Struggling

So this week I did finally fall apart on someone when I was asked when I was going to have another baby. I was already having a difficult day but it was more than I could handle. I burst into tears. I don't remember ever asking anyone that. Do people not realize that in the first place it is none of their damn business??? Let alone that that is kind of very personal? I've had a really hard time coping this week. I just don't know how to handle people. I recently got mad at a friend for bringing up my issues. I don't discuss what is happening with my body its issues with anyone. Not friends or family. People know that I want another child but I don't want to share my issues with them. I have a friend that I know has problems and I listen whenever she needs to talk but I never pester her for "updates." It isn't my business unless she wants to tell me. I think that makes it easier to talk to me when she feels she needs to.

I'm really down and it makes me sad for Jake. I'm trying really hard to give him everything he needs but I'm having a hard time not just laying in a lump in bed or on the couch. I don't want to function the past few days. A lot of crying. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just depressed and truly having trouble doing what needs to be done. I truly came to the realization this week that having one child doesn't make it easier when you want a baby. "At least you have one..." doesn't help. Sure, that child may help keep you busy, but it might almost make the pain worse because you know the love. I feel like I'm doing Jake a disservice. I know I'm being a baby. I know that we were hoping the fertility Gods would look down on us and that January would be the month. I know January isn't over and all, but if I have yet to ovulate since I went off the pill that things aren't looking good. I know I have an appointment not this coming week but the following week for an ultrasound and biopsy of my uterus (not looking forward to that). I know that we will figure out a plan with that. It just sucks. I truly have no energy. I don't sleep well. I am so tired but can't get to sleep and it is so hard to force myself out of bed in the morning. I just don't think my thyroid is off enough to be making me feel this crummy. I don't think it is depression either. I don't know. I will just keep working to make it through each day at a time. I just feel like I have been doing that for so long.

I do get to meet the area's closet RE next week. He happens to be giving a presentation to health care professionals on infertility testing and treatment. He is from about 150 miles away. But he isn't who the OBs refer to. They refer people to a much larger group farther away. That would be a problem for us. Having to go see this doctor would be a problem for us with both our jobs. Mike has no sort of schedule at all and going out of town at all is problem. I know what a struggle it has been to get to the stinking allergist! I just hope the doctor here can help me. I know I am going to have to be using my connections already. Thank goodness I have them I guess. I just don't want to abuse it.

It is occurring to me that it is 2:32 now and I have been up since before 6:30. I have not eaten today. I had some coffee this morning when Jake had breakfast. I suppose I should eat something. It doesn't occur to me to eat when Jake eats because he eats so often.