Torn

I applied for the different job right? It took a bit to hear back and the HR lady wanted to talk to me. She left a message to set up 'a time to talk.' I thought that meant an interview but apparently I was wrong. I talked to her. She talked to the doctor and called me back and told me they weren't interested in me at that moment. The doctor really wanted someone with experience with patients with chronic pain. I was a bit surprised but was totally fine with it. I figured that meant I was supposed to stay at my job. I don't have any experience working in a clinic and that only worries me a little. I am certain that is something I can learn. I do have lots of experience doing procedures (duh) which this doctor is supposed to do by the dozens. Whatever. I mean I was asked by the people that brought this doctor here to apply, but whatever. My friend that was the one that asked me of course asked me if I had had an interview yet. I told her, funny story, they told me they aren't interested in me and what this lady said. Her face turned beet red and she stormed off muttering under her breath. So I thought I might be getting another call. Several days went by and I thought okay whatever. Then a week, then two and I pretty much forgot and moved on.

So last Thursday I was on call and I thought nothing of it when my phone rang and it was the hospital number. I was attempting to unload Jake from the car as I answered the call. I was surprised when I was getting a call to see if I was still interested in the job and to set up an interview. They wanted to interview me the next day. I had an OB appointment the next day so that was not even close to a possibility. I'm trying to juggle Jake and dig around to find my next schedule for the next week. It felt so professional and all but I was exactly expecting the call so I wasn't prepared. We set up an interview for this past Monday. It was at 3:30 and I told her that there was a chance I wouldn't be able to get out of work in time. Thankfully I was able to. I was a nervous wreck. I had a bit of time after I got to building where the interview was held so I stopped and went to the bathroom. Of course I splashed water all over my shirt when I washed my hands! I got there and I waited and I waited. She had told me there would be a panel of four interviewing me so I made five resumes just in case (let me tell you that was a horrible feat in and of itself!). Of course there ended up being five women. I only knew one of them and thank goodness she at least was friendly. Our hospital, which apparently includes the clinic uses this interviewing method. I know it has a name but I couldn't tell you what it is. I have seen many many many of the questions myself. I have reviewed them on a committee and I took part in lots and lots of interviews when I was on the staffing committee. We however, rarely used them because my director didn't like them. The questions are kind of strange and sort of apply. I mean they are supposed to tell you how a person thinks but they aren't telling you about a person's skills related to the job. Whatever. I came up with an answer for everything. I didn't know how it went. Not as great as I might have liked. Each person got to ask me a series of questions so it was long. Then they ushered me out and made me sit while they talked about for a good twenty minutes. Talk about nerve wracking! Then a couple of them (the one that would be my boss who has to be close to 10 years younger than me and the HR person) took me to meet the doctor and to see the office. I actually hadn't ever been to the office because they moved not too long ago to have space for this doctor.

The doctor seemed very nice. The office surprised me a little. For some reason I assumed it had been remodeled before they moved in so I surprised to see how dated it is. This office has the two doctors that make the most money for the hospital in it. I just thought it would be a bit more. However, both of those doctors are hardly ever there because they are in the hospital doing procedures. They both have nurse practitioners that are crazy busy seeing the patients. I know both them pretty well. I have worked with one since I started in surgery. She was a scrub there going to school. I helped orient her for the brief time she had the same job I have. Then I continued to work with her until she took the job she has now. The other one I know pretty well and her nurse worked down with us too before she went to be her nurse. Of course, my friend is the neurosurgeon's nurse. So there would be lots of people that know me and I them so that would make things easier right?

I had a message last evening that they would like to talk to me about the job. I am really sad I missed the call. I have a lot to think about. I don't want to leave but my job is so stressful. Not that the new one wouldn't be. It presents its own problems or bag of worms. I have more questions for them now that I have had more time to think. I feel like I would be abandoning those I DO love and letting down the doctors I specialize with. Actually, I had a huge meltdown at my OB appointment that Friday and I talked about it with the doctor. He kept telling me that I need to what is best for me and my family, but then he brought up what about him a few times. Who would help him? I really and truly don't know. If it was their office the job was with I would be sprinting out, without looking back. Okay, maybe that isn't quite true, but close. My ideal job is to work for them. But anyway, I would miss them so much. Women's health is really what I want to do, not pain management. I'm sure I can do it but there will be a lot of learning for me. A lot. I have to answer patient calls right and I don't know what the answers are. That is probably the thing that concerns me the most.

Anyway, I wish I had gotten call because I don't know what they can offer me for income. Of course, that is big deal. The biggest deal and could in fact end this difficult decision for me right on the spot. If the job is a possibility, I can't make a decision until after my appointment Wednesday. Wednesday is our anatomy scan. If there is a problem, I won't go. I can't start a new job when I may need to take a leave of absence. We are living right now assuming the odds are not us, that our baby is fine. But, if it isn't... If the baby dies before delivery or at birth I am taking as much f***ing time off as I need. They can freaking fire me if they don't like it. If the baby has problems but they aren't severe enough to be fatal at birth I will probably have to take an extended leave to care for the baby until it does die. Or if the baby does have problems but is one of the rare few that live past one year, I will have to quit my job to care for my child. So more waiting, more thinking (things are worse at work than they have ever, ever been), and not a lot of sleeping.