I tried and I'm tired

Obviously I am tired because I find it funny that "tried" and "tired" have the exact same letters just tossed up. Jake kept napping yesterday. Actually he is kind of doing it today too so I better hurry and wake him up again. Anyway, I got Jake to bed last night and he slept for four and half hours straight. Problem? I never went back to sleep after we got up at 0345. He was messing around about eating. He would nurse for fifteen minutes and go to sleep and I couldn't rub or poke or tickle him awake. So I would put him in his bed and less than five minutes later (if that) he would be awake and wanting to finish his meal. Then the dogs and one cat started whining on me. I got Jake asleep long enough to be walking a dog before 5 am. Yuck! Then I had to serve another mini meal before I could take the second one out. Man do I wish we had a normally fenced yard. I could save at least fifteen minutes every morning. I think about that every single morning too. We have tried to figure out a way to fence off an area within the fenced yard but with the layout of the yard it just doesn't work. Anyway, since I was up so early I managed to get myself and Jake ready to go to church. Many of the church ladies had yet to meet Jake so they were all tickled!

So that is why I am tired, now about trying. My mom was gone from last Sunday to Thursday for a work meeting. I called her Thursday evening. (I even missed most of Betty so I could talk to my mother!) I called to invite her to come to my house Friday after work and she could spend the night and be here in the day Saturday and then go home. She was just tickled about it. She hasn't seen Jake since the eighth and we knew we were living on borrowed time. I thought it would be better to invite her by my terms rather than just have her show up on her terms like she so loves to do. Anyway, she was very happy. Friday Jake was awake almost the whole day and I was having trouble getting things cleaned but I was getting there. My mom called around 4 to tell me she was sick and wouldn't be coming. Have I ever mentioned she is a hypochondriac? The last time we know my mom worked a full five weekdays was the week Jake was born. That is not unusual. I can't imagine having her as an employee. She calls in at least three times a month. Crazy, isn't it? Anyway, so she was calling to tell me she wasn't coming Friday night but would Saturday if she was better. I was like wait a minute here. So she said she was just probably run down from the work shop and it was probably just her sinuses and all she needed was a good night of sleep. This was after she said one of her coworkers at the training had been sick all week. I told her we could talk about it Saturday morning. She was coming anyway because she gets her hair cut here and as long as she could stand she would be coming, but at that moment she was having trouble standing because of her head. What?!? You can't stand because your head is so bad and you think you should come hold my baby?

So I was mad. I called my sister and vented to her. I told her I wasn't going to let my mom come but I did think that maybe she could reschedule her hair appointment for the next Saturday and she could come visit us then IF she was well. So I called her back after I got off the phone with my sister and she got all pissy with me! Well of course she would be better by next week and she was not going to reschedule her hair appointment because she had already rescheduled it once. Then she said she just wouldn't get to see her grandson again until he was two months old and his other grandparents can see him every day! Well, his other grandparents have only been seeing him once a week. Anyway, she drives me nuts!

So what happens? She calls Saturday morning (and wakes me up by the way) and tells me with the most pathetic voice she could muster that she was wasn't going to be coming down and she called and rescheduled her appointment for next damned Saturday and she would see me then! Grrr!!!! I tried. I don't think I ever said all the things she did when we were trying to have Jake. I am trying to forget how she blatantly ignored the boundaries I thought I established. But I don't remember if I typed this or not. She said that it felt like I was having her first grandchild because it was the first time it was real to her. I have THREE nephews! But she only saw my sister pregnant once with the third child and they live so far away so this is like her first grandchild. OH MY GOD!!!! I will NEVER tell my sister this and I tell my sister almost everything. I got mad at my mother for saying it. How dare she! My sister keeps telling me I should move and I wish we would/could! Oh, but I do love my mother even though she is certifiable.

Weighing in

It was so nice to get to go to OUR doctor yesterday. She is very nice and a good doctor. She is kind of quiet but takes her time with you and really listens. So for the important stuff! Jake weighed in at 10lbs 14oz. He is now 23 and 1/2 inches long and his head is 16 inches around.

I have been worried about one of his ears because the external ear (the part that goes in where your ear canal is) isn't normal. It is comes out instead of going in and the opening to the canal is pinches and more of a slit than a circle. I had a ton of ear infections as a kid and so I have been worried about his ears. The opening to the canal is actually a bit more of an oval than it was two weeks ago and she said the canal is nice and open so hopefully this won't increase his chances for infection.


Last night we had an awesome night. I got more sleep than I have in a really long time and I got it all in my bed. When we did finally get up today this was the face I got. I put him in the chair with the good old boppy while I dashed in to pee. When I came back he smiled when I walked up to him. I know babies start smiling for real at about one month, but I wasn't sure if it was for real or not and then he did it again and again. I didn't manage to catch the best ones on camera but I still got some pictures. Now I can't wait to get giggles.


The one problem with all the sleep we got last night is that Jake doesn't want to sleep today. I think he has managed to sleep maybe an hour since before eight this morning when we got up. He is crying in his crib right now and I am hoping he will settle down and go to sleep. I am terrible about picking him up as soon as he cries so I am trying to let him go a bit longer in hopes that he will sleep or at least settle himself down. He has settled him self down a lot today. He would cry while sitting in his bouncy seat but then he would stop and watch TV. I have a couch potato already! He loves to watch colors and movements. My sister said she will send us some of her collection of baby ein.stein videos for him to watch so it isn't Op.rah talking to transgendered teens. That is probably a good thing!

I can't take the crying any longer. I have to go pick him up.

4 Weeks today

My little boy is four weeks old today! I can't believe it. On one hand it seems like it was just yesterday that I was being riped in two pushing him out and then on the other had it seems like it has been much longer. Maybe it is the total lack of sleep but I can hardly remember my life without him.

His poor little face is still terrible. It doesn't look too bad on these pictures and I am hoping it doesn't look too bad on our family pictures. I took these after he had his bath tonight and his hair was still fuzzy. I love that. His hair has started falling out and that makes me sad. I was expecting a bald baby and all, but I have really come to love his hair. So far it is just the spot on the back of his head where their little heads rub against whatever is behind them. The thing is, that is exactly where his wound was and it looks awful. I think it is just temporary, I hope. He also has a pimples on that area of his scalp and it just looks terrible. I'm sure it will be okay, right?

We have our four week appointment tomorrow morning. I can't wait to see how big he has gotten. It feels like he has gained a lot but we will see. He seems to be in a growth spurt right now and both very tired and hungry. I am looking forward to when we can give him a little cereal before he goes to sleep so his tummy is full longer. I am just really looking forward to seeing our family doctor instead of the other one. The day I got a wee bit upset when they said we were going to have to stay two nights in step down my husband called and left a message for my doctor. He said I was really upset with how things were going and that he wanted her opinion and he thought I needed her support. She was down in my room (during the middle of her morning office hours) within the hour and was there for at least fifteen minutes. It made me feel much better. She wasn't very happy with the doctor over the NICU either. He told her we were going home on Tuesday and here it was Thursday. She called and said she could understand why he wanted us to stay one night but two was uncalled for regardless of whether Jake lost weight overnight or not. Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing her. Plus I have this rash that is driving me nuts. It started on my tummy the last month and moved to my thighs right after Jake was born. It is very itchy and now I have it on my lower legs, upper arms, and tonight it appeared on one of breasts. It has long been gone on my tummy though. They told me it was hormones in the hospital. Okay, well it is now driving me nuts and I scratch without thinking.

Not yet!

Today I had to go in and sign up for shifts at work. I wanted to cry. I have been having nightmares about going back to work. I don't want to leave Jake and I don't want to go back to the stress of my job. I have been sticking my ear out there a little bit about some different jobs but I don't really want to change jobs either. I don't like the work at the jobs I have seem available with "normal" hours. I would be bored to death, but I would be able to take my baby to daycare and pick him up everyday. The other issue with those jobs is money. There aren't many other places I could work (even within the hospital) where I would make the same money. Of course with all the changes that have happened I may not make as much money in my department from now on either. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to leave my baby. Not yet and maybe not ever. I wish I could have the option of working one or two days a week, but I don't... I guess I had better go buy another lottery ticket then.

First car trip for pictures

We went and got our pictures taken this morning. My husband says we are crazy because we drove 80 miles one way just to get a few pictures snapped. I keep telling him it will be worth a drive a lot longer than that for the quality of pictures we will get. Jacob did great. He slept the whole way down and back. He wasn't too bad for the pictures either. A little crying and we had to stop to give him a bottle. We had to stop for some clean ups too. He was naked for all the pictures and well, things happen. We hadn't even started five minutes when he pooped on my leg. Then he the other leg got peed on a little later. She had him posed laying on his tummy and he started wiggling around. He peed again.

I was so happy to get this photographer. I called before Jake was born and they said they would have to try and work us in. They called while I was in the middle of a crying fit at the hospital to tell me they just weren't going to be able to work us in. Like I said, I was already crying and I told the photographer's assistant that I had meant to call and tell them that Jake was in the NICU and we weren't sure how long he was going to be there so we wouldn't be able to just come when they were able to fit us in. So it just seemed that was how things were meant to be. The assistant was super nice and wanted me to call and just leave a message when Jake got out just so they would know. We talked about when to make an appointment for his six month and year pictures so we would get in. One day when I was walking to my car from the NICU to go home for lunch they called and said they felt so bad they would get us worked in. She likes to get the pictures done earlier than three weeks but we will take what we can get. I was so happy. It turns out the assistant had a baby born at 34 weeks and had a 4 week NICU stay. Her baby was here at my hospital and she had to drive that 80 miles every day plus she had two other kids to care for. One of the photographer's kids had also had to have a two day stay in the NICU so they knew how miserable it feels. I just can't wait to see the pictures. They are pretty expensive but this is something so totally worth the money to me.

I get an email today that a new charge showed up on my hospital account. It was Jacob's bill. It isn't itemized or anything and it only covers the hospital, not all the doctors too. It was a horrible number but not as bad as I thought it would be. It didn't have my hospital bill on there though so I'm sure it will be much worse. It was more than I paid for my SUV when I bought it but not a lot more. Thank God for health insurance. Between the two of us we are going to have cost our insurance between 75 and 100,000 and the year isn't over. They can't drop us right?

My men

I love the men in my life very much. My husband has been wonderful since Jake has come home. When we were in the hospital he tried to not be there as much as possible. Mike is almost phobic of hospitals and I was hoping this good experience would help him feel better. He did pretty well with the two wrist surgeries I had but we were in and out of the hospital in a very short amount of time. He was pretty nervous about my gallbladder surgery but, after all, I was pregnant.

This experience just helped reinforce his hatred of hospitals. Actually, it is just that bad things happen in them for him. His dad has had multiple hospitalizations that have resulted in LONG ICU stays and have involved multiple surgeries. I don't blame him for getting panicky. I sometimes feel that way, but it is more that I just really don't want to go to work, usually because of someone.

So Mike would go up with me every morning to see the doctor and visit Jake and then he would go up every evening, usually to take his parents to visit. But he didn't hang around for most of the day like me. Sometimes he was there longer than others, but in general, not for more than an hour a day, unlike my 12 or so hours.

Anyway, Mike has been wonderful. He has been helping a lot. Every night he lets me go to bed around nine or ten and he takes care of Jake until one or two in the morning and then it is my turn. There is usually a lot of crying in this time frame. Mike has gotten Jake to actually sleep in his bed instead of just on me. For the first week he would only sleep on my chest in the chair at night. He might sleep in his crib in the day but not at night. That makes mommy very tired! One night I even got to sleep in my bed for 6 straight hours. It was a dream!!!

He helps me give him his bath. He changes lots of diapers and he gives him most of the bottles that he still gets. What is the common theme here? MIKE IS STILL HOME FROM WORK!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE all of his help. It is wonderful, however, no work equals no pay! It has been a month now and I am freaking out! He has got to go back to work. The crappy thing is that he keeps telling me he won't help me like he has been when he goes back to work because he needs sleep. That is true, but so does mom.

We go and get our pictures taken tomorrow and Mike claims he will sign back up for work when we get home. Some how I see it stretching into Saturday and then to Monday but we will see...

I can't get over how much Jake looks and acts like Mike. I keep asking if I have any genetic contribution in this child. Mike says he has my chin. I asked which one since he has two. He certainly has Mike's temper, which isn't good. It is calm to majorly pissed in less than 2 seconds. I see this face a lot. Sadly, it is the same only hairier on my husband.

Three weeks old!

I can't believe how time is just flying since we have been home. It is just too damn fast. I feel bad because there are days when we are just trying to make it through. The ones when you didn't get any sleep, you can't seem to brush your teeth enough, and you just want the baby to go to sleep so you can get something - anything done. Most days aren't like that though. Most days I just feel like a milk machine for a hungry boy!


This was Jake just a couple of hours before they took him away to the NICU. That was so horrible.







We didn't take any pictures of him while he was at his worst. Hopefully that image will fade in my mind because right now it feels like it is burned into my heart. He was the only baby in the NICU that was in a warmer. The rest were all in bassinets like this one that he got to move into. Thank God there weren't any in isolets while we were there. While he was in the warmer they would hardly let me touch him (or so it felt). I couldn't pick him up unless his respiratory rate was less than 80 which was a difficult for him for a bit. Because he was breathing so fast he wasn't allowed to nipple anything. Everything had to be gavaged so he didn't aspirate. Then when he finally did start nippling it just exhausted him and he would only take a little and then the rest would be gavaged. The doctor said he needed to have 70 ml of formula every 3 hours. At his best he would only take 35 by nipple and then he felt full and stopped, that was after his breathing became easier. So then they kept putting it in the tube. Well, this is why we thought we were never going to get to come home. In the mean time I am trying to establish a milk supply when I have yet to have my son nurse. We tried before he went to the NICU, but it never worked. The lactation specialist was gone because she had taken time off around the holiday and I was failing terribly. When they took Jake away from me they brought me a pump kit and said "here, start pumping every three hours." So that is what I did. Come to find out there was a long list of instructions that could have helped me a lot that I did get from the lactation lady the following Tuesday when she came back.

Anyway with a ton of work and lot of help we finally got nursing. But then we had to still supplement with formula by gavage. See these chubby cheeks and double chin? My son that was born at 9lbs 9.7oz topped out in the NICU at 10lbs 7.6oz!! That is crazy. I know there was one day where I was nursing him and then he was getting formula that he gained 3 ounces in 24 hours. I am frustrated with the Dr and the lactation lady really helped me out. Obviously this was crazy since it is normal for a baby to weigh their birth weight at 2 weeks! Mine had gained almost a pound in LESS than one week! So she chewed on the NICU nurses and chewed on the doctor as well. It took a couple of days, but they finally agreed to let him eat when he wanted. Then in the night the nurses were still tube feeding him! I was so frustrated. I thought we were never going to get out. So finally he was nursing or getting mostly breast milk while I was gone and he started dropping weight. Duh! That is normal, and still we had to argue with the doctor.













They finally let us move to step down where we had to take care of Jake in a hospital room all on our own. (I was so pissed because the only reason we had to do that was because it was our first child). The doctor said he wanted us to do two nights! I had a melt down. Mind you, this doctor always manages to come talk to me while I have a child latched on to my breast! He also waited until Mike left the room for this discussion because by this time, Mike truly looked like he was going to kill the doctor. The doctor wasn't stupid. Anyway, we discussed that we would only have to stay one night if his weight was stable. Of course Jake lost just a few grams that night, but it was terrible. We were doing everything we could to stuff milk in this kid before that last weigh in. We felt like we were being held hostage.

Then to finally come home we had to agree to breastfeed and then give him a bottle after every feeding. We had to have home health come to weigh him every other day or we had to go into the doctor. It still felt like we were being held hostage, just at least we finally had comfortable chairs.

The formula they gave us was making him terribly gassy when he was getting both formula and breast milk. We had a really miserable night one night and I cried with him. The home health nurse was awesome. She also thought the doctor is a bit excessive with Jake's weight gain and was supportive of me when I decided that I wasn't going to give him one more damned formula bottle. So for a week he has only gotten pumped breast milk in his bottles. The doctor did give us different formula to try and he did get two or three bottles of that and he did have less gas, but Jake seems to like the taste of the breast milk better. So then when we went to the doctor on Friday I never lied I just was very careful about how I answered the doctor's questions. It was then that he said we could just give Jake an extra bottle when he wanted one and we could just give him breast milk, because after all breast milk is best. Holy crap! So many of us were trying to get this across and finally the last time I saw the doctor he says this! He wanted us to come back to see him in two weeks, but I asked if we could start seeing our regular doctor now. His feelings seemed to be hurt a little, but he said yes. So we were released from him on Friday and then we were released from home health on Monday. We are free at last!!!!!!

And we're off...

So we went in the morning of the 28 for an induction. I get my IV started and blood drawn. The blood clots so lab has to come draw it and the girl was an idiot. She stuck me twice with my fully loaded pregnant veins and couldn't get any blood. The next woman comes in and is out of the room in less than two minutes. Now that is service!

So the doctor comes in and says, "now you know this doesn't always work the first time." I now hate those words with a passion. Jacob's head had dropped more and it pushed my cervix around posterior where it had not been before. Now the nurse couldn't even reach it and so I didn't get checked until the doctor came over at lunch time. The pit got started at 0830 and I started having contractions almost right away. They gradually increased the pit and we plugged along. The contractions weren't too bad. I thought I might just be able to make it through this. So my doctor checked me at lunch time and was not pleased with my cervix at all. It hadn't changed and was still so far back. Now he says that I should have come in the night before for cytotec. Of course my cervix wasn't like that at my appointment the previous week so he said it wasn't necessary. I am not so happy. I am damn upset because I want to have a baby!!!! The pit keeps going up the contractions stall some and pick back up. I change nursing shifts and we start discussing what our plan of action is going to be. I am upset again. I want this baby to be born, damn it!

So we decided at 1700 that the pitocin is going to be shut off at 1800 and I am going to be monitored for awhile, fed, and sent to a room to get two doses of cytotec through the night. There are lots of tears at this point. I wanted a baby not this. My husband tells my mother who has been out in the waiting room and she manages to get her way back into the delivery room where I don't want her. She will be back earlier tomorrow she tells me. Great!!!

So Mike gets to go home and sleep and I am stuck in a hot room with a quarter of pill shoved up to the cervix no one can reach and stuck on a monitor. This is when I am supposed to be "getting some sleep for my big day tomorrow." Mind you, I had called over and talked to someone at work because I wanted to know which doctor was on call. The answer was not mine of course because he was on the day before. He told me he would stay with me as long as he could, bastard (sorry I am a bit bitter still).

They had to cancel another induction for Wednesday since I didn't deliver. I am so sorry to that woman. I can only imagine how I would have felt if I had gotten that call. I got my second dose of cytotec around 0500 and they wanted me to stay in bed as long as I could without getting up and going to the bathroom. Hello! I am 41 weeks pregnant and they have an IV going at 125 an hour. I had asked if we could turn it down to TKO but I was told no. I don't quite understand that because I was allowed to drink as much as I wanted. Anyway, I made it the required 90 minutes before going to the bathroom and the last 30 I had been suffering with bladder spasms. I was dying! So I got up and peed for about ten minutes and I started contracting. They hurt a far amount like when they shut off the pit the evening before. (when they shut off the pit they had hyper stimulated my uterus and I was having three contractions back to back that were lasting five minutes and then I would get a minute off and start over again). So I started contracting at about 063-0645 and they kept going. I had to stay in bed until 0800 and then I got to get up and take a shower to get ready for my big day. They had a c-section and another induction starting so they made me wait awhile to go back to the labor room which it didn't matter because I was already in labor.

So my cervix had moved back around and had thinned almost completely and I was having adequate contractions. My doctor came and checked on me and so did the doctor on call for the day and her resident. Not so happy. This guy is from South Africa, I think, and his social interactions are much different than those of most Americans. So the doc on call breaks my water over the lunch hour. I am in much more pain than I was the day before. I am actually quite miserable. They had set up an epidural for me I just had to wait until after my water was broken and then the call would be placed to anesthesia to come and put it in. I know very well that sometimes it can take awhile for them to have someone available to send someone over to OB so I was a bit worried and accepted the offered Nubian. That made me goofy. As luck would have it, there was someone available to come over immediately to put in my epidural. Actually, there was no luck involved, it was a very kind coworker waiting to come put in my epidural because they knew I would be getting one soon. It wasn't a perfect epidural, but it was still wonderful! I was able to get some rest finally. The best part was that our phones had to be shut off with the epidural pump and so for the first time in many days there was silence. We were unreachable!

Things kept progressing and by a little after 1720 I was complete, but still didn't have the urge to push with the epidural and all. The nurse wanted me to start pushing and the doctor said to just wait until I felt like it. My body would keep working and Jake's head still had a ways to go. So we waited and at 1745 I decided that I wanted to start pushing. I couldn't wait any more even though I still didn't feel pushy. So I pushed and pushed and pushed. I couldn't get his head to come around so the doctor got out the vacuum. She weighs all of about 90 pounds (you think I'm kidding and I'm not) and wasn't strong enough to help pull him down. So at 2000 she brought up c-section. Now I was absolutely exhausted at this point but I was not going to let this woman cut me. I was mad because my doctor bailed on me and I thought that wasn't going to happen. Then I am left with the one, the only one I didn't want.

So she says c-section and some how I managed to gather all the strength I had left in my body and I pushed Jacob out. He was born at 2023. He was absolutely covered in meconeum. The cord was around his neck once and he got a horrible wound on the back of his head from the suction cup. Mike didn't get to cut the cord because they were worried about his lungs. I barely got to see him pass by to the nurse. Mike was still at my side looking all the way across the room at Jacob so I told to get his camera and go be with his son.

Mike walked over to the warmer and said "Hi, Jacob" and he turned his head toward his daddy's voice and Mike started taking pictures. This is the first one of his life.















Then he reached toward his daddy.














Mommy watched from across the room as she was getting stitched up. A doctor was sewing until 2130. I kept telling them my epidural had worn off completely and she didn't believe me until she took the catheter out 2 hours later. I kept getting upset during the suturing and she then felt bad. I had a third degree tear, a deep vaginal tear, and a tear to my urethra. That is the one that has really, really hurt!



That scale does say 9 pounds 9.7 ounces. He was 22 inches long with a 15.25 inch head. I am hoping I will be in a better place by the time I get back to work but I keep wondering how things would have or could have gone if I had my doctor there instead. Would he have let me push so long or would he have said enough? Would things have been so stinking traumatic for Jacob and I or not? (the application of the suction to Jacob's head caused some of my internal ripping).



This is the wound that Jacob had from the suction cup. It looks like he has a giant, deep laceration from the cup. As they got it cleaned up better they saw that it was more like a horrible burn. They had to call in the doctor for the NICU to come and look at this wound. He contacted a neonatologist in Denver because he was concerned with a wound like this on the head with Jacob having been absolutely covered in his own stool. They didn't want him to get an infection right next to his soft spot and then into his brain. Not a good idea huh? So Jacob got whisked away from us. The nurse passed by and let me take a quick look as Jacob went to the NICU for all this looking over. They were worried about his lungs too and they took a chest xray. It took two hours before he came back and then when he did the nurse put him over in the warmer across the room from me and left. I wasn't allowed to get up yet and it was me and Jake but there wasn't anything I could do to get closer to my baby. Mike came back and moved the warmer as close as the cords would allow so at least I was finally able to touch my baby. We were in recovery for a long time. Jake had to have a sat monitor on and I bled quite heavily so I had to just hang out for extra time to make sure I was going to be okay. It was awful. I never want to repeat this experience and then it got worse but I will go into that in the next chapter...

We're HOME!!

Hopefully in the next day or so I can get some pictures on here and get a few words written about our little "journey." Nothing has gone as planned or even remotely as expected. I guess that has been true about the entire process of getting and being pregnant. Why should I think things would change now???

We got home yesterday afternoon and now we are trying to figure out what the hell we are doing. We are preparing for the mass of visitors and I am being forced to stuff my baby to the point of his getting sick (not at all happy about this front). But I had to beg and plead, not to mention cry my eyes out, to get the hell out of the hospital. Anyway, we are finally HOME!!!!

quick update

I only have a minute and I can't get the f*c*i!# computer to upload the pictures off of my camera and I am pissed. As we all know I can, I will give a more lengthy explanation later but nothing happened as it was supposed to or as I was hoping for. Jacob Wayne was finally born at 2023 on August 29th instead of the the 28th. This didn't go all that well and my 9lb 9.7oz boy is still in the hospital and I am not. I never ever dreamed my baby would be in the NICU but he is and I am heading up for another feeding right now.

Today!

Today is the day and I am so nervous! I hardly slept at all last night. On top of the nerves it was very hot and humid. I got up hoping to take a picture of the lunar eclipse but it was cloudy out and you couldn't see a thing. I mean how many people can say there was a very rare lunar eclipse the day they were born? A lot probably, but Jake could have been one of them.

It is hard to believe that in less than an hour I will be making one of the most important trips to the hospital in my life. I mean I go there almost everyday, but it is like this is the first time. Mike and I talked and talked last night. He couldn't sleep either, but now he is out like a log. Good thing he does his cleaning up before he goes to bed. He was all stressed out last night about all the things he hasn't gotten done at home and how he is going to get me set up at the hospital and then he is going to run home and finish a few last things. I wanted to smack him up side the head and yell about how he has had more than a week where he hasn't gone to work and he could have, should have, had all of those things done days ago, but I didn't. I just told him he wasn't allowed to be gone long and if I called he needed to get his ass back up there. He detests hospitals. He gets very very anxious there. He feels very helpless and as we all know that is a terrible feeling when we have no control over what is happening. Here is this great big strong guy and there is nothing he can do. He is really worried about me being in pain. I am worried about how he will handle everything. This big macho guy is concerned about blood and the "stuff that comes out." He is afraid he will faint and how will that look and who will take care of me then. I am worried about how often he will have to go out to smoke since he will be so stressed. I tried to get him something but he didn't want gum or patches and said he would take care of it himself. Well, he didn't.

Anyway, we talked and talked last night. We have been together for almost nine years. Mike's birthday is on Thursday and here is his present! I still think we don't have a clue how much our lives are about to change. We are both very stubborn people who like to have things our own way. I suspect we are about to bring another person just like that into this world! Almost nine years of just the two of us. I think our lives are just beginning now...

40w 6d

I don't know how I feel today. I feel some relief in knowing that no matter what this will end tomorrow and then everything actually begins. I don't feel as scared as I have, but somehow I am guessing I won't sleep much tonight. At this point I am so uncomfortable I hardly sleep as it is. I am trying to poke or prod my husband into getting the basement and a few other things finished. He actually has made some progress, but it seems to make a difference when I am sitting in the room watching him. (the pig sticker helps too).

I have been contracting all day, but they don't seem to have any rhyme or reason at this time. My back seems to be really tight all the time though. I keep thinking maybe I won't have to wait until tomorrow but I'm just not there yet. My husband is asking all sorts of questions he thinks that I should have answers for or rather that there should actually be answers for. Like will you go into labor in the middle of the night? Maybe, it isn't like my body will decided that since it is night it should rest instead of give birth. How long will it take for the induction? Don't know every person is different and no two pregnancies that any woman has are the same. He didn't like that and thought I was being smart. I told him I would like to give him an exact time, but I don't freaking know!!! I'm just tired I guess.

I am extremely tired of the phone ringing and people wanting to know what is going on and why did I talk to so and so but not them. Well, so and so called already so I talked to them. When you tell someone that you will let them know when the baby is born you mean it. So if you don't call it means one of two things (to me at least) the baby hasn't been born or things may not be going well and they haven't had a chance to call and let you know yet. I keep thinking about putting a message on our answering machine that just says we aren't taking any calls at this time and don't call us we will call you. Both of our cellphones have been ringing constantly, even emails. I find texting and emails are more pleasant to deal with. Some how the people don't seem to be as rude. And why are they being rude to us anyway? WE ARE WAITING TOO!!!

40w 5d

I can do it right? I can push this boy out even though he keeps getting bigger every single day right? I hope so. The thing is, I help fix things that happen to women's bodies after pushing these babies out. Some of them it is because of how many they had, some because of how big the babies were, and some... just because. I'm just a bit scared.

I survived my mother yesterday. She showed up before her hair appointment to drop off a cake she had made and to tell me she was going to the doctor before coming over. The first thing she said to me was "you aren't as big as I thought you would be." Gee, what a compliment. I guess that is better than saying the baby has grown so much in the past two weeks in the fashion she said it before.

We managed to keep her visit to less than 6 hours I think. We wouldn't really let her do anything, but what that meant was that we really didn't get to do anything either. It felt like another wasted day. Then after she left we got in a fight because Mike "went to the basement to work" much of the visit, but what he really did was take a nap in a chair in the basement. So things really didn't change at all down here. Little has been accomplished in a week. He made a comment to me about something I bought for the house, that it wasn't the right thing, and I apologized and said that I was just trying to help. Then he snapped at me and I cried for two hours I think. So I cry and he gets mad because I am crying. Great! We get a lot accomplished that way.

I drug my bawling but out to the store at 730 last night and spent a fortune on picture frames. I want to get some family pictures put up in Jake's room today and I needed to get some new or additional frames. That seemed to help dry my eyes up a bit. My face looks so swollen and puffy as it is, I know I had to really look great at the store! The left side of my face that is still trying to recover is a lot worse than the right side. It almost looks like I have had dental work done or I need to have dental work done because that cheek is so much puffier. Nothing like a never ending pregnancy to make a gal feel sexy! Everything is swollen from your toes to your face, the veins bulging in your legs and your husband is well aware that he isn't going to be able to have sex with you for the next six weeks. So he just makes sure to turn off all the lights and make sure the curtains are closed tightly so he can't see you at all...

Back to the never ending pregnancy. One of the doctors I work with lives up the street and he likes to play farmer. He has a bunch of horses and a couple of fields and a collection of crap like you have never seen. I am debating waddling up to his house and seeing if I can ride a tractor around for awhile to see if I could jostle myself into labor. The nasty gravel roads haven't done it but maybe the actual vibration of a tractor or whatever would do the trick. I suggested it to Mike yesterday and he wasn't keen on the idea. The lawn needs to be cut today, maybe I could ride the mower for awhile, huh? I don't know but I think I will go do some laundry, vacuum again, scrub the floors another time, and hang the pictures in Jake's room. He may even see it one day!!!

I guess the only good thing here is that this buys me a bit of time with the photographer, right? And maybe after they make me labor for hours upon hours and I will have to have c-section because Jake has grown to 18 pounds. So then he will have a nicely shaped head for such pictures. Funny, the last two people I know that went to this photographer did have c-sections after laboring for hours with their first baby (also boys). Both of those boys were over 9 pounds at birth!

Grrr....

I am trying to remember right now that I really like my OB and that I see him for all of his knowledge and experience and crap. I am miserable. My back hurts, my feet hurt and I am ready to be done. I am terrified of getting Jake out and each day that passes makes it worse. My OB wanted me to come back and see him next Tuesday and do a biophysical profile and then do an induction on fricking FRIDAY!! That is when I started crying and said I don't think I could wait that long. I told him the baby would be 25 pounds by then! He said that well we could do it on Tuesday if there weren't already two inductions on the schedule for that day if that is what I wanted. NO, I want TODAY!!!! He checked the schedule while I got dressed and continued to cry on my husband. Thankfully at least there weren't already two on for the day. Then as I was leaving he gave me my pat on the shoulder and said there was about a fifty/fifty chance I might not have to be induced by then. He was pleased that I had dilated since I had seen him last.

This is not what I was hoping for!!! I know he is not big on inductions, but I am over due now. I didn't ask him to schedule one for convenience. Now it is about having both of us make through with the least amount of injury for Pete's sake!!!! Dear God, help me! I need some strength here. I need strength and patience. I need a lot of both to make it through my mom's visit tomorrow! My husband said he might go over to his friend's house tomorrow night and "drink some beers" because he doesn't want to be here around my mother. Ok, she can't stay that long and if he goes out drinking then I WILL go into labor and he will be drunk at the hospital like he was when I electrocuted myself just before my birthday. I talked to my sister and she said I need to make some brownies and drink half a glass of wine! The brownies sound really good at least.

Soon to be Mommy and Daddy

Here the pictures Mike took of us last weekend. That is the first time I have seen Mike's face look so excited since he was telling everyone at Christmas that we were pregnant. I don't get that face. If only he got so excited about things like the nursery and getting the house done. He literally got just the front enough of the side yard mowed so that we could take these pictures. Anyway here we are thinking that in fact this pregnancy may end in delivery any second! Oh how we were wrong! We will see what happens at our appointment today. Maybe he can make my body do something because I don't know if I can make it another weekend! I forwarded an email yesterday afternoon, well after my normal time to be off work and I got a reply from my mom wanting to know what I was doing home from work! Are they making me stay home now?? Funny thing is, she is the one that should have still been at work! Anyway, she said that she will be in town tomorrow to get her hair cut and she will be by my house to help me! I will say that she did help me when I got my gallbladder out so I know it is possible, but 99.9% of the time it isn't so. If she is truly helping me then she is probably stepping on Mike's toes and he is trying to hide from her. She then thinks he is a terrible husband because he isn't there when I need him. Well... he and I may have a different set of expectations for him as a husband, but he isn't as bad as my mom thinks at least. No one is good enough... not Mike, not even me and as my sister likes to remind me, I am the favored child.

Still...

We had horrible storms last night. Tons of rain and terrible winds. We are still trying to assess our tree damage in our yard. We do seem to have some though and we are concerned about the biggest of the trees in our yard. There are a few branches on the ground under it, but the thing that concerns us is that there are branches now hanging nearly to the ground. They weren't like like yesterday. We tried to see if there was something split or detached and we can't see anything, but why are the branches hanging more than six feet lower than yesterday? We just took our picture under this tree this weekend so we know there was plenty of room to stand under it. We just can't see any injury, but these branches go up about 20 feet.

So the barometric pressure changes didn't make Jake come out. The midwife rubbing my belly yesterday and trying to talk him out didn't work. I did go to work this morning and I left about 1130. There were only 2 ORs with cases and there was enough staff for six rooms plus me as extra so there was no point to my presence. I walked and walked at work. I lifted things and just did my job in general. Nope. My OB was about the only surgeon working today and he kept asking me if I was in labor yet. Nope. I came home and had to force my husband to have sex with me. Yeah, I mentioned sex and the next thing I know he is stripped and in bedroom wanting to know what is taking me so long to get in there. That seemed to wake Jake up, but that is all. He said if he had too he could probably do it again later. Of course he is now sleeping in his chair after get his back adjusted because he is in so much pain. He isn't supposed to do anything for at least a couple of hours. Like he needs any encouragement! Anyway, then we went out to lunch for Mexican and I ate food as absolutely spicy as I can tolerate it, and I can do hot food. That just elicited a bunch of kicking. Then I went shopping and wandered around and around the store. I never registered for or bought any burp clothes at all so I thought I better go pick up some clothe diapers to do the job. I seemed to end up with quite a lot of stuff for just some diapers. I just kept thinking, this will be the last time I will be able to go shopping at will all on my own. So all that walking didn't help either. I did buy a sling to carry Jake that I thought looked like it would work pretty well for dog walking, rather than taking the stroller for a 10 minute walk! I got some other stuff too.

Yesterday I drove down one of the worst gravel road I know, twice. I should go now today since it rained last night and then again today. Problem is, the road isn't as safe now... So I think I will take another long walk with Molly. Thank God it is cooler today because I am getting to be miserable most of the time. I was actually able to sleep for four straight hours last night without having to go to the bathroom and I apparently rolled over without waking up too.

I am scared and keep wondering what I have done and question my sanity. I cried for two hours last night. I was so tired and stuff needed to get done. Mike didn't do shit. He spent an hour on the phone with his dad going back and forth from the breezeway watching the weather to watching TWC. I was just pissed. I was very frustrated because I wanted my husband's time and help. I am worried about how much he is going to help me. He obviously doesn't do much to help me now and that frustrates me. Here I am 52months pregnant (or feeling like it) and I am cleaning the floors, scrubbing the bathroom and doing dishes.

I got some news today that wasn't what I was wanting. There is a photographer about two hours away that I really, really want to take Jake's newborn pictures. She does absolutely amazing work and I didn't call her soon enough. She is extremely busy with Senior pictures right now and is "double booked." I want her to take his pictures more than anything. They wouldn't tell me no for certain but they weren't sure we could be worked in. Since you most of us don't know exactly when we will give birth she won't schedule anything for you ahead of time. So I have to call when Jake finally comes and maybe, just maybe she can work me in. There are several photographers around that do a good job, but these pictures are so far above and beyond what they do and she doesn't really charge more. I don't know if we are going to do this again. I don't know if we just figured out what we needed to do to get pregnant on our own or if Jake is just a very precious gift from God, a one time thing. I don't know. I don't know if we will have this opportunity again and I want to have these amazing pictures to cherish for the rest of my life. Stupid me for not calling sooner. (although I haven't know the photographer's name for very long, even though I keep seeing her pictures around).

Anyway, I have laundry to do, a walk to go on, and I will probably find something else to scrub. Scrubbing something always seems to help when I am upset. Plus I still haven't finished Jake's baby blanket. It has been way too hot to be having yarn in my lap!!! I won't be going back to work again until the end of October!! I can't believe it. I almost cried as I was gathering up my things today. Even though I complain a lot about my job, I really do love it. Some of the people piss me off, and there is a ton of stress, but I do like it. At least some things should be worked out by the time I get back with the schedule and the surgery center sucking the life out of us.

I see my doctor tomorrow afternoon, unless - God willing - something happens between now and then! Please don't let me make it through the weekend!!!! So maybe I won't be writing for a bit!

Not yet!

So you would think with the HUGE weather front we are having that my body would kick into action. But no luck so far! I just feel miserable in the humidity. I "worked" today. I did do work but I am starting to feel a bit useless. I did get quite a lot accomplished. There really isn't anything else left for me to do that I HAVE to do. Well, there is one thing. I still haven't filled out my leave of absence papers. They are so damned confusing, for a reason I'm sure. I have had to fill them out with each surgery I have had, but I am a bit confused as to how to do it now, especially since I will have medical leave for six weeks and then family medical leave for an additional three. My boss only yells at you about them so I need to go to HR and have them help me. I have another thing there I need to take care of as well so I just need to get there. Technically I don't have to have the paperwork done before the baby comes, but within a few days. Anyway, I just need to get it done.

I took Molly for a LONG walk tonight and it did nothing for my body. I am irritated with my husband for accomplishing almost nothing in the last three days and I just can't bring my self to have sex at this moment. I am still going to mop the floor and va

c the living room and dining room tonight so maybe that will do the trick.

I took these pictures last week I think. I felt like a whale then and I know it is worse now. I don't remember if I have mentioned it but I got bit on my tummy a couple of times and so I scratched the bites. Then my already sensitive skin got irritated by my support hose and now I have been dealing with heat rash from the edge of my hose down for like the last six weeks. I itch so stinking bad. Some days there are big blisters in my beautiful stretch marks.

Funny, the "kiss me i'm irish" should be over my belly instead of my breasts. Jake is a lot more Irish than I am! Stubborn little stinker!

Not yet!

Yes, we are still pregnant. I have almost everything tied up at work and will be as finished as I can be tomorrow. Actually, there is nothing right now that can't wait for a week or three since there I still have the ability to go up there or call. I just like to have every single i dotted and t crossed. But tomorrow I will do the last of it and then maybe... There are still a few hours left today though. I wouldn't be able to have my doctor if Jake comes today and I don't want the one that is on so... I don't mind waiting until tomorrow. What is one more day at this point???

Still here

Jake and I are still joined at the cord, and a few other things. I am continuing to work because I need to and today they needed me. What a day from hell! I didn't leave until a little after 1800 and there where still three rooms going with little end in sight! I must say that my charge nurse has been very nice to me and I am feeling bad about saying I hoped I didn't have to work with her again until I got back. Her mood has improved so much since she had her surgery. It must have really made her feel better, for which I am glad. No one should suffer when there is something that can easily be done to fix it. That is why we do what we do. That is why I stay late and work extra. Part of it anyway... The bad news is that we found out we are having another survey for two weeks! This time it is the state. I have never seen them come before. We were told that we are their very first stop as well. Great!!! If I still didn't have things I wanted/needed to accomplish I would do whatever I could to get this party rolling. There is still hope that I might go into labor tonight... but somehow I doubt it. Maybe after tomorrow... I think I keep saying or thinking that. I don't know. If I work another 12 hour day tomorrow I won't have to got back anymore. I just don't want to deal with surveyors. I make such a good target too. I'm big and I move slowly.

Have I mentioned that this baby feels HUGE??? I think you start to feel so miserable at the end so you don't care anymore about all the doubts you have about yourself and all the horror stories people tell you. I don't know, but I kind of thought today would be the day work would put me into labor!!!

Hope

I sat waited at the OB office forever today. I was about ten minutes early getting there and I waited for about an hour. I'm guessing the whole day got back logged because there were two doctors and a nurse practitioner in surgery for a couple hours longer than originally scheduled due to an emergency. (Gee I had to suffer for it in the morning and then again in the afternoon!) Oh well...

So the appointment went well. (as previously posted) I saw the midwife today because my doctor was gone. I like her very much. I had a hard time deciding which route I was going to go, to the midwife or to the OB's, when I was making my health care provider selection. I love my doctor, but I always feel a bit more comfortable talking more openly to one of the female doctors/midwife/nurse practitioners. Some of it is because they are women and have actually experienced these things and I think some of it is that they are closer to my age. I don't know (plus their hands are smaller!)

***CAUTION, TMI AHEAD***Looking at my chart, she could tell me that I definitely have had progress since last week. They always ask you about if you have been leaking any fluid or had any spotting or "show" and all that. Of course I have not observed any of these things. But when she did the exam I was already in the process of losing my plug. And she said that I am 1-2 cm dilated, but she could stretch me to the 2 cm without much difficulty. It may not have been difficult, but it was more than uncomfortable. I am also 50% effaced. There is always the difference in examiner and so she said I might have been 1 cm before but my doctor's fingers are just too big to give me that credit. She also said that maybe I wasn't and now I am. Well either way we have progress and she made me bleed like a stuck pig (actually as I said some of the blood was already on its way). I must say I have not missed having blood coming out of my body and am not looking forward to the time after delivery. So she gave me hope! She said there is a chance I might not be pregnant next Friday. She asked how long I was continuing to work and said it was fine to keep going back. She told me to keep having sex (not today though) to help encourage my body along. And she told me she was on call this weekend and it was possible that I might be seeing her. I won't hold my breath to that, but I am at least feeling a bit better that something is happening with my body and I may not be pregnant forever. When I asked about how long they would let me stay pregnant she said my risks of c-section are so much higher with the first pregnancy being induced that they would really rather WAIT awhile longer before making that decision. What!!!! Well, a WEEK TO TEN DAYS after my due date, but I would have to talk to my doctor about that IF I have to come back next week. I would think my chance at a c-section would go up if they waited a whole week because this baby is so freaking big!!! God is still trying to teach me patience. You would think it would be apparent by now that patience is not my strong point!

At least when (if?) I go back to work on Monday I can say I have made progress!