My SIL has several jobs. She always has at least one home based business. I think she has sold Stampin' Up! stuff for years. I believe it is only to support her own habit. She has this large book shelf in her basement that has thousands of dollars in these stamps on it. She was talking about where she was going to have to put the next book shelf because they don't fit anymore.
Point being, I stopped being able to escape buying these items. I made my Christmas cards this year and I liked it. It only cost about $150.00 for less that 50 cards!!!! Well, I didn't have any of the basics. I had to start from scratch. But still... She has a group of ladies that love to get together and they make some cards, eat, and spend money. I was able to benefit from this. I got to be the hostess of the party and I'm sure I reaped more benefit than most parties with three times the number of people there. But what the hell am I doing?? I don't need to take up another expensive hobby! What am I thinking??? I have hundreds of dollars worth of stuff coming and I believe now that I am insane.
I drove down to my SIL house the morning of the party. I had to bring all the food and get it set up before everyone got there. Saturday wasn't a good day for me. My MIL went to this party with me and I gave her a very early time to be ready because she makes you stop every 40 minutes for her to get out "for her legs." I was terribly sick Saturday morning. I woke up and I knew I was in trouble. I hadn't slept much the night before because I was getting all the food put together. I spent 45 minutes in the bathroom being sick. It wasn't just vomiting either. So I was extra worried about the drive. I had to call my husband from the bathroom and tell him to call his mother and tell her I would be late. I do believe that there was nothing left in me to come out so I made the trip just fine.
I was fine for awhile. I made it through the party great and then I got really sick again. I had bad abdominal crapping and I felt terribly, terribly bloated. It almost got so bad that I was ready to go to the hospital. It just seemed like something was not right. I was nauseated but no vomiting. My MIL and SIL dragged me shopping and I thought that was going to kill me.
All in all the trip went well. My MIL got in a pout and acted like a child for awhile on Saturday. I certainly would have liked to have felt better. It was nice to get out of town. I had yesterday and today off and I am glad because after the nonstop business of the funeral, the whole week of work, then cooking and traveling again I needed a break. I have to work now through next week without a break. I am planning a lazy weekend then!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Catching up
Boy, have I been slacking. To start. I got a phone call late on the 13th from my mom that said my grandma wasn't doing very well. (Back story: my grandma has had Alzheimer's disease for years. Her mind was completely gone. She has been unresponsive in any cognitive way for a number of years. Physically however she has been fine. So sadly, there has been nothing to do but wait for her body to catch up to her mind. We had to put Grandma in a nursing home I think nine years ago this past fall. A number of years ago she stopped being able to chew so all of her food had to be pureed and everything had to be made the same consistency for her to be able to swallow. So water or juice had to be made thicker. She had some weight loss at that time and we had some rather heated discussions on what we would do IF her weight loss continued. Mind you, Grandma was gone at this point, just her poor body remained. We had three for no feeding tube, one adamant for a feeding tube and my sister wavered back and forth). So back to the call from my mom. The nurse at the home thought that Grandma had may have had a stroke on the 9th I think. Grandma stopped being able to swallow anything at all. She would just choke. So my mom said Grandma is now dying and they weren't sure she would make it through the night. I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point. Grandma is 650 miles away.
My sister and I talked that night because she was in Nashville and was to fly home on Sunday, but where should she go now? We went to bed and waited for the update on Sunday morning. No change. My sister asks me how long I think it will take. I told her I didn't know for sure but she hadn't had any food or any sort of hydration since the Tuesday before. I said it can't be long. Even though Grandma's requirements were minimal, your body still has needs. People dehydrate so quickly, but not poor Grandma. My sister went there instead. I couldn't go because I would only get three days off of work for the funeral. It would take one day each way for the drive. My sister actually got to my aunt's house (same town as the nursing home) on Monday because of the crappy weather and another aunt got there the same day. They sat and waited. My mom couldn't take the wait any more and drove on Tuesday. (We were supposed to go together). Grandma died mid day Wednesday the 17th and the funeral was on the 20th. I left to start the drive on Wednesday after work. The plan was I would go about 200 - 250 miles and spend the night so my trip wouldn't be so long on Thursday.
I only made it 100 miles. I got hit by a deer. I saw it coming straight at me and there was nothing I could do about it. It slammed into my driver's side door then went along the rear door and back end of my car. I think the damn thing ran off then. Fortunately, the damage wasn't too bad. My side mirror was hanging by its wires though and needed to be removed. I called my father-in-law because he has lots of family in the town I was closet too. I had to drive into town with the window down to hold the mirror so it wasn't slamming into the side of the car. It wasn't 20 degrees out so that sucked. I got into town and parked in a well lit parking lot to assess the damage because I couldn't even see it before. Body damage, nothing functional but my mirror. I didn't know where to go and I called my FIL again and every ten seconds he asked me where are you now? I didn't know where to go and that is why I asked HIM! So I just pulled over into a parking lot at a motel and said you tell me where to go when you get a hold of someone. I sat there and cried. I was so tired, upset, and not feeling well. It was only a little after 6pm and I had wanted to go farther. I picked my head up and looked around. I saw a van parked in the parking lot that I recognized. It was a business vehicle and I know there is only one person that covers the entire area. I called my friend and asked her if her husband was in this town. Sure enough. At least something was going my way. This man was a groomsman in our wedding. I was so relieved to see someone I knew. He cut my mirror off for me and offered to get me a discounted rate at the motel. I wanted to go farther and went to fast food place to eat. I then called my husband (hadn't called him yet because there was nothing he could do - he was on a train in the middle of Wyoming). He flipped out and insisted I stay the night. So I went back to the motel, and did get a good rate by the way.
When I woke up the next morning and threw up of course, I looked outside and saw it had snowed. Great. The first 50 miles was hell but after that it was much better for the rest of the day. I made it to my aunts before dark, but I was so tired. That was the worry because I get so tired and take a nap every afternoon. I did stop for a long lunch or I would have been there sooner but I did need that hour break.
Everything went well. I got to see a lot of family I hadn't seen in years. Almost ten years actually. My Grandma had remarried after my mom's dad had died. This was before I was born and her new husband, who was the ONLY Grandpa I had, had a large family of his own. Two of his kids were still at home when they married and they both lived in my Grandma's house at some point (I don't actually think it was at the same time though). Anyway, I hadn't seen any of this family since my Grandpa died in 1997. It was good. I have been sad that I haven't seen them or been back to the town where my Grandma lived when I was growing up. I spent many, many summers at my Grandma's house and I have a fondness for that town.
My sister and I left after we got everything done after the funeral and drove to Omaha to spend the night on Saturday 20th. The weather was bad that weekend and my sister's flight left early that morning. I wanted to split my drive up again and it would have been a lot farther if I had gone up to my aunt's house and across South Dakota like when I came. So the weather sucked. The roads sucked. I drove from 35-75 miles/hour on the trip. Not very much of it was at 75. The worst part was my last 200 miles of interstate 80. There was so much ice and the wind was blowing very hard. I saw about 100 cars off the road and 22 semis in the ditch on my trip across the entire state of Nebraska. I was so sick the whole trip. I knew this couldn't be good for the baby, but I had to be back at work the next day. I had my first OB appointment too. The trip was horrible and I was so lucky I made it home. The last 40 miles was about the easiest of the trip and I think I cried the whole way.
My sister and I talked that night because she was in Nashville and was to fly home on Sunday, but where should she go now? We went to bed and waited for the update on Sunday morning. No change. My sister asks me how long I think it will take. I told her I didn't know for sure but she hadn't had any food or any sort of hydration since the Tuesday before. I said it can't be long. Even though Grandma's requirements were minimal, your body still has needs. People dehydrate so quickly, but not poor Grandma. My sister went there instead. I couldn't go because I would only get three days off of work for the funeral. It would take one day each way for the drive. My sister actually got to my aunt's house (same town as the nursing home) on Monday because of the crappy weather and another aunt got there the same day. They sat and waited. My mom couldn't take the wait any more and drove on Tuesday. (We were supposed to go together). Grandma died mid day Wednesday the 17th and the funeral was on the 20th. I left to start the drive on Wednesday after work. The plan was I would go about 200 - 250 miles and spend the night so my trip wouldn't be so long on Thursday.
I only made it 100 miles. I got hit by a deer. I saw it coming straight at me and there was nothing I could do about it. It slammed into my driver's side door then went along the rear door and back end of my car. I think the damn thing ran off then. Fortunately, the damage wasn't too bad. My side mirror was hanging by its wires though and needed to be removed. I called my father-in-law because he has lots of family in the town I was closet too. I had to drive into town with the window down to hold the mirror so it wasn't slamming into the side of the car. It wasn't 20 degrees out so that sucked. I got into town and parked in a well lit parking lot to assess the damage because I couldn't even see it before. Body damage, nothing functional but my mirror. I didn't know where to go and I called my FIL again and every ten seconds he asked me where are you now? I didn't know where to go and that is why I asked HIM! So I just pulled over into a parking lot at a motel and said you tell me where to go when you get a hold of someone. I sat there and cried. I was so tired, upset, and not feeling well. It was only a little after 6pm and I had wanted to go farther. I picked my head up and looked around. I saw a van parked in the parking lot that I recognized. It was a business vehicle and I know there is only one person that covers the entire area. I called my friend and asked her if her husband was in this town. Sure enough. At least something was going my way. This man was a groomsman in our wedding. I was so relieved to see someone I knew. He cut my mirror off for me and offered to get me a discounted rate at the motel. I wanted to go farther and went to fast food place to eat. I then called my husband (hadn't called him yet because there was nothing he could do - he was on a train in the middle of Wyoming). He flipped out and insisted I stay the night. So I went back to the motel, and did get a good rate by the way.
When I woke up the next morning and threw up of course, I looked outside and saw it had snowed. Great. The first 50 miles was hell but after that it was much better for the rest of the day. I made it to my aunts before dark, but I was so tired. That was the worry because I get so tired and take a nap every afternoon. I did stop for a long lunch or I would have been there sooner but I did need that hour break.
Everything went well. I got to see a lot of family I hadn't seen in years. Almost ten years actually. My Grandma had remarried after my mom's dad had died. This was before I was born and her new husband, who was the ONLY Grandpa I had, had a large family of his own. Two of his kids were still at home when they married and they both lived in my Grandma's house at some point (I don't actually think it was at the same time though). Anyway, I hadn't seen any of this family since my Grandpa died in 1997. It was good. I have been sad that I haven't seen them or been back to the town where my Grandma lived when I was growing up. I spent many, many summers at my Grandma's house and I have a fondness for that town.
My sister and I left after we got everything done after the funeral and drove to Omaha to spend the night on Saturday 20th. The weather was bad that weekend and my sister's flight left early that morning. I wanted to split my drive up again and it would have been a lot farther if I had gone up to my aunt's house and across South Dakota like when I came. So the weather sucked. The roads sucked. I drove from 35-75 miles/hour on the trip. Not very much of it was at 75. The worst part was my last 200 miles of interstate 80. There was so much ice and the wind was blowing very hard. I saw about 100 cars off the road and 22 semis in the ditch on my trip across the entire state of Nebraska. I was so sick the whole trip. I knew this couldn't be good for the baby, but I had to be back at work the next day. I had my first OB appointment too. The trip was horrible and I was so lucky I made it home. The last 40 miles was about the easiest of the trip and I think I cried the whole way.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Back
Things have not been going all that well in my neck of the woods lately. But I will go into that another time...
We had our first appointment today. We were able to hear the baby's heart beat! That was after they prepared us for reasons we wouldn't hear a healthy baby's heartbeat at just under 10 weeks. So that was exciting. We made an appointment to have our first ultrasound. I'm not sure who is more excited, me or Mike. One of my coworkers gave me a beautiful little book today that had me crying in the waiting room before I went back. She is about my age, but she is done having kids. She keeps nudging me to get into this more, but I have said I'm not ready yet, that it is too soon. I just want to make it safely through the first trimester and then... we will see.
We had our first appointment today. We were able to hear the baby's heart beat! That was after they prepared us for reasons we wouldn't hear a healthy baby's heartbeat at just under 10 weeks. So that was exciting. We made an appointment to have our first ultrasound. I'm not sure who is more excited, me or Mike. One of my coworkers gave me a beautiful little book today that had me crying in the waiting room before I went back. She is about my age, but she is done having kids. She keeps nudging me to get into this more, but I have said I'm not ready yet, that it is too soon. I just want to make it safely through the first trimester and then... we will see.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Here we are
We live in a freaking black hole. We have very few choices when it comes to technology. Cell service? We are helpless with one major company that can treat you as poorly as they would like and then a second, growing company that still has a long way to go to be competitive. Internet? Choices still suck. The services provided are antiquated and terribly over priced. I guess we have something right?? Not this week. We didn't have internet for almost a week.
It doesn't matter. I have been too sick to care. I worked with my OB/GYN yesterday and he asked me how I was and I told him I have been really, REALLY sick. He patted me on my shoulder and said in the gentle voice he has "Remember, this is what you wanted." Did I want to become better acquainted with ever toilet within five minutes of my house (because that is all the farther I will go)? No. I want the end result. I am the first to admit that I am not patient. This is going to drive me nuts.
Last night was rough. I was sick enough to pop some ribs out of place. My back and side have hurt so badly today it has been almost unbearable. (that is what I say now!) My doctor came down today to do an emergency case and I said I NEED pharmacological assistance. Of course, I had to say this in front of my charge nurse and she made some bitchy comment to someone else. I am so tired of being made to feel like I am an awful person. I had to leave my newbie alone today to vomit and I LITERALLY passed eight people that do my exact job doing nothing that could have gone and helped her. None did. Two were nice enough to check on me, but no one volunteered to help.
I sucked it up and finished my day. I apologized to those I work with and made it until the end. Then I went and got my Reglan and for the first time in close to two weeks I am not actively trying not to vomit. I mean I don't have to. Thank God!
It doesn't matter. I have been too sick to care. I worked with my OB/GYN yesterday and he asked me how I was and I told him I have been really, REALLY sick. He patted me on my shoulder and said in the gentle voice he has "Remember, this is what you wanted." Did I want to become better acquainted with ever toilet within five minutes of my house (because that is all the farther I will go)? No. I want the end result. I am the first to admit that I am not patient. This is going to drive me nuts.
Last night was rough. I was sick enough to pop some ribs out of place. My back and side have hurt so badly today it has been almost unbearable. (that is what I say now!) My doctor came down today to do an emergency case and I said I NEED pharmacological assistance. Of course, I had to say this in front of my charge nurse and she made some bitchy comment to someone else. I am so tired of being made to feel like I am an awful person. I had to leave my newbie alone today to vomit and I LITERALLY passed eight people that do my exact job doing nothing that could have gone and helped her. None did. Two were nice enough to check on me, but no one volunteered to help.
I sucked it up and finished my day. I apologized to those I work with and made it until the end. Then I went and got my Reglan and for the first time in close to two weeks I am not actively trying not to vomit. I mean I don't have to. Thank God!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
How long is it going to last?
I am not feeling well. Morning sickness, which is hitting me more in the afternoon, is not going well. I gag very easily as it is but now... In surgery there are lots of gross things some people may think. Very little bothers me most of the time. I am not big on vomit and mucous. I don't do well with anything suctioned out of an airway any day of the year. I usually ignore it and it is fine. Right now however, the sound of upper airway suctioning is killing me. The sight of an ET tube coming out of a patient with secretions hanging off of it does me in. Part of my job is to be next to the patient while they are waking up and while the airway is being managed. These are not things I can avoid. I don't know what to do. Today, there happened to be two anesthetists in the room in addition to the scrub, my trainee, and myself. That was the only reason I could run out and vomit until I thought my eyes would explode. God help me. I am really tired of hearing that sometimes this lasts the whole nine months. Of course, it still doesn't feel real to me aside from the sickness and the breasts that feel like they are going to pop, and the need to pee every 5 minutes. Maybe when I can see the baby or get to hear a heart beat, then I will feel better about all the vomit.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Bev
Today I went to the funeral of an incredible woman. Bev was an anesthetist in our department when I started. I only got to work with her for a few years, but she is like no other person I have ever met. She always had a smile on her face and a kind word.
Bev became a nurse many years ago. She was the director of nursing at our town's old hospital. I didn't know that. She was such a sweet woman it surprises me to hear she held that position. She became a nurse anesthetist. She was a missionary in African for more than ten years in the 1960s-1970s. She only left because it became so dangerous they couldn't stay anymore. She was literally airlifted out in the middle of a war.
I loved to hear her tell stories about doing surgery in Africa. They did amazing things with very little. For a long time after I started I thought she might be a nun. She never married and back then I felt sad for her that she didn't have a family of her own. As I got to know her I realized she had a very large family and was extremely close to many of her nieces and nephews. She had a wonderful family.
She retired in 2002, I think. She traveled some. She would stop in and visit us from time to time. She was thoroughly enjoying her retirement. Suddenly she started having some health problems. It took them a bit to figure it about, but she had ALS. Actually a fairly aggressive form of ALS.
Some of her friends and family formed a support group for/with her. I never went, but I'm not sure why. It makes me sad now that I didn't. Bev had a letter written at each of the meetings that was brought back to use and we have a special book where we keep these letters. This woman's faith was amazing. She never had a pity party, she never got mad at God for letting this happen to her. She never questioned why did this happen to her. She was amazing. She was a living breathing angel while she was here with us. Please watch down on me, Bev. Please help me to be a better person like you.
Bev became a nurse many years ago. She was the director of nursing at our town's old hospital. I didn't know that. She was such a sweet woman it surprises me to hear she held that position. She became a nurse anesthetist. She was a missionary in African for more than ten years in the 1960s-1970s. She only left because it became so dangerous they couldn't stay anymore. She was literally airlifted out in the middle of a war.
I loved to hear her tell stories about doing surgery in Africa. They did amazing things with very little. For a long time after I started I thought she might be a nun. She never married and back then I felt sad for her that she didn't have a family of her own. As I got to know her I realized she had a very large family and was extremely close to many of her nieces and nephews. She had a wonderful family.
She retired in 2002, I think. She traveled some. She would stop in and visit us from time to time. She was thoroughly enjoying her retirement. Suddenly she started having some health problems. It took them a bit to figure it about, but she had ALS. Actually a fairly aggressive form of ALS.
Some of her friends and family formed a support group for/with her. I never went, but I'm not sure why. It makes me sad now that I didn't. Bev had a letter written at each of the meetings that was brought back to use and we have a special book where we keep these letters. This woman's faith was amazing. She never had a pity party, she never got mad at God for letting this happen to her. She never questioned why did this happen to her. She was amazing. She was a living breathing angel while she was here with us. Please watch down on me, Bev. Please help me to be a better person like you.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Merry Christmas
Against my better judgement, we told our families today. I'm not sure how it went over. I thought people would be more excited. My sister, aunt, and friends that I told were much more excited than our parents. Hmm... I don't know. I know it is still early and I am apprehensive about getting too attached but I thought the grandparents would be more excited. This will mean the first in my husbands family and the "close one" for my mom. I did tell my boss on Friday and it went very well. I was surprised.
My husband has started talking to my belly and I cry. The first time he did it I sobbed and I don't know why. It just... I don't know causes some hormonal meltdown in me.
I hope everyone out there in blog land had a Merry Christmas. Mine went pretty well. I just wish I had tomorrow off to sleep. No such luck. I am afraid my job is going to kick my ass.
My husband has started talking to my belly and I cry. The first time he did it I sobbed and I don't know why. It just... I don't know causes some hormonal meltdown in me.
I hope everyone out there in blog land had a Merry Christmas. Mine went pretty well. I just wish I had tomorrow off to sleep. No such luck. I am afraid my job is going to kick my ass.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Titles can be too much pressure
I don't feel good today. I have been queasy in the afternoons since last week before I even knew I was pregnant. I was sick this morning though and that was a first. I had been up for awhile and I went and got in bed with my husband. (he was able to make it home surprising fast this time). He hadn't been in bed but for a couple of hours and he was taking me to work today. His alarm had been going off and I thought I would snuggle for a few minutes before I got into the shower. He leaned over to kiss me. The weight of his body made me cough and the cough made me heave. My husband makes me puke. I made it to the bathroom but I was very sick. My poor sweet husband, he got sick from hearing me.
I just feel crummy today. I am crampy and that terrifies me. I kept sitting down at work today because I was affraid I was doing too much. I am just so scared and tired.
I just feel crummy today. I am crampy and that terrifies me. I kept sitting down at work today because I was affraid I was doing too much. I am just so scared and tired.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Let it snow
You can't see the flakes falling in these pictures but they are relatively large. We are supposed to be in the middle of a huge storm. Last night they said 16 - 22 inches. I don't know what the updated report is yet. We have had hardly any snow this year at all. Now everyone is freaking out. Much of our community is just shutting down. That is great for all of us that work at the hospital. Daycares are closing, roads are closing, some of the schools closed of course. Put we still have patients that need to be cared for. The last time we had a big storm my husband was home and came and got me from work. That time my boss was trying to keep everyone because she was worried about how we would staff the next day. Today she was worried about how she could get people home and if they had any problems trying to get to work tomorrow to TURN AROUND AND GO HOME. I don't understand this woman. I got chewed 0n in the process of trying to figure out who goes where because I was covering for the charge nurse while she was at lunch. 
I get so confused by this woman. Today I got mad, then upset. I could see that my hormones were taking over, but I couldn't do anything. I felt like I had no control. That was great. My fuse seems to be shorter. I don't want to be know as the "angry pregnant lady."
I get so confused by this woman. Today I got mad, then upset. I could see that my hormones were taking over, but I couldn't do anything. I felt like I had no control. That was great. My fuse seems to be shorter. I don't want to be know as the "angry pregnant lady." Anyway, we had about six inches of snow when I got home. The picture of my car is after being home less than 10 minutes. I'm not looking forward to the morning. There is no snow removal in my neck of the woods. The county will sand a busy 4way stop by Friday I would think. We will see. My husband was freaked out about leaving me to go to work. I don't know when he will be back. The trains always slow down when the weather is bad... At least it finally feels a little more like Christmas.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Procrastination
I don't know if it was my procrastination or my mothers about my coming into this world. My mother was three weeks over due with me when I was born and 43 weeks is the gestational age I was assessed at birth. What would that be? I didn't want to come out or she didn't want to give me up. Regardless, I was only 19.75 inches long, but a giant 9 lbs 7 oz. I was covered in fat rolls, my skin was peeling off, and it was the only time in my life I had a tan (okay I was orange from jaundice).
My mother is a master procrastinator. I am not nearly as bad, not even close. My mom when to grad school when I was in high school and she would be frantically trying to get papers done the morning they were due. She didn't usually start them until the day or two before they were due. My mom was the master at obtaining extensions. Even still, I don't think the ink was dry when she turned the papers in.
My mom made the dress I wore in my sister's wedding. She had the fabric for months. She didn't even cut it out until the week of the wedding. She was very late to the church for pictures and I had nothing to wear in the meantime. My BIL has two wonderful sisters that can sew. They literally had to sew me into the dress at the church. I kept that in mind when I got married. My mom did do some sewing for me, but it turned out mostly alright. She was still more than 45 minutes late for pictures. The photographer did a really good job of distracting me when she was needed and not there. He was awesome about that. (he is very, VERY odd all the rest of the time, but he does beautiful pictures).
What is my procrastination? Christmas? No. Although, I don't have my Christmas cards mailed because the odd photographer has gotten my pictures to me yet. I ordered a small fortunes worth of wallet sized pictures that I very clearly said were to go in Christmas cards and if I couldn't have them early enough to mail, then I didn't want them at all. (they cost almost $2 each. maybe that isn't unreasonable, but it sure seems like a lot to me!) I have had the cards made, the envelopes stamped and addressed since the first week in December. I just did the letter last week, but I would have done it sooner if I had had the pictures.
My procrastination this time? My body. I wanted so badly, despirately to be pregnant by Christmas this year. I, as I believe I blogged, was heartbroken last Sunday when AF came for a visit. As it turned out, it was only a brief visit, like 36 hours and only about the first 18 or so were the normal visit. Then she left. I told my husband this on Wednesday. He asked if I could be pregnant since it wasn't the same as normal. He reminded me of a friend who thought AF was there for the first three months of THREE of her four pregnancies. I told him I would has my doctor since my body has been foreign to me since I went off BCPs. I did tell him that just out of hope and curiosity I did take a HPT on Monday and it was negative. I wanted to talk to my doctor's nurse because I was embarassed. I am a nurse, but I don't know what is going on with me. She was over with him in surgery and I worked with them, but she got away from me before I could asked her if just maybe... His second assistant wasn't one of the nurse practioners or the midwife I would feel comfortable talking to either. I tried to call his nurse in the office, but I got slammed down by the front desk. I think she could hear a waiver in my voice when I asked for the nurse and she knew it was personal not work related. She told me I would have to go on the list to talk to the triage nurse for the day. I didn't know her and I again I was embarrassed. So in the end, I sucked it up and talked to the doctor. He is the nicest man, but I feel like idiot. "Gee Dr. I bleed for a day and half at the appropriate time but that was it. Do you think maybe? Is it possible?" He patted me on the back and said I could "stop by the office" for a test or just take a HPT. I was getting my hair permed after work and I didn't want to do it if I shouldn't, dare I hope, I might be pregnant. He told me a perm was fine if I was pregnant. I couldn't get to his office, besides, they slammed me down when I did try to "stop by."
I did leave work at 1454 and run by the drug store and get a box of HPTs and ran home even though my hair appointment was at 1520. I don't know about anyone else but I have to pee in a cup to successfully perform the test. #1 two lines. I grabbed another one #2 two lines. I tried to call my husband. I was hyperventilating. I was numb and in shock. I couldn't think. I think I slapped myself and went to get my hair done. I appologized for being late and said maybe, just maybe I was pregnant, would it be alright to get the perm. She said it is safe. It is hair color you have to worry about, but not the kind we use on my hair anyway so I am safe to do that when I want as well. I left the 2 positive tests out on the kitchen counter for my husband to find when he got home (while I was getting my hair done). He was almost crying he was so excited. I used the test #3 on Friday morning and it was positive. Then I had to go out and buy a different kind with the digital read out since I couldn't get into the office until tomorrow. Just in case something was wrong with that entire box. #4 was positive too. I'm not sure we will believe it until we hear it from a dr's office.
Mike can barely contain himself. He wants to tell everyone. I wish we could wait until the first trimester is nearing an end. I said we need to wait until we have an ultrasound and a date. He can't wait that long. I want to wait until after Christmas, because I don't want it to ruin his sister's Christmas because she wants a baby too. I have him convinced that we have to wait until we have the word from the lab test and we have to wait until Christmas. I am barely, BARELY pregnant. I want to hold on to that and keep as my own for a bit. I am a wreck. I'm in shock, I am happy, I am terrified. I wake up because my breasts are so sore, they feel like a bicycle tire pump have been inflating them while I was sleeping. I HAVE been an emotional wreck this week. I just can't believe I got my Christmas miracle. I was accepting that I wasn't pregnant by Christmas and that we were going to need to seek some help.
My work Christmas party was last night and I made my husband drink a fair amount at the party to cover up for the fact that I wasn't. I was the DD since he needed to celebrate for passing is test and making it through his very stressful class this past week. The poor baby is not much of a drinker. Two beers and it is bed time. He had three at dinner and then we were supposed to go to a coworkers after party. We got there and there were 75 people and I only knew about ten. I didn't even see the hostess. That is certainly not Mike's scene and it was a bit much for me because it had been going for hours it appeared. It wasn't what I understood it to be so we left. We went over to another coworker's new house and laughed our asses off. Mike drank more than he has ever had in his life. We had a good time. The other place wouldn't have been fun like this.
So the spell check doesn't work and I really can't spell so I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose...
My mother is a master procrastinator. I am not nearly as bad, not even close. My mom when to grad school when I was in high school and she would be frantically trying to get papers done the morning they were due. She didn't usually start them until the day or two before they were due. My mom was the master at obtaining extensions. Even still, I don't think the ink was dry when she turned the papers in.
My mom made the dress I wore in my sister's wedding. She had the fabric for months. She didn't even cut it out until the week of the wedding. She was very late to the church for pictures and I had nothing to wear in the meantime. My BIL has two wonderful sisters that can sew. They literally had to sew me into the dress at the church. I kept that in mind when I got married. My mom did do some sewing for me, but it turned out mostly alright. She was still more than 45 minutes late for pictures. The photographer did a really good job of distracting me when she was needed and not there. He was awesome about that. (he is very, VERY odd all the rest of the time, but he does beautiful pictures).
What is my procrastination? Christmas? No. Although, I don't have my Christmas cards mailed because the odd photographer has gotten my pictures to me yet. I ordered a small fortunes worth of wallet sized pictures that I very clearly said were to go in Christmas cards and if I couldn't have them early enough to mail, then I didn't want them at all. (they cost almost $2 each. maybe that isn't unreasonable, but it sure seems like a lot to me!) I have had the cards made, the envelopes stamped and addressed since the first week in December. I just did the letter last week, but I would have done it sooner if I had had the pictures.
My procrastination this time? My body. I wanted so badly, despirately to be pregnant by Christmas this year. I, as I believe I blogged, was heartbroken last Sunday when AF came for a visit. As it turned out, it was only a brief visit, like 36 hours and only about the first 18 or so were the normal visit. Then she left. I told my husband this on Wednesday. He asked if I could be pregnant since it wasn't the same as normal. He reminded me of a friend who thought AF was there for the first three months of THREE of her four pregnancies. I told him I would has my doctor since my body has been foreign to me since I went off BCPs. I did tell him that just out of hope and curiosity I did take a HPT on Monday and it was negative. I wanted to talk to my doctor's nurse because I was embarassed. I am a nurse, but I don't know what is going on with me. She was over with him in surgery and I worked with them, but she got away from me before I could asked her if just maybe... His second assistant wasn't one of the nurse practioners or the midwife I would feel comfortable talking to either. I tried to call his nurse in the office, but I got slammed down by the front desk. I think she could hear a waiver in my voice when I asked for the nurse and she knew it was personal not work related. She told me I would have to go on the list to talk to the triage nurse for the day. I didn't know her and I again I was embarrassed. So in the end, I sucked it up and talked to the doctor. He is the nicest man, but I feel like idiot. "Gee Dr. I bleed for a day and half at the appropriate time but that was it. Do you think maybe? Is it possible?" He patted me on the back and said I could "stop by the office" for a test or just take a HPT. I was getting my hair permed after work and I didn't want to do it if I shouldn't, dare I hope, I might be pregnant. He told me a perm was fine if I was pregnant. I couldn't get to his office, besides, they slammed me down when I did try to "stop by."
I did leave work at 1454 and run by the drug store and get a box of HPTs and ran home even though my hair appointment was at 1520. I don't know about anyone else but I have to pee in a cup to successfully perform the test. #1 two lines. I grabbed another one #2 two lines. I tried to call my husband. I was hyperventilating. I was numb and in shock. I couldn't think. I think I slapped myself and went to get my hair done. I appologized for being late and said maybe, just maybe I was pregnant, would it be alright to get the perm. She said it is safe. It is hair color you have to worry about, but not the kind we use on my hair anyway so I am safe to do that when I want as well. I left the 2 positive tests out on the kitchen counter for my husband to find when he got home (while I was getting my hair done). He was almost crying he was so excited. I used the test #3 on Friday morning and it was positive. Then I had to go out and buy a different kind with the digital read out since I couldn't get into the office until tomorrow. Just in case something was wrong with that entire box. #4 was positive too. I'm not sure we will believe it until we hear it from a dr's office.
Mike can barely contain himself. He wants to tell everyone. I wish we could wait until the first trimester is nearing an end. I said we need to wait until we have an ultrasound and a date. He can't wait that long. I want to wait until after Christmas, because I don't want it to ruin his sister's Christmas because she wants a baby too. I have him convinced that we have to wait until we have the word from the lab test and we have to wait until Christmas. I am barely, BARELY pregnant. I want to hold on to that and keep as my own for a bit. I am a wreck. I'm in shock, I am happy, I am terrified. I wake up because my breasts are so sore, they feel like a bicycle tire pump have been inflating them while I was sleeping. I HAVE been an emotional wreck this week. I just can't believe I got my Christmas miracle. I was accepting that I wasn't pregnant by Christmas and that we were going to need to seek some help.
My work Christmas party was last night and I made my husband drink a fair amount at the party to cover up for the fact that I wasn't. I was the DD since he needed to celebrate for passing is test and making it through his very stressful class this past week. The poor baby is not much of a drinker. Two beers and it is bed time. He had three at dinner and then we were supposed to go to a coworkers after party. We got there and there were 75 people and I only knew about ten. I didn't even see the hostess. That is certainly not Mike's scene and it was a bit much for me because it had been going for hours it appeared. It wasn't what I understood it to be so we left. We went over to another coworker's new house and laughed our asses off. Mike drank more than he has ever had in his life. We had a good time. The other place wouldn't have been fun like this.
So the spell check doesn't work and I really can't spell so I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose...
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I did it
...for him. I didn't want to and I didn't get very many other decorations out at all, but I put up the tree for my husband. I watched me assemble the actual tree and then I had to do all the lights and decorating. He's 6'2", I'm 5"5", and tree is seven feet tall (not counting the sad goofy branch at the top). Who should be putting the lights on. Yes, some how it is the shorty. Oh well, then I get everything my way. I didn't get out a lot of the ornaments and I used icicles instead of the tinsel DH likes. I am tired and worked with one of the regular abusers (the surgeon to the nurses) today. It wore me out. We had very difficult cases, but I got to leave on time and come home. I have to get on the computer now because my husband will be on it the entire night once he gets home. He has a week of class and he is really worried about the test at the end. If he doesn't pass his job stops and he has to travel to Salt Lake City on our dime to retake the test. The poor sweetheart just isn't a good test taker. He has been studying really hard and I am very proud of him. I need to write my Christmas letter since my cards have been done since Thanksgiving weekend. I am waiting for some wedding pictures too to send out with the cards. I haven't really been in the frame of mind for writing a letter to all my friends and family, but I think today is going to be the day.
Monday, December 11, 2006
No title
Yesterday I was on call. Surgery is closed on Sundays except for emergencies and there is a scrub and circulating nurse on call. I was called at 0700 to come in to do a case at 0800. Technically 0700 is when my shift starts, but if a Dr has a "scheduled emergency" they let us know a head of time. We all have different jobs and different understandings of each others jobs but for GOD'S SAKE IF YOU HAVE A CASE THAT NEEDS TO START AT 0800 WE NEED MORE NOTICE. Our required response time for emergencies is 20 minutes. It never takes me that long and I am usually the first person there getting everything gathered together. On Sundays it really is just the two of us (plus two anesthesia providers). We come in, we have to figure out what we are doing, get what we need, open the sterile supplies, make sure the surgeon is actually at the hospital, and then seek out the patient after anesthesia has seen them. That is where you never know what you are going to get. It seems as though the other areas you get the patients from don't do anything to get them ready until you are THERE. Then they have things "saved" for when the patient goes to preop. After hours, there is no preop. That is why they were given the orders. So you have to "help" get these things done. Now some areas are better than others, some people are better than others but this step of getting the patient can take a VERY long time - 30-40 minutes sometimes (on occation it has been an hour). So off in our Dr's Lounge is a surgeon waiting thinking we are sitting drinking coffee. Anyway, our patient was in the room at 0817 yesterday and the whining had already started.
Anyway, we did our case. Then we have to wash the instruments and clean the room. Hopefully, you are lucky then and you get to go home. Or, as the case yesterday, you wait to hear from the surgeon because they think they have another patient with the same problem. We didn't have to do the case, but we waited to hear for about 45 min. Then I went home and AF was here. I knew it was coming, I knew this wasn't going to be the month again. It didn't stop me from sobbing for an hour. My husband found me about 20 minutes in and tried to help. He was really supportive and said all the right things. He could get me calmed down to the hick-up crying but then I would start back up again. He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but really he is a big teddy bear. He said he would do anything takes. I don't think he has a clue about this journey we are embarking. I know he wants to make things easier for me. He doesn't want me to stress so much. I don't want to be so stressed. But that isn't happening. My life isn't suddenly going to be completely different. I'm not sure who doesn't have a high stress job? If you know, clue me in on it.
I had to go back to work two more times yesterday. In between, I put up the Christmas tree because a fit was thrown that the tree wasn't up yet. He sat and watched me assemble the tree. No offer of help. I work on laundry and I blubbered. The puppy threw up and then I threw up. I didn't get home until after midnight and I had to get up at 0530 to get to work. I was having a hard time today. I kept hurting myself because I was tired I think. I have pinched or banged just about every part of my body. I very carefully selected my words when I asked my charge if I could be relieve at her convenience. But I just can't win. She did end up getting me relieved but it was after telling me that I had to stay unless I thought I absolutely couldn't do my job. Of course that wasn't the case, I am just very tired and if there was someone extra I would go. That is what is SUPPOSED to happen. Whatever. I was suprised when someone came about 30 minutes later to get me out. Some people whine and bitch about going home after call. I don't ask unless I am really tired or there are so many extra people you are tripping over them. It doesn't matter. I am just very frustrated with my job. There seem to be different rules for different people and you never know what the rules are going to be.
I know some of my problems are hormonal at the moment, some are sleep related, but I just feel so beaten down. I don't feel like there is much fight left in me. I am so disappointed. At least now I can drink! That sounds like the LAST thing I need to do. Tomorrow will be better. The thing is, I think I am tripping on pebbles right now and I think this I see boulders ahead. Maybe not, but I think my optomism and hope are have suffered a severe hemorrhage at the moment.
Anyway, we did our case. Then we have to wash the instruments and clean the room. Hopefully, you are lucky then and you get to go home. Or, as the case yesterday, you wait to hear from the surgeon because they think they have another patient with the same problem. We didn't have to do the case, but we waited to hear for about 45 min. Then I went home and AF was here. I knew it was coming, I knew this wasn't going to be the month again. It didn't stop me from sobbing for an hour. My husband found me about 20 minutes in and tried to help. He was really supportive and said all the right things. He could get me calmed down to the hick-up crying but then I would start back up again. He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but really he is a big teddy bear. He said he would do anything takes. I don't think he has a clue about this journey we are embarking. I know he wants to make things easier for me. He doesn't want me to stress so much. I don't want to be so stressed. But that isn't happening. My life isn't suddenly going to be completely different. I'm not sure who doesn't have a high stress job? If you know, clue me in on it.
I had to go back to work two more times yesterday. In between, I put up the Christmas tree because a fit was thrown that the tree wasn't up yet. He sat and watched me assemble the tree. No offer of help. I work on laundry and I blubbered. The puppy threw up and then I threw up. I didn't get home until after midnight and I had to get up at 0530 to get to work. I was having a hard time today. I kept hurting myself because I was tired I think. I have pinched or banged just about every part of my body. I very carefully selected my words when I asked my charge if I could be relieve at her convenience. But I just can't win. She did end up getting me relieved but it was after telling me that I had to stay unless I thought I absolutely couldn't do my job. Of course that wasn't the case, I am just very tired and if there was someone extra I would go. That is what is SUPPOSED to happen. Whatever. I was suprised when someone came about 30 minutes later to get me out. Some people whine and bitch about going home after call. I don't ask unless I am really tired or there are so many extra people you are tripping over them. It doesn't matter. I am just very frustrated with my job. There seem to be different rules for different people and you never know what the rules are going to be.
I know some of my problems are hormonal at the moment, some are sleep related, but I just feel so beaten down. I don't feel like there is much fight left in me. I am so disappointed. At least now I can drink! That sounds like the LAST thing I need to do. Tomorrow will be better. The thing is, I think I am tripping on pebbles right now and I think this I see boulders ahead. Maybe not, but I think my optomism and hope are have suffered a severe hemorrhage at the moment.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Today hurts
I am having a very rough day. Work was fine. I don't feel very good, but will live. I am just an emotional wreck. I am not where I want to be right now (in my life) and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I feel very alone and I have this overwhelming feeling of coldness that I just can't shake. I know that sounds weird. I feel cold on the inside and out. Maybe it is that I am shutting down. I wouldn't say numb... I just want to go for a drive, or go to sleep and have it be a month later. I don't know how I am going to make it through Christmas this year. I am trying to ignore it.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Time flies
After fifteen hundred attempts I managed to load my picture so I will post.
My husband and I entered a committed relationship with one another eight years ago yesterday. He surprised me with flowers at work. DH has been very good about sending me flowers over the years. We have both received much harassment about it from my coworkers. Long ago I used to get flowers ever couple of months for no reason. Now it is mostly just the important stuff, like birthdays and anniversaries. I didn't think I would get them this year since we are married now. I was very pleased.
Obviously it took us a long time to get married. We will have been
married 5 months in a couple of days. Mike was a little slow at progressing the relationship in the beginning, but in the long run it was really me. Mike is a couple of years younger than I am, but I was the one that wasn't in a hurry. I got a little burned many many years ago and I had some commitment issues. I am also the child of divorce and I have had a distinct lacking in seeing normal adult male/female interactions. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my mother never remarried. I don't think my father has ever cared that I exist.
I just didn't want to rush into things. Obviously we didn't. I just don't want to mess things up. I wanted to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man before I made that legally and spiritually binding commitment. I did get a few ultimatims along the way and that was hard for me. I had to take some leaps and I am more of a baby step kind of person. But we made it here. If we didn't want kids so badly now who knows how long we might have waited to get married. It is funny because when we were finally trying to set a date it was Mike that got a little panicky. He had been nudging me for so long! We desperately want kids but it was very important to us to be married first. It is funny how things change. There used to be a very rigid idea of how things were done in our society but now those lines are blurred. I have known several people who have waited years to get married after they have started families. I'm not talking accidents either, but planned pregnancies. It is funny how marrige does seem to become important at some time or some point. I guess I was a supporter of legalized domestic partnerships. They don't just apply to homosexuals.
Don't get me wrong marriage was still important to me. It was just a scary thing. It was important to me to be married in a church and have our union blessed. My husband isn't religious at all. I was not really raised in a church but spirituality was important to me from the time I was very little. I made my mom take me to church when I was in early elementary school. By the time I was in fourth grade I went to Sunday School all on my own. My family didn't go to church at all. I would get myself up and walk to the church. I would get myself included in church activities with my friends. In junior high that tappered off a bit until we moved to Colorado and then my mom and I made the decision to go to church together. I always worked hard to be involved in church activities. I was never a well versed in the Bible but I always read. After high school moved away from church a bit. I moved several times and it just seemed to slip in the cracks. Last year I made the effort to start going again. I was ashamed when people thought I was new to town because they hadn't seen me in church before. I can't believe what a difference it has made in my life. I feel like a part of me was missing and I didn't even know it until it was found.
I don't know how I got from saying how wonderful Mike is and how much I love him to talking about church. I think it has to do with the different kinds of faith we have. My faith in my relationship with Mike and my faith that my life will follow the right path. It is hard sometimes to have faith and not question it. I want so badly to have a baby and it is hard to have the faith that things will work out as they are meant to. I doubt I will have kids dragging me to church as I did, but I am trying to have faith in God that I will be taking - maybe dragging - kids there someday. Soon, I hope. I'm not good at patience
My husband and I entered a committed relationship with one another eight years ago yesterday. He surprised me with flowers at work. DH has been very good about sending me flowers over the years. We have both received much harassment about it from my coworkers. Long ago I used to get flowers ever couple of months for no reason. Now it is mostly just the important stuff, like birthdays and anniversaries. I didn't think I would get them this year since we are married now. I was very pleased.
Obviously it took us a long time to get married. We will have been
married 5 months in a couple of days. Mike was a little slow at progressing the relationship in the beginning, but in the long run it was really me. Mike is a couple of years younger than I am, but I was the one that wasn't in a hurry. I got a little burned many many years ago and I had some commitment issues. I am also the child of divorce and I have had a distinct lacking in seeing normal adult male/female interactions. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my mother never remarried. I don't think my father has ever cared that I exist.I just didn't want to rush into things. Obviously we didn't. I just don't want to mess things up. I wanted to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man before I made that legally and spiritually binding commitment. I did get a few ultimatims along the way and that was hard for me. I had to take some leaps and I am more of a baby step kind of person. But we made it here. If we didn't want kids so badly now who knows how long we might have waited to get married. It is funny because when we were finally trying to set a date it was Mike that got a little panicky. He had been nudging me for so long! We desperately want kids but it was very important to us to be married first. It is funny how things change. There used to be a very rigid idea of how things were done in our society but now those lines are blurred. I have known several people who have waited years to get married after they have started families. I'm not talking accidents either, but planned pregnancies. It is funny how marrige does seem to become important at some time or some point. I guess I was a supporter of legalized domestic partnerships. They don't just apply to homosexuals.
Don't get me wrong marriage was still important to me. It was just a scary thing. It was important to me to be married in a church and have our union blessed. My husband isn't religious at all. I was not really raised in a church but spirituality was important to me from the time I was very little. I made my mom take me to church when I was in early elementary school. By the time I was in fourth grade I went to Sunday School all on my own. My family didn't go to church at all. I would get myself up and walk to the church. I would get myself included in church activities with my friends. In junior high that tappered off a bit until we moved to Colorado and then my mom and I made the decision to go to church together. I always worked hard to be involved in church activities. I was never a well versed in the Bible but I always read. After high school moved away from church a bit. I moved several times and it just seemed to slip in the cracks. Last year I made the effort to start going again. I was ashamed when people thought I was new to town because they hadn't seen me in church before. I can't believe what a difference it has made in my life. I feel like a part of me was missing and I didn't even know it until it was found.
I don't know how I got from saying how wonderful Mike is and how much I love him to talking about church. I think it has to do with the different kinds of faith we have. My faith in my relationship with Mike and my faith that my life will follow the right path. It is hard sometimes to have faith and not question it. I want so badly to have a baby and it is hard to have the faith that things will work out as they are meant to. I doubt I will have kids dragging me to church as I did, but I am trying to have faith in God that I will be taking - maybe dragging - kids there someday. Soon, I hope. I'm not good at patience
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
So close...
Blogger is toying with me. I think I can upload pictures... no wait it won't let me!!! I have something to show tonight!
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Stupid blog
I'm not particullarly having a good day. I am struggling with Sparkplug and I came here to write. I had some pictures to commemerate such struggles and all this crap is different. I can't figure out how to fix it either. I don't have any of the usual stuff that is there when I go to post. I can't find anything to help me either. God knows I need help!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
a little bitching
Right now I feel a bit like this old pressure cooker. I got so many things bouncing around inside me. Frustrations, fears, worries, things that are pissing me
off, hormones. I can feel the tension increasing. I can feel some of my wing nuts loosening and my lid is starting to rattle. I just don't know what to do. I want to cry. I want to scream and yell. I want to stomp my feet on the floor and pound my fists on something.
I want to quit my job. I don't have a different one. I am chicken to make a change, but I am in a giant dysfunctional family where I am now. I leave work so discouraged and depressed. I dread, DREAD getting out of the bed in the mornings because I know I will have to go there. I am a workaholic. My life revolves around work. The actual work I love it is just how people manage to fuck with everything that makes it bad. I am very sensitive and I let other people get to me. It is hard when they have authority over you. It is just hard because I am a people pleaser. I just want to get in bed and pull the covers over my head and not get out for a really long time, not that I will sleep because of the whole insomnia thing. Which of course, helps with my difficulty coping at the moment.
off, hormones. I can feel the tension increasing. I can feel some of my wing nuts loosening and my lid is starting to rattle. I just don't know what to do. I want to cry. I want to scream and yell. I want to stomp my feet on the floor and pound my fists on something.
I want to quit my job. I don't have a different one. I am chicken to make a change, but I am in a giant dysfunctional family where I am now. I leave work so discouraged and depressed. I dread, DREAD getting out of the bed in the mornings because I know I will have to go there. I am a workaholic. My life revolves around work. The actual work I love it is just how people manage to fuck with everything that makes it bad. I am very sensitive and I let other people get to me. It is hard when they have authority over you. It is just hard because I am a people pleaser. I just want to get in bed and pull the covers over my head and not get out for a really long time, not that I will sleep because of the whole insomnia thing. Which of course, helps with my difficulty coping at the moment.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Christmas already!
I have been so exhausted this weekend that it didn't occur to me that I should start getting ready for Christmas. I am the type of person that likes to have their presents bought by October. Well that didn't happen this year, but I have been working on making presents since before then. I made my plan of what I was going to do for everyone by October at least. It just hit me today that I have to get going on this stuff. I need to develop a plan for the time I have remaining. (I am so weird).My sister-in-law did help me get my Christmas cards made this weekend. I knew she was going to help me get started and how to figure out what I wanted to do, but I didn't realize it would be a done deal. Now all I have to do is write a letter and start addressing and get Christmas stamps. I am proud of myself because this is the first time I have ever made my own cards. I had a lot of help, but I then turned around and helped my SIL make her cards as well.
I guess now would be the time to get the decorations going since the house is clean...
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Insomnia
Insomnia is something I have had trouble with since my hormones started changing with puberty. By the time I was ten or eleven I had some trouble. By fourteen it was significant. I went on medication that I took for about five years straight, but I had these terrible headaches. I get a lot of migraines, but I get a lot - A LOT - of other headaches. My doctor thought that medication was the problem and when I stopped taking it my headaches improved significantly. I tried a different medication that didn't work as well and left me feeling hungover in the mornings. So then I was on my own. I did alright for awhile but a number of years later I went back on medication #1. I don't remember how long I took it again before I stopped but I did.
I have done pretty well for a number of years. I started having trouble before the wedding. I would have a few nights where I would hardly get any sleep at all. I tried some of the new medications that I seen advertised but had no relief. I was very disappointed. For a long time I kept thinking there were all these new medicines that could help me if my insomnia got bad again. That made me feel almost relieved. I lived believing that there would be help if I needed it again. Here I am at 0226 in the morning wide awake. Tonight was a bit more of choice that some nights, but this is a problem again. I was on call for work Wednesday and I was trying to get work done in my house since dinner was at my house on Thursday. I didn't sleep at all that night. I had to stay late at work, then I had to go back to finish the addons (the surgeries that get added in the day). Then I had to go in for a trauma at a little before 0300. I was still cleaning in my bathroom when the phone rang. We had seen (Mike saw, I heard) the helicopter go out at about 0100. Mike always assumes that that means I will have to go to work, but I tried to convince him that isn't always true. We do hospital-to-hospital transfers quite often. However, I did suspect he would be right, like he was. Some not-so-intelligent person under the influence of alcohol tried to get in the house and his wife didn't want his drunk self there so she locked him out. He decided to go through a window and severed the great big artery in his arm. He got the nerve next to it as an added bonus. What fun.
I was able to go home at 0730, not because we were finished but because my call ended at 0700. I came home and had to finish thawing my turkey. I had to get my house cleaned up and get myself cleaned up and, oh yeah, cook. It was not one of my best days. I went to bed at about 1900. No nap or anything. Smart huh?
In the last two weeks, I think I have had four nights where I have had little or no sleep. I don't drink caffeine after 1600. I have been drinking caffeine more and more in the mornings now. I turned 30 and now I have to drink coffee. This is sad. I am just so tired, but there is no sleep.
I heard the dryer buzz. I couldn't go to sleep tonight until I had some clean pants for my husband to wear to work. I think I am off the hook now.
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