Freak out today

I had my six week checkup today. I was working on a panic attack in the waiting room. I don't know why I was having all the feelings I was having. I was surrounded by pregnant girls and a couple of pregnant women. There was one other post partum patient and no one else. I don't know why it upset me so much that all these "women" (I would say most weren't 20 years old) were pregnant and I wasn't. Hello?? I DO have a newborn. I just suddenly wanted to be pregnant again. Crazy??? I would say so. I didn't understand at all.


I hardly had to wait at all, maybe five minutes. Not surprising because I was seeing a PA not an OB and she doesn't do their visits. I was so glad because I was about to climb the wall, go across the ceiling and make a run for it. I got weighed. Still not a good number, but exactly 20 lbs less than my very first OB visit and I had on a heavy shirt and jeans. I was hoping for a little more, but I'm not about to complain since I was expecting to be normal and gain weight with pregnancy. The nurse took me around the corner and I came face to face with the doctor that delivered me. Great! That didn't help my anxiety level. I don't ever want her to touch me again. Did I write that I ran into her last weekend when I was out shopping with my mom? She gave me a hug and told me she had been thinking about me a lot lately and particularly the day before because a rep brought them in a new vacuum. The new vacuum has more control and won't hurt babies like mine got hurt. Is this what I want to hear???


Anyway, I went into the exam room was about hyperventilating. The nurse took my blood pressure and although it was normal I had taken the day before it was a ton higher. You don't say? Well, the exam went better than I hoped. The PA assured me that I am not falling apart like it feels when I cough, laugh, or blow my nose and sometimes when I try to stand from a sitting position and I am holding my baby. I'm not healed all the way though and I have a yeast infection. I was surprised when she said that. I couldn't tell at all! I was embarrassed. She said it is common because of having to wear the damn diapers (I really don't like pads) for so long. My poor husband had been watching the calendar... He said he could wait another week. I just couldn't wait to get out of that office. I thought I was doing better with how things went, but I guess I haven't had enough time yet. I guess my emotional wounds are still to raw. I was told I needed to come back in January for my annual exam and I don't know if I will be able to do that. I think I may have to go to my family doctor. That is who I have usually gone to.

I compared the list I had made for birth announcements to my Christmas card list and they were almost the same. My charge nurse has a board where she puts pictures and I will give her one for that board and I think that pretty much counts for everyone in the department, with the exception of a few close friends. I had two different lists last year - the people I gave handmade cards and those I gave purchased cards. Only the handmade list is getting the photo announcements I decided. I can't post any of the pictures yet because the proofs are currently available to us through the photographer's website. I will put the birth announcement at the very least when we get it here. I would be happy to share the pictures if anyone really wants to look at them. You just need to email me and I will email you the site and the password. The pictures will only be available until next Saturday and then they are gone forever. That isn't true, we would just have to pay for another two weeks.

I got a little misty today. When I was getting Jake ready for bed tonight I decided that I am going to have to put away some of his 0-3 month clothes because he is too big. My little boy is growing so much! I have a container ready for his clothes in the basement and I just wonder if I will ever need them again. We really have nothing that is very unisex, probably less than 5% without potentially giving a girl a complex. Besides, I can see Daddy wanting to put a little princess in pink, lace, and bows. I was never that girl!