Hmm...

Last Friday I had an interesting experience that was a bit emotional for me. I dug around in a drawer in the bathroom that I haven't been into in a quite some time. It is where "feminine products" are kept. I haven't needed anything from this drawer because of the pill I take and the breast feeding. Well, I dug around in this drawer for something I just knew was there. I thought there was one, just one and I couldn't remember what the wrapper looked like, but I knew it when I saw it. It was an expensive, fancy HPT. My hands were shaking and I was sweating. I was incredibly nauseous. (there in lies the problem). I closed the door and looked at the package. Expiration date of 5/08. I laughed at the thought of having it "expire." I took the test and it took forever. I was scared. The hourglass just kept being on the screen. I put it in the cupboard and went and did a few of my normal just get home from work things. Then I went back in the bathroom and I closed the door. I opened the cupboard but I closed my eyes and pulled the test out. "Not Pregnant" is what it said. I felt relief. Then I cried. This was a totally different experience for me. I am used to looking at them and crying but for different reasons. I just went through about a million emotions and thoughts. I remembered how much it hurt to see this before and the laughed at the relief now.

I have been not feeling well. I have been nauseated quite a lot. I have had a bad back that is very familiar. My sense of smell has been hyperactive. All of these things and few others just feel so familiar. Especially the nausea. I haven't thrown up, but just barely. I don't know what is going on, but I was worried that one of those few times we have had "relations" since having Jake that something happened. I think I want another baby. I absolutely adore Jake, but I worry about having to share my time. I want to be able to give another baby the time I have given Jake, and that could never happen, and I want to be able to keep giving Jake every minute I can. I don't know. I am still mixed. I don't know how hard it would be for me to get pregnant again. I just know I don't want it to happen yet, for sure. I am still not quite completely healed from Jake. I know things won't ever be the way they were before, but I am sure that they aren't as good as they are going to get yet.

I am also concerned about my risk of a repeat of palsy. I am still not back to normal. Actually, it has been worse lately. A lot more painful and I have been having issues with spasticity. I called the doctor's office the day it was the worst and it took two weeks to actually get a message back from the doctor. I was in crying pain and it took TWO WEEKS. Well, I almost called the doctors directly, but I didn't want to abuse my position any more than I already have. They made me get an MRI since I didn't get one while I was pregnant. That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything yet. They are concerned because I am not better than this. They are concerned that I might have a "growth" that is causing compression of my facial nerve. Great! Or maybe it is worse because of stress. We are still struggling a bit. I am so glad Christmas is over and Mike has been working with regularity. I was hoping we would have ourselves pulled back together before our tax return but it looks like we will have to use our tax return to get ourselves back on track.

We have had wonderful new at work that has helped the stress level of us all. We were told we were getting a 3% raise, which is our normal cost of living raise and that there were a whole bunch of new things that were going to be great. Well, they may be great for normal units, but we took a devastating blow. They cut our pay. They are paying us differently now. They have increased shift differentials and added weekend pay and made holiday pay better, but they cut our call pay. We were getting double time when we got called in for emergencies and had to work on call, but now we only get 1.5 time. I know that is pretty common for most places, but it is going to mean a significant pay cut for all of the nurses in my department. What a great Christmas present! As you can imagine, things have gone from cranky to a battlefield. They know they have us in a bind. Most of us can't leave the area. There isn't another hospital to go to so we are getting screwed. And we were told that because "we" got all these other increases, we shouldn't expect a market raise this year. That is usually our big raise. They attempt to make our pay competitive or at least comparable to other hospitals we compete with. My department doesn't benefit from these other increases, call pay is cut, and most likely no market adjustment. Well happy f*ing New Year to us. Our moral has been struggling for so long and this just was more than we could handle. No one has quite, yet. People are openly looking for other jobs. Can you afford a $5000-$12000 pay cut (depending on how much call you take)? Neither can any of us! So that has helped the old stress level as well. I just wish I could get Mike to move away.