunger. I think I have eaten more in the last week than the whole previous month. I feel like a human garbage disposal! We will see what happens with my weight tomorrow. I will just say that I am swollen if they comment. I will have a different nurse weighing me since I am seeing the midwife and hopefully she won't be judgemental. Obviously if you look at my chart you can see that my weight has changed very little from the first to the current weigh in. We will see, we will see...

Hey, my mom called and said that she cancelled her hair appointment for Saturday and is going somewhere with one of her friends instead! I was so excited. She claimed her stylist cut her hair too short last time and she needed to give it a bit longer, but really the answer was that she had a better offer. She said she would be happy to come or change her plans if I needed her. Thanks, but I'm good. I have to work Saturday and there is a going away party for a (now) former coworker in the evening. I have offered myself as a DD so I have to be there. I did tell people they would have to ride around the car seat though cuz it ain't coming out now!!! Then Sunday we have a retirement party for a physician that has been in our community for 35 years. I am so sad to see him go. He is one of the last of a dying breed. The sad thing is that he really doesn't want to retire, it is just all the bullshit at the hospital administration and new surgery center has him saying enough. His last day he spent with us in the OR and he keeps sneaking back because he misses us. We miss him too... The sad thing is, we know things are only going to get worse before they level out. We just don't know what kind of time frame we are dealing with.

HOT!!

Today is my day off because I have to work Saturday and I miss work. Even though the rooms there are unusually hot this year (not just to me) they are still cooler than this damn house!!! I have good news! Out of the $450 in bras I ordered there did manage to be two that I think will work. I already have them washed up and put in my bag for the hospital. Everyday that bag seems to get heavier and heavier. I need to have this baby soon because I am going to have get a larger bag out if I don't!

It is supposed to be a bit cooler for the rest of the week and I sure hope it is. I am hardly sleeping at night with the heat, my ginormous body, my bladder and my aching hips and back. I have noticed a difference in my short term memory in the past couple of weeks. It seemed to start just after my face seemed to balloon out. I either don't recognize myself anymore because I have don't remember what I look like or my face is as puffy as my left ankle! I am leaning toward the puffy thing. I will say this morning I flooded the freaking bathroom because I turned on the water in the sink and plugged it to wash out my stockings and walked away to grab something. I forgot all about it. It was probably 10-15 minutes later I was in the kitchen (cooking of course so I had a burner on) and I thought I could hear water dripping in the basement. I at least had the sense to take my eggs off the burner before going to investigate and holy shit there was water dripping down out of the ceiling! I immediately realized what I had done and I moved a lot faster than I thought I could up those stairs! I just thought it was too bad that I went to all the work to mop the floor and wash the rugs on Sunday since it happened again today.

Did I mention how hot it is? Man! I was sad to see another blog I have been reading for sometime went private. I don't comment often on some when I feel like I don't have a lot of insight on their journey, but I read along and feel for them. I don't always feel like I have the right to comment because in the end I didn't have the same struggle or have to endure the things they did. It still makes me sad, like I lost a friend though. You really start to care about people and their lives even though you will never actually know them. They open a window into their struggles and their souls to you. It is hard to not want to see them through to the end. All I can say is good luck...too late.

Tick tock, here we wait

I had a terrible time sleeping last night. It is so stinking hot and humid at night in our house. Sometimes I am lucky if I can make it 2 hours without having to get up to go to the bathroom. Each time I wake up the hip that is down is just killing me too. Not much I can do I guess. These are some of the "normal" parts of pregnancy that I actually get to experience.

When I got up this morning you could see and taste the air in the room. What do I mean. Well, we have two windows in our bedroom, one on the north and one on the east so we do occasionally get some cross ventilation. So this morning it was incredibly foggy outside. It was also foggy in my bedroom. I have never seen that before! The fog was so think you could taste it. Actually for just a moment I was afraid there was smoke in our room, but that was only a split second. Funny, because now the humidity is back down where it should be for these parts, below 15%. It is also 100 degrees, but at least it isn't humid.

I didn't manage to go out before my charge nurse because she was back today, but she was actually in a very good mood. Apparently she feels better! Good, I'm glad. I would be so happy if this would last a week! We will see.

My sister called me yesterday afternoon and that surprised me. I talked to her while waiting at the crappy cell phone place on Saturday morning so I wasn't expecting to talk to her again so soon. She had just gotten off the phone with my mother and she felt she needed to warn me and get me prepared. I have to call my mother and set some boundaries with her. Great, she just ignores you! It is funny, in a pathetic sort of way, I was asked as an assignment in nursing school to "draw my personal boundaries." How the hell do you draw that?!? I didn't know. I didn't do the assignment. Part of the problem was that I had such poor boundaries. Well, working as a nurse for a few years has helped me establish a few. So has maturing, period. I still have the tendency to go out of my way to help my coworkers and be accommodating, but I have some very clear boundaries as well. That is something we all need to have, right? So I am going to have to slam down a wall with my mom. Mike and I have been extremely accommodating to our families. We work very hard trying to please everyone and some how I always seem to come in last. Not Mike, just me.

Anyway, with my sister coming I knew my mom would take advantage of the situation. I don't expect my sister to travel all this way and have my mom only live an hour and a half away and have to two not meet. I knew I was going to have to put up with my mom as did my sister and still she was nice enough to plan to up and help me. There in lies the key. She is coming up to help ME with my new baby! She is not coming up for a family reunion. My sister said that my mom is planning on picking my sister up at the airport on Saturday and then everyone will stay at my house for the weekend and my mom will go home on Monday evening. No, I don't think so. My sister asked my mom is she had talked to me about this. My sister informed my mom that maybe she better talk to me about this before she makes any plans. Like I said, I knew it would be inevitable, but the first stinking person my sister sees when she gets off the plane is not going to be my mother. I am going to have to inform my mother that she can come to my house on Sunday, but not Saturday. My mom was telling my sister that they could share my spare bed or that my mom could sleep on my couch. Well, she may sleep on the couch on Sunday, but not Saturday. We will see who will be more stubborn. My mom can chooses to ignore your wishes sometimes or she decides that she will be offended. I guess she will just have to be offended, because it just isn't happening. I think I deserve to have a say about my life and my house guests. I would like my sister to be able to have a day of "peace" (whatever that is when you have to travel and then coming into a house with a newborn) before having my mother shoved down your throat. I feel like I owe that to my sister.

I have to get up and move. I took my support hose off when I got home and now sitting here in this chair my left ankle and foot are swelling something awful. I can't wait for that part to be over!!! Mike looked at my feet last night and actually got up out of his chair so I could put my feet up. Did that mean he helped me do anything else? No. I cleaned the entire bathroom and kitchen. I did a ton of his laundry. I put together the swing. I cleaned in Jake's room. I moved some things to the basement. I went on six walks with dogs. I FINALLY got the car seat put in my car. I finished writing thank yous and I wrote a bunch of cards among other things. What did Mike do yesterday? I'm not really sure. I know he slept until almost noon (but he did get home from work at like 2am). I know he went to visit his friend I can't stand and he hung two curtain rods in the baby's room. That is all I know he did for the entire day yesterday. There was much sitting in the chair. Some talking on the phone, but it seems like a whole day wasted. I think he spent all of today sleeping until I came home and he went to work. Oh well, I guess...

OB visit 38w3d

So I got another pat on the shoulder and told not to worry about having a baby next week while my doctor is gone!!! No change, just a growing baby. I was just looking at pictures of tiny little quads and thinking about the giant baby I am going to have. I can't imagine holding those tiny little things! Won't be a problem here!

So no change in my cervix at all but at least they liked my blood pressure this week. This morning I woke up with terribly swollen fingers and I told them. I felt like my fingers were going to pop while I was at work and I was really worried about what my blood pressure might be. So, since I am surrounded by equipment to monitor vital signs I took my bp a few times today and for the love of God! The highest I got was 117/62! It was only slightly higher than that when I was at the doctors office 118/70. So not going to get induced for that! That is alright I still have a lot to do at work. The problem is that we are so short right now that I am having to work really hard. Not good. I get so stinking tired, but my body seems to be holding up! I just can't bend over and I can hardly reach anything anymore because my belly is so stinking big. (just ask my mother)

I have been an emotional wreck this week. I came home from work two hours late yesterday because I was trying to get some things done just in case I was given restrictions today. As I was driving home I started feeling horribly guilty about being gone from work to be off with my baby! I needed my head examined! Then I felt overwhelmed with guilt that I wanted to put work a head of my own child. So then I started crying and it just kept happening from there. I came in the house and my husband was really crabby and so I cried. I went and got dinner for him and then I needed to go buy some cards but I couldn't find the list of what I needed to buy so I cried to forty-five minutes! Today was one coworker's last day and next Saturday is another one's last day. I like both very much and I wanted to get them cards and a memento of some sort, but it proved to be too difficult for me last night. So I went after being told the boy ain't coming out today instead.

Then last night I went to bed and struggled to read for awhile. I got up to go to the bathroom one more time and that is when my husband came home from visiting his parents. He had some pictures on his phone that he showed me. A stray puppy showed up at his parent's house as he was trying to leave. The puppy was skinny and dehydrated and had a bloated tummy. She was whimpering and exhausted. Mike gave her some water and tried to give her something to eat. He gave her a little attention and she laid down at his feet and let him scratch her shoulders and she feel dead asleep like babies do. Mike said she was pretty young. He called the police to get her to the Humane Society and he actually ended up meeting the policeman there with her. The thing about her was that she looked exactly like my Molly did when I got her. So that got me crying again. She also melted the heart of my big grouchy husband as well. Even though he gives my dog a hard time it really tugged at his heart how much she looked like my dog and how she trusted him so quickly. He actually wanted to bring her home! He said he wished we lived on a farm or acreage and he would have brought her home. He felt bad leaving her and went to check on her today. He has yet to buy one thing for his son, but he took a bag of puppy food and a toy to the pound today.

I actually don't feel ready for Jake to come. Some how I doubt I will ever be ready, but I found myself hoping for another week. I still enjoy watching him and he makes me very uncomfortable a lot but I still want him in there. I have things I need to do. Mike has a lot of things he needs to do! I just know the longer he stays in there the harder it will be for him to come out. My doctor won't consider talking about induction yet. Not until after next week and I'm not scheduled to see him again until the 24th. Next week I will be seeing the midwife at their office so I will be interested to see what she says.

So, I guess I keep going to work. I keep coming home exhausted. And I keep trying to get crap done around the house! My doctor did remind me that I told him way back at the beginning that I thought we would have to tell Jake to come out or at least he was going to stay in a long time. He also said I was right that I was going to have a big baby. Some how being right this time doesn't feel good.

Damned

I seem to be damned if I do and damned if I don't. I guess I am a touch emotional today. I had a reasonably hard day at work and I was hoping to come home and relax but that isn't the case. I even tried to get my husband to go to a movie so at least we could get out of this hot house and someplace cool where I can leave this world behind and get lost in another. So, my issue is I miss my husband now terribly when he is gone. I want nothing more than for him to be home with me. He is home with me having done nothing today but spend $200 and the afternoon working on the car that was to save us money. I am pissed. Less so about the car and more so about all the things that need to be done in our house that remain unfinished.

He did have to work last night and didn't get home until about one thirty I think. However, he spent six hours of his 12 hour shift in the depot in a comfortable chair watching TV or napping because his train wasn't ready. It sounds terribly strenuous I know. So I worked an 8 hour shift doing things that are physically difficult for me and I went to the chiropractors. Then I came home and even though I really really didn't want to I walked my dog about half a mile in the 95 degree heat. I came in absolutely exhausted and sucked down water and a then peeled off my support hose only to be greeted with whining. Mike hadn't taken his dog out since I walked him this morning. Did he get his large ass up out of the chair? No, his largely pregnant wife managed to roll her fat ass off the couch to walk his dog. Now I need to stop whining myself and go do dishes, finish my thank yous, and keep working on organizing things in the nursery that is still not fully put together. I was stupid and decided to make thank yous since I spent all this money on the stuff my SIL sells. What and idiot! I spent six hours working on them yesterday and that was mostly just writing them. I worked on making them the week before! Well, there certainly won't be anything I made sent out after Jake comes. Those people will get Hallmark! I'm just so frustrated because there are so many things that still need to be done that I can't physically do. If I could, they would already be finished and it pisses me off. It makes me resent my husband and that is really bad. I just want to shake him and tell him to stop being so lazy, but I know the hours he works really take a toll on his body. I know he has a hard time knowing if he is coming or going sometimes and he just needs to take some time to recover. He just takes too damn long!!!!! I can't stand to think I am married to a lazy person, but it seems to be true. Things only get done if they are important to him.

We made it

We made it through the shower. It wasn't too bad. My MIL was actually pretty relaxed for her. My SIL and MIL seemed to get along fine and all went pretty well. My MIL was a little miffed that more people from my work didn't come but as it was we had the perfect number of people to fit on the patio and no one had to sit out in the bug filled grass. I still feel bad for my poor FIL. He really did a lot of work getting things cleaned up outside. I am sure he did it all too. Poor guy!

We got lots of good stuff. I think we have close to enough diapers to make it through the first month. Funny, no else thinks I am going to have a small baby either! My mom was the only person that bought newborn diapers! It was really hot though and that made it a bit uncomfortable. It also kept the guests from lingering, but I suppose that was fine. Everyone was out early enough to get whatever they needed to do for the day done, including me. Actually, I wanted to do nothing, but instead I went shopping for necessities. I wanted to get started on thank yous, but I was too tired. I also wanted some time to myself, but my mom lingered at my house until quarter to nine! By that time I just assumed she was planning on staying the night again. (she just does whatever she wants you know) She kept caring on about how much the baby has grown since she saw me on Monday. At least she isn't saying "look how fat you are" or "you are huge!" You can still hear what she is saying even if for once in her life she is choosing appropriate words.

My sister is worried about me getting my bag ready for the hospital and has taken it upon herself to help me pack all the way from New Mexico. Actually that is fine, because I don't know what the heck I really need and she has done this three times. So far my bag only had some underwear I bought that I hope will fit afterwards and all most of the toiletries I would need. I have been trying to figure out what I need to do for bras and she told me exactly what to do and that I had to get them ordered yesterday. I have been looking, but again I am having bra troubles. I need the instruction guide for my body. I don't have a clue what size I will need when these things start making milk! Then again you have the problem that it seems like no two brands size the same way and I was lost. I ended up ordering more than $450 in bras. That was for 10 bras. Three different styles, but several different sizes. She told me I should take a bra that fits me right now and one that is a cup larger. I am hoping with the 10 bras that I can find two that will work! I don't understand why sizing isn't more universal when you get past a D or DD.

I seemed to have a lot of trouble with things coming off my registry. However, I didn't get anything in duplicate that wasn't fine to get (lotion, wash, wipes, etc) I did have to go through all the gifts and go back and mark things off myself. The thing is, someone would buy several items and half of them would be recognized by the computer system. Like I said, it worked out fine for me, but some of the guests seemed to be a little frustrated. I know I made at least 10 adjustments. That isn't very helpful of the store is it? I can understand if someone forgets to hand in the paper or if two people happen to be shopping at the exact same time.

Well, off to do some laundry. That is what my mom really wanted to do last night. She wanted to wash all my new things and fold them and organize things for me. Have I ever mentioned when I was little and my parents were getting divorced my mom had a pretty severe organizational OCD? My mom still finds great comfort in folding. The thing is, my MIL didn't write down very well who gave me what and I kept everything in the bag with the card so I can make sure and write appropriate thank yous. (funny how I only got two things that didn't come in gift bags!) My mom was just itching to dig into those bags and pull out all the onesies, towels and wash clothes, blankets and clothes. I was torturing her by keeping her away. Maybe she shouldn't have implied a half dozen times that I have become a whale.

OB visit 37w3d

I sat in the waiting room and watched all the people go back. The waiting room was full and all the people that were there when I arrived should have gone back before me right? What about the next eight people that came in after me? Those were the ones that bothered me a bit.

I don't feel very good today. I am very tired. The humidity is killing me and I'm not getting much sleep at night. I didn't have to work terribly hard at work today which was good because I just didn't have it in me. I am worried about Monday though because I have a big day. I am getting tired of the big days. Thursday I had a big day as well. I am still trying to get everything taken care at work and I don't think people understand how much I have done or how much I still need to do. There are a lot of people who don't realize how much I do or what I do for them. Some how I just know that my charge nurse will be a big bitch and call me and ask me if I took care or this or that while I am off and then be nasty. The thing is she used to take care of some of the things that I do now and I think she misses having her hand in everything. However, she isn't doing those things now for a reason! So, I still feel a tremendous amount of stress to get things done to my liking. I know the world will go on without me, I just know I can make somethings go better if I get certain things done.

So I actually was 2 pounds above my first visit today. Then I went to the bathroom so I don't know how that actually comes out. So officially I have gained weight. They are also officially concerned with my blood pressure. It is always better when I take it at work then when I am sitting in an OB exam room. Funny how that works. Besides they make you get on a scale, go to the bathroom and then climb your fat pregnant ass up onto a table and immediately take your blood pressure. You don't even get to rest for a second. But still my pressure was 120/90 and when I take it at work it is 110-118/60's. So even though it is usually a bit higher at the office it has never been 90 and with the increased swelling in my feet I may not be pregnant much longer.

He told me to rest as much as I could this weekend. He was with me on my big day Thursday and he could see I didn't feel well today. So hopefully with some rest things will be better next week. We will see. I came home and told my husband and he says I have to take it easy but then tells me all these things I need to take care of. Then he yells at me when I start doing some of them. Then he gets mad when I ask him to do something because I can't. It makes me tired!

And here we go...

Mike and I finally got the crib together last night! There is now actually a place to lay our baby if he were born now! His room still needs to actually be put together and the curtains are being made this week, but things are going well. The curtains are kind of important, but everything else is just decoration and I doubt Jake will mind if something isn't hung up yet. A crib!!!! It is sitting out in the middle of the room to make it easier to get to both of the windows, but it is fully assembled all the sheets are on!

The results came back on my co worker's baby and they didn't find any diagnosis. They recommended some things to watch and retest in a few months. The thing now is to just get as many calories in him as possible. I think this is good new. His mom is taking it as good news, but it still doesn't explain why he has gotten so small. Interesting that two woman I work with have had babies with failure to thrive. The older one is 18months now and might be 22 pounds. I remember when they celebrated his 20 pound weigh in but I can't remember how long ago it was, maybe 6 weeks?

So, the shower... I understand things aren't going so well on that front. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS!!!!!!!! My husband won't let me say this out loud because he knows I was right that it wasn't a good idea. My MIL and SIL are at each other's throats I guess. My SIL's husband is a truck driver and she went out with him last week. She doesn't want to come back now. She wants to keep going. Her mother is saying that the shower was her idea and she has to be here to help. I knew this was going to be bad! My MIL is all pissed because not very many people have called to RSVP. I said I had no idea how many people would come and a lot of the people I work with don't believe in an RSVP. They don't know if they can come or not until it is time to actually go. Whatever. I did have someone tell me yesterday that they tried to call for several hours and the phone just rang and rang. Hmm, they have an answering machine I know. I told my husband so he called his dad to make sure the machine was on. This is when he found out that his mom was on the phone for more than 4 hours telling his sister she had to get her ass back here and help and she wouldn't answer the call waiting! My FIL is pissed because he had to take off work this morning to drive about an hour away to pick up my SIL because they were going to be driving by on their way from Oregon to Illinois! GREAT!!! I knew this wasn't going to be good. No one has given me any crap at work, but I knew it wasn't going to go well with my MIL! Mike also let a little piece of info slip that I don't think either of us were supposed to know. My sister feels guilty because she can't be here to help so she has now become a "sponsor" for the shower. Nice! Again, we couldn't help but think last night with all the drama that has gone into this, that it would have been more useful for us if no money had been spend on the party and instead on a present. We aren't trying to sound greedy, but it comes down to what we need. We need baby stuff, not a bunch of crazy women!!!

Oh, BTW, my mom stopped by the other night just so she could make sure and see me one more time while I was still pregnant because she didn't know if she would have the opportunity again. She kept telling me how much the baby has grown. Yes, I know. She kept saying it, until she actually finally said "you have gotten really wide." Thank you mother! I was still two pounds in the hole at my last weigh in. I thought I would cross over last week, but I'm sure I will this week. My friends and coworkers are nice enough, at least, to tell me that if you are standing behind me you can't tell I am pregnant. (they didn't add that I have to be standing still, because there is no doubt when I walk!!!)