I can't seem to get enough sleep these days. I get tired so easily and many more things are becoming difficult to do. I still have over six weeks to go and I am wondering how I am going to function by the end of it. I guess I can only take it one day at a time. Jake already feels like he is huge and I know he will be putting on a lot of weight over then next weeks. It frequently feels like he is stretching everything all at once trying to make more room for himself. At those moments it is hard to sit, stand, lay, walk, move, or even breathe. Other people really point out his moving to me now because they can see it so well through our tissue paper scrub shirts. Like I didn't notice that he just slammed a foot up into my ribs and fist into my groin.

Our fourth didn't go as well as I had wanted it to this year. Mike and I spent most of the day not talking to each other. I know what is happening with his job has him really upset right now and I have tried really hard to cut him a lot of slack. It is just driving me nuts that he isn't getting anything done. He certainly has the time. I am frustrated with everything. With his job, my job, this house, my body, the heat. When I get frustrated I tend to cry rather than scream and yell. Neither thing seems to accomplish me anything, but at least if I'm not yelling then I don't say something I can't ever take back. Mike hates it when I cry. It makes him mad. I don't know what to do. I try to talk to him but he can't just talk right now. His voice seems to get louder and louder and I don't do well with yelling. I really wish I could get him to go to a doctor. I think the stress and frustration with his job and having a pregnant wife has taken a toll on him. I think he would really benefit from some antidepressants, but he see things like that. We have been together for over eight and half years and I have seen him go through several depressions that I know could have really been helped. He tried to stop smoking using welbutrin one time and it really really helped his over all personality. He seems to be pissed off at something or someone all the time and for once that was better. As much as I would like to slip him some pills, I can't do that. The sad thing is that he even admitted it at the time how much better he felt overall when he took the medicine. When I mentioned that to him another time when I was trying to encourage him to get some help, he seemed to think it was the hardly smoking at all that was making him feel better. Okay, if that was it then quit smoking and we get the best of both!!!

Well, I got off track a little. My intention on writing this morning was my shower dilemma. I have really been toiling on whether I should agree to any shower(s) or not. I am supposed to decided while my friend is living it up in Hawaii right now. My work life would be so much easier if I worked primarily with men!!! I have many articles about how workplaces, specifically talking about operating room, are like giant dysfunctional families. We work very closely together. We work long, long hours, literally locked in together. I know that most jobs are stressful. If there is one out there that isn't, please tell me what it is! Our situation is just a little different than most work environments. Anyway, stress brings out different things in each of us. It shows the best in some people and the ugliest in others. It just seems like I see a lot of ugly. I can't have a shower and just invite the people that are my friends. I have to invite the uglies too. I can't have two different showers where you invite everyone to one and then have a second one where you invite your work friends and non work friends. At least I can't do that and be able to survive at my job. Silly me for thinking I could do that last year when I got married. I had an incredible shower that was specifically for everyone I work with. Then I had a shower that was for my girlfriends. It just so happens that over the years some of the women I work with have become my good girlfriends. Well, apparently one of my friends said something about what happened at the shower with my girlfriends and then all these people were mad at me because they weren't invited too. Some of these people were nasty to me for three months. There were people, who obviously weren't good friends, that wouldn't even talk to me for weeks. One, I didn't actually make the guest list, and two people who weren't invited weren't my good friends. My charge nurse was NASTY to me until this April when I got the Bell's Palsy. That was almost 10 months since the shower was held.

Anyway, I had been leaning against the shower because I have already heard little nasty whispers at work about someone having a shower for me. One person was bitched about it at the lunch table. It isn't fair that my friend have a shower for me when no one had a shower for last year. Okay, we didn't have a shower for her. She started working in our department when she was already 7 months pregnant with her third child. I "celebrated" my eighth anniversary at my job yesterday. Like I said I have been thinking that I don't want a shower. If someone cares enough about us to give us a gift then we will graciously accept it. Then people get me feeling bad by saying that I deserve a shower and carry on. It just makes my husband furious, but he says I shouldn't let the people at work bother me. He is right I shouldn't, but he didn't have to go to my job and be treated the way I was for months. It was even brought up in my annual review by the director!!!!

So a potential solution has surfaced. My MIL and SIL have asked me if they can throw a shower for me. I just have to invite all the people. I could slap up an invitation on the board at work and be done with it. Then no one else at work gets sucked into it. I don't have to risk my friend taking any heat over it. It is more removed. People can come or not. They can rip the damn invitation down if they want, whatever. However, I still have some reservations with this. One my SIL that has the entire summer off because she is a school teacher has too busy to be able to have the shower until August 11th. Yikes, that is cutting it close. I doubt I will have had him by then, but that is close and I am concerned about how I will be doing by then. I am still a prime candidate for PIH and bed rest. Second, I like these people very much but they aren't very reliable. They did have a shower for me last year that they managed to pull off, however, it was one where people come and order things for me and themselves and then I am supposed to benefit from their purchases as well, right. I get even more stuff. That isn't quite how they did it. My friends came and bought me stuff and stuff for themselves. Then my SIL and MIL only gave me 1/3 of the hostess benefits and used a third for each of themselves. I was alright with this. I didn't know that was how it was going to be until the day it happened, but my friends were NOT happy. I didn't like the whole concept very much to begin with. It really felt like you were putting a lot of pressure on your guests and I didn't like that. But these people were nice enough to want to host a shower for me and this is Mike's family so I did it. I'm just not so sure about it this time. Mike feels like he gets put in the middle and I certainly don't want to do that especially right now.