How long is it going to last?

I am not feeling well. Morning sickness, which is hitting me more in the afternoon, is not going well. I gag very easily as it is but now... In surgery there are lots of gross things some people may think. Very little bothers me most of the time. I am not big on vomit and mucous. I don't do well with anything suctioned out of an airway any day of the year. I usually ignore it and it is fine. Right now however, the sound of upper airway suctioning is killing me. The sight of an ET tube coming out of a patient with secretions hanging off of it does me in. Part of my job is to be next to the patient while they are waking up and while the airway is being managed. These are not things I can avoid. I don't know what to do. Today, there happened to be two anesthetists in the room in addition to the scrub, my trainee, and myself. That was the only reason I could run out and vomit until I thought my eyes would explode. God help me. I am really tired of hearing that sometimes this lasts the whole nine months. Of course, it still doesn't feel real to me aside from the sickness and the breasts that feel like they are going to pop, and the need to pee every 5 minutes. Maybe when I can see the baby or get to hear a heart beat, then I will feel better about all the vomit.

Bev

Today I went to the funeral of an incredible woman. Bev was an anesthetist in our department when I started. I only got to work with her for a few years, but she is like no other person I have ever met. She always had a smile on her face and a kind word.

Bev became a nurse many years ago. She was the director of nursing at our town's old hospital. I didn't know that. She was such a sweet woman it surprises me to hear she held that position. She became a nurse anesthetist. She was a missionary in African for more than ten years in the 1960s-1970s. She only left because it became so dangerous they couldn't stay anymore. She was literally airlifted out in the middle of a war.

I loved to hear her tell stories about doing surgery in Africa. They did amazing things with very little. For a long time after I started I thought she might be a nun. She never married and back then I felt sad for her that she didn't have a family of her own. As I got to know her I realized she had a very large family and was extremely close to many of her nieces and nephews. She had a wonderful family.

She retired in 2002, I think. She traveled some. She would stop in and visit us from time to time. She was thoroughly enjoying her retirement. Suddenly she started having some health problems. It took them a bit to figure it about, but she had ALS. Actually a fairly aggressive form of ALS.

Some of her friends and family formed a support group for/with her. I never went, but I'm not sure why. It makes me sad now that I didn't. Bev had a letter written at each of the meetings that was brought back to use and we have a special book where we keep these letters. This woman's faith was amazing. She never had a pity party, she never got mad at God for letting this happen to her. She never questioned why did this happen to her. She was amazing. She was a living breathing angel while she was here with us. Please watch down on me, Bev. Please help me to be a better person like you.

Merry Christmas

Against my better judgement, we told our families today. I'm not sure how it went over. I thought people would be more excited. My sister, aunt, and friends that I told were much more excited than our parents. Hmm... I don't know. I know it is still early and I am apprehensive about getting too attached but I thought the grandparents would be more excited. This will mean the first in my husbands family and the "close one" for my mom. I did tell my boss on Friday and it went very well. I was surprised.

My husband has started talking to my belly and I cry. The first time he did it I sobbed and I don't know why. It just... I don't know causes some hormonal meltdown in me.

I hope everyone out there in blog land had a Merry Christmas. Mine went pretty well. I just wish I had tomorrow off to sleep. No such luck. I am afraid my job is going to kick my ass.

Titles can be too much pressure

I don't feel good today. I have been queasy in the afternoons since last week before I even knew I was pregnant. I was sick this morning though and that was a first. I had been up for awhile and I went and got in bed with my husband. (he was able to make it home surprising fast this time). He hadn't been in bed but for a couple of hours and he was taking me to work today. His alarm had been going off and I thought I would snuggle for a few minutes before I got into the shower. He leaned over to kiss me. The weight of his body made me cough and the cough made me heave. My husband makes me puke. I made it to the bathroom but I was very sick. My poor sweet husband, he got sick from hearing me.

I just feel crummy today. I am crampy and that terrifies me. I kept sitting down at work today because I was affraid I was doing too much. I am just so scared and tired.

Let it snow

You can't see the flakes falling in these pictures but they are relatively large. We are supposed to be in the middle of a huge storm. Last night they said 16 - 22 inches. I don't know what the updated report is yet. We have had hardly any snow this year at all. Now everyone is freaking out. Much of our community is just shutting down. That is great for all of us that work at the hospital. Daycares are closing, roads are closing, some of the schools closed of course. Put we still have patients that need to be cared for. The last time we had a big storm my husband was home and came and got me from work. That time my boss was trying to keep everyone because she was worried about how we would staff the next day. Today she was worried about how she could get people home and if they had any problems trying to get to work tomorrow to TURN AROUND AND GO HOME. I don't understand this woman. I got chewed 0n in the process of trying to figure out who goes where because I was covering for the charge nurse while she was at lunch. I get so confused by this woman. Today I got mad, then upset. I could see that my hormones were taking over, but I couldn't do anything. I felt like I had no control. That was great. My fuse seems to be shorter. I don't want to be know as the "angry pregnant lady."

Anyway, we had about six inches of snow when I got home. The picture of my car is after being home less than 10 minutes. I'm not looking forward to the morning. There is no snow removal in my neck of the woods. The county will sand a busy 4way stop by Friday I would think. We will see. My husband was freaked out about leaving me to go to work. I don't know when he will be back. The trains always slow down when the weather is bad... At least it finally feels a little more like Christmas.

news

The doctor's office said it is true! They gave me a date of august 22, 2007!

Procrastination

I don't know if it was my procrastination or my mothers about my coming into this world. My mother was three weeks over due with me when I was born and 43 weeks is the gestational age I was assessed at birth. What would that be? I didn't want to come out or she didn't want to give me up. Regardless, I was only 19.75 inches long, but a giant 9 lbs 7 oz. I was covered in fat rolls, my skin was peeling off, and it was the only time in my life I had a tan (okay I was orange from jaundice).

My mother is a master procrastinator. I am not nearly as bad, not even close. My mom when to grad school when I was in high school and she would be frantically trying to get papers done the morning they were due. She didn't usually start them until the day or two before they were due. My mom was the master at obtaining extensions. Even still, I don't think the ink was dry when she turned the papers in.

My mom made the dress I wore in my sister's wedding. She had the fabric for months. She didn't even cut it out until the week of the wedding. She was very late to the church for pictures and I had nothing to wear in the meantime. My BIL has two wonderful sisters that can sew. They literally had to sew me into the dress at the church. I kept that in mind when I got married. My mom did do some sewing for me, but it turned out mostly alright. She was still more than 45 minutes late for pictures. The photographer did a really good job of distracting me when she was needed and not there. He was awesome about that. (he is very, VERY odd all the rest of the time, but he does beautiful pictures).

What is my procrastination? Christmas? No. Although, I don't have my Christmas cards mailed because the odd photographer has gotten my pictures to me yet. I ordered a small fortunes worth of wallet sized pictures that I very clearly said were to go in Christmas cards and if I couldn't have them early enough to mail, then I didn't want them at all. (they cost almost $2 each. maybe that isn't unreasonable, but it sure seems like a lot to me!) I have had the cards made, the envelopes stamped and addressed since the first week in December. I just did the letter last week, but I would have done it sooner if I had had the pictures.

My procrastination this time? My body. I wanted so badly, despirately to be pregnant by Christmas this year. I, as I believe I blogged, was heartbroken last Sunday when AF came for a visit. As it turned out, it was only a brief visit, like 36 hours and only about the first 18 or so were the normal visit. Then she left. I told my husband this on Wednesday. He asked if I could be pregnant since it wasn't the same as normal. He reminded me of a friend who thought AF was there for the first three months of THREE of her four pregnancies. I told him I would has my doctor since my body has been foreign to me since I went off BCPs. I did tell him that just out of hope and curiosity I did take a HPT on Monday and it was negative. I wanted to talk to my doctor's nurse because I was embarassed. I am a nurse, but I don't know what is going on with me. She was over with him in surgery and I worked with them, but she got away from me before I could asked her if just maybe... His second assistant wasn't one of the nurse practioners or the midwife I would feel comfortable talking to either. I tried to call his nurse in the office, but I got slammed down by the front desk. I think she could hear a waiver in my voice when I asked for the nurse and she knew it was personal not work related. She told me I would have to go on the list to talk to the triage nurse for the day. I didn't know her and I again I was embarrassed. So in the end, I sucked it up and talked to the doctor. He is the nicest man, but I feel like idiot. "Gee Dr. I bleed for a day and half at the appropriate time but that was it. Do you think maybe? Is it possible?" He patted me on the back and said I could "stop by the office" for a test or just take a HPT. I was getting my hair permed after work and I didn't want to do it if I shouldn't, dare I hope, I might be pregnant. He told me a perm was fine if I was pregnant. I couldn't get to his office, besides, they slammed me down when I did try to "stop by."

I did leave work at 1454 and run by the drug store and get a box of HPTs and ran home even though my hair appointment was at 1520. I don't know about anyone else but I have to pee in a cup to successfully perform the test. #1 two lines. I grabbed another one #2 two lines. I tried to call my husband. I was hyperventilating. I was numb and in shock. I couldn't think. I think I slapped myself and went to get my hair done. I appologized for being late and said maybe, just maybe I was pregnant, would it be alright to get the perm. She said it is safe. It is hair color you have to worry about, but not the kind we use on my hair anyway so I am safe to do that when I want as well. I left the 2 positive tests out on the kitchen counter for my husband to find when he got home (while I was getting my hair done). He was almost crying he was so excited. I used the test #3 on Friday morning and it was positive. Then I had to go out and buy a different kind with the digital read out since I couldn't get into the office until tomorrow. Just in case something was wrong with that entire box. #4 was positive too. I'm not sure we will believe it until we hear it from a dr's office.

Mike can barely contain himself. He wants to tell everyone. I wish we could wait until the first trimester is nearing an end. I said we need to wait until we have an ultrasound and a date. He can't wait that long. I want to wait until after Christmas, because I don't want it to ruin his sister's Christmas because she wants a baby too. I have him convinced that we have to wait until we have the word from the lab test and we have to wait until Christmas. I am barely, BARELY pregnant. I want to hold on to that and keep as my own for a bit. I am a wreck. I'm in shock, I am happy, I am terrified. I wake up because my breasts are so sore, they feel like a bicycle tire pump have been inflating them while I was sleeping. I HAVE been an emotional wreck this week. I just can't believe I got my Christmas miracle. I was accepting that I wasn't pregnant by Christmas and that we were going to need to seek some help.

My work Christmas party was last night and I made my husband drink a fair amount at the party to cover up for the fact that I wasn't. I was the DD since he needed to celebrate for passing is test and making it through his very stressful class this past week. The poor baby is not much of a drinker. Two beers and it is bed time. He had three at dinner and then we were supposed to go to a coworkers after party. We got there and there were 75 people and I only knew about ten. I didn't even see the hostess. That is certainly not Mike's scene and it was a bit much for me because it had been going for hours it appeared. It wasn't what I understood it to be so we left. We went over to another coworker's new house and laughed our asses off. Mike drank more than he has ever had in his life. We had a good time. The other place wouldn't have been fun like this.

So the spell check doesn't work and I really can't spell so I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose...

I did it

...for him. I didn't want to and I didn't get very many other decorations out at all, but I put up the tree for my husband. I watched me assemble the actual tree and then I had to do all the lights and decorating. He's 6'2", I'm 5"5", and tree is seven feet tall (not counting the sad goofy branch at the top). Who should be putting the lights on. Yes, some how it is the shorty. Oh well, then I get everything my way. I didn't get out a lot of the ornaments and I used icicles instead of the tinsel DH likes.

I am tired and worked with one of the regular abusers (the surgeon to the nurses) today. It wore me out. We had very difficult cases, but I got to leave on time and come home. I have to get on the computer now because my husband will be on it the entire night once he gets home. He has a week of class and he is really worried about the test at the end. If he doesn't pass his job stops and he has to travel to Salt Lake City on our dime to retake the test. The poor sweetheart just isn't a good test taker. He has been studying really hard and I am very proud of him. I need to write my Christmas letter since my cards have been done since Thanksgiving weekend. I am waiting for some wedding pictures too to send out with the cards. I haven't really been in the frame of mind for writing a letter to all my friends and family, but I think today is going to be the day.

No title

Yesterday I was on call. Surgery is closed on Sundays except for emergencies and there is a scrub and circulating nurse on call. I was called at 0700 to come in to do a case at 0800. Technically 0700 is when my shift starts, but if a Dr has a "scheduled emergency" they let us know a head of time. We all have different jobs and different understandings of each others jobs but for GOD'S SAKE IF YOU HAVE A CASE THAT NEEDS TO START AT 0800 WE NEED MORE NOTICE. Our required response time for emergencies is 20 minutes. It never takes me that long and I am usually the first person there getting everything gathered together. On Sundays it really is just the two of us (plus two anesthesia providers). We come in, we have to figure out what we are doing, get what we need, open the sterile supplies, make sure the surgeon is actually at the hospital, and then seek out the patient after anesthesia has seen them. That is where you never know what you are going to get. It seems as though the other areas you get the patients from don't do anything to get them ready until you are THERE. Then they have things "saved" for when the patient goes to preop. After hours, there is no preop. That is why they were given the orders. So you have to "help" get these things done. Now some areas are better than others, some people are better than others but this step of getting the patient can take a VERY long time - 30-40 minutes sometimes (on occation it has been an hour). So off in our Dr's Lounge is a surgeon waiting thinking we are sitting drinking coffee. Anyway, our patient was in the room at 0817 yesterday and the whining had already started.

Anyway, we did our case. Then we have to wash the instruments and clean the room. Hopefully, you are lucky then and you get to go home. Or, as the case yesterday, you wait to hear from the surgeon because they think they have another patient with the same problem. We didn't have to do the case, but we waited to hear for about 45 min. Then I went home and AF was here. I knew it was coming, I knew this wasn't going to be the month again. It didn't stop me from sobbing for an hour. My husband found me about 20 minutes in and tried to help. He was really supportive and said all the right things. He could get me calmed down to the hick-up crying but then I would start back up again. He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but really he is a big teddy bear. He said he would do anything takes. I don't think he has a clue about this journey we are embarking. I know he wants to make things easier for me. He doesn't want me to stress so much. I don't want to be so stressed. But that isn't happening. My life isn't suddenly going to be completely different. I'm not sure who doesn't have a high stress job? If you know, clue me in on it.

I had to go back to work two more times yesterday. In between, I put up the Christmas tree because a fit was thrown that the tree wasn't up yet. He sat and watched me assemble the tree. No offer of help. I work on laundry and I blubbered. The puppy threw up and then I threw up. I didn't get home until after midnight and I had to get up at 0530 to get to work. I was having a hard time today. I kept hurting myself because I was tired I think. I have pinched or banged just about every part of my body. I very carefully selected my words when I asked my charge if I could be relieve at her convenience. But I just can't win. She did end up getting me relieved but it was after telling me that I had to stay unless I thought I absolutely couldn't do my job. Of course that wasn't the case, I am just very tired and if there was someone extra I would go. That is what is SUPPOSED to happen. Whatever. I was suprised when someone came about 30 minutes later to get me out. Some people whine and bitch about going home after call. I don't ask unless I am really tired or there are so many extra people you are tripping over them. It doesn't matter. I am just very frustrated with my job. There seem to be different rules for different people and you never know what the rules are going to be.

I know some of my problems are hormonal at the moment, some are sleep related, but I just feel so beaten down. I don't feel like there is much fight left in me. I am so disappointed. At least now I can drink! That sounds like the LAST thing I need to do. Tomorrow will be better. The thing is, I think I am tripping on pebbles right now and I think this I see boulders ahead. Maybe not, but I think my optomism and hope are have suffered a severe hemorrhage at the moment.

Today hurts

I am having a very rough day. Work was fine. I don't feel very good, but will live. I am just an emotional wreck. I am not where I want to be right now (in my life) and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I feel very alone and I have this overwhelming feeling of coldness that I just can't shake. I know that sounds weird. I feel cold on the inside and out. Maybe it is that I am shutting down. I wouldn't say numb... I just want to go for a drive, or go to sleep and have it be a month later. I don't know how I am going to make it through Christmas this year. I am trying to ignore it.

Time flies

After fifteen hundred attempts I managed to load my picture so I will post.

My husband and I entered a committed relationship with one another eight years ago yesterday. He surprised me with flowers at work. DH has been very good about sending me flowers over the years. We have both received much harassment about it from my coworkers. Long ago I used to get flowers ever couple of months for no reason. Now it is mostly just the important stuff, like birthdays and anniversaries. I didn't think I would get them this year since we are married now. I was very pleased.

Obviously it took us a long time to get married. We will have been married 5 months in a couple of days. Mike was a little slow at progressing the relationship in the beginning, but in the long run it was really me. Mike is a couple of years younger than I am, but I was the one that wasn't in a hurry. I got a little burned many many years ago and I had some commitment issues. I am also the child of divorce and I have had a distinct lacking in seeing normal adult male/female interactions. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my mother never remarried. I don't think my father has ever cared that I exist.

I just didn't want to rush into things. Obviously we didn't. I just don't want to mess things up. I wanted to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man before I made that legally and spiritually binding commitment. I did get a few ultimatims along the way and that was hard for me. I had to take some leaps and I am more of a baby step kind of person. But we made it here. If we didn't want kids so badly now who knows how long we might have waited to get married. It is funny because when we were finally trying to set a date it was Mike that got a little panicky. He had been nudging me for so long! We desperately want kids but it was very important to us to be married first. It is funny how things change. There used to be a very rigid idea of how things were done in our society but now those lines are blurred. I have known several people who have waited years to get married after they have started families. I'm not talking accidents either, but planned pregnancies. It is funny how marrige does seem to become important at some time or some point. I guess I was a supporter of legalized domestic partnerships. They don't just apply to homosexuals.

Don't get me wrong marriage was still important to me. It was just a scary thing. It was important to me to be married in a church and have our union blessed. My husband isn't religious at all. I was not really raised in a church but spirituality was important to me from the time I was very little. I made my mom take me to church when I was in early elementary school. By the time I was in fourth grade I went to Sunday School all on my own. My family didn't go to church at all. I would get myself up and walk to the church. I would get myself included in church activities with my friends. In junior high that tappered off a bit until we moved to Colorado and then my mom and I made the decision to go to church together. I always worked hard to be involved in church activities. I was never a well versed in the Bible but I always read. After high school moved away from church a bit. I moved several times and it just seemed to slip in the cracks. Last year I made the effort to start going again. I was ashamed when people thought I was new to town because they hadn't seen me in church before. I can't believe what a difference it has made in my life. I feel like a part of me was missing and I didn't even know it until it was found.

I don't know how I got from saying how wonderful Mike is and how much I love him to talking about church. I think it has to do with the different kinds of faith we have. My faith in my relationship with Mike and my faith that my life will follow the right path. It is hard sometimes to have faith and not question it. I want so badly to have a baby and it is hard to have the faith that things will work out as they are meant to. I doubt I will have kids dragging me to church as I did, but I am trying to have faith in God that I will be taking - maybe dragging - kids there someday. Soon, I hope. I'm not good at patience

So close...

Blogger is toying with me. I think I can upload pictures... no wait it won't let me!!! I have something to show tonight!

Stupid blog

I'm not particullarly having a good day. I am struggling with Sparkplug and I came here to write. I had some pictures to commemerate such struggles and all this crap is different. I can't figure out how to fix it either. I don't have any of the usual stuff that is there when I go to post. I can't find anything to help me either. God knows I need help!