Road trip for photos

Friday we took off after I got off work. I had to pick up Jake, feed him a snack and clean myself up before we could leave. I had been hoping to get out a little early from work but it didn't happen. Jake was about as uncooperative as he could be. Every thing seemed to be moving in slow motion except the clock. I got ready and I stood in the living room and had to decided if we were going to try to make it out or not. I decided that I just really really needed to get the heck out of Dodge even if for just a few hours.

So we hopped in the car and drove to our favorite photographer. She was having a fundraiser. It was "Free Fb Friday." You got your picture taken for a donation to the American Cancer Society. Now that is a cause I support. So we drove 75 miles for a few pictures. She is the best. She always takes more and does more than she says she is going to. She is just such a sweetheart. It was cute because Jake was bashful this trip. He has suddenly taken on this role. He now hugs Mommy's legs and hides. I did that forever when I was a kid. I just think it is funny because Jake has been so outgoing thus far. He knows and loves these women so it was pretty funny.

So a drive gives you time to think. So do pictures that are very nice but not really. I mean the photographer did a really good job it was her subject that was the issue. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about cancer. Biology taught us that normal cells mutate and have abnormal growth and replication. It all starts with one tiny cell. One little cell can suddenly (maybe not suddenly) turn our world upside down. I would say that I see cancer at least three times a week. I mean I literally see this horrible disease at least three days a week. I might even see it three times in the same day, depending on what surgeon I am working with. A surgeon will remove a cancerous tumor and hand it to me to pass along to the pathologist. I will hold in my hand the nasty disease that is taking over some one's body. That can be a little depressing. I mean you can also say that we have cut that nasty cancer out, but it isn't that simple. Removing a cancer is usually just the very beginning of a long battle. It is a battle. Some people we are able to help as in cure. Some people we can only help make their remaining days less painful. This is something that some how weighs on me. I mean, it is like everyday routine work for us. I look around and I wonder if some of these people right here and there think about what this actually means to this person.

Surgery is a bit de-humanizing. Is that a word? I mean, most of the people actually in the OR don't get to meet the patient until they have sedation. Even if you meet them in pre-op before the sedation is given you are not meeting them in normal circumstances. They aren't themselves. They are nervous, scared, worried. They may be in a great deal of pain. We are meeting people at their most vulnerable. Within ten minutes of being taken into the OR the person is asleep or much more heavily sedated. We get them positioned. We expose the area that is that is having surgery and the rest of the person is covered up for warmth. OR's are very cold and thermoregulation is impaired. The surgical site is prepped and then everything but that one area is covered up. You kind of lose the person then. In some ways that is okay. I mean we have to be able to do one thing and then move on and do the next all day. If we let one patient impact us too much it makes it hard to take care of the next. It just feels a bit callus some times. Particularly when you are finding horrible new diagnosis such as cancer. I don't know how oncologists and oncology nurses do it day in and day out.

So anyway, I got my picture taken for a donation and permission to put it where ever you want. Obviously she has her name on it but that is fine. She deserves credit. But seeing my face makes me realize I need to get back to the lifestyle changes I kind of fell out of practice with. I did manage to lose 15 pounds but I have had the worst hormone issues. That isn't a good excuse, but I seem to have significant troubles at certain times of the month. Like the whole months work is undone in that time. I need to find a way to deal with that. I'm not sure what that is yet, but I have to work on it. Some time or another I seem to have lost the sides of my face. It bothers me to have my picture taken because I can see that my face isn't normal. Smiling always makes it more noticeable to me. I can feel that my left eye doesn't open as much as it should and I worry that my smile will be crooked. I know it could be a lot worse but it just reminds me that my face didn't recover as well as most people's do. I guess I don't have the nerve pain so I am thankful for that. I am just worried that it will come back. There is a high likelihood of that.

So then when we were done (I wasn't expecting to get pictures with Jake) I took a picture of Jake with Kelly. Jake has been visiting her since he was brand new and I just wanted a picture from the other side of the camera. Jake was being silly. He was more interested, for the first time, with the equipment than the pretty girls. But I did get a few of the photographer, her assistant, and Jake.

Craziness

Life has been crazy around here. Jake is growing up way too fast. I am struggling to keep myself going. I am definitely back to trying to keep my head above water all week just to make it to the weekends. I hate living like that. I want to be able to find something better about the weekdays to go upon.

Jake is a crazy man. He just goes and goes and goes. He is not a sleeper. Everyday I pray for strength and sleep - mostly for Jake, but if he sleeps... My peanut, well, he has gotten to be just a bit of a thing. I think that is a common thing for "sickly" little kids. What he doesn't have in size he makes up for with will, plus noise. At his 18 month check up he was 24.2lbs coming in at 25th percentile. He was 31.75 inches tall - 50th % and his head is but a mere 18.5 inches - 25th %. The head surprised me. It still looks large compared to the other kids and it takes a lot of work to get shirts over that melon. He has been sick forever. We just finished an antibiotic and there is still green stuff. It is the cough that is so bad. Never ending breathing treatments. Fun!

Jake is into everything. He is still pretty laid back about climbing though. He gets up on the furniture by himself now. He likes to stand on one of his step stools to reach higher. He is super helpful. He wants to help with just about everything. I'm not one to pass that up even if it means a task takes me three or more times longer to complete. I am glad he wants to help. It won't last long. He wants to be outside all the time. He loves it. Snot running down his face and just a going and going outside. It used to be when we pulled into the garage he would ask for a snack, but now the first thing he says is "outside" about two dozen times in a panic. If nothing else we walk down the driveway and across the street to the mailbox and back. We might go for a walk or ride around on his little big wheel thing. I have been trying to work on some of the landscaping since the weather has been better and he has been helping me with that too.

Jake just talks up a storm. "No" is still his favorite word and sure likes "mine" more than I like. But he loves to toss out the "peedis." Yes, that would be how he says pen.is. He will be running along and stop and point and identify. As soon as the diaper comes off, he tells you. When you try to wipe him he grabs it and says MY peedis. That worries me a little bit. Why does he do that? Has anyone else encountered this? It just worries me a little bit.

He is still a horrible eater. He will hardly eat anything besides baby food and he has stopped eating the chicken and veggies. I get so frustrated. He even wants it for breakfast and snack. I always offer him something else. He plays with the food - pushes it around, picks it up and puts it down. When it starts going over the edge I take it away and he tells me he is hungry and I give him baby food. I don't know what else to do. He ate two full jars and a couple of bites out of a third for lunch today! He is hungry. I don't know. I have been making bread and he loves that. I just don't know what to do. I've been told he will eat food when he is ready. Great.

I went to my physiatrist about a month ago. I've been seeing him for my face pain. He had me ween off one of the medications I was taking because I was on a very small dose. (I had trouble taking it in the morning and I seemed to be fine so I just once a day instead of twice). I was still on another medication he put me on and the pain seemed to be controlled. So anyway, he had me stop this medicine. I had two weeks of hell! I had the worst headaches I have ever had in my entire life. I was absolutely miserable. Migraines and horrible horrible headaches. I called the doctor's office and his bitch of a nurse left me a message suggesting I try some ibuprofen. I was so mad. I wanted to know it this was normal and how long to expect it to last. I was to the point were I can understand accidental overdoses because you are in such horrible pain you literally can't see straight and you take something. Then you take more, then you take something else and more. But then one day they stopped. THANK GOD.

I am having a lot of trouble though. I am so tired all the time. Jake won't let me sleep. I have had the crud and am afraid I am getting it back. I know I am depressed. Things are still not going well at work. My boss isn't finished until April 15th but she has been gone more and more. Well, she had at least six weeks of vacation to use up. But I know she is also trying to leave us alone more and more since we will have to stand on our own two feet soon. The charge nurse is getting more and more stressed and has acted very inappropriately. I mean the things she has always done that weren't appropriate are way worse. I am not looking forward to this never ending transition. I mean we have been transitioning, literally, for the last three years. It just keeps getting worse instead of better. Yippee

Mike is a bit stressed as well. The railroad is laying people off every week. My friend that just recently got the PCOS diagnosis, her husband got laid off on Friday. This doesn't not help them on their IF journey. He is still pretty far from losing his job but as they lay people off it means more work for the people still there. They aren't decreasing the number of trains they are running just the number of people running them. It also means he went from holding a pretty good position to have a much crappier one. We are all stressed by that.

Yesterday I hurt my back. Jake and I were outside. I was cleaning out some rock and Jake went running toward the street. There were neighbors out across the street saying how cute he was and he went toward them. He didn't even make it to the sidewalk before I caught up to him but I scooped him up and was swinging him and tickling and I felt an explosion of pain in my back. I don't think that is good. The pain was horrible. I am wondering how people live with this all the time. I haven't been having any muscle spasms. I'm pretty sure that actually isn't a good thing. I think that means disk then. I am much better than I was yesterday, but it isn't good. I have trouble with certain movements. Right now it doesn't hurt at all but if I go to stand up I can hardly do it. Not good. I am going to talk to a doctor tomorrow. I don't know if there is anything I should do like a course of steroids or something. I am do not want to get an MRI and have any further evaluation at this time. I can not have back surgery! Hopefully I don't need it though.

I know I have more to say but I think that is enough for now. I know I don't come here very often any more and I don't think many other people do either. I do still like it because I can speak openly and freely about whatever and whomever I want. I don't have to have a polite filter than I might on FB or whatever.

Pix

Some day I will post. I'm behind. I'm just having a hard time but here are a few pictures. I thought I had uploaded more but I guess they are still on the camera. Another time...