Yikes!

I picked Jake up from daycare today. I brought him home and I checked his diaper right away like I always do when I bring him home. He was clean and dry for once. I didn't open his one piece outfit up all the way. I just looked enough to see a clean and dry diaper. Then I took Jake out to the living room to play for a bit and then I fed him. I could see that his poor little chin was red and rashy and that his neck was a bit red, but it looked like someone with perfume or lotion or something that irritates his skin had been holding him. But when I was almost finished nursing him I noticed his shoulder looked red in the gappy neck of his shirt. I pulled the neck back and everything I saw was fire red. I pulled him back and I yanked open his snaps and his entire chest and back look like the worst sunburn ever! It goes down to part of his bottom his genitals are mostly spared. His thighs are splotchy. I snatched him up quick and took him to the urgent care. He is allergic to penicillin and its derivatives, which Jake had been taking. He was laughing and flirting with the girls in the office, but as soon as we got home he crashed and did not feel good. His skin was so hot! Poor boy. They said we just need to let the drugs work out of his system and not do anything else for him. We gave him a bath and I slathered him up with lotion and I blew on it while it was still drying. He loved that. He would giggle while I did it and scream when I stopped. I feel so bad for him. It scared me though.

Last day

Today is the last day of Mike's vacation and it has gone much better than I expected. I asked him to do two things for me while he was off and neither has been completed. The odometer in my car is reading error and we need to put something different down than what we have between the carpet of the hallway and the linoleum of the bathroom floor. He is working on putting the automatic starter in my car right now and he did get a tire fixed that had a leak. He also gave my car a much needed tune up. By the way, I want a different car, but I know I am not going to get one. He also changed the oil and while he was doing that he discovered I have a CV joint going out. That is something he does not have the tools to fix. Crap. I don't like having issues with my vehicle. I don't like waiting to see if it does this or that because it means whatever. I want to know that I am safe and it will take me where ever I need to go. I am suggesting that we get rid of both our "big" vehicles and one something different that I drive. Remember, he got that car that is so much more gas efficient to drive around, right? Only one big car payment instead of two moderately large. Only one costly vehicle to insure. Only one gas hog. Hopefully, I could still get something larger that could still be better on fuel that what I am driving. (my gas mileage should get better now, I am told).

We have made it without me once having wanted to kill my husband, for the most part. We did have a HUGE fight where he brought up divorce and threatened to leave. We are pasted that now. I didn't get it when it happened. He was really flying off. Now I do get it. He is really upset about his pay. He sees me worrying about money and he feels like he isn't a good enough husband. He knows I want nothing more than to stay home with Jake and he wishes he could do more so that I can. I told him I know it isn't going to happen. He feels bad too that Jake is going to a germ factory. He wishes Jake had a grandma or aunt that could take care of him. (I don't think he knows that my sister has said if we move down by her she would take care of Jake.)

I know he couldn't get done what he wanted this week because he was watching Jake, but that was fine. He could have done more last week because he got almost nothing done then. I understand though that sometimes you need some down time. I also know that he gets more down time than just about anyone. Oddly, it still isn't a big deal to me! Maybe he is slipping me some valium or something. He did let his mom watch Jake on Friday instead of sending him back to daycare of watching him himself. (that is when my car did finally get worked on) Then he kicked himself and was mad that he didn't watch Jake himself. Poor little Jakey's bottom got burned. He is on antibiotics, of course (again!), and Grandma and Grandpa let him sit in a dirty diaper for awhile before they figured out why he was so upset. Mike thinks at least half an hour because he spent part of the time on the phone with his dad and was the one that told them to check his diaper. Well, he screamed so much that grandma stopped cleaning him up!?! His little bottom was clean, but his other parts still had that acidic pooh on them when Mike we got home. He picked Jake up before he picked me up from work. Jake screamed and I cried as we tried to clean him up. Mike was just furious. He was mad at his mom and mad at himself for not taking care of his son himself that day. Poor baby had blisters. It is finally doing better today. It just takes minutes for his sensitive little skin to get sore. Mike calmed down and explained to her to use a washclothe and squeeze water over it or even rinse him in the sink or tub with tempid water, but for God sakes get it all off! Mike felt so bad. I'm sure his mom did too. He went outside for that phone conversation...

I have been wanting to put a weight loss counter up but I haven't yet, obviously. That means I am acknowledging I have a problem and am seriously taking steps to fix it. I am still dragging my feet and am just kind of trying to take off the extra butt and gut I am carrying around. I haven't stepped on the scale in awhile and I sucked it up today and did it. You see, that is another one of the reasons I dread Mike's vacation. I don't eat as well when he is home all the time as I do when he is gone. He is such a picky eater and we eat so much more junk when he is home. When he is gone, I eat a more like I know I need to. I only looked with one eye because I thought it might soften the blow. I couldn't belive what I saw! I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning before I eat or drink and that wasn't true today and I still saw a number that didn't ups
et me. I mean it was still terrible, but I thought it would be five pounds heavier! So, I don't have it in my today, but I will put up a counter. I have to. I need to be a healthier me for that little boy that sounds like he is waking up. I have someone I am responsible for now and I need to be there for him. I need to be able to do all the things he needs me to do. I need to be able to crawl around and play with him. I need to be able to chase after him. I don't want there to be a chance that he is embarrassed because he as a fat mom. I don't want him to think his mom is fat and I don't want him to be an unhealthy weight. I need to be an example of leading a healthy life, right?

For heaven's sake when will the spell check work!! It is well know that I am "a creative" speller!!!

bad call

Yesterday was rough. I felt horrible myself. Jake is still sick of course. I was on call yesterday and I worked a fifteen hour day when all was said and done. I got to come home and cuddle Jake and eat dinner. Then I had to go back. I got home just in time to nurse Jake and put him to bed. I was almost in bed myself when they called me back again. It was midnight before I got home and then I couldn't go right to sleep. It took a bit. I finally got to sleep and then Jake woke up. I went in and rolled him over and put his pacifier back in and he was sound asleep again. We did this three times in the mere 4 hours I had to sleep. Now I'm not sure if I feel awful because I'm sick or really exhausted.





Mike has now had to take care of Jake for two whole days. I was so worried yesterday because I was gone so long and it was their first day alone together for real. Mike even got some house work done yesterday and he was putting dinner in the oven when I got home. I was really impressed! I was expecting both of them to be screaming. Today, that is more like what happened and I got home early. I could have come home earlier and would have like to, but now with our recent changes in how they pay us, I would have taken a substancial hit if I didn't stay at work for more than half the day. Isn't that nice? You will all be glad to know that I was not providing direct patient care though. I was a "helper." That was good. I did help to. I stood there and listened while the nasty urologist vented his crazy perceptions of how we do things. I just got what he needed and did what was asked. I did run the board for awhile while the charge nurse was gone (that is always frightening to put me in charge!) I did a bit of computer work. The important thing is that I never sat around like some people do!





I suppose, I need to get help support one of my husband's addictions. Pop is on sale and he bought his maximum allowed amount for the day. I just go in buy it take it out to the car and go back in again. He won't do that. If they won't let him buy what he wants he pouts instead. Maybe he should just give it up. Did I say that? I guess of his two addictions this is the one I would rather he have.

5 months, 200 posts

My little Jacob is 5 months today and I have been blogged 200 rambly posts! It is starting to seem less like yesterday that we had him. Actually, I can hardly believe he is only 5 months because he feels like he has been a huge part of our life for so long. My poor baby is sick again. Mike took him to the doctor all by himself. Or at least Mike thought that was happening. Our doctor's office is in a building connected to the hospital by walk ways and I was able to get my lunch during the time I managed to get an appointment. I must say, I am really impressed with our doctor. I was before when she was just taking care of me, but now with Jake even more so. She obviously know the trouble we have had so far and wanted to see him about an hour after I finally got to talk to a person in their office. I hate leaving a voice mail at the doctor's office! Anyway, she saw him during her lunch break too. He has a terrible cough. It sounds so junky. We are now the proud owners of our own nebulizer. Jake has two cute little masks that go with it and the little bugger will hold them him self.

I cried for a good half hour today before I came home because I feel so bad about not being able to keep my baby protected from the big bad world. I am having some anger issues again. I can't help but wonder if Jacob had been born a week earlier (a week smaller) would be have had all these lung issues. No one can say that his lungs would be better if he hadn't aspirated the meconium for sure, but they do say he is at higher risk. I just feel so bad for him and I feel guilty like I could have/should have done something different. I love this little man more than I can ever begin to say. I wish I could be sick for him. The crappy thing is that I am now getting it too.

Another first

Tonight we went out to dinner, just the two of us, for the first time since before Jake was born. We have never been real big on going out to restaurants to eat. We are much more takeout people. But we did it. It was hard too. I also had a perfect margarita. It was really good. I just couldn't believe how many babies were at the restaurant that were about Jake's age. It was certainly distracting for me. I had to watch them all and criticize the girl behind me that was feeding her baby inappropriate foods. That poor little girl is going to be sick and I thought she was going to choke on some of the things her mom was feeding her. Anyway, we did it. Now I can only imagine what it will be like when it is a babysitter we leave him with not Grandma and Grandpa.

Poor Jakey is sick. He has the runny nose and cough that all the other little ones at daycare have. I feel so bad for him. I wish I could be sick for him. I'm already taking antibiotics but I'm sure what he has is a virus. I have had my closest near miss with mastitis yet. I have had eight plugged ducts now with six of them being in the exact same place. Obviously I have a problem there. I worked with my OB on Thursday and he gave me some antibiotics. I went and talked with the lactation consultants that afternoon too. I forgot how uncomfortable it is to basically bare myself and then be manhandled. It didn't really matter. They helped me. This was the longest I had gone without being able to get the duct to clear and I was in a lot of pain. I am all bruised now from all the rubbing I did. The main lactation consultant was worried about me too. She wanted me to go home and lay in bed for two days. Hello!!! Anyway, between the plugged ducts and the biting baby I would really like to stop breast feeding but I'm not going to just yet. I'm going to try and go to six months still and then re-evaluate. We are almost there. I can make it one more month right?

Melt down

I went to get Jake from daycare today and he was sleeping. It was about 3:20. They told me he had been sleeping since 11:45!!! WTF! I couldn't believe they let him sleep so long. I also know it isn't a good sign that he was sleeping so long. The "girl" also told me that he sounded very hoarse that morning when he cried. GREAT! So I woke my baby up. I changed his wet and dirty diaper and I bundled him up in his bunting. On the way home I had to pull over because I was sobbing. I talked to a couple of people at work this morning and one of them has a son that just turned a year old. He is in the same room at daycare as Jake some of the time. He woke up last night with a terrible Croupy cough, sore throat, and a fever. The other co worker's son has just now after six days started doing better with his Croupy cough. I just felt so horrible about having Jake in daycare, about exposing him to all these snotty nosed, coughing little kids.

When Jake sleeps he pretty much loses all color. He is so pale it scares me. I have to check to make sure he is breathing because he truly looks lifeless. I just had a freak out moment that my little boy could get sick and die. (a family member of someone at work had that happen recently. A baby two months younger than Jake passed away with a respiratory infections). I know this won't happen to us, but it occurred to me that it was possible and I take my baby to germapalooza every day. I know I have to work and I know I am taking him to one of the best daycares in town, but they are me. I just can't stand that something could happen to him and I'm not there. It took me a few minutes to pull myself together so that I could drive again.


(the first picture is when we gave Jake cereal when he was four months old and the other picture is of Jake smacking his lips because he figured out that he could while he was in the hospital. Sorry, both pictures are blurry because he was on the move).

Griping #700 or so it seems

I am all over the place these days. Jake has been a little bear, but at least he is better. These top teeth are a lot worse than the bottoms were for us. I can't wait for the rest of them! I doesn't seem there is anything that makes him happy for more than about two minutes.

Work has been awful. We got presented with our "raises" just after Christmas. Yes, the normal areas of the hospital are going to experience nice raises. They have made weekends and shift work much more tolerable to those areas. However, the two departments that bring the most revenue, surgery and radiology, have been dealt a big blow. We are getting pay cuts. They have cut our on call pay. The hours we worked after our regular shift were paid to us in double time and now it has gone to time and a half. This is a SERIOUS blow to us. It also makes having to work call much less attractive, not that it was wonderful before. At least we felt like we were getting compensated for some of the horrible things we have to do. We have the potential for earning a partial extra shift bonus if we work a ton when we are on call but there are so many stipulations that it is going to be extremely rare for us to qualify. So this has made morale that was just barely picking up from an all time low, plummet to a level never before imaginable. Most of us have swallowed this bitter pill and still have indigestion but there is one that spewing bile all over. (get the picture). This fellow (there are only two brave, or crazy, guys in our department) is being totally inappropriate and our boss is doing nothing. He is carrying on and on and on. At every available opportunity he spouts off - during surgeries to doctors, while you are trying to get cases going, while you are cleaning up. We have a book where we are supposed to write positive things and he has put things in there. We have a communication board and he has written things on it. He has put hostile comic strips in the break room. But Friday, he finally went too far I think. He messed with the charge nurse. It doesn't matter what the rest of us say. We have been told he just needs some time to cool off. But this time he "vandalized" a flier put up by the charge nurse from a committee she is on. I don't remember what it said exactly but it was about treating each other with courtesy. The whole point of this committee is to try and improve morale throughout the hospital and to encourage departments to get to know one another and work together better. It will be interesting to see what happens this week!

This week I did three tubals one day. The first one was only 21 years old. She has three children. The next one I did was literally two weeks younger than me. This was her ninth pregnancy and fifth baby. I had very mixed emotions. I felt great sadness for any one to suffer four miscarriages. I tried to imagine my life with five children and I just couldn't fathom it. The next patient was a few months younger than me and she had just given birth to her third child, but the first with her fiance. She said that between the two of them this is their fifth child. Yet another situation I just couldn't imagine myself in right now. Thank goodness I am not in these positions but it gets me thinking. What do I want? Do I want another baby? Yes and no. I love children and I think I want another one, but I am terrified of going through the whole process again. What will happen? How long will it take to get pregnant this time? What if I can't get pregnant? What horrible things will happen to me this time? How do I take care of Jake? When do we start? What about Jake? I already wish I could give him more time and attention. I want to give him everything I can and maybe that means he should be an only child. I always wished I had a sibling that was closer to my own age and thought I would do that for my own baby. How are we going to pay daycare for two???

On a good note, we still have a lot of details to work out, but it looks like we are going to have a different place to live soon. Someone I worked with has a house that is going to be up for sale soon. His youngest daughter graduates from high school this year and he has been working at a different hospital for about a year and a half I think. He bought another house there some time ago so his wife will finally get to join him at the end of the school year. The problem is we still haven't recovered financially from this past year. The solution, well, if we can come to an appropriate agreement, we will rent the house for one year and then buy it with the rent applying toward ownership. I imagine we will be able to come up with an agreement. The housing market isn't great in this area for sellers and he knows that. He knows we know that too. So hopefully we can work something out. It is a much nicer and a larger home than we are in.

Long week

This week has been terribly long. I have had three late shifts and I just hate late shifts. I did handle it better than the last time I had three in one week but it was still hard. I spend too little time with my little Peanut. However, my little Peanut has been a bear this week!! He is working on tooth number six and it has him just pissed off. Daycare has always said what a good baby he is, one of their best, but the last three days they have said his has been really fussy. These top teeth seem to be worse. I hope we get a break with them soon. What four and half month old needs six teeth???

I took Jake in yesterday for his follow up doctor appointment. She gave him the all clear. He still has a bit of an occasional cough, but he hasn't had to have a breathing treatment for a couple of days. I was excited because this was our fourth visit for Jake to our doctor, but it was going to be the very first time she wasn't going to treat mom or dad. Wrong!!! She was talking to me and asked me how long I had had pink eye. Pink eye? What are you talking about, I don't have pink eye. Look in the mirror over there. Oh, for God's sake I do have pink eye! Two hours earlier it had been fine. Daycare strikes again, except Jake hasn't gotten it. Oh well, at least I was getting it treated before I even knew I had it!

Mike is out right now and his vacation will start as soon as he gets back. I have been dreading this. He is so lazy when he is on vacation and he ends up driving me nuts. I hate to come home from work, after having to pick up the baby, and then clean up after him. I just hate it and he is a huge slob. He really is. He keeps throwing in coat in the middle of the dining room floor. We have a perfectly good coat closet not five steps from where he dropped his coat. Anyway, I don't want to get started on that because I will go on forever! Lets just say I am counting the days until his vacation is over already.

Back to work

We are all finally feeling better. Jake was the first one back to "normal." I have been doing much better since yesterday and Mike is finally doing better today. Last week was so long and now it is back to the salt mine. Oh well.

We had an interesting opportunity come up and we are doing a lot of thinking, negotiating (amongst ourselves), and planning. We need to do a bit of research too. The thing is we have hope. Hope of getting out of this house. I just don't know if it is going to work and Mike says we will make it work no matter what. It also means I am having to deal with some of my trust/control issues. But at least we have some hope. I want to get the baby out of here so badly.

Learn something new

I wish I had know it was De-lurking week sooner. Well, I guess I haven't been home much, or at all some days, this week. Who is out there lurking???

Not a good start!

Well, we debated and debate how much I should take out in my flex account this year because I was so far off last year. Looks like I was wrong again this year and it is only January 10th! Monday night, actually Tuesday morning, I woke up because Jake was coughing. I got up with him and fed him and he had this crappy cough. It was new, he hadn't had it before. I could hear secretions trying to clear when he coughed and then his little airway would plug. He couldn't do anything for a second or two or what felt like a million and then he broke it free. This happened a few times over the next few hours and I debated and debated taking him to the ER. I held him and he slept upright and was breathing fine. That is, when I wasn't having to put him down to run to the bathroom to get sick. Mike and I both got terribly sick within about 30 minutes of each other. We were violently ill for hours. I put Jake back in his bed when he was doing better and I was so exhausted I couldn't stay awake any longer and I slept for about an hour. Mike came and woke me up because he was so sick his muscles were starting to cramp. So I got up then and called in sick (I don't remember the last time I did that). I also told my boss I was going to the ER. So I get everyone ready and carried Jake out. Mike would have had me carry him out too if I could.

So it we were all patients. We were put in two different rooms, but at least my room had the bathroom and thank God for that! The doctor looked at Mike and then me and gave us the same thing and said we had a virus and we would get better in a few days. He acted like I was being a nervous nelly mom about Jake though. Well, his "just a little cough" turned out to be pneumonia and he ended up getting admitted for a couple of nights. It was so terrible. My poor baby was sick and he needed me and I was so sick and so tired that I could barely take care of him. He would want me to pick him up and I would lean into his crib and hold him because I was so weak I didn't think I could actually pick him up. Or I would be weak and so tired I thought I would fall asleep and drop him. My poor boy! I still feel really bad. I am still having to take zo.fran and lom.odil and they start wearing off before the next dose is due.

Jake acted like he felt the best of the three of us even when we went in. Now he is better and Mike and I are still sick. Poor baby though. He got three days of IV antibiotics and now we have a week of orals to give him. I have to give him breathing treatments and he is so good for that. He just loved all the women up there taking care of him. He flashed big old grins until he had them eating out of the palm of his little hand.

We got home this afternoon and Mike and were sitting trying to recover. The house looked like a bomb had gone off because Mike had been picking up after himself while I was staying in the hospital with Jake. I just kept smelling a fool smell. I asked Mike if he had gas and he said no. I asked him if he could smell it and he couldn't of course. Well I came down to the computer and I started a load of wash. Pretty soon after the wash started I could hear water hitting the floor. I could see it dripping off some plumbing. Great! Just what we need! Then I went up to the bathroom to see about the water up there. I found sewage had backed up in the bathtub and that is what I was smelling. Gross! We had to call a plumber and get them here to snake the line to the tank. Bring the baby home to this. I just wanted to cry yet again.

Hmm...

Last Friday I had an interesting experience that was a bit emotional for me. I dug around in a drawer in the bathroom that I haven't been into in a quite some time. It is where "feminine products" are kept. I haven't needed anything from this drawer because of the pill I take and the breast feeding. Well, I dug around in this drawer for something I just knew was there. I thought there was one, just one and I couldn't remember what the wrapper looked like, but I knew it when I saw it. It was an expensive, fancy HPT. My hands were shaking and I was sweating. I was incredibly nauseous. (there in lies the problem). I closed the door and looked at the package. Expiration date of 5/08. I laughed at the thought of having it "expire." I took the test and it took forever. I was scared. The hourglass just kept being on the screen. I put it in the cupboard and went and did a few of my normal just get home from work things. Then I went back in the bathroom and I closed the door. I opened the cupboard but I closed my eyes and pulled the test out. "Not Pregnant" is what it said. I felt relief. Then I cried. This was a totally different experience for me. I am used to looking at them and crying but for different reasons. I just went through about a million emotions and thoughts. I remembered how much it hurt to see this before and the laughed at the relief now.

I have been not feeling well. I have been nauseated quite a lot. I have had a bad back that is very familiar. My sense of smell has been hyperactive. All of these things and few others just feel so familiar. Especially the nausea. I haven't thrown up, but just barely. I don't know what is going on, but I was worried that one of those few times we have had "relations" since having Jake that something happened. I think I want another baby. I absolutely adore Jake, but I worry about having to share my time. I want to be able to give another baby the time I have given Jake, and that could never happen, and I want to be able to keep giving Jake every minute I can. I don't know. I am still mixed. I don't know how hard it would be for me to get pregnant again. I just know I don't want it to happen yet, for sure. I am still not quite completely healed from Jake. I know things won't ever be the way they were before, but I am sure that they aren't as good as they are going to get yet.

I am also concerned about my risk of a repeat of palsy. I am still not back to normal. Actually, it has been worse lately. A lot more painful and I have been having issues with spasticity. I called the doctor's office the day it was the worst and it took two weeks to actually get a message back from the doctor. I was in crying pain and it took TWO WEEKS. Well, I almost called the doctors directly, but I didn't want to abuse my position any more than I already have. They made me get an MRI since I didn't get one while I was pregnant. That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything yet. They are concerned because I am not better than this. They are concerned that I might have a "growth" that is causing compression of my facial nerve. Great! Or maybe it is worse because of stress. We are still struggling a bit. I am so glad Christmas is over and Mike has been working with regularity. I was hoping we would have ourselves pulled back together before our tax return but it looks like we will have to use our tax return to get ourselves back on track.

We have had wonderful new at work that has helped the stress level of us all. We were told we were getting a 3% raise, which is our normal cost of living raise and that there were a whole bunch of new things that were going to be great. Well, they may be great for normal units, but we took a devastating blow. They cut our pay. They are paying us differently now. They have increased shift differentials and added weekend pay and made holiday pay better, but they cut our call pay. We were getting double time when we got called in for emergencies and had to work on call, but now we only get 1.5 time. I know that is pretty common for most places, but it is going to mean a significant pay cut for all of the nurses in my department. What a great Christmas present! As you can imagine, things have gone from cranky to a battlefield. They know they have us in a bind. Most of us can't leave the area. There isn't another hospital to go to so we are getting screwed. And we were told that because "we" got all these other increases, we shouldn't expect a market raise this year. That is usually our big raise. They attempt to make our pay competitive or at least comparable to other hospitals we compete with. My department doesn't benefit from these other increases, call pay is cut, and most likely no market adjustment. Well happy f*ing New Year to us. Our moral has been struggling for so long and this just was more than we could handle. No one has quite, yet. People are openly looking for other jobs. Can you afford a $5000-$12000 pay cut (depending on how much call you take)? Neither can any of us! So that has helped the old stress level as well. I just wish I could get Mike to move away.

Time

Time. I never seem to have any of it. I have a few minutes now only because I am on call and I can't be alone with Jake. I have to wait until my in laws are home and then go pick him up so I have to be quick.

We had an interesting Christmas. It was wonderful to get to see my family for once. The last time I got to spend a Christmas with my sister was seven years ago. My aunt finally made it to see Jake. My sister's visit was too short and my aunt's and mother's were too long. My aunt isn't doing at all well and it is very hard to deal with, especially because we have tried and tried to get her to get help.
It was wonderful to have a little someone to celebrate our Christmas with. Santa brought Jake this Cookie monster that he is way too little to play with. I think Santa really wanted to play with it himself! Poor Jake was a little overwhelmed by all the people though. We have all been sick. Jake and I just got it first and are getting better where as Mike got it a bit later and his is dragging on.
My nephews got to meet their cousin for the very first time! I think all of their other cousins have graduated from college already. Jake didn't hold their attention very long though. The younger two didn't mind playing with some of his toys though.

I hardly even recognized my aunt when she burst though a door and almost knocked me over. She had eye surgery and lost her very thick glasses so that is great. I knew she had gained some weight since I saw her last year at my grandma's funeral. I just didn't realize how much. I was shocked.
Jakey got a jumper for Christmas and he loves it. He loves to stand without one of us helping him. We were going to get him a saucer until they told us how much he loves the jumper at daycare. He has some figuring out to do still but he sure talks to it a lot!
I have so much to type. There have been a lot of things not going very well and I need to vent, but I need to go get my boy. Hopefully soon I can write.

4 months

Today Jacob is four months old. I can't believe it has been 4 months! Jake is now 15 pounds 1 ounce and 25 1/2 inches long. His fourth tooth broke threw yesterday. He is a little stinker today because he isn't feeling all that well from getting shots yesterday. He doesn't want mommy to put him down, not even long enough to go to the bathroom. I got him to sleep in his crib for only about two and half hours last night and then he slept on me in the chair until about 4. I was so kinked up by then I just took him to bed with me. I had to wake Mike up so he knew Jake was there. Jake was nice enough to let me sleep until 730. By then he had turned sideways in the bed and Mike and I were each laying on our sides on the edges of the bed. Thank God it is a king sized bed! We try to keep Jake out of our bed but once and awhile he ends up there. Mostly when mom is desperate for sleep and he will calm down and go to sleep if he is in bed with me. It is awfully convenient for a night time snack to for the little guy.

Jake was doing great with his sleeping the week before Christmas, but this week has been awful. He has gotten up at least once and most nights twice. Too much going on in his house I think. He is still nursing but I am still reconsidering with a near amputation this week. My doctor really encouraged me to keep going or pumping and giving him a bottle because of his already obvious allergies. Now that makes me feel a bit guilty for wanting to stop. I had yet another plugged duct yesterday and I just don't know. We have about enough milk in the freezer to carry us two months... I'll keep trying. We were doing better with the biting. It gets a lot worse when he is teething and he just seems to have the urge to chew everything.

I still can't believe he is ours. Although I am having a difficult time getting anything done (he is actually sleeping in his swing right now) I do like that he wants to snuggle so much when he isn't feeling well. He wants to be right on my chest just like he did when he first came home. I just adore this little guy.

We finally got our three month pictures. They aren't quite what our newborn pictures were, but there are some cute ones. I'm not sure yet how I feel about the photographer. I do like a lot of what you see on her site and blog, but our pictures don't seem to be quite the same. I haven't decided yet about going back. www.shutterbeephotography.com/jacob The pictures will only be available until the 10th I think. I didn't like any of the pictures with me at all. I realize I have a lot of work to do. I really gained a lot of weight in my face during pregnancy and with all that I have lost it would seem like more would have come off my face than has. New Years resolution I guess.

Freedom!!

I has been nice having my family visit, but it went on a bit too long. We took Jake in for his four month check up today and we didn't come home until we knew for certain we would be the only ones there. I love my family, but we need our home and our space back. Mike can walk around in his underwear again. I can pee with the bathroom door open. I just hate feeling like a guest in your own house because someone else has taken over. I will write more tomorrow, I just needed to celebrate my freedom with a few words.

Picture

Just a quick second. I put Jake's little Santa hat picture on here for the week. It is what we ended up using for our Christmas card picture and not on of the three of us. I think it is kind of funny because Mike was taking the pictures with his big fancy camera and this I took with my much "lesser" digital. Anyway, vote for us please because we want to be popular. http://www.simplytoimpress.com/photo-contest/index.php

three and a half months

Things are hard right now. Jake and I have both been sick. Stuffy/runny noses coughs, fevers. Then Jake has been just a bundle of joy working on his third tooth. Poor guy is miserable. He keeps biting his Mommy though when she is trying to feed him. I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to nurse him if he keeps drawing blood. I had hoped I could go until at least six months but I won't have any nipples left if things continue. I don't know what to do. I continue to try the things I have read. I have given him a stern "no" and I have also put him down for awhile and then let him nurse a bit later. I don't know. I can see there is a pattern that it is when he is almost finished that he bites. I have been watching him and I have my hand near to pry myself free when I think he is close to being done. It just frustrates me. I don't want to have to mess with formula. Some how I think we will be the people having to through a dozen different formulas before we are on the most expensive one in the world. That would be my luck.

I could keep pumping and just give him breast milk. However, I hate pumping. It is so hard to try and do at work. I keep getting plugged ducts that I struggle to get cleared before I end up with mastitis. It is miserable to have to work and need to pump and not be able to do it soon enough. That is what I think is happening. I think I'm not able to pump when I need to and then I get stopped up. It hurts so bad. It happened again on Wednesday when I was on call. I had an area I couldn't clear that was the size of a grapefruit. I was on call and I was scared I wouldn't be able get it to drain and I would be stuck at work getting sicker and sicker. I was able to go home several hours later than usual and I put a heating pad on this boulder I now had sitting on my chest. I tried to nurse but the baby had just eaten of course and didn't help me out much. So I just pumped and pressed as hard as I could tolerate. It is surprising how painful that is. I got one area to clear and then the second. I kid you not, milk came out in a constant stream for ten minutes. I got sixteen ounces. No wonder it hurt so much!

So basically, if I can't nurse him I don't want to mess with pumping and giving him breast milk. But I don't want the torture of figuring out what formula he can tolerate. He just has to stop biting. I need help. Anyone know what I should do?

My family will be here in less than a week now and I am having trouble getting excited. I don't want to spend that much time with my mom. I want to see everyone but I don't want all the work of it. This year should be so great because we have the best present ever and some how it just feels more stressful than any previous year. I don't get it.

On a good note, Jake made it two nights last week where he slept from about 8:15pm to 4am! He made it close a third night where he slept until just about 3:30am. But there was the night we were up five times too. Still it is HUGE progress. It makes it easier for mommy to handle other things like her crazy job and the crappy snow.

Jake has grown so much we had to move into size three diapers this week. I just want him to slow down! Too many teeth and too big! If he got his teeth at a normal time like most babies we wouldn't be having so much trouble.

I'm just feeling really down right now. I feel like this year has aged me so much. I was looking at lines around my eyes this morning and it was making me sick. I just feel so tired and so old.

Big boy

I just can't believe how fast Jake is growing up! He has had a fever and been really cranky this weekend because he is getting MORE teeth! His gum is swollen on either side of the teeth he has and then in one place on the top. He is drooling buckets and wants to chew on anything he can get into his mouth. His poor skin is in bad shape still though. I have tried to get a doctor's appointment that works with my work schedule but I couldn't get one before his appointment on the 28th that I was sure we could make. His scalp and forehead just seem to be so itchy for him. I feel so bad. When he sleeps or gets tired he really scratches. I got him up Saturday and there was so much blood in one area on his scalp I was worried. When I got the blood cleaned off it wasn't as bad as I feared, but still. I am afraid he is going to give himself some terrible scars and he will have bald spots all over his head. The hair still isn't growing in very well on the back of his head where they tried to suck him out.

He is getting so big! He loves to try and sit up and he is getting so strong. He is going to have some impressive abs if he keeps it up. He also wants to stand up on you all the time. He is really working on getting his coordination to stand with you only holding his hands. He is also growing like a weed. His cheeks are really filling out and he finally has a tummy that is kind of round. We are really pushing it by finishing this mega pack of size 2 diapers we are on. I got peed on twice last week. I hope we can get all the diapers used up in time!

I had to work yesterday and be on call and it was hard. My mom was here. We had a bad storm but I only had to do one surgery related to a snow incident. That was pretty good. Actually it went well until I got called at about 5 am this morning. I was on call until 7 am. It was a hard case, a craniotomy and I haven't done one with this doctor before. The Sunday crew had to do most of the case but I was still there until almost 9. I just can't leave until everything is well under control. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. There are some people I work with that aren't nice enough to stay and help get everything in order. Thankfully, all the people on my weekend aren't like that. Our house just isn't big enough to have my mom here for so long. She just drives us nuts. She did my laundry so that was nice, kind of. She just won't do things how you like them done, she will only do them her way. Like you have to refold everything so it fits in the drawers. It is just kind of one her passive aggressive things she does. It just gets hard to ignore all the little comments she makes and she makes so many now when she is having "conversations" with Jake. But it was helpful for Mike to have her here especially because Jake didn't feel good. I got home early Saturday and she literally shoved him at me less than two minutes after I got in the door. But then she was insulted when he was happy and smiled for his mom!

Pictures

We got three month pictures taken today. I can't wait to see them. She showed me a few of them as she was taking them and Jakey was so cute. But unfortunately he was kind of a blob. I was wondering how she was going to position him and the answer was with a big bean bag. I can't wait for our six month pictures when Jake can sit up by himself. I am not sure yet if we are going to do nine month or just wait for a year. I guess we will wait and see how these pictures look because we certainly can't afford to go to the same photographer that took our newborn pictures for six and nine months and then again at a year. If these are good we will have to do some thinking. We were just so impressed by Kelly and the actual experience was much much different this time. But the difference in cost is tremendous. The sitting fee and a photo CD with picture rights is quite a bit less than just the sitting fee with the other sitting fee. I know the photographer we went to today is still working on building her clientele and I am sure the numbers will be going up all too soon. We will see...

My aunt is coming on the 20th for Christmas and I am getting excited. I really like her and I can't wait for her to meet Jake. She and my sister each called me last night. They were each concerned about discussions they each had with my mom. They were each concerned if my mom and talked to me about the holiday or if she was just taking it upon herself to take over. They know that we are celebrating at my house and that I love to be a hostess. They know that I really enjoy meal planning and cooking. They also know that I have a three month old. Well, I haven't gone all out by any means. I have thought about it some. However, my mother has not talked to me and I am really really not looking forward to her being here this week. The last time she was here it was awful. It really was awful. I was ready to throw her out. My husband was ready to throw her out. I don't want to have a big blow up right before Christmas, but I just don't know what I can take. I am half way hoping that Mike is gone the whole time and that I have to work a ton. She is coming on Friday night and not leaving until Sunday. We have already decided that we won't allow her to com the next weekend I have to work. It is the hard weekend too where I have to work Friday and am on call until 3pm Saturday and then go on call again at 7 am Sunday and am on call until 7 am Monday, but then I have to work Monday until 3 pm. So it would be nice to have someone here that was good help. But that isn't my mom. Jake will be 4 months by then. Mike will have to stay home from work. His parents can help if I am gone too much and it gets to be too much for him. It isn't like my mom can be here when my call starts at 3 on Friday or can stay until it ends on Monday so someone else has to be available right? I just don't think we can do it again especially with her being here at Christmas. I'm sure she is wanting to come Friday after work and staying until Tuesday or Wednesday. My aunt will be here as a buffer, but that is a long LONG time to be closed up with my mom. It isn't like we can run away because it is our house! I just don't want anything to happen and have Mike or even worse, myself, throw her out. God be with me this weekend and over the holiday. I need all the strength I can get.

One year

It was one year ago on this date that this little boy was created. My goodness what a year! It has had its ups and downs but what an outcome! I just can't believe how fast time is going. I want to keep my baby a baby. I would love more sleep and for him to not bite me, but both of those things will get better. Right??

Last Sunday he discovered his toes. He is now fascinated with them. Any minute they are going to make into his mouth. He is also stuck with socks on one or both of his hands much of the time. I always thought the mothers who covered up their baby's hands were mean and now I am one. He is scratching his head something awful. He takes the skin off in chunks. He has pictures on Tuesday and I want to have as few scabs as possible on his face! I just adore this little boy. I can't imagine my life without him now.

Mike and I will have been together nine years this week. We are closer now than ever. I don't even enjoy his time away anymore. I love having him here with me and his son. I love to see him with his son. This great big grouchy guy turns into a big ball of goo over this little boy. I'm sure others of you have noticed this to be true about your husbands as well. They have a man voice. It kind of conjures pictures of them peeing a circle around what is theirs when another male is around. Mike's already low voice seems to drop an octave. His chest seems to puff out too. Anyway, he doesn't notice this happens around other men. So I have always thought this was funny and now I see this man dancing around in front of his son talking baby talk in this squeaky little voice. I like to stand back and just watch. Jake laughs at him, as he is supposed too. I just warms my heart. I love my men so much.