And so it goes

I keep trying to sit down and write a post but I just can't seem to do it. I would love to just carry on about Jake because he is doing so well, but that isn't what is consuming my mind these days. I am horribly stressed with work, both mine and Mike's. It seems as though we are circling the the drain and there isn't much we can do.

Mike is now five people from having to go to Wyoming to work. That would be horrible, scratch that, that WILL be horrible. What it means is that he will have to go to the next leg of their trip instead of his normal one. It is the final or initial step for the trains. It is taking the trains to and from the mine. He actually does that a lot now but then he brings the train home. He would have to live up there. His plan is to get a topper for his truck and when he can't drive home he will sleep in his truck. He can't find a reasonable topper anywhere near us. It isn't like he has set hours or days so we can plan on him being gone so long and home so long. It is going to be awful. Five more people get laid off and he goes. What is worse is that once he leaves, it is only the ticking of the clock before he gets laid off. He has been there more than five years! When the layoffs started he kept telling me not to worry because there were so many people behind him on his local board. Well they have laid off about 200 people that were behind him on the board. There are less than fifty left behind him... Companies are needing the coal. They are using their reserves. It can't go on forever, but will we survive the cut? Probably not. He has our health insurance. He has an outstanding retirement that will be gone. Gone.

My job is sucking ass. The environment is hell. Everyone is miserable. Our new boss doesn't give a shit about people. That isn't her job. Her job is to shape things up and trim the fat. I was off yesterday (without pay) because we didn't have enough work. I needed a mental health day though. It is scary. Everyone has the claws out. My charge nurse was gone for about the first two and a half weeks the new director was here. I had to be the charge nurse for three of the days she was gone. I hated it. HATED IT. Someone almost got fired for an error while I was on duty and I had to defend the person. It was the charge nurse's pet. I don't like her personally, but more importantly I am not comfortable with her work. But there was no way in hell I was going to be the one in charge when she got the boot. My life would have been HELL!!!! For the current volumes we are doing, we probably four too many nurses. So... Right now we are all having to go home early or stay home. Summers are always worse because doctors take vacations and will be gone a week here and a week there. Thankfully, nurses take vacations too so that will help a little.

Anyway, I'm not sleeping well. I'm worrying constantly. I have to watch my back every single move I make. Our jobs won't be based on seniority like Mike's. Ours will be the first, the second, etc to screw up. So all the worrying doesn't help one's performance. I mean you get paranoid and shaky. You question yourself and that isn't good. We need to just be able to do. But no, now it is "did I dot that i, did I cross that t?" I mean everything is important but you should have to triple guess yourself.

The worst part of this personally is that we have been talking about starting to try for another baby sooner rather than later. At the moment, we aren't sure it about holding Jake back a year to start school. That is a long way off but he is doing better developmentally than lots of the kids in his room that are six months older. He is doing well socially as well. But we still don't know how he will be when it actually comes to the time to make that decision. We can't have another baby now. We won't be able to get the hospital insurance until November. But that aside, we won't be able to afford another child on just my income. We may have to move. Who knows what we will find for work. I have been glancing around and everyone is tightened down right now. The job market is horrendous around here for Mike. I mean, 200 people have been laid off a head of him. They are all looking for jobs! Nothing will pay as well of have the benefits. Hopefully something else would have better hours, but... Anyway, we may have to put off another baby. We may not be able to have another baby. This is upsetting me very much right now. I mean, if I can't get pregnant that is one thing, but if it is because of the damn economy I am going to be mad my entire life.

Hopefully I can get a happier post with pictures of Jake out in a few days.