Happy Easter

I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend. Ours wasn't too bad. Mike was home still on his vacation. It ends at midnight tonight and I am actually going to be sad. For the first time I am really sad that his vacation is coming to an end. It has been so nice having him home. I had part of a couple of days off to spend with him sort of. Mike got a lot done around here so that was nice.

We spent kind of a quiet weekend as a family. We didn't do a whole lot. Our Saturday got off to a rough start. I got up early so I could get Jake and myself ready to go to the dreaded store before the crowd got bad. Well after I finished emptying my stomach, I looked down at my leg and saw this huge lump. It wasn't there the day before. It's on my medial calf, just below my knee. It definitely was not there when I went to bed. It was the size of egg and firm. Well, crap. I went and woke Mike up and showed him. He FREAKED! I was pretty sure where I would end up but I didn't know where I should go first. So as experience has taught me, call the OB's office first. So I did. But I waited, and I waited. The first responder for the weekend was our midwife so I guessed it would be awhile because she was probably delivering a baby. That turned out to be true. She told me to go to the urgent care. I thought they opened at nine so I waited around forever before I went. That is when they open on weekdays. Turns out they were open at eight so I could have gone sooner. Oh well. So the doctor there takes one look at it and says I need to have an ultrasound of my leg right away. That was what I was expecting. I knew it wasn't a blood clot. I had figured out while I was waiting for the midwife to call that when I put my leg up the lump completely went away.

Thankfully, the vascular tech let me go to the surgeons' office and not the ED. That is what I was so not wanting to do. Everything in the Emergency Department takes so damn long. I didn't want to spend my whole day there. I called a friend to meet me at the office because I couldn't do it alone. The doctor was afraid it might be an aneurysm and I couldn't hear that by myself. So it took about an hour but within seconds we knew the problem. A vein in my leg gave out. The wall exploded, not ruptured, just ballooned to a ridiculous size. It measured a crazy amount when I was reclined so when I stand up and it bulges it is insanely huge. She mapped both my legs while we were there because I have to get this fixed as soon as I have the baby. She said I won't have to have the mapping done again so she might as well do the whole thing because I get charged for it. I have to wear crazy compression hose that I can get ordered on Monday. I may end up on bed rest because of this. AWESOME. Just what I need. I'm sixteen weeks tomorrow. Okay, this is more of the kind of thing I was expecting not getting crappy lab results. This sounds like how things go for me. I don't know if I have problems because I just waited too long or I was going to have problems no matter what and if I had been 8-10 years younger I simply couldn't have handled this. I don't know. It doesn't much matter now does it?

Well, once I got that all straightened away I was able to go shopping by myself. Thank goodness, because it took FOREVER. It was nuts there. Absolutely nuts! I thought I would never get out of there. I made it home in time to throw the groceries in the house and grab Jake to head out the door to make it to an egg hunt. I didn't think we would, but we made it with a few minutes to spare. It was hosted by a friend and there were about 30 kids so it was much safer than the crazy public ones or the one hosted by the hospital. Jake loved it. He got to see the Easter Bunny and he followed him around. He filled his little basket up and then he started filling a little girl from daycare's basket. It was fun. He was all about the candy and shoved it in his mouth as fast as he could. There were 1000 eggs so each kid did pretty well! It was great. The weather wasn't too bad. It was cool and the wind was horrible but Friday it snowed then rained so we weren't sure how it would be.

Today was pretty good. I managed to sleep too late to make it to church. Jake didn't see his basket until about nine so things were pretty quiet until then. He didn't even go after the candy for a long time. He got a new Toy.Story and Toy.Story.2 and that held his attention. Our Buzz was worn out from watching and skipped every time we played it. We never even owned the second one so that was completely new to him. He was so excited. Too soon he did have some candy and was bouncing off the walls! I couldn't get him to eat much food at all today. He did crash and nap. Then late grandma and grandpa stopped by and gave him more presents which included some chocolate. He was literally bouncing off the walls again. Thank you so much. They left us with a mess of a child but we recovered. We had dinner just the three of us. It was nice. I forgot we, we finally got to dye our eggs too. It was decent enough to do it outside today. We had planned to do it yesterday, but since our day got rearranged it didn't happen. It was so windy we might not have done it anyway. So there we go.

Struggling

Last week was very difficult and it doesn't feel like it has ended. I had to work the weekend and I need a break. I need a reset. I am getting really tired and emotional and I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of this darn week. We got our news from the doctor. We have all been really sick. We got blindsided from our accountant on our taxes. We were expecting a check but instead we have to write a huge one and a big one. We don't have that money in our pockets right now. I had to work very late Friday. Saturday wasn't too bad at work but we discovered that there was a long list of debits from our checking account that were nothing we had seen before. We tried calling the numbers that were available to us but we couldn't get anyone. We haven't slept well all week but I tell you Saturday was probably the worst. I got up early Sunday because I was on call and needed to be showered and ready for a trip to work. I started calling the numbers again. On the second call I was able to figure out that it was Mike's number that was stolen. Sorry honey, but that was good new to me. We still don't know how this will end but my credit score is much, much better than Mike's and so if any one's score gets worse it should be his. So we discovered that people were very amazingly helpful. The day was beautiful and I got to stay home so long.

I got to take Jake to a birthday party. It was only his second one, but it was the first time he got to have cake and ice cream. I was excited. I didn't even tell him about it until that morning. He actually took his nap and was ready to go. It went pretty well. He was the youngest one there. All the kids are from his daycare. He was the youngest though and it was obvious. He was also the only boy besides the birthday boy. It was challenging. They still struggled with the presents being Collin's and not theirs. It was hardest with the two boys. I was embarrassed but the parents kept saying it was fine. Jake cried and got upset about a car that was like one of his. I almost took him home but we recovered. He ate his first real birthday cake just as he should. He ate all the frosting and didn't touch the cake. It was red frosting too. It enjoyed watching it tremendously.

We got home and were just settling in when the call came. 1712 the call came to go in for a laceration. That isn't bad at all. But when we were finishing the laceration we hear about the appy. When we are getting that patient from the ED we hear the helicopter went out to pick someone up. So by the time we have taken the appy to the recovery room we are hearing there is a trauma patient arriving by air in 6 minutes. We haven't eaten and there is nothing available to us in the hospital and we can't go anywhere because of the trauma. We don't have time to order delivery. Mike used to bring us stuff in the days before there was a little person to have worry about. Well, my scrub snuck out and was gone less than fifteen minutes to get us food. We were able to eat and recover before the initial trauma assessment was done and then had to wait for the next line of doctors. Then we had to do the surgery. Oh and then you have to clean up. So it was two in the morning before we are getting to leave. We both had to be back to work at 6:30 and we didn't get to leave until 2. I am still tired.

Today was hard because I am crabby from still being tired. I also am having a hard time not thinking and worrying today. I know there is nothing I can do. We have what we have. I've decided that I'm not ready to know because I'm not ready to deal with anything but normal. I'm not. I don't know what we will do. How we can handle it. Mike mentioned another baby if things don't go well and I just can't comprehend doing this again. Then I think about how sad it makes to think of not getting to go through the joy and exhaustion of a baby again. I just don't know. Everything has to be fine because I don't think I'm strong enough to get through this if it isn't - not just the next 6 months but the next 6 years. I'm ready for a giant margarita and a whole bottle of antidepressants. (I know they don't mix, but come on).

Okay, I'm just ready for the week that hasn't ended to be over.

The Plan

There has been a lot of thinking, a lot of talking and some crying at our house. Yesterday I tried to talk to my friend but she wasn't working so she didn't have my results and I didn't want to bother her on her day off. She was really nice though. Anyway, today the doctor that called Monday had the only late case and he sat down with me afterward. I had already decided that I am not going to do the amnio. At least not right now. He has told me the time to do the amnio was 16-17 weeks and that was one of my questions. Because I don't want to. I don't. I know it is the only way to know but I don't want to do. I knew this but we talked about it anyway and I asked the risks. Of course there some. I'm just not willing to accept those risks right now. Neither is Mike. So we came up with the plan that I will have my afp drawn at sixteen weeks as planned. Then we will do an anatomy scan at 18 weeks and we will see what we see. If we see problems there then we will do the amnio. He said 18 weeks should be sufficient but 16 would be too soon. I figured I would be able to keep my sanity long enough to survive to 20 weeks. But he said we will be able to see everything then. So there we are. We have a plan. I don't have to travel and stuck with a big needle. I had more questions about the trisomies and defects and survival rates and he had answers. They weren't good but he was able to tell me.

On a different note, I had a message to call to set up an interview for the job I applied for. I'm scared. I left her a message and I will call back tomorrow to set up an interview. Now I need get a real resume put together. I have really been struggling with that!

Oh

I got a call today that said private so I didn't answer. I applied for that job and I am all nervous about it. I want it but I don't want to leave my job. I want change but I don't. I don't usually answer private calls anyway. If they leave a message I will know. There was a message. It wasn't anything in the world to do with a job. It was the OB I saw at my last visit. He was calling with the results from my blood work that I completely forgot about. Completely. Why was he calling? My heart was pounding in my ears. I called the office back. They asked me if I was sure he was the one that called. YES! He is on his line, do you want to hold? Duh? I wait. I am just sick. Mike is sitting in a chair in the same room watching me. He comes on the line. Blah, blah, remember the test gives you odds not a diagnosis. Blah, blah. THE FUCKING DR CALLED. My odds compared to other women my age of having a baby were very low. Number is gone from my mind. Blah, blah. My odds compared to other women my age, based on my blood work, of having a baby with a trisomy were high. Huh? Blood pulsing in ears. Words still coming out of doctor's mouth. Tears coming. Any questions? I don't know what to ask yet I say. He tells me we can get an amnio but we can't do it here we have go out of town where they do the genetics. That is the only way we can know if we want to know and not wait and see. He said by our 20 week ultrasound we will be able to see if the baby has physical defects if we don't want to do the amnio. Are we going to do anything different? No. But I have to sleep at night. I looked up trisomy 13 & 18 after I got off the phone of course. Mike doesn't get any of this. They are horrible. I have cried a lot. Then some more. I had to go get Jake and took him to the doctor since he is sick again. We left and drove and I realized after more than ten minutes of driving I hadn't said anything to him while were in the car. I just drove deep in thought. That made me feel terrible. There is not much I can do about the baby but I still have a little boy that needs all I have to give and plus a whole lot more.

Appt #2

I must say that I didn't have high expectations for my appointment today. I was very fearful that I would not see a live baby today. I was extremely relieved to be wrong. I have continued to spot or bleed until this week actually. It wasn't all old blood either. Mike came today but he was late of course. Actually I went straight up from work and they called me in early for my ultrasound. Thankfully Mike was a little early or he would have missed it all. I wish he had been there for the first image to know things were fine the same time I did, but he was there shortly. We have just known that what is to be is to be so we have been just trying to not think about it a lot.

But the news was all good! The baby measures exactly on. The baby gave us quite a show when it woke up. It was jumping like a frog with its legs. The nuchal measurement was good. The nasal bone was there and my finger bleed like a stuck pig. I lost four pounds. Mike got to meet the new OB I have been working with as he was the one we saw. He told me I can take Motr.in for my headaches!!! I can take it for three days at a time for awhile. I have been having horrible, horrible headaches. He thinks they are atypical migraines and they are lasting for days. I get to take the Motr.in, a phenergan, and drink a regular pop and then I am supposed to try to do nothing but kick back and sleep. That sounds awesome right? In a perfect world. Yesterday was the third day of my horrible headache and I was on call. I couldn't take anything that would make me sleep. But by God, I am taking some tonight. My head feels stinking bruised.

He brought up two things that were not something I was expecting. Of course my being fat was brought into it. Because of my "size" he wants me to have monthly growth scans starting at 24!!!! weeks so I will have lots and lots of scans he said. He was pleased to see that I showed no signs of diabetes last time. As an American, I am fully aware of the epidemic of obesity and associated type II diabetes, but that doesn't mean it applies to me. It doesn't mean it doesn't and I realize things can change. However, it doesn't mean all chubbies are or will be diabetic. Anyway, I was shocked. He asked how big Jake was and I told him he was huge but I was in no way shape or form diabetic. My family (no diabetics) grow them big and cook them long! Anyway, I will be happy to get to see my baby. Getting the appointments will be torture, but what can I do? The other thing he asked about was if anyone had talked to me about a "vaginal bypass delivery." Huh?? Since I had such a physically traumatic delivery last time maybe we just "elect" to have a c-section. That had never, never crossed my mind -to say it was just too hard and I don't want to. I told him I just wanted to have a baby about two -three weeks earlier this time so it wasn't so big and it wouldn't be as much of a problem. He told me to think about it and we would talk about it again in the last month. I must say, I am not very open to the idea at the moment. I know if the baby is breech then I don't have a choice in the matter. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my mind around it right now.

I forgot to mention that I got rid of the entire collection of blood. There was nothing to worry about. The placenta looked firmly in place and really large actually, but there was no large blood collection under it. So hopefully there will be no more bleeding.

We were both able to have a huge sigh of relief and now the pregnancy is much more real to us both. We even got Jake to look at the pictures after a couple of tries. He said "it's a baby." Of course we had been talking about it and we talked about it again. He doesn't get it and he doesn't want to either.

This and that

We are still hanging in there. I am not feeling great but not nearly as sick as I was with Jake. I still take meds most days because the days I don't are miserable. I may not get sick but at think I might at any given moment. Of course, that can still happen when I do take the zof.ran but that seems to be more situational. I know my husband couldn't have changed the poopy diaper I changed today without getting sick. Most of what makes me sick is an occupational hazard. I see and smell and hear things that the average population does not. I have had very little cramping and spotting too so that makes me feel better. Two more weeks and we get to see the baby. I can't wait to see a real looking baby this time.

Things at work have been... interesting. We are the shortest staffed I remember being and we have had heavy schedules. Normally this is our "slow" time. If this is slow, we are freaking screwed! We do have three people currently in orientation so that is great, but. BUT the first one to be out of orientation is ready to have a baby any second. She is going to take 8 weeks and then she will have to have some reorientation when she comes back. Hopefully it won't take long. She is pretty much ready to be on her own now, but we count on her being here for the entire day today much less relying on her being here tomorrow or the next day. But at least there is an end in site. We have two other people that not going to be out of orientation until June and July. The girl I'm orienting may actually be ready early. She is doing so well. I feel bad for her because I am really crabby and seem to get irritated easily. I'm glad she got to know me this past summer during her internship and not just now. I'm not sure about the other person. She isn't as willing to seek out learning experiences. So, basically, we are down three RN's from where we used to be and we are replacing only two of them. That means life is hell for the rest of us. We have fewer people to take late shifts so each person has to work more. It also means we have to call off some of those shifts because we don't have enough people to start the day so you are more likely to have to stay late. It also means fewer people to share the weekend load and to take share the call load. It is awful and not good timing for me, who is so freaking tired right now. It is also putting me in more situations where I am required to do physical things I shouldn't be doing while pregnant.

So this is also creating an added stress to my marriage. Mike is still having to stay home when I am and call. It has increased from 5 times in eight weeks to once a week and that is a BIG problem for him. It also means lost income. We have a potential lead on a high school age babysitter that may be able to stay with us overnight. My mom will also be transferring prisons soon and will be living and working in the same town. And that is only 30 miles away. She has said she can come stay with us during the week and on Sundays now when I am on call. Yes, she drives me nuts but that would be such a huge help. There just always ends up being a problem because eventually her personality gets in the way.

That brings to something else interesting. A month ago I was asked if I would be interested in a job in a doctor's office. The doctor is supposed to come the middle of March so it isn't anyone I have meet or know at all. Monday through Friday job. Eight thirty to five thirty job. HELLO!! This is exactly what I want, right? Yes, and no. The doctor is a physiatrist which is a kind of doctor I have seen not worked with. He is planning on being very busy and doing lots of procedures and actually, even some surgeries. Plus then there is the actual office work. I don't know anything about office work. Doesn't mean I can't learn it all. I may not know the specifics about the procedures yet, but I know that I can do. That is actually why they want an RN. There aren't very many office jobs for RNs which brings us to the primary problem. Pay. I have no idea what the pay cut will be. It doesn't mean I won't apply, once the job is actually posted. It is a friend that works in the same office that told me about this. This doctor is being brought in to better meet the needs of patients her surgeon sees. That surgeon is insanely busy and the new doctor will do some of the studies he currently has to try to fit in because no one else does them. I can see how great it will be for their office. I would actually get to share an office with her even. She knows all about the job and she has influence over who gets hired (her doctor does and he will say whatever she tells him to say). But she is not privy to anything about salary and is concerned that it will be a significant pay cut. There is the biggest problem. The one thing that might really stand in the way. If Mike doesn't have to stay home that will mean less income lost but I am thinking it is probably more like twenty plus thousand dollar pay cut. I hope I am wrong. I just currently make a lot more than just straight pay with overtime, call pay, clinical ladder (added income for all the things you do have done above and beyond), and as a service coordinator. I don't think Mike understands that. I have run numbers with him and he doesn't get it. And of course, we are adding another member to our household so that isn't the best time have a dramatic income decrease.

I have some other concerns that are benefit related that human resources should be able to answer for me but I don't want to put the cart before the horse. This office is part of the hospital system so I will still be under the same highest management but not a hospital employee. So naturally, as someone who is looking to have time off in the not so distant future, I want to make sure my EIBs and PTOs transfer across. I was planning on taking every last second I could off at my current job. I think I would be able to have enough time for 12 weeks. But if I change jobs now? I can't afford to be off without pay. I also have some concerns about how hard it would be for the office for me to be off for 12 weeks. I know that is what the law allows, but I'm sure that would be a problem. Obviously my friend knows and so does the doctor she works for that I am pregnant and don't have a problem with that and me being in the job.

I am also having huge mixed emotions about my job. I do like what I do. It certainly has its problems. But I really like MOST of the doctors I work with. I have put an enormous amount of time, work, and energy into what I do. I do like most of the people I work with. My unit manager has really made efforts to change and we can all tell. Those of us that know how things can be are waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she is doing so much better. I would feel so bad for leaving my coworkers even shorter than they already are. If I get hired for this other job I would have to give four weeks notice. Those would be the most miserable four weeks in my life I'm sure. I could take it, I know. But it really leaves everyone else in a pickle. But it is the late shifts and the call that are really driving me to need to leave for my family. This is huge with my husband. I just don't know. I guess I can't worry about it until I can actually apply for the job and interview and hear the numbers. I'm also afraid that we would have to change daycares if I change jobs, but I'm not even going there right now.

So, on a completely different note! Mike and Jake had a little man to man talk last night. It kills me that Daddy is able to have these talks with Jake and he listens to him!!! I might have to be the enforcer but Daddy can set down the law and he listens. Anyway, the discussion was that Jacob would sleep in his bed the whole night or if he got up like he always does, he would sleep in a sleeping bag on our bedroom floor and not in bed with us. I tried this the night before and it went over in a huge fit, but last night after their talk it worked. He whined a little but he climbed in the sleeping bag and slept there the rest of the night! I couldn't believe it. One step closer to sleeping in his own bed the whole night. It was awesome. Of course, Mike slept through the whole thing. It I wasn't so tired right now, I probably wouldn't have been ably to go back to sleep because I was so excited.

First real appointment

So the appointment went okay. Good news but not super good news. I forgot how much fun OB visit are! Wait. Wait. Wait. Get on a scale. Pee. Wait. Then the good stuff - paper work followed by a pap and std swabs! Of course this process was so much more painful because of the migraine I have today. I haven't had a really bad migraine in awhile. I get them once in awhile but they are thankfully dulled by medicine. Today, there was nothing. At least not until after the visit was finally over because she did give me a prescription for a little something that has helped some. Anyway, my doctor down played the spotting and cramping. She said it is common but I feel so crappy so that is good. She also said that the outside of my cervix was very fragile it started bleeding when she touched it. She said my uterus was nice and big but did want me to have an ultrasound today for my piece of mind. I heard how busy the sonographers were while I was waiting the first time so I knew I was in for a wait. That's fine. So she had them squeeze me between appointments and I only had to wait like another fifteen minutes or so in the waiting room. The waiting room was at least a little quieter by then since my head was throbbing.

So there was one little baby blob and I could see the little heart flutter right away. Very comforting. But there was was this big area that she kept looking at. Unless I am looking at a baby, I don't know what the hell I am seeing. I thought it was my bladder but it wasn't. It was a big collection of blood behind the placenta. So then I had to wait longer to see the doctor again because the sonographer said I really needed to see her again. That is what made me freak. So another wait, but at least this time I got to go into a quite and dark room. It was a procedure room filled with devices of torture but I recognized all of them so I wasn't too worried. Anyway, she came in an told me that this blood happens a lot and isn't usually a problem. She said the baby looks good. She said we will continue to monitor it and that I will probably bleed more. Can't wait. So we just keep going one day at a time like always!

Anyway, the baby had a nice heartbeat of 167 and measured right on. We have our next ultrasound in four weeks. I have bad nausea but don't vomit much. Zo.fran helps a ton. I have no energy but don't nap a lot.

On another subject, I have been thinking of figuring out how to have my blog password protected. It hasn't been an issue until just recently. It is a quiet little blog where I can express myself. I am used to having the occasional stray visitor but something has changed. I have had more hit this year so far than I did all of last year. That wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't keep getting really strange emails and comments that don't mean anything at all. I like to drop in on blogs that are new to me every now and again so it is nice to have access. But getting harassing emails and weird comments gives me the creeps. I realize I have been sharing my private thoughts and feelings with the whole world, but the whole world hasn't noticed so it hasn't been a problem.

scared

cramping and spotting today. appointment tomorrow. wait

What the hell do I know?

So instead of going in and having an ultrasound and biopsy and walking out with a prescription for clom.id I went in peed in a cup and walked out with a prescription for prenatal vitamins and giant folder filled with pregnancy information. So it wasn't a surprise. We had figured it out the weekend before but it was still a shock. We also chucked out the fancy ovulation predictor thing too. We are a bit surprised. I was hoping to keep it to myself for a bit longer but I started throwing up last week. I am reluctant, so I was hoping to wait until my first ultrasound to share the news with everyone. I don't have to be reminded how old I am and how my eggs aren't the greatest any more. I am tired and just feel like barfing all the time even if I'm not throwing up anywhere near as much as I did last time. I have my first OB appointment on the tenth or eleventh. I tried to schedule my next appointment and ultrasound when I scheduled that appointment but the wouldn't let me. I forgot what a nightmare it was scheduling OB appointments around my work schedule.

I am so tired. I had work for only four hours yesterday and I came home and Mike let me sleep for four hours. I've had a really bad cold and that hasn't helped. I've just been pretty miserable for about ten days and it is hard for me to tell what symptoms belong to what. One thing is weird, my nose is plugged but my sense of smell has still gone crazy. Another thing is that my uterus has been so noticeable already. I don't remember that from Jake. I mean it feels like there is a big hard grapefruit in my pelvis. It is especially noticeable when I lay down or if my bladder gets full it is painful. I don't know. I am just not ready to get too excited yet. I'm just waiting for an ultrasound.

What do you think?

We had a subscription to this allergy magazine and I didn't renew it several issues ago. It is a good magazine, but it seems to me they devote more than half of it to Celiac disease. They have really good articles but the recipes make me scratch my head sometimes. I mean they contain so many of the top allergens. Anyway, there was an article about service dogs. There are a couple of places that train dogs to sniff for peanuts. So how crazy is it for me to be seriously considering this? These dogs are so good at this that they can identify books in the library that have been handled by someone that touched peanuts. This would make me feel so much better about sending my child to school. This would totally get my son's ass kicked. Not even mentioning that he is currently allergic to dogs. The waiting list is very long and the dogs are very expensive. One of the two places that happens to train the dogs is actually in Colorado so it isn't even very far away. My husband rolls his eyes, but I don't want my son to die. Am I going overboard? The wait is years. The current cost to train a dog is ten thousand. I know there are children that successfully live with this allergy everyday. I also have seen numbers on how many die and how people don't understand the seriousness of allergies. I don't know how we will be able to send him to play at some one's house. With a dog, you can just do a little once over and know if he can't be there. Peace of mind. An easy to my anxiety. But is it nuts?

Struggling

So this week I did finally fall apart on someone when I was asked when I was going to have another baby. I was already having a difficult day but it was more than I could handle. I burst into tears. I don't remember ever asking anyone that. Do people not realize that in the first place it is none of their damn business??? Let alone that that is kind of very personal? I've had a really hard time coping this week. I just don't know how to handle people. I recently got mad at a friend for bringing up my issues. I don't discuss what is happening with my body its issues with anyone. Not friends or family. People know that I want another child but I don't want to share my issues with them. I have a friend that I know has problems and I listen whenever she needs to talk but I never pester her for "updates." It isn't my business unless she wants to tell me. I think that makes it easier to talk to me when she feels she needs to.

I'm really down and it makes me sad for Jake. I'm trying really hard to give him everything he needs but I'm having a hard time not just laying in a lump in bed or on the couch. I don't want to function the past few days. A lot of crying. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just depressed and truly having trouble doing what needs to be done. I truly came to the realization this week that having one child doesn't make it easier when you want a baby. "At least you have one..." doesn't help. Sure, that child may help keep you busy, but it might almost make the pain worse because you know the love. I feel like I'm doing Jake a disservice. I know I'm being a baby. I know that we were hoping the fertility Gods would look down on us and that January would be the month. I know January isn't over and all, but if I have yet to ovulate since I went off the pill that things aren't looking good. I know I have an appointment not this coming week but the following week for an ultrasound and biopsy of my uterus (not looking forward to that). I know that we will figure out a plan with that. It just sucks. I truly have no energy. I don't sleep well. I am so tired but can't get to sleep and it is so hard to force myself out of bed in the morning. I just don't think my thyroid is off enough to be making me feel this crummy. I don't think it is depression either. I don't know. I will just keep working to make it through each day at a time. I just feel like I have been doing that for so long.

I do get to meet the area's closet RE next week. He happens to be giving a presentation to health care professionals on infertility testing and treatment. He is from about 150 miles away. But he isn't who the OBs refer to. They refer people to a much larger group farther away. That would be a problem for us. Having to go see this doctor would be a problem for us with both our jobs. Mike has no sort of schedule at all and going out of town at all is problem. I know what a struggle it has been to get to the stinking allergist! I just hope the doctor here can help me. I know I am going to have to be using my connections already. Thank goodness I have them I guess. I just don't want to abuse it.

It is occurring to me that it is 2:32 now and I have been up since before 6:30. I have not eaten today. I had some coffee this morning when Jake had breakfast. I suppose I should eat something. It doesn't occur to me to eat when Jake eats because he eats so often.

Happy New Year!

2010 Wow! 2010 already? Time is going so fast! I guess I'm glad to have the holidays done again for another year. We had a good season except that we couldn't make it to be with my family when I actually had the time off work. I guess it wasn't meant to be. We got to be with Mike at least. He came home in the wee hours of Christmas Eve morning and didn't end up going back to work until the 27th I think. It was nice. It was relaxed. The weather was so horrible that no one did anything or went anywhere out in the world. It made it easier to not be off with my family.

Jake was so much fun. We had already opened our presents (and mine had been returned because my husband never listens to me) since Jake and I were supposed to be gone. So Jake got to be the only one and he just had so much fun. He still doesn't get Santa. I mean he saw Santa a few times and can tell us what he got from Santa, but he is too young to wake up super early to see what Santa brought. Actually, he slept until 7 and we were able to let Daddy sleep until 8. He was very excited about his gifts. Santa brought him Handy Manny and his tools and then Manny's tool set also. Oh my goodness. Manny goes with us everywhere. He sleeps with hard plastic Manny. Of course Manny talks so we hear him in the middle of the night. He even calls all the tools by there names. Manny gets his own chair at the table for dinner time even. Thankfully, he hasn't thought of bath time - at least not yet! We've had trains, tools and cars all over our house since Christmas and we don't even mind. He cleans up every night, but he still wants to play with each of his new toys every day.

The best is bedtime though. We rearranged Jake's room to accommodate a new train table and we made a huge deal about his bed. It is still his crib converted to a toddler bed. We haven't manage a twin bed yet. But we have finally been able to get him to walk to his bed and get in it and go to sleep every night since last weekend. That is HUGE. He made it until 6 one morning even. The other nights he comes to our door crying and I let him get in bed then. The earliest that happened was 2, it is usually more like 4 and since my alarm goes off a few minutes before 5 I don't want to fight with making him go back to sleep in his own bed for that short time. Well, not yet anyway. We are very excited about this. He did really well with the potty while we were off too. He doesn't do very well with daycare yet. I think he is just still too busy playing to want to spend the time sitting on the potty. But since it is going fairly well at home they started stepping it up this week. I mean we aren't there at all but he usually doesn't fight with me when I want him to sit on the potty, but he only occasionally tells us when he needs the potty. We will get there. I know he isn't two and half yet, but I am kind of ready to be done with all the darn diapers. I'd much rather be starting a supply of the smaller sizes!

I finally went and got my lab work done yesterday. It looks kind of like what the doctor was guessing. I mean we still have to do the ultrasound and biopsy but it looks like it might not be to terrible. I don't know that for sure yet. I didn't get to talk to her, but I got the numbers. Nothing was truly abnormal but there were some key fringes. My thyroid is still working but it is only a tenth off the cut off. My prolactin was still normal but it was a point below the top. My hemoglobin and hematacrit are hovering at the bottom from Aunt Flo's terrible visits. So we wills see what we get from the rest of the tests later this month but it looks like a little work with the thyroid might help the prolactin come down a little. A bump with the thyroid would help get some energy and get a few pounds off and drop the estrogen levels a little and then I might just ovulate, since I'm not. Clomid or no Clomid? She was leaning towards it the last time we talked. The best things was that I passed the glucose tolerance test with flying colors. There isn't any diabetes in my family, which is surprising since I come from fatties but there isn't (yet). She was concerned about PCOS with my problems but the glucose test going so well makes that seem less likely. I was just really afraid about that. I am not ready to deal with a diagnosis of type II diabetes! But I guess it is better to deal with it than have it and not! I worry about that with Mike. He doesn't really have any strong symptoms, but he is more than a couple pounds overweight and so many people in his family have it. I think his sister was diagnosed in her early to mid twenties. So anyway, I was really worried what the labs would (or wouldn't) show and it turned out pretty well.

Thoughts

I hope everyone has had a good Christmas. Ours wasn't as planned but worked out well. I will hopefully post on that soon. I have been pushing some thoughts to the back of mine mind to deal with next month. Of course that is only next week. Last week I finally saw a doctor, sort of. The doctor, a friend of mine, was finished early and I was in her room. So I asked her if I could talk to her because I am having some problems and I don't know where I should start. We talked for a good long while and we developed a plan. First a bunch of blood work and an ultrasound and biopsy in a few weeks. I am having very mixed feelings. I feel better knowing that I finally have someone to help me with whatever the hell is going on with my body. I also would like to continue to believe nothing is really wrong and everything will be fine in a minute or it is just stress. I realize I need to get my body in order and that will help me cope with everything else.


I am a little mixed about my choice of doctors. I didn't know who to talk to so I talked to someone I know pretty well. I don't know if I want her to know how crazy I really. She wouldn't be my first choice for some things but I think she is an excellent diagnostician. She really delves into things and goes to whomever she needs to get help if she needs it. She is also my age and her sons play with my son every day. That is her job though right. I'm just nervous. I want to get it all over and figure out what we can do to get Jake a sibling that he says he doesn't want!

Not so merry at the moment

So I've complained about my mom before, a lot actually. She has issues. She is very lonely but has done many things to isolate herself and push away the people around her. But she also really likes to draw attention to herself, particularly if someone else is getting attention. There is a long history of her having... fits at important events or such. She is always late for family events so as to make everyone wait and to draw attention when she finally makes a big entrance. She always wants to help, say, sew something that is important but not have it done when it needs to be. Critical items, like the dress I wore in my sister's wedding. We were all waiting for her and my dress. She showed up almost an hour late. The dress still wasn't finished and she wasn't dressed and ready. My sister's SIL had to sew me into the dress, literally. There were several, SEVERAL tantrums during my wedding. She refuses to participate. She ironed through the rehearsal. She was late and we had to wait on pictures even after the photographer rearranged his detailed schedule. He was not happy and I think it showed in our pictures. We almost had to delay the damn wedding. She gets sick and wallows in her illness. She misses tons of work.

So the actual issue at hand? We are all (my mom, my aunt, Jake and I) supposed to go to my sister's house for Christmas. Mike has to work and doesn't want me to go. Still having issues there. But my mom threw a fit! A hissy of monster proportions because my sister wants my aunt and my mom to stay in a hotel. My sister has one guest bedroom. I know her house is huge and has a lot of rooms, but there really isn't a place to put people. My mom and my aunt are extremely loud. My aunt never had children and my mom is obviously many years removed from having young children. She doesn't get how hard it is to try to keep a little order in their lives while there is company. It was a little hard when we were down there this fall. When my sister visits anywhere she usually stays in a hotel. There are five of them. They need to be able to put the boys behind closed doors to sleep, not in the middle of a main room floor. (one would be fine. the second is pushing it, but the third is too little still). Besides is my mom going to sleep on the top bunk or my aunt? Anyway, my mom has gotten ugly. She was supposed to take my aunt. Now my aunt wants me to take her but I'm still on the line to go. I still have to work on Mike. I don't want to be away from him. I don't want him to be away from Jake. I don't want to miss my family and I'm sick of holidays with his family. They just don't feel right.

Anyway, my mom won't talk to anyone, but she will send horrible emails. Mean, mean. She tried to raise her children right, but she doesn't know where she went so wrong to end up with children like this. What did she ever do to deserve such horrible daughters? She has yet to actually come at me, but it is coming. It has been directed toward my aunt and my sister so far. Ugly, ugly, ugly to my sister. My sister doesn't come up to the area we live often. She never lived here so it isn't home. There are five of them to try and coordinate. There is one of my mom to travel. My sister has paid several times for my mom to fly down to visit her. My mom complains about it. I paid to fly my mom down once, she just bitched about it. She hasn't seen my nephews since July 2007. She was mean to them. She made them cry! I do go visit my sister without including my mom. I can't drive down there with her. I would kill her. I would be mad the whole damn time. It is my vacation, right?

I don't know what to do. I mean this is totally my mom. She has done what she can to ruin the holiday for everyone. She got the attention she felt like she wasn't getting. It has gotten bad a few times before but this is truly ugly. My mom can be down right mean and that is what she is doing. She is a therapist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do. I may whine a lot and complain, a lot, but this is actually scary to me. I don't know how this can be worked through or past.

I forgot to mention that my sister is having surgery the Monday before Christmas but was still having everyone come. It isn't outpatient either. She will hopefully only spend one night, but still. That should be reason enough for people to give her some damn space! I am reluctant to go myself just for the added stress of company because I know it is hard. She is hoping to be feeling great two days after the surgery when people are supposed to be getting there but I am doubtful.

My happiness

I bitch and whine a lot but that is because I need to vent about the stresses in life. But there is so much good too. There are a lot of temper tantrums at the moment and frustration all around right now, but there is so much happiness. I am really enjoying Jake right now. He is so much fun. He is just so much more interactive now. We can really do things together. He is so smart too. I am shocked at his ability to problem solve! (I swear he is better many men I am around and thinking through things). He is so darn cute and he flashes a big smile to get his way. He is a total cheese when he sees a camera. It is terrible to try to take a picture of him right now. He talks my leg off! I can't believe how much he says and how long he goes. He still says a lot of things that I can't understand and he most definitely gets frustrated with me because I'm not on the same page. He tries to show me what he is saying that I can get which is helpful. I do get a lot of "dis, Mama" or "dat, Mama" when he is showing me around. But I swear there are some Duh Mama's in there.

He is a terrible flirt. Terrible. He is also very loving and asks for hugs and kisses all the time. He is not particularly gentle though. He's a bit of a brute actually and bossy too.

He is so good at helping his Mama. He wants to do it himself though. He was trying to reach something in the kitchen one day and I told him to go get his step. He always uses his step to get into the monster toy box but now he has figured out that it is his key to the world "up there"

He had his first Christmas program tonight and it went okay. The two's were a little too young to really get into it. But they tried. He made it about half way before he got bored and then ended up bonking his head on the microphone and sitting down on the floor with one of his teachers. He was literally the smallest of the children and he was just so cute.

We have made some progress in sleeping. Although he is passed out in the middle of the living room here, he almost always walks to bed now. However, this is where he sleeps. He won't sleep in his bed (his converted crib). He will play in it and lay down while he is playing but her won't sleep there. He will sleep in his chair in my room. At some point most nights he gets in bed with me but it isn't all night anymore and he goes to bed awake! I don't think he likes being alone to sleep, plus I think his room is noisy at night. The wind is pretty noisy. We are going to get him a big bed after we recover from Christmas. He is eating some food too. Food that little kids eat! He at two, TWO, hot dogs last night. Now, I don't think that is the greatest food (being so healthy and all) but it is a normal thing to eat and he is eating it! I'm proud of him though.

I adore my little guy and I'm sad I can't spend more good times with him. We have our moments when I am willing to pay someone to take him, but I just look forward to our time so much.

Well...

Okay, I need to back off a little. I am extremely thankful to say that Jake is over his milk allergy and they "think" he is over his egg allergy. However, it is going to take some time before he can just eat both if everything goes well. His back is still a mess from his skin testing Wednesday. His got additional drugs and increased his existing meds. We are supposed to wait until all is calm and then start the dairy. Bad parents we are, we have given him some already (he is on the new doses though). I have added 2%milk to his rice milk once a yesterday and once today. I have given him one of his favorite things in addition to that. It sounds like he is saying "wickert" but what he is jumping up and down and hollering for is yogurt. He LOVES yogurt. I got him some of the little bitty kid cups but I know he wants a whole carton. I thought we should go small for awhile. We tried giving him yogurt awhile back and we thought it was making his cheeks break out. Supposedly, that isn't it. They told us now it happens if he gets a lot of soy. That presents some significant issues. But if we can have eggs and dairy it should be a bit easier to cut the soy back. Soy is in practically everything packaged or ready-made of course! But now I should have an easier time trying to make things he can eat. I do most of my cooking from scratch so it is easier to control the ingredients.

So I feel a little bit bad for being so mad at the grandparents. I did make sure that they understood that they still can't just feed him whatever they want. This is going to take awhile to make sure he won't react to these things and to get his body used to dairy. His poor digestive system doesn't know how to handle it yet. Okay, but there is still the peanut portion of my irritation with Grandma. Mike talked to his dad and it didn't really go that well. Jake had such a bad skin reaction to the dilute peanut serum. They nurse and the PA doing the testing brought several other nurses in to look at his back because his reactions were so severe. Just a little education. That is fine. I just felt so miserable for him. The process hurt him and then the allergic response made his whole back go nuts. Now his back is covered in eczema and little scratch marks.

So, as I was saying, Mike talked to his dad about the peanuts. He was sorry they left the cup out. They never leave Jake alone so it isn't a problem. Mike told him that obviously it is a problem because even if they are in the same room with him, if he finds a cup of peanuts it is too late to prevent it. He is a little speed demon. Mike pointed out that he will have picked them up and have one or more in his mouth before they even realize what he has. We all know how they get something you don't see and put it in their mouths. We have all fished something out of baby mouths. Mike told his dad that they can no longer have peanuts in their house. That went over with Mike's mom like a ton of bricks. My suggestion had been that the peanuts/peanut butter need to be up on the top shelf in the cupboard not down at Jake's eye level like they are now. They still can't eat them when he is there and they have to make sure and clean everything up right then and there. Mike said absolutely not. No peanuts at all. He acknowledges that it is just too much for his mother to have to do to get it right. (okay, he said "you know she isn't smart enough to handle it" but I feel bad writing it even if it is true). Poor Mike got yelled at enough that he has given up trying to bring peanut butter M&Ms in the house in his lunch box from work. I admit that both Mike and I will indulge in our love of peanut butter when we are not at home and it will be a long time before we will be around Jake. It just isn't worth the risk to have the allergen around Jake. But grandma eats a lot of peanuts. A lot. A lot of candy containing peanut butter too (goes well with her diabetes and all). I'm not sure how this is going to work out. Mike may not let Jake go over there at all, ever. That helps our problem.

I had such a bad day at work Friday that had my boss been there I would have quit. I suppose it was in my favor she wasn't though, huh. I am a service coordinator for plastics and gynecology right? Well, my favorite charge nurse is the one that makes our room assignments every day. I don't ever get to be in my services. We have one plastic surgeon and she has one scheduled day a week in the OR. I get to work with her maybe every three weeks. But there is gynecologic surgery four days a week at least. I have not done a case in more than a month. I think it is very hard to do your job if you never get to work in the specialties. You are completely reliant on what others tell you/ask of you. If your coworkers don't tell you something needs to be changed on a card it can't happen. So then if the doctor decides to change something and tells the people they are working with and they don't pass it along, then next week when they want to do it exactly like they did it last week no ones. Then the doctor is pissed. Another issue we have is making sure a surgery gets scheduled in the computer for the right actual procedure. When the person puts it in the computer they have to match it up to a card. That card tells the people who pull the case what to pull and the people who do the case what they need and what to do. Well, if you don't match up a surgery to the right card it is a huge problem. It wastes a lot of people's time and it causes a lot of frustration. It also costs money. Supplies always end up getting wasted then. Well, Friday I got my ass chewed the entire time I gave a lunch to a coworker in the room where the plastic surgeon was working. She barely took a breath. There was nothing I could say or do, she just wanted to be mad at someone. Making sure what is on her cards is right is my job. I don't know how to get the people that schedule to get the right cards. I have tried and tried. I have told them to ask me. I have explained and explained. I finally have the ability to go in and change it in the computer but that is something that is very hard for me to do when I am in cases all day. We finally got permission to get slight overtime to work on some of our service coordinator duties. We can have one hour a week. That is something, but really need one day a week (not overtime, just a regular day) but we don't have the staff. Anyway, I was ready to quit after my ass chewing because I have been so frustrated about never getting to be in my own services. I'm so glad I got a warm welcome when I got there. Can't wait to work with her tomorrow because it is my once every three weeks!

Last but not least, Jake is allergic to the dogs and the cat. For this moment we aren't going to do anything. The dogs don't come in the house. The cat is almost fifteen. She isn't allowed in the bedroom and that is the biggest recommendation besides getting rid of her. My hormones are all over the place and that doesn't help with any of this. I am finally doing better. The pneumonia is gone. Still coughing, but a lot less. My energy is a lot better. I just feel like I am on the verge of tears a lot. I suppose that is why my ass is so big.

Frustration

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. Ours was there. I was sick. I am sicker than I was last week when I went to the dr. I felt better for a few days because of the big old shot of steroids and then the dose pack, but now not so good. I had a fever most of the day yesterday and again today. I went back to the doctor, you know, after I got out of work early today and got stronger antibiotics and better cough medicine. I have coughed my self into some strained muscles along my ribs and into back spasms. What freaking fun! That isn't my actual issue however.

We went to my in laws yesterday to eat. Mike was actually home and went and then it was just them and Jake and me. We ate during nap time. Oh wait, we had to keep the boy up. Thank goodness I feed him lunch because there was nothing for him to eat. He is FINALLY interested in real food, some. He wouldn't touch the turkey. He wanted green bean casserole. Luckily she had some beans in the cupboard still. The chewed on a radish for awhile. He basically ate a few green beans and some crackers. We have known Jake's allergies since he was 8 months or a little less right? Grandpa wanted to give him the casserole. No, I said. He wanted to give him the mashed potatoes Jake wanted. No, Grandpa I said. Grandma wanted to give him the stuffing. Where is package I asked. Did you use butter in it like the directions say? Oh, says Grandma. Grandpa hands him a roll. Where is the bag, I ask. Nope, not that either. Well can he have the green salad, Gpa asks. I turn and look at him and say No! (it gag worthy anyway but it is made with cottage cheese). Hello??? When I went to take the roll away I looked at their bread, nope, it has milk. I know I am not handling this as well as I might because I really don't feel good, but come on people! They pick him up from daycare and FEED him. Now, to my knowledge, they give him crackers, baby food that I buy, and fruit. I have actually been grateful he won't eat food there. Apparently I am going to have to pack him a dinner on the days they have to pick him up. They just don't get it.

However, the icing on the cake, the thing that sent me home crying, the reason that I believe these people are idiots... sitting on an end table in the living room where Jake plays was a cup of m&m's and PEANUTS. I know it isn't the end of the world if Jake gets a little dairy. Milk still gives him eczema. But peanuts could KILL him. Obviously they don't understand that I am absolutely terrified of the world out there and my child's peanut allergy. I have to work hard not to think about it and just do everything I can to control his environment. I am working very hard to not let the anxiety in the back of my mind over this allergy to freak me out. I have thought about changing my job to something I can do from home. I have given it thought to actually home school my son when the time comes. I think that is a great thing for some people. I mean I really give those parents (okay we know it is mostly mothers) credit. I couldn't do it. We would be butting heads and I would be going insane. I get frustrated to easily. I am not a teacher and I think there is a special place in heaven for teachers and those who care work in daycare. I can't imagine being in a room full of two year olds, three year olds, four year olds, whatever. I know I couldn't handle that, but I am terrified of the world out there when my son has a life-threatening allergy. I can not control the whole world, but I should be able to count on his damn grandparents! The f***ing peanuts are right next to his crackers in the cupboard. The f***ing peanut butter is next to his baby food. He goes to the cupboard for his stuff! I should be able to count on his grandparents to not be idiots. I have tried education. I have expressed to them the severity of the allergy. They have and epipen and had to learn how to use it.

I didn't even bring it up with Mike after we got home. We went in separate cars and he went to work as soon as we came home so he didn't notice I had been crying. I don't know how to solve this. They are always going to be his grandparents and apparently they are going to be idiots. I have looked into different daycare options. I can't find anything that fits our need. We can't afford to pay someone $10 an hour to watch him in addition to his regular daycare. There is not one actual daycare that is open late enough. Plus, sometimes I have to stay late. Overtime is mandatory and not scheduled. Mike is gone there is nothing he can do. I have considered giving room and board and paying a college student to watch him but I can't find one. I almost had one. Almost, but that is only temporary anyway. I have asked at daycare if there is anyone interested but there isn't. Duh, they want to leave work too. It comes back to me. To my job. Or Mike's job. If I could find an office/case management/ education kind of job, I would have to take a huge pay cut. That would be hard but we could figure something out. But there hasn't been anything. I can't really afford a 20 thousand dollar pay cut either. Especially since there is still instability with Mike's job. If he loses his job than maybe he could find something with normal hours but the job market is so terrible here and he won't move. I don't know what to pray for! I wish a nanny that refuses pay would drop out of the sky for us. I think I need to talk to my minister again. I keep hoping that someone will present them self to her that will fit our needs. I have put it out there to many people. I mean we obviously will have to cough up the cash if we could just find someone because we just can't count on his grandparents. They won't watch him overnight when I am on call either so that is a problem as well. But I can't really trust them anyway! Mike doesn't get it either because when we have problems with our actual daycare he is quick to say that we could pay his mom to watch Jake.

BTW, the dumbass coworker was finished yesterday and so far the charge hasn't freaked out and retaliated. I know the boss talked to her after so many people talked. I know I have had some bad assignments lately but I think work just sucks right now. I think some people have worse assignments than I do.

Really?

I know that I am in a funk, okay, a depression right now. I am working to pick my self up and enjoy this time of year. I know I need to do a better job of enjoying all my time with Jake. I know once the time is past it is past so I need to do better about taking in the moment. Anyway, that isn't my beef. Right now my personal issue with everyone is to think or just shut their freaking mouths. I will probably explode on the next person who says "don't you think you should be thinking about a second one now?" I have been sick, really sick. I have had a cough for more than four weeks that turned into pneumonia last week. I just had a cough, a dry annoying cough so I didn't go to the Dr until I got sick. Well, this week I had a couple of really rough days at work. I mean I was light headed, diaphoretic, just not looking so good - a combination of being sick and being anemic from AF. I believe I was asked about 100 times, seriously, if I was pregnant. I just can't take it.

Can't people mind their own f'ing business. I mean, I don't know if I am going to yell or burst into tears. I mean you just can't sit down and discuss your reproductive issues with everyone. Maybe I should and they would get the point to back off. People just don't get it. I know my issues are much less significant than others but I'm certainly not one of those people that gets pregnant without trying. I'm scared, I guess. What if it takes a year again? What if we have to do more? How am I going to be able to deal with these people??? For crapsake, yesterday the people giving me a hard time were friends - an OB and a nurse for the GYN that specializes in infertility. What if? What if? What if? My little mind is so fragile right now, but time is not my friend (as I was reminded) and I can't take anymore time to try to straighten myself out. I'm scared. I don't know what to do, but I do know that the next person that says something to me might really regret it!!!

Hell to pay????

I think we all might be in trouble at work. Friday and Monday our Unit Manager (charge nurse+) and another nurse that we don't actually know what she does (her title is supervisor of the aides or something) were gone. Oh and the director was gone Friday too. Crap to me that I was on call and the charge for the day. It was a bad day. The nurse in charge of the aides made a very poor decision to leave someone who has been here for like a month on her own to take the only aide with experience to a meeting. Not good. Not good at all. We didn't even have any extra nurses to help her until afternoon. We are lucky she came back!

Anyway, that just has me pissed what I am worried about is the boss. We have meetings every Monday morning to help educate us staff. That is good, most of the time. Our presentation was very short this week so we sat and talked because we could. All the people you have to worry about what you say were gone. People could speak freely about how stressful our charge makes everything and how in her attempts to make things go well, we are actually getting screwed. We also all realized that we don't know what this other nurse actually does all day everyday and she stays for hours and hours of overtime when we are in a time of very tight money. We all talked about talking to our new boss and our fear for retaliation from our charge. It is horrible to live in fear of what awful things the person in power over you will do to you. It is awful. There are some newer people that don't know the hell you pay and don't understand why us old timers don't demand change. They know how she is, they just have never experienced months or years of torture.

I was in a room all day until I left early because of a call from daycare that Jake had a temp of 103. He did still when I got home too (Mike went to get him). Poor boy. Anyway, I understand that after our morning meeting that many people went to the boss's office and were in there for hours. Some went as individuals and some went as groups. I know the boss was aware of our fears of the charge nurse, but I don't think any of us ever talked to her before. I don't know what we would. I don't know what we can do. Someone has to be in charge. She also is doing a ton of stuff that she didn't do before we got this boss. When someone else is in charge we just run the desk. We don't do all her "other" stuff. Well, when she is gone for any length of time, it has always been the nurse that we now don't know what she does that would be in charge day after day. Well, in the past, she might have been a good candidate for the job, but now she does not have the respect of the staff. Not at all.

I am very afraid the can of worms we thought we were opening was a actually a bottomless snake pit! I didn't say anything, but I will stand behind my coworkers that did because whatever they said is true. And as bad as moral was for awhile, we have all realized it is worse now. We are looking at the holiday schedule and there is no one to work. It is bad. We won't have many late shifts so people can go home at a decent time. The end of the year is always when we do the most surgeries. People have met their deductibles and want to get it done and don't care what time or day of the week. Doctors are grateful for the business and will work us to death. Each doctor only sees their own needs or how some other doctor is standing in the way of their needs. They don't see or care if they are burning out all the staff by keeping four or five rooms going until seven, eight, nine at night. We just aren't staffed for that. I am scared. We have already had some huge fights at my house over our work schedule. With impending cuts with the railroad, I really have to keep my job! It is just a big problem right now. I'm scared, but my family is more important than my job. However, we do have to eat and have a place to live.

Some pictures finally

Finally some pictures from our trip to my sister's house. I decided I needed to get them onto the computer at last! I am terrible about erasing pictures from my camera and it was sad! I got this camera for Christmas last year. Poor my Jake has changed. The baby has sure come out off his face. Makes me sad to see how fast he is growing up!

Here is Jake with his cousins at Balloon Fiesta. He loved it. LOVED it. Only Ethan and Sam went with us. Ben is still afraid of the burners so he stayed home with his dad.
We got to have a lot of fun with Aunt Suzi while the boys were at school. Here we were at the aquarium. Kind of hard to take pictures though
We also got to go to Explora a kids science museum and it was great fun for Jake and us. He is controlling one of the water sprays on a two story interactive fountain here.
Here is an air table where you put nails in the holes and it increases the force of the air in the other holes. I think we all could have played with it all day.

I thought the bubbles would be his favorite part but I was surprised. He was done pretty early and my sister and I wanted to keep playing
He loved helping Aunt Suzi vacuum!
I tried and tried to get a picture with all the boys and mine wouldn't cooperate. He was having none of it but his cousins were really good!
He had a lot of fun playing with the boys. He loved all their toys and all the space they have to play.

He stacked these cans in my sister's window forever. Unfortunately, I did have to listen to some sisterly advise on parenting. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know was a problem. Jake's sleep is still a nightmare. It is almost impossible to get him to go to his bed, lay down and go to sleep. He will go lay down in his chair in my room and go to sleep and then get in bed with us at some point. He will lay down in the living room and go to sleep so you have to carry him to bed. He still screams and throws up for hours. We need to have a better schedule. I know this but it is damn near impossible with our jobs. Daddy goes to work at all hours of the night and day. I have three different shifts I work plus call and I literally don't know from day to day when I will be picking him up. In addition, he gets picked up by Grandma or Grandpa when I have to work late so he is at their house too which always throws a wrench in his schedule. I'm sorry I'm not a SAHM or have a job with normal hours too or have Mike's job have any schedule what so ever at all. It would make a schedule for Jake a heck of a lot easier! It makes me not want to see my sister again until Jake's sleep is better and I have no idea how long that will take. I mean it is a little better because he doesn't have to be rocked to sleep anymore.
Jacob has a new uncle! Mike's parents had to put their dog to sleep because he had lung cancer. His dad's way of dealing with that is to immediately get a new dog. Well, he had to wait about two weeks to pick up his puppy and those two weeks were hell. He was so depressed he had trouble getting out of bed. Now that MJ is here he is a different man. I don't understand the name MJ nor do I like it. I've just been calling him puppy like Jake. Jake wants to play with him so bad and the puppy wants to play with Jake but is smart enough to know better. He will run out and take a swipe at Jake and then run back to the safety of an adult. It won't be long and Jake will be experiencing those razor sharp teeth.

Jake did not so much like Halloween. He wore his costume just fine but not the going to the houses business. We didn't even go door-to-door. I am going to have to have another person with me that can go ahead and plant Jake-safe treats or stay with him so I can scope it out. We just went to friends and he cried at almost every stop. He did not like having a bag and he wanted to eat everything right then and there. I couldn't even get a picture of him until we got to the grandparent's because was so grouchy.