This summer has been bad. With me at least. I am struggling. It makes me very sad that I am not enjoying my son as I should be, as he deserves me to be. Work is soooo stressful. Our interim director should only be here nine more days. Thank GOD. Only we have to have all our evaluations done in that time. She personally has to do mine. Not good. We don't get along. She tells us all these things we do wrong and I argue with her. She doesn't see how we do anything. She is locked (literally) in an office half way across the hospital. Even when her office was in our department she still didn't see. She was off at even more meetings than our old director.

Good news is that we have a permanent new director. She seems much more on page with us. Hopefully it will work well. We have just had two directors for more than a month now and it sucks. It also means we are getting assignments from both of them. Assignments that have to be done out side of our actual duties of taking care of patients. Managers some how seem to forget that we still do that. Hello! Someone still has to take care of the people. They get so far removed. I have pointed that out to the interim director that her assignment will have to wait because I have a job more important to do first. She didn't like that.

Mike's job has been insane. He still has one, thank God, but he is hardly ever home. He is only about twelve hours between trips. Then he is gone for at least 36 hours. He is awfully tired too. Not much that needs to get done around here can get done.

I have an appointment this week with the doctor about the medication for my face. I have been taking medication now since what, Jake was 5 or 6 months old. I have very little never pain now which is obviously great. I still have a lot of twitching and tugging and spasming that is muscular and they can't fix. Some of it could be helped with botox injections but the worst of it is around my mouth so that isn't really an option. Of course, what I am being told is that I just need to reduce my stress levels and that will get better. Anyway, the point of the appointment is to stop taking the medication. It is not something that I can take while pregnant. It effects my nerve transmissions and could prevent a baby's from forming properly. I believe it is a category X medication so we want off that. But that leaves me afraid. Will I have that horrible pain again? I have visited with a couple of the providers at my OB office and they have researched the recurrence of Bell's Palsy during pregnancy. There isn't much out there. My odds are higher but they don't know if there is anything I can do to try and prevent it. They give pregnant women with herpes antivirals during pregnancy and I wanted to know if that would help me. They just don't know.

I have officially gone off the pill as of like a couple of days. However, I feel like something is wrong with me physically. I went to the doctor and they told me it was just stress. My symptoms cover many things including stress. Fatigue. I am so tired I can't do anything. I could take a nap every day when I actually get home. I have been stuck late at work almost every day. Loss of appetite but weight gain. I completely forget to eat because I am not hungry. But I have gained weight which makes me feel like crap. Headaches, nausea, difficulty sleeping even though I feel like I could always take a nap. Depression? Thyroid? Tell me I am fine. Something is out of balance but I don't know what it is. I am hoping maybe this doctor will draw more blood this week and maybe they can tell me. He wouldn't treat anything because he is just a pain specialist and he is only here for less than a month because he is moving. That has me a little worried. What happens if I have problems again? Who do I go to? Hopefully he can tell me. He has a very busy practice so there are a lot of people that are going to need a different doctor.

I just feel like I need to be doing more for my sweet little demon child than I am. I feel like I'm not being a good enough mommy right now and oh, we need to hurry up and try to have another child because the clock is ticking. That doesn't help. I need to figure out what it up with me before I get pregnant. But now my husband that is never home is really pressuring me to have the second baby I do want. He just wants it now. I can't figure that one out.

Anyway, I'm just struggling a bit right now...