Still hanging in there

I have my days, or rather my moments. I am still feeling better than I was which is still crappy if that makes any sense at all. I am worse in the mornings and do better when I don't have to jump out of bed and get ready for work. I am taking fewer and fewer naps, but I still want them. I really want to take a nap about 1330, which of course, is when I am still at work.

I have frequent emotional breakdowns on my own time. I am just less patient with others at work. And I am more sensitive to what they say or do in relation to me. I don't let them know that, because I am a stuffer of course. I do freak out at home though. I sob, I wonder what the hell I am doing, I wonder how I am going to do this, I wonder what was I thinking. Then I am terrified. I have had a lot of cramping which scares the fuck out of me. We are still here. It still isn't entirely real to me. I need to see. My ultrasound is Monday and I am just hoping everything is great. I just think this is going to be a long time. I don't know if I will ever be able to relax. That isn't me by nature and I have seen too many bad things. It is always that bad that sticks with you. It doesn't matter if you see a thousand things go perfectly it is that 1001 that didn't that sticks with you.

For so long I didn't think I was ready to get married and be a mom. I didn't think I was "old enough" or something. I just knew I needed to wait until I knew I could do a good job. I have been told over and over again that I have plenty of time. We had plans, we knew what we wanted. Then it was suggested to me that maybe I shouldn't wait too much longer and I thought "I still have time." Then as we moved forward with our plans I realized things weren't working out just as we hoped. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant immediately, but of course I hoped. I started looking into the world of infertility. It scared the shit out of me. I was shocked at how young some of the women are and how long they have already been working on this by age 25. We started preparing ourselves for what may be ahead of us. We started reading about different problems and different solutions and the TREMENDOUS expense. I just don't think I am as strong as most of these women. They amaze me, as I sit here bawling. I read their stories and think what wonderful moms they will be. The things they have to put their bodies through. I know I would have done whatever it took, but now I sit here wondering if we can do this. I'm afraid we will be terrible parents. I wish we could have waited until we had a bit different financial picture, but who knows how long that might have been. I feel guilty that I am pregnant and I have doubts and here they are more deserving than me. I just flip out sometimes.