What a day off

Yesterday was a much better day off than today. I did feel so much better after getting some highlights and trim. It made me realise I am going to have to go back again though before I have the baby. My hair is very thin and fine and I have to baby it as far as what I do to it chemically, but I'm still going back soon. It will just get shorter and shorter. Oh well.

I went to a home improvement store afterwards to pick up a few painting supplies to get the damn bathroom done. I was hoping the weather would be nice today and I would take the cabinet doors off and take them outside and get them finished. It was so nice of Mike to get them up for when we had company at Thanksgiving but there they still sit with just primer on them! I love Mike dearly and he IS a very handy guy. He can fix plumbing, he thinks he can do wiring (although everything he had done was better than we started with), and he can fix anything with a motor. He just sucks and getting big things finished or little things done. Anyway, so I know that I am just going to have to open the windows and finish the touch ups and take off the doors and do it myself. (good things to know when looking for a new house, definitely not a fixer-upper). Anyway, I saw this guy that I used to have a bit of a crush on years ago at this store. I felt sad, for him. He is exactly the same. I suppose at 30 or 31 that isn't the worst thing in the world but still. He pulled in the same time I did and I waited to see who in our rural community could possibly own that car. I was expecting a midlife crisis age man to get out not someone my age. I then saw him a number of times through the store and did truly feel sad for him. He had to stop and talk to any woman in tight jeans. He isn't all that age discriminatory either (surprisingly). I was just sad that he hasn't moved out of that stage of his life yet. Then I though, what the hell was I ever thinking?!?

I didn't feel good again last night. I have been having GI problems again since Friday or Saturday and it was really uncomfortable. I was kind of anxious with it. I really wished Mike had been home. I don't know what he could possibly have done, I just wanted him. I did go to sleep in his huge chair last night and that helped some. This is random, but I hate feet. They gross me out something terrible. Mike has nasty, truly nasty feet that smell so bad. In general I want to be no where near his big stinky feet or shoes. Here is the sad thing, when he is out on a run I wear his nasty slippers around the house, just because they are his.

So today, I had an appointment with my regular doctor to refill all my allergy and asthma medications. It was fine. I got there early because I needed to update my name and insurance since I haven't been there for awhile. All of the offices seem to want to add Mike to my account and not vice versa. What does that say? I go more often or I am more responsible about prompt payment of my bill? I just thought that was interesting. I mean the insurance is through his work. I don't know but I have gone to the eye doctor, dentist, and now the family practice and it has been the same. Anyway, I got out of the office pretty quickly which was nice. She was concerned about my current illness, which I said I know I am just to the waiting for it to end stage. She was concerned about my voice though and said if it isn't better by next week I need steroids. I don't do steroids well and she knows that.

Then I got to go to the pharmacy and fill all my inhaler prescriptions and the pharmacist tried to give me a lecture. I wouldn't let him. I told him that now of these were new medications for me and I was fine. I was tickled pink about the bill though. I walked out paying $30 for what would have cost me more than $150 with the insurance I had through the hospital. I came home and Mike had been rudely awakened by someone ringing our doorbell. He was not happy and they were gone by the time he got some pants on. I saw that it was some missionaries that he had just told not to come to our house this weekend. He would have been so mad if they had been there! Mike got up and argued with our insurance company for awhile. My transition from one company to the other has not been smooth. I signed up for his insurance during open enrollment to start at the first of the year. I couldn't change when we got married because I was having problems with my wrist and had already been seeking treatment for it. Surgery would cure the problem, but if I changed to Mike's insurance it would be preexisting and I wouldn't be able to get it covered for two years! So I didn't change since we knew I could in a few months. Well, when I signed up for Mike's insurance they made the coverage retroactive back to the day we got married. Then they didn't want to pay when I cancelled my insurance because they said they were my secondary insurance company. What a freaking nightmare this has been. I still haven't seen a bill for anything related to the baby and I am scared. One day I will get these bills in the mail and they will all be due upon receipt for tons of money. One of the VERY first things the nurse went over with us was a price sheet breaking down every lab, ultrasound, and visit. These numbers made me want to quit my job and get medicaid! Thank God for insurance, once we ever get it straightened out! When we were looking into infertility testing and treatments Mike just couldn't believe our insurance wouldn't pay anything and how much it was going to cost. I just don't know how we could have done it. He would have done anything for me, but I know how. Anyway, I hope today he got it straightened out. It has been so nice because he hasn't made me do any of the calling and hassle. How responsible!

Then as we ate lunch Mike got a nose bleed. He gets the occasional nose bleed but this was like what I see as a postop bleed. He lost A LOT of blood before it got stopped. After he held pressure for 15 min I looked at it. It was pumping. I called the ENT to see if we should go to their office or go to the ER. The only doctor there was in an office surgery so I grabbed both our stuff and pulled poor Mike to the ER. He bleed heavily for an hour and five minutes before it stopped spontaneously. I was shocked that they didn't draw blood from him to check his H&H. Believe me, I know what a lot of blood looks like and this qualified. He lost a liter of blood. I'm sure he had that to spare (he is a smoker and if you didn't know smokers have more of the oxygen carrying component in their blood, for obvious reasons, than nonsmokers. It also means he should clot faster!) God only knows what that visit cost. I was so glad I was home. He doesn't do well with blood. So today was not a restful day. I didn't get anything done that I needed to, but we did go by a humidifier. I sure that would have been quite a help for me these past two weeks had I thought of it. I'm just ready for bed, I think!

Something new

I discovered Saturday, after my first thing vomit followed by a coughing that I have a damn hernia. My groins, particularly the right side, have been very sore with all the abdominal muscle torture. I have been kind of paying extra attention to that. What I hadn't though about was my belly button. For some reason I had one hand on my stomach and the other over my mouth, like a good girl. Holy shit! What the hell was that?!? I coughed again, this time on purpose and sure enough there is an umbilical hernia. I was standing in front of my husband while I was doing this (before the coughing fit he was giving me sympathy for his child making me so ill). I pulled up my shirt and showed him. He freaked out. He grabbed his boots and was trying to take me to the hospital. I laughed and then he freaked out more. It is little and I will talk to my doctor and a general surgeon when I go back to work. I don't know what we do. It goes away, but with my belly to grow that would put more stress on the muscles and make it larger, therefore increasing the possibility of having an incarceration. I don't know. I'm not going to worry about it yet. I am more concerned with the idea of anesthesia during pregnancy, which is less risky than it used to be. Anyway, I know too much and yet not enough about these things.

We had a beautiful weekend. Well, we had our usual horrendous winds, but it was nice other than that. I need to get outside and get some work done in the yard. My husband thinks I won't be able to do anything by the time April gets here and he is all worried about finding a kid to hire to help me with flowers and stuff. He can sure be an ass a lot, but other times he is so cute I could just pinch him.

I took advantage of the nice weather yesterday and went to open houses. This apparently, was the same idea everyone else in town had. Some of the houses were so packed you couldn't look at anything. Most of the people seemed to bring there entire extended families. Mike won't go with me and that is fine. (I just posted on Mike and shopping. It isn't a good thing). I'm not going to live in a house that he likes and I don't and I do take him into consideration when I looking. He will come with a realtor for the condensed viewing. If we have five houses on the list I bet he will be done by the third. He is so funny. Comparison shopping means nothing to him.

I am hungry enough that I have started cooking again. I almost forgot that I like to cook. I have an obscene cookbook collection and I even got a couple out and made a shopping list and got all the ingredients. I have even made a couple of the recipes so far. I still can not stand raw hamburger. Not the look or smell. I bought some and I bought some bulk sausage. I couldn't do the sausage either. I had to open the doors and windows when Mike cooked it too. We went over to my in laws for dinner Saturday and Mike ended up cooking because both of his parents didn't feel good. Sadly it was too windy to grill, so he had to cook hamburgers inside. That still grosses me out. They sure tasted good though.

I am going to get my hair done in little bit and I am so looking forward to it. I'm going to end up missing a meeting at work that was rescheduled for today from last Monday. Well, I was all ready then, but I had this appointment for my day off. I don't really care. However, I have to make so many of these meetings or I stand the chance to have a 3% raise taken away next year. That would suck, but they changed the damn meeting. At this point, while I still have the money, I would rather get my hair done. I was told I didn't have to wait until after the first trimester to get highlights, but I wanted to wait until I was feeling better and thought I could make it through without getting sick. I hope that is the case. My hair is really depressing me. It reminds me how old I am getting to be. My hair used to be pretty blond with lots of highlights I didn't have to pay for. Well, it just keeps getting darker as I age and I don't like that. I got very little from my dad's side that was good, but the one good thing I did get was lasting color. I don't look too hard, but I don't have any grey hair, yet. Now that I am pregnant and will have a baby, I'm sure that will change. But still, I will be happy with a new set of highlights.

Conversation with a dumbass

Dumbass: It's good to see you. How are you guys doing?

Me: We are doing well. We are going to have a baby.

Dumbass: Congratulations, when are you due?

Me: August 22

Dumbass: Wow, you didn't plan that very well did you?

This is when the throb starts behind my eyes and I start seeing red. Then my tongue forks and my head spins around a few times. All sorts of words form but I am too polite to say them.

Instead, Me: We're happy to take what we can get.

Generally the conversation seems to end there. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this. Every time it makes me angrier than the time before. The last two were the worst and I wasn't quite as polite to one of them. See, it was the daughter of one of my coworkers. She brought her little boy up to visit. The little boy SHE got pregnant with when she was a junior in high school! And she says I didn't plan that very well! What I said to her was that for some of us it takes more than one try to get pregnant. The other one was someone who knows we have been trying and talked to me about her own infertility problems. That one hurt.

What the hell is wrong with people?

New world

This week has brought about some interesting new journeys for me. I have started looking at and for baby stuff. I think I have overwhelmed myself a little. I freaked out a couple of times. Who knew there were eight million different car seats and so many different kinds of cribs it is ridiculous. I am holding out for the crib that converts into printing press so I can make enough money to pay for all of this stuff. I am looking at stuff and I ask my sister questions and then she tells me about a whole other line of products that I hadn't even seen. I just want someone to tell me what I need. Exactly what I need. No choices, buy this. I can't involve my husband too much because he can't handle this stuff. I have to do the research and come up with two or three things for him to "help" decided on. He sees me freak out and he threatens to "just go buy something." Oh what a disaster that would be! We are definitely different kinds of shoppers and you wouldn't believe with the crap he can come home with!

I still have a terrible cough and virtually no voice. There are probably some at work that think that latter of those two is fine. I don't care. It still burns to breathe but there is no infection. My muscles are sore from my neck to my pubis from coughing and vomiting. I actually didn't start my day by throwing up twice this week! Two days in row as a matter of fact! If I could just get well, I might feel like a person again. I managed to gain two of the four pounds I lost last week. I'm still surprised about that. I thought I would pick those right back up.

People are starting to drive me nuts though. I can't wait until I have my next ultrasound and the baby had better cooperate. Everyone is now telling me their theory on what I am going to have. I don't like that. There is only one that I am curious about because I have seen others go through it. I can't tell you how many women tell me they were only sick with their girls. I personally have only witnessed one exception and she had HG and that doesn't count. What have you heard on the matter??? I know all I really want is to have a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy. That is what I say and know to be true. I really want a boy, first. I don't know why exactly, but I do. Growing up, my family was almost all female. I had two male cousins and they were my only blood male relatives. I had two uncles that were married two my aunts and a step-grandpa. I wanted a brother. I suspect I also have a deeper psychological reason that I am don't want to even acknowledge. Anyway, would I be happy with a girl? Yes, but there will probably be a little bit of disappointment. I have a ton more experience with girls and they are more fun to shop for, and I do want a girl, I just want a boy first.

I guess I am just happy I am having a baby and that is all that is and should be important. Back to people... One of my friends now thinks she can touch my stomach. I must confess I do like touching pregnant tummies and feeling the baby move. BUT there are rules. I wouldn't consider it if it were not a very good friend. I don't do it unless it is the third trimester. Most importantly I ask first. Usually I won't do it unless she brings it up - says the baby is really pushing a foot out right here. Okay, so my friend is now touching my fat stomach. I tell her that! You are just touching my fat belly, there is no baby there. She did it three times yesterday and only stopped when I reached over and rubbed her fat belly. I think she got the picture. Was that too bitchy??

Weekends are too short

Every weekend is too short. I could barely drag my feet out of bed this morning. I just kept thinking I should have another day off. Oh well, one of my coworkers offered to work for me next Monday and that will give me a four day weekend so I suppose I can make it until then. I just have to take it one day at a time.

I managed to keep pretty busy this weekend. My mom came to town Saturday and I went to lunch with her and shopping. She wore me out. I don't think she took a breath for five and a half hours. She had all sorts of things to show me and things to tell me about the new place she is renting. When she shows up, we take my car and leave hers behind and then I have some control over what is happening. I can't stand riding in her car and it does make me sick even when I am not pregnant. You get so used to driving something up off the ground and it is hard to ride in a car!

My mom shamed me. She pulled out all this fabric left over from a blanket she made my nephew and she was asking if there where any squares I liked or would "work" with my colors. I told her we are waiting to find out what we are having before we decide. She got pissed because I said "we." In the end, I will probably make the color decisions and it will be more like which shade do you like better honey. She just couldn't believe I couldn't make those decisions on my own. I can, I just haven't and want to have my husband's input. Besides, what I told her was the honest truth. I haven't thought about it. I have been focusing on making it through each and every day and that is it. I have only had hope that I would feel better. I do now if it wasn't for the bronchitis and crap.

Then I felt guilty because I haven't started looking into anything for my child. I still stand by the surviving bit and the fact that I have time on my side still. So now I have started asking questions and looking into things on the internet. We have a pretty sad selection that is available to us locally.

I was able to get out of some of the shopping because I said I was too tired. I was too tired to cope with my mother any longer. I came home and put on some pj's and just hung out. I decided to work on some more laundry and so I trudged to the basement and got to work. Mike had changed the litter box for me earlier so I could work down there and he said it smelled in there. I thought, duh, you just changed the cat box that you should have changed last weekend. But then I smelled something too, natural gas. The house we live in is about fifty years old, so is the furnace and water heater - both gas. I got myself out of the basement, came up and called Mike because he was out running around. I started opening windows and doors and he came home. He went down and smelled it too. Great. Just what we need. I got the heck out because he made me and he called the gas company. He wouldn't get my animals out and he wouldn't let me back in! He did at least let me out of the driveway because I was just getting ready to make myself dinner when this happened. I got some fast food (still in the pj's) and went over to his parent's empty house to wait. Their dog just kept farting on me and I thought that was worse than the gas at my house.

To stop rambling, they found nothing. That didn't make me feel better. Mike did smell it too. (it was mentioned a few times that maybe I was just "too sensitive" because of the pregnancy). Whatever, now I am going to be constantly on the sniff. That just reinforces that we need to move.

Sunday was a beautiful day. It was 60 degrees and a sun was wonderful. I missed some of it because I took a two and a half hour nap, but it was a good day. The weather changes too fast. Now it is in the low 30s rain has changed into huge snowflakes that are just beating down. That will be nice, since everything will have a layer of ice under it. Oh well.

Almost 14 weeks

After my ultrasound Monday, I have finally felt better. I actually felt hungry. I know I needed to see the baby and see that everything was fine. I think that has helped my emotional well-being. I also know that this Tuesday marks 14 weeks (I don't know why the counter is off, I should just change the due date). I am a worrier and that is what I do. If there is anything or anyone to worry about I will. If I care about you at all I have worried about you, probably for nothing, but I still have.

I am still vomiting in the morning, but I don't feel sick the entire day. That is so wonderful! However, everyone around me has been sick, very sick. I had managed to escape this which I thought was miraculous, because I have a crappy immune system (might fit with the worrying). I thought maybe, just maybe, the baby was giving me super strength. Wednesday my number was up. I am still hoarse much of the time (which is also part of the illness) but it usually starts getting better about mid day. It didn't, and then I started coughing. Of course, I was on call Wednesday and had to work until about 2030. By then I had a fever and was crabbier than hell. I felt really bad the next day for those who had to work with me. I apologized, but I didn't want to be around me that night. So Thursday I was worse. My cough was now productive and I was lethargic at best. But, you don't call in sick to my job. I didn't get to go home any early at all because the day was so busy. I did however work with my OB so he witnessed my illness and took pity on me.

Anyway, I had my second OB appointment on Friday. I got a concerned lecture about something I NEVER thought I would hear in my life. (I know I will be getting the opposite lecture soon enough). They are concerned because I have lost 10 pounds since the day of my positive pregnancy test. I have be sick! I did lose 4 pounds from Monday to Friday. I told him I haven't been able to eat much with the crap I got. I have been drinking insane amounts of water because it helps with the coughing, and I eat what I can, but I know it has been not a lot. I laughed and told him it was only a temporary problem. I said look at me, do think this is going to be an ongoing issue. He didn't have anything to say. He did give me some antibiotics though and I must say, I do feel a lot better. Most people have this crap for about three weeks and I am sure hoping that won't be the case.

Picture

Here is the slightly creepy picture because you can see all the facial bones. It does look a little better before scanned. This little thing has turned my life upside down and inside out. The vomiting and the bawling, the doubts and the anger. I don't know if I am coming or going sometimes, but this little thing is what I have desperately wanted. This little thing scares the crap out of me. This little thing is what I will do anything for.

Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound yesterday. I scanned in the pictures last night when I got home from having dinner with the in-laws, but Mike put in a new program and I was too tired to figure out how to get all my personal information cropped or colored out. It was cool. I was a few minutes late getting out of work so I just went straight to the dr's office since it is in the same complex as the hospital. Mike was at home and coming up to meet me. He didn't want to get there as early as I was so he waited. They took me back early!! When is anything at a doctor's office ahead of schedule?!?! I had to call Mike and leave a voice mail because he was in the elevator I think to get his ass up there. She started without him, but he still got to see everything he cared to see. It didn't matter how many times I told him at home that we wouldn't be able to tell gender yet, he still had to ask.


Thankfully, we have one baby. There is a strong family history of twins in my family and some in Mike's. My hope was that since we had to work this hard to get pregnant there would just be one. One very active baby. She was having trouble measuring anything because it flipped around so much. We saw the ventricles in the brain, the bladder, stomach, heart. We saw two arms, two legs, two ears and two eyes. We could count five fingers on one hand. The facial bones all showed up well (which is a little creepy). She said the baby measures a couple days larger than dates but still in the range. That surprised me because I was expecting her to tell us it was 3 or 4 days smaller, since we know exactly when I ovulated. Whatever, in the end I don't predict having a small baby. I cried and then choked because I was trying hard not to cry. You would think the tech would see a lot of crying but she acted like I was unusual. This baby that I have wanted so badly can finally be real to me. I could see a heart beating. I could see that it was moving around and looked all right. I could see that the placenta was nicely nestled in at the top of my uterus. Of course now I want a weekly appointment to just "see" that everything is going alright in there.

Still hanging in there

I have my days, or rather my moments. I am still feeling better than I was which is still crappy if that makes any sense at all. I am worse in the mornings and do better when I don't have to jump out of bed and get ready for work. I am taking fewer and fewer naps, but I still want them. I really want to take a nap about 1330, which of course, is when I am still at work.

I have frequent emotional breakdowns on my own time. I am just less patient with others at work. And I am more sensitive to what they say or do in relation to me. I don't let them know that, because I am a stuffer of course. I do freak out at home though. I sob, I wonder what the hell I am doing, I wonder how I am going to do this, I wonder what was I thinking. Then I am terrified. I have had a lot of cramping which scares the fuck out of me. We are still here. It still isn't entirely real to me. I need to see. My ultrasound is Monday and I am just hoping everything is great. I just think this is going to be a long time. I don't know if I will ever be able to relax. That isn't me by nature and I have seen too many bad things. It is always that bad that sticks with you. It doesn't matter if you see a thousand things go perfectly it is that 1001 that didn't that sticks with you.

For so long I didn't think I was ready to get married and be a mom. I didn't think I was "old enough" or something. I just knew I needed to wait until I knew I could do a good job. I have been told over and over again that I have plenty of time. We had plans, we knew what we wanted. Then it was suggested to me that maybe I shouldn't wait too much longer and I thought "I still have time." Then as we moved forward with our plans I realized things weren't working out just as we hoped. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant immediately, but of course I hoped. I started looking into the world of infertility. It scared the shit out of me. I was shocked at how young some of the women are and how long they have already been working on this by age 25. We started preparing ourselves for what may be ahead of us. We started reading about different problems and different solutions and the TREMENDOUS expense. I just don't think I am as strong as most of these women. They amaze me, as I sit here bawling. I read their stories and think what wonderful moms they will be. The things they have to put their bodies through. I know I would have done whatever it took, but now I sit here wondering if we can do this. I'm afraid we will be terrible parents. I wish we could have waited until we had a bit different financial picture, but who knows how long that might have been. I feel guilty that I am pregnant and I have doubts and here they are more deserving than me. I just flip out sometimes.

feeling a bit better

Despite my weekend of work, I am feeling a bit better. Apparently taking more and more prilosec helps me. I am hoping that it is also time. I am 11w6d today and I am hoping, praying that things are just starting to get better. I didn't vomit yesterday and I haven't so far today. I was able to eat cautiously on Saturday. Yesterday I was able to scarf just about anything when I actually had the opportunity to eat. Today I am hungry.

I am still a shit magnet for call, but it really wasn't that bad. I was able to go home a little after 1800 on Friday and didn't get called back all night. I did have to come in on Saturday when for the first time in at least four years I was going to be home oncall (because my weekend is FINALLY fully staffed with RNs). We had to open a second room on Saturday to get the work done in a reasonable fashion. It is terrible to start the day on Saturday with a whole day's work because there are always emergencies and add-ons. We were still able to be out by a little after 1230 I think. Sunday was a different story. When I got to work to washout and infected hip I found Saturday's call crew still there in the mist of a mess. They were nice enough to tell us that we could leave them be and get started with our own day. We had five cases on already when we are supposed to be doing "emergencies" only. The other crew was also nice enough to do one of the five cases for us (4 out of 5 were the same surgeon) to try to ease our day. Of course, these are the people that we helped Saturday (not exactly by choice though) by working in a second room. We had to interrupt our cases to do an actual emergency but it wasn't too bad. One of our instrument people was nice enough to come in and give us a hand and that probably shaved 2-3 hours off our day. We were finished a little before 1700, but one of us had to come back at 1830 for a tissue retrieval. They couldn't come when were there and working, no, it had to be latter. My orientee and I came in and were there for another 5 hours. So I ended up with 15 hours yesterday. Of course the last five were spent finding things to keep ourselves awake. We don't have to do anything for the tissue retrieval, just be available to this team that has flown in and clean up after them. It was 2343 when I walked in the door and I still had to be oncall for the whole rest of the night and report back at 0615. We were incredibly overstaffed today and after a mere two hours I got to come home. Whatever will I do with myself?? Actually, my husband was home all weekend when I wasn't so I didn't get to see him. He hasn't gone to work (or gotten up) yet today so hopefully we can spend some time together.

Tired

I am not quite as tired as I was a few weeks ago, but I still take a nap just about everyday. The nurse at the OB office told me I needed to get out walking everyday. When? I get home from work, take a nap, eat dinner by now it is dark and the Y is packed. Watch TV for an hour or so and go to bed. I am hoping with the second trimester I will be feeling better and have more (any?) energy.

I have been miserable too. I feel sick all the time. Today was the first day I wasn't able to get both of the dogs out for their morning business before getting sick. Thank goodness it was 0530 on a Saturday and it was snowing when I was out with Molly because I had no control. A week ago I talked to one of our ENTs because I am getting so hoarse. I blend in because everyone else is sick. But mine is from vomiting. He said a combination of the acid and, as the DOCTOR put it, the "chunding" and how I strain my vocal cords then. He told me to start taking prilosec to help raise the pH of my stomach and I have been. But I started getting sicker. I have had terrible GI pain. I get sick twice a day and feel miserable the rest of the day. I am in pain after I eat. Yesterday, I even sought out a General Surgeon and asked if I could vomit my way into a hiatal hernia. He patted my on the head and said no, but if I already had one it might be more irritated. He told me to take two prilosec a day. Well, I have never had anything like this before, but it feels like I have a partial gastric obstruction when I eat. I can only eat a very small amount and then I feel very sick. I have epigastric pain for a long time and then it starts to easy and I am starving. So the cycle goes.

I am very unhappy with my charge nurse right now because she keeps putting me in surgeries requiring x-rays. I am not alone in noticing this either. Before I was pregnant, I might do 2-3 cases a week requiring x-rays. Now it is AT LEAST one a day. Most of them aren't little cases either. It pisses me off. Our OR provides us with front shielding aprons and my job requires I move constantly around the room. The title is "circulator" for pete's sake. We have two small wraparound aprons and I wear one of those in addition to my regular apron. The aprons are very heavy, particularly the wrap and it, of course, adds weight and pressure to my abdomen. So whenever I have to wear one of these (always after lunch) it only adds to my pain.

Yesterday was terrible. I seem to do pretty well with bread so I had a total of five pieces of toast for the day (three plain, but I did get PB on two), 1 apple, two andes mints, 1 small piece of cheese and two crackers, and not as much water as I needed. I felt lucky to manage that. Today has been a different story though. I was able to eat part of an omelet for breakfast. Didn't feel great for awhile, but it wasn't pain, just sick. I pigged out at lunch. I ate almost all of a prime rib sandwich with cheese, onions and mushrooms. Okay, I didn't eat half of the meat and some of the bread but I did get all the mushrooms and cheese. I ate some mini peanut butter cups too later. But I am still scared to eat dinner. I am afraid going into every meal.

Last night when I had to work late since I was oncall, I got to talk to one of the other OB doctors I will see and she said as long as I am keeping something down and fluids, I'm okay. I just don't feel that way. This will get better soon. (I keep saying that). THIS will END with the first trimester. THIS WILL get better. It has to. I am not a strong enough woman for this. What did I get myself into? That is what I keep asking myself as I sit and cry when Mike is gone to work at night. How am I going to do this? I feel like a failure already. Other women do this with out it being a big deal, what the hell is wrong with me??