Road trip for photos

Friday we took off after I got off work. I had to pick up Jake, feed him a snack and clean myself up before we could leave. I had been hoping to get out a little early from work but it didn't happen. Jake was about as uncooperative as he could be. Every thing seemed to be moving in slow motion except the clock. I got ready and I stood in the living room and had to decided if we were going to try to make it out or not. I decided that I just really really needed to get the heck out of Dodge even if for just a few hours.

So we hopped in the car and drove to our favorite photographer. She was having a fundraiser. It was "Free Fb Friday." You got your picture taken for a donation to the American Cancer Society. Now that is a cause I support. So we drove 75 miles for a few pictures. She is the best. She always takes more and does more than she says she is going to. She is just such a sweetheart. It was cute because Jake was bashful this trip. He has suddenly taken on this role. He now hugs Mommy's legs and hides. I did that forever when I was a kid. I just think it is funny because Jake has been so outgoing thus far. He knows and loves these women so it was pretty funny.

So a drive gives you time to think. So do pictures that are very nice but not really. I mean the photographer did a really good job it was her subject that was the issue. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about cancer. Biology taught us that normal cells mutate and have abnormal growth and replication. It all starts with one tiny cell. One little cell can suddenly (maybe not suddenly) turn our world upside down. I would say that I see cancer at least three times a week. I mean I literally see this horrible disease at least three days a week. I might even see it three times in the same day, depending on what surgeon I am working with. A surgeon will remove a cancerous tumor and hand it to me to pass along to the pathologist. I will hold in my hand the nasty disease that is taking over some one's body. That can be a little depressing. I mean you can also say that we have cut that nasty cancer out, but it isn't that simple. Removing a cancer is usually just the very beginning of a long battle. It is a battle. Some people we are able to help as in cure. Some people we can only help make their remaining days less painful. This is something that some how weighs on me. I mean, it is like everyday routine work for us. I look around and I wonder if some of these people right here and there think about what this actually means to this person.

Surgery is a bit de-humanizing. Is that a word? I mean, most of the people actually in the OR don't get to meet the patient until they have sedation. Even if you meet them in pre-op before the sedation is given you are not meeting them in normal circumstances. They aren't themselves. They are nervous, scared, worried. They may be in a great deal of pain. We are meeting people at their most vulnerable. Within ten minutes of being taken into the OR the person is asleep or much more heavily sedated. We get them positioned. We expose the area that is that is having surgery and the rest of the person is covered up for warmth. OR's are very cold and thermoregulation is impaired. The surgical site is prepped and then everything but that one area is covered up. You kind of lose the person then. In some ways that is okay. I mean we have to be able to do one thing and then move on and do the next all day. If we let one patient impact us too much it makes it hard to take care of the next. It just feels a bit callus some times. Particularly when you are finding horrible new diagnosis such as cancer. I don't know how oncologists and oncology nurses do it day in and day out.

So anyway, I got my picture taken for a donation and permission to put it where ever you want. Obviously she has her name on it but that is fine. She deserves credit. But seeing my face makes me realize I need to get back to the lifestyle changes I kind of fell out of practice with. I did manage to lose 15 pounds but I have had the worst hormone issues. That isn't a good excuse, but I seem to have significant troubles at certain times of the month. Like the whole months work is undone in that time. I need to find a way to deal with that. I'm not sure what that is yet, but I have to work on it. Some time or another I seem to have lost the sides of my face. It bothers me to have my picture taken because I can see that my face isn't normal. Smiling always makes it more noticeable to me. I can feel that my left eye doesn't open as much as it should and I worry that my smile will be crooked. I know it could be a lot worse but it just reminds me that my face didn't recover as well as most people's do. I guess I don't have the nerve pain so I am thankful for that. I am just worried that it will come back. There is a high likelihood of that.

So then when we were done (I wasn't expecting to get pictures with Jake) I took a picture of Jake with Kelly. Jake has been visiting her since he was brand new and I just wanted a picture from the other side of the camera. Jake was being silly. He was more interested, for the first time, with the equipment than the pretty girls. But I did get a few of the photographer, her assistant, and Jake.

Craziness

Life has been crazy around here. Jake is growing up way too fast. I am struggling to keep myself going. I am definitely back to trying to keep my head above water all week just to make it to the weekends. I hate living like that. I want to be able to find something better about the weekdays to go upon.

Jake is a crazy man. He just goes and goes and goes. He is not a sleeper. Everyday I pray for strength and sleep - mostly for Jake, but if he sleeps... My peanut, well, he has gotten to be just a bit of a thing. I think that is a common thing for "sickly" little kids. What he doesn't have in size he makes up for with will, plus noise. At his 18 month check up he was 24.2lbs coming in at 25th percentile. He was 31.75 inches tall - 50th % and his head is but a mere 18.5 inches - 25th %. The head surprised me. It still looks large compared to the other kids and it takes a lot of work to get shirts over that melon. He has been sick forever. We just finished an antibiotic and there is still green stuff. It is the cough that is so bad. Never ending breathing treatments. Fun!

Jake is into everything. He is still pretty laid back about climbing though. He gets up on the furniture by himself now. He likes to stand on one of his step stools to reach higher. He is super helpful. He wants to help with just about everything. I'm not one to pass that up even if it means a task takes me three or more times longer to complete. I am glad he wants to help. It won't last long. He wants to be outside all the time. He loves it. Snot running down his face and just a going and going outside. It used to be when we pulled into the garage he would ask for a snack, but now the first thing he says is "outside" about two dozen times in a panic. If nothing else we walk down the driveway and across the street to the mailbox and back. We might go for a walk or ride around on his little big wheel thing. I have been trying to work on some of the landscaping since the weather has been better and he has been helping me with that too.

Jake just talks up a storm. "No" is still his favorite word and sure likes "mine" more than I like. But he loves to toss out the "peedis." Yes, that would be how he says pen.is. He will be running along and stop and point and identify. As soon as the diaper comes off, he tells you. When you try to wipe him he grabs it and says MY peedis. That worries me a little bit. Why does he do that? Has anyone else encountered this? It just worries me a little bit.

He is still a horrible eater. He will hardly eat anything besides baby food and he has stopped eating the chicken and veggies. I get so frustrated. He even wants it for breakfast and snack. I always offer him something else. He plays with the food - pushes it around, picks it up and puts it down. When it starts going over the edge I take it away and he tells me he is hungry and I give him baby food. I don't know what else to do. He ate two full jars and a couple of bites out of a third for lunch today! He is hungry. I don't know. I have been making bread and he loves that. I just don't know what to do. I've been told he will eat food when he is ready. Great.

I went to my physiatrist about a month ago. I've been seeing him for my face pain. He had me ween off one of the medications I was taking because I was on a very small dose. (I had trouble taking it in the morning and I seemed to be fine so I just once a day instead of twice). I was still on another medication he put me on and the pain seemed to be controlled. So anyway, he had me stop this medicine. I had two weeks of hell! I had the worst headaches I have ever had in my entire life. I was absolutely miserable. Migraines and horrible horrible headaches. I called the doctor's office and his bitch of a nurse left me a message suggesting I try some ibuprofen. I was so mad. I wanted to know it this was normal and how long to expect it to last. I was to the point were I can understand accidental overdoses because you are in such horrible pain you literally can't see straight and you take something. Then you take more, then you take something else and more. But then one day they stopped. THANK GOD.

I am having a lot of trouble though. I am so tired all the time. Jake won't let me sleep. I have had the crud and am afraid I am getting it back. I know I am depressed. Things are still not going well at work. My boss isn't finished until April 15th but she has been gone more and more. Well, she had at least six weeks of vacation to use up. But I know she is also trying to leave us alone more and more since we will have to stand on our own two feet soon. The charge nurse is getting more and more stressed and has acted very inappropriately. I mean the things she has always done that weren't appropriate are way worse. I am not looking forward to this never ending transition. I mean we have been transitioning, literally, for the last three years. It just keeps getting worse instead of better. Yippee

Mike is a bit stressed as well. The railroad is laying people off every week. My friend that just recently got the PCOS diagnosis, her husband got laid off on Friday. This doesn't not help them on their IF journey. He is still pretty far from losing his job but as they lay people off it means more work for the people still there. They aren't decreasing the number of trains they are running just the number of people running them. It also means he went from holding a pretty good position to have a much crappier one. We are all stressed by that.

Yesterday I hurt my back. Jake and I were outside. I was cleaning out some rock and Jake went running toward the street. There were neighbors out across the street saying how cute he was and he went toward them. He didn't even make it to the sidewalk before I caught up to him but I scooped him up and was swinging him and tickling and I felt an explosion of pain in my back. I don't think that is good. The pain was horrible. I am wondering how people live with this all the time. I haven't been having any muscle spasms. I'm pretty sure that actually isn't a good thing. I think that means disk then. I am much better than I was yesterday, but it isn't good. I have trouble with certain movements. Right now it doesn't hurt at all but if I go to stand up I can hardly do it. Not good. I am going to talk to a doctor tomorrow. I don't know if there is anything I should do like a course of steroids or something. I am do not want to get an MRI and have any further evaluation at this time. I can not have back surgery! Hopefully I don't need it though.

I know I have more to say but I think that is enough for now. I know I don't come here very often any more and I don't think many other people do either. I do still like it because I can speak openly and freely about whatever and whomever I want. I don't have to have a polite filter than I might on FB or whatever.

Pix

Some day I will post. I'm behind. I'm just having a hard time but here are a few pictures. I thought I had uploaded more but I guess they are still on the camera. Another time...

Well...

I had a meeting tonight. A big work meeting where lots of bs got shoveled. We have had so much going on or not going on at work. Everything has been so uncertain. THEY ONLY MADE IT WORSE!!!!!!!!! My boss has stepped down from her position and it will be effective April 15. We all could read between the lines. They pushed her out. I know I have my issues with her but over all she is a good boss. She knows everything. She can do things that no one else in the whole damn hospital can do. Crap. They are going to hire an MBA to now be our boss and the boss over the surgery center across the street. That damn place broke everything! I don't want an MBA telling me how to be a nurse!

The crappier part. I have spoken of my charge nurse before. She is going to be our actual boss. She is going to be the one that tells us what to do and when to do it. She is going to be the one with even more power. She is more than just a charge nurse she was given the title of unit manager five or more years ago. She does go to tons of meetings and stuff. But this is going to be horrible. This is the woman that you can't piss off or you pay for a very long time. When she stopped being mad at me after nine months I got off easy. She is still holding things against people from at least 20 years ago! This is not good ! At least we had a boss above her to go to. Who knows how many years it will take to get that MBA in and they aren't going to be here to deal with personnel issues! We are going to have to go to the vice president that is over us!!!! This sucks mega super huge time! I can't even begin to express the world of hurt we are going to be in for! There are a few things that I hope to see get better quickly but overall things are going to get worse before they get better...

Luck ran out

Well, I have been fighting it, but I am sick. I am miserable with the usual crap. Sore throat, congested, swollen nodes in my neck, cough, aches, lethargy. Ya know, same as everyone else. It took a lot longer than it usually does for me to get sick so I can't whine too much. Poor Jakey is still sick. It was two weeks ago yesterday that I took him in. He is better, sort of. His cough is still bad. He is still coughing, getting junk up and gagging and then the vomiting. So much fun!!! One night I had to clean up his bed twice! Poor guy. We go to the doctor again Wednesday. It is supposed to be for his 18 month check up. Wow, where his the time gone???

Aside from us both feeling a bit crummy today, we had a good day. I really love spending time with him, even if it is trudging through the super center early in the morning to beat the crowds. Jake slept all night last for the first time in awhile. We had a bad week for sleep, which is why I think I finally got sick. We had three nights in a row where mommy got about four hours of interrupted sleep. Not good for trying to work. But anyway, we had a good day. We played and cuddled and took a snooze in the chair. I just love being his mommy. Too bad it didn't pay better, then it would be perfect. I know I would still be pulling my hair out but it would be different.

Jake loves his new room in daycare. I go to get him and he doesn't want to leave. If I get there a little later than normal I catch them playing. They run and run and run around the basement chapel. It is basically a small gym. The room is empty except for a few things for the kids to play on. What I mean is that there aren't any pews or chairs or anything. He just loves to chase around with the kids. I see him and he is the littlest but he doesn't know that. They do a lot more structured activities than his last room of course. The teacher told me she can't believe how well he is doing. They do flash cards and he will repeat every word she says and pays attention to the cards. I have really noticed how much better his attention span and concentration are. I told her he repeats almost any word he hears or at least he tries. She said he does better than several of the kids that have been in there all year and are six months older. Well, maybe they are bored and it is new to him, I don't know. But I do know that his communication is getting better. He still gets frustrated trying to tell you something, bit it is a lot better.

I suppose I need to go to bed. I don't know what the night will bring!!!

Daycare Drama

Last Friday I got a call at work from Jake's daycare. The assistant director asked if Jake could be moved up to the toddler room from the waddler room. (Waddlers are not the little babies but too young to move to the toddler room at the time they change). That is fine by me. Jake plays with the toddlers all the time. He likes to go to their room. They have chapel (which is like gym time) together. He doesn't notice that he is the smallest of all these children. He is every bit as rough and tumble as the bigger, older boys. No big deal. They are "restructuring" some of the rooms. When I went to pick up Jake on Friday I spent about half an hour talking to the head "teacher" of that room. We talked about Jake's eating and allergies. I left feeling good.

He was to start Monday but I was off so he went yesterday for the first time. I didn't get home from work until close to ten last night and he was asleep. Grandma picked him up and no big deal. I dropped him off this morning and the person there that is over the baby room told me there had been some problems yesterday. Really, problems? The people in the toddler room didn't want to feed Jake. They didn't want to mess with baby food. I don't either but he isn't ready to move on yet as hard as I might try. I was told they said they didn't have anything thing to feed him, but all of his food went to that room when he was moved. What? I was told that Jake got brought back to the baby room to be fed because they were too busy. I was not happy. I didn't ask for him to be moved. WTF! They want to feed him the "provided" lunch. We went over the menu. There were three days this month that there was a possibility he MIGHT be able to eat their lunch, IF he was willing to eat that food. No, not going to work.

I went out to my car and cried. What am I supposed to do? This is my baby. I texted Mike a little later and said I was really upset and told him what happened. Daddy was pissed. I told him that I would have to take care of it after work and maybe we need to see what else we can do for daycare. Mike said he was going to take care of it. Oh shit! Great, am I going to have enough money to bail him out of jail? It took some time but he did take care of it. He called and talked to the assistant director. We don't even know the "new" director. She has not made a point of getting out and meeting parents. However, I have not gone and presented myself at her office either. I try to get in and out as fast as possible. So he told her what I had been told this morning. She was not very happy either. He told her that we had provided them with a big list of allergies, as that was also part of their not wanting to feed him anything. She didn't know anything about his allergies. She knew there was a child there with a lot of allergies but she didn't know how bad they are and that his diet is so restricted. She said they didn't have anything in his record about it. Hello??? When he had his testing I went in and spent a lot of time with the director then and the people taking care of him. We provided them with a video about using an epipen and an actual practice pen. No one knows anything about this now.

Thank goodness today is one of the days the allergist comes to town. Mike was able to go get another DVD and another practice pen. He ordered a special bag that hangs on the wall for the his pen and it will have all his allergy information. Mike went to take the DVD and pen up and the assistant director was looking for Jake's epipen. No where to be found. It was there last week. No where at all. She asks each person. What's an epipen? I don't know what you are talking about. EVERY time he has a "new" person we go over his allergies and his potential need for an epipen. Mommy describes what signs might be that he would be in need of such shot. Mike was mad before, but now he is livid. He and the director had a disagreement. Mike offered that he could call the state. Oh no, that isn't necessary aren't making more of this than it is. Never tell Mike to calm down. It has the opposite effect.

Mike went and talked to his dad about this. Mike's dad went and got his boss. His boss is on the board of the church. He called our minister who is the acting director of the board over the daycare. The minister had already had a call from someone that the director of the daycare was rude to a parent and that a "discussion" had occurred. The minister just didn't know which parent. The director had to come introduce herself to me and every parent. She had to apologize to me and to Mike. She had to credit us with the cost of an epipen. She had to make sure every care provider in the daycare sees the video. She has to make sure every room in the daycare had allergy information posted on Jacob. (it was in his old room!) She has to take an interpersonal skills-like class that the church offers. The minister helped search for the missing epipen. She also called Mike and apologized repeatedly. She called me at work and apologized and explained to me what was going to happen. She started to cry, I started to cry. She married us, she sat with us in the hospital when Jake had pneumonia, she held him for over an hour when we had to wait to get Jake's tubes in his ears. She goes and reads to him three times a week. She also has severe allergies herself.

What a crappy day! I trust my son with these people everyday. I trust that when I tell them something they listen. I put his life in their hands. I feel awful. I am assured that everything is in order now. I like the people there. Jake loves them. He gets so excited. He was saying the names of the people working there before he said "mama". I don't know what to do. It is my church. They have one of the best preschools in town. We don't have many options but in addition to that this was supposed to be one of the two places to get into. I still feel sick. I feel better but still.

The best ever!

For the most part our weekend sucked. Jake has been sick still and even worse than when we went to the doctor. He has had BAD diarrhea and been vomiting. He has has no appetite but has been very good about drinking his rice milk. I took him in to the doctor yesterday because he was grabbing his throat and yanking at his ears so much. She said they looked fine. I thought maybe the ear was some eczema. I was afraid the throat was his tonsils but I guess not.

The good news about this weekend is that Jake started saying "love you". It is so great!! I can't wait until it is "I love you, Mommy" but I am happy to take this! He also had his first real bubble bath this weekend. That and will come to you to give you a closed mouth kiss. I just love it. I kept thinking he was sick and I didn't care because I loved the kisses SO much!

I have today off because we only had two ORs running and I didn't want to be in either one. I'm on call tomorrow so that helped me qualify. My big boss let most of the people still come to work even though we are in a budget crisis. (we usually run five rooms and that is two nurses a room). So I went into work this morning because we had our monthly meeting and I took Jake with me. My big boss doesn't have or like kids but she wasn't too bad. Someone usually has a child or two there since we may not be scheduled to work at all or until much later that day. So anyway, the big boss left to go to a more important meeting. Jake decided to be a ham at this time and just stole the meeting. It is actually nice when the big boss leaves because we can discuss whatever bad news she just gave us and come up with a plan. Today she asked nurses to be in charge of the aides. That would be a different nurse every day. The aide that was the "charge aide" resigned and her last day is today. Okay, a nurse to do her job. Alright, so her wage was $10 an hour. Our nurses make anywhere from about $23-$34 an hour. Her reasoning is that we get our hours. That is great that the nurses get their hours but when it is busy and a nurse needs to do a nurse job than who is going to be helping with the aides because that is when they need help the most too? I don't know, I just know I don't want to do it because the aides can be very nasty when ever there is a problem. No one is ever accountable for anything! Of course I think that happens everywhere you turn... Big surprise but we also learned we know nothing about anything regarding the changes to come.

Oh and Jake slept through the night two nights in a row in his crib! He came really close last night too.

Poor me

I have a case of the weepies! AF is back and I seem to be a freaking mess. That and I am still tired from the weekend. I am worried about my job. Everyone at work is stressed out and it is causing deeper cracks in an already crumbling foundation. We keep hearing (reading) statements form "officials" that tell us how nothing is wrong and people aren't going to lose jobs but we aren't idiots. We have different volumes. We have lost doctors. It just sucks. The future is very murky.

One of my friends is having her second baby in the morning. She has been very blessed. She has bad endometriosis and she was told that she it would be very difficult for her to get pregnant, probably not possible on her own. She got pregnant without trying. She didn't even realize she was pregnant the first time until she was in the second trimester. He will be 2 in April. She got pregnant right away with number two when she thought about a second. Go figure! I am very happy for them but it stirs up my weepies. I sat and held Jake and we ate teddy.grahams together tonight and it was wonderful. I loved that moment and I thought how much it made me want another one. In the same second I was back to thinking how could I make Jake share what little time we have? I know it is silly but I just want to eat up all those minutes. I know my husband is a bit irritated with my housekeeping at the moment and it just doesn't seem important. Play with Jake or tidy over there? Read to Jake or scrub all the counter tops? My answer has been, what is wrong with your hand? Okay, those haven't been the exact words but I work as much as he does. He has more "down" time when he is home. He is home alone when he is home in the day. Don't get on my butt about it if you aren't helping. Am I wrong? I do the laundry. I do the dishes. I clean the floors once a week and I try to clean up after myself as I do whatever it is I am doing. My priority is Jake. Gee, I guess I could be cleaning right now couldn't I? But instead I will take my sorry ass to bed since Molly is ready to come in. Oh, I think Jake is allergic to Molly. His forehead was welted this morning and I don't know why. His hair was messed up and I think it was because Molly licked him. I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

Poor boy!

Jake is sick again. He has a sinus infection and bronchitis. I took him to the doctor on Friday and his symptoms got a lot worse after! He hardly ate all weekend. He drank tons, but literally only had a few bites on Saturday and Sunday. I worked 21 hours on Saturday so Jake and Mike were home together. At least for Mike's sake, Jake slept a lot and didn't do much since he was so sick. He also has had a fever since about two hours after we left the doctors office. It sadly worked in my favor Sunday too. I needed sleep and Jake and I laid around and napped together a good part of the day.

Yesterday I was off and Jake was doing a bit better. I was really glad to be off though because he still had a fever and they won't take him with a temp over 100. This morning his temp was down to 100.1 before any fever reducers. They told me he would be okay to go to daycare and when he gets tylenol he is back to himself. It was good to seem him play yesterday after he has really not been doing much. He has been very smugly which is nice.

But since he doesn't feel good, he needs comfort. And to him that means he wants to nurse. He has been almost assaulting his poor old mom! I feel bad for him, but I don't have anything to offer. I just snuggle him and rock him.

I kept thinking they would call today and tell me I needed to come get Jake. They never did. I hope the same goes for tomorrow, because I have no back up! Today I had two. He threw up on me tonight but I think that is because he gagged when he choked on a piece of food. He was eating off my plate and so he threw up ALL OVER ME!!! I didn't get sick and I am so proud of that.

snow and stuff

This has been the driest winter ever. We have hardly had any snow at all, until this past weekend. It started snowing on Friday. By the time I woke up Monday morning there was twelve inches on the ground. That and severe cold. Mike went to work on Sunday so he could only clear the snow until he left. He cleared it twice with the "tractor" and then of course it kept snowing. I tried to start the tractor and I couldn't do it, not that I could work the snow blade right anyway. I went out and started shoveling about 4:30. Jake was in the garage carrying around his snow removal equipment - a plunger and a broom. When I got about half way down the drive way he freaked! I stopped and we came inside. A friend came over about 5 and I went back out to finish the drive and the sidewalks. Where I had originally started already had another inch on it when I had finished the sidewalks. I wanted to cry.


Daycare was closed of course because the schools were closed. Hello? Not everything in the world stops because of snow. We didn't have one single patient cancel because of the weather. A friend's daughter watched Jake since she didn't have school. It went fine but the only problem is that she is a senior and what am I going to do next year? Crap. I opened the garage door Monday morning and cursed. We were up early because we knew it would be bad. I put my car in 4 high and went for it. Scrape. We were plowing the snow as we went. I drive a Trail.blazer. I don't have to drop at all to get in, nor do I have to step up to get in my seat either but the point is my vehicle isn't low to the ground. There had been no snow removal on our street, but as soon as I got onto the highway it wasn't bad until I get to the turn to my friend's street. There had been one swipe down the roads to her house but it still wasn't great. The rest of the way to work was fine until the street the hospital is on and then, of course, the parking lot hadn't been touched at all.

I was all worried about the driveway and how deep it was, but when I got home it was clear!!! My neighbor blew it out for me! Thank God! Well, we think we know which neighbor did it but honestly we haven't been told. I took cookies over tonight to be neighborly and he said that wasn't necessary so I think it was him. It appeared as though the trail of the snow blower lead to his house. They have a very wide three car garage out front so they have a wide expanse of concrete, but it is only one car deep. We however have a double car drive that is three cars deep so we have a lot more to clear. I am so thankful!!

My SIL is applying for a job about ten miles from us. I think that would be good. She lives about 2.5 hours away now. Her husband is a truck driver and gone all the time like up to six weeks at a time. She has lots of friends but all her teacher friends are married and have families so that means they are pretty busy. She has a very young friend that she spends a lot of time with. She really shouldn't. Her friend is 23 and is very immature. They seem to get in trouble together. My SIL is 35 and an elementary school teacher. It wouldn't be good for her to get arrested for some of the "little" things her friend likes to do. Her friend is also bipolar. I know there are lots of people out there that have this very serious illness that take care of themselves and could be living next door or the person working next to you. Well, her friend isn't that person. Her friend likes to drink, a lot. She really likes to drink and she drinks often and large amounts. She also likes to stop taking her medications and then take a bunch of her medication. This girl needs some help. My SIL talked about her friend's stalking problem as if it was nothing. She was arrested! She had to stay in jail! You don't want to know your child's teacher hangs around with people like this. We, her family, would like her to not see this girl so much. Not hang out every weekend and many weekdays. We think some distance might be good for this friendship. It would be nice to have my SIL here for my MIL too. She might drive me less batty then. It would be great for Jake to spend more time with his aunt. That might be a great place for him to go if school is closed right? We will see what happens. She hasn't even interviewed yet

One of my good friends got diagnosed with PCOS today. I have been pestering her and pestering her to go see an endocrinologist because she has this cyst on her pituitary gland. She has been bounced around by several different local doctors but is really only being treated by a family practice. She wants a baby so bad and has been trying for a little over a year now. I keep nudging her to get more help. She has gained more than 40 pounds in the last year. Now she is terribly depressed. Duh! The cyst causes her to lactate and so she has to take a medication to stop that. Her doctor tried several different things to figure this out. She (the doctor) has at least been consulting with some specialists but she needs to say - you should go to a specialist. You don't go to a barber for your wedding updo right? Just because hair is his business doesn't mean he can do everything! Hopefully she will got to an RE now. I talked to her for the hours she was waiting for a glucose tolerance test, which she failed. She got glucophage today.

She has a twin sister. Her twin got pregnant just after I did. Her sister and her lovely fiance smoked dope together and were just your average low lives. Her sister has pulled it together. The fiance is doing much better but still. Your twin gets knocked up accidentally and isn't sure what she wants to do and you are aching for a baby even long before you actually started trying. My friend's BIL was a piece of crap. A lying, stealing, cheating piece of crap. He had four children with three different moms. He never married a one of them. He hung himself. He was going to have to go to jail and he wasn't about to do that. He didn't die, but was brain dead. It was awful. His funeral was April 14, 2006. That was horrible. That was the day I woke up and my face was paralysed and drooping. He had a baby that was nine days old when he failed to kill himself. The baby's mother was only sixteen and I think he was 26. The mother kept dropping that baby off with my friend. She had him most of the first month of his life. They tried to get legal custody of him but couldn't. His mommy is bipolar. She would hand him over, take him back, hand him over, take him back. I think this happened for three months and then my friend and her husband said we can't do this anymore. That poor baby. It was just ripping my friend up. And now, it appears, she is really just at the beginning. I hope if they can deal with her insulin resistance that that will be enough. I hope she will get to a doctor that is giving her the best care and not just doing the best they can. I pray for her. But I will be there doing whatever I can to help her in anyway she needs. I just don't want her to feel like I am rubbing Jake under her nose. I am just grateful that at this moment time is on her side. She is just about to turn 26 even though she seems so much more mature than I am! She seems like a grown up and I frequently feel like I am faking it.

OMG

I think I broke my baby! Jake's bottom was a little red so I put some cream on it. I forgot to buy more of the cream I like yesterday so I put some we were given as a shower present. I think we have put it on him a time or two but it is a funky color and I don't like that so I don't use it. Besides, we have a cream that works well for us. Anyway, I put Jake in his chair to eat and I was cleaning the kitchen and getting my own plate. For once we were eating the same thing! Jake is just pushing the food around. I don't think he tried it at all. He threw his fork and spoon on the floor and was whining. I brought him applesauce (he loves that word!). He repeated applesauce a few times but wouldn't eat it. He asked for his milk so I got that for him and he drank some milk. Then he drank some of his juice. He was whining more. He wanted to be picked up. I picked him up and sat him on my knee and he wiggled away but immediately wanted to be picked up again. I picked him up and he had his fork from the floor in his hand. I tried to give him food off my plate which he refused. He told me he was hungry so I got him some baby food instead. He ate about half of what I gave him and cried. He kept saying owie and holding his arms out but wouldn't point to where it hurt when I asked. I wasn't exactly expecting him to but it would help.

So I took him and gave him a bath. His bottom was red and he wouldn't sit. He kept one leg under him and leaned forward. I gave him his allergy medicine and washed him up like usual but he wouldn't play. He just whined. He wouldn't take a nap today so I knew it was going to be a difficult evening. I took him to his room and put him on his changing table. OMG! I wish I could take a picture and post it without it being considered child.porn. It was horrible. I have never seen anything this bad. He apparently reacted to the cream I put on him. His everything was red or red and blistering. He has little cracks in his groins now and his pen.is and scrot.um look horrible. I feel just horrible. My poor baby. I thought about scooping him up and dashing to the emergency room but I doubt they will do much for him. I cut open the tube to our regular cream and scraped out the inside. That was the first tube we went through. We don't need it often but still I forgot and I feel so bad. He just cried and hiccuped. He just couldn't get comfortable. It took forever to get his jammies on him and then I gave him some tylenol and I no more than sat in the rocker to try to comfort him and he was out. I hope a miracle happens while he is sleeping. I feel so bad for him. I feel like a terrible mom

I did it!

With a lot of help, but I finally joined the rest of the world and got my layout changed! I am so excited. Why this excites me so, I'm not sure but it does.

How is everyone doing? We are hanging in there. I am doing pretty well with making a "life style change" and not just going on a diet. Weekends are the hardest for me and yesterday I don't do so well, what with that take out Mexican and about a gallon (not really) of margarita just for me. I know it is going to take a long time but this is my life we are talking about right? And since I started the family a little later than some I sure want to be around to enjoy it. My mom "stopped by" yesterday and Jake and I stood at the door and waved as she walked out to her car. It took FOREVER! She needs to have both of her knees replaced. The arthritis was made worse by all the years of being so over weight. She has lost a few pounds in the past couple of years but it was too little too late. I may have damage already but I can certainly do my body a favor now.

So I waited and waited to change Jake's diaper after breakfast this morning. He usual poops right. He hadn't. I needed to get him cleaned up because he had been doing his own hair for long enough with his banana and oatmeal. I tried to clean him up. There was much screaming and kicking at mommy. I didn't give him a bath because we do that before bed. What I did came close to rinsing his head under the sink to get the glumps of food out. He got a half shower at least. Anyway, I no more than set him down on the floor from dressing him and he FILLED his diaper. Why does he do this? He does it all the time. Just like he poops and you change him and he immediately pees. I think he thinks it is a game! Oh well. He is just helping me get some exercise by running away so I have to chase him to change him again.

We were up early this morning. Jake is frequently waking up twice a night! Dear God, help me. He is hungry or at least wants some milk. He doesn't just want a drink either, we are talking 6, 8, 10 oz of rice milk. I'm not sure what to do. It isn't like I can ignore the screaming. It isn't just crying but screaming for milk or juice. I don't give him juice that is just what he says. So anyway he was ready for a diaper change at six this morning and so we were up for the day. He climbed over me and gets down off my bed. My bed is very tall and he can very confidently slide his way down. He says "no no" and hands me my glasses off my night stand. That means "get your butt out of bed Mommy!" So I did. We got up and changed him and he didn't want to eat but to sit and cuddle. I can handle that! So we sat and watched infomercials because that was all that was on. I don't know what they do but they are like crack. I would never order anything I saw on tv any other time of the day except early in the morning. They truly seem to suck my brain out. I don't get it. I want to know if they have the subliminal messages every however many frames or what. Anyway, we got to watching this Your.Baby.Can.Read. Has anyone seen it? Has anyone tried it or knows anyone that has? I was glued to the screen. They never said how much it actually cost - for a reason! I went to the website and it is $200! The awful thing is that I am still thinking about it, wondering if I should get this. If it really works than it would be totally worth it. Then the rational part of me is going, hello? how many times have you gotten sucked into one of these early morning wonders and bought something? The answer is twice and neither product was all that!

So there was our morning do that Jake worked so hard on. Let me tell you about my Jake. He has gotten to be a bit of a pipsqueak. I am a terrible mother and I didn't take him in for his fifteen month well baby visit. Why? He had two other check ups that same month and it didn't seem necessary. They each weighed him and said he is now small but he is continuing to gain weight and is healthy so they agreed he didn't really need another appointment that I would have had to pay for out of pocket. I think our well baby check ups are insanely expensive too. The office charge for the ENT and the allergist added together didn't cost as much as a well baby visit. There is something seriously wrong with that. He will go for his 18 month though because he needs more shots. We got a little off with our shots since we went in too early for his year shots and made them up a little later. They told me that was fine. Good thing because most of them are out of pocket too. Does anyone else have that problem with their insurance? They will pay for the administration of the injection ($41 per injection - I should be giving shots all day) but not the drug. That doesn't seem right to me.

Anyway, my "little" ball of energy is something. He talks up a storm. He repeat almost any word he hears, but his vocabulary seems to be multiplying everyday and he is becoming more and more understandable. He doesn't say pants or jammies but he says socks, shoes, shirt, coat. He likes "sh" a lot. He says all done, more, thank you, cup, Mommy now not just "mama", grandma, grandpa Bob, Jojo (name of my friend) kitty, puppy, doggie, baby, bath, that, this, trash, phone, danger, hhhottt and of course no no, owie, and uh oh. He tells you nite nite when he is ready to go to sleep. He still asks for booboos (meaning he wants to nurse) and says more I cant remember. He brings me his coat and tells me bye bye when he wants to go outside. He is just a ham. He is still terribly bow legged. He doesn't climb up much (other than stairs) but he does like to get down independently. He wants to walk to the car everyday now when we leave daycare. It is so much fun. I just can't believe how fast it is all going. I have put away his 12 month pants because they were getting tight in the tummy and a little short but 18 month are huge! He has been wearing 18 shirts and onies for quite awhile. He is still wearing his 12-16 month shoes but they will be too narrow soon. The 16-20 month are just still clown shoes when he is trying to walk or run. He eats most of his food with a spoon and not his fingers now. He almost always uses his right hand. He doesn't seem to have a firm attachment to any toy or blanket or anything. I gave him a bottle to give up the boob and we are trying and failing to give up the bottle. He only gets it at home and from grandma but I'm taking hers away this week. I think she would give it to him forever just because she likes it.

Good morning

I am exhausted. I had a very nice three day weekend. I did try to do a lot, but not enough of course. Mostly I am exhausted from Aunt Flo's last visit. She didn't come for a week. She moved in and stayed for 29 days. No one wants any kind of visitor for 29 days. I talked to nurse midwife last week and she said not to worry. I told her I thought I was going to die and she said this wasn't uncommon. Holy crap!

I sit typing from my "new" laptop. My SIL and BIL felt the need to upgrade their laptop. They are only three years old and Mike volunteered to buy them. It is kind of handy to sit in the living room or at the table and be on the computer and Jake can just play away. We already had wireless so we didn't even have to upgrade that. Jake caused a lot of trouble in the office. It also makes it easier once (if) we need to move the office down to the basement to use the bedroom for say a crib. I haven't put any pictures on here yet though so I don't have any to post.

I am working on cleaning up my life. That means myself and my surroundings. I have been trying to purge some of the crap from our house. It is hard for my husband but there are so many things we don't need and I feel like they physically weigh me down. There is the other issue. I am going to work on lightening myself and shaping myself up. How much weight do I have to lose? A lot. I decided that I am going to tackle it in 12 pound increments. Why? Twelve is my lucky number so that is where we will start. So here is to twelve fewer pounds on my rear (or pretty much anywhere else)!

I have also been working on trying to find food for Jake to eat. I must say this is horribly frustrating. Of course we have our allergy restrictions so that is extremely limiting. I am working hard to try to get meat into him. I have recently been able to get small amounts of hamburger and ground turkey into him. He seems to like it a bit spicy so I can handle that. But I am still frustrated. I am going to have to pack lunches for him to take to daycare everyday once he stops eating baby food once and for all. I am tired of baby food. He doesn't eat it much for us but that is still what he takes at daycare. That helps me because I know I am not giving him the same thing he ate there. Plus it means it takes longer for him to get bored with what I am giving him!

Apparently I have to go to work today so I have to go. I have been trying to find out about a huge layoff by the railroad in Nebraska and I haven't found out yet. Mike thinks he will be safe but it will be very close for one of our friends and every cut puts Mike closer and closer to the bottom.

Long and boring

God, I wish I had Jake's energy! I also wish I still had his innocent curiosity. I'm just old, tired and crusty or something like that. At least that is how I feel at this moment. Yesterday I was charge nurse, which I find to be very stressful, and I was also on call. It could have been worse but I did have to work in the night and now I am very tired because my sweet little boy insisted that Mommy not sleep the day away. Actually, he did let me sleep until almost 8 so I can't complain too much. It is nice to wake up to him in his crib and to the sound of his sweet jabbering.

Thankfully, I am off today so I can recover. I was hoping to make a trip out of town to do some shopping but I don't think I am up to it today. However, my being off is a mixed blessing. I am off due to down staffing. That isn't really a good thing is it? We are really having some issue with the hospital and my memory isn't firing right now as to if I have shared those issues and concerns here. The economy does not help the current health care state. People can't afford to have necessary but not urgent surgeries. Like maybe a hernia that needs to be fixed but they have lived with it for x amount of time already so they can live with it longer or a back that is bothering them but it will just have to wait or a bladder that is drooping but well, they have been able to tolerate it this long so it can wait awhile longer. Do I blame people? No. It is expensive to have anything done regardless of how wonderful your insurance may be. There are also people who no longer have insurance so they can't get that gallbladder out until they are deathly ill.

So the highest of the high at the hospital had this wonderful plan that they had been working on for several years I'm sure. We need to be like some of the great big wonderful hospitals. The hospital and the doctors' offices need to all join together and become a super power. The hospital will acquire the offices, and all their staff, and patients will be able to get better care. If you go to doctor A for a headache and Dr A does some tests and then you go to Dr B for your sore knee, Dr B can just look in the new magic computer and instantly all the information that Dr A has is there! So Dr B doesn't have to do some of the same labs or something or if Dr B does, he can compare and see the difference. Then if you go to the hospital because you broke your hip (god forbid!) all the information from Drs A and B is instantly available. Do I think this is wonderful for you that they can see that you take 50mg of medication X not 100mg when they are asking you and you can't remember because of the pain? Yes, this is a good thing for the patient IN THEORY.

Why am I not over joyed with our ability to provide better, safer patient care? Sure it is great, BUT there are some huge downfalls that impact me. So for the hospital the the doctors' office to merge the hospital had to BUY the practices from the doctors. The hospital now has a tremendous number of additional employees that all want to be paid and want to have benefits and stuff. Now the doctors earn salaries based on their work. Okay, but every time you go to the doctor you have to hand over a wad of cash, right? So now the hospital takes that money in and it pays the overhead and salaries and crap right? Sort of. This whole process seemed to be planned by idiots. We now have all these boards that over see all sorts of crap. That is expensive. Part of the problem is that they didn't figure out some of the critical things before the actual merger occurred. Oh, say, like billing. They sort of did. I mean someday you will only get one bill no matter where you go. All the visits will show up together in one HUGE bill. You only have to pay one time right? Well, they didn't get all of the billing figured out before hand. Everything in the world has a code for billing, but they only got it started. So if what you had done was way down the number line, they didn't have the ability to charge you or your insurance for it for a couple of MONTHS at least. So that means the employees are still getting paid. The doctors are still getting paid. The lights and water are still on in the office, but money isn't coming in. Hello? And we are talking about dozens of doctors. We are talking about big and little bills. We are talking about MILLIONS of dollars not coming in. So eventually it will all get caught up, right? Yes, eventually it will, but it isn't still. Besides, how much money did it take to BUY all of the practices? Where did all that money come from? Hmmm

Now not all the doctors liked this idea. Suddenly they have a giant boss that can tell them what to do. Okay, so they don't have to join. But what does that mean? Dr A and Dr B both practice the same kind of medicine. Dr A is part of the megapower. Dr B isn't. When you see a Dr that is part of the megapower and they need to refer you, who are they going to refer you to? Another doctor in the megapower. So this means that Dr B's practice is going in the crapper so Dr B decides to move away. Now we don't have Dr B coming to surgery anymore. Okay so the patients have to see Dr A and he/she will do the surgery instead. Well, it is going to take you twice as long to get into see that doctor it also means that doctor has more cases to do when they do operate so now they are operating longer and later in the day. Where has this affected us the most? Orthopedics. We used to have two practice with 6 surgeons and they were trying to recruit more. In a very short time we will have 1, yes, I said 1 orthopedic surgeon. We used to run 2.5 rooms a day in just orthopedics. Today there were just two cases from traveling surgeon squeezed in. So not even a whole room.

Okay, so this megapower is supposed to be a recruiting benefit for new doctors. They can come here and they don't have to worry about buying into a practice. They don't have to worry about setting up an office. They just come and it is there. They come to work and get a paycheck. But it takes a lot of time to get new doctors. We don't exactly have a big draw here. At the moment, who are the doctors that we can get to come and look? Mostly brand new doctors and foreign doctors. Okay, a new doctor, that isn't so bad right? They have a lot of years still to practice right. Well, we are just a stepping stone to gain experience. And they don't have the experience that we need. Foreign doctors might have more experience but they don't go over all that well in this older farming community. You are going to have people that travel to other communities rather than to have that foreign doctor touch them.

So where does that leave me? We have less work. That means we make less money. We have staff standing around. We have to cut huge amounts of money because they SPENT SO MUCH money and it isn't coming in. We aren't getting raises and all of our expenses went up. We are getting sent home and told you still have a job but... And we are running rooms late in the night because fewer doctors are now doing the work. There is less work but there is still work. This bites. I got paid yesterday and Mike saw the amount in the checking account and called me and wanted to know what happened. Where the rest of my paycheck went. No honey that is it. I did increase the amount held out for my flex account but that is a $50 pretax amount so it shouldn't make a huge difference, but the cut hours were there. But, the silver lining to this very black cloud is that I have had more time with my son. That doesn't keep food on the table or pay for his doctor bills but at least we were together. It has also helped with my stress levels and guilt levels.

So, I should wake up. Get myself cleaned up. Make my shopping list and go buy some food with my meager check because the pantry, the cupboard and the fridge are bare.

Precious moments together

I just can't believe how fast time passes! I was watching Jake run around the living room tonight and it just made me all teary. My little baby was running and giggling. He does things that just crack me up. He says cracker whenever he is hungry and we will go to the cupboard that contains food that is safe for him. I will let him stand on the counter and he will pick out what he wants and he will take three fourths of contents out and then start putting them back. He just loves this. I hold something up and ask if this is what he wants and he tells me no. He is so good at that no as toddlers are! Gee I wonder why! I just love how he runs up and hugs my leg. I LOVE the hugs. He gives the best hugs and still the big open mouth kisses. And he is so generous with them!

But what really amazes me is how fast he seems to learn and what he knows. He loves to rearrange the chairs in the dinning room and you tell him to put them back and he puts them exactly where they go. He is meticulous in how he places things. He loves to stack things. He was stacking boxes of oatmeal and a box of darn tampons (I just couldn't take pictures because of that) He was stacking them taller than himself. Of course he took great pleasure in knocking them down. I say something to him and it surprises me that he understands and follows the directions I gave him. I just love it. I just love him so much it hurts sometimes. It is terrible that sometimes when I am going to bed I hope that Jake will wake screaming so I can bring him to bed to cuddle with me. I am so thankful I have this little man in my life.

Happy New Year

Okay, I have been a delinquent blogger and I felt like I needed to get my total up to 75 for the year so just a few words. Happy New Year to everyone. I hope this next year brings you at least as much love and joy as this past year.

I have been trying to update the look of my blog, but darn it all if I'm not an idiot! I have tried a few times and I can't get it to all work right. I can't even pretend to be good at that stuff. I can barely muster to add the littlest extra thing. I may give up and PAY for help. I know that is bad because I am cheap!

Everyone keep blogging because I miss you all! I love to see your little ones faces and hear about the latest things in your/their life. I understand it is hard to find time. I haven't been good myself. I have managed to have a tremendous amount of time off this month and I LOVE it. Next week is going to be hard because it is the first week, I think, that I will have to work 5 days since the week after Thanksgiving! We will be experiencing significant cutbacks at work and I am actually hoping that I will get some of my hours cut. I can't believe it and I really can't afford it but I would absolutely love it. I feel so much better when I get to spend more time with Jake (even though he is really being a pill today!). I know that isn't a good thing - the economy taking a dump and all, but I am a happier Mommy! It will work out, I know it.

My poor boy or not

I felt horribly guilty leaving my baby at daycare today to go to work. He sounded horrible. I brought him into our bed about midnight and he propped himself up on my pillow to sleep. Right in the middle of my pillow pushing me completely off. But he sounded terrible to listen to him. I kept thinking I should take him to the hospital or at least blow the nebulizer by him as he slept. But I didn't. Instead I tried to contort myself into an impossibly small space and crazy angles. There would have been more room if I had moved over to the middle of the bed but I didn't want him on the outside. I kept moving him over but he moved himself right back. I wanted him to sleep so I suffered.

So mommy started the day tired. Mike actually got up and helped me get Jake ready this morning which was awesome. I appreciated his help so much. I got a shower and Mike got him a breathing treatment. He sounded terrible. I kept expecting to get a call at work today telling me I needed to come get him. He never had a fever. His cough is unproductive. Most of his coughing is right after he wakes up. But he sounds bad just to hear him breathe and he is so raspy and hoarse. He was also a bit on the lethargic side this morning.

Some point in the day that seemed to change however and he turned into a little spit fire! He was just into everything once we got home would not cooperate (ha! he is a toddler!) at all. I was getting very frustrated. He wanted a snack but he didn't want whatever I gave him. He was thirsty and asked for juice but didn't want it. He wanted up; he wanted down. I just didn't know what to do for him. He hadn't pooped all day so he of course saved up for me. I took him in and changed him and made a mess of myself. I set him on his bedroom floor and went into my bathroom to wash myself up. When I came out I found him in the kitchen.

He had pulled a brand new box of garbage bags Mike bought today off the kitchen counter and onto the floor. (now why they are on the counter is another story since that isn't where they go and if Mike had looked there he would have found a box more than half full). He was quite proud of himself as noted by the smile in this picture.Behind him was this pile of bags on the floor. As I started cleaning them up, he was shaking and shaking a bag and he walked over to the garbage and threw it away. So I went over to the garbage and found at least half a dozen more brand new bags he threw away!

So I tried to feed him dinner when he kept telling me he was hungry. He wouldn't eat anything I tried to give him. So I took him out of his chair. He came into the living room and played. He kept walking over by the Christmas tree and he started moving around the few packages we have left under the tree. He balanced them up on end. I was impressed. We have been playing with blocks a lot and he was carrying the concept across. I have a genius, I am thinking. So I got up to get the camera. When I get back he is finally ripping into packages the way I wanted him to on Christmas. But these aren't his and now I have to re wrap. Oh well, it could be worse. I let him finish once he started because I have to wrap them again anyway, right?

So it is getting late enough that I am hungry and I make myself a quesadilla with smoked turkey and raspberry jalapeno jam. I thought it sounded good and it was, but Jake now wanted some. Well, he couldn't have any. Aside from the jalapenos I have all that cheese. He doesn't understand that. He just know you won't give him any food. So I put him in his chair and got him more food. He played with it and asked for food. He threw it on the floor and asked for food. He ended up eating baby food prunes and a few pretzels and I think that is it. He really didn't need the prunes, but he likes them. So he went straight from the high chair to the tub.

I was so frustrated. I got him ready for bed and we sat in the recliner and he longingly rub his "booboos" and kept trying to get his hand into my bra and eventually passed out. Then I remember I didn't give him a breathing treatment so I now feel guilty!

Mike took this picture yesterday. You can still see where he fell and split his chin open 3?weeks ago. You can still see traces of where he tripped over a toy and gave himself a shiner.

Here was fun with applesauce on Saturday. Below you can see I actually captured when the little devil sneaks out and I understand why he does the things he does!!

What? Not again already!

Jake is teething again. I didn't think it was possible but I guess I was wrong. He has been drooling a lot and cranky (he's cranky a lot) and sticking his fingers in his mouth all the time. Well, Mike kept saying it had to be more teeth. I stuck my finger in his mouth today and I was shocked to feel another molar. The other three are rearing their ugly heads too. That brings us to Jake age, gulp, 16 months (already?) and having 17 teeth!!! I have asked a couple of dentists and they both said that even though he got baby teeth early his permanent teeth shouldn't come early. I hope that is true. I don't want a great big man with itty bitty teeth! Jake has a bad cough and I think his throat is sore. He sure sounds like his adenoids are swollen right now. Poor baby! I have been giving him frequent breathing treatments because the cough is bad. He doesn't have a fever or a runny nose though.

Well, we flunked our first week of weaning. I got really sick on Tuesday and Mike convinced me I should nurse so I could get some sleep that night. I did and then the rest of the week was shot. However, he hasn't nursed since last Sunday. It is harder now that he doesn't feel good. He is really whining but he stops and will take a bottle. Okay, so we did give him a bottle back. He has been off a bottle for several months and that wasn't a big deal at all. So I gave that back in order to save myself. He only gets it when he would have nursed so it is just pretty much at night or before his nap when we are home for nap time. He seems to be doing pretty well. I'm pretty uncomfortable however. This bcp doesn't seem to be helping like I was told it would. Hopefully it will hope get my body straightened out though. I have really been hearing a voice in the back of my head saying "when will we try for #2?" I know it is getting closer. I still wish I could spend more time just soaking Jake up. He is just changing so fast. He isn't a baby anymore and, God help me, I do want to go through that again. But I have to get my body straightened around some so I can even try. I talked to an OB this week and was told we may have to start off with clom.id this time. We'll see. We aren't there quite yet. I'm still going to be excited about the weaning at the moment and wait and see if my body starts cooperating.

Happy New Year's to everyone!

Happy Holidays!

I have to say "happy holidays" since Christmas has already past. That is something I don't say often because I much prefer to say to recognize Christmas. Anyway, I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Ours went pretty well. We had a few glitches and I had a few near murder experiences but all in all it was great. Mike made it home in the early hours which we didn't think would happen so we were just so happy he could be with us. Jake had a bad night Christmas Eve and was pretty tired most of Christmas day. I was a little disappointed that he wasn't more excited. I was really hoping he would rip into his presents this year, but he didn't. I'm sure he will next year though. He was funny. I would open something and he would carry it away so that a grandparent could remove the item from the packaging. Then he would look at it and move on. He likes flashlights and both grandpa and daddy gave him one of his very own!

My mother decided that she would start feeding Jake marshmallows (she asked me after he was hooked). He knew they were up there and was asking for "cracker". He says "cracker" when he is hungry. He will identify some foods when he sees them but "cracker" means FEED ME!

He thought this pan liner was another of his instruments. He walked around blowing and blowing on it!

He got a recorder from Santa and he loved it. He figured it out right away. He also decided this big box was one of his toys and a place to take a rest. He wouldn't take a nap but he kept crawling up on this box and putting he cheek down and tucking his arms and legs under him with his butt sticking up in the air. It was cute, but when you tried to take him to bed... Well it didn't work.

Look at this smug face! This is Mike's first self portrait with my new Christmas present. He acted like it was a surprise that I was getting a camera. I seem to remember it more like a threat. You will get me a new camera or I will...

Jake got a guitar from Santa and he loved it. He is totally into everything musical. It amazes us to see him dance every time he hears music. I mean because he just does it. It isn't something he was taught. As if we didn't know, our little boy has a mind of his own!

Our new Christmas tree with ornaments hung just above little hand level. He did well with the tree for the most part. I had one ornament broken because it was too low and he pulled the tinsel off just once before any ornaments were put on the tree.

Grandma and Grandpa got him a chair with his name on it. He wants to climb up into it himself only he can't quite do it. I see this as a problem for awhile. He is going to pull this over onto himself trying to get into it or out of it until he gets a little bigger. He already has a shiner from whacking his eye with a toy last week and he keeps splitting his lip open. We can't get one thing healed up before he injures himself again. He sure is a toddler taking on the world!

He was staking his crackers on the top of his juice cup. It was funny and yippee!! he is finally drinking apple juice!

He is really into putting things on his head and walking around right now. Hmm, did I mention black eye and many split lips? But for Pete's sake don't tell him no and take it away!

We went to a Christmas parade back at Thanksgiving time. He can barely move in his winter coat. I think it might fit next year!

Whew

Things have been... well, I don't know. The end of the year is the busiest time of year for surgery. People want to get things taken care of they have put off. They have met their deductibles and so they need to have their surgeries. They may need to use their time off before the end of the year or they will lose it. One thing we see is that it is farmer or rancher and it is the off season so they get their backs fixed or their hernias fixed or their Lap.Bands placed. Whatever, it is nuts. We are each supposed to be cutting our hours and watching the clock but then we are expected to stay late all the time. Whatever. We got an email that told us in this time of recession the costs to provide health care are up and the revenues are down so as of the first of the year there will be a significant increase in the cost of health insurance. In the next paragraph it said they didn't know when they could consider giving us cost of living, let alone market raises. This wouldn't be so bad if the hospital hadn't just bought the majority of the doctors' practices and the free standing surgery center that has already put so much turmoil in our lives. Great. When they did this they decided to redo all the marketing for the hospital. Every sign, every single paper, all the pamphlets, EVERYTHING had to be changed. They changed EVERY clock in the hospital so that they have the new logo. There are more than twenty clocks in just my department. I can come up with 25 without thinking hard. But there is no money for raises and they don't know when there will be. Really.

Anyway so that has been a bit stressful. Mike has been working insane hours. He has been averaging 23 hours or less home and 24 hours gone. He used to be home 36 hours or so. He is a person that needs his sleep too. It is nothing for him to sleep twelve hours or more at a time. I can't tell you what I would do to get eight or even six! It has been hard with daddy being gone so much. Jake sure does love his daddy!

However, last week I finished all my tests. I took my specialty certification test. I had been trying to study everyday some for a long time and I have been trying to take care of the house. It was the hardest test I have ever taken in my life. It was much harder than the test I took to get my nursing licence. In some ways that makes sense since it is supposed to mean that you are highly proficient at a particular specialty so the focus is much more narrow than all of nursing. I knew it would be difficult but I wasn't expecting it to be quite that difficult. The good thing was that I got to take it here in town. That is a very recent change. I thought I was going to have to go about 3.5 hours away which makes it a lot more challenging. I was worried about the weather and it was bad the day of test. I was able to take Jake to daycare and then I tried to relax for a bit and I drove about five miles across town and that was it. Thankfully it even told me right then and their that I passed. THANK GOD!!! I don't want to go through that again. It was very expensive and time consuming. But I did learn a lot. I learned a lot of things that I wish I had learned years ago. I will say that I believe my years of experiences really helped on the test at least as much as the studying. But I did learn a lot. I got a lot of validation. Too bad I don't also get a raise!! It does look good for the hospital to have a good percentage of certified registered nurses.

On to the important things. Jake is just growing by leaps and bounds. He is a nut. He is so chatty. I don't know what he says most of the time but he talks nonstop. He is into saying "hot" right now but it is how he says it that is so funny. I know he is saying it like I say it to him when I don't want him to touch something hot. It is just so funny. He has slept through the night three out of the last six nights. He hasn't slept through the night in FOREVER!!! Tonight is our biggest challenge. Jake got to nurse this morning, but no more. It is apparent that he has no intention of giving up nursing anytime soon and I just can't do it anymore. Fifteen and a half months is a long time right??? I need to be done. I also need the regular bcp that I started on Saturday or might need to start blood transfusions soon. I hear crying. I guess tonight isn't going to be one of the nights he makes it!