I will survive...

So life has been different. I have been through such a roller coaster of emotions lately. It was so hard to leave my job. What I did love I really did love. I feel like that part of me has died a little. What sucked, I don't miss at all. But I miss the people, at least most of them, a whole lot. I miss my coworkers. I miss the doctors. I am used to working with a large number of people. Now I work with a very small number of people in a small tight space. They are all nice though. I am just used to something different. The first two weeks I was worried if this was a do-able job for me. I mean, I know I can learn what I need to learn, but what I was dealing with was not a one person job. And it wasn't, I had someone there with me. But it was such a disastrous mess. My first week on my own was okay. This week was okay, but I think last week was better. It is a different pace. There are still lots of issues to work out, but I think it will happen. It is not perfect. The patients tend to be... challenging. They love the doctor, but don't necessarily like what he has to offer them and much of that time I am the one with that news. We definitely have some challenging patients. That is fine, but they are very time consuming. I have some frustrations but it will get better. One of my biggest frustrations is the amount of time it takes to get things done. There are so many things that you rely on other people and if it takes them time, it holds you up. I can understand people's frustrations with health care. I have discovered that work comp is a nightmare to deal with. Many many of our patients are there with work comp. Hopefully, as I learn more, and as we figure more out, it will get faster. It seems like there has to be an easier way to do a lot of things and maybe there is and hopefully I will find it.



Our life is much different. We get up in the morning and have some time before we have to be out. It hasn't taken us much time to learn to sleep a little later which is FANTASTIC! Jake fights with me everyday worse than he ever has though about going to school in the morning. I have a lot more freedom now and it is strange to me. I can take a longer lunch and leave if I want. Maybe someday I will. I don't much. I tend to try to catch up on calls and paperwork at lunch but I have been forcing myself to try to take 30 minutes for lunch. On Mondays and Fridays I might leave though and then I will take longer. We have a lot of things that we have to get going still and I think it will take more than just me to do the job. They are looking at that though. There were a few surprises that I am not all that happy about, but there still things not set in stone yet so we will see.



It is wonderful to have close to the same hours everyday. I do have to push to get out by 5:30-5:40 sometimes. I have to though to get Jake. It is interesting to see a whole different world of people by having a different schedule or even a schedule. I have yet to get a "normal" paycheck so I am a little worried about that. We will see I guess. Mike has been gone a lot but it doesn't seem like he is working enough. Things are getting bad with the railroad and I think Mike is the closet he has ever been to being without a job. That does not make the pregnant wife feel good. Not at all. I didn't realize things were that bad again and now I am a bit more freaked out.



Jake is so freaking busy. Man, I wish I had his energy! He just goes and goes and goes! He is having a good summer though. Daycare has a ton of stuff planned for them to keep them busy. He starts swimming lessons on Monday for two weeks. I wish I could go with him. I would love to see that. Actually, it has me a little anxious since I'm not there and my baby will be in water! Jake is working on potty training. He is getting it. We still have awhile before he will be wearing underwear but we hare closer. He totally uses the potty against me though. When ever he wants to manipulate a situation he tells me he needs to go potty. You know, like when he is in time out, time to leave for school or when he doesn't want to do something. He is doing pretty well in his big bed. He won't get into the covers but that is not a big deal. He still wakes me up a lot. I have a lot of bad nights actually. This whole situation has had me pretty depressed, the weather and then pregnancy have had me just wanting to sleep tons.



I had an OB appointment today. I was down two more pounds this month. I thought it would be up this time but I was wrong. I guess I didn't remember what I weighed last time. I took my glucose tolerance test this week and passed just fine. I saw the midwife and I think that I am going to keep seeing her now. I have always liked her but I have felt obligated to see the doctors since I worked with them. She talked to me for a long time and everything she said made sense. Everything she said was on track with what I feel and what I want. I felt like I was finally being listened to. She has been delivering longer than any of the doctors we have now that deliver. I also think she will come in for me even if she isn't on call. When they made my next appointment they just automatically made it with her so I think I will just see her. Many, many years ago I wanted to become a midwife. I really did. But that was before I decided I hated school and when I thought I would be going into L&D when I got out of school. Anyway, I think that is what I am going to do. I have an appointment with an ultrasound in three weeks. She chuckled at all the notes on ultrasounds to be done on my chart. She was very professional, however, about talking about the difference between the newer doctors and the doctors that started the practice that she knows I am familiar with. The older doctors worked very hard to always be current with best science and best practice. They were never behind, which would surprise many people about our rural setting. Anyway, I just felt so comfortable with her so I will keep seeing her.

Final Friday

Tomorrow is my last regular day. I'm on call, of course. I still have to work Saturday and Sunday call too. But this is sooooo hard! I cried I don't know how many times today. I am trying to get all these ends tied up and it is hard. I'm not being given time to do it, of course. At least today a coworker agreed to take my coordinator duties. That makes me feel better. She has never done it before but there was once a day that I hadn't done it as well. She has a lot to learn but there are other people there to help her which wasn't the case for me. Plus, things are in pretty good shape for her as I leave. I feel much better about leaving. She will do a good job. Plus, it isn't like I am leaving the planet and I can always help her from a distance. I just wish I had a bit more time to try to teach her a few things. There are lot. I need to get some stuff signed off on the person I am, well, I guess I was orienting. As much as I have complained, I am very sad. I will miss this place, it feels like home. My current boss is already setting up meetings for me at my new job. I almost had to walk away from her today and tell her that I still needed to do my job at hand before I could move on.

I am feeling tons of anxiety about my new job. My clothes haven't come yet. I ordered them on the eleventh from a store and I was told NO PROBLEM!! I keep hearing about all the problems they are having getting things done between the office and the areas he works. The nurse that is there right now is ready to jump ship I am told and isn't sure she can wait for me to get there. Sweet!!! It sounds like the major problem is a scheduling issue with associated communication issues. Good news is that scheduling is something I DO understand. I understand this process well. Or at least I have a much better understanding than she has and I know all the people involved in the process. I know all the steps it takes to get something done that people don't realize happen. What I don't know is the office stuff. So, hopefully, she will be there to teach me that and then the other part I can work out. I believe this person is supposed to cover for me while I am on maternity leave so she can't leave now!! I am not feeling confident. People keep telling me that I am a person that gets things done. It doesn't seem like that to me but I hope I can get this done. I hope I can learn what I need. I hope I haven't made a mistake.

Oh boy

Wow, has there been a lot going on. Well by boss came up with another job for me. A unit manager position opened up for one of our other units. That would be the equal of my charge nurse (unit manager) that has been, well, we've gone there in the past. There are a couple of issues with this. I have never worked in that department. I haven't done that job. How am I supposed to be the manager??? The other women in the department have been there for years. They would have to teach me how to do the job. Does that make sense? Only one of them wants to work full time. I think she should have the job. I wouldn't be opposed to going and working there as one of the nurses, but if that job was posted (as it would have to be) there would be much more qualified applicants than me. The second thing there would be a pay raise involved, but that would be because of the increased duties! Ok, if someone wants to pay me more that would be great, but it isn't because I want to have to do any more responsibilities. I don't need MORE responsibilities and I mean a lot more.

Last Monday I told my coworkers I was leaving at meeting where my boss could be there to say she tried to keep me. No one said anything at the meeting. It took a bit for people to start saying anything to me about it. There were only two people that made bitchy comments to my face and they weren't even that bad it was just the presentation. They wanted to know how I found out about that job. I was honest and told them I was told there would be a job and applied when it became an opening and told them it was open for at least four weeks. That hushed them up. One of them even asked me later if I needed an assistant because she would go with me. Really, people have been very understanding. I have cried a freaking ton this week. People keep taking me aside and telling me how much they will miss me and how no one will ever do my job as well as I can. I had to tell each of the doctors that I specialize with and that was hard. I couldn't talk to them much because of the tears. They all understood. Who better knows how hard it is to be on call with a family than an OB doctor? The doctor who was supposed to have delivered Jake was so nice. He gave me a hug and told me not to worry. Maybe we wouldn't get to work together in surgery anymore but I wouldn't be leaving him behind. He would be my boss now. He was teasing me but actually he was telling the truth. He is the president over combined group of offices. So it is true.

Anyway, I have had many people say many nice things. It is hard. I feel like I am leaving a great big family. There are some nasty uncles and CRAZY cousins, but overall it is a good family. So this week begins my last and that will be hard. My last full week. My last weekend. I have already worked my last late shift (not sad). Of course my last call - the whole two days of it next weekend. I won't miss that either. But I am sad. It is making it very hard to try and get excited about a new job and a new opportunity. I really wish I had a few days off before starting. Some time to reset. But that isn't how it works, of course, so I will jump in and not dwell.

I have been working hard to tie up loose ends. I have been writing many many many emails telling people that I am leaving. I got a very nice message from one of my reps. He told me what a good job I did as a service coordinator and that I could easily step into that role at a larger hospital and that he hopes that I am able to go back to it someday. That is always a possibility sometime in the future. I have had many people tell me that I am welcome to come back (except my boss). I still have a lot to do and I hope I can get it all done. My charge nurse isn't being too terrible, but she is giving me some big assignments and that makes it hard to try and get the other things I need to get done. Our department has a meeting tomorrow and I am hoping to find there is someone else willing to take on my service because I have things I need to pass on. I have been doing what I can with the offices and reps and stuff, but they want another name. I don't blame them. Someone has to do the job.

So this week is going to be harder than last. But, I will make it. Oh, plus last week was my birthday and that is always hard for me. Mike did a pretty good job with that. He didn't get me my shoes I really wanted but I will get them eventually.

tough week

So I handed my resignation to my boss last week and she folded it up and gave it back to me. We talked for over an hour and she tried to come up with a way for me to stay. She brought my charge nurse in and well, it seemed like it went okay. I don't really want to leave is my problem. I have been so sick all stinking week. What do I do? I have worried and fretted. I mean I know I am really not looking forward to the change in the work situation. I mean I know I can learn the job but I don't want to have to learn everything new. Especially right now with a new life joining us.

So I have been thinking, trying to decide. I didn't exactly like what my boss had to offer. She wanted me to immediately come out of a room and work with our aides. Last summer a nurse was put in charge over the aides to help that horrible situation. I don't have a stinking clue what she does. She had surgery several weeks ago and is still to be out for several more weeks and then comes back with lots of restrictions because she hasn't been able to put any weight on her leg at all. She has extensive rehab to go. Whatever. I don't want to do her job. I have been helping the aides as much as I can and I recognize that they really do need someone there giving them guidance. I'm not it. Anyway, her offer was to do this until I need to go out for the baby. It is a complete change from the last time I was pregnant. I mean she wants me to be able to take it easy and if I need to cut back I can. Well, I would come back from maternity leave as a casual employee but I could work as much as I want. However, if there isn't a need then I don't work. That is a problem. That is a huge problem. Right at this moment I could truly work everyday but that could change. As a casual employee, you don't work late shifts, you don't have to work weekends, and you don't take any call and you don't work any holidays. You can say that you don't want to work and they can't schedule you. You don't get benefits but you make a higher wage. I don't need the benefits (I can still contribute to my retirement account). But if they don't need you you don't work. Of course they are far from being in that position but I would need to work at least seven out of ten days to keep paying the bills. That is a lot. That would mean that I would have to cross train to most of my sister units and hope and pray they use me too. Mike says we could make this work because I wouldn't have to go through as much change. However, I know my coworkers. This would not go over well. It didn't go over well when the nurse was put in this position last summer and now to add me? Right! I offered to continue in my current position until I went out and then come back casual after the baby is born. Nope, that isn't what she wants. (there is a little benefit to me to come back casual. You don't get to keep your PTO's because you can't use them as a casual employee so I get to use them all up before I come back. That would mean I could take more than twelve weeks off!!!)

Okay, so I have talked to my boss many times this week. She has a position she is trying to create next year and she wants me to do it. It would be full time and so forth, but she doesn't know when it will be open. So I would have to hold on with the casual until that job is open. I'm sure the hospital is going to try to push it off as long as possible. It is a needed/required job but they can put it off until June, July, October, whatever. So that means holding on with an unknown income until then.

I appreciate that she is willing to try to keep me. She really wants someone around that can step into the charge position if my manager gets sick (that happens fairly often, right). I don't want to. It used to be the nurse that is over the aides now that did that and boss won't let that happen anymore. I don't want it to be me. I don't like running the show. The show is a mess!

So, as much as I really don't want to leave, I am going to give my resignation back to her tomorrow. Maybe she will consider me for the other position if my new job doesn't work out. I am concerned that the doctor won't be here for long. I think that is a reasonable concern having watched what happens over the years. He is a hospital employee so there is some obligation there. He does have a contract, but I'm sure he has a lawyer too. I have heard how excited they are to have me starting soon. I ran into one of the three office managers (that is a problem) today and she was thrilled. They can't wait to see me the 24th, I was told.

So now it really happens. Now my coworkers will know that I am leaving and the nastiness can begin. It is now only three weeks that I will have to put up with it. The boss did hire a traveling nurse but my coworkers thought it was to help with the problem we already have, not to help cover my shifts. At least the traveler will allow the person I am orienting to be able to finish her time to be ready to be out on her own. I just have so much stuff to do before I go. I feel bad about that. I didn't get much done this past week because I was too stressed out trying to figure out what I was going to do. That and I worked a shit load. I had a 20 hour day. That alone should help me decide to leave right??

the day has come

Tomorrow is the the day I turn in my resignation. My boss was gone all of last week so that wasn't even an option. I am a freaking wreck. I really don't want to leave, but I don't want my job as it stands. I am very anxious to step out of my comfort zone, but this is my family we are talking about so I will do whatever I need to do. I've just been a mess today. Crying, at total crab, sick to my stomach, unable to complete just about everything I start. Mike is going to work sometime tonight so he wont even be home tomorrow night at all. I just feel like a deserter. I am afraid people won't ever talk to me again. I don't have that many good friends outside of work so that makes it kind of lonely. I know most of them will understand. I'm just not going to be able to see them that much. I mean, I know what it is like, they are always WORKING. On the rare occasion that we go out for a drink after work when we get out in a timely fashion, I won't be able to go because I will still be working. It just feels lonely already and I haven't told them yet.

Well, hopefully my nightmares that Jake is left trapped at daycare and I am trapped in surgery will stop. It is so horrible trying to figure out who is going to pick him up this day and that and who will be with us when I'm on call so we aren't alone. I've narrowly escaped having my name drawn to cover the day's call when the person that was supposed to be on call was home sick. I just can't do that. The day I got it Mike happened to be home and it worked out. It takes lots of planning for me to be on call.

I just wish I could bake up a storm right now or purge tons and tons of crap from my house. I do need to do that, but today isn't the day for either. Jake has been sick. Viral tonsillitis. He has been sick for several days. He has been so naughty when he feels okay and then he gets a high fever and just wants Mommy. He seems to be doing better today. His fever has been down. I hope the same is true for tomorrow because I have to go to work. I don't go to work until 11 anyway. Maybe if he has a fever in the morning I can give him Motrin and it will be down long enough to be in daycare before Grandma picks him up. I do have to go to a meeting at 6:30 and Jake has to go with me.

I can't even get my thoughts together! Thank goodness I wrote my resignation letter yesterday!!!!

We made it

I only have a minute but everything was fine. Everything looked just like it was supposed to. They had no concern that there was anything at all abnormal looking with the baby. We are having another boy too! We only got a glimpse but we could see what we needed to see. I am off for a truly rare thing - a date with my husband to celebrate!

The offer is in

I finally was able to talk to this lady today. I was SHOCKED with what I heard. I never dreamed they could do so well. I didn't know what they could do, but I was expecting about $5 less an hour to be the offer. It wasn't. They offered me 12 cents less an hour than I currently make. TWELVE pennies. I'm glad she couldn't see my face and that I was sitting down. She told me that I wouldn't be eligible for any raises because they are offering the absolute max. I think that means I will get screwed out of the cost of living raise this year. When people get maxed they give it in a lump but since I will be "new" to the Physician's Clinic pay scale I won't get it. Oh well, next year if there are raises I will get it. I don't see them changing cap any time soon, but that's still okay. Raises have become very few and far between so I'm not really expecting the one they are promising us now anyway. Actually, it is technically more than my base salary because I have a 6% adjustment because of all the things I have done for our ladder. Of course there is call pay and the additional pay I get for overtime and for being a service coordinator. Anyway, there will still be a noticeable pay cut, but there won't be any call. There won't be any weekends. Mike won't have to stay home so I can work so that means he should be able to make a little more money (that means I will have to make him go to work when he doesn't want to). No holidays! (I can't complain much because I did only have one a year. Mine for 2010 is Christmas so I wouldn't have to work a single one this year). I never dreamed they could do so well. That makes me feel valued at least. They didn't like my lack of clinic experience but I do have experience that they are only going to find with a very few people in our area.

So it comes down to our appointment tomorrow. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine and then I will change jobs. The hours will be better on our family in the long run. It will be a change in the beginning but in the long run it will be better. I will be able to get kids off to school in the mornings most of the days and there are many after school options. Mike has pretty much told me I have to take it. He couldn't believe that I am waiting for the appointment. We have talked about this many times. I'm thinking he doesn't listen. Wait, that isn't anything new... I will have to buy all new clothes. I haven't had to buy scrubs since I was a student! I have never owned scrubs with any color. I have to find a stethoscope and I have to remember how to do blood pressures (okay, it isn't hard but I haven't done it for YEARS). I have to get a pocket drug book because I'm a little out of date on some of those things and lots of the drugs I will be encountering are relatively new. These are all things I can learn. This is do-able. But man, I will miss the people I love to work with. The problem is that I don't get to work with them anywhere near enough. I think I am going to get in touch with my friend that works there already. I have some questions about how somethings work. Like how do YOU make an appointment for yourself. I do have a few appointments coming up right? I just wonder how things work. I did find out that I may have to float some but my chances of that are supposedly rare because I will be a personal nurse and not on a "nursing team". Let me learn one job first please!

Torn

I applied for the different job right? It took a bit to hear back and the HR lady wanted to talk to me. She left a message to set up 'a time to talk.' I thought that meant an interview but apparently I was wrong. I talked to her. She talked to the doctor and called me back and told me they weren't interested in me at that moment. The doctor really wanted someone with experience with patients with chronic pain. I was a bit surprised but was totally fine with it. I figured that meant I was supposed to stay at my job. I don't have any experience working in a clinic and that only worries me a little. I am certain that is something I can learn. I do have lots of experience doing procedures (duh) which this doctor is supposed to do by the dozens. Whatever. I mean I was asked by the people that brought this doctor here to apply, but whatever. My friend that was the one that asked me of course asked me if I had had an interview yet. I told her, funny story, they told me they aren't interested in me and what this lady said. Her face turned beet red and she stormed off muttering under her breath. So I thought I might be getting another call. Several days went by and I thought okay whatever. Then a week, then two and I pretty much forgot and moved on.

So last Thursday I was on call and I thought nothing of it when my phone rang and it was the hospital number. I was attempting to unload Jake from the car as I answered the call. I was surprised when I was getting a call to see if I was still interested in the job and to set up an interview. They wanted to interview me the next day. I had an OB appointment the next day so that was not even close to a possibility. I'm trying to juggle Jake and dig around to find my next schedule for the next week. It felt so professional and all but I was exactly expecting the call so I wasn't prepared. We set up an interview for this past Monday. It was at 3:30 and I told her that there was a chance I wouldn't be able to get out of work in time. Thankfully I was able to. I was a nervous wreck. I had a bit of time after I got to building where the interview was held so I stopped and went to the bathroom. Of course I splashed water all over my shirt when I washed my hands! I got there and I waited and I waited. She had told me there would be a panel of four interviewing me so I made five resumes just in case (let me tell you that was a horrible feat in and of itself!). Of course there ended up being five women. I only knew one of them and thank goodness she at least was friendly. Our hospital, which apparently includes the clinic uses this interviewing method. I know it has a name but I couldn't tell you what it is. I have seen many many many of the questions myself. I have reviewed them on a committee and I took part in lots and lots of interviews when I was on the staffing committee. We however, rarely used them because my director didn't like them. The questions are kind of strange and sort of apply. I mean they are supposed to tell you how a person thinks but they aren't telling you about a person's skills related to the job. Whatever. I came up with an answer for everything. I didn't know how it went. Not as great as I might have liked. Each person got to ask me a series of questions so it was long. Then they ushered me out and made me sit while they talked about for a good twenty minutes. Talk about nerve wracking! Then a couple of them (the one that would be my boss who has to be close to 10 years younger than me and the HR person) took me to meet the doctor and to see the office. I actually hadn't ever been to the office because they moved not too long ago to have space for this doctor.

The doctor seemed very nice. The office surprised me a little. For some reason I assumed it had been remodeled before they moved in so I surprised to see how dated it is. This office has the two doctors that make the most money for the hospital in it. I just thought it would be a bit more. However, both of those doctors are hardly ever there because they are in the hospital doing procedures. They both have nurse practitioners that are crazy busy seeing the patients. I know both them pretty well. I have worked with one since I started in surgery. She was a scrub there going to school. I helped orient her for the brief time she had the same job I have. Then I continued to work with her until she took the job she has now. The other one I know pretty well and her nurse worked down with us too before she went to be her nurse. Of course, my friend is the neurosurgeon's nurse. So there would be lots of people that know me and I them so that would make things easier right?

I had a message last evening that they would like to talk to me about the job. I am really sad I missed the call. I have a lot to think about. I don't want to leave but my job is so stressful. Not that the new one wouldn't be. It presents its own problems or bag of worms. I have more questions for them now that I have had more time to think. I feel like I would be abandoning those I DO love and letting down the doctors I specialize with. Actually, I had a huge meltdown at my OB appointment that Friday and I talked about it with the doctor. He kept telling me that I need to what is best for me and my family, but then he brought up what about him a few times. Who would help him? I really and truly don't know. If it was their office the job was with I would be sprinting out, without looking back. Okay, maybe that isn't quite true, but close. My ideal job is to work for them. But anyway, I would miss them so much. Women's health is really what I want to do, not pain management. I'm sure I can do it but there will be a lot of learning for me. A lot. I have to answer patient calls right and I don't know what the answers are. That is probably the thing that concerns me the most.

Anyway, I wish I had gotten call because I don't know what they can offer me for income. Of course, that is big deal. The biggest deal and could in fact end this difficult decision for me right on the spot. If the job is a possibility, I can't make a decision until after my appointment Wednesday. Wednesday is our anatomy scan. If there is a problem, I won't go. I can't start a new job when I may need to take a leave of absence. We are living right now assuming the odds are not us, that our baby is fine. But, if it isn't... If the baby dies before delivery or at birth I am taking as much f***ing time off as I need. They can freaking fire me if they don't like it. If the baby has problems but they aren't severe enough to be fatal at birth I will probably have to take an extended leave to care for the baby until it does die. Or if the baby does have problems but is one of the rare few that live past one year, I will have to quit my job to care for my child. So more waiting, more thinking (things are worse at work than they have ever, ever been), and not a lot of sleeping.

Happy Easter

I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend. Ours wasn't too bad. Mike was home still on his vacation. It ends at midnight tonight and I am actually going to be sad. For the first time I am really sad that his vacation is coming to an end. It has been so nice having him home. I had part of a couple of days off to spend with him sort of. Mike got a lot done around here so that was nice.

We spent kind of a quiet weekend as a family. We didn't do a whole lot. Our Saturday got off to a rough start. I got up early so I could get Jake and myself ready to go to the dreaded store before the crowd got bad. Well after I finished emptying my stomach, I looked down at my leg and saw this huge lump. It wasn't there the day before. It's on my medial calf, just below my knee. It definitely was not there when I went to bed. It was the size of egg and firm. Well, crap. I went and woke Mike up and showed him. He FREAKED! I was pretty sure where I would end up but I didn't know where I should go first. So as experience has taught me, call the OB's office first. So I did. But I waited, and I waited. The first responder for the weekend was our midwife so I guessed it would be awhile because she was probably delivering a baby. That turned out to be true. She told me to go to the urgent care. I thought they opened at nine so I waited around forever before I went. That is when they open on weekdays. Turns out they were open at eight so I could have gone sooner. Oh well. So the doctor there takes one look at it and says I need to have an ultrasound of my leg right away. That was what I was expecting. I knew it wasn't a blood clot. I had figured out while I was waiting for the midwife to call that when I put my leg up the lump completely went away.

Thankfully, the vascular tech let me go to the surgeons' office and not the ED. That is what I was so not wanting to do. Everything in the Emergency Department takes so damn long. I didn't want to spend my whole day there. I called a friend to meet me at the office because I couldn't do it alone. The doctor was afraid it might be an aneurysm and I couldn't hear that by myself. So it took about an hour but within seconds we knew the problem. A vein in my leg gave out. The wall exploded, not ruptured, just ballooned to a ridiculous size. It measured a crazy amount when I was reclined so when I stand up and it bulges it is insanely huge. She mapped both my legs while we were there because I have to get this fixed as soon as I have the baby. She said I won't have to have the mapping done again so she might as well do the whole thing because I get charged for it. I have to wear crazy compression hose that I can get ordered on Monday. I may end up on bed rest because of this. AWESOME. Just what I need. I'm sixteen weeks tomorrow. Okay, this is more of the kind of thing I was expecting not getting crappy lab results. This sounds like how things go for me. I don't know if I have problems because I just waited too long or I was going to have problems no matter what and if I had been 8-10 years younger I simply couldn't have handled this. I don't know. It doesn't much matter now does it?

Well, once I got that all straightened away I was able to go shopping by myself. Thank goodness, because it took FOREVER. It was nuts there. Absolutely nuts! I thought I would never get out of there. I made it home in time to throw the groceries in the house and grab Jake to head out the door to make it to an egg hunt. I didn't think we would, but we made it with a few minutes to spare. It was hosted by a friend and there were about 30 kids so it was much safer than the crazy public ones or the one hosted by the hospital. Jake loved it. He got to see the Easter Bunny and he followed him around. He filled his little basket up and then he started filling a little girl from daycare's basket. It was fun. He was all about the candy and shoved it in his mouth as fast as he could. There were 1000 eggs so each kid did pretty well! It was great. The weather wasn't too bad. It was cool and the wind was horrible but Friday it snowed then rained so we weren't sure how it would be.

Today was pretty good. I managed to sleep too late to make it to church. Jake didn't see his basket until about nine so things were pretty quiet until then. He didn't even go after the candy for a long time. He got a new Toy.Story and Toy.Story.2 and that held his attention. Our Buzz was worn out from watching and skipped every time we played it. We never even owned the second one so that was completely new to him. He was so excited. Too soon he did have some candy and was bouncing off the walls! I couldn't get him to eat much food at all today. He did crash and nap. Then late grandma and grandpa stopped by and gave him more presents which included some chocolate. He was literally bouncing off the walls again. Thank you so much. They left us with a mess of a child but we recovered. We had dinner just the three of us. It was nice. I forgot we, we finally got to dye our eggs too. It was decent enough to do it outside today. We had planned to do it yesterday, but since our day got rearranged it didn't happen. It was so windy we might not have done it anyway. So there we go.

Struggling

Last week was very difficult and it doesn't feel like it has ended. I had to work the weekend and I need a break. I need a reset. I am getting really tired and emotional and I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of this darn week. We got our news from the doctor. We have all been really sick. We got blindsided from our accountant on our taxes. We were expecting a check but instead we have to write a huge one and a big one. We don't have that money in our pockets right now. I had to work very late Friday. Saturday wasn't too bad at work but we discovered that there was a long list of debits from our checking account that were nothing we had seen before. We tried calling the numbers that were available to us but we couldn't get anyone. We haven't slept well all week but I tell you Saturday was probably the worst. I got up early Sunday because I was on call and needed to be showered and ready for a trip to work. I started calling the numbers again. On the second call I was able to figure out that it was Mike's number that was stolen. Sorry honey, but that was good new to me. We still don't know how this will end but my credit score is much, much better than Mike's and so if any one's score gets worse it should be his. So we discovered that people were very amazingly helpful. The day was beautiful and I got to stay home so long.

I got to take Jake to a birthday party. It was only his second one, but it was the first time he got to have cake and ice cream. I was excited. I didn't even tell him about it until that morning. He actually took his nap and was ready to go. It went pretty well. He was the youngest one there. All the kids are from his daycare. He was the youngest though and it was obvious. He was also the only boy besides the birthday boy. It was challenging. They still struggled with the presents being Collin's and not theirs. It was hardest with the two boys. I was embarrassed but the parents kept saying it was fine. Jake cried and got upset about a car that was like one of his. I almost took him home but we recovered. He ate his first real birthday cake just as he should. He ate all the frosting and didn't touch the cake. It was red frosting too. It enjoyed watching it tremendously.

We got home and were just settling in when the call came. 1712 the call came to go in for a laceration. That isn't bad at all. But when we were finishing the laceration we hear about the appy. When we are getting that patient from the ED we hear the helicopter went out to pick someone up. So by the time we have taken the appy to the recovery room we are hearing there is a trauma patient arriving by air in 6 minutes. We haven't eaten and there is nothing available to us in the hospital and we can't go anywhere because of the trauma. We don't have time to order delivery. Mike used to bring us stuff in the days before there was a little person to have worry about. Well, my scrub snuck out and was gone less than fifteen minutes to get us food. We were able to eat and recover before the initial trauma assessment was done and then had to wait for the next line of doctors. Then we had to do the surgery. Oh and then you have to clean up. So it was two in the morning before we are getting to leave. We both had to be back to work at 6:30 and we didn't get to leave until 2. I am still tired.

Today was hard because I am crabby from still being tired. I also am having a hard time not thinking and worrying today. I know there is nothing I can do. We have what we have. I've decided that I'm not ready to know because I'm not ready to deal with anything but normal. I'm not. I don't know what we will do. How we can handle it. Mike mentioned another baby if things don't go well and I just can't comprehend doing this again. Then I think about how sad it makes to think of not getting to go through the joy and exhaustion of a baby again. I just don't know. Everything has to be fine because I don't think I'm strong enough to get through this if it isn't - not just the next 6 months but the next 6 years. I'm ready for a giant margarita and a whole bottle of antidepressants. (I know they don't mix, but come on).

Okay, I'm just ready for the week that hasn't ended to be over.

The Plan

There has been a lot of thinking, a lot of talking and some crying at our house. Yesterday I tried to talk to my friend but she wasn't working so she didn't have my results and I didn't want to bother her on her day off. She was really nice though. Anyway, today the doctor that called Monday had the only late case and he sat down with me afterward. I had already decided that I am not going to do the amnio. At least not right now. He has told me the time to do the amnio was 16-17 weeks and that was one of my questions. Because I don't want to. I don't. I know it is the only way to know but I don't want to do. I knew this but we talked about it anyway and I asked the risks. Of course there some. I'm just not willing to accept those risks right now. Neither is Mike. So we came up with the plan that I will have my afp drawn at sixteen weeks as planned. Then we will do an anatomy scan at 18 weeks and we will see what we see. If we see problems there then we will do the amnio. He said 18 weeks should be sufficient but 16 would be too soon. I figured I would be able to keep my sanity long enough to survive to 20 weeks. But he said we will be able to see everything then. So there we are. We have a plan. I don't have to travel and stuck with a big needle. I had more questions about the trisomies and defects and survival rates and he had answers. They weren't good but he was able to tell me.

On a different note, I had a message to call to set up an interview for the job I applied for. I'm scared. I left her a message and I will call back tomorrow to set up an interview. Now I need get a real resume put together. I have really been struggling with that!

Oh

I got a call today that said private so I didn't answer. I applied for that job and I am all nervous about it. I want it but I don't want to leave my job. I want change but I don't. I don't usually answer private calls anyway. If they leave a message I will know. There was a message. It wasn't anything in the world to do with a job. It was the OB I saw at my last visit. He was calling with the results from my blood work that I completely forgot about. Completely. Why was he calling? My heart was pounding in my ears. I called the office back. They asked me if I was sure he was the one that called. YES! He is on his line, do you want to hold? Duh? I wait. I am just sick. Mike is sitting in a chair in the same room watching me. He comes on the line. Blah, blah, remember the test gives you odds not a diagnosis. Blah, blah. THE FUCKING DR CALLED. My odds compared to other women my age of having a baby were very low. Number is gone from my mind. Blah, blah. My odds compared to other women my age, based on my blood work, of having a baby with a trisomy were high. Huh? Blood pulsing in ears. Words still coming out of doctor's mouth. Tears coming. Any questions? I don't know what to ask yet I say. He tells me we can get an amnio but we can't do it here we have go out of town where they do the genetics. That is the only way we can know if we want to know and not wait and see. He said by our 20 week ultrasound we will be able to see if the baby has physical defects if we don't want to do the amnio. Are we going to do anything different? No. But I have to sleep at night. I looked up trisomy 13 & 18 after I got off the phone of course. Mike doesn't get any of this. They are horrible. I have cried a lot. Then some more. I had to go get Jake and took him to the doctor since he is sick again. We left and drove and I realized after more than ten minutes of driving I hadn't said anything to him while were in the car. I just drove deep in thought. That made me feel terrible. There is not much I can do about the baby but I still have a little boy that needs all I have to give and plus a whole lot more.

Appt #2

I must say that I didn't have high expectations for my appointment today. I was very fearful that I would not see a live baby today. I was extremely relieved to be wrong. I have continued to spot or bleed until this week actually. It wasn't all old blood either. Mike came today but he was late of course. Actually I went straight up from work and they called me in early for my ultrasound. Thankfully Mike was a little early or he would have missed it all. I wish he had been there for the first image to know things were fine the same time I did, but he was there shortly. We have just known that what is to be is to be so we have been just trying to not think about it a lot.

But the news was all good! The baby measures exactly on. The baby gave us quite a show when it woke up. It was jumping like a frog with its legs. The nuchal measurement was good. The nasal bone was there and my finger bleed like a stuck pig. I lost four pounds. Mike got to meet the new OB I have been working with as he was the one we saw. He told me I can take Motr.in for my headaches!!! I can take it for three days at a time for awhile. I have been having horrible, horrible headaches. He thinks they are atypical migraines and they are lasting for days. I get to take the Motr.in, a phenergan, and drink a regular pop and then I am supposed to try to do nothing but kick back and sleep. That sounds awesome right? In a perfect world. Yesterday was the third day of my horrible headache and I was on call. I couldn't take anything that would make me sleep. But by God, I am taking some tonight. My head feels stinking bruised.

He brought up two things that were not something I was expecting. Of course my being fat was brought into it. Because of my "size" he wants me to have monthly growth scans starting at 24!!!! weeks so I will have lots and lots of scans he said. He was pleased to see that I showed no signs of diabetes last time. As an American, I am fully aware of the epidemic of obesity and associated type II diabetes, but that doesn't mean it applies to me. It doesn't mean it doesn't and I realize things can change. However, it doesn't mean all chubbies are or will be diabetic. Anyway, I was shocked. He asked how big Jake was and I told him he was huge but I was in no way shape or form diabetic. My family (no diabetics) grow them big and cook them long! Anyway, I will be happy to get to see my baby. Getting the appointments will be torture, but what can I do? The other thing he asked about was if anyone had talked to me about a "vaginal bypass delivery." Huh?? Since I had such a physically traumatic delivery last time maybe we just "elect" to have a c-section. That had never, never crossed my mind -to say it was just too hard and I don't want to. I told him I just wanted to have a baby about two -three weeks earlier this time so it wasn't so big and it wouldn't be as much of a problem. He told me to think about it and we would talk about it again in the last month. I must say, I am not very open to the idea at the moment. I know if the baby is breech then I don't have a choice in the matter. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my mind around it right now.

I forgot to mention that I got rid of the entire collection of blood. There was nothing to worry about. The placenta looked firmly in place and really large actually, but there was no large blood collection under it. So hopefully there will be no more bleeding.

We were both able to have a huge sigh of relief and now the pregnancy is much more real to us both. We even got Jake to look at the pictures after a couple of tries. He said "it's a baby." Of course we had been talking about it and we talked about it again. He doesn't get it and he doesn't want to either.

This and that

We are still hanging in there. I am not feeling great but not nearly as sick as I was with Jake. I still take meds most days because the days I don't are miserable. I may not get sick but at think I might at any given moment. Of course, that can still happen when I do take the zof.ran but that seems to be more situational. I know my husband couldn't have changed the poopy diaper I changed today without getting sick. Most of what makes me sick is an occupational hazard. I see and smell and hear things that the average population does not. I have had very little cramping and spotting too so that makes me feel better. Two more weeks and we get to see the baby. I can't wait to see a real looking baby this time.

Things at work have been... interesting. We are the shortest staffed I remember being and we have had heavy schedules. Normally this is our "slow" time. If this is slow, we are freaking screwed! We do have three people currently in orientation so that is great, but. BUT the first one to be out of orientation is ready to have a baby any second. She is going to take 8 weeks and then she will have to have some reorientation when she comes back. Hopefully it won't take long. She is pretty much ready to be on her own now, but we count on her being here for the entire day today much less relying on her being here tomorrow or the next day. But at least there is an end in site. We have two other people that not going to be out of orientation until June and July. The girl I'm orienting may actually be ready early. She is doing so well. I feel bad for her because I am really crabby and seem to get irritated easily. I'm glad she got to know me this past summer during her internship and not just now. I'm not sure about the other person. She isn't as willing to seek out learning experiences. So, basically, we are down three RN's from where we used to be and we are replacing only two of them. That means life is hell for the rest of us. We have fewer people to take late shifts so each person has to work more. It also means we have to call off some of those shifts because we don't have enough people to start the day so you are more likely to have to stay late. It also means fewer people to share the weekend load and to take share the call load. It is awful and not good timing for me, who is so freaking tired right now. It is also putting me in more situations where I am required to do physical things I shouldn't be doing while pregnant.

So this is also creating an added stress to my marriage. Mike is still having to stay home when I am and call. It has increased from 5 times in eight weeks to once a week and that is a BIG problem for him. It also means lost income. We have a potential lead on a high school age babysitter that may be able to stay with us overnight. My mom will also be transferring prisons soon and will be living and working in the same town. And that is only 30 miles away. She has said she can come stay with us during the week and on Sundays now when I am on call. Yes, she drives me nuts but that would be such a huge help. There just always ends up being a problem because eventually her personality gets in the way.

That brings to something else interesting. A month ago I was asked if I would be interested in a job in a doctor's office. The doctor is supposed to come the middle of March so it isn't anyone I have meet or know at all. Monday through Friday job. Eight thirty to five thirty job. HELLO!! This is exactly what I want, right? Yes, and no. The doctor is a physiatrist which is a kind of doctor I have seen not worked with. He is planning on being very busy and doing lots of procedures and actually, even some surgeries. Plus then there is the actual office work. I don't know anything about office work. Doesn't mean I can't learn it all. I may not know the specifics about the procedures yet, but I know that I can do. That is actually why they want an RN. There aren't very many office jobs for RNs which brings us to the primary problem. Pay. I have no idea what the pay cut will be. It doesn't mean I won't apply, once the job is actually posted. It is a friend that works in the same office that told me about this. This doctor is being brought in to better meet the needs of patients her surgeon sees. That surgeon is insanely busy and the new doctor will do some of the studies he currently has to try to fit in because no one else does them. I can see how great it will be for their office. I would actually get to share an office with her even. She knows all about the job and she has influence over who gets hired (her doctor does and he will say whatever she tells him to say). But she is not privy to anything about salary and is concerned that it will be a significant pay cut. There is the biggest problem. The one thing that might really stand in the way. If Mike doesn't have to stay home that will mean less income lost but I am thinking it is probably more like twenty plus thousand dollar pay cut. I hope I am wrong. I just currently make a lot more than just straight pay with overtime, call pay, clinical ladder (added income for all the things you do have done above and beyond), and as a service coordinator. I don't think Mike understands that. I have run numbers with him and he doesn't get it. And of course, we are adding another member to our household so that isn't the best time have a dramatic income decrease.

I have some other concerns that are benefit related that human resources should be able to answer for me but I don't want to put the cart before the horse. This office is part of the hospital system so I will still be under the same highest management but not a hospital employee. So naturally, as someone who is looking to have time off in the not so distant future, I want to make sure my EIBs and PTOs transfer across. I was planning on taking every last second I could off at my current job. I think I would be able to have enough time for 12 weeks. But if I change jobs now? I can't afford to be off without pay. I also have some concerns about how hard it would be for the office for me to be off for 12 weeks. I know that is what the law allows, but I'm sure that would be a problem. Obviously my friend knows and so does the doctor she works for that I am pregnant and don't have a problem with that and me being in the job.

I am also having huge mixed emotions about my job. I do like what I do. It certainly has its problems. But I really like MOST of the doctors I work with. I have put an enormous amount of time, work, and energy into what I do. I do like most of the people I work with. My unit manager has really made efforts to change and we can all tell. Those of us that know how things can be are waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she is doing so much better. I would feel so bad for leaving my coworkers even shorter than they already are. If I get hired for this other job I would have to give four weeks notice. Those would be the most miserable four weeks in my life I'm sure. I could take it, I know. But it really leaves everyone else in a pickle. But it is the late shifts and the call that are really driving me to need to leave for my family. This is huge with my husband. I just don't know. I guess I can't worry about it until I can actually apply for the job and interview and hear the numbers. I'm also afraid that we would have to change daycares if I change jobs, but I'm not even going there right now.

So, on a completely different note! Mike and Jake had a little man to man talk last night. It kills me that Daddy is able to have these talks with Jake and he listens to him!!! I might have to be the enforcer but Daddy can set down the law and he listens. Anyway, the discussion was that Jacob would sleep in his bed the whole night or if he got up like he always does, he would sleep in a sleeping bag on our bedroom floor and not in bed with us. I tried this the night before and it went over in a huge fit, but last night after their talk it worked. He whined a little but he climbed in the sleeping bag and slept there the rest of the night! I couldn't believe it. One step closer to sleeping in his own bed the whole night. It was awesome. Of course, Mike slept through the whole thing. It I wasn't so tired right now, I probably wouldn't have been ably to go back to sleep because I was so excited.

First real appointment

So the appointment went okay. Good news but not super good news. I forgot how much fun OB visit are! Wait. Wait. Wait. Get on a scale. Pee. Wait. Then the good stuff - paper work followed by a pap and std swabs! Of course this process was so much more painful because of the migraine I have today. I haven't had a really bad migraine in awhile. I get them once in awhile but they are thankfully dulled by medicine. Today, there was nothing. At least not until after the visit was finally over because she did give me a prescription for a little something that has helped some. Anyway, my doctor down played the spotting and cramping. She said it is common but I feel so crappy so that is good. She also said that the outside of my cervix was very fragile it started bleeding when she touched it. She said my uterus was nice and big but did want me to have an ultrasound today for my piece of mind. I heard how busy the sonographers were while I was waiting the first time so I knew I was in for a wait. That's fine. So she had them squeeze me between appointments and I only had to wait like another fifteen minutes or so in the waiting room. The waiting room was at least a little quieter by then since my head was throbbing.

So there was one little baby blob and I could see the little heart flutter right away. Very comforting. But there was was this big area that she kept looking at. Unless I am looking at a baby, I don't know what the hell I am seeing. I thought it was my bladder but it wasn't. It was a big collection of blood behind the placenta. So then I had to wait longer to see the doctor again because the sonographer said I really needed to see her again. That is what made me freak. So another wait, but at least this time I got to go into a quite and dark room. It was a procedure room filled with devices of torture but I recognized all of them so I wasn't too worried. Anyway, she came in an told me that this blood happens a lot and isn't usually a problem. She said the baby looks good. She said we will continue to monitor it and that I will probably bleed more. Can't wait. So we just keep going one day at a time like always!

Anyway, the baby had a nice heartbeat of 167 and measured right on. We have our next ultrasound in four weeks. I have bad nausea but don't vomit much. Zo.fran helps a ton. I have no energy but don't nap a lot.

On another subject, I have been thinking of figuring out how to have my blog password protected. It hasn't been an issue until just recently. It is a quiet little blog where I can express myself. I am used to having the occasional stray visitor but something has changed. I have had more hit this year so far than I did all of last year. That wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't keep getting really strange emails and comments that don't mean anything at all. I like to drop in on blogs that are new to me every now and again so it is nice to have access. But getting harassing emails and weird comments gives me the creeps. I realize I have been sharing my private thoughts and feelings with the whole world, but the whole world hasn't noticed so it hasn't been a problem.

scared

cramping and spotting today. appointment tomorrow. wait

What the hell do I know?

So instead of going in and having an ultrasound and biopsy and walking out with a prescription for clom.id I went in peed in a cup and walked out with a prescription for prenatal vitamins and giant folder filled with pregnancy information. So it wasn't a surprise. We had figured it out the weekend before but it was still a shock. We also chucked out the fancy ovulation predictor thing too. We are a bit surprised. I was hoping to keep it to myself for a bit longer but I started throwing up last week. I am reluctant, so I was hoping to wait until my first ultrasound to share the news with everyone. I don't have to be reminded how old I am and how my eggs aren't the greatest any more. I am tired and just feel like barfing all the time even if I'm not throwing up anywhere near as much as I did last time. I have my first OB appointment on the tenth or eleventh. I tried to schedule my next appointment and ultrasound when I scheduled that appointment but the wouldn't let me. I forgot what a nightmare it was scheduling OB appointments around my work schedule.

I am so tired. I had work for only four hours yesterday and I came home and Mike let me sleep for four hours. I've had a really bad cold and that hasn't helped. I've just been pretty miserable for about ten days and it is hard for me to tell what symptoms belong to what. One thing is weird, my nose is plugged but my sense of smell has still gone crazy. Another thing is that my uterus has been so noticeable already. I don't remember that from Jake. I mean it feels like there is a big hard grapefruit in my pelvis. It is especially noticeable when I lay down or if my bladder gets full it is painful. I don't know. I am just not ready to get too excited yet. I'm just waiting for an ultrasound.

What do you think?

We had a subscription to this allergy magazine and I didn't renew it several issues ago. It is a good magazine, but it seems to me they devote more than half of it to Celiac disease. They have really good articles but the recipes make me scratch my head sometimes. I mean they contain so many of the top allergens. Anyway, there was an article about service dogs. There are a couple of places that train dogs to sniff for peanuts. So how crazy is it for me to be seriously considering this? These dogs are so good at this that they can identify books in the library that have been handled by someone that touched peanuts. This would make me feel so much better about sending my child to school. This would totally get my son's ass kicked. Not even mentioning that he is currently allergic to dogs. The waiting list is very long and the dogs are very expensive. One of the two places that happens to train the dogs is actually in Colorado so it isn't even very far away. My husband rolls his eyes, but I don't want my son to die. Am I going overboard? The wait is years. The current cost to train a dog is ten thousand. I know there are children that successfully live with this allergy everyday. I also have seen numbers on how many die and how people don't understand the seriousness of allergies. I don't know how we will be able to send him to play at some one's house. With a dog, you can just do a little once over and know if he can't be there. Peace of mind. An easy to my anxiety. But is it nuts?

Struggling

So this week I did finally fall apart on someone when I was asked when I was going to have another baby. I was already having a difficult day but it was more than I could handle. I burst into tears. I don't remember ever asking anyone that. Do people not realize that in the first place it is none of their damn business??? Let alone that that is kind of very personal? I've had a really hard time coping this week. I just don't know how to handle people. I recently got mad at a friend for bringing up my issues. I don't discuss what is happening with my body its issues with anyone. Not friends or family. People know that I want another child but I don't want to share my issues with them. I have a friend that I know has problems and I listen whenever she needs to talk but I never pester her for "updates." It isn't my business unless she wants to tell me. I think that makes it easier to talk to me when she feels she needs to.

I'm really down and it makes me sad for Jake. I'm trying really hard to give him everything he needs but I'm having a hard time not just laying in a lump in bed or on the couch. I don't want to function the past few days. A lot of crying. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just depressed and truly having trouble doing what needs to be done. I truly came to the realization this week that having one child doesn't make it easier when you want a baby. "At least you have one..." doesn't help. Sure, that child may help keep you busy, but it might almost make the pain worse because you know the love. I feel like I'm doing Jake a disservice. I know I'm being a baby. I know that we were hoping the fertility Gods would look down on us and that January would be the month. I know January isn't over and all, but if I have yet to ovulate since I went off the pill that things aren't looking good. I know I have an appointment not this coming week but the following week for an ultrasound and biopsy of my uterus (not looking forward to that). I know that we will figure out a plan with that. It just sucks. I truly have no energy. I don't sleep well. I am so tired but can't get to sleep and it is so hard to force myself out of bed in the morning. I just don't think my thyroid is off enough to be making me feel this crummy. I don't think it is depression either. I don't know. I will just keep working to make it through each day at a time. I just feel like I have been doing that for so long.

I do get to meet the area's closet RE next week. He happens to be giving a presentation to health care professionals on infertility testing and treatment. He is from about 150 miles away. But he isn't who the OBs refer to. They refer people to a much larger group farther away. That would be a problem for us. Having to go see this doctor would be a problem for us with both our jobs. Mike has no sort of schedule at all and going out of town at all is problem. I know what a struggle it has been to get to the stinking allergist! I just hope the doctor here can help me. I know I am going to have to be using my connections already. Thank goodness I have them I guess. I just don't want to abuse it.

It is occurring to me that it is 2:32 now and I have been up since before 6:30. I have not eaten today. I had some coffee this morning when Jake had breakfast. I suppose I should eat something. It doesn't occur to me to eat when Jake eats because he eats so often.

Happy New Year!

2010 Wow! 2010 already? Time is going so fast! I guess I'm glad to have the holidays done again for another year. We had a good season except that we couldn't make it to be with my family when I actually had the time off work. I guess it wasn't meant to be. We got to be with Mike at least. He came home in the wee hours of Christmas Eve morning and didn't end up going back to work until the 27th I think. It was nice. It was relaxed. The weather was so horrible that no one did anything or went anywhere out in the world. It made it easier to not be off with my family.

Jake was so much fun. We had already opened our presents (and mine had been returned because my husband never listens to me) since Jake and I were supposed to be gone. So Jake got to be the only one and he just had so much fun. He still doesn't get Santa. I mean he saw Santa a few times and can tell us what he got from Santa, but he is too young to wake up super early to see what Santa brought. Actually, he slept until 7 and we were able to let Daddy sleep until 8. He was very excited about his gifts. Santa brought him Handy Manny and his tools and then Manny's tool set also. Oh my goodness. Manny goes with us everywhere. He sleeps with hard plastic Manny. Of course Manny talks so we hear him in the middle of the night. He even calls all the tools by there names. Manny gets his own chair at the table for dinner time even. Thankfully, he hasn't thought of bath time - at least not yet! We've had trains, tools and cars all over our house since Christmas and we don't even mind. He cleans up every night, but he still wants to play with each of his new toys every day.

The best is bedtime though. We rearranged Jake's room to accommodate a new train table and we made a huge deal about his bed. It is still his crib converted to a toddler bed. We haven't manage a twin bed yet. But we have finally been able to get him to walk to his bed and get in it and go to sleep every night since last weekend. That is HUGE. He made it until 6 one morning even. The other nights he comes to our door crying and I let him get in bed then. The earliest that happened was 2, it is usually more like 4 and since my alarm goes off a few minutes before 5 I don't want to fight with making him go back to sleep in his own bed for that short time. Well, not yet anyway. We are very excited about this. He did really well with the potty while we were off too. He doesn't do very well with daycare yet. I think he is just still too busy playing to want to spend the time sitting on the potty. But since it is going fairly well at home they started stepping it up this week. I mean we aren't there at all but he usually doesn't fight with me when I want him to sit on the potty, but he only occasionally tells us when he needs the potty. We will get there. I know he isn't two and half yet, but I am kind of ready to be done with all the darn diapers. I'd much rather be starting a supply of the smaller sizes!

I finally went and got my lab work done yesterday. It looks kind of like what the doctor was guessing. I mean we still have to do the ultrasound and biopsy but it looks like it might not be to terrible. I don't know that for sure yet. I didn't get to talk to her, but I got the numbers. Nothing was truly abnormal but there were some key fringes. My thyroid is still working but it is only a tenth off the cut off. My prolactin was still normal but it was a point below the top. My hemoglobin and hematacrit are hovering at the bottom from Aunt Flo's terrible visits. So we wills see what we get from the rest of the tests later this month but it looks like a little work with the thyroid might help the prolactin come down a little. A bump with the thyroid would help get some energy and get a few pounds off and drop the estrogen levels a little and then I might just ovulate, since I'm not. Clomid or no Clomid? She was leaning towards it the last time we talked. The best things was that I passed the glucose tolerance test with flying colors. There isn't any diabetes in my family, which is surprising since I come from fatties but there isn't (yet). She was concerned about PCOS with my problems but the glucose test going so well makes that seem less likely. I was just really afraid about that. I am not ready to deal with a diagnosis of type II diabetes! But I guess it is better to deal with it than have it and not! I worry about that with Mike. He doesn't really have any strong symptoms, but he is more than a couple pounds overweight and so many people in his family have it. I think his sister was diagnosed in her early to mid twenties. So anyway, I was really worried what the labs would (or wouldn't) show and it turned out pretty well.