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Yesterday I was on call. Surgery is closed on Sundays except for emergencies and there is a scrub and circulating nurse on call. I was called at 0700 to come in to do a case at 0800. Technically 0700 is when my shift starts, but if a Dr has a "scheduled emergency" they let us know a head of time. We all have different jobs and different understandings of each others jobs but for GOD'S SAKE IF YOU HAVE A CASE THAT NEEDS TO START AT 0800 WE NEED MORE NOTICE. Our required response time for emergencies is 20 minutes. It never takes me that long and I am usually the first person there getting everything gathered together. On Sundays it really is just the two of us (plus two anesthesia providers). We come in, we have to figure out what we are doing, get what we need, open the sterile supplies, make sure the surgeon is actually at the hospital, and then seek out the patient after anesthesia has seen them. That is where you never know what you are going to get. It seems as though the other areas you get the patients from don't do anything to get them ready until you are THERE. Then they have things "saved" for when the patient goes to preop. After hours, there is no preop. That is why they were given the orders. So you have to "help" get these things done. Now some areas are better than others, some people are better than others but this step of getting the patient can take a VERY long time - 30-40 minutes sometimes (on occation it has been an hour). So off in our Dr's Lounge is a surgeon waiting thinking we are sitting drinking coffee. Anyway, our patient was in the room at 0817 yesterday and the whining had already started.

Anyway, we did our case. Then we have to wash the instruments and clean the room. Hopefully, you are lucky then and you get to go home. Or, as the case yesterday, you wait to hear from the surgeon because they think they have another patient with the same problem. We didn't have to do the case, but we waited to hear for about 45 min. Then I went home and AF was here. I knew it was coming, I knew this wasn't going to be the month again. It didn't stop me from sobbing for an hour. My husband found me about 20 minutes in and tried to help. He was really supportive and said all the right things. He could get me calmed down to the hick-up crying but then I would start back up again. He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but really he is a big teddy bear. He said he would do anything takes. I don't think he has a clue about this journey we are embarking. I know he wants to make things easier for me. He doesn't want me to stress so much. I don't want to be so stressed. But that isn't happening. My life isn't suddenly going to be completely different. I'm not sure who doesn't have a high stress job? If you know, clue me in on it.

I had to go back to work two more times yesterday. In between, I put up the Christmas tree because a fit was thrown that the tree wasn't up yet. He sat and watched me assemble the tree. No offer of help. I work on laundry and I blubbered. The puppy threw up and then I threw up. I didn't get home until after midnight and I had to get up at 0530 to get to work. I was having a hard time today. I kept hurting myself because I was tired I think. I have pinched or banged just about every part of my body. I very carefully selected my words when I asked my charge if I could be relieve at her convenience. But I just can't win. She did end up getting me relieved but it was after telling me that I had to stay unless I thought I absolutely couldn't do my job. Of course that wasn't the case, I am just very tired and if there was someone extra I would go. That is what is SUPPOSED to happen. Whatever. I was suprised when someone came about 30 minutes later to get me out. Some people whine and bitch about going home after call. I don't ask unless I am really tired or there are so many extra people you are tripping over them. It doesn't matter. I am just very frustrated with my job. There seem to be different rules for different people and you never know what the rules are going to be.

I know some of my problems are hormonal at the moment, some are sleep related, but I just feel so beaten down. I don't feel like there is much fight left in me. I am so disappointed. At least now I can drink! That sounds like the LAST thing I need to do. Tomorrow will be better. The thing is, I think I am tripping on pebbles right now and I think this I see boulders ahead. Maybe not, but I think my optomism and hope are have suffered a severe hemorrhage at the moment.