Three weeks old!

I can't believe how time is just flying since we have been home. It is just too damn fast. I feel bad because there are days when we are just trying to make it through. The ones when you didn't get any sleep, you can't seem to brush your teeth enough, and you just want the baby to go to sleep so you can get something - anything done. Most days aren't like that though. Most days I just feel like a milk machine for a hungry boy!


This was Jake just a couple of hours before they took him away to the NICU. That was so horrible.







We didn't take any pictures of him while he was at his worst. Hopefully that image will fade in my mind because right now it feels like it is burned into my heart. He was the only baby in the NICU that was in a warmer. The rest were all in bassinets like this one that he got to move into. Thank God there weren't any in isolets while we were there. While he was in the warmer they would hardly let me touch him (or so it felt). I couldn't pick him up unless his respiratory rate was less than 80 which was a difficult for him for a bit. Because he was breathing so fast he wasn't allowed to nipple anything. Everything had to be gavaged so he didn't aspirate. Then when he finally did start nippling it just exhausted him and he would only take a little and then the rest would be gavaged. The doctor said he needed to have 70 ml of formula every 3 hours. At his best he would only take 35 by nipple and then he felt full and stopped, that was after his breathing became easier. So then they kept putting it in the tube. Well, this is why we thought we were never going to get to come home. In the mean time I am trying to establish a milk supply when I have yet to have my son nurse. We tried before he went to the NICU, but it never worked. The lactation specialist was gone because she had taken time off around the holiday and I was failing terribly. When they took Jake away from me they brought me a pump kit and said "here, start pumping every three hours." So that is what I did. Come to find out there was a long list of instructions that could have helped me a lot that I did get from the lactation lady the following Tuesday when she came back.

Anyway with a ton of work and lot of help we finally got nursing. But then we had to still supplement with formula by gavage. See these chubby cheeks and double chin? My son that was born at 9lbs 9.7oz topped out in the NICU at 10lbs 7.6oz!! That is crazy. I know there was one day where I was nursing him and then he was getting formula that he gained 3 ounces in 24 hours. I am frustrated with the Dr and the lactation lady really helped me out. Obviously this was crazy since it is normal for a baby to weigh their birth weight at 2 weeks! Mine had gained almost a pound in LESS than one week! So she chewed on the NICU nurses and chewed on the doctor as well. It took a couple of days, but they finally agreed to let him eat when he wanted. Then in the night the nurses were still tube feeding him! I was so frustrated. I thought we were never going to get out. So finally he was nursing or getting mostly breast milk while I was gone and he started dropping weight. Duh! That is normal, and still we had to argue with the doctor.













They finally let us move to step down where we had to take care of Jake in a hospital room all on our own. (I was so pissed because the only reason we had to do that was because it was our first child). The doctor said he wanted us to do two nights! I had a melt down. Mind you, this doctor always manages to come talk to me while I have a child latched on to my breast! He also waited until Mike left the room for this discussion because by this time, Mike truly looked like he was going to kill the doctor. The doctor wasn't stupid. Anyway, we discussed that we would only have to stay one night if his weight was stable. Of course Jake lost just a few grams that night, but it was terrible. We were doing everything we could to stuff milk in this kid before that last weigh in. We felt like we were being held hostage.

Then to finally come home we had to agree to breastfeed and then give him a bottle after every feeding. We had to have home health come to weigh him every other day or we had to go into the doctor. It still felt like we were being held hostage, just at least we finally had comfortable chairs.

The formula they gave us was making him terribly gassy when he was getting both formula and breast milk. We had a really miserable night one night and I cried with him. The home health nurse was awesome. She also thought the doctor is a bit excessive with Jake's weight gain and was supportive of me when I decided that I wasn't going to give him one more damned formula bottle. So for a week he has only gotten pumped breast milk in his bottles. The doctor did give us different formula to try and he did get two or three bottles of that and he did have less gas, but Jake seems to like the taste of the breast milk better. So then when we went to the doctor on Friday I never lied I just was very careful about how I answered the doctor's questions. It was then that he said we could just give Jake an extra bottle when he wanted one and we could just give him breast milk, because after all breast milk is best. Holy crap! So many of us were trying to get this across and finally the last time I saw the doctor he says this! He wanted us to come back to see him in two weeks, but I asked if we could start seeing our regular doctor now. His feelings seemed to be hurt a little, but he said yes. So we were released from him on Friday and then we were released from home health on Monday. We are free at last!!!!!!

And we're off...

So we went in the morning of the 28 for an induction. I get my IV started and blood drawn. The blood clots so lab has to come draw it and the girl was an idiot. She stuck me twice with my fully loaded pregnant veins and couldn't get any blood. The next woman comes in and is out of the room in less than two minutes. Now that is service!

So the doctor comes in and says, "now you know this doesn't always work the first time." I now hate those words with a passion. Jacob's head had dropped more and it pushed my cervix around posterior where it had not been before. Now the nurse couldn't even reach it and so I didn't get checked until the doctor came over at lunch time. The pit got started at 0830 and I started having contractions almost right away. They gradually increased the pit and we plugged along. The contractions weren't too bad. I thought I might just be able to make it through this. So my doctor checked me at lunch time and was not pleased with my cervix at all. It hadn't changed and was still so far back. Now he says that I should have come in the night before for cytotec. Of course my cervix wasn't like that at my appointment the previous week so he said it wasn't necessary. I am not so happy. I am damn upset because I want to have a baby!!!! The pit keeps going up the contractions stall some and pick back up. I change nursing shifts and we start discussing what our plan of action is going to be. I am upset again. I want this baby to be born, damn it!

So we decided at 1700 that the pitocin is going to be shut off at 1800 and I am going to be monitored for awhile, fed, and sent to a room to get two doses of cytotec through the night. There are lots of tears at this point. I wanted a baby not this. My husband tells my mother who has been out in the waiting room and she manages to get her way back into the delivery room where I don't want her. She will be back earlier tomorrow she tells me. Great!!!

So Mike gets to go home and sleep and I am stuck in a hot room with a quarter of pill shoved up to the cervix no one can reach and stuck on a monitor. This is when I am supposed to be "getting some sleep for my big day tomorrow." Mind you, I had called over and talked to someone at work because I wanted to know which doctor was on call. The answer was not mine of course because he was on the day before. He told me he would stay with me as long as he could, bastard (sorry I am a bit bitter still).

They had to cancel another induction for Wednesday since I didn't deliver. I am so sorry to that woman. I can only imagine how I would have felt if I had gotten that call. I got my second dose of cytotec around 0500 and they wanted me to stay in bed as long as I could without getting up and going to the bathroom. Hello! I am 41 weeks pregnant and they have an IV going at 125 an hour. I had asked if we could turn it down to TKO but I was told no. I don't quite understand that because I was allowed to drink as much as I wanted. Anyway, I made it the required 90 minutes before going to the bathroom and the last 30 I had been suffering with bladder spasms. I was dying! So I got up and peed for about ten minutes and I started contracting. They hurt a far amount like when they shut off the pit the evening before. (when they shut off the pit they had hyper stimulated my uterus and I was having three contractions back to back that were lasting five minutes and then I would get a minute off and start over again). So I started contracting at about 063-0645 and they kept going. I had to stay in bed until 0800 and then I got to get up and take a shower to get ready for my big day. They had a c-section and another induction starting so they made me wait awhile to go back to the labor room which it didn't matter because I was already in labor.

So my cervix had moved back around and had thinned almost completely and I was having adequate contractions. My doctor came and checked on me and so did the doctor on call for the day and her resident. Not so happy. This guy is from South Africa, I think, and his social interactions are much different than those of most Americans. So the doc on call breaks my water over the lunch hour. I am in much more pain than I was the day before. I am actually quite miserable. They had set up an epidural for me I just had to wait until after my water was broken and then the call would be placed to anesthesia to come and put it in. I know very well that sometimes it can take awhile for them to have someone available to send someone over to OB so I was a bit worried and accepted the offered Nubian. That made me goofy. As luck would have it, there was someone available to come over immediately to put in my epidural. Actually, there was no luck involved, it was a very kind coworker waiting to come put in my epidural because they knew I would be getting one soon. It wasn't a perfect epidural, but it was still wonderful! I was able to get some rest finally. The best part was that our phones had to be shut off with the epidural pump and so for the first time in many days there was silence. We were unreachable!

Things kept progressing and by a little after 1720 I was complete, but still didn't have the urge to push with the epidural and all. The nurse wanted me to start pushing and the doctor said to just wait until I felt like it. My body would keep working and Jake's head still had a ways to go. So we waited and at 1745 I decided that I wanted to start pushing. I couldn't wait any more even though I still didn't feel pushy. So I pushed and pushed and pushed. I couldn't get his head to come around so the doctor got out the vacuum. She weighs all of about 90 pounds (you think I'm kidding and I'm not) and wasn't strong enough to help pull him down. So at 2000 she brought up c-section. Now I was absolutely exhausted at this point but I was not going to let this woman cut me. I was mad because my doctor bailed on me and I thought that wasn't going to happen. Then I am left with the one, the only one I didn't want.

So she says c-section and some how I managed to gather all the strength I had left in my body and I pushed Jacob out. He was born at 2023. He was absolutely covered in meconeum. The cord was around his neck once and he got a horrible wound on the back of his head from the suction cup. Mike didn't get to cut the cord because they were worried about his lungs. I barely got to see him pass by to the nurse. Mike was still at my side looking all the way across the room at Jacob so I told to get his camera and go be with his son.

Mike walked over to the warmer and said "Hi, Jacob" and he turned his head toward his daddy's voice and Mike started taking pictures. This is the first one of his life.















Then he reached toward his daddy.














Mommy watched from across the room as she was getting stitched up. A doctor was sewing until 2130. I kept telling them my epidural had worn off completely and she didn't believe me until she took the catheter out 2 hours later. I kept getting upset during the suturing and she then felt bad. I had a third degree tear, a deep vaginal tear, and a tear to my urethra. That is the one that has really, really hurt!



That scale does say 9 pounds 9.7 ounces. He was 22 inches long with a 15.25 inch head. I am hoping I will be in a better place by the time I get back to work but I keep wondering how things would have or could have gone if I had my doctor there instead. Would he have let me push so long or would he have said enough? Would things have been so stinking traumatic for Jacob and I or not? (the application of the suction to Jacob's head caused some of my internal ripping).



This is the wound that Jacob had from the suction cup. It looks like he has a giant, deep laceration from the cup. As they got it cleaned up better they saw that it was more like a horrible burn. They had to call in the doctor for the NICU to come and look at this wound. He contacted a neonatologist in Denver because he was concerned with a wound like this on the head with Jacob having been absolutely covered in his own stool. They didn't want him to get an infection right next to his soft spot and then into his brain. Not a good idea huh? So Jacob got whisked away from us. The nurse passed by and let me take a quick look as Jacob went to the NICU for all this looking over. They were worried about his lungs too and they took a chest xray. It took two hours before he came back and then when he did the nurse put him over in the warmer across the room from me and left. I wasn't allowed to get up yet and it was me and Jake but there wasn't anything I could do to get closer to my baby. Mike came back and moved the warmer as close as the cords would allow so at least I was finally able to touch my baby. We were in recovery for a long time. Jake had to have a sat monitor on and I bled quite heavily so I had to just hang out for extra time to make sure I was going to be okay. It was awful. I never want to repeat this experience and then it got worse but I will go into that in the next chapter...

We're HOME!!

Hopefully in the next day or so I can get some pictures on here and get a few words written about our little "journey." Nothing has gone as planned or even remotely as expected. I guess that has been true about the entire process of getting and being pregnant. Why should I think things would change now???

We got home yesterday afternoon and now we are trying to figure out what the hell we are doing. We are preparing for the mass of visitors and I am being forced to stuff my baby to the point of his getting sick (not at all happy about this front). But I had to beg and plead, not to mention cry my eyes out, to get the hell out of the hospital. Anyway, we are finally HOME!!!!

quick update

I only have a minute and I can't get the f*c*i!# computer to upload the pictures off of my camera and I am pissed. As we all know I can, I will give a more lengthy explanation later but nothing happened as it was supposed to or as I was hoping for. Jacob Wayne was finally born at 2023 on August 29th instead of the the 28th. This didn't go all that well and my 9lb 9.7oz boy is still in the hospital and I am not. I never ever dreamed my baby would be in the NICU but he is and I am heading up for another feeding right now.

Today!

Today is the day and I am so nervous! I hardly slept at all last night. On top of the nerves it was very hot and humid. I got up hoping to take a picture of the lunar eclipse but it was cloudy out and you couldn't see a thing. I mean how many people can say there was a very rare lunar eclipse the day they were born? A lot probably, but Jake could have been one of them.

It is hard to believe that in less than an hour I will be making one of the most important trips to the hospital in my life. I mean I go there almost everyday, but it is like this is the first time. Mike and I talked and talked last night. He couldn't sleep either, but now he is out like a log. Good thing he does his cleaning up before he goes to bed. He was all stressed out last night about all the things he hasn't gotten done at home and how he is going to get me set up at the hospital and then he is going to run home and finish a few last things. I wanted to smack him up side the head and yell about how he has had more than a week where he hasn't gone to work and he could have, should have, had all of those things done days ago, but I didn't. I just told him he wasn't allowed to be gone long and if I called he needed to get his ass back up there. He detests hospitals. He gets very very anxious there. He feels very helpless and as we all know that is a terrible feeling when we have no control over what is happening. Here is this great big strong guy and there is nothing he can do. He is really worried about me being in pain. I am worried about how he will handle everything. This big macho guy is concerned about blood and the "stuff that comes out." He is afraid he will faint and how will that look and who will take care of me then. I am worried about how often he will have to go out to smoke since he will be so stressed. I tried to get him something but he didn't want gum or patches and said he would take care of it himself. Well, he didn't.

Anyway, we talked and talked last night. We have been together for almost nine years. Mike's birthday is on Thursday and here is his present! I still think we don't have a clue how much our lives are about to change. We are both very stubborn people who like to have things our own way. I suspect we are about to bring another person just like that into this world! Almost nine years of just the two of us. I think our lives are just beginning now...

40w 6d

I don't know how I feel today. I feel some relief in knowing that no matter what this will end tomorrow and then everything actually begins. I don't feel as scared as I have, but somehow I am guessing I won't sleep much tonight. At this point I am so uncomfortable I hardly sleep as it is. I am trying to poke or prod my husband into getting the basement and a few other things finished. He actually has made some progress, but it seems to make a difference when I am sitting in the room watching him. (the pig sticker helps too).

I have been contracting all day, but they don't seem to have any rhyme or reason at this time. My back seems to be really tight all the time though. I keep thinking maybe I won't have to wait until tomorrow but I'm just not there yet. My husband is asking all sorts of questions he thinks that I should have answers for or rather that there should actually be answers for. Like will you go into labor in the middle of the night? Maybe, it isn't like my body will decided that since it is night it should rest instead of give birth. How long will it take for the induction? Don't know every person is different and no two pregnancies that any woman has are the same. He didn't like that and thought I was being smart. I told him I would like to give him an exact time, but I don't freaking know!!! I'm just tired I guess.

I am extremely tired of the phone ringing and people wanting to know what is going on and why did I talk to so and so but not them. Well, so and so called already so I talked to them. When you tell someone that you will let them know when the baby is born you mean it. So if you don't call it means one of two things (to me at least) the baby hasn't been born or things may not be going well and they haven't had a chance to call and let you know yet. I keep thinking about putting a message on our answering machine that just says we aren't taking any calls at this time and don't call us we will call you. Both of our cellphones have been ringing constantly, even emails. I find texting and emails are more pleasant to deal with. Some how the people don't seem to be as rude. And why are they being rude to us anyway? WE ARE WAITING TOO!!!

40w 5d

I can do it right? I can push this boy out even though he keeps getting bigger every single day right? I hope so. The thing is, I help fix things that happen to women's bodies after pushing these babies out. Some of them it is because of how many they had, some because of how big the babies were, and some... just because. I'm just a bit scared.

I survived my mother yesterday. She showed up before her hair appointment to drop off a cake she had made and to tell me she was going to the doctor before coming over. The first thing she said to me was "you aren't as big as I thought you would be." Gee, what a compliment. I guess that is better than saying the baby has grown so much in the past two weeks in the fashion she said it before.

We managed to keep her visit to less than 6 hours I think. We wouldn't really let her do anything, but what that meant was that we really didn't get to do anything either. It felt like another wasted day. Then after she left we got in a fight because Mike "went to the basement to work" much of the visit, but what he really did was take a nap in a chair in the basement. So things really didn't change at all down here. Little has been accomplished in a week. He made a comment to me about something I bought for the house, that it wasn't the right thing, and I apologized and said that I was just trying to help. Then he snapped at me and I cried for two hours I think. So I cry and he gets mad because I am crying. Great! We get a lot accomplished that way.

I drug my bawling but out to the store at 730 last night and spent a fortune on picture frames. I want to get some family pictures put up in Jake's room today and I needed to get some new or additional frames. That seemed to help dry my eyes up a bit. My face looks so swollen and puffy as it is, I know I had to really look great at the store! The left side of my face that is still trying to recover is a lot worse than the right side. It almost looks like I have had dental work done or I need to have dental work done because that cheek is so much puffier. Nothing like a never ending pregnancy to make a gal feel sexy! Everything is swollen from your toes to your face, the veins bulging in your legs and your husband is well aware that he isn't going to be able to have sex with you for the next six weeks. So he just makes sure to turn off all the lights and make sure the curtains are closed tightly so he can't see you at all...

Back to the never ending pregnancy. One of the doctors I work with lives up the street and he likes to play farmer. He has a bunch of horses and a couple of fields and a collection of crap like you have never seen. I am debating waddling up to his house and seeing if I can ride a tractor around for awhile to see if I could jostle myself into labor. The nasty gravel roads haven't done it but maybe the actual vibration of a tractor or whatever would do the trick. I suggested it to Mike yesterday and he wasn't keen on the idea. The lawn needs to be cut today, maybe I could ride the mower for awhile, huh? I don't know but I think I will go do some laundry, vacuum again, scrub the floors another time, and hang the pictures in Jake's room. He may even see it one day!!!

I guess the only good thing here is that this buys me a bit of time with the photographer, right? And maybe after they make me labor for hours upon hours and I will have to have c-section because Jake has grown to 18 pounds. So then he will have a nicely shaped head for such pictures. Funny, the last two people I know that went to this photographer did have c-sections after laboring for hours with their first baby (also boys). Both of those boys were over 9 pounds at birth!

Grrr....

I am trying to remember right now that I really like my OB and that I see him for all of his knowledge and experience and crap. I am miserable. My back hurts, my feet hurt and I am ready to be done. I am terrified of getting Jake out and each day that passes makes it worse. My OB wanted me to come back and see him next Tuesday and do a biophysical profile and then do an induction on fricking FRIDAY!! That is when I started crying and said I don't think I could wait that long. I told him the baby would be 25 pounds by then! He said that well we could do it on Tuesday if there weren't already two inductions on the schedule for that day if that is what I wanted. NO, I want TODAY!!!! He checked the schedule while I got dressed and continued to cry on my husband. Thankfully at least there weren't already two on for the day. Then as I was leaving he gave me my pat on the shoulder and said there was about a fifty/fifty chance I might not have to be induced by then. He was pleased that I had dilated since I had seen him last.

This is not what I was hoping for!!! I know he is not big on inductions, but I am over due now. I didn't ask him to schedule one for convenience. Now it is about having both of us make through with the least amount of injury for Pete's sake!!!! Dear God, help me! I need some strength here. I need strength and patience. I need a lot of both to make it through my mom's visit tomorrow! My husband said he might go over to his friend's house tomorrow night and "drink some beers" because he doesn't want to be here around my mother. Ok, she can't stay that long and if he goes out drinking then I WILL go into labor and he will be drunk at the hospital like he was when I electrocuted myself just before my birthday. I talked to my sister and she said I need to make some brownies and drink half a glass of wine! The brownies sound really good at least.

Soon to be Mommy and Daddy

Here the pictures Mike took of us last weekend. That is the first time I have seen Mike's face look so excited since he was telling everyone at Christmas that we were pregnant. I don't get that face. If only he got so excited about things like the nursery and getting the house done. He literally got just the front enough of the side yard mowed so that we could take these pictures. Anyway here we are thinking that in fact this pregnancy may end in delivery any second! Oh how we were wrong! We will see what happens at our appointment today. Maybe he can make my body do something because I don't know if I can make it another weekend! I forwarded an email yesterday afternoon, well after my normal time to be off work and I got a reply from my mom wanting to know what I was doing home from work! Are they making me stay home now?? Funny thing is, she is the one that should have still been at work! Anyway, she said that she will be in town tomorrow to get her hair cut and she will be by my house to help me! I will say that she did help me when I got my gallbladder out so I know it is possible, but 99.9% of the time it isn't so. If she is truly helping me then she is probably stepping on Mike's toes and he is trying to hide from her. She then thinks he is a terrible husband because he isn't there when I need him. Well... he and I may have a different set of expectations for him as a husband, but he isn't as bad as my mom thinks at least. No one is good enough... not Mike, not even me and as my sister likes to remind me, I am the favored child.

Still...

We had horrible storms last night. Tons of rain and terrible winds. We are still trying to assess our tree damage in our yard. We do seem to have some though and we are concerned about the biggest of the trees in our yard. There are a few branches on the ground under it, but the thing that concerns us is that there are branches now hanging nearly to the ground. They weren't like like yesterday. We tried to see if there was something split or detached and we can't see anything, but why are the branches hanging more than six feet lower than yesterday? We just took our picture under this tree this weekend so we know there was plenty of room to stand under it. We just can't see any injury, but these branches go up about 20 feet.

So the barometric pressure changes didn't make Jake come out. The midwife rubbing my belly yesterday and trying to talk him out didn't work. I did go to work this morning and I left about 1130. There were only 2 ORs with cases and there was enough staff for six rooms plus me as extra so there was no point to my presence. I walked and walked at work. I lifted things and just did my job in general. Nope. My OB was about the only surgeon working today and he kept asking me if I was in labor yet. Nope. I came home and had to force my husband to have sex with me. Yeah, I mentioned sex and the next thing I know he is stripped and in bedroom wanting to know what is taking me so long to get in there. That seemed to wake Jake up, but that is all. He said if he had too he could probably do it again later. Of course he is now sleeping in his chair after get his back adjusted because he is in so much pain. He isn't supposed to do anything for at least a couple of hours. Like he needs any encouragement! Anyway, then we went out to lunch for Mexican and I ate food as absolutely spicy as I can tolerate it, and I can do hot food. That just elicited a bunch of kicking. Then I went shopping and wandered around and around the store. I never registered for or bought any burp clothes at all so I thought I better go pick up some clothe diapers to do the job. I seemed to end up with quite a lot of stuff for just some diapers. I just kept thinking, this will be the last time I will be able to go shopping at will all on my own. So all that walking didn't help either. I did buy a sling to carry Jake that I thought looked like it would work pretty well for dog walking, rather than taking the stroller for a 10 minute walk! I got some other stuff too.

Yesterday I drove down one of the worst gravel road I know, twice. I should go now today since it rained last night and then again today. Problem is, the road isn't as safe now... So I think I will take another long walk with Molly. Thank God it is cooler today because I am getting to be miserable most of the time. I was actually able to sleep for four straight hours last night without having to go to the bathroom and I apparently rolled over without waking up too.

I am scared and keep wondering what I have done and question my sanity. I cried for two hours last night. I was so tired and stuff needed to get done. Mike didn't do shit. He spent an hour on the phone with his dad going back and forth from the breezeway watching the weather to watching TWC. I was just pissed. I was very frustrated because I wanted my husband's time and help. I am worried about how much he is going to help me. He obviously doesn't do much to help me now and that frustrates me. Here I am 52months pregnant (or feeling like it) and I am cleaning the floors, scrubbing the bathroom and doing dishes.

I got some news today that wasn't what I was wanting. There is a photographer about two hours away that I really, really want to take Jake's newborn pictures. She does absolutely amazing work and I didn't call her soon enough. She is extremely busy with Senior pictures right now and is "double booked." I want her to take his pictures more than anything. They wouldn't tell me no for certain but they weren't sure we could be worked in. Since you most of us don't know exactly when we will give birth she won't schedule anything for you ahead of time. So I have to call when Jake finally comes and maybe, just maybe she can work me in. There are several photographers around that do a good job, but these pictures are so far above and beyond what they do and she doesn't really charge more. I don't know if we are going to do this again. I don't know if we just figured out what we needed to do to get pregnant on our own or if Jake is just a very precious gift from God, a one time thing. I don't know. I don't know if we will have this opportunity again and I want to have these amazing pictures to cherish for the rest of my life. Stupid me for not calling sooner. (although I haven't know the photographer's name for very long, even though I keep seeing her pictures around).

Anyway, I have laundry to do, a walk to go on, and I will probably find something else to scrub. Scrubbing something always seems to help when I am upset. Plus I still haven't finished Jake's baby blanket. It has been way too hot to be having yarn in my lap!!! I won't be going back to work again until the end of October!! I can't believe it. I almost cried as I was gathering up my things today. Even though I complain a lot about my job, I really do love it. Some of the people piss me off, and there is a ton of stress, but I do like it. At least some things should be worked out by the time I get back with the schedule and the surgery center sucking the life out of us.

I see my doctor tomorrow afternoon, unless - God willing - something happens between now and then! Please don't let me make it through the weekend!!!! So maybe I won't be writing for a bit!

Not yet!

So you would think with the HUGE weather front we are having that my body would kick into action. But no luck so far! I just feel miserable in the humidity. I "worked" today. I did do work but I am starting to feel a bit useless. I did get quite a lot accomplished. There really isn't anything else left for me to do that I HAVE to do. Well, there is one thing. I still haven't filled out my leave of absence papers. They are so damned confusing, for a reason I'm sure. I have had to fill them out with each surgery I have had, but I am a bit confused as to how to do it now, especially since I will have medical leave for six weeks and then family medical leave for an additional three. My boss only yells at you about them so I need to go to HR and have them help me. I have another thing there I need to take care of as well so I just need to get there. Technically I don't have to have the paperwork done before the baby comes, but within a few days. Anyway, I just need to get it done.

I took Molly for a LONG walk tonight and it did nothing for my body. I am irritated with my husband for accomplishing almost nothing in the last three days and I just can't bring my self to have sex at this moment. I am still going to mop the floor and va

c the living room and dining room tonight so maybe that will do the trick.

I took these pictures last week I think. I felt like a whale then and I know it is worse now. I don't remember if I have mentioned it but I got bit on my tummy a couple of times and so I scratched the bites. Then my already sensitive skin got irritated by my support hose and now I have been dealing with heat rash from the edge of my hose down for like the last six weeks. I itch so stinking bad. Some days there are big blisters in my beautiful stretch marks.

Funny, the "kiss me i'm irish" should be over my belly instead of my breasts. Jake is a lot more Irish than I am! Stubborn little stinker!

Not yet!

Yes, we are still pregnant. I have almost everything tied up at work and will be as finished as I can be tomorrow. Actually, there is nothing right now that can't wait for a week or three since there I still have the ability to go up there or call. I just like to have every single i dotted and t crossed. But tomorrow I will do the last of it and then maybe... There are still a few hours left today though. I wouldn't be able to have my doctor if Jake comes today and I don't want the one that is on so... I don't mind waiting until tomorrow. What is one more day at this point???

Still here

Jake and I are still joined at the cord, and a few other things. I am continuing to work because I need to and today they needed me. What a day from hell! I didn't leave until a little after 1800 and there where still three rooms going with little end in sight! I must say that my charge nurse has been very nice to me and I am feeling bad about saying I hoped I didn't have to work with her again until I got back. Her mood has improved so much since she had her surgery. It must have really made her feel better, for which I am glad. No one should suffer when there is something that can easily be done to fix it. That is why we do what we do. That is why I stay late and work extra. Part of it anyway... The bad news is that we found out we are having another survey for two weeks! This time it is the state. I have never seen them come before. We were told that we are their very first stop as well. Great!!! If I still didn't have things I wanted/needed to accomplish I would do whatever I could to get this party rolling. There is still hope that I might go into labor tonight... but somehow I doubt it. Maybe after tomorrow... I think I keep saying or thinking that. I don't know. If I work another 12 hour day tomorrow I won't have to got back anymore. I just don't want to deal with surveyors. I make such a good target too. I'm big and I move slowly.

Have I mentioned that this baby feels HUGE??? I think you start to feel so miserable at the end so you don't care anymore about all the doubts you have about yourself and all the horror stories people tell you. I don't know, but I kind of thought today would be the day work would put me into labor!!!

Hope

I sat waited at the OB office forever today. I was about ten minutes early getting there and I waited for about an hour. I'm guessing the whole day got back logged because there were two doctors and a nurse practitioner in surgery for a couple hours longer than originally scheduled due to an emergency. (Gee I had to suffer for it in the morning and then again in the afternoon!) Oh well...

So the appointment went well. (as previously posted) I saw the midwife today because my doctor was gone. I like her very much. I had a hard time deciding which route I was going to go, to the midwife or to the OB's, when I was making my health care provider selection. I love my doctor, but I always feel a bit more comfortable talking more openly to one of the female doctors/midwife/nurse practitioners. Some of it is because they are women and have actually experienced these things and I think some of it is that they are closer to my age. I don't know (plus their hands are smaller!)

***CAUTION, TMI AHEAD***Looking at my chart, she could tell me that I definitely have had progress since last week. They always ask you about if you have been leaking any fluid or had any spotting or "show" and all that. Of course I have not observed any of these things. But when she did the exam I was already in the process of losing my plug. And she said that I am 1-2 cm dilated, but she could stretch me to the 2 cm without much difficulty. It may not have been difficult, but it was more than uncomfortable. I am also 50% effaced. There is always the difference in examiner and so she said I might have been 1 cm before but my doctor's fingers are just too big to give me that credit. She also said that maybe I wasn't and now I am. Well either way we have progress and she made me bleed like a stuck pig (actually as I said some of the blood was already on its way). I must say I have not missed having blood coming out of my body and am not looking forward to the time after delivery. So she gave me hope! She said there is a chance I might not be pregnant next Friday. She asked how long I was continuing to work and said it was fine to keep going back. She told me to keep having sex (not today though) to help encourage my body along. And she told me she was on call this weekend and it was possible that I might be seeing her. I won't hold my breath to that, but I am at least feeling a bit better that something is happening with my body and I may not be pregnant forever. When I asked about how long they would let me stay pregnant she said my risks of c-section are so much higher with the first pregnancy being induced that they would really rather WAIT awhile longer before making that decision. What!!!! Well, a WEEK TO TEN DAYS after my due date, but I would have to talk to my doctor about that IF I have to come back next week. I would think my chance at a c-section would go up if they waited a whole week because this baby is so freaking big!!! God is still trying to teach me patience. You would think it would be apparent by now that patience is not my strong point!

At least when (if?) I go back to work on Monday I can say I have made progress!

Getting nervous

Here we are, Jake and I, waiting some more. I am officially getting nervous/scared. I have a coworker that is driving me nuts. She is a total bitch and she acts like she is nice to you and gives a shit, but she really doesn't. She keeps asking me questions with answers that are intended to scare me. I have to just blow her off, but it is starting to get hard. (she is the one that tried to get me freaked out about my daycare).

So again, here we wait. Jake has been a bit quieter this week which has had me a little worried. I know he doesn't have much space to move so he doesn't seem to do it much. I was sitting in the rocking chair in Jake's now nearly finished room while my husband was finally replacing the outlets. (he still has a phone jack to fix, but I let it go today). Anyway, I was sitting in the chair listening to my husband curse as he changed the outlets. I don't know why he didn't do it sooner it took less than 20 minutes to do all of them and one of them he had trouble with. That time also included lots of talking to me and a phone call. He was asking me about Jake and I told him about his movements (or lack there of). We have had tons of hiccups, and a bit of wiggling but not so much stretching or wiggling around. I don't know if it was hearing his daddy or what but Jake woke up and hasn't gone back to sleep. It has been more than four hours and he is making up for all the quiet of the week. I think he is trying to do his part to get the hell out of there.

While Mike was working he kept telling me that he had so many things still to do and he just wanted to make sure he got them all done for me. I wanted to laugh. He just doesn't want to go to work. I told him that he HAS to go to work now because soon enough he will be home not earning any money. So he has been stopping his feet like a giant child with his lip out, but he will be going to work. He doesn't like the person he is lined up to run with and he complained about all the people around that person (just in case he got paired with the person ahead or behind). Poor baby! We all have to do things we don't want to sometimes. I seem to do a lot and he seems to do very little. (He tried telling me how important it was for him to go to my appointment with me tomorrow. Now he has gone to quite a few, but certainly not all of them!! I told him not to worry because there wasn't going to be any change)

Although it is still hot, it has been a bit cooler the past two days and it has really helped! It seems to have brought out my hunger. I think I have eaten more in the last week than the whole previous month. I feel like a human garbage disposal! We will see what happens with my weight tomorrow. I will just say that I am swollen if they comment. I will have a different nurse weighing me since I am seeing the midwife and hopefully she won't be judgemental. Obviously if you look at my chart you can see that my weight has changed very little from the first to the current weigh in. We will see, we will see...

Hey, my mom called and said that she cancelled her hair appointment for Saturday and is going somewhere with one of her friends instead! I was so excited. She claimed her stylist cut her hair too short last time and she needed to give it a bit longer, but really the answer was that she had a better offer. She said she would be happy to come or change her plans if I needed her. Thanks, but I'm good. I have to work Saturday and there is a going away party for a (now) former coworker in the evening. I have offered myself as a DD so I have to be there. I did tell people they would have to ride around the car seat though cuz it ain't coming out now!!! Then Sunday we have a retirement party for a physician that has been in our community for 35 years. I am so sad to see him go. He is one of the last of a dying breed. The sad thing is that he really doesn't want to retire, it is just all the bullshit at the hospital administration and new surgery center has him saying enough. His last day he spent with us in the OR and he keeps sneaking back because he misses us. We miss him too... The sad thing is, we know things are only going to get worse before they level out. We just don't know what kind of time frame we are dealing with.

HOT!!

Today is my day off because I have to work Saturday and I miss work. Even though the rooms there are unusually hot this year (not just to me) they are still cooler than this damn house!!! I have good news! Out of the $450 in bras I ordered there did manage to be two that I think will work. I already have them washed up and put in my bag for the hospital. Everyday that bag seems to get heavier and heavier. I need to have this baby soon because I am going to have get a larger bag out if I don't!

It is supposed to be a bit cooler for the rest of the week and I sure hope it is. I am hardly sleeping at night with the heat, my ginormous body, my bladder and my aching hips and back. I have noticed a difference in my short term memory in the past couple of weeks. It seemed to start just after my face seemed to balloon out. I either don't recognize myself anymore because I have don't remember what I look like or my face is as puffy as my left ankle! I am leaning toward the puffy thing. I will say this morning I flooded the freaking bathroom because I turned on the water in the sink and plugged it to wash out my stockings and walked away to grab something. I forgot all about it. It was probably 10-15 minutes later I was in the kitchen (cooking of course so I had a burner on) and I thought I could hear water dripping in the basement. I at least had the sense to take my eggs off the burner before going to investigate and holy shit there was water dripping down out of the ceiling! I immediately realized what I had done and I moved a lot faster than I thought I could up those stairs! I just thought it was too bad that I went to all the work to mop the floor and wash the rugs on Sunday since it happened again today.

Did I mention how hot it is? Man! I was sad to see another blog I have been reading for sometime went private. I don't comment often on some when I feel like I don't have a lot of insight on their journey, but I read along and feel for them. I don't always feel like I have the right to comment because in the end I didn't have the same struggle or have to endure the things they did. It still makes me sad, like I lost a friend though. You really start to care about people and their lives even though you will never actually know them. They open a window into their struggles and their souls to you. It is hard to not want to see them through to the end. All I can say is good luck...too late.

Tick tock, here we wait

I had a terrible time sleeping last night. It is so stinking hot and humid at night in our house. Sometimes I am lucky if I can make it 2 hours without having to get up to go to the bathroom. Each time I wake up the hip that is down is just killing me too. Not much I can do I guess. These are some of the "normal" parts of pregnancy that I actually get to experience.

When I got up this morning you could see and taste the air in the room. What do I mean. Well, we have two windows in our bedroom, one on the north and one on the east so we do occasionally get some cross ventilation. So this morning it was incredibly foggy outside. It was also foggy in my bedroom. I have never seen that before! The fog was so think you could taste it. Actually for just a moment I was afraid there was smoke in our room, but that was only a split second. Funny, because now the humidity is back down where it should be for these parts, below 15%. It is also 100 degrees, but at least it isn't humid.

I didn't manage to go out before my charge nurse because she was back today, but she was actually in a very good mood. Apparently she feels better! Good, I'm glad. I would be so happy if this would last a week! We will see.

My sister called me yesterday afternoon and that surprised me. I talked to her while waiting at the crappy cell phone place on Saturday morning so I wasn't expecting to talk to her again so soon. She had just gotten off the phone with my mother and she felt she needed to warn me and get me prepared. I have to call my mother and set some boundaries with her. Great, she just ignores you! It is funny, in a pathetic sort of way, I was asked as an assignment in nursing school to "draw my personal boundaries." How the hell do you draw that?!? I didn't know. I didn't do the assignment. Part of the problem was that I had such poor boundaries. Well, working as a nurse for a few years has helped me establish a few. So has maturing, period. I still have the tendency to go out of my way to help my coworkers and be accommodating, but I have some very clear boundaries as well. That is something we all need to have, right? So I am going to have to slam down a wall with my mom. Mike and I have been extremely accommodating to our families. We work very hard trying to please everyone and some how I always seem to come in last. Not Mike, just me.

Anyway, with my sister coming I knew my mom would take advantage of the situation. I don't expect my sister to travel all this way and have my mom only live an hour and a half away and have to two not meet. I knew I was going to have to put up with my mom as did my sister and still she was nice enough to plan to up and help me. There in lies the key. She is coming up to help ME with my new baby! She is not coming up for a family reunion. My sister said that my mom is planning on picking my sister up at the airport on Saturday and then everyone will stay at my house for the weekend and my mom will go home on Monday evening. No, I don't think so. My sister asked my mom is she had talked to me about this. My sister informed my mom that maybe she better talk to me about this before she makes any plans. Like I said, I knew it would be inevitable, but the first stinking person my sister sees when she gets off the plane is not going to be my mother. I am going to have to inform my mother that she can come to my house on Sunday, but not Saturday. My mom was telling my sister that they could share my spare bed or that my mom could sleep on my couch. Well, she may sleep on the couch on Sunday, but not Saturday. We will see who will be more stubborn. My mom can chooses to ignore your wishes sometimes or she decides that she will be offended. I guess she will just have to be offended, because it just isn't happening. I think I deserve to have a say about my life and my house guests. I would like my sister to be able to have a day of "peace" (whatever that is when you have to travel and then coming into a house with a newborn) before having my mother shoved down your throat. I feel like I owe that to my sister.

I have to get up and move. I took my support hose off when I got home and now sitting here in this chair my left ankle and foot are swelling something awful. I can't wait for that part to be over!!! Mike looked at my feet last night and actually got up out of his chair so I could put my feet up. Did that mean he helped me do anything else? No. I cleaned the entire bathroom and kitchen. I did a ton of his laundry. I put together the swing. I cleaned in Jake's room. I moved some things to the basement. I went on six walks with dogs. I FINALLY got the car seat put in my car. I finished writing thank yous and I wrote a bunch of cards among other things. What did Mike do yesterday? I'm not really sure. I know he slept until almost noon (but he did get home from work at like 2am). I know he went to visit his friend I can't stand and he hung two curtain rods in the baby's room. That is all I know he did for the entire day yesterday. There was much sitting in the chair. Some talking on the phone, but it seems like a whole day wasted. I think he spent all of today sleeping until I came home and he went to work. Oh well, I guess...

OB visit 38w3d

So I got another pat on the shoulder and told not to worry about having a baby next week while my doctor is gone!!! No change, just a growing baby. I was just looking at pictures of tiny little quads and thinking about the giant baby I am going to have. I can't imagine holding those tiny little things! Won't be a problem here!

So no change in my cervix at all but at least they liked my blood pressure this week. This morning I woke up with terribly swollen fingers and I told them. I felt like my fingers were going to pop while I was at work and I was really worried about what my blood pressure might be. So, since I am surrounded by equipment to monitor vital signs I took my bp a few times today and for the love of God! The highest I got was 117/62! It was only slightly higher than that when I was at the doctors office 118/70. So not going to get induced for that! That is alright I still have a lot to do at work. The problem is that we are so short right now that I am having to work really hard. Not good. I get so stinking tired, but my body seems to be holding up! I just can't bend over and I can hardly reach anything anymore because my belly is so stinking big. (just ask my mother)

I have been an emotional wreck this week. I came home from work two hours late yesterday because I was trying to get some things done just in case I was given restrictions today. As I was driving home I started feeling horribly guilty about being gone from work to be off with my baby! I needed my head examined! Then I felt overwhelmed with guilt that I wanted to put work a head of my own child. So then I started crying and it just kept happening from there. I came in the house and my husband was really crabby and so I cried. I went and got dinner for him and then I needed to go buy some cards but I couldn't find the list of what I needed to buy so I cried to forty-five minutes! Today was one coworker's last day and next Saturday is another one's last day. I like both very much and I wanted to get them cards and a memento of some sort, but it proved to be too difficult for me last night. So I went after being told the boy ain't coming out today instead.

Then last night I went to bed and struggled to read for awhile. I got up to go to the bathroom one more time and that is when my husband came home from visiting his parents. He had some pictures on his phone that he showed me. A stray puppy showed up at his parent's house as he was trying to leave. The puppy was skinny and dehydrated and had a bloated tummy. She was whimpering and exhausted. Mike gave her some water and tried to give her something to eat. He gave her a little attention and she laid down at his feet and let him scratch her shoulders and she feel dead asleep like babies do. Mike said she was pretty young. He called the police to get her to the Humane Society and he actually ended up meeting the policeman there with her. The thing about her was that she looked exactly like my Molly did when I got her. So that got me crying again. She also melted the heart of my big grouchy husband as well. Even though he gives my dog a hard time it really tugged at his heart how much she looked like my dog and how she trusted him so quickly. He actually wanted to bring her home! He said he wished we lived on a farm or acreage and he would have brought her home. He felt bad leaving her and went to check on her today. He has yet to buy one thing for his son, but he took a bag of puppy food and a toy to the pound today.

I actually don't feel ready for Jake to come. Some how I doubt I will ever be ready, but I found myself hoping for another week. I still enjoy watching him and he makes me very uncomfortable a lot but I still want him in there. I have things I need to do. Mike has a lot of things he needs to do! I just know the longer he stays in there the harder it will be for him to come out. My doctor won't consider talking about induction yet. Not until after next week and I'm not scheduled to see him again until the 24th. Next week I will be seeing the midwife at their office so I will be interested to see what she says.

So, I guess I keep going to work. I keep coming home exhausted. And I keep trying to get crap done around the house! My doctor did remind me that I told him way back at the beginning that I thought we would have to tell Jake to come out or at least he was going to stay in a long time. He also said I was right that I was going to have a big baby. Some how being right this time doesn't feel good.

Damned

I seem to be damned if I do and damned if I don't. I guess I am a touch emotional today. I had a reasonably hard day at work and I was hoping to come home and relax but that isn't the case. I even tried to get my husband to go to a movie so at least we could get out of this hot house and someplace cool where I can leave this world behind and get lost in another. So, my issue is I miss my husband now terribly when he is gone. I want nothing more than for him to be home with me. He is home with me having done nothing today but spend $200 and the afternoon working on the car that was to save us money. I am pissed. Less so about the car and more so about all the things that need to be done in our house that remain unfinished.

He did have to work last night and didn't get home until about one thirty I think. However, he spent six hours of his 12 hour shift in the depot in a comfortable chair watching TV or napping because his train wasn't ready. It sounds terribly strenuous I know. So I worked an 8 hour shift doing things that are physically difficult for me and I went to the chiropractors. Then I came home and even though I really really didn't want to I walked my dog about half a mile in the 95 degree heat. I came in absolutely exhausted and sucked down water and a then peeled off my support hose only to be greeted with whining. Mike hadn't taken his dog out since I walked him this morning. Did he get his large ass up out of the chair? No, his largely pregnant wife managed to roll her fat ass off the couch to walk his dog. Now I need to stop whining myself and go do dishes, finish my thank yous, and keep working on organizing things in the nursery that is still not fully put together. I was stupid and decided to make thank yous since I spent all this money on the stuff my SIL sells. What and idiot! I spent six hours working on them yesterday and that was mostly just writing them. I worked on making them the week before! Well, there certainly won't be anything I made sent out after Jake comes. Those people will get Hallmark! I'm just so frustrated because there are so many things that still need to be done that I can't physically do. If I could, they would already be finished and it pisses me off. It makes me resent my husband and that is really bad. I just want to shake him and tell him to stop being so lazy, but I know the hours he works really take a toll on his body. I know he has a hard time knowing if he is coming or going sometimes and he just needs to take some time to recover. He just takes too damn long!!!!! I can't stand to think I am married to a lazy person, but it seems to be true. Things only get done if they are important to him.

We made it

We made it through the shower. It wasn't too bad. My MIL was actually pretty relaxed for her. My SIL and MIL seemed to get along fine and all went pretty well. My MIL was a little miffed that more people from my work didn't come but as it was we had the perfect number of people to fit on the patio and no one had to sit out in the bug filled grass. I still feel bad for my poor FIL. He really did a lot of work getting things cleaned up outside. I am sure he did it all too. Poor guy!

We got lots of good stuff. I think we have close to enough diapers to make it through the first month. Funny, no else thinks I am going to have a small baby either! My mom was the only person that bought newborn diapers! It was really hot though and that made it a bit uncomfortable. It also kept the guests from lingering, but I suppose that was fine. Everyone was out early enough to get whatever they needed to do for the day done, including me. Actually, I wanted to do nothing, but instead I went shopping for necessities. I wanted to get started on thank yous, but I was too tired. I also wanted some time to myself, but my mom lingered at my house until quarter to nine! By that time I just assumed she was planning on staying the night again. (she just does whatever she wants you know) She kept caring on about how much the baby has grown since she saw me on Monday. At least she isn't saying "look how fat you are" or "you are huge!" You can still hear what she is saying even if for once in her life she is choosing appropriate words.

My sister is worried about me getting my bag ready for the hospital and has taken it upon herself to help me pack all the way from New Mexico. Actually that is fine, because I don't know what the heck I really need and she has done this three times. So far my bag only had some underwear I bought that I hope will fit afterwards and all most of the toiletries I would need. I have been trying to figure out what I need to do for bras and she told me exactly what to do and that I had to get them ordered yesterday. I have been looking, but again I am having bra troubles. I need the instruction guide for my body. I don't have a clue what size I will need when these things start making milk! Then again you have the problem that it seems like no two brands size the same way and I was lost. I ended up ordering more than $450 in bras. That was for 10 bras. Three different styles, but several different sizes. She told me I should take a bra that fits me right now and one that is a cup larger. I am hoping with the 10 bras that I can find two that will work! I don't understand why sizing isn't more universal when you get past a D or DD.

I seemed to have a lot of trouble with things coming off my registry. However, I didn't get anything in duplicate that wasn't fine to get (lotion, wash, wipes, etc) I did have to go through all the gifts and go back and mark things off myself. The thing is, someone would buy several items and half of them would be recognized by the computer system. Like I said, it worked out fine for me, but some of the guests seemed to be a little frustrated. I know I made at least 10 adjustments. That isn't very helpful of the store is it? I can understand if someone forgets to hand in the paper or if two people happen to be shopping at the exact same time.

Well, off to do some laundry. That is what my mom really wanted to do last night. She wanted to wash all my new things and fold them and organize things for me. Have I ever mentioned when I was little and my parents were getting divorced my mom had a pretty severe organizational OCD? My mom still finds great comfort in folding. The thing is, my MIL didn't write down very well who gave me what and I kept everything in the bag with the card so I can make sure and write appropriate thank yous. (funny how I only got two things that didn't come in gift bags!) My mom was just itching to dig into those bags and pull out all the onesies, towels and wash clothes, blankets and clothes. I was torturing her by keeping her away. Maybe she shouldn't have implied a half dozen times that I have become a whale.

OB visit 37w3d

I sat in the waiting room and watched all the people go back. The waiting room was full and all the people that were there when I arrived should have gone back before me right? What about the next eight people that came in after me? Those were the ones that bothered me a bit.

I don't feel very good today. I am very tired. The humidity is killing me and I'm not getting much sleep at night. I didn't have to work terribly hard at work today which was good because I just didn't have it in me. I am worried about Monday though because I have a big day. I am getting tired of the big days. Thursday I had a big day as well. I am still trying to get everything taken care at work and I don't think people understand how much I have done or how much I still need to do. There are a lot of people who don't realize how much I do or what I do for them. Some how I just know that my charge nurse will be a big bitch and call me and ask me if I took care or this or that while I am off and then be nasty. The thing is she used to take care of some of the things that I do now and I think she misses having her hand in everything. However, she isn't doing those things now for a reason! So, I still feel a tremendous amount of stress to get things done to my liking. I know the world will go on without me, I just know I can make somethings go better if I get certain things done.

So I actually was 2 pounds above my first visit today. Then I went to the bathroom so I don't know how that actually comes out. So officially I have gained weight. They are also officially concerned with my blood pressure. It is always better when I take it at work then when I am sitting in an OB exam room. Funny how that works. Besides they make you get on a scale, go to the bathroom and then climb your fat pregnant ass up onto a table and immediately take your blood pressure. You don't even get to rest for a second. But still my pressure was 120/90 and when I take it at work it is 110-118/60's. So even though it is usually a bit higher at the office it has never been 90 and with the increased swelling in my feet I may not be pregnant much longer.

He told me to rest as much as I could this weekend. He was with me on my big day Thursday and he could see I didn't feel well today. So hopefully with some rest things will be better next week. We will see. I came home and told my husband and he says I have to take it easy but then tells me all these things I need to take care of. Then he yells at me when I start doing some of them. Then he gets mad when I ask him to do something because I can't. It makes me tired!

And here we go...

Mike and I finally got the crib together last night! There is now actually a place to lay our baby if he were born now! His room still needs to actually be put together and the curtains are being made this week, but things are going well. The curtains are kind of important, but everything else is just decoration and I doubt Jake will mind if something isn't hung up yet. A crib!!!! It is sitting out in the middle of the room to make it easier to get to both of the windows, but it is fully assembled all the sheets are on!

The results came back on my co worker's baby and they didn't find any diagnosis. They recommended some things to watch and retest in a few months. The thing now is to just get as many calories in him as possible. I think this is good new. His mom is taking it as good news, but it still doesn't explain why he has gotten so small. Interesting that two woman I work with have had babies with failure to thrive. The older one is 18months now and might be 22 pounds. I remember when they celebrated his 20 pound weigh in but I can't remember how long ago it was, maybe 6 weeks?

So, the shower... I understand things aren't going so well on that front. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS!!!!!!!! My husband won't let me say this out loud because he knows I was right that it wasn't a good idea. My MIL and SIL are at each other's throats I guess. My SIL's husband is a truck driver and she went out with him last week. She doesn't want to come back now. She wants to keep going. Her mother is saying that the shower was her idea and she has to be here to help. I knew this was going to be bad! My MIL is all pissed because not very many people have called to RSVP. I said I had no idea how many people would come and a lot of the people I work with don't believe in an RSVP. They don't know if they can come or not until it is time to actually go. Whatever. I did have someone tell me yesterday that they tried to call for several hours and the phone just rang and rang. Hmm, they have an answering machine I know. I told my husband so he called his dad to make sure the machine was on. This is when he found out that his mom was on the phone for more than 4 hours telling his sister she had to get her ass back here and help and she wouldn't answer the call waiting! My FIL is pissed because he had to take off work this morning to drive about an hour away to pick up my SIL because they were going to be driving by on their way from Oregon to Illinois! GREAT!!! I knew this wasn't going to be good. No one has given me any crap at work, but I knew it wasn't going to go well with my MIL! Mike also let a little piece of info slip that I don't think either of us were supposed to know. My sister feels guilty because she can't be here to help so she has now become a "sponsor" for the shower. Nice! Again, we couldn't help but think last night with all the drama that has gone into this, that it would have been more useful for us if no money had been spend on the party and instead on a present. We aren't trying to sound greedy, but it comes down to what we need. We need baby stuff, not a bunch of crazy women!!!

Oh, BTW, my mom stopped by the other night just so she could make sure and see me one more time while I was still pregnant because she didn't know if she would have the opportunity again. She kept telling me how much the baby has grown. Yes, I know. She kept saying it, until she actually finally said "you have gotten really wide." Thank you mother! I was still two pounds in the hole at my last weigh in. I thought I would cross over last week, but I'm sure I will this week. My friends and coworkers are nice enough, at least, to tell me that if you are standing behind me you can't tell I am pregnant. (they didn't add that I have to be standing still, because there is no doubt when I walk!!!)

Closer...

Another weekend gone by. I worked hard at home this weekend. My husband tells me I need to rest and get off my feet, but he doesn't get up onto his. I keep trying to explain to him that things still need to be done and I would be happy to relax if he wants to do whatever it is I am trying to get done. He has yet to take me up on that.

Jake is trying to make his way down. I was waking up with him way up in my ribs every morning and then as the day moves on he would move down and I can breathe easier. The last two mornings I have woken up to him not way up in my ribs. I am having terrible pelvic pressure though. It is horribly uncomfortable. I think he is just trying to push down, but it pulls and burns and cramps. I think I would like to skip a few of these steps and just have him in my arms. Actually, I don't. I want to hold onto him in there for a little bit longer still. Even though I am so hot and uncomfortable so much of the time I am still hoping to go 39 weeks. I am NOT hoping to go any more than 40 weeks.

One of my friends keeps saying "wait until you start nesting." I think I am well past that at home. I am still trying to get things accomplished because I know we will be having company and I don't want my house to be a pit. I have this overwhelming need to get things taken care of at work though. I am trying very hard to get things in order for the new surgeon. I don't think she and I are quite on the same wave length yet. She is used to working in a large hospital where they tell her how things are going to be and I am busy trying to make things how she wants them. I have a large stack of preference cards that tell us what she used for certain surgeries from the last two hospitals she practiced. I am trying like mad to get all this information into the computer. The problem is people are supposed to tell me when they schedule surgeries for her and they aren't. I have been staying late almost every day and I have managed to get a lot accomplished. I think I have the instruments in order. There are just so many things that I can't freaking control that are driving me nuts. It is so hard to get something that is new into the computer system. You have to get it into the system to get it added to the cards so people can use whatever it is for the surgery. Otherwise it is like reinventing the wheel each surgery. You try and tell people, but they forget or don't pay attention. You may not do something very often and it is hard to remember all the minute details. Having a good card makes every one's life much, much easier. I work hard to make sure my cards are up to date and accurate. I won't be able to do this while I am on maternity leave. (this is going to be something my charge nurse holds over my head for a long time as she so loves to do).

Yesterday I woke up and before I even got out of bed I could tell my feet were swollen. My little piggies would hardly bend. I had to wear my flip flops to church because I couldn't get anything else on. Then the right side got a bit better and the left side got worse. I couldn't believe it by the time I went to bed. I had my legs side by side (you know, where they naturally live) and they didn't look like they belonged to the same person. The left one was huge and the right was maybe a little puffy. I drank a bunch of water before bed and hoped things would be better in the morning. Besides having to get up 4 times to pee, things were better. It is hard for me to get out of our bed right now so having to pee so often is literally a pain. Oh well. I just hope I will be able to get back to sleep after I get up with Jake like I can now when I get up and go to the bathroom. Somehow I think it won't be the same to me or the dogs. I may end up with two outside dogs before this is all said and done. That won't work well for us since our entire yard is fenced together and not just the backyard fenced. What a pain! Speaking of pains, there he goes again!

Count down

I had a OB appointment yesterday and Mike actually went with me. He has been trying to go with me when he is home. My appointments are so exciting at all. The grouchy nurse tells me to drink water and eat NO SALT or the other nurse is nice and the doctor dashes in measures me, listens to the heartbeat and tells me to come back in X amount of time. But now, I get checked and after Mike freaked out at my first visit where they did a pap smear and stuff he said he wasn't going again when they do that! He did fine. I told him they don't have me put my legs in stirrups, that they are just bent up on the table and somehow that seemed to make all the difference to him. So any progress from last week? My cervix is softening now and his head is starting to engage. Mike asked about a million questions about when this boy is coming and the doctor listened and very nicely explained that he wished he could tell him for certain, but he can't. However, barring any unforeseen circumstances, it won't be in the next week. I know Mike is really worried about being on a train and getting here in time. He just sounded more worried talking to the doctor than he has when he talks to me. It was actually kind of funny to listen to them talk because I know them both so well. Mike says he doesn't trust doctors, but in the end he was hanging on every word he said. I basically got patted on the head and told see ya next week!

I have kind of good news and news that shouldn't be good, but feels great to me! First and most important, my co worker's baby doesn't have leukemia. That is good news. There were several things that have been ruled out, but we still don't know what is wrong with him. However, it is being taken seriously now. He had a bunch of blood sent to the Mayo Clinic and now she is waiting to hear. I don't know how they can get enough blood to do all the studies they need when the patient is only 13 pounds. It seems like we have to take tube after tube of blood to do normal tests. He doesn't have that much blood!!

So I feel a tiny bit guilty for this news that is making my life better. My charge nurse is having surgery on Monday. I'm very sorry she needs to have surgery. I am very happy there is a nice laparoscopic surgery that can help her problem. It is just wonderful for me that right now is when she is having her surgery. She says she will only be off work for about a week and then she can come back, but not lift anything. She is the only person in our entire department tha would be allowed to do that. I don't want her to have any complications, but things are never quite as simple with her as they would be with someone else. She has already been off for 6 weeks or so this year with various health problems. Again, she is the only person in the department that this would be tolerated. It doesn't matter what your doctor says. The thing is that her time has been broken up into several chunks of time. She has a lot of health problems. Anyway, back to how this impacts my life. Again, it is unfortunate that she has to do this, but I am glad her problem can be fixed with surgery. It is very unlikely that she will only be off for one week. Maybe someone who is extremely healthy could manage, but that isn't the case here. My FIL boss had this same surgery done earlier this year. He is about five years older than she is only he is extremely healthy and in very good physical shape. He tried to come back to his office the second week after his surgery and he could only make a for a few hours a day. So again back to me, I may not have to work with her again until I come back from maternity leave!!!!!!!!

Just this past week I have had two coworkers come to me and voice their concerns for me about the assignments she makes for me. I was really surprised by one of the people. She generally isn't very nice to me and she volunteered to do extra work so I could avoid being exposed to xrays in that room. I was surprised and that was very nice of her. The unfortunate thing is that I then had to go to another room and that room was also taking xrays. In the first room I could have been slightly farther from the xray machine which is the key, but... that is what she does. The other person said that one day she heard someone question the charge nurse about the assignments she made and said shouldn't we try and do something different. The charge nurse said that every woman that continues to work in the department when she is pregnant signs an agreement that she knows she will be exposed to certain things. The whole fucking point is that she is supposed to try to avoid or limit our exposures as much as she can. She is just such a bitch she actually puts you in more risk. This is apparent to most people who pay attention to what is happening around them. Sometimes certain coworkers have been nice enough to volunteer to change assignments with me or do something that I shouldn't. Isn't that terrible? All of us in the department have to bend over backwards to accommodate her many issues, but she is a total bitch about helping most of the rest of us. There are only a few people she willingly helps and if you really have a problem or emergency she might help you, but rest assured, you will pay. So I do so much enjoy working with her and I can't wait to see how this next step in my life affects how she treats me! Again, I don't wish ill health or surgery on her, but the timing works well for me.

I'm less whiny today. I am tired, but I am going to make it. I went to work late today and I did have a stretch of about 45 minutes at work where I was scared to death, but other than that the day was good. We were told we had a trauma coming in and that it was a child. We generally send someone down to the ED to figure out what is going on and what role we will play. I went down there and before the child was even there I was being sent back upstairs to prepare for a craniotomy. Opening some one's head is scary all the time. These are very serious cases and things have to move very quickly because time is extremely important. Then when you make the patient a child it makes it at least a hundred times worse. I am not able to move as fast as I would like right now, especially in a crisis. When I do rush around I have contractions. This is why I thought i should stop taking call a while ago. I was very scared because this was one of the worst case scenarios that I have been fearing would occur. The good news was that the child wasn't hurt as severely as we were originally informed. Wonderful news for the child and for me as well!

I heard so absolutely horrible news at work today and I am very upset. I feel terrible because I didn't know there was anything going on at all. One of the nurses in the PACU has a baby that is about six months old. He was a HUGE baby at birth and she had to have a c-section. Well, he hasn't been doing very well I guess. I heard today that he is only 13 pounds right now!!! She keeps telling her doctor something has been wrong and I guess they didn't see there was a problem until now. He is going through a battery of tests but right now on the top of the list is leukemia!!! I am just devastated for her. She had two miscarriages before she got this little guy and now this. I just can't imagine. Cancer is horrible always, but it should never happen to a child let a lone a baby. I just can't believe this. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens, but right now none of the possibilities are good. Please God, help this little boy!

Well...grrr!

I went to my in laws house today and I was given some invitations for my shower by my SIL and I am none too happy. I know they want to do something nice for me. But I also know that this is really about them. I have accepted that and am willing to proceed. I, however, am pissed because on the back side of this invitation it says the shower is at my MIL house. I really thought I had her convinced that wasn't a good idea. She now expects my husband to stay home from work and set everything up and pay for rentals!!! I am very glad he had gone to work when I came home so pissed. He did call however, and got an ear full. He agrees that he will NOT be staying home from work to set anything up. He will help if he is home. That had better be the case. If he stays home from work for this I will be so angry and at this point I can't suck it up very well and behave for the guests.

We had a little discussion last night and my husband had the paper in hand that shows how much money he really can make if he goes to work when he is allowed. Obviously there have been a lot things that have happened out of our control as far as his work. We can't help what they do, but he can go to work when he is supposed to. I think he is finally starting to see the bigger picture a bit better. I know there have been times that I want him to stay home so we can spend time together. His friend that drives me nuts so much has had a couple of good job opportunities come up and his friend doesn't seem to get it. I think Mike has made some realizations seeing his friend be such a dumb ass! He calls Mike to tell him about these opportunities and then tells him how he thinks he will do something else instead. Mike had tried to help him get these opportunities. Mike keeps trying to tell him to look at what is best for his family in the long run and I think Mike is finally seeing that he needs to look at what is going on with his own family in the long run. We will see how this works out, but right now my husband seems to have realized that he is a grown up with grown up responsibilities. Wow! I feel like I should thank his friend for being such a slug!

Good news! Our crib came today after being ordered for a couple of months at least. The box is sitting in Jake's room just waiting for his daddy to come home and put it together. Mike is really looking forward to that too! I had to bite his ear off over the phone today to get him to go pick the crib up because he wanted to leave it at the store until he comes back from this trip. I didn't want to give anyone the chance to make a mistake and send it back.

I am still frustrated. I wish that my MIL and SIL would have just taken half the money they are spending on the shower and bought us a nice gift instead. Mike actually brought this up yesterday while he was cooking dinner. He said that most people's parents give them something really nice for the grandchild. Like maybe the crib or something else substantial. I understand how he was feeling. It would be nice for just once to come from a family where your parents can financially help you instead of the other way around. Just one time. The thing that really bothers us is the expectation. We don't mind paying for somethings, but it isn't like we have a lot of money. We struggle too, but we do make more money. I just don't think we should have to be paying for a baby shower that is being thrown for us. We don't want them to do something they can't afford, nor do we want them to do something we can't afford. I guess I just want to get it over with and move on!

I made it!

It could have been much worse, but it could have been better. We worked until about noon yesterday and then didn't get a call to go back in until 2317. I was dead asleep. I was having really weird dreams about flying and being chased. Hmm... wonder what I was reading before I fell asleep??

The bad thing was that it was for an ectopic pregnancy. It made me sad and I felt bad having to go get her and bring her to surgery with my giant belly in her face. Ruptured ectopic pregnancies can truly be life threatening. There can be a tremendous amount of blood loss into the belly in a short period of time. This is was one of the worst ones I have seen. I was extremely glad that my OB was the one doing the surgery. He is the very best we have and excellent at his job. Our other OB's are good, but everyone involved was relieved he was the doctor doing the surgery with the seriousness of the situation. He is so calm and never gets to excited. He does get whiny about things but I have NEVER seen him loss his cool in a harried situation. That is part of why he is MY doctor.

So we left at 0200 this morning and had to go back to work at 0630. Have I mentioned before how much my charge nurse pisses me off?? There were more Rn's not in rooms are there were rooms running. There was absolutely no reason I should have even had to come to work today. I should not have had to stay until my room was finished a little after 1300 because an additional three Rn's came in as late shifts. What a bitch! I have so much stuff I need to do as a coordinator for both GYN and Plastics and I had to be in a room. That was just ridiculous!

Not another call for at least ten weeks. I am so looking forward to that! I am so stinking tired but it is too hot to sleep. My back is just killing me so much of the time now. It is so hard to breathe. Jake just feels huge. My belly is huge! I gained four pounds this last time from one ob visit to the next (that was three weeks) and I feel like it was all in my face. My face has always been round, but holy crap is it worse. I am having a lot more trouble talking again right now and I don't know if it is because of the muscles that are currently trying to regain function or because of the added fat to the already weak side of my face. It is very frustrating, because things had been doing better, well, kind of at least.

I just keep wondering how much longer I am going to be able to make this. I can't bend over any more. I am so stinking hot. I am uncomfortable most of the time. And yet I am still hoping that I will make it three more weeks. I don't know I will be able to live with myself by then, but it will make things easier for us if I can make it to 39 weeks. I'm still believe that my body will hold on to this child for longer than that, like 41 weeks or so, but I don't know about my sanity! I can't help but worrying about so many things. I have been having a lot of bad dreams again and I don't want eat anything that is good for me except fruit. I am so worried about getting things done at work and my boss and charge nurse aren't helping. I sure wish I didn't have to go back! When my husband actually can and does work he really does get paid well. I can just see that we won't be able to count on what amount his checks will be for a long, long time. Well, I need to waddle my fat ass up the basement stairs (which is getting extremely hard to do) and go to the bathroom before Jake bouncing around in there makes me pee myself!