Why???

This week has been hard. I have been really tired working my regular shifts again. I had to work three late shifts this week and that always wears me out. The week has been rough other than that. One of my friends and coworkers had a terrible thing happen in her family. Her brother-in-law committed suicide, sort of. He was found hanging in a garage. He was cut down and resuscitated (they got his heart beating and he was breathing), but then he had terrible swelling in his brain and he was declared brain dead. After much fighting and drama he was taken off life support and he died. I won't go into it, but he was seriously messed up and constantly in trouble. He has caused much division in his family because some people didn't want him to be apart of their lives, like his brother. He was 25, never married, and left behind four children (with three mothers). The youngest is about two weeks old now. My husband grew up with my friend's husband. They were good friends when they were little and grew apart as they got older. They both work at the same place and so forth. Their lives and their parents' lives have crossed for years. Everyone has really felt for them this week. I am planning on going to the funeral tomorrow even though my husband can't. I have talked on several occasions with mom and other brother.

Today I just keep crying. I feel very worn down and discouraged. I have spent this entire pregnancy waiting for whatever is next. I haven't been able to relax and enjoy. It just seems to be one thing after another and I just keep getting by. This week I have really been able to feel the baby move. It has been different than before. It doesn't feel like flutters but more like jabs and kicks. That makes me feel better. These movements are more often and last longer. I still only feel them when I sit down and am quiet or when I am trying to sleep.

And so the next thing... I had trouble sleeping last night. I went over to my friend's house last night and took her some food and stuff. Some how there are at least ten people staying at her house without her control, or her husband's. There were more than 20 people there when I showed up. It was just very weird. This family seems to be very weird. She and I definitely see this being the outsiders. Anyway, I had nightmares about staying at her house and trying to help her with all these people. I had to get up a couple of times to go to the bathroom, our phone rang at 0400 calling my husband to work, and I just couldn't get comfortable because I had a pain in my neck. I only got about three hours sleep, which doesn't help with the crying.

My neck still hurt when I got up, of course, and I had hoped the shower would help. I don't know how long I stood under there with the hot water on it. It really hurt. I went to work and went about my business with my crappy neck. We had an unscheduled break in our schedule and we had time to get some breakfast from the cafeteria. Today was one of the days I was really hungry so that was great. I got a big glass of juice and I was having problems drinking it. I couldn't seem to get my lips to work right to suck the straw. I looked in the mirror and did a little neuro exam. I stuck my tongue out nice and straight. I smiled at it felt a little funny. I raised my eyebrows with out difficulty. I smiled again and this time I showed my teeth. The muscles the left side of my face didn't lift like the right side. Crap. I set up for my next case and went looking for an ENT doctor that was working. I told her about my neck ache and my difficulty sucking a straw. She had me do the same exam. She said I probably have a virus and it is affecting my facial nerve. I said it couldn't be from sleeping wrong and she said now I have a virus and now I have to wait. I have to wait and see how bad it gets. I went to find her a while later in between cases and asked if this virus was something that could hurt the baby. She was with her partner, who happens to be her husband, and she talked over the problem with him. I had to make faces again and so on. She told me it won't affect the baby. They both agreed that I shouldn't receive any sort of treatment UNTIL/if the whole left side of my face is gone (neurologically speaking). Maybe this won't happen. How long will it take? Hours? Days? Weeks? What do I do then? Two days, call one of them, and then we will see IF I can take the medications because of the baby. What is it I would have to take and how long may I have this paralysis? An antiviral medication and high doses of steroids. Not everyone takes the medicine and it eventually gets better, USUALLY. I can expect, with the medication, it will take SIX WEEKS. I thank them and go have a break down. I couldn't reach my husband. I am still believing that I slept wrong.

I got myself back together and went back to the people I was working with. Ironically, I was taking out gallbladders with the surgeon that took mine out four weeks ago today. I bawled again, mind you there was someone else there actually doing my job. I am still supervising an orientee that is almost ready to be on her own. So she could what we were doing today without me. I am there just in case. So I had another melt down. Aside from the orientee, the other people in the room have children about my age so they were very parental. It is nice to have a some sane parental advice sometimes.

So now I wait. It has progressed so that I am having trouble now with my lower lip in addition to the upper. My forehead acts like it got some botox. It still moves a little on the left but not as much and is very heavy when I try to move it. Blinking my left eye is getting harder and harder. It still blinks, but the lower lid doesn't come up to meet the upper and my eye keeps getting dry, that is until I start crying again. I can still talk and close my mouth, but the center of my lips is pulling to the right. Everything feels normal to the touch. I just can't make them work right. It is like I have a freaking lot of Novocaine except the dentist hit more than just your mouth. My hearing keeps doing weird things and then gets normal again. Now I wait and cry.

How much can I put my poor baby through? I wanted to do everything right. I have wanted nothing more than this. But is he going to be okay? It isn't just one thing after another for my body but for his too. What is all of this doing to him? At least we are out of the first trimester, but surely his little body can only take so much and be okay, right? I am just so scared. How are you supposed to just sit and wait until half of your face doesn't work? Then what are you supposed to do for then next 6+ weeks. And then what? What will be the next fucking thing? Sure the vomiting and the gallbladder crap were because of being pregnant and I was able to handle that. Obviously I will have to handle this too, but why now? Why can't the little guy just get left alone to grow? Are they really sure that this virus affecting me neurologically won't affect him neurologically? The OB on call today is only person in my OB's office that I don't feel good about. I just don't know what to do at this point. I just want Tiger to be okay.