Struggling

Last week was very difficult and it doesn't feel like it has ended. I had to work the weekend and I need a break. I need a reset. I am getting really tired and emotional and I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of this darn week. We got our news from the doctor. We have all been really sick. We got blindsided from our accountant on our taxes. We were expecting a check but instead we have to write a huge one and a big one. We don't have that money in our pockets right now. I had to work very late Friday. Saturday wasn't too bad at work but we discovered that there was a long list of debits from our checking account that were nothing we had seen before. We tried calling the numbers that were available to us but we couldn't get anyone. We haven't slept well all week but I tell you Saturday was probably the worst. I got up early Sunday because I was on call and needed to be showered and ready for a trip to work. I started calling the numbers again. On the second call I was able to figure out that it was Mike's number that was stolen. Sorry honey, but that was good new to me. We still don't know how this will end but my credit score is much, much better than Mike's and so if any one's score gets worse it should be his. So we discovered that people were very amazingly helpful. The day was beautiful and I got to stay home so long.

I got to take Jake to a birthday party. It was only his second one, but it was the first time he got to have cake and ice cream. I was excited. I didn't even tell him about it until that morning. He actually took his nap and was ready to go. It went pretty well. He was the youngest one there. All the kids are from his daycare. He was the youngest though and it was obvious. He was also the only boy besides the birthday boy. It was challenging. They still struggled with the presents being Collin's and not theirs. It was hardest with the two boys. I was embarrassed but the parents kept saying it was fine. Jake cried and got upset about a car that was like one of his. I almost took him home but we recovered. He ate his first real birthday cake just as he should. He ate all the frosting and didn't touch the cake. It was red frosting too. It enjoyed watching it tremendously.

We got home and were just settling in when the call came. 1712 the call came to go in for a laceration. That isn't bad at all. But when we were finishing the laceration we hear about the appy. When we are getting that patient from the ED we hear the helicopter went out to pick someone up. So by the time we have taken the appy to the recovery room we are hearing there is a trauma patient arriving by air in 6 minutes. We haven't eaten and there is nothing available to us in the hospital and we can't go anywhere because of the trauma. We don't have time to order delivery. Mike used to bring us stuff in the days before there was a little person to have worry about. Well, my scrub snuck out and was gone less than fifteen minutes to get us food. We were able to eat and recover before the initial trauma assessment was done and then had to wait for the next line of doctors. Then we had to do the surgery. Oh and then you have to clean up. So it was two in the morning before we are getting to leave. We both had to be back to work at 6:30 and we didn't get to leave until 2. I am still tired.

Today was hard because I am crabby from still being tired. I also am having a hard time not thinking and worrying today. I know there is nothing I can do. We have what we have. I've decided that I'm not ready to know because I'm not ready to deal with anything but normal. I'm not. I don't know what we will do. How we can handle it. Mike mentioned another baby if things don't go well and I just can't comprehend doing this again. Then I think about how sad it makes to think of not getting to go through the joy and exhaustion of a baby again. I just don't know. Everything has to be fine because I don't think I'm strong enough to get through this if it isn't - not just the next 6 months but the next 6 years. I'm ready for a giant margarita and a whole bottle of antidepressants. (I know they don't mix, but come on).

Okay, I'm just ready for the week that hasn't ended to be over.