And so it goes

I keep trying to sit down and write a post but I just can't seem to do it. I would love to just carry on about Jake because he is doing so well, but that isn't what is consuming my mind these days. I am horribly stressed with work, both mine and Mike's. It seems as though we are circling the the drain and there isn't much we can do.

Mike is now five people from having to go to Wyoming to work. That would be horrible, scratch that, that WILL be horrible. What it means is that he will have to go to the next leg of their trip instead of his normal one. It is the final or initial step for the trains. It is taking the trains to and from the mine. He actually does that a lot now but then he brings the train home. He would have to live up there. His plan is to get a topper for his truck and when he can't drive home he will sleep in his truck. He can't find a reasonable topper anywhere near us. It isn't like he has set hours or days so we can plan on him being gone so long and home so long. It is going to be awful. Five more people get laid off and he goes. What is worse is that once he leaves, it is only the ticking of the clock before he gets laid off. He has been there more than five years! When the layoffs started he kept telling me not to worry because there were so many people behind him on his local board. Well they have laid off about 200 people that were behind him on the board. There are less than fifty left behind him... Companies are needing the coal. They are using their reserves. It can't go on forever, but will we survive the cut? Probably not. He has our health insurance. He has an outstanding retirement that will be gone. Gone.

My job is sucking ass. The environment is hell. Everyone is miserable. Our new boss doesn't give a shit about people. That isn't her job. Her job is to shape things up and trim the fat. I was off yesterday (without pay) because we didn't have enough work. I needed a mental health day though. It is scary. Everyone has the claws out. My charge nurse was gone for about the first two and a half weeks the new director was here. I had to be the charge nurse for three of the days she was gone. I hated it. HATED IT. Someone almost got fired for an error while I was on duty and I had to defend the person. It was the charge nurse's pet. I don't like her personally, but more importantly I am not comfortable with her work. But there was no way in hell I was going to be the one in charge when she got the boot. My life would have been HELL!!!! For the current volumes we are doing, we probably four too many nurses. So... Right now we are all having to go home early or stay home. Summers are always worse because doctors take vacations and will be gone a week here and a week there. Thankfully, nurses take vacations too so that will help a little.

Anyway, I'm not sleeping well. I'm worrying constantly. I have to watch my back every single move I make. Our jobs won't be based on seniority like Mike's. Ours will be the first, the second, etc to screw up. So all the worrying doesn't help one's performance. I mean you get paranoid and shaky. You question yourself and that isn't good. We need to just be able to do. But no, now it is "did I dot that i, did I cross that t?" I mean everything is important but you should have to triple guess yourself.

The worst part of this personally is that we have been talking about starting to try for another baby sooner rather than later. At the moment, we aren't sure it about holding Jake back a year to start school. That is a long way off but he is doing better developmentally than lots of the kids in his room that are six months older. He is doing well socially as well. But we still don't know how he will be when it actually comes to the time to make that decision. We can't have another baby now. We won't be able to get the hospital insurance until November. But that aside, we won't be able to afford another child on just my income. We may have to move. Who knows what we will find for work. I have been glancing around and everyone is tightened down right now. The job market is horrendous around here for Mike. I mean, 200 people have been laid off a head of him. They are all looking for jobs! Nothing will pay as well of have the benefits. Hopefully something else would have better hours, but... Anyway, we may have to put off another baby. We may not be able to have another baby. This is upsetting me very much right now. I mean, if I can't get pregnant that is one thing, but if it is because of the damn economy I am going to be mad my entire life.

Hopefully I can get a happier post with pictures of Jake out in a few days.

Things aren't going all that well right now, but it makes world feel a lot less crappy when your baby looks up at you and says "Mama, I love you."

Fun in the sun

A good friend and coworker of mine brought over an Easter basket for Jake today. He loved it. It had some jello eggs, a huge bubble wand, chalk, a turtle shaped water gun, and more good stuff. We took him outside to play and he just loved it. He just adores this friend of mine. He asks for her every day. This morning when he woke me up by jumping on my head at 3:40 he was asking for her. I thought about taking him to her at that moment! He just loves to play with her. Her only daughter graduates from high school this year and babysits for us from time to time. My friend is really looking forward to having Jacob to play with once her baby is gone.

Anyway, we played and played and played. He was so cute. I didn't grab a single picture either. Every time he puts something in your hand or takes something from you he says thank you. That is great right? Well when you are holding the bubble bottle and he dips the wand in he says it. We had to have heard thank at least 150 times while we were there. It was fun. I got sunburned though and I'm afraid his cheeks might be pink. I need to get some new sun screen I guess. I was looking at Jake's little legs the other day and thank goodness I think he is going to get a bit of his daddy's coloring. His legs were not anywhere near as pale as mine. I have the skin so white it is lavender on my legs. I still feel bad if I burned my baby

So the new boss was there today. First thing she had maintenance come put a big deadbolt on her office door. The bosses door has never been locked before. There were tons of things in there we needed - instrument books, reference materials, orientation videos that cost a fortune, pay stubs for people who weren't there on payday, emergency OR light bulbs and fuses, back laser keys for when someone misplaces the regular set, emergency chocolate and antacids. I didn't see her much. But almost everyone who was working around her said that she didn't speak to them. She didn't start conversations, she didn't introduce herself or anything. We have a very short meeting every morning and she didn't come to that either. I sure hope she does in tomorrow. I walked up to introduce myself and she turned around and walked away. I didn't mention that the charge nurse is still MIA either did I? Great. Well, let's see how it goes for the rest of the week. I have some major things I need to get handled but I'm not sure how to go about it.

The beginning? The end?

I hardly slept last night. I had a ticket to a high school musical that had been rescheduled from Saturday night. We had a blizzard so they changed it. That made it hard because it didn't get over until a little after 10 and I had to be up at 5. I'm old and don't cope with that very well. The musical was great and a much needed distraction. I had very fitful sleep filled with bad dreams. You see, today our interim director started and my boss told us she thought it was her last day. It is nice to start the day with us all crying.

I can't even tell you the new person's name. I know her resume is longer than my arm. What does that mean to me? She doesn't do one thing for very long, and I'm not talking about interim positions. My charge nurse didn't work today at least in our unit. She had to spend some time some where with administration going over things with this new person. She did tell one of my coworkers that she told this person that "we" weren't going to be very receptive because we are going to be very loyal to our old boss and that "we" don't trust the two doctors that are now in charge of everything. Well, that is kind of true. We are not happy with the two doctors. I don't trust a word that comes out of either of their mouths - one I never have and the other I stop trusting more recently. They flat out lie to us. Nice huh? We are loyal to the boss that has been with the hospital for forty years and she is still in her fifties. But I think we are afraid. We don't know what is happening again. Again, our future is uncertain. Again there are doctors behaving badly and getting their way. We have been told we can't progress because of the leadership we had, but what the hell do we have now???

Wait and see. Go to work and do my job. That is all I can do. I have to keep my mouth shut. I have to just do it. I am scared. There are things that need to be done. There are things that I need done to help the doctors I work with that I haven't been able to get done. Maybe there will be changes now. I don't know. Every doctor thinks their needs are more important than any other doctor and they should have the newest most expensive equipment. I just don't know. I just have to keep going I guess. I just want to cry. A lot. I only hope maybe there are some things we can do better.

Wait and see