Messed things up now

Today I have a migrane and still my ass is plunked in front of the damn computer. It started a couple of hours ago with seeing the lights. I guess they are "auras" or "halos." To me, it looks like I have been staring at fluorescent lights for awhile and then you look away or like a flash went off in your eyes. I don't always see the same thing in both eyes. Usually I don't and today there is something quivering in my left peripheral vision of my left eye. It got better, but it came back damn it. I took some migraine medicine right away but... I didn't even have pain in the beginning, now I do. I want to strangle people who say they never get headaches. I am oncall today so I can't take a narcotic and just go to sleep. Actually, I am going to lay down in a little bit and try to go to sleep. I am oncall until tomorrow at 0700 when I have to work an 8 hour shift and then I am oncall again Sunday starting at 0700 and not off until Monday morning at 0700 when I will be working another 8 hour shift. This is my long weekend and it sucks. Soon we will have another RN on our weekend though and I will only have Fri/Sun call every three months. That will be nice.

I am depressed today. That started before the headache but it sure hasn't helped. I love going to visit my nephews but it always hits me how much of their lives I miss. It sickens me to think that their neighbors probably spend more time with them in a year than I do. I only get to see them about twice a year. I guess I should feel fortunate because this is the third time I have seen them this year. It is hitting me harder now since I want my own baby so badly. I know at this moment I am over-reacting, but what if I can't ever get pregnant? I just think of all the events I missed out on for the boys. I have only been there for one birthday out of the three boys. I took care of the two older ones when my sister had Ben. I knew it was my last chance to be there for her so I was. It wasn't easy with my job though. I just want to be closer to them. I thought very hard about moving to Texas while they lived there. I am glad now I didn't since they moved after 9/11 when my BIL company shut down. I have pestered Mike about moving down there quite a bit, but with his job being so good here...

Great!!!! I just finished this post with about four more paragraphs and some pictures and I don't know what I pushed and it is freaking gone!! After much work I managed to recover this much. I bled my heart out. Well I guess my headache has just gotten the better of me...