Waiting

Yesterday I wanted my surgery to be today so I could get it over with. Today I didn't want to leave work because it meant the next time I came in it would be for surgery. It is weird and scary to see your own name on the surgery schedule. Everyday I see 30-40 names on the schedule, but to see yours... I don't like it. I am still scared. I just want the baby to be okay. I don't have another ultrasound scheduled until April 10 and that sucks! I really wish that after I wake up and am able to remember things we could just have a little ultrasound in my hospital room. Just a little peak to make sure the baby looks good. That isn't going to happen, but they will check heart tones periodically. I still wish it wasn't me. Today I feel really good too. My head keeps thinking "well, maybe I am better now." Well, the first "attack" lasted about 10 days. The second one seems to be over but lasted a little longer. I know that there would be another if I don't do this. I know it, but... I also know that next time it could be worse and it is safer to do it now when there is still more room to do the surgery. I'm still scared.

I feel awful being off work too. My friend is still off and will be for several more weeks because of her hysterectomy. Then last weekend another coworker's daughter was in a very, very serious accident. She was flown to Denver and is still in the ICU there. We don't have any idea when she will be back. I just feel bad because I will be off for at least two weeks. I am one of the people that always helps pick up the slack and now I feel like I am making worse. I know I have to think about my health and the baby's, but I still feel bad. The sad thing is that there are so many people that I work with that don't give a shit. Most of those are people that are new. They don't care about our department, they only care about them. I just can't believe some of these people. They come to work with us and then do nothing but bitch about how we do things. Then "we" have to bend over backwards to try and come up with solutions that make "everyone" happy. Some one felt the need to rock the boat, maybe three - four years ago, and people are STILL mad about that. I am getting so that I don't even want to go back to my job. That isn't an option and probably won't ever be. I'm the one that pays all the bills.

I need to finish all the chores that I don't know when I will feel up to doing after surgery. Sadly, there are a lot!