One week down, the rest of our lives to go

We made it. I don't know how well, but we made it. The day before I went back to work, Jake started screaming. I don't mean crying, I mean screaming as hard as he can for long periods of time. Like he is in terrible pain. I felt so good about going to work the next day and leaving him. What if he did this at daycare? Was I going to get a call after a couple of hours to come get my baby?



The first day went fine. I dropped off a sleeping baby and felt horrible all day that my baby had to wake up in a strange place with strange people taking care of him. I called and checked on him. Mike was home or around all day so I knew at least he could pick him up or go be with him if nothing else, until I could get there. Now work, that was another story. I felt like I was in a foreign country when I got there in the morning. It felt awful. By afternoon I was feeling like it was a familiar place at least. The schedule was horrible though and there wasn't anyone to relieve me. On top of it all, I was in pain. One of my coworkers took pity on me and volunteered to stay so I could go. Thank God. I was there an extra hour and she had to stay two more. I owe her. I haven't done anything but I need to. I had called Mike and told him I didn't know when I was going to be able to get out and he was on his way to pick up the baby when I called and told him I was coming home so he turned around and I went and got the baby. He was sleeping when I got there. I picked him up and he begrudgingly opened his little eyes. He blinked a few times and then he gave me a big smile. That is when I started bawling.



The rest of the week went okay. I had to take my first call and it was really easy thank goodness. But Jake is crying pretty much the same time every evening for up to two hours. He is also waking up at night and staying awake for about two hours. They are letting him sleep way too much at daycare. It is easy for them to do that. They have the more active babies to chase after and Jake is more than happy to just sleep in a swing. I am a bit frustrated with this. But it could be worse.



So poor Jake has my sensitive skin. He has odd little ears. They aren't all that little but they are flat up against his head. When he sleeps on them he can get moisture back there and the skin starts breaking down. Sunday before I started work he had a yeast infection behind one ear and I thought that might be his crying. His skin cracks along the creases and with all that moisture it grew yeast. We got that cleared up by Tuesday. His poor eczema is bad and I thought he might be crying because of that. And then there is the cradle cap. It looks like the most painful of all of the skin ailments. It cracks and bleeds. Poor baby. I put baby oil on it like the doctor said and it makes a crust on his poor head, like a helmet. It is awful. But no that is not the source of his pain. He IS in fact teething. My baby who will be ten weeks old tomorrow is actually teething. He has two giant purple lumps in the front of his mouth and when you rub those lumps you feel two teeth barely under the gum. The poor boy is covered in drool. He is chewing his hands whenever he can get them in there. We are holding teething toys in his mouth for him since he isn't coordinated enough to do it himself yet. The poor little guy. At least we figured out why he is so upset.


I am so freaking exhausted though. I just can't get enough sleep. I try to get to bed early and I don't. I have to get up so stinking early and Jake is waking up a lot. I didn't go to work until late today and he was up by four thirty. I wasn't able to get any extra sleep over the weekend. I am just so stinking tired. Which I need to go to bed now, but I thought I would come post while I had the chance. Now I have to take the dogs out and pump. I hope I can stay awake that long! Nothing like falling asleep with a breast pump attached.

The end is here

I did a lot better this week than I thought I would. Today is the first day I have really been sad and I think some of that is because I feel so awful. I got a flu shot on Wednesday and I have had a terrible headache, my neck and back are killing me, achy all over and a little bit of a fever. Jake on the other hand, has been pissed or passed out. He has had a fever since yesterday late afternoon and he has been mad. His legs really seemed to hurt yesterday but they don't seem to bother him much today. He woke up at 5 and we went back to sleep in the chair in the living room. Obviously we didn't get up for practice today. I had already decided we wouldn't since he was going to be getting his shots. Anyway, he ate again about 8 and we went and got in my bed. We only got up at 10 because the phone rang.

He went back to sleep a little after noon and slept until after three. He cried a lot when he was awake and then was half way happy when he got up. We actually got to see him smile and he played with his toys some. He was still pretty warm though. He is being a little pistol about taking the Tylenol. He sucked it down when he was getting it in the hospital. Now he just spits it out as fast as you get it in there. He immediately gets his had up to his mouth so he spreads it all over his hands and face and into what he has for hair. Thank goodness it is the dye-free kind!

Now I can't get him to go back to sleep. I am so tired and just want to go to bed myself. I still have to pump and take care of the dogs. He is relatively content watching television right now, but I don't want to leave the house and it is too chilly to take him out. Mike finally went to work again so he isn't home. I miss him already. My mom is coming tomorrow. She was coming so I could finish getting the things I wanted to get done while on leave done. The things I have barely started. But I think I may be trying to sleep instead if I don't feel any better. She will be happy either way to be taking care of her grandson. Hopefully he is feeling better tomorrow. This was one of my very favorite pictures by the way. The people I love most in this world together. They both look so sweet!

Shots!!!

Our doctor's appointment went well except for the shots. I'm so glad Mike was home today to drive us home because I was still crying when we left. He has been stuck so many times and had many shots already when most "normal" babies have what just had vit K, hep B if you consent, and a heel stick or two right? I can't remember if there are any other pokes in the land of perfect l&d and baby. His cry of pain just makes my heart break!

Other than that everything went well. Jake has tapered down into the 75th percentiles or so on everything. He is 24 inches long, 12 lbs 6 oz, and his head is 16 1/8 inches. So no huge changes since last time. We were guessing he was a little over 12 pounds but we weren't sure how much. She confirmed that my child is sensitive and takes after me in that unfortunate way. She told me to slather up his cradle cap with some baby oil. I don't think I have said that he has eczema on his elbows before. A spot popped up on his knee yesterday, poor little guy. She said he should out grow all these horrible things. He has this spot on his gum that I think is looking better that she is a bit concerned about. She also thought his frenulum is tight. Well, it seems that it is a bit late to first be worried about that now. I think it looks great for my family. Most of my family was tongue tied to some degree. None of my nephews got theirs clipped and his is WAY better than all of the boys. My mom and aunts I think all got clipped, but my sister and I were okay. I'm not worried about it. He moves his tongue around a lot so he will stretch it out.

Jake is not happy though. I gave him his Tylenol before we left the office and he was asleep before

we made it to the car. He has fussed, whimpered, bawled pretty much since we got home. Poor guy! He pretty much wants to stay attached to the breast all the time, but most of it is just comfort sucking. Type of the little man, his daddy woke him up with the mower.

Time flies...

when you are having fun! I am so glad that I took as much time as I could off with Jake. I was so pissed that I "lost" that first week with him being in NICU. I felt like my time with my baby was being stolen. That is after we knew he was going to be fine and we were just there for his eating.

We have come so far from this "little" guy here. We thought he was so cute then and he was, but we think he is so much cuter now. We love that he interacts with us. That he looks at you and not just past you. I love that he doesn't always wake up screaming and I can go to his crib and as soon as he sees me he gives a giant gummy smile. I love that he smiles and giggles when we play. I love that we can play.

So anyway, my little Peanut was eight weeks old yesterday! I can't believe it at all. We got ourselves up early and got ready like we have been all week. It is still gong well. We were too early again yesterday so I slept a bit later today, until 0412!! The major problem there is that yesterday I came home after our little drive and took a nap while Jake was still sleeping. I was scared driving yesterday because I could hardly keep my eyes open. I suppose when I get to work and get moving I will wake right up.

I am doing a lot better this week than I did last week. I know I have to go back and I am just trying to get everything in this week that I can. All the smiles, giggles, poopy diapers, screams, etc that I can. Overall, Jake really is a pretty happy baby. He has been fussy and I have definitely messed up how he would like to sleep with waking him up at 5 am. Some mornings now he doesn't want to take a nap at all. He might go back to sleep until seven and not take a nap until noon or even two. Then some days he doesn't want to sleep in the afternoon. We are certainly not on a routine. It would drive my sister nuts! I'm just going with what Jake seems to need right now. He eats when he is hungry and sleeps when he seems to need to sleep. I need for him to sleep in the afternoon for sure and I try for about 2-4 but that doesn't always work. I'm not sure how that is going to work when I am picking him up after I get off work at 3. I'm really going to want to see those blue eyes then. I will probably want a nap then also. Maybe we will have to lay down together!

I called my OB office yesterday because I was feeling so much better last week and now I am not. I was concerned that maybe I was having a problem. My pain went away pretty much altogether by the end of last week. I thought that maybe it was associated with the medication I was having to take and that since the pain came back maybe I was having another problem. The PA I saw last week is gone all this week so I couldn't talk to her or see her, but I talked to her nurse and she talked to the call Dr. They said it was just a coincidence that the pain was better and not related to the other issue. The Dr said with the severity of the anterior tear I

had it might be 3 or 4 MORE months before I am healed and the pain is better. I wasn't expecting that. That didn't make me very happy either, not to mention my husband. We have made one effort to be "romantic" and it didn't go all that well. It involved a lot of fear, a fair amount of pain, and some crying. How enjoyable can that be for him?

So, I will try and put some numbers up later after our Dr visit. I just knew I had some time to write now, even if I did have to stop to change a diaper, breast feed, and get a little boy back to sleep. You can almost tell in this last picture that I took this morning that Jake's hair is starting to grow back. He now has a layer of fuzz maybe a 1/4 of an inch long. It is hard to tell if it is any lighter than the dark dark hair he was born with. It is just too fine. The old man hair along the back of his head has almost all fallen out now, but he had a few hairs that stayed on the top of his head and they are at least an inch to an inch and a half long so the are funny looking. I keep thinking they will fall out, but I may have to give up and trim them!

Practice

(Boy, I look at these pictures now and I was having a serious static problem with the scanner because they are crooked!)

So this morning we did the full deal. I was up by 0350. I got each of the dogs out uneventfully. I got a shower without any problem. I had to work a bit to get Jake to wake up to eat. I was able to get him to sleep by 830 last night and he woke up at about 130 and I think and I had us both back to bed by 2. I set Jake back in his bed after he ate while I pumped and he finally woke up. He poohed of course and was now awake. I got him changed and dressed and even got him to eat a little longer. I went out and started the car. It was less than 30 degrees out and there was frost on my windshield and I wanted to warm the car up some before I took the baby out. Actually I was waffling as to whether I would take Jake out of the house or not. Mike is home and I could leave him snug in his crib or I could take him out in the cold with me. I elected to take him with me just in case. So I put a little sweatshirt on him and got him in his car seat. He just looked up at me with his sweet eyes. I just can't get over how cute he is! So I loaded him up in the car and we drove to daycare. I got into the car at 523 and we drove past daycare at 533. So we were a little early! The door isn't unlocked until 555 I was told but the lady in Jake's room was already there. So we went to the grocery store and grabbed a few things so I can make breakfast for Mike and then we drove back by the daycare and took the same route home. The clock said 559 when I turned the car off. We did pretty well. But everything went very smoothly. Jake was cooperative because he didn't know what the heck was going on. The dogs were just happy to make it out before 10am and I wasn't dragging because I haven't been working all week. I climbed in my bed at 915 last night and I read for 20 minutes. I doubt I will be able to get to bed as early every night. I did wake up a couple of times a little dazed and confused.

The thing that I thought was interesting was how many more cars were out by the time we were driving home. Obviously we don't know what traffic problems are here. It might take an extra five minutes to get around when kids are getting dropped off and picked up at school and from 5-6 pm but that is about it. You have to worry more about how long you might be stopped at the railroad tracks depending upon how many you have to cross to get to work in the morning. But still, we saw about ten cars on the way at 530 and about fifty when we were driving home from daycare. I just thought that was interesting to see what a difference just a few minutes makes.

So the question is, am I going to get up any later tomorrow morning? I might give myself five more minutes just in case things don't run as smoothly. I think we will do the full deal - driving to daycare and all each - each morning this week just to keep getting used to it. I didn't get upset this morning which I am glad. Yesterday I cried about 6 times I think, maybe more. I told Mike that the next few weeks were going to rough and I'm sorry, but there will be a lot of crying and he is just going to have to get used to it!

If I have to be up and working by this time, why can't more places be open? We have a list of errands and tasks we need to accomplish this week and it sure would have been nice to get to some of those places this morning!

Not yet!

We had a rough night last night. It doesn't surprise me since Jake did seem to feel well yesterday. I'm not even sure how long or how many times I had to go settle him down last night before he went to sleep. Mike's sister came over and the two of them were being kind of noisy and it didn't help my process. His sister didn't leave until about eleven and my goal was to be in bed before ten. It was probably nine thirty before I got Jake settled in.


He woke up about two forty I think and it took two hours to get him happy enough to go back to sleep. I was so tired and stressed by the time that was all accomplished. I got in bed and I think I cried for half an hour before I fell asleep. I don't know how I am going do everything and be sane. I am not ready to go to work and give my baby to someone else. I don't have a choice. And I am really worried about our financial picture. Mike has really been getting yanked around at work again and his income is so terrible. We sat and talked the other night about if he were to do it all over again would he go to engine school or not. He doesn't think he would. I asked him where the friend was that stopped by on Thursday was on "the list" as far as going to school and Mike wasn't sure. They talked about it and Mike told him that if he really wants to drive the train then he should go, but if he wants to do it for job security like Mike did or if he wants to do it for higher earning potential than don't do it It isn't worth it. So far that is very very true.


I am getting headaches again. I would guess it is because I am stressing and maybe a little bit to do with hormones. I am so glad my headaches were better during my pregnancy. Thank God that was one thing that went my way! My skin is going to hell again and I would guess it is more of the same. I think that is so funny. Frustrating, but funny. My skin was the best it has ever been while I was pregnant.


I am so tired. If I can get Jake to go to sleep for more than ten minutes I might take a nap. I haven't even been able to get a shower yet today. The only thing I have been able to accomplish was to get the dishwasher unloaded. I guess I turned the dryer on too since it is still full of clothes I washed yesterday. They are going to be lovely! I need to get cleaning... Plus Mike and I need to get outside. It is supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow and we have leaves all over. The problem is maybe a tenth of our leaves have fallen. We have a lot of big trees with a lot of leaves.

I was planning on going to church tomorrow since I have only taken Jake once, but I'm not sure if I can do it. If it looks like I am going to be able to sleep I don't think we will go. Monday we have to start getting up before four so hopefully by the following Monday we can have our mornings figures out. I think I smell a dirty diaper on this little boy wiggling in my lap!

Pictures!

Today we went and ordered our pictures! Since we ordered so much we were able to buy the proofs for a "bargain" price and she will make us a CD too. We loved looking at the pictures on her web site but it is a hundred times better to be able to touch them and look at them.

We were all pretty tired and cranky. We had a really busy day yesterday and we were all cranky then. A friend wanted to come over last night because she hadn't been able to meet Jake yet. Our husbands grew up together and we came to work together. She doesn't work with me any more but we can still be friends as long as I don't tell anyone at work. (sad isn't it!!!) Anyway, they came to see us in the hospital while Jake was in the NICU so they didn't get to see him. I have been sending her pictures of him but we haven't been able to meet up. She has been having to take care of her sick grandpa and stuff. But she really wants to have a baby and her husband wants kids, someday. So I don't blame her for not trying harder to get here. I might be wrong about that, but I know how that feels to never be "the one." Now I am and I don't want her to feel bad. My husband is trying to work on her husband though.

So Jake was up later than usual. He ate and feel asleep so I put him to bed. I had wanted to give him a bath because he really needed one but it was already so late and he was cranky. I was trying to get some stuff done and the next thing I knew he was crying. I went in to check on him and he was extremely wet of course. I changed him and he was wide awake and smiling. So I decided it would be easier to give him a bath last night than this morning before we left. So we did. Mike loves to help. He takes him and dries him when I am done washing and they are just so cute together. Anyway, it was well after midnight by the time I got myself to bed and the alarm was set for 6. At least I got a little more sleep last night than I did the night before. Mike went to bed after I did. He is so sore from our trying to work out that he can hardly move.

Jake isn't acting like himself. I don't think he feels very well. Last night he was cranky and fussy and he is again today. He doesn't have a fever. He isn't congested. His nose isn't running. He doesn't have diarrhea and isn't constipated. He did spit up last night and that is only the fourth time I have seen him do that, but it was spit up, not vomit. He isn't coughing but he is just not himself. He is crying really easily and it doesn't seem to matter what you do. Anyway, this drive down and back wasn't as easy as the first one. I just hope Jake doesn't get sick. It makes me uneasy since we have been around a lot of extra people this week.

So we spent about a million dollars today, but we got a lot of Christmas presents! I'm glad no one in our family is complaining about getting pictures for Christmas. This is the third year in a row they have gotten professional photos from us. They all want them!

I scanned in most of the proofs today and here are but a few. I was getting kind of sloppy with my scanning it looks like. I kept getting a lot of static on the scanner and they would go crooked. Anyway, here is a sampling. We did change one of the pictures on the birth announcement. Mike didn't like the picture of Jake's head. I think he was jealous of all of Jake's hair and actually looking back now, he had lost some already. We put a close up of one of his hands on my hand there instead. We thought it balanced out with the feet on the other side. I just love her work. It was so hard to make a decision. I made an appointment for Jake's six month pictures with her too and Mike's eyes almost popped out of his head. I informed him we aren't getting anything like what we got this time! Some wallets, at least one 8x10 for ourselves and some 5x7s next time. We will have to wait and see if I hold myself to that. I think I will have too. I would like the proofs again but I don't know what she charges for them if you don't spend so much money. I will have to find out. Now I am trying to decide what picture to put in the newspaper for his birth announcement there. Both our parents have pestered us about that. I said we wanted to use a professional photo instead of one of ours because they always look so much better in our paper. They are all just so excited to brag and have everyone see their grandson and have people make comments to them about seeing him in the paper. I am glad they are all so excited!

Tired

I got up with Jake at three thirty this morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. The wind was howling something awful and I just had too much on my mind to sleep. We needed to make a MAJOR trip to the store today and so I had to wake Mike up early so it wouldn't be too awful at the store. It still was terribly crowded and I spent nearly three hundred dollars. I guess it doesn't pay to bring help! Mike is super crabby since I woke him up and he says it is me. We are a great pair today. I'm just trying to stay away from him.

Well, I went to the daycare on Monday. It was okay. They all seemed nice. Everything was clean. There were plenty of adults with the babies. Mine just seems a lot younger than the others and therefore I fear for his safety, kind of. Of course in ten years he won't be a lot younger than the others but right now 10 months and 7 weeks are light years different right? I wasn't happy to find out they changed how they bill and I have to cough up twice as much as I planned for his first day. Oh well, not anything I can do about that. I just don't want to have to leave him of course. The director had barely introduced me to the people in the nursery and they said this is your first baby isn't it. I think maybe it was the way I was clutching him for dear life. He will be fine, right?

Jake got to meet some more of his family last night. Mike's dad's only brother and his wife are here visiting. They aren't very Christianly super Christians. Doesn't make sense does it? You all know the people though. The people that think and tell you they are the best Christians but their actions say otherwise. I didn't know much about the aunt until I met her a number of years ago and I wasn't very found of her with in moments. I then later found out how terrible she has been to almost everyone in the family. It is sad. She has been very mean to Mike's mom for a long time and she is mean to his grandma and it gets me all puffed up. These people have given up by now and take it, but I'm still fresh in this game and am not having it! They will be here for just a few days so we can all make it. My husband laughed though that Jake cried as soon as he saw/heard her. He said Jake is an excellent judge of character.

I better go check on my little peanut. He was such a good boy during our shopping, but he was mighty hungry when we got home. I just love holding him. He is a total snuggler and I just love it. Plus it is 230 and I haven't eatten lunch yet. It feels like it should be bedtime!

It continues...

Yesterday morning I finally went in to get my work schedule because I absolutely couldn't put it off any more. I have to go into the daycare tomorrow. I went in before 11am and it was a ghost a town. I couldn't believe it. This is my weekend so I thought I would see my weekend crew and there was no one in the OR at all. I found one nurse in the recovery room and she was doing house keeping chores for the department. When I work it isn't ever like that! That isn't fair at all. It was weird being there when it was so quiet and dark. I looked around and everything was the same but some how it made it even harder. There weren't people there to talk to to soften the blow of having to return. I tried to log on to the computer to check my email and I couldn't get on. My password had expired and I tried to change it, but apparently I couldn't remember it. Oh well, it can wait a bit longer.

It didn't help that it rained all day yesterday, but I had a hard day. I kept crying. I don't want to go back. I want to be with my baby. Mike had to go to work last night and he now hates leaving the baby too. I can only imagine how hard it will be when we both are working. First thing when Mike comes home he goes for Jake. That's okay. I am trying to not think about it. I still have two weeks to enjoy with my little fella right?

That is the other thing. Jake is growing so fast! Mike and I were playing with him last night and he was smiling and giggling. We were trying to get a good picture of him but the stupid digital camera takes so long the really good face is gone by the time it takes the picture. You can still tell he was happy in both of these pictures though. Today I had to put away some of his clothes for the first time and that was hard. I decided it needed to be done yesterday but I was already sad so I couldn't do it. I put away things that he only had the opportunity to wear once and I am sure some of the onesies he didn't get to wear. At least they were just plain white. I went through his clothes some and I need to finish tomorrow so I make sure that we are accessing all the clothes we need to be wearing now. I forgot about some of them. I really like dressing him like he is a little adult and not in goofy baby stuff. I'm just not into the cutsie stuff. We were given many gifts of things that aren't what I would pick and I put him in them anyway, but I cringe. He is finally wearing the sleepers with feet. I think they are so cute and he is so cute in them. He wouldn't tolerate his feet confined like that. I am worried about him staying warm enough. I just kept trying to get him to wear a sleeper in the day to get used to them and he finally did. I love my little boy so much. I do hope we will be able to see these little clothes again, someday.

Freak out today

I had my six week checkup today. I was working on a panic attack in the waiting room. I don't know why I was having all the feelings I was having. I was surrounded by pregnant girls and a couple of pregnant women. There was one other post partum patient and no one else. I don't know why it upset me so much that all these "women" (I would say most weren't 20 years old) were pregnant and I wasn't. Hello?? I DO have a newborn. I just suddenly wanted to be pregnant again. Crazy??? I would say so. I didn't understand at all.


I hardly had to wait at all, maybe five minutes. Not surprising because I was seeing a PA not an OB and she doesn't do their visits. I was so glad because I was about to climb the wall, go across the ceiling and make a run for it. I got weighed. Still not a good number, but exactly 20 lbs less than my very first OB visit and I had on a heavy shirt and jeans. I was hoping for a little more, but I'm not about to complain since I was expecting to be normal and gain weight with pregnancy. The nurse took me around the corner and I came face to face with the doctor that delivered me. Great! That didn't help my anxiety level. I don't ever want her to touch me again. Did I write that I ran into her last weekend when I was out shopping with my mom? She gave me a hug and told me she had been thinking about me a lot lately and particularly the day before because a rep brought them in a new vacuum. The new vacuum has more control and won't hurt babies like mine got hurt. Is this what I want to hear???


Anyway, I went into the exam room was about hyperventilating. The nurse took my blood pressure and although it was normal I had taken the day before it was a ton higher. You don't say? Well, the exam went better than I hoped. The PA assured me that I am not falling apart like it feels when I cough, laugh, or blow my nose and sometimes when I try to stand from a sitting position and I am holding my baby. I'm not healed all the way though and I have a yeast infection. I was surprised when she said that. I couldn't tell at all! I was embarrassed. She said it is common because of having to wear the damn diapers (I really don't like pads) for so long. My poor husband had been watching the calendar... He said he could wait another week. I just couldn't wait to get out of that office. I thought I was doing better with how things went, but I guess I haven't had enough time yet. I guess my emotional wounds are still to raw. I was told I needed to come back in January for my annual exam and I don't know if I will be able to do that. I think I may have to go to my family doctor. That is who I have usually gone to.

I compared the list I had made for birth announcements to my Christmas card list and they were almost the same. My charge nurse has a board where she puts pictures and I will give her one for that board and I think that pretty much counts for everyone in the department, with the exception of a few close friends. I had two different lists last year - the people I gave handmade cards and those I gave purchased cards. Only the handmade list is getting the photo announcements I decided. I can't post any of the pictures yet because the proofs are currently available to us through the photographer's website. I will put the birth announcement at the very least when we get it here. I would be happy to share the pictures if anyone really wants to look at them. You just need to email me and I will email you the site and the password. The pictures will only be available until next Saturday and then they are gone forever. That isn't true, we would just have to pay for another two weeks.

I got a little misty today. When I was getting Jake ready for bed tonight I decided that I am going to have to put away some of his 0-3 month clothes because he is too big. My little boy is growing so much! I have a container ready for his clothes in the basement and I just wonder if I will ever need them again. We really have nothing that is very unisex, probably less than 5% without potentially giving a girl a complex. Besides, I can see Daddy wanting to put a little princess in pink, lace, and bows. I was never that girl!

What do you think?

We are ordering birth announcements from the photographer that took our amazing pictures. My MIL has given me a hard time because we haven't sent any out yet and I explained we wanted to send out these wonderful pictures. So here is the thing, who do we send these to? I mean we send them to our family and then how far out do we go from there? We could easily send out 100 but we aren't going to. Where do you draw the line? Do we send them to our parents' friends? I just don't want to offend anyone, but I was trying to keep it under 40 because that is about $100 and I want to use my money on pictures not announcements that aren't going to be kept or will be stuck away somewhere. I will happily send out the old hand written kind, but again I'm not sure who should get them. I mean my coworkers don't need them right? I will send them to my very good friends who happen to be coworkers, but still. I don't want to get in trouble yet again at work. If you haven't seen a friend in three or four years do you need to send one to them? I just want to do what is right, but again I don't want to be wasteful of my picture money. We are struggling with what we want to order because we are wanting a crazy number of pictures. The thing I keep telling my husband is that if we do this with Jake then if we have another baby we need to do it for that child as well. We each were that second child and his parents did a lot better than mine. But I think because he was a boy and their first was a daughter, where as I was the second daughter it wasn't as big of a deal. My mom recently gave me my baby book. There was not one thing written in it. Not one. Anyway, I just don't want to go crazy with these pictures because we are going to have lots of pictures over time. We just know these are SO special and really good.

Sticking together

I shouldn't have said out loud or typed how well Jake was doing with his sleep because the last two nights have sucked and I am TIRED. The good news is that he has hardly slept at all today. He is asleep right now and I don't usually let him sleep this late but maybe if I let him sleep now I can keep him up a bit later tonight and the night will go better.

My sister and I long ago made a promise to each other that would never let one another be like our mom and if we did something "Mom" like would smack some sense into the other. We think my mom was half as crazy as my grandma and we are hoping to be half as crazy as my mom. We may even be less than half. We have seen the choices my mom has made and we have seen how those choices have impacted her and us as her children. So basically we went the opposite direction. My mom got married when she was barely 18. My sister waited until she was 25 and I waited until 30. My mom had my sister when she was 19. My sister was 29 when she had her first and I am 31. My mom didn't start her education until she was in her mid thirties, divorced with two kids. Now obviously she needed that education and it is great that she got it, but she should have taken into consideration being able to support her family when she was making career choices. My sister and I went to school before we got married let alone had families. Anyway, I'm going to stop there because sadly, I could go on for awhile. My sister and I paid attention and have learned, we just wish my mom would also learn from her mistakes instead of repeating them.

I just want to be the best mom I can be. Maybe God has stepped in in my sister's and my families. She has three boys so the mom line stopped there. So far I have one boy and I don't know if there will be any additional boy or a girl in my future. We will have to see.

Not so bad

I feel bad. I get myself so worked up for my mom to come. Things went very well, for a visit with my mother. My husband stayed outside or gone most of the time she was here and she had to make a comment about that. There was a lot of shopping, on her part not mine, and she can't afford to do that. She gets extremely mad when you bring up the shopping and I didn't want to deal with that so I just let it go. I only went to a furniture store with her where she picked out a $2000 chair and a leather couch that was more than that. She didn't buy anything and the salesperson seems to think she will be placing an order very soon. I sure hope not because she doesn't have that money!

Anyway, things went well. She got to hold her grandson a lot. She got up while I was sitting in the chair at 6 this morning trying to sleep and she jumped at the opportunity to take my place and send me off to bed. I let her. I knew it would make her whole week. There were two things that did irritate me though. She didn't leave until eight thirty tonight and she has a drive about two hours. The other thing was that she decided she needed to dye her hair at my house and not only did she stink the place up, she got dye on the wall above the sink. Several spots and it doesn't come off. I guess I still have the paint!

Enough bitching. I should be glad I have a mother, right? She did try to help me some while she was here and she told me that I am a good mother. She did take a bunch of my Or.eos with her though and they are my addiction. I don't share them well. I guess I will have to get used to that.

So things have been going pretty well here actually. Jake seems to be getting bigger and bigger everyday. Yesterday morning I was holding him and he giggled several times. He smiles but not often enough for our liking and he hasn't giggled again. It was sweet though. He is sleeping pretty well too. He is sleeping for one stretch of at least four hours and it has even been up to six. I am now wondering if I have typed this before??? I don't know but I am so grateful! I feel a lot better since I have been getting a bit more sleep. Speaking of which, I need to get all my things taken care of and get my butt to bed if I want a long stretch tonight because Jake went to bed early tonight!

My little old man!

My poor baby! All along we expected to have a bald child. I mean shiny headed bald. We were both bald and so we thought that is what we would get. Well we were wrong. We were just shocked and amazed at Jake's hair. We couldn't believe it. Then we got used to it. We discussed that it would fall out and it might grow back different. It might be curly like Mike's. It might be a different color. I talked about all of these things but nothing could prepare me for how hard it would be to watch his beautiful hair fall out!!!

At first it just started to recede and thin out on top like his dad's. As in the first picture. Actually that isn't true. First it started to fall out on the back of his head where he had his wound. That made sense to me. Besides that is where his head naturally rubs against his bouncy seat. But then most of the top was gone! It moved back two inches in the course of an afternoon. Look familiar???

He still had some hair on the top and on the sides but it was very thin and hard to see. At first I didn't see the hair anywhere. I knew it was coming out but I wasn't finding it. I guess it is super fine so it just was blending in with the dog, cat and big people hair. Then it was on his washcloth and on the pillow of his bathtub. I was pitiful. I was trying to collect the hairs. Then we saw it on the bouncy seat. The worst however was his bed this morning. I changed his sheets yesterday afternoon and this morning it was unbelievable how much hair was there! Mike saw if first. He said I needed to prepare myself first and then go look at his bed. He said I was going to have to change his sheet. I couldn't believe it. I was scraping hair out of the bed! Mike said it looked like a cat had been sleeping in there and he was right!

The picture is crappy. He now has the "old man ring" from down by his ears and around his head. That hair is still thick and isn't dropping out when you touch it like it does everywhere else. Then he has a gap of no hair about an inch wide with some hair above that. It lays down and looks like we are trying to hide the bald areas. He also has a beautiful case of cradle cap. Poor little guy. I have been doing really well at not picking his pimples but the peeling skin in scalp I am constantly trying to make myself stop picking. He got a bath tonight and he only has about half of the hair in this picture left. My baby is going to be super stinky because I don't want the last of his hair to go!

What a crazy mom! Speaking of crazy moms... Mine is coming tomorrow. She emailed me Thursday and asked me "am I to come this weekend?" What the hell is that? Am I to come? I invited her last weekend to come this weekend if she was well. She ticks me off. She couldn't say is it still ok to come? No, she has to be all her about it. I should know by now and I should just let if roll off but I can't. I flat out ignore many things she does and says, but I can't ignore them all. So I wrote her back and said we were planning on her visiting we just didn't know when she was coming. She wrote back with in two minutes (we can't call) and said she wouldn't come until Saturday so she could spend some time with her cats!!! See, I said she was crazy! Oh, and if it's okay she is going to be bringing her laundry because her drain is acting up. I didn't even bring my laundry home when I was away at college!

On a good note, we got our proofs today for our pictures! I love them. I can even stand to look at the pictures of myself because they aren't about me they are all about Jake. The photographer is so good! Now comes the hard part of figuring out what to order because there are so many good pictures. I know I am totally biased but I can't help but think Jake is just beautiful. You could hardly see his baby acne in most of the black and white pictures. There weren't very many color pictures and it was much more visible, being thousands of red spots and all. My doctor gave me three days of steroids for the rash I had and after I took those Jake's face completely cleared up! Now that they are out of my system and his the darn pimples are back with a vengeance!

Please pray for God to give me strength to make it through the visit with my mother. I am going to need it!

I tried and I'm tired

Obviously I am tired because I find it funny that "tried" and "tired" have the exact same letters just tossed up. Jake kept napping yesterday. Actually he is kind of doing it today too so I better hurry and wake him up again. Anyway, I got Jake to bed last night and he slept for four and half hours straight. Problem? I never went back to sleep after we got up at 0345. He was messing around about eating. He would nurse for fifteen minutes and go to sleep and I couldn't rub or poke or tickle him awake. So I would put him in his bed and less than five minutes later (if that) he would be awake and wanting to finish his meal. Then the dogs and one cat started whining on me. I got Jake asleep long enough to be walking a dog before 5 am. Yuck! Then I had to serve another mini meal before I could take the second one out. Man do I wish we had a normally fenced yard. I could save at least fifteen minutes every morning. I think about that every single morning too. We have tried to figure out a way to fence off an area within the fenced yard but with the layout of the yard it just doesn't work. Anyway, since I was up so early I managed to get myself and Jake ready to go to church. Many of the church ladies had yet to meet Jake so they were all tickled!

So that is why I am tired, now about trying. My mom was gone from last Sunday to Thursday for a work meeting. I called her Thursday evening. (I even missed most of Betty so I could talk to my mother!) I called to invite her to come to my house Friday after work and she could spend the night and be here in the day Saturday and then go home. She was just tickled about it. She hasn't seen Jake since the eighth and we knew we were living on borrowed time. I thought it would be better to invite her by my terms rather than just have her show up on her terms like she so loves to do. Anyway, she was very happy. Friday Jake was awake almost the whole day and I was having trouble getting things cleaned but I was getting there. My mom called around 4 to tell me she was sick and wouldn't be coming. Have I ever mentioned she is a hypochondriac? The last time we know my mom worked a full five weekdays was the week Jake was born. That is not unusual. I can't imagine having her as an employee. She calls in at least three times a month. Crazy, isn't it? Anyway, so she was calling to tell me she wasn't coming Friday night but would Saturday if she was better. I was like wait a minute here. So she said she was just probably run down from the work shop and it was probably just her sinuses and all she needed was a good night of sleep. This was after she said one of her coworkers at the training had been sick all week. I told her we could talk about it Saturday morning. She was coming anyway because she gets her hair cut here and as long as she could stand she would be coming, but at that moment she was having trouble standing because of her head. What?!? You can't stand because your head is so bad and you think you should come hold my baby?

So I was mad. I called my sister and vented to her. I told her I wasn't going to let my mom come but I did think that maybe she could reschedule her hair appointment for the next Saturday and she could come visit us then IF she was well. So I called her back after I got off the phone with my sister and she got all pissy with me! Well of course she would be better by next week and she was not going to reschedule her hair appointment because she had already rescheduled it once. Then she said she just wouldn't get to see her grandson again until he was two months old and his other grandparents can see him every day! Well, his other grandparents have only been seeing him once a week. Anyway, she drives me nuts!

So what happens? She calls Saturday morning (and wakes me up by the way) and tells me with the most pathetic voice she could muster that she was wasn't going to be coming down and she called and rescheduled her appointment for next damned Saturday and she would see me then! Grrr!!!! I tried. I don't think I ever said all the things she did when we were trying to have Jake. I am trying to forget how she blatantly ignored the boundaries I thought I established. But I don't remember if I typed this or not. She said that it felt like I was having her first grandchild because it was the first time it was real to her. I have THREE nephews! But she only saw my sister pregnant once with the third child and they live so far away so this is like her first grandchild. OH MY GOD!!!! I will NEVER tell my sister this and I tell my sister almost everything. I got mad at my mother for saying it. How dare she! My sister keeps telling me I should move and I wish we would/could! Oh, but I do love my mother even though she is certifiable.

Weighing in

It was so nice to get to go to OUR doctor yesterday. She is very nice and a good doctor. She is kind of quiet but takes her time with you and really listens. So for the important stuff! Jake weighed in at 10lbs 14oz. He is now 23 and 1/2 inches long and his head is 16 inches around.

I have been worried about one of his ears because the external ear (the part that goes in where your ear canal is) isn't normal. It is comes out instead of going in and the opening to the canal is pinches and more of a slit than a circle. I had a ton of ear infections as a kid and so I have been worried about his ears. The opening to the canal is actually a bit more of an oval than it was two weeks ago and she said the canal is nice and open so hopefully this won't increase his chances for infection.


Last night we had an awesome night. I got more sleep than I have in a really long time and I got it all in my bed. When we did finally get up today this was the face I got. I put him in the chair with the good old boppy while I dashed in to pee. When I came back he smiled when I walked up to him. I know babies start smiling for real at about one month, but I wasn't sure if it was for real or not and then he did it again and again. I didn't manage to catch the best ones on camera but I still got some pictures. Now I can't wait to get giggles.


The one problem with all the sleep we got last night is that Jake doesn't want to sleep today. I think he has managed to sleep maybe an hour since before eight this morning when we got up. He is crying in his crib right now and I am hoping he will settle down and go to sleep. I am terrible about picking him up as soon as he cries so I am trying to let him go a bit longer in hopes that he will sleep or at least settle himself down. He has settled him self down a lot today. He would cry while sitting in his bouncy seat but then he would stop and watch TV. I have a couch potato already! He loves to watch colors and movements. My sister said she will send us some of her collection of baby ein.stein videos for him to watch so it isn't Op.rah talking to transgendered teens. That is probably a good thing!

I can't take the crying any longer. I have to go pick him up.

4 Weeks today

My little boy is four weeks old today! I can't believe it. On one hand it seems like it was just yesterday that I was being riped in two pushing him out and then on the other had it seems like it has been much longer. Maybe it is the total lack of sleep but I can hardly remember my life without him.

His poor little face is still terrible. It doesn't look too bad on these pictures and I am hoping it doesn't look too bad on our family pictures. I took these after he had his bath tonight and his hair was still fuzzy. I love that. His hair has started falling out and that makes me sad. I was expecting a bald baby and all, but I have really come to love his hair. So far it is just the spot on the back of his head where their little heads rub against whatever is behind them. The thing is, that is exactly where his wound was and it looks awful. I think it is just temporary, I hope. He also has a pimples on that area of his scalp and it just looks terrible. I'm sure it will be okay, right?

We have our four week appointment tomorrow morning. I can't wait to see how big he has gotten. It feels like he has gained a lot but we will see. He seems to be in a growth spurt right now and both very tired and hungry. I am looking forward to when we can give him a little cereal before he goes to sleep so his tummy is full longer. I am just really looking forward to seeing our family doctor instead of the other one. The day I got a wee bit upset when they said we were going to have to stay two nights in step down my husband called and left a message for my doctor. He said I was really upset with how things were going and that he wanted her opinion and he thought I needed her support. She was down in my room (during the middle of her morning office hours) within the hour and was there for at least fifteen minutes. It made me feel much better. She wasn't very happy with the doctor over the NICU either. He told her we were going home on Tuesday and here it was Thursday. She called and said she could understand why he wanted us to stay one night but two was uncalled for regardless of whether Jake lost weight overnight or not. Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing her. Plus I have this rash that is driving me nuts. It started on my tummy the last month and moved to my thighs right after Jake was born. It is very itchy and now I have it on my lower legs, upper arms, and tonight it appeared on one of breasts. It has long been gone on my tummy though. They told me it was hormones in the hospital. Okay, well it is now driving me nuts and I scratch without thinking.

Not yet!

Today I had to go in and sign up for shifts at work. I wanted to cry. I have been having nightmares about going back to work. I don't want to leave Jake and I don't want to go back to the stress of my job. I have been sticking my ear out there a little bit about some different jobs but I don't really want to change jobs either. I don't like the work at the jobs I have seem available with "normal" hours. I would be bored to death, but I would be able to take my baby to daycare and pick him up everyday. The other issue with those jobs is money. There aren't many other places I could work (even within the hospital) where I would make the same money. Of course with all the changes that have happened I may not make as much money in my department from now on either. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to leave my baby. Not yet and maybe not ever. I wish I could have the option of working one or two days a week, but I don't... I guess I had better go buy another lottery ticket then.

First car trip for pictures

We went and got our pictures taken this morning. My husband says we are crazy because we drove 80 miles one way just to get a few pictures snapped. I keep telling him it will be worth a drive a lot longer than that for the quality of pictures we will get. Jacob did great. He slept the whole way down and back. He wasn't too bad for the pictures either. A little crying and we had to stop to give him a bottle. We had to stop for some clean ups too. He was naked for all the pictures and well, things happen. We hadn't even started five minutes when he pooped on my leg. Then he the other leg got peed on a little later. She had him posed laying on his tummy and he started wiggling around. He peed again.

I was so happy to get this photographer. I called before Jake was born and they said they would have to try and work us in. They called while I was in the middle of a crying fit at the hospital to tell me they just weren't going to be able to work us in. Like I said, I was already crying and I told the photographer's assistant that I had meant to call and tell them that Jake was in the NICU and we weren't sure how long he was going to be there so we wouldn't be able to just come when they were able to fit us in. So it just seemed that was how things were meant to be. The assistant was super nice and wanted me to call and just leave a message when Jake got out just so they would know. We talked about when to make an appointment for his six month and year pictures so we would get in. One day when I was walking to my car from the NICU to go home for lunch they called and said they felt so bad they would get us worked in. She likes to get the pictures done earlier than three weeks but we will take what we can get. I was so happy. It turns out the assistant had a baby born at 34 weeks and had a 4 week NICU stay. Her baby was here at my hospital and she had to drive that 80 miles every day plus she had two other kids to care for. One of the photographer's kids had also had to have a two day stay in the NICU so they knew how miserable it feels. I just can't wait to see the pictures. They are pretty expensive but this is something so totally worth the money to me.

I get an email today that a new charge showed up on my hospital account. It was Jacob's bill. It isn't itemized or anything and it only covers the hospital, not all the doctors too. It was a horrible number but not as bad as I thought it would be. It didn't have my hospital bill on there though so I'm sure it will be much worse. It was more than I paid for my SUV when I bought it but not a lot more. Thank God for health insurance. Between the two of us we are going to have cost our insurance between 75 and 100,000 and the year isn't over. They can't drop us right?

My men

I love the men in my life very much. My husband has been wonderful since Jake has come home. When we were in the hospital he tried to not be there as much as possible. Mike is almost phobic of hospitals and I was hoping this good experience would help him feel better. He did pretty well with the two wrist surgeries I had but we were in and out of the hospital in a very short amount of time. He was pretty nervous about my gallbladder surgery but, after all, I was pregnant.

This experience just helped reinforce his hatred of hospitals. Actually, it is just that bad things happen in them for him. His dad has had multiple hospitalizations that have resulted in LONG ICU stays and have involved multiple surgeries. I don't blame him for getting panicky. I sometimes feel that way, but it is more that I just really don't want to go to work, usually because of someone.

So Mike would go up with me every morning to see the doctor and visit Jake and then he would go up every evening, usually to take his parents to visit. But he didn't hang around for most of the day like me. Sometimes he was there longer than others, but in general, not for more than an hour a day, unlike my 12 or so hours.

Anyway, Mike has been wonderful. He has been helping a lot. Every night he lets me go to bed around nine or ten and he takes care of Jake until one or two in the morning and then it is my turn. There is usually a lot of crying in this time frame. Mike has gotten Jake to actually sleep in his bed instead of just on me. For the first week he would only sleep on my chest in the chair at night. He might sleep in his crib in the day but not at night. That makes mommy very tired! One night I even got to sleep in my bed for 6 straight hours. It was a dream!!!

He helps me give him his bath. He changes lots of diapers and he gives him most of the bottles that he still gets. What is the common theme here? MIKE IS STILL HOME FROM WORK!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE all of his help. It is wonderful, however, no work equals no pay! It has been a month now and I am freaking out! He has got to go back to work. The crappy thing is that he keeps telling me he won't help me like he has been when he goes back to work because he needs sleep. That is true, but so does mom.

We go and get our pictures taken tomorrow and Mike claims he will sign back up for work when we get home. Some how I see it stretching into Saturday and then to Monday but we will see...

I can't get over how much Jake looks and acts like Mike. I keep asking if I have any genetic contribution in this child. Mike says he has my chin. I asked which one since he has two. He certainly has Mike's temper, which isn't good. It is calm to majorly pissed in less than 2 seconds. I see this face a lot. Sadly, it is the same only hairier on my husband.

Three weeks old!

I can't believe how time is just flying since we have been home. It is just too damn fast. I feel bad because there are days when we are just trying to make it through. The ones when you didn't get any sleep, you can't seem to brush your teeth enough, and you just want the baby to go to sleep so you can get something - anything done. Most days aren't like that though. Most days I just feel like a milk machine for a hungry boy!


This was Jake just a couple of hours before they took him away to the NICU. That was so horrible.







We didn't take any pictures of him while he was at his worst. Hopefully that image will fade in my mind because right now it feels like it is burned into my heart. He was the only baby in the NICU that was in a warmer. The rest were all in bassinets like this one that he got to move into. Thank God there weren't any in isolets while we were there. While he was in the warmer they would hardly let me touch him (or so it felt). I couldn't pick him up unless his respiratory rate was less than 80 which was a difficult for him for a bit. Because he was breathing so fast he wasn't allowed to nipple anything. Everything had to be gavaged so he didn't aspirate. Then when he finally did start nippling it just exhausted him and he would only take a little and then the rest would be gavaged. The doctor said he needed to have 70 ml of formula every 3 hours. At his best he would only take 35 by nipple and then he felt full and stopped, that was after his breathing became easier. So then they kept putting it in the tube. Well, this is why we thought we were never going to get to come home. In the mean time I am trying to establish a milk supply when I have yet to have my son nurse. We tried before he went to the NICU, but it never worked. The lactation specialist was gone because she had taken time off around the holiday and I was failing terribly. When they took Jake away from me they brought me a pump kit and said "here, start pumping every three hours." So that is what I did. Come to find out there was a long list of instructions that could have helped me a lot that I did get from the lactation lady the following Tuesday when she came back.

Anyway with a ton of work and lot of help we finally got nursing. But then we had to still supplement with formula by gavage. See these chubby cheeks and double chin? My son that was born at 9lbs 9.7oz topped out in the NICU at 10lbs 7.6oz!! That is crazy. I know there was one day where I was nursing him and then he was getting formula that he gained 3 ounces in 24 hours. I am frustrated with the Dr and the lactation lady really helped me out. Obviously this was crazy since it is normal for a baby to weigh their birth weight at 2 weeks! Mine had gained almost a pound in LESS than one week! So she chewed on the NICU nurses and chewed on the doctor as well. It took a couple of days, but they finally agreed to let him eat when he wanted. Then in the night the nurses were still tube feeding him! I was so frustrated. I thought we were never going to get out. So finally he was nursing or getting mostly breast milk while I was gone and he started dropping weight. Duh! That is normal, and still we had to argue with the doctor.













They finally let us move to step down where we had to take care of Jake in a hospital room all on our own. (I was so pissed because the only reason we had to do that was because it was our first child). The doctor said he wanted us to do two nights! I had a melt down. Mind you, this doctor always manages to come talk to me while I have a child latched on to my breast! He also waited until Mike left the room for this discussion because by this time, Mike truly looked like he was going to kill the doctor. The doctor wasn't stupid. Anyway, we discussed that we would only have to stay one night if his weight was stable. Of course Jake lost just a few grams that night, but it was terrible. We were doing everything we could to stuff milk in this kid before that last weigh in. We felt like we were being held hostage.

Then to finally come home we had to agree to breastfeed and then give him a bottle after every feeding. We had to have home health come to weigh him every other day or we had to go into the doctor. It still felt like we were being held hostage, just at least we finally had comfortable chairs.

The formula they gave us was making him terribly gassy when he was getting both formula and breast milk. We had a really miserable night one night and I cried with him. The home health nurse was awesome. She also thought the doctor is a bit excessive with Jake's weight gain and was supportive of me when I decided that I wasn't going to give him one more damned formula bottle. So for a week he has only gotten pumped breast milk in his bottles. The doctor did give us different formula to try and he did get two or three bottles of that and he did have less gas, but Jake seems to like the taste of the breast milk better. So then when we went to the doctor on Friday I never lied I just was very careful about how I answered the doctor's questions. It was then that he said we could just give Jake an extra bottle when he wanted one and we could just give him breast milk, because after all breast milk is best. Holy crap! So many of us were trying to get this across and finally the last time I saw the doctor he says this! He wanted us to come back to see him in two weeks, but I asked if we could start seeing our regular doctor now. His feelings seemed to be hurt a little, but he said yes. So we were released from him on Friday and then we were released from home health on Monday. We are free at last!!!!!!

And we're off...

So we went in the morning of the 28 for an induction. I get my IV started and blood drawn. The blood clots so lab has to come draw it and the girl was an idiot. She stuck me twice with my fully loaded pregnant veins and couldn't get any blood. The next woman comes in and is out of the room in less than two minutes. Now that is service!

So the doctor comes in and says, "now you know this doesn't always work the first time." I now hate those words with a passion. Jacob's head had dropped more and it pushed my cervix around posterior where it had not been before. Now the nurse couldn't even reach it and so I didn't get checked until the doctor came over at lunch time. The pit got started at 0830 and I started having contractions almost right away. They gradually increased the pit and we plugged along. The contractions weren't too bad. I thought I might just be able to make it through this. So my doctor checked me at lunch time and was not pleased with my cervix at all. It hadn't changed and was still so far back. Now he says that I should have come in the night before for cytotec. Of course my cervix wasn't like that at my appointment the previous week so he said it wasn't necessary. I am not so happy. I am damn upset because I want to have a baby!!!! The pit keeps going up the contractions stall some and pick back up. I change nursing shifts and we start discussing what our plan of action is going to be. I am upset again. I want this baby to be born, damn it!

So we decided at 1700 that the pitocin is going to be shut off at 1800 and I am going to be monitored for awhile, fed, and sent to a room to get two doses of cytotec through the night. There are lots of tears at this point. I wanted a baby not this. My husband tells my mother who has been out in the waiting room and she manages to get her way back into the delivery room where I don't want her. She will be back earlier tomorrow she tells me. Great!!!

So Mike gets to go home and sleep and I am stuck in a hot room with a quarter of pill shoved up to the cervix no one can reach and stuck on a monitor. This is when I am supposed to be "getting some sleep for my big day tomorrow." Mind you, I had called over and talked to someone at work because I wanted to know which doctor was on call. The answer was not mine of course because he was on the day before. He told me he would stay with me as long as he could, bastard (sorry I am a bit bitter still).

They had to cancel another induction for Wednesday since I didn't deliver. I am so sorry to that woman. I can only imagine how I would have felt if I had gotten that call. I got my second dose of cytotec around 0500 and they wanted me to stay in bed as long as I could without getting up and going to the bathroom. Hello! I am 41 weeks pregnant and they have an IV going at 125 an hour. I had asked if we could turn it down to TKO but I was told no. I don't quite understand that because I was allowed to drink as much as I wanted. Anyway, I made it the required 90 minutes before going to the bathroom and the last 30 I had been suffering with bladder spasms. I was dying! So I got up and peed for about ten minutes and I started contracting. They hurt a far amount like when they shut off the pit the evening before. (when they shut off the pit they had hyper stimulated my uterus and I was having three contractions back to back that were lasting five minutes and then I would get a minute off and start over again). So I started contracting at about 063-0645 and they kept going. I had to stay in bed until 0800 and then I got to get up and take a shower to get ready for my big day. They had a c-section and another induction starting so they made me wait awhile to go back to the labor room which it didn't matter because I was already in labor.

So my cervix had moved back around and had thinned almost completely and I was having adequate contractions. My doctor came and checked on me and so did the doctor on call for the day and her resident. Not so happy. This guy is from South Africa, I think, and his social interactions are much different than those of most Americans. So the doc on call breaks my water over the lunch hour. I am in much more pain than I was the day before. I am actually quite miserable. They had set up an epidural for me I just had to wait until after my water was broken and then the call would be placed to anesthesia to come and put it in. I know very well that sometimes it can take awhile for them to have someone available to send someone over to OB so I was a bit worried and accepted the offered Nubian. That made me goofy. As luck would have it, there was someone available to come over immediately to put in my epidural. Actually, there was no luck involved, it was a very kind coworker waiting to come put in my epidural because they knew I would be getting one soon. It wasn't a perfect epidural, but it was still wonderful! I was able to get some rest finally. The best part was that our phones had to be shut off with the epidural pump and so for the first time in many days there was silence. We were unreachable!

Things kept progressing and by a little after 1720 I was complete, but still didn't have the urge to push with the epidural and all. The nurse wanted me to start pushing and the doctor said to just wait until I felt like it. My body would keep working and Jake's head still had a ways to go. So we waited and at 1745 I decided that I wanted to start pushing. I couldn't wait any more even though I still didn't feel pushy. So I pushed and pushed and pushed. I couldn't get his head to come around so the doctor got out the vacuum. She weighs all of about 90 pounds (you think I'm kidding and I'm not) and wasn't strong enough to help pull him down. So at 2000 she brought up c-section. Now I was absolutely exhausted at this point but I was not going to let this woman cut me. I was mad because my doctor bailed on me and I thought that wasn't going to happen. Then I am left with the one, the only one I didn't want.

So she says c-section and some how I managed to gather all the strength I had left in my body and I pushed Jacob out. He was born at 2023. He was absolutely covered in meconeum. The cord was around his neck once and he got a horrible wound on the back of his head from the suction cup. Mike didn't get to cut the cord because they were worried about his lungs. I barely got to see him pass by to the nurse. Mike was still at my side looking all the way across the room at Jacob so I told to get his camera and go be with his son.

Mike walked over to the warmer and said "Hi, Jacob" and he turned his head toward his daddy's voice and Mike started taking pictures. This is the first one of his life.















Then he reached toward his daddy.














Mommy watched from across the room as she was getting stitched up. A doctor was sewing until 2130. I kept telling them my epidural had worn off completely and she didn't believe me until she took the catheter out 2 hours later. I kept getting upset during the suturing and she then felt bad. I had a third degree tear, a deep vaginal tear, and a tear to my urethra. That is the one that has really, really hurt!



That scale does say 9 pounds 9.7 ounces. He was 22 inches long with a 15.25 inch head. I am hoping I will be in a better place by the time I get back to work but I keep wondering how things would have or could have gone if I had my doctor there instead. Would he have let me push so long or would he have said enough? Would things have been so stinking traumatic for Jacob and I or not? (the application of the suction to Jacob's head caused some of my internal ripping).



This is the wound that Jacob had from the suction cup. It looks like he has a giant, deep laceration from the cup. As they got it cleaned up better they saw that it was more like a horrible burn. They had to call in the doctor for the NICU to come and look at this wound. He contacted a neonatologist in Denver because he was concerned with a wound like this on the head with Jacob having been absolutely covered in his own stool. They didn't want him to get an infection right next to his soft spot and then into his brain. Not a good idea huh? So Jacob got whisked away from us. The nurse passed by and let me take a quick look as Jacob went to the NICU for all this looking over. They were worried about his lungs too and they took a chest xray. It took two hours before he came back and then when he did the nurse put him over in the warmer across the room from me and left. I wasn't allowed to get up yet and it was me and Jake but there wasn't anything I could do to get closer to my baby. Mike came back and moved the warmer as close as the cords would allow so at least I was finally able to touch my baby. We were in recovery for a long time. Jake had to have a sat monitor on and I bled quite heavily so I had to just hang out for extra time to make sure I was going to be okay. It was awful. I never want to repeat this experience and then it got worse but I will go into that in the next chapter...

We're HOME!!

Hopefully in the next day or so I can get some pictures on here and get a few words written about our little "journey." Nothing has gone as planned or even remotely as expected. I guess that has been true about the entire process of getting and being pregnant. Why should I think things would change now???

We got home yesterday afternoon and now we are trying to figure out what the hell we are doing. We are preparing for the mass of visitors and I am being forced to stuff my baby to the point of his getting sick (not at all happy about this front). But I had to beg and plead, not to mention cry my eyes out, to get the hell out of the hospital. Anyway, we are finally HOME!!!!

quick update

I only have a minute and I can't get the f*c*i!# computer to upload the pictures off of my camera and I am pissed. As we all know I can, I will give a more lengthy explanation later but nothing happened as it was supposed to or as I was hoping for. Jacob Wayne was finally born at 2023 on August 29th instead of the the 28th. This didn't go all that well and my 9lb 9.7oz boy is still in the hospital and I am not. I never ever dreamed my baby would be in the NICU but he is and I am heading up for another feeding right now.