I survived

She is gone. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through last week. I still have my doubts about the future as far as pissing the charge nurse off. The charge nurse was back today after being off most of the summer. I wish there had been a little more space between her pet's eval and her coming back. But I've made it this far. I even got my reimbursement check today for my certification test I took in December.

I also survived the birthdays. My baby is two. My baby! Jake is so funny. He is such a charmer. He has so many people wrapped around his little finger. I just can't believe he is two! I didn't even get to take pictures during the birthday. We gave Jake another cupcake yesterday just so we could take a picture and to see if he would eat it. He didn't. He loves candles. He tried and tried to blow them out with Mike on the big cake and we let him blow them out several times on his cupcake. Of course someone was standing beside him helping him. He didn't notice.

He has been a stinker when he knows you are trying to take his picture. He won't give you a nice smile like this one. I don't remember why there is a tear. We have pictures coming up in a couple of weeks and I hope he cooperates!

I made a cake to practice for his birthday. I should have made practice cupcakes because that didn't work so well with his allergy modifications. The cake tastes good and Jake got his first beater.

A good friend's sister has a little boy that is a few weeks younger than Jake. Jake loves to play with him. We went to the splash pad at the zoo and the boys sat to have a snack. It was so cute. Jake started handing K some of his puffs with out being told. He would only hand them out one at a time however and sometimes he gave them a lick first. They were so cute.!

This is the little boy who sees the camera! Our baby sitter came over to say goodbye before heading off to college. He wouldn't cooperate for a picture at all. He still asks about her.

My struggles are a bit different right now. I have been so busy I haven't been able to dwell on how crappy I feel. A friend of mine saw a different doctor today about her thyroid and got a different medication. I am very interested to see how it works for her. My thyroid levels aren't real low but they sit on the line. I may make an appointment with the doctor she saw if it really helps her.

Anyway, that isn't the problem. One day years ago, like seven or eight, I agreed to work with the plastic surgeon that was coming to our hospital. I agreed to be the person primarily in his room so he could have some consistency when he started. I believe my boss said that way he didn't have reinvent the wheel each week. I was still pretty new. It had to be at least eight years ago. Anyway, I quickly discovered I didn't really care for it that much. I didn't like the doctor much and plastic surgery ranges from gross to really horrible. One day in a staff meeting, my boss announced that we had a new position and she was looking for people to apply. She said that she wanted to have coordinators for each specialty and they would be doing things similarly as to what I was doing. She announced to everyone that I was the service coordinator for Plastics. What the hell? This was the first I had heard about this title. I was not very happy. If given the opportunity I would have picked a different specialty. Ortho was my favorite and I wanted to do that. I told her. She told me I couldn't do both. I said that was fine, I just wanted to do ortho. Nope, not going to happen. It all worked out. I would have really gone crazy in that position when a particular doctor started. I would of quit.

So, there have been changes over the years. That surgeon left and I have completely set up two following plastic surgeons. I also was a coordinator for a retinal surgeon for the brief time he was here (I put so much work into that). After someone else quit, I was actually asked to take on gynecology also. The surgeon in that practice that I didn't like had just left so I said that would be just fine. I liked it a lot more. I still do. Anyway, back to the present. Some how this position means I can do my coworkers evaluations. I don't know why it does but that is what has happened. I want to blame on the temp director but I can't because my old boss made me do three last year. This year is different, however. I was initially assigned four. Two of the other service coordinators were also assigned four. One of them did the evals like I did last year and the other didn't. We didn't get any sort of training, just some papers and a shove last year. However, the people assigned to us were very carefully picked. The director did the problem ones, as well as ours and the charge nurse did a lot of the rest of the staff. Well, the charge nurse has been off for about two months now sick. She has been really sick. In and out of the hospital. Two hospitals actually. Tomorrow is the temps last day. She wanted all of the evals done by then. So that meant we had to split up the people assigned to the charge nurse and do those also. I took four initially and accepted a fifth one today.

Of the first four I got, the director told me she was sorry because she gave me two of the three hardest ones in the department. I was upset about one. I'm not sure who she thought the second one would was because the others weren't bad at all. She did give me my best friend, but we are good enough friends that we can tell each other what we need to do and it isn't a big deal. She did have a few issues but one of the other evals on my list is the most strong-willed nurse in the department. But the one I was dreading was the worst nurse in the department. The laziest person we have who is the charge nurse's pet. Wahoo!!! I have been sick about it. I worked on it for hours last night and then went to the director and went over it again today. I went to her to help me find some positive and she just kept adding more negative. I very frankly discussed my concerns about giving an honest evaluation to the charge nurse's pet. Our new director doesn't even know the charge nurse because she has been gone. (she was back for partial days for about a week about a month ago. She was still too sick). The inter um voiced my concerns to our new director or so she told me. She never saw it so she doesn't know what I am talking about. She didn't see the favoritism and hasn't seen the retaliation.

The inter um did the eval with me today. I'm glad but she was a lot harsher than I was. The coworker did okay, but I could see that by the end she was starting to think, to devise. You can see it in her eyes. She is a plotter. I am scared. There is nothing wrong with her appealing the eval. The director did it with me. I had specific supporting information that had been presented by peers. Peers too afraid to give their own names, but some obvious to her (that one would be my best friend that the charge calls a tattle tail all the time). But the nurse was still doing things she shouldn't. She actually has some firable infractions. I am still worried. I was sick all morning. However, I the last eval I picked up has me more concerned. It is someone that oriented me. She has been a nurse forever. She is a friend. But she is having some significant problems. I have done six evals so far and three of the people have voiced concerns about her. The same concerns I have. Something is wrong with her and I don't know what it is. I wonder if she is sick and not telling us. Her job performance has gone to crap. She used to be a bit dingy but a good nurse, now she is just bad. You pretty much have to tell her exactly what to do or she doesn't. She can't identify what needs to happen on her own. She will just stand there until you tell her to go do this or do that. We have been worried but we didn't know what to do. She has to have hand surgery but that isn't root of the problem. This one I think will be harder. I went over her self evaluation and I was just shocked. She could not have rated herself any higher. Not at all. She gave examples but they aren't enough. She obviously doesn't see how bad she is doing. It is going to hard. There will be crying. I believe this was the third evaluation of the top three. So I get to do them all. I am not worried about what she will do to me. She might be mad, but it is out of concern for her welfare, not to mention everyone she takes care of, that I have to be honest. This one might have to be brutally honest for her to see.

Why do I have to do these? What gives me the authority to do annual evaluations?? Peer evaluations yes, but the actual big one? I am so ready to be done with it!!!

Whew!!!

I was brave and got my evaluation over with today. It took more than two HOURS to do. Almost two and a half hours actually. She is a story teller. She has literally seen me at the desk as charge nurse and said "oh dear, where is Mary?" Now how does that make you feel? Today she said I do a very good job of running the desk. Huh??? My charge nurse - really called a unit manager but she seems to want to do mostly the charge nurse stuff. Anyway, she has been really sick. Really, really sick. She was in ICU for more than a week. She has been off for 6 weeks? maybe a little more. She hasn't had a lot of opportunity to do more of the unit manager tasks. Anyway, there is a second in charge running the board most of the time, but occasionally I have been too. This director seems to think the sun rises and sets with Mary so I was surprised when she said that. The whole thing was a pleasant surprise actually.

We did talk quite a bit about one of the evaluations that I have to do. It has me in a difficult position and she helped me. She didn't tell me anything I didn't know but she offered to sit in on the evaluation and that was a relief. I want a witness. If she doesn't I am going to ask the acting charge to sit with me. It isn't going to be pretty. I think one of the reasons she assigned me this nurse was because she know that I have to be honest. I call her on her crap all the time right? The issue is that this is a bad nurse and a bad employee. She is incredibly lazy. She thinks she is so much better than the rest of us and that she doesn't have to pull her own weight. But she can tell everyone else what to do. She happens to be the unit manager's pet. I don't get it. I kind of do, but I don't. I mean she is really bad. It took her a lot of work to find someone to fill out her peer evaluation, because everyone can't stand her. She wanders around with this sense of entitlement. She is also afternoon charge sometimes and she is terrible. She is so freaking lazy. I can not express this enough. Well, if I am honest her eval is going to suck. I can be honest without letting my personal dislike get in the way. If her eval sucks the unit manager is going to be nasty to me. So I at least want a witness so she can't say I was just mean. I have bitched and moaned plenty on the past about how nasty the charge can be when you piss her off. GREAT!! The director told me that she doesn't see how this person is still here. She obviously doesn't care about being and OR nurse. Well, I finally agree with something this woman says.

I can tell the director thinks I remind her of herself. I was surprised. She really wants me to get a master's degree. She said that like 20 times and she had many many suggestions for different jobs and experiences for me. I was surprised. But she also told me that she wants ME to become the unit manager when our current unit manager isn't any more. That was a surprise. It is always best to promote from with in and it would be the worst first year of my life but that I was the stand out in the department for that position. What about Mary??? Mary is working on her BSN but doesn't have it yet. It was very surprising to me. She said I was a wealth of untapped knowledge. Weird! It was weird. I literally could not have had a better evaluation. I could not have scored any higher. There wasn't anything I needed to work on just goals for the up coming year. Weird!!!

The crappy thing is those of us doing evals are going to have to do more because we don't know when the unit manager will be back. I did some last year right, but this director has really made a big deal out of the service coordinators. She has elevated our positions without more pay and kind of ticked off the "others." That makes it more fun right? At least one thing I have been dreading is done.

This summer has been bad. With me at least. I am struggling. It makes me very sad that I am not enjoying my son as I should be, as he deserves me to be. Work is soooo stressful. Our interim director should only be here nine more days. Thank GOD. Only we have to have all our evaluations done in that time. She personally has to do mine. Not good. We don't get along. She tells us all these things we do wrong and I argue with her. She doesn't see how we do anything. She is locked (literally) in an office half way across the hospital. Even when her office was in our department she still didn't see. She was off at even more meetings than our old director.

Good news is that we have a permanent new director. She seems much more on page with us. Hopefully it will work well. We have just had two directors for more than a month now and it sucks. It also means we are getting assignments from both of them. Assignments that have to be done out side of our actual duties of taking care of patients. Managers some how seem to forget that we still do that. Hello! Someone still has to take care of the people. They get so far removed. I have pointed that out to the interim director that her assignment will have to wait because I have a job more important to do first. She didn't like that.

Mike's job has been insane. He still has one, thank God, but he is hardly ever home. He is only about twelve hours between trips. Then he is gone for at least 36 hours. He is awfully tired too. Not much that needs to get done around here can get done.

I have an appointment this week with the doctor about the medication for my face. I have been taking medication now since what, Jake was 5 or 6 months old. I have very little never pain now which is obviously great. I still have a lot of twitching and tugging and spasming that is muscular and they can't fix. Some of it could be helped with botox injections but the worst of it is around my mouth so that isn't really an option. Of course, what I am being told is that I just need to reduce my stress levels and that will get better. Anyway, the point of the appointment is to stop taking the medication. It is not something that I can take while pregnant. It effects my nerve transmissions and could prevent a baby's from forming properly. I believe it is a category X medication so we want off that. But that leaves me afraid. Will I have that horrible pain again? I have visited with a couple of the providers at my OB office and they have researched the recurrence of Bell's Palsy during pregnancy. There isn't much out there. My odds are higher but they don't know if there is anything I can do to try and prevent it. They give pregnant women with herpes antivirals during pregnancy and I wanted to know if that would help me. They just don't know.

I have officially gone off the pill as of like a couple of days. However, I feel like something is wrong with me physically. I went to the doctor and they told me it was just stress. My symptoms cover many things including stress. Fatigue. I am so tired I can't do anything. I could take a nap every day when I actually get home. I have been stuck late at work almost every day. Loss of appetite but weight gain. I completely forget to eat because I am not hungry. But I have gained weight which makes me feel like crap. Headaches, nausea, difficulty sleeping even though I feel like I could always take a nap. Depression? Thyroid? Tell me I am fine. Something is out of balance but I don't know what it is. I am hoping maybe this doctor will draw more blood this week and maybe they can tell me. He wouldn't treat anything because he is just a pain specialist and he is only here for less than a month because he is moving. That has me a little worried. What happens if I have problems again? Who do I go to? Hopefully he can tell me. He has a very busy practice so there are a lot of people that are going to need a different doctor.

I just feel like I need to be doing more for my sweet little demon child than I am. I feel like I'm not being a good enough mommy right now and oh, we need to hurry up and try to have another child because the clock is ticking. That doesn't help. I need to figure out what it up with me before I get pregnant. But now my husband that is never home is really pressuring me to have the second baby I do want. He just wants it now. I can't figure that one out.

Anyway, I'm just struggling a bit right now...