Struggling

Last week was very difficult and it doesn't feel like it has ended. I had to work the weekend and I need a break. I need a reset. I am getting really tired and emotional and I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of this darn week. We got our news from the doctor. We have all been really sick. We got blindsided from our accountant on our taxes. We were expecting a check but instead we have to write a huge one and a big one. We don't have that money in our pockets right now. I had to work very late Friday. Saturday wasn't too bad at work but we discovered that there was a long list of debits from our checking account that were nothing we had seen before. We tried calling the numbers that were available to us but we couldn't get anyone. We haven't slept well all week but I tell you Saturday was probably the worst. I got up early Sunday because I was on call and needed to be showered and ready for a trip to work. I started calling the numbers again. On the second call I was able to figure out that it was Mike's number that was stolen. Sorry honey, but that was good new to me. We still don't know how this will end but my credit score is much, much better than Mike's and so if any one's score gets worse it should be his. So we discovered that people were very amazingly helpful. The day was beautiful and I got to stay home so long.

I got to take Jake to a birthday party. It was only his second one, but it was the first time he got to have cake and ice cream. I was excited. I didn't even tell him about it until that morning. He actually took his nap and was ready to go. It went pretty well. He was the youngest one there. All the kids are from his daycare. He was the youngest though and it was obvious. He was also the only boy besides the birthday boy. It was challenging. They still struggled with the presents being Collin's and not theirs. It was hardest with the two boys. I was embarrassed but the parents kept saying it was fine. Jake cried and got upset about a car that was like one of his. I almost took him home but we recovered. He ate his first real birthday cake just as he should. He ate all the frosting and didn't touch the cake. It was red frosting too. It enjoyed watching it tremendously.

We got home and were just settling in when the call came. 1712 the call came to go in for a laceration. That isn't bad at all. But when we were finishing the laceration we hear about the appy. When we are getting that patient from the ED we hear the helicopter went out to pick someone up. So by the time we have taken the appy to the recovery room we are hearing there is a trauma patient arriving by air in 6 minutes. We haven't eaten and there is nothing available to us in the hospital and we can't go anywhere because of the trauma. We don't have time to order delivery. Mike used to bring us stuff in the days before there was a little person to have worry about. Well, my scrub snuck out and was gone less than fifteen minutes to get us food. We were able to eat and recover before the initial trauma assessment was done and then had to wait for the next line of doctors. Then we had to do the surgery. Oh and then you have to clean up. So it was two in the morning before we are getting to leave. We both had to be back to work at 6:30 and we didn't get to leave until 2. I am still tired.

Today was hard because I am crabby from still being tired. I also am having a hard time not thinking and worrying today. I know there is nothing I can do. We have what we have. I've decided that I'm not ready to know because I'm not ready to deal with anything but normal. I'm not. I don't know what we will do. How we can handle it. Mike mentioned another baby if things don't go well and I just can't comprehend doing this again. Then I think about how sad it makes to think of not getting to go through the joy and exhaustion of a baby again. I just don't know. Everything has to be fine because I don't think I'm strong enough to get through this if it isn't - not just the next 6 months but the next 6 years. I'm ready for a giant margarita and a whole bottle of antidepressants. (I know they don't mix, but come on).

Okay, I'm just ready for the week that hasn't ended to be over.

The Plan

There has been a lot of thinking, a lot of talking and some crying at our house. Yesterday I tried to talk to my friend but she wasn't working so she didn't have my results and I didn't want to bother her on her day off. She was really nice though. Anyway, today the doctor that called Monday had the only late case and he sat down with me afterward. I had already decided that I am not going to do the amnio. At least not right now. He has told me the time to do the amnio was 16-17 weeks and that was one of my questions. Because I don't want to. I don't. I know it is the only way to know but I don't want to do. I knew this but we talked about it anyway and I asked the risks. Of course there some. I'm just not willing to accept those risks right now. Neither is Mike. So we came up with the plan that I will have my afp drawn at sixteen weeks as planned. Then we will do an anatomy scan at 18 weeks and we will see what we see. If we see problems there then we will do the amnio. He said 18 weeks should be sufficient but 16 would be too soon. I figured I would be able to keep my sanity long enough to survive to 20 weeks. But he said we will be able to see everything then. So there we are. We have a plan. I don't have to travel and stuck with a big needle. I had more questions about the trisomies and defects and survival rates and he had answers. They weren't good but he was able to tell me.

On a different note, I had a message to call to set up an interview for the job I applied for. I'm scared. I left her a message and I will call back tomorrow to set up an interview. Now I need get a real resume put together. I have really been struggling with that!

Oh

I got a call today that said private so I didn't answer. I applied for that job and I am all nervous about it. I want it but I don't want to leave my job. I want change but I don't. I don't usually answer private calls anyway. If they leave a message I will know. There was a message. It wasn't anything in the world to do with a job. It was the OB I saw at my last visit. He was calling with the results from my blood work that I completely forgot about. Completely. Why was he calling? My heart was pounding in my ears. I called the office back. They asked me if I was sure he was the one that called. YES! He is on his line, do you want to hold? Duh? I wait. I am just sick. Mike is sitting in a chair in the same room watching me. He comes on the line. Blah, blah, remember the test gives you odds not a diagnosis. Blah, blah. THE FUCKING DR CALLED. My odds compared to other women my age of having a baby were very low. Number is gone from my mind. Blah, blah. My odds compared to other women my age, based on my blood work, of having a baby with a trisomy were high. Huh? Blood pulsing in ears. Words still coming out of doctor's mouth. Tears coming. Any questions? I don't know what to ask yet I say. He tells me we can get an amnio but we can't do it here we have go out of town where they do the genetics. That is the only way we can know if we want to know and not wait and see. He said by our 20 week ultrasound we will be able to see if the baby has physical defects if we don't want to do the amnio. Are we going to do anything different? No. But I have to sleep at night. I looked up trisomy 13 & 18 after I got off the phone of course. Mike doesn't get any of this. They are horrible. I have cried a lot. Then some more. I had to go get Jake and took him to the doctor since he is sick again. We left and drove and I realized after more than ten minutes of driving I hadn't said anything to him while were in the car. I just drove deep in thought. That made me feel terrible. There is not much I can do about the baby but I still have a little boy that needs all I have to give and plus a whole lot more.

Appt #2

I must say that I didn't have high expectations for my appointment today. I was very fearful that I would not see a live baby today. I was extremely relieved to be wrong. I have continued to spot or bleed until this week actually. It wasn't all old blood either. Mike came today but he was late of course. Actually I went straight up from work and they called me in early for my ultrasound. Thankfully Mike was a little early or he would have missed it all. I wish he had been there for the first image to know things were fine the same time I did, but he was there shortly. We have just known that what is to be is to be so we have been just trying to not think about it a lot.

But the news was all good! The baby measures exactly on. The baby gave us quite a show when it woke up. It was jumping like a frog with its legs. The nuchal measurement was good. The nasal bone was there and my finger bleed like a stuck pig. I lost four pounds. Mike got to meet the new OB I have been working with as he was the one we saw. He told me I can take Motr.in for my headaches!!! I can take it for three days at a time for awhile. I have been having horrible, horrible headaches. He thinks they are atypical migraines and they are lasting for days. I get to take the Motr.in, a phenergan, and drink a regular pop and then I am supposed to try to do nothing but kick back and sleep. That sounds awesome right? In a perfect world. Yesterday was the third day of my horrible headache and I was on call. I couldn't take anything that would make me sleep. But by God, I am taking some tonight. My head feels stinking bruised.

He brought up two things that were not something I was expecting. Of course my being fat was brought into it. Because of my "size" he wants me to have monthly growth scans starting at 24!!!! weeks so I will have lots and lots of scans he said. He was pleased to see that I showed no signs of diabetes last time. As an American, I am fully aware of the epidemic of obesity and associated type II diabetes, but that doesn't mean it applies to me. It doesn't mean it doesn't and I realize things can change. However, it doesn't mean all chubbies are or will be diabetic. Anyway, I was shocked. He asked how big Jake was and I told him he was huge but I was in no way shape or form diabetic. My family (no diabetics) grow them big and cook them long! Anyway, I will be happy to get to see my baby. Getting the appointments will be torture, but what can I do? The other thing he asked about was if anyone had talked to me about a "vaginal bypass delivery." Huh?? Since I had such a physically traumatic delivery last time maybe we just "elect" to have a c-section. That had never, never crossed my mind -to say it was just too hard and I don't want to. I told him I just wanted to have a baby about two -three weeks earlier this time so it wasn't so big and it wouldn't be as much of a problem. He told me to think about it and we would talk about it again in the last month. I must say, I am not very open to the idea at the moment. I know if the baby is breech then I don't have a choice in the matter. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my mind around it right now.

I forgot to mention that I got rid of the entire collection of blood. There was nothing to worry about. The placenta looked firmly in place and really large actually, but there was no large blood collection under it. So hopefully there will be no more bleeding.

We were both able to have a huge sigh of relief and now the pregnancy is much more real to us both. We even got Jake to look at the pictures after a couple of tries. He said "it's a baby." Of course we had been talking about it and we talked about it again. He doesn't get it and he doesn't want to either.