I'm less whiny today. I am tired, but I am going to make it. I went to work late today and I did have a stretch of about 45 minutes at work where I was scared to death, but other than that the day was good. We were told we had a trauma coming in and that it was a child. We generally send someone down to the ED to figure out what is going on and what role we will play. I went down there and before the child was even there I was being sent back upstairs to prepare for a craniotomy. Opening some one's head is scary all the time. These are very serious cases and things have to move very quickly because time is extremely important. Then when you make the patient a child it makes it at least a hundred times worse. I am not able to move as fast as I would like right now, especially in a crisis. When I do rush around I have contractions. This is why I thought i should stop taking call a while ago. I was very scared because this was one of the worst case scenarios that I have been fearing would occur. The good news was that the child wasn't hurt as severely as we were originally informed. Wonderful news for the child and for me as well!

I heard so absolutely horrible news at work today and I am very upset. I feel terrible because I didn't know there was anything going on at all. One of the nurses in the PACU has a baby that is about six months old. He was a HUGE baby at birth and she had to have a c-section. Well, he hasn't been doing very well I guess. I heard today that he is only 13 pounds right now!!! She keeps telling her doctor something has been wrong and I guess they didn't see there was a problem until now. He is going through a battery of tests but right now on the top of the list is leukemia!!! I am just devastated for her. She had two miscarriages before she got this little guy and now this. I just can't imagine. Cancer is horrible always, but it should never happen to a child let a lone a baby. I just can't believe this. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens, but right now none of the possibilities are good. Please God, help this little boy!

Well...grrr!

I went to my in laws house today and I was given some invitations for my shower by my SIL and I am none too happy. I know they want to do something nice for me. But I also know that this is really about them. I have accepted that and am willing to proceed. I, however, am pissed because on the back side of this invitation it says the shower is at my MIL house. I really thought I had her convinced that wasn't a good idea. She now expects my husband to stay home from work and set everything up and pay for rentals!!! I am very glad he had gone to work when I came home so pissed. He did call however, and got an ear full. He agrees that he will NOT be staying home from work to set anything up. He will help if he is home. That had better be the case. If he stays home from work for this I will be so angry and at this point I can't suck it up very well and behave for the guests.

We had a little discussion last night and my husband had the paper in hand that shows how much money he really can make if he goes to work when he is allowed. Obviously there have been a lot things that have happened out of our control as far as his work. We can't help what they do, but he can go to work when he is supposed to. I think he is finally starting to see the bigger picture a bit better. I know there have been times that I want him to stay home so we can spend time together. His friend that drives me nuts so much has had a couple of good job opportunities come up and his friend doesn't seem to get it. I think Mike has made some realizations seeing his friend be such a dumb ass! He calls Mike to tell him about these opportunities and then tells him how he thinks he will do something else instead. Mike had tried to help him get these opportunities. Mike keeps trying to tell him to look at what is best for his family in the long run and I think Mike is finally seeing that he needs to look at what is going on with his own family in the long run. We will see how this works out, but right now my husband seems to have realized that he is a grown up with grown up responsibilities. Wow! I feel like I should thank his friend for being such a slug!

Good news! Our crib came today after being ordered for a couple of months at least. The box is sitting in Jake's room just waiting for his daddy to come home and put it together. Mike is really looking forward to that too! I had to bite his ear off over the phone today to get him to go pick the crib up because he wanted to leave it at the store until he comes back from this trip. I didn't want to give anyone the chance to make a mistake and send it back.

I am still frustrated. I wish that my MIL and SIL would have just taken half the money they are spending on the shower and bought us a nice gift instead. Mike actually brought this up yesterday while he was cooking dinner. He said that most people's parents give them something really nice for the grandchild. Like maybe the crib or something else substantial. I understand how he was feeling. It would be nice for just once to come from a family where your parents can financially help you instead of the other way around. Just one time. The thing that really bothers us is the expectation. We don't mind paying for somethings, but it isn't like we have a lot of money. We struggle too, but we do make more money. I just don't think we should have to be paying for a baby shower that is being thrown for us. We don't want them to do something they can't afford, nor do we want them to do something we can't afford. I guess I just want to get it over with and move on!

I made it!

It could have been much worse, but it could have been better. We worked until about noon yesterday and then didn't get a call to go back in until 2317. I was dead asleep. I was having really weird dreams about flying and being chased. Hmm... wonder what I was reading before I fell asleep??

The bad thing was that it was for an ectopic pregnancy. It made me sad and I felt bad having to go get her and bring her to surgery with my giant belly in her face. Ruptured ectopic pregnancies can truly be life threatening. There can be a tremendous amount of blood loss into the belly in a short period of time. This is was one of the worst ones I have seen. I was extremely glad that my OB was the one doing the surgery. He is the very best we have and excellent at his job. Our other OB's are good, but everyone involved was relieved he was the doctor doing the surgery with the seriousness of the situation. He is so calm and never gets to excited. He does get whiny about things but I have NEVER seen him loss his cool in a harried situation. That is part of why he is MY doctor.

So we left at 0200 this morning and had to go back to work at 0630. Have I mentioned before how much my charge nurse pisses me off?? There were more Rn's not in rooms are there were rooms running. There was absolutely no reason I should have even had to come to work today. I should not have had to stay until my room was finished a little after 1300 because an additional three Rn's came in as late shifts. What a bitch! I have so much stuff I need to do as a coordinator for both GYN and Plastics and I had to be in a room. That was just ridiculous!

Not another call for at least ten weeks. I am so looking forward to that! I am so stinking tired but it is too hot to sleep. My back is just killing me so much of the time now. It is so hard to breathe. Jake just feels huge. My belly is huge! I gained four pounds this last time from one ob visit to the next (that was three weeks) and I feel like it was all in my face. My face has always been round, but holy crap is it worse. I am having a lot more trouble talking again right now and I don't know if it is because of the muscles that are currently trying to regain function or because of the added fat to the already weak side of my face. It is very frustrating, because things had been doing better, well, kind of at least.

I just keep wondering how much longer I am going to be able to make this. I can't bend over any more. I am so stinking hot. I am uncomfortable most of the time. And yet I am still hoping that I will make it three more weeks. I don't know I will be able to live with myself by then, but it will make things easier for us if I can make it to 39 weeks. I'm still believe that my body will hold on to this child for longer than that, like 41 weeks or so, but I don't know about my sanity! I can't help but worrying about so many things. I have been having a lot of bad dreams again and I don't want eat anything that is good for me except fruit. I am so worried about getting things done at work and my boss and charge nurse aren't helping. I sure wish I didn't have to go back! When my husband actually can and does work he really does get paid well. I can just see that we won't be able to count on what amount his checks will be for a long, long time. Well, I need to waddle my fat ass up the basement stairs (which is getting extremely hard to do) and go to the bathroom before Jake bouncing around in there makes me pee myself!

Last call!

I am in the middle of my last weekend of call. I was just sure I wouldn't be forced to take this Friday night call, Saturday home on call, and then 24 hours of Sunday call. I was sure, but here I am in the middle of it! We had to work until a little after 2300 last night and then we didn't have to go back in thank God. I am so tired after just my regular 8 hours! Today, I am supposed to be the backup emergency only crew until 1500. There have only been enough RN's on my weekend for me to even have that be a scheduling possibility for a year now. We have a rotation that shifts every month and I have had this particular weekend shift four times in that past year. Today was the closest I actually got to not having to go in. All the other times I knew I had to be there right at the start of the day. Today, on the other hand, I got called in a few minutes after 7! That was all right, I guess. I was only one of my crew that was already up and getting about for the day. The others were a bit crabbier about having to come in. I had taken the dogs each out and I was in the shower when the call came. The only thing I was upset about was that I wanted to go to Target first when they opened this morning and get the new Har.ry P*tter book. Starting with the third book, I have always been there first thing the morning after the midnight release to get my book at Target. I knew they wouldn't run out, but it is a ritual and I am a ritualistic person. We were able to leave work just before noon and then I went and got my book and a few other things too. I really need to go to the grocery store, but I am technically still on call until 1500 and, here is the biggy, I don't want to go. I don't care if I don't have any milk or bread or pretty much anything at all.

I will tell you what I do have. My stroller is out of its box and finally assembled. I have a car seat with two bases that has been figured out. I have a painted nursery with carpet that was freshly cleaned yesterday. I have a lovely changing table piled up with stuff to keep it off the carpet. I also have a crib that is actually off of back order and on its way to me! I also have a number of decorations that are on the way or waiting to be put up. I still need to find someone to make curtains for me. I can't seem to find the fabric I want to get something made and I can find nothing that already is made that fits the stupid window in this house. I also need to find someone to make those curtains. I tried to ask a friend yesterday, but she had to go before I could get her asked. I'm starting to feel a little better about things. My husband has even gone off to work. He got pushed around AGAIN on the work board and was home for at least three extra days. But he got the painting done and the carpet cleaned in that time so I won't complain. Oh, he also did another very important thing last night. The door to the nursery stuck at the top and to get it open and closed it would make a loud noise. The kind that would wake a baby you just finally got off to sleep. He shaved that so now it opens and closes silently with ease!

Things are coming together a bit. We still need so much stuff. I'm not being able to clean the whole house as well as I usually do and there seem to be things collecting everywhere. (many of them are things my husband took out of the now nursery). I'm too tired to care! I can't keep up with the weeds outside either. I can only bend to get one or two and that is all I can handle. The weather is kicking my butt as well. It is hot. Summer is usually hot here and it doesn't seem worse than usual. But I don't remember any summer here ever being this stinking humid! That is one of the nice things about our climate is that it isn't as stinking humid as the eastern part of our state. We are regularly seeing humidity in the 60's and 70's. The temperature really does cool off at night, but the humidity soars and it doesn't do a damn bit of good to get cool. Sleeping has been miserable.

Well, I think I will park myself in the chair and start reading. I hope my eye doesn't give me too much trouble. I have been worried about being able to read this book since I started having trouble with my eye. I'll have to make it work somehow. Hopefully, I don't have to work though. I am praying that tomorrow is quiet and I get a bit of a break from work. Please! I really need it physically for sure.

Oh, I got my official call yesterday verifying that I do have my daycare slot and they just wanted to make sure I still wanted it because there are other people that want it if I don't. I have been on the damn waiting list for... 21 weeks now. Yes, I want it!! She badly wanted Jake's name too, but I said we aren't telling yet. I can't give that information out, not even at my own church! I have been strong in not telling anyone and my husband claims he hasn't. All I can do is take him at his word, but sometimes I wonder if he hasn't let it out... to someone.

35 weeks

Thirty five weeks and thirty five days to go. I am going to make it. I know I can do it. Every other woman can do it right? I can do this. I will just keep telling myself that. My appointment went well today. I was hoping that I was going to get away without having a vag exam since I wasn't actually supposed to start those until next week. I did shave my legs just in case. Since I had one last week they wanted to do one this week as well. So much for one more week! They did my beta strep test too this week since Jake is so big and I am contracting so much. Although that has been so much better. But, I haven't been at work for four days! I will say, I prefer the NP's much smaller hands than my OB's. Yikes! No change there from last week.

I had a huge weight gain since my visit 3 weeks ago. Six pounds!!! That brings to one pound below my weight at my first visit. However, I really had to pee when I was weighed and I sadly constipated from our trip out of town. We will see what next week brings. My blood pressure was really good again. Amazing how it is a lot lower when I'm not working. I try to take it myself everyday, although I have not taken it when I am having a crappy day. My doctor knows I have been doing this and now wants me to take it two to three times everyday I work.

I am finally getting my massage in about an hour. I can't wait! My back feels a bit better after sleeping in my own bed last night, but it still hurts. Imagine that! After that I am going to meet with the new plastic surgeon that has now started doing cases with us. I really want to get things off to a good start before I am off. I want to not worry about it while I am gone. I know I am going to be busy, but I am pretty sure I will still worry about how things are going at work.

Speaking of work, I got a call yesterday as we were driving home. I was supposed to go to a meeting yesterday afternoon only to find that it had been cancelled because JCHO is here. For anyone who doesn't know, this is a freaking huge deal. It used to be that they scheduled a time to come, basically. We knew when they were coming. That changed and that isn't entirely bad. They tell us what standards we need to meet. There are about a million hoops for us to jump through, but in the end it is about the safety of the patients. It just gets very frustrating for all the health care workers. They are technically early compared to when they used to come, but we have been expecting them for months. It will actually be a relief to have it over with, but at the same time I was hoping they wouldn't come until I was on leave. You see, I was the lone lucky staff nurse from my department to get to "entertain" them the last time they came. I spent about two hours answering questions and it actually it went very well. Of course they talked to my supervisors in addition to me and they examined the department as well. Our anesthesia department had a significant deficiency that was quickly corrected, but surgery did pretty well. I am just hoping I don't have to be "the one" nor does the person that I am "technically" still orienting. I know we were planning on getting the remainder of her orientation materials signed off this weekend. Well, I hope that doesn't bite me in the ass! At least this will be over and we can deal with the issues we need to address. We already know some, but they always find something in the hospital that is a surprise to us. If we make it through the week, it will be one less thing stressing everyone out. With the surgery center opening across the street and the impending JCHO survey, things really have been stressful for everyone. I just have my added bit.

Weekend away!

We were actually able to get out of town, together, for the weekend. I was surprised that in the end everything worked out. We didn't get out until the middle of the afternoon Saturday because my husband didn't get home from work until about 5 am that morning and he needed to get some sleep. I was still fine with that. Just every time I turned around there was something delaying us and I thought we weren't going to get out.

My mom called me as I was getting everything taken care that I could before Mike got up and was terrible. The phone rang and of course I could see who was calling. I said "hello" and no response and so I said it again. My mom is known for having chronic phone problems even when you give her a very nice phone as a gift. It is just something in the user I think. So what does she say? "Who is this?" I say nothing and she continues by saying "I think I have two children, but only one of them talks to me." It doesn't take much for me to get mad these days and even when I am not pregnant you have to be on edge with my mother all the time. My mother is a f*cking social worker by education. Her last job was as a damn therapist! Now she is a case worker, but freaking therapy is part of the job. My mom tells people how you have to carefully choose your words. She tells people how words impact you and others. She makes me so flipping mad sometimes! I said to her that she doesn't call me either. Yes, my sister calls her like clockwork every Sunday, but it is because her husband makes her! I don't call my mother regularly because I see her!! She just shows up whenever she feels like it! Calm down, breathe. Anyway... she had a whole car full of stuff that my sister sent up for me and she wanted to drop it off, that afternoon... after we were supposed to be on the road. Well arrangements were made for her to drop off the loot at my in laws house since she couldn't be there in time.

What happens? She shows up ten minutes after we were supposed to be on the road, but Mike was still dragging. Oh well, at least my FIL didn't have to wait around all afternoon for my mom to show up at his house. Good thing too, because my sister sent up a ton of stuff! She didn't have much left for clothes from her boys, but what was left is really nice! The youngest and the biggest of her boys was born just about the same time of year as my baby so anything she had left from him is size/season appropriate. The other boys were born in Feb & March and much of their stuff wouldn't have worked anyway. But she sent a lot of really nice stuff. Lots of things we won't be able to use for awhile, but she wanted to get rid of things she couldn't use and she had the ability to get them to me. The one problem is that there were no instructions with anything and well, we are first time parents! She told my mom that I am smart and would figure it out. Sure, she has figured out these things but she is "experienced!" I'm not too worried though because she is coming Sept 1 and she can just show me how things work. The only thing I am a little worried about is the breast pump, but I am 98% sure I can get the directions on line. It isn't the most current model being offered now, but surely I can still get the info from the company.

So we got away together. It was nice. I wish we could have done something outdoors or something truly relaxing, but we got away together! I was worried every time we were in the car though. I was worried we would make it alive and I was worried about Mike's blood pressure. He wouldn't let me drive at all. There is something male and territorial about that I know. He thought about it once and then decided that because I would have to readjust the mirrors and seat we just wouldn't do it. He learned to drive here where we live. I learned to drive where we went to visit. Even though every time we go to Colorado it has grown by leaps and bounds, there are still many things the same. I just have more time driving there. I am more comfortable driving in traffic. I am, even now, more even tempered than my dear, sweet husband. It would have been easier if I had driven, but he wasn't going to let that happen so we made it and that is what matters. I have to give him all the directions, but it was fine.

We were glad to come home though. The thing that was the best was that we had all that time together. We were able to talk. We shopped more than we should have, but we got things we needed for our Jake and for our animals. I don't recall any yelling. We always stay at that same hotel and it was the worst stay we have had. We haven't ever been there though in the height of vacation season. So we haven't ever stayed there with so many families and that sucked. There were kids running up and down the halls past 1030 at night and before 7 in the morning. Not so good. Our bed was really uncomfortable too, but we were together out of town!!!

I haven't felt good though. My belly is just so uncomfortable. I ate more than I am used to eating and different things so that is part of it. It is so stinking hot! We were busy a lot. I have had heartburn and reflux, but I go back to the food thing. I just feel yucky. I don't feel terribly concerned about that. I kind of expect it and I image it will continue to get worse before it gets better. I'm just trying to get what I need to do before Jake gets here. I know we will never be truly ready, but I want to try my hardest.

I got him some clothes. They maybe little, but the cost adds up fast. I also realized that we really don't have much for him yet and we really do need a shower. I ripped the tags off all the things we have for him so far and am starting the laundry. I just can't get over how tiny everything is! I only got a few things in newborn sizes because of the weight sizing on the tags. Most of what I got was 8-12 pounds and a some bigger. All his clothes might be dropping off for awhile, but I know he won't be shrinking. I just don't see him coming out or going home below 8 pounds. Time will tell I guess...

Another Friday the 13th!

So far I this day hasn't been to bad. I worked late, but I was getting very necessary things accomplished for my time that I will be off. I decided I would come home and stay there though. Our community has a huge celebration going on right now and tonight is their "international food fair." It isn't very international, but there is usually a lot of food and a lot of people. It lasts until the food runs out and that is usually less than three hours. I read that between 7000 and 8000 people were there last year. I was one of them, but not this year. All those people are squashed into about two city blocks with the streets closed. The lines are horrible and there are only a few porta potties. I don't do those. I reconsidered going late this afternoon because it was pouring rain and I thought the crowds might not be as bad, but things dried up. I'm sure all the vendors got soaked because it was only about an hour before opening, but I'm just not up to waiting 30-45minutes for an ear of corn, even if it is a really good ear of corn. Corn and frozen cheesecake are what I go for. Last year I never found the cheesecake. I got the corn, but I don't remember what else. Oh well. I'm just not up to it this year.

Actually this is activity is one that always would bother me the most. There are families out like mad from all over the area. Every year it would seem like I was surrounded by nothing but pregnant bellies and newborns. I would always get depressed after going to the different events. It is also when all the class reunions happen so someone is meeting up with their long lost best friend everywhere you turn. I'm not from here so it makes you kind of feel left out. So I don't know why I thought these activities were fun if I walked away feeling like a barren outcast. Did I mention the corn is REALLY good?

Today marks three months since my Bell's Palsy started. At this point my prognosis isn't great. Everyone that takes care of me thought it would be much better by now. Me included. I fully expected to have a complete return to normal. That is what I kept being told. Well, yes and no. In one breath they would say not everyone always gets a full recovery and then in the next they would tell me I would be fully recovered by three months. The only good thing is that I have noticed a significant difference in my cheek strength in just the last two weeks. I can now pull apart my lips on the left side while keeping them closed on the right. I can do it every time I try too. It frequently causes terrible muscle spasms and twitching along my cheek but I can do it! It is just my eye that I haven't noticed any improvement with in quite awhile. I am going to try to start wearing contacts again next week. Unfortunately I will have to start completely over with wear time. I don't know we will see how it goes. I can move nothing on my forehead. Nothing at all. I have decided that isn't so bad. Now I can make a single dose of bot.ox go farther on the other side. Then I won't be able to move my forehead at all and those nasty worry lines will start to disappear. It is amazing the difference between the left and the right already.

I have progressed enough that at least it isn't totally noticeable. I still have some difficulty speaking especially when I try to talk fast. The left side of my mouth can't form the words fast enough. For the most part though, I don't think it is overly noticeable now like it was before. I can kind of smile. It isn't an unfriendly smirk anymore at least. Those are the muscles that have really improved in the last two weeks. I am hoping that I see as much progress in the next two weeks as I have the last. If I do, there maybe hope for my eyelid function yet! Not being able to move my eyebrow doesn't bother me at all anymore. If something has to not come back that is what I pick. It doesn't work that way does it?

Ultrasound today

I hardly slept at all last night. I was so worried about what my ultrasound might show today or how my exam might go. Aside from having to wait a really long time everything was fine. My cervix was 3.6 cm which she said is just right for my dates. The sonographer just kept looking at Jake's head. I said that it really looked huge and told her how I look at the head of every baby I see and get a little nervous. She said, well, she thought his head looked a little huge too. His head is measuring at 38w2d. I actually didn't freak out when she said she was concerned. She just kept looking at everything in his head and said that everything is proportional and appropriate, just very big. She also kept carrying on about his cheeks because they are so chubby and how cute that is for a baby.

I passed the vag exam too. High and tight. Those are good words now that I hope will change, but give me four weeks or maybe more. (I'm sure I will be changing my mind). So my huge headed, chubby cheeked baby weighs in at 5lbs 12oz at 34w2ds. However with all the measurements they take and the fancy computer calculations he is measuring 35w5ds. That is still within normal, but getting to be on the bigger side. Well, I have told them all along that a little baby wasn't coming out of me. I'm am so relieved though. They did talk to me about the possibility of bed rest (or being told I was going on bed rest so I wouldn't be allowed to go to work). It was the nurse practitioner that I work with a lot that I saw today and she was really nice about it. She understands that I want to keep working and she knows how my boss is. She also told me about each of the doctor's philosophies on preterm labor and when they will try to stop it and not. I couldn't believe there was such a variation between them. She made a note on my chart that she said will be faxed over to L&D at our hospital that I really want labor stopped if it is before 37 weeks. It doesn't mean the doctor on call will in fact honor that, but it does help plead my case and let the nurses know what I want. Sometimes we can help persuade the doctors to go one way or another.

Anyway, I feel a ton better. At least I felt like all the people I dealt with believed me that I am actually having contractions and lots of them. I still think my doctor's crusty old nurse just thinks I am a crazy first time mom. Maybe I am, but my concerns need to be taken seriously. They were, and now we know that things are fine. On to my regular visit next week with the crusty old nurse. We will see what she has to say...

Nursery?!?

When I came home from work Monday night I found my husband in Jake's room painting. He had cleared everything out and was actually painting. Sadly some of the items are now stacked in my dining room and pretty much everything else is neatly pushed against a wall in the "family room" in our basement. So he still has to get the office cleaned out of his boxes of wires and junk, but we have made tremendous progress! The painting isn't finished yet, but the walls seem to be sucking the paint up like you wouldn't believe.

The bad thing was that when I came home on Monday I was having contractions every three minutes. I had a very hard and busy day at work and I didn't get out until 8pm. When I was changing my clothes to leave I realized that the contractions were close and then as I walked out to my car I realized they were regular. I knew I had been working too hard and had not had the opportunity to drink at all. I came home and laid back in the recliner with two giant glasses of water. I waited 45 minutes but things weren't slowing down. The only thing that seemed to change was that after the initial start of the contraction I couldn't tell as easily when it ended. So my husband was freaking out (I think he really wanted to stop painting for the night). I called the doctor's office and the PA on call told me to come in. I had three contractions walking into the hospital from the parking lot and I know it didn't take more than 5 minutes to do that. I went straight to OB and they had me change and took a urine sample and chatted with me for some time before they hooked me up to a monitor. As this is happening, the contractions are almost stopping. I only had two for them. So I just had to lay in their bed for about two hours and drink their water and then I got to go home. They gave us a tour of the unit because we aren't taking any classes and my husband has never been there before, at least not to the labor and delivery area, nursery, and NICU. He has visited new babies before, but I think he looked at it differently.

At least I filled out a ton of paperwork that had to be done sometime. My husband was almost mad when we got there and things stopped. I almost yelled at him that that was in fact a GOOD thing! He straightened up then. So then on the walk out I had two more contractions. Then when I took the dog out when I came home I had two more. There seems to be a common theme here... So when I finally sat down and ate dinner well after 11pm they stopped for the night.

I didn't see a doctor that night because I obviously didn't need one, but the nurses had to talk to the OB on call about me. It wasn't the my doctor, but one of his partners and obviously someone I know and trust. He came and talked to me yesterday and asked if I have had my cervix checked and I said told him I haven't. He asked when my last ultrasound was and said that he thought it would be a good idea if I maybe got an ultrasound to check my cervix. I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to know what it showed. But he didn't tell me what I should do. He asked again when my next appointment was and I told him and he let me go.

So I thought about it yesterday and worried a bit. Then today I have had quite a few contractions but with no regularity. So I told the midwife that was assisting in surgery with yet another doctor today what he said when she was scrubbing her hands. I told her that I probably wasn't taking it serious enough. She told me to call and talk to one of the nurses and they would see what he wanted me to do. Well, they are having me come in tomorrow morning for an ultrasound. I am a little scared. I have so much work to do and we can't afford for me to be off work already. It will eat into my time with the baby. But, the baby isn't ready to come out yet. I have so many things at work that I need to accomplish before I do go on maternity leave. My boss is REALLY hindering me on getting them done too. We have so many really serious things going on at work that my issues are important to her. Well, when I am gone and she wouldn't deal with me, they too will become a really big deal. Then it will be my fault though. I am terribly frustrated, stressed, and worried about it. That isn't going to help keep him in there!

First Anniversary

Today is our first wedding anniversary. Mike was really hoping he would be holding a little girl in his arms on this day, but doesn't seem too disappointed anymore that he will be holding a son by his birthday at the end of next month. Poor guy, this year has certainly been one of the more trying years in our time together. Well, we will see where things go from here. It is funny how the year seems to have been so long on one hand, but very short on the other. I have noticed the years seem to go by faster as I have gotten older. I can only imagine how fast it will be when we are looking at our child(ren) growing.

I talked to my MIL and SIL yesterday. Mike had said something to his sister about "our" concern for the date and she said she wasn't sure why she didn't think of it before, but she would already be in town the weekend earlier. She won't have as much time to get ready but it will save her about a 250 mile road trip. The next thing is that they had decided to have the shower in my in laws back yard, in Nebraska, in August. I said there will probably be more people than the last shower we had there and there isn't much space for parking. Mike had already warned me of this and was mad because he was going to have to set up this huge tent we have in the back yard. I see two problems with this. It won't fit. The tent is very large and their yard is not. It isn't terribly small but there is a tree in the middle that effectively ruins any large space. There is then a second alternative to that. His grandma lives directly next door and her yard doesn't have a tree in the middle of it. Her yard also doesn't have all the dogs crapping in it. I am not being snobby, but neither of these spaces is exactly ready for entertaining. Mike's parents have a ton of crap all around the back of the house. I know that my MIL would make my FIL clean this up and I don't want the extra work created for me. It is true that much of it just needs to be thrown away, and it does need to be cleaned up sometime, but I don't want it to be my fault. So I asked if they had looked into any, say, air conditioned restaurants in the area. I know many of them you can use with just a reservation and no charge. My sister told me most of the showers she has had have been at restaurants and then people can order what they want or not. They can do some decorating and only have to worry about cleaning up those decorations and they don't have to provide food except for cake if they so choose. They seemed to think this was a good idea, but I had to come up with several suggestions as to locations. My SIL is only focused on invitations right now because that is what she likes to do and have I ever mentioned that my MIL might not be getting quite all the watts in her 60 watt bulb? At least she is trying to do something nice. It doesn't matter that it is bringing the focus of the attention towards her since she is hosting the party. That is probably the primary reason she wants to do it at her house, but when I started mentioning potential numbers she was noticeably uncomfortable with that many people being at her house.

So I got a list put together for my SIL last night and we have already registered. I am sure hoping that I got my husband out of the work they volunteered him for. They would have to rent tables and chairs too and he would have to do that work. He would also probably end up paying for it and that is 100% unacceptable to me. I told him if we had to pay for anything, and I mean ANYTHING, we would be better off just not having a shower and buying the things we really need ourselves. I'm afraid to find out how much stuff it takes to have just the basics because we aren't there yet. Anyway, God help us all. I know this isn't the last of my thinking this isn't a good idea. I just know that I am going to have to suck it up and hopefully the rath at work won't be too bad. I have to let the in laws have some of the attention in this.

Well, hopefully today can be a good day for us. Mike hasn't gone to work yet and so at least we will be able to see each other some. That is if he ever gets out of bed!

I can't seem to get enough sleep these days. I get tired so easily and many more things are becoming difficult to do. I still have over six weeks to go and I am wondering how I am going to function by the end of it. I guess I can only take it one day at a time. Jake already feels like he is huge and I know he will be putting on a lot of weight over then next weeks. It frequently feels like he is stretching everything all at once trying to make more room for himself. At those moments it is hard to sit, stand, lay, walk, move, or even breathe. Other people really point out his moving to me now because they can see it so well through our tissue paper scrub shirts. Like I didn't notice that he just slammed a foot up into my ribs and fist into my groin.

Our fourth didn't go as well as I had wanted it to this year. Mike and I spent most of the day not talking to each other. I know what is happening with his job has him really upset right now and I have tried really hard to cut him a lot of slack. It is just driving me nuts that he isn't getting anything done. He certainly has the time. I am frustrated with everything. With his job, my job, this house, my body, the heat. When I get frustrated I tend to cry rather than scream and yell. Neither thing seems to accomplish me anything, but at least if I'm not yelling then I don't say something I can't ever take back. Mike hates it when I cry. It makes him mad. I don't know what to do. I try to talk to him but he can't just talk right now. His voice seems to get louder and louder and I don't do well with yelling. I really wish I could get him to go to a doctor. I think the stress and frustration with his job and having a pregnant wife has taken a toll on him. I think he would really benefit from some antidepressants, but he see things like that. We have been together for over eight and half years and I have seen him go through several depressions that I know could have really been helped. He tried to stop smoking using welbutrin one time and it really really helped his over all personality. He seems to be pissed off at something or someone all the time and for once that was better. As much as I would like to slip him some pills, I can't do that. The sad thing is that he even admitted it at the time how much better he felt overall when he took the medicine. When I mentioned that to him another time when I was trying to encourage him to get some help, he seemed to think it was the hardly smoking at all that was making him feel better. Okay, if that was it then quit smoking and we get the best of both!!!

Well, I got off track a little. My intention on writing this morning was my shower dilemma. I have really been toiling on whether I should agree to any shower(s) or not. I am supposed to decided while my friend is living it up in Hawaii right now. My work life would be so much easier if I worked primarily with men!!! I have many articles about how workplaces, specifically talking about operating room, are like giant dysfunctional families. We work very closely together. We work long, long hours, literally locked in together. I know that most jobs are stressful. If there is one out there that isn't, please tell me what it is! Our situation is just a little different than most work environments. Anyway, stress brings out different things in each of us. It shows the best in some people and the ugliest in others. It just seems like I see a lot of ugly. I can't have a shower and just invite the people that are my friends. I have to invite the uglies too. I can't have two different showers where you invite everyone to one and then have a second one where you invite your work friends and non work friends. At least I can't do that and be able to survive at my job. Silly me for thinking I could do that last year when I got married. I had an incredible shower that was specifically for everyone I work with. Then I had a shower that was for my girlfriends. It just so happens that over the years some of the women I work with have become my good girlfriends. Well, apparently one of my friends said something about what happened at the shower with my girlfriends and then all these people were mad at me because they weren't invited too. Some of these people were nasty to me for three months. There were people, who obviously weren't good friends, that wouldn't even talk to me for weeks. One, I didn't actually make the guest list, and two people who weren't invited weren't my good friends. My charge nurse was NASTY to me until this April when I got the Bell's Palsy. That was almost 10 months since the shower was held.

Anyway, I had been leaning against the shower because I have already heard little nasty whispers at work about someone having a shower for me. One person was bitched about it at the lunch table. It isn't fair that my friend have a shower for me when no one had a shower for last year. Okay, we didn't have a shower for her. She started working in our department when she was already 7 months pregnant with her third child. I "celebrated" my eighth anniversary at my job yesterday. Like I said I have been thinking that I don't want a shower. If someone cares enough about us to give us a gift then we will graciously accept it. Then people get me feeling bad by saying that I deserve a shower and carry on. It just makes my husband furious, but he says I shouldn't let the people at work bother me. He is right I shouldn't, but he didn't have to go to my job and be treated the way I was for months. It was even brought up in my annual review by the director!!!!

So a potential solution has surfaced. My MIL and SIL have asked me if they can throw a shower for me. I just have to invite all the people. I could slap up an invitation on the board at work and be done with it. Then no one else at work gets sucked into it. I don't have to risk my friend taking any heat over it. It is more removed. People can come or not. They can rip the damn invitation down if they want, whatever. However, I still have some reservations with this. One my SIL that has the entire summer off because she is a school teacher has too busy to be able to have the shower until August 11th. Yikes, that is cutting it close. I doubt I will have had him by then, but that is close and I am concerned about how I will be doing by then. I am still a prime candidate for PIH and bed rest. Second, I like these people very much but they aren't very reliable. They did have a shower for me last year that they managed to pull off, however, it was one where people come and order things for me and themselves and then I am supposed to benefit from their purchases as well, right. I get even more stuff. That isn't quite how they did it. My friends came and bought me stuff and stuff for themselves. Then my SIL and MIL only gave me 1/3 of the hostess benefits and used a third for each of themselves. I was alright with this. I didn't know that was how it was going to be until the day it happened, but my friends were NOT happy. I didn't like the whole concept very much to begin with. It really felt like you were putting a lot of pressure on your guests and I didn't like that. But these people were nice enough to want to host a shower for me and this is Mike's family so I did it. I'm just not so sure about it this time. Mike feels like he gets put in the middle and I certainly don't want to do that especially right now.

Happy July 4th!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day today. Independence day has always been one of my favorite holidays. When I was a kid, it was because you got to spend time with family eating ice cream, playing with sparklers, and watching fireworks. As I got older, it is that plus the actual representation of the day. I can't imagine being in the military myself, but I am so honored that there are so many people that are so willing to risk and give their lives for our country. Past and present.

I am still like a kid on the 4th. I moved to this state about twelve years ago. This is the first state that I have lived in that allows you to purchase and set off fireworks. It makes life kind of difficult for a bit. The police can't really enforce the curfew of 10pm and if you have to be up before 530 the next morning it kind of sucks. On the fourth you can light them until midnight so that makes it even worse if you have to work the next day, but it is only once a year right? The only bad thing is that the community doesn't support the city fireworks display like all the other places I have lived. Why donate money for that when you can light off your own? So our professional fireworks are disappointing. The thing I don't understand is how people can afford to set off fireworks every stinking night! I still didn't get into at home fireworks until I started spending the holiday with my in laws. They think I am funny because I enjoy it so much, like a kid would. Well, I haven't had the opportunity my whole life.

I have been having really weird and vivid dreams again and a lot of nightmares. Last night one of my dreams was that Jake decided he would turn around and refuse to budge from breech. There could certainly be worse things to happen, but he been head down as long as I have know. He might slide a little transverse, but he goes back. Anyway, I was panicking in my dream. In reality, I am getting more and more afraid of labor and if he were suddenly decided to turn then that would be that! I might only have to experience a little bit of labor or none at all. I have enough contractions now that I am concerned about what the "real" ones will be like.

I have been working so hard, I haven't enjoyed my time off. When I have been trying to relax, I have been stressing instead. I don't know what to do with myself. I just wish I could try and enjoy this time a little more. I don't feel so bad right now. My face doesn't hurt nearly as bad when I'm not at work. (I don't have anyone to talk to!) But, instead I worry. Then I worry about what all this worrying is doing to poor Jake.

Sunday with three more days off

My husband is finally at work. He was so worried that it would happen again, that someone would take his job, but it didn't. Now that he is gone someone will probably bump him because with his going to work mid-day today he lined up to have the 4th off. He was really, REALLY beginning to drive me nuts. His being around constantly and not earning any money kind of gets old. It would be one thing if he were getting things done, but he had eleven days off and only two of them did he work on something that impacted my life. He did work on his "new" car several days, but well, we know how I feel about that. The good thing is, I can always accomplish more when he is not here than when he is around. Funny huh? I suppose that is probably true for most of us.

I came home after church today so I could see Mike off and then I went to Wal.mart. I was expecting it to be a nightmare and I was shocked. It didn't start getting busy until I left and I think I got home a couple minutes before 1300. It was almost a pleasant shopping experience. I was able to look at a few baby items that I have been wondering about. I look at things online and read the reviews and I'm not sure if that is good or not. It seems like there are so many items that the reviews are completely split down the middle. You have the five star, best product ever reviews and then the one star wouldn't recommend it to any one reviews back to back. Then I don't know what to decided. It just makes me feel even more like I don't know what the hell I am doing.

So I came home and put my cold items away and decided I needed a little snack. What I ate was so horrible I won't even type it, but it wasn't good for me and since I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch I should have done better. I had planned on eating more after I had my tasty morsel, but I promptly feel asleep. I forgot to mention a few things. I got ink on my shirt when I was shopping so I took my shirt off when I got home to get the ink out. I had already taken my pants off when I got home because I was tired of constantly pulling them up. It is really hot today like it has been this last week so I sat in the chair with the fan blowing on me and the window AC blasting trying to cool down and I fell asleep. Then there was a knock on the door. I actually think there were several knocks on the door before I heard it. Our friends and family know to use our back, really side, door rather than the front. But what they do is walk right past the door bell that is on the exterior of the house and into the breeze way and knock on the house door. Thank goodness you can't see into the living room and thank god I am a compulsive door locker. My FIL and SIL were bringing me my SUV back. My FIL has had it for more than a week now fixing it. I have missed my vehicle so much. My shoulders are both sore from hoisting myself up into the pickup since there aren't any running boards. It isn't a priority for my husband because he is 6'2" before he puts his work boots on. He just gets into it like I can just get into my vehicle. No effort. No climbing involved. I know it was my choice to drive the pickup over the "car" and I am glad it was there for me, but I do have a bit of biceps tendinitis going on now. Oh well, it is all over.

My poor sister and her family. My mom drove 710 miles to visit them this weekend and part of this week. My sister said she has mentioned the 710 miles about every 5 minutes. She has also made my oldest nephew cry because she accused him of cheating when they were trying to play a game as a group. She has also made fun of his hair about as often as she mentions the 710 miles. On the good side, my sister said that my BIL has accomplished more at home today than he does in most weeks and he volunteered to run a couple of errands for her. My sister was more than happy to go outside and talk to me for almost an hour even though we talked yesterday for just as long. She said that her youngest told my mom that she walks pretty slow and she needs to be just put in a wheelchair. How funny! The next thing you know she will have taken that as a doctor's order and she will be in a motorized scooter. I can just see it now. I'm so happy that I can share my mom with them right now. I get her attention about every two weeks and it isn't fair that they only get it once to twice a year, for them ; ) It is amazing how fast kids figure out how screwed up adults are!!!

Wonders never cease!

You won't guess where I am typing from!!! The dark and yucky room that will from now on be our office! Yes, the computer is officially in the basement. That means it is no longer in the nursery!!! There is still a lot of work to be done in there. I really do mean a lot too. But this is a big sign of progress! I hate this room and my husband hates having to walk up and down our crappy stairs to get here. Maybe that will motivate him to go to work so we can get into a bigger house. Maybe. Right now I am happy for the small steps we have taken. Now if we can only agree on the paint color for the nursery. By the way, who would put dark wood panelling on four walls in a basement? I hate panelling to begin with, but in a bedroom in the basement???? It makes it feel even yuckier down here.

OB appointment

I had my 32 week appointment today. I had the nicer of the two nurses that work with my doctor today. I like her. She almost always comes down and assists him in certain surgeries so I know her well. The meaner one only comes down once and awhile. She did voice her concern about my weight. I still think that is funny. I really thought I was going to have gained two pounds since my last visit, but I was wrong. I haven't been feeling very well the last three days and I think I haven't eaten much. I only gained 1/10 of a pound. That means the first three numbers have remained the same on the scale for the last four visits I think. I find this very hard to believe, especially when I look down or at my face in the mirror. Things look rounder than they were before in both cases.

We couldn't hear the heartbeat very well, but the doctor said he probably has his back turned more out and that is why. I was only slightly concerned for a second. When he first listened he only heard me and when he pushed around he got a faint beat for the baby. I know that he was busy all afternoon so it was okay. Too bad we couldn't hear better though because my husband went with me and he doesn't usually go. My blood pressure was the best it has been on any visit to their office ever, so they were happy because it has been something they have wanted to watch. I have told the doctor that whenever I take it, it is well within normal whereas when I go to their office it is higher than you want it. My blood pressure is obviously very reactive to whatever is going on and that isn't what you want to see. But that is how I am over all so it makes sense. I don't even ask what I measure because I'm not worried about it. I feel huge and he has been sitting low forever. I am scared to see how it will be when he drops.

We had a worm work its way through our hospital computer system last night when I was there again most of the night working. It hit more than 1000 computers in the hospital and then computers in doctor's offices as well. It didn't dawn on me that would be the case. I couldn't make another appointment because they can't access anything either. What a pain in the ass. We have become so dependant on computers for everything. My appointment was one of the last of the day. When I talked to the girl at the desk she asked me to call on Monday to make an appointment for my next visit and please keep trying if I have a problem getting through. She said she has more than 100 patients from today that have to call to schedule followup visits. That is a lot of people to come through an office in a day. Not every single patient that comes in has to make a follow up. We had to wait forever because he got backed up due to a delivery. You would think we would all be sympathetic to that wouldn't you. It drove Mike nuts, but it was nice for me because he was there to entertain me. I probably would have just gone to sleep if he hadn't been.

The nurse was concerned about the number of contractions I am having. She asked me to try and pay closer attention to them especially when I am at work. They still seem very irregular and totally vary in length and intensity. I haven't felt anything that makes me think I need to seek medical attention yet. She said I need to think about cutting back. I told her she knows my boss and I won't be able to cut back until it is a doctor's order. My boss carries quite a reputation. This nurse, of course, has direct experience with both my charge nurse and director so she should know how things work there. The doctor didn't seem too worried and just told me to call and come in if things seem to change. He said to come back in two weeks. I was all excited because I was moving to two weeks, but then he said he was going to be gone then so I was more than fine to stretch it to three weeks. I guess I won't be seeing any of the other doctors. I still think I will be having an induction so it will be my doctor in the end. I guess only time will tell...

I have 5 days off now!!!! I am so excited. Then I only work two and get another four days off. But then it will be a nasty stretch which I am still mad about.

Today

Today was my friend's daughter's funeral and it was hard. I have never been to a funeral for such a young person before. It was all handled very well, but I guess that is what those people do. I have never seen so many flowers before. The church was huge and I'm not sure on a good guess as to how many people were there. The sanctuary wasn't big enough to hold every one either. I would think there were at least 800 people there.

Her mom said on Monday that she didn't think they would be able to do an open casket but they did. I have a terrible time looking at dead people, but I think with so many kids there it maybe was good. I think they may have needed it for a couple of reasons. One to see her and know it is real and two to see her and know what can happen to you. I just some how think that once your spirit is free the body left behind looks different. It is just a shell and not you. I don't know. It was just so hard. It didn't look like the beautiful Katy I have known. The hands always bother me. They just never look right. Her hands were all black and blue.

At least my boss worked it out so we were able to close all but two operating rooms so that almost everyone could go. She even stayed and worked in one of the rooms so that one more person could go. I thought that was nice of her. Upon a rare occasion she can do things like that.

It always amazes me how powerful music can be. I don't know who picked all the songs that were played but every single one seemed so appropriate. Again, I know that is what funeral homes do and they are good at that, but I know it was all music that she liked. I just can't imagine her mom was able to make those selections right now. The music had me crying and Jake just going nuts. I don't think it was me being upset because I seem to cry like that all the time right now. He was moving like crazy and I experienced my first through about a million kicks to the ribs while there. Ironically, I was seated next to a nurse practitioner that I was working with today and works at my OB office. She could see that he was beating me up.

I don't know how you can say a funeral was nice but it was. I guess you say a celebration of some one's life. Lots of stories were told and you got a very good picture of this young woman. She was and is a very loved girl. My heart just goes out to her mother. I pray that I am never put in this position, nor is anyone. Her mom is a very strong woman. I have seen her go through a lot in the years that I have known her. I know she can survive this too, but I never seen her like this before. I can't imagine anyone acting any different in this situation. I just hope she will accept the love and support of her friends. Please God, help her through this.

Sad day

Last night turned out to be worse than I imagined, but I didn't truly know how bad it was until this morning. I finally got called back at 945 last evening. I laid down at 935 I think. We got a very bad report from the supervisor so we weren't sure exactly what we were in for until we got there. She got a very little bit of the situation correct. Sadly, that isn't uncommon and we figured it out.

It just took forever to get things going and finished with that surgery. Mostly we just had to clean the poor guy's road rash up. Thank goodness for general anesthetics! But while we were doing this case the Xray tech we had with us showed the surgeon films he had just taken of a child in the ER. Poor little guy needed surgery, but the doctor had to see the little guy and talk to his family. Lucky for us the little guy had pain medicine and had been made comfortable for the rest of the night. He was sound asleep and his parents thought first thing in the morning would be a fine time for surgery. We get this good news but hear there has been a car accident and that we can't leave until we know what is going on with that. We didn't get any information the way we were supposed to be informed so we had to just go find out for ourselves. Good thing we did because no one really cared about us. Funny how they really liked the help when we got there though. We knew the patient and "his buddy" were in an accident and "his buddy" died at the scene. He was flown in and we just needed to know if he needed to come to surgery. The way things happen these days is so fast. You have people before you have stories. You have to try and figure things out as you go. We can get people without names or any information. You wouldn't believe how hard it can be to find a purse, billfold, ID of any sort, vehicle registration, anything at all sometimes. So we work to take care of a person we have in front of us and then the details start coming in as we go.

This patient didn't need surgery, at least at that time, so we got to home. It was 245 in the morning when we clocked out. We started the damn day by 630. We were all so tired and we always feel bad about trauma patients. We knew the patient in the hospital was a teenager. Those of us from my department had figured out that it was a coworker's daughter's boyfriend. We were sad and tired.

This morning I got a call from one of the people there last night. "His buddy" that died was my coworker's fourteen year old daughter. We, those of us there, never even dreamed it could be her daughter. We thought the other person was a guy. I feel terrible for my coworker. Of course I always feel bad when someone loses a family member. It just hit me in a different way this time. I know I am still exhausted so that is part of it, but now I have just an inkling of what it feels like to be a parent. I have yet to meet Jake, but my life would be turned upside down and inside out if he were taken away from me. I haven't even had fourteen years to get to know him and love him. I don't know how you handle something like that, how you care on. I just pray for this poor family. No one should have to do this.

Drama queen

I am exhausted. I worked almost thirteen hours today and am waiting for a call to go back to work right now. They let us go knowing there was an ambulance on the way to get a patient from another hospital with an open fracture. An open fracture means a trip to the OR to at the very least get it washed out. The supervisor let us go so we could at least get something to eat since they close the hospital cafeteria at 2pm on weekends so there is no food available to us. We will see what happens. I am just so tired already.

This week has been another tear filled week. There have been a lot of things going on with my husband's job and so far he has been getting jerked around a lot. That scares me. I can't remember when he worked last, but it hasn't been his doing. They keep moving him around and he is worried. He knows they are sending some people up to Wyoming work from the engineer board and doesn't think it will be him right now. Better now than in a month!!! And he doesn't know how long those people who go will be gone. Great! This is why I have wanted him to get the baby's room done, now, when he has the opportunity. I warned him that he never knew how long he had.

I also have been a big baby because I have felt neglected. He has been home all day and then thinks he needs to go somewhere in the evening because he is sick of being home. Well, I was at work all day and want to be home with my husband in the evening. I'm not invited when he goes to fuck off with his friend I don't like very much. Then he says he is going to stay home for the evening and he does, but he spent the whole night sitting outside smoking and talking to his friend or his dad. That doesn't count. I don't think sitting in front of the TV and eating dinner at the same time counts either. I want some undivided attention. I want to work on the nursery together or just sit and talk without the stupid TV on. One on one time. So the night he spent on the phone I went to bed and was there quite some time before he noticed I shut off all the lights in the house. He came in and found me crying. I was crying about everything, all my worries and fears in addition to my frustration with him. I did not to get in a fight again. This time he was nice and sat and talked to me for awhile. We talked about names and cut the list from four to two and actually leaned towards one.

Then the next day he had a melt down. He is really worried about his job too. He is worried about getting sent away from me. He doesn't want to leave me alone. I don't want that either, but I know we can do it. He thinks he should quit his job and then I may have threatened to kill him or something. No, I didn't but he likes to bring up whenever we disagree about his going to work that he said at the beginning that if this job causes a problem between us he will quit. It isn't the job creating the problem, it is his not going to work that causes a problem. So any he is really worried about what will happen and all we can do is sit and wait. In the meantime they are shifting him around and he can't work when he wants to.

The good news is that we were able to have another nice discussion and Tiger has an actual name now. Apparently I am supposed to stop calling him "Tiger" also. I don't think we are going to tell anyone yet. We haven't decided if we are going to wait until he is born or just until we decided it is the right time. My mom will be a total bitch about whatever name we pick no matter what. Mike suggested I announce it at a shower where both our mothers would be there at the same time so one doesn't know before the other. Good idea, but I'm still not sure I want to tell my mother until the ink is on his birth certificate. Plus, I'm not entirely sure I want our mothers at my shower. I probably will, but... can't I live without them? Actually his mom has "pulled her head out of her ass" (those are my husband's words) and is being much nicer to me. She is making an effort to be nice. Well, that is good.

Oh yeah, Tiger's name is Jacob Wayne. I still don't like Wayne but I can only imagine if I had to make my husband decide on two names and not just one. Too bad we couldn't have used a different family name...

Good news?

My husband called me yesterday while the needles were being stuck into my face. There is clearly a sign on the wall that asks you to please turn off your cell phone for the consideration of other patients. Oops. I apologized profusely but I think a couple of needles may have been put in more like darts than gently placed as before. My mistake. It will probably happen again. So then it isn't as relaxing as you sit there embarrassed and your phone keeps beeping because of the missed call. But I texted my husband (from the bathroom) that I would call him after I got my back adjusted.

So I call and he is so excited and tells me he has good news! My thoughts immediately swing towards our baby. Maybe he miraculously has the baby's room cleaned out. Maybe they called and said the crib is no longer on back order. Maybe the daycare called and said you HAVE a spot. Maybe his dad got all the parts and is ready to start the body work on my car. Maybe... I get a lot of thoughts in before he blurts out that HE BOUGHT A FREAKING CAR!!! This is not what I define as good news at the moment. Yes, I know he has wanted a car that he can drive back and forth to work to save money on gas and wear on the pickup that already has over one hundred thousand miles and still a sizable loan balance. But I am concerned about paying for all the stuff for the baby, not insurance, taxes and licensing, and repairs on yet another stinking vehicle. Again, our priorities don't seem to match. At least the car was cheap. But then I worry because it was cheap. He already had the title in hand when he called so there was no discussing the issue. He bought it from another guy that works for the railroad. He hasn't been there much longer than Mike and he too was a mechanic before he went to the RR. The car needs new front tires and then mostly just a good cleaning. The guy has seven cars at his house and for his wife's sanity he is trying to get rid of several of them. It is a Dodge Intrepid, so it is actually pretty big, but he claims it gets 22mpg city, and 31mpg highway. We will see. It could do a lot worse than that and still be a lot better than the pickup because if we are luck it gets 14-15 on the highway. Not a good work vehicle I do know, but still he is spending where we can ill afford. The guy is nice though. He is going to let Mike pay him a hundred dollars a month for five months and if Mike thinks the car is a piece of crap he can bring it back and he will give him his money back.

When I took the dogs out this morning the car scared me because I forgot it was there. I am not used to the idea yet. The thing that really bothers me is that I feel that Mike still doesn't have his priorities right yet. That scares and worries me. It also leaves me feeling disappointed in myself because of the expectations I have set for someone else.

Happy Father's Day

My husband had to work and I won't get to see him at all today. I bought him a nice card though and got him a dad gift - tools. I got him a new miter box with a hand saw that goes with it. He will like it. He had a crappy little plastic miter box that he was extremely frustrated with when he was trying to do several things for the bathroom. He said then that he would really like a better one. I tucked that into my memory and had my FIL help me pick it out.

I have spent the day trying not to freak out. I definitely keep having anxiety. I really wish we could afford for me to quite my job and then at least 3/4 of what I am stressing about would be gone. Of course I would find something else to worry just as much about, I'm sure. That is just my personality. I still wish I could quite though. I'm more and more worried about physically being able to do my job. I really can't take a minute and take it easy very often. Generally only twice a day, if that. Someone has to physically relieve us to get a break and if there isn't someone to do that in the morning we don't get that. So some days all you can count on is 30 minutes for lunch. I know that at some point my doctor is going to say I have to cut back and that scares me. I worry that it won't happen soon enough and I worry about the financial aspect of having my hours cut. Not to mention my boss holding it over me. The funny this there are some people that are allowed, no expected, to have problems and "we" make allowances for them, but the rest of us... Well good luck, because you get treated like shit. My charge had to be off most of last week because she was seriously ill. She is seriously ill at least every six months. It almost always involves hospitalization. That means the rest of us have to cover right. Well we do and it isn't that big of a deal, but if I am sick, say I need my gallbladder out, I am asked to put it off for two weeks. I still can't believe I waited one week. I was stupid. Anyway, if I had to be hospitalized every six months my boss manage to push me into another job, probably not in her department. Hmm...

So I have gone back to scrubbing today. And a few other things I probably shouldn't have done. I am just mad that I can't get into the garage. I would have finished what I wanted to do if I had. I know what I was doing was stupid for two reasons. One, hello, baby in there. Two, it really isn't smart for me to be standing on even a step ladder in the bathtub when no one else is home (without being pregnant). Awhile ago I bought some supplies to take care of some things in the bathroom that have been bothering me. Are all the things I bought in the garage I can't get into? All but one. I bought some filler stuff to cover up a joint and the nail holes left behind when Mike put in the base boards. I painted the one base board Mike had to replace. I also did all the touching up with that same color I could with the exception of the darned ceiling in the shower. I bought some sanding blocks and tried to smooth these spots in the ceiling that he decided are "good enough" but I'm not good enough to get it done without the electric sander. When ever I sit down on the toilet I would always look down at the base board that wasn't painted and it would irritate me so then I would look up at the ceiling and I could see how bad the plaster was from there. At least now I can look at one of the places and be pleased. These are things that bother me and he doesn't care. I don't know how long it will take him to even notice what I did. He might notice the ceiling before I can get it finished but I doubt it. Now I just have to figure out how I can get the sander out of the garage since he took my key away when his "broke." These are the things that keep me up at night. What kind of mother am I going to be??? That is now always at the back of my mind.

I feel a little bad that I didn't go have dinner at my in laws tonight. I do love my FIL dearly, but I don't think I could handle eatting there just the three of us right now. I know I have done it many times in the past, but I don't think I dare be around my MIL right now without my husband. Somehow I feel like I need another witness. I do feel bad that he didn't have anyone to spend Father's Day with him though. At least my MIL had to work today so he got some peace and quiet!