Random thoughts

I love game shows. I have always wanted to be on a game show. I'm not sure which one. There was a time when I might have had a chance on Jeopardy probably only the teen and that was mostly in my head. Some of the other games look like more fun. Like there is hope they can really win something. I love Deal, but I read they pick the contestants by casting calls. That doesn't seem very fair. I think I could do pretty well facing the Mob but I am conservative when it comes to risk taking. That is the same with Deal. But there are the long time shows I still watch once in a great while. Price is Right, too many other people. Probably the one I would do the very best on is good ol' Wheel. I don't know why, but I have always dreamed of being on a game show.

Today was the complete opposite of last Friday at work. I still had the same crappy late shift, but we all left before 1600. The regular shifts were mostly gone by 1230. There was only one doctor operating when I got there at 1100 and there were only 3 cases. It was certainly less stressful than last Friday.

I called to change my OB appointment for next week since it is scheduled during my surgery time. The scheduling lady freaked out. She said she didn't think I could do that. She freaked out even more when I explained why I couldn't make it. "A nurse will have to take care of this." That was fine. One of the nurses that I know very well called me later and worked me in earlier next week so they can see me before the surgery. They said they will probably want to see me again after surgery just to be safe. Hopefully, we will schedule our next ultrasound at this appointment. They told me that at my last appointment, but if it isn't in their plan I will have to have a freak out of my own and get an ultrasound for after surgery. The sad thing is, it probably won't take much for me to have a meltdown.

I'm not sure if I have felt the baby move yet. My whole abdomen is so pissed off right now I'm not sure what I can trust anything to be what I think it is. I have felt a few things I would call flickers in the last couple of days. I can definitely feel things stretching and pulling. I still have a fair amount of cramping and I don't like that. I just don't know what the hell is going on in there. I wish I could feel the baby moving more. I think that might make me feel a little better after surgery. My whole belly will be pissed off then too. I may not be certain what I feel is the baby until I get a big old kick. Wait see I guess.

Mike's appointment went okay. His blood pressure was much lower (much lower than usual) when he went in so they said he didn't need any medication. They gave him some instructions for his nose and some medicine, but didn't really DO anything. They drew blood and they said his blood sugar would have to be much higher before they, basically, gave a crap. Great. I couldn't reach Mike before his appointment or I would have gone with him. I was in the position with work that I could have left. He needed a pushy wife there with him. He doesn't always share all the info, ask the right questions, or HEAR what they are telling him. I don't blame him. It is hard to get everything you need in what seems like a split second visit. I know sometimes I forget something, but then I call. I usually go in with a written list.

I have only talked to my family about everything that is going on. My family has a better grasp of medical stuff than Mike's. I am now avoiding them. Mike talked to his mother yesterday and she flipped. According to him, she didn't seem to care much about me and how sick I am, just about what is going to happen to her grandchild. My SIL is coming today or tomorrow and will be here until Wednesday, I think. I think I will stick with the avoidance. I just don't feel like going over it again. I mean I state the facts and the plan and they just don't have a clue. To top it off, the surgeon that I do truly trust my life with, they don't like very much. He had to tell them that my FIL had severe colon cancer a few years back and now they don't like him. I know he explained everything to them, but what he said and what they heard weren't exactly the same thing. There is nothing I can do about that, I just know this is the right doctor. They had the best surgeon we have. I don't doubt that he is better than many other surgeons. That should make me feel better right? I will keep telling my self that.

Scheduled

I got up this morning and there was no hot water. I cried. Anyway, I saw the surgeon and he said the gallbladder needs to come out. He said the ultrasound didn't give a very definitive diagnosis, but it wasn't normal and that isn't good. He said my OB has talked to him twice in the past two days about me. He said my risk of going into preterm labor is higher if we leave the gallbladder in there and it gets worse than taking it out. He said they will give me medications to prevent labor before and after surgery. He said that I will go to the post surgical floor unless I have any problems with baby and then he will do whatever my OB says. I'm scared. I keep crying. My boss was pretty nice. I think my mom is eating this up because she is needed. She said something horrible though when I told her I was scared. She said "whatever is meant to happen will happen." I didn't like that. He said my hernia is small and we won't touch it until I am done having kids and even then it may not need to be fixed. I'm still scared. Next Friday morning.

More fun

I had to be on call last night and I really didn't want to. I didn't have to work much but when they did call me back in it was during another nose bleed for Mike. This is the third major nose bleed in a week. I was able to convince him that he needs to go see his doctor. His blood pressure is on the high side when ever he gets it taken at the doctor's office. When we have taken it at home it is usually a little lower but I think he needs to be considered for some medications. "They" (maybe the AHA) keep recommending lower numbers at what we should consider as "high" blood pressure. Mike agreed to go in and seems to understand that the bleeding "may" not be related to his blood pressure, but that the higher pressure "may" make some other problem worse. He seems to understand that he "may" have to see more than one doctor to fix this problem. We will see what he has done. He called me at 0545 this morning so it was before he could make a doctor appointment. I have found that he is a very captive audience in the middle of a nose bleed. I can gently converse with him and he can't get away.

I visited with my personal anesthetist yesterday about the different risks of anesthesia and pregnancy. She said the major risk I have at this is preterm labor. She said the risks drastically decrease for the baby when you move out of the first trimester. She said they will make slightly different medication choices before, during, and after surgery. She said the baby's heart rate will probably be dropped after surgery because they will still give me pain medications during and after but it won't be abnormal. She said they will keep a very tight window on my vitals during surgery so my body will have the same profusion to my uterus and the baby when not under anesthesia. I won't be give any sedation, which I refused on my last two surgeries, but I wasn't scared to death for those. I didn't have to go to sleep and I wasn't pregnant. She also told me that they very rarely see preterm labor after surgery and it is usually when we do an appendectomy, not a gallbladder. I'm still scared.

So... I see the surgeon tomorrow. I saw my OB today at work and he asked when my surgery was scheduled. I told him it wasn't, as of yet! We will see. This bitch, I mean a coworker was discussing how miserable people can be after they get their gallbladder out to day at work. She was pointing out problems people have that they aren't told about. I'm not sure if she realizes how miserable the person was before. She didn't see them then. Doesn't matter she knows everything. I still have lots of questions for the surgeon tomorrow. I really want to know where I will go. Routine gallbladders spend the night at our hospital. There is nothing routine about me ever. I am wanting to know which nursing unit he will send me to the regular post surgical or OB. The regular post surgical takes care of tons of gallbladder patients and knows their pain. They don't do much with pregnant women and wouldn't be able to do more than stick a doppler on my belly and listen to fetal heart tones. The OB unit would be all over watching the baby and looking for preterm labor, but might not handle the post op pain and so forth as well. If left up to me I will go to OB. We will see what he says. The two units are just different worlds. Neither one is wrong they are just used not as used to taking care of patients that fall in a grey area as to where they should go.

I do believe my body has me convinced that this gallbladder needs to come out. I could hardly breathe last night as I was trying to take care of a patient. Last night was probably the worst of the pain and pressure I have had. I have just felt sick all day today. I'm pretty sure that Cadbury MiniEggs aren't the only thing I am supposed to consume in a day's time. A couple here and there does start to add up calorically though.

Not my favorite day

After work today I went in search of a body pillow. I went to wally world and Target but no luck. I didn't go to the department store but I was too tired. I will have to try there tomorrow. Otherwise I may have to order one. I don't think I will be going out of town any time soon. I try to go to sleep on my left side. I have been trying since shortly after I knew I was pregnant. I knew it would take some work to change how I sleep. It doesn't last right now. I wake up in pain because I have rolled on to my stomach. Then the next time I wake up I have rolled onto my right side because that way I have turned away from the snoring. I have to figure something out because my back is killing me.

I ran into my OB this morning in our doctor's lounge when I was in search of the doctor I was working with today. He asked ME what the results were of my ultrasound. I almost told him that the bitch that did the study didn't tell me. Instead I said "the not very nice lady." He told me to call his office after it opened which was already my plan. I called and they had to get back to me of course. That drives me nuts. The damn thing was done Friday, if I wouldn't get fired I could pull the results up myself in the computer in about 30 seconds. So a couple of hours later the doctor himself called me back. I was surprised, but he is really nice. He told me the report said there was sludge and they couldn't rule out small stones, but the walls were okay. (sometimes they have huge stones and sometimes they are just filled with this sandy tar-like stuff. Both aren't good). He told me he wanted me to see a surgeon and he would get the report sent over to their office. I told him which surgeon I would see and he got all panicky because he said he thought that doctor was off all week. Well he happened to be operating at that moment so I told my doctor that. My OB is so funny. He told me to hang up and go talk to him right away!!! I did. Lucky he isn't going to be gone all week, just the next two days. He just wanted me to schedule myself for Friday and then I panicked a little. "SHOULDN'T YOU READ THE REPORT FIRST???" Well, yes. He told me to call the office and get myself "fit in" on Thursday afternoon. I did. I thought I had better go talk to my boss pretty quick then because this conversation took place in front of about 6 of my coworkers during a surgery.

The boss took it better than I thought. She asked if I could wait two weeks at first and then she said I needed to do whatever the doctor said. Some days she is very pleasant and then others... Well I was glad to get the pleasant.

I called my husband to tell him what was going on. He told me that all the other people that went through his engineer class have been setup as engineers and sent up to Wyoming to work. Mike still has a month to go before he gets all his trips in (long story). This is good and bad news. They told him before he started that it might take as long as two years before he would be working as an engineer, so it is good news that he will probably be working as an engineer right away. The bad news is that he will have to go up to Wyoming and run the next leg for "awhile." Not great while his wife is pregnant. He said there is a class behind him though with ten people for that leg and they have only sent seven people up. So that would make you think there is a definite end in site. I don't know. The fact the he won't be finished for another month is in his favor and then he has two weeks to work and then two weeks of vacation. We will have to wait and see. I am not to worried about it. Mike is, but we will make it work. As long as he is home by early July I can do this. It might be better. He won't have to suffer with me! We will wait and see.

Where did that four day weekend go? It doesn't feel like I had any extra time off right now. I am exhausted. Friday was a horrible day. I had to get up early to go to a meeting at work which just felt like another bitch fest. I hate it when we have meetings. I always leave feeling like life is worse than when I went in. I went home for about an hour and then I went back to the hospital to have an ultrasound of my gallbladder. That was not pleasant. I went in before my appointment and then had to wait for ever to get help in the admitting area. The ONE lady at the desk was helping a little old couple try to figure out how to get to a doctor's office in another building. It was ten minutes before I even got to talk to anyone and then we had to get some of my personal information fixed that I gave them correctly the day before. How frustrating!

Then I went to radiology and had to sit and wait. When the lady finally came to get me she chewed me out for being late. I had this same lady about a year and half ago and she was a bitch that day too. This time she at least told me her name. I won't forget it. She said she even called up to my work trying to find me. If she was looking so hard for me why did I have to wait 20 minutes for her??? Anyway the ultrasound was awful. My muscles are so sore from coughing and vomiting and then it feels like they are carving into with that probe. After ten minutes of my whimpering she asked if she was hurting me. Duh?? She had a student there learning and she was talking to him but not me. Well she did talk to me. Roll on your back. Lay on your left side. Hold your breath. Oh, you can breathe now. Hold your breath. I don't know how many times I heard that. Then it was sit up fast and hold your breath. It was awful. I can't believe this woman has a job there. Of course we couldn't take a peek at the baby. She didn't tell me what she saw. Well, she did say there weren't any stones. She talked to the student about seeing sludge which isn't great. They kept talking about other patients they had put through the same torture this week so I wasn't sure what the hell was up with me from their conversation.

The sad thing was that my OB office does the same ultrasound, but they couldn't get me in until 1030. I had to be NPO for the study and my dr didn't want me to go that long. I wasn't too worried about that, I was concerned because my actual shift started at 1100. The problem is that I am having trouble eating again. It is a little different that before because overall I am doing better. I don't have the all-day-sickness, I just feel horrible again now when I eat. I have terrible epigastric pain again after I eat. I feel sick for several hours (sometimes up to 6) and then it gets better again until I eat. What fricking fun! I started having some pain last weekend but it just kept getting worse through the week. Yesterday, though, it wasn't too bad. I don't know. I was supposed to call the dr's office Friday afternoon for the results but that didn't end up working out.

So I was tied up for awhile Friday and didn't get to call and see what I need to do or not do. I am not really excited about the idea of having surgery while pregnant. It scares me. I know that we do it. Gallbladders and kidney stones are the two most common surgeries we do during pregnancy. That doesn't mean I want to have it done, but I can't go on feeling like this if it can be fixed. Besides, gallbladders can be horrible little things. They can start rotting in there if you don't take them out when it tells you it is time. People can get sooo sick from them. I know who I will have do it if it has to happen and I am comfortable with that surgeon. We take out so many gallbladders it is hard to believe there are many people that still have them. I have never before heard a peep out of mine if that is in fact what is the problem now. The other thing they mentioned was having ulcers. I thought they gave you a lot of trouble when your stomach was empty. I don't know. I don't care. I don't want to have to do anything I just want to be better.

Today is beautiful and I have taken advantage of that by working outside all morning. Our yard is a freaking pain in the ass. There are so many things that need to be done before spring hits every year. I know I need to get everything I can get done finished while I can. I wore myself out though. There was a point that I should have stopped, but I didn't and now I am exhausted. I should have listened to my body. I just wanted to get more done while the weather is cooperating and I actually have some time. Oh well. I just hope I can get some of the things done in the house that I needed to do today. At the moment I sure don't feel like it, nor do I feel like going back to work tomorrow!

What a day off

Yesterday was a much better day off than today. I did feel so much better after getting some highlights and trim. It made me realise I am going to have to go back again though before I have the baby. My hair is very thin and fine and I have to baby it as far as what I do to it chemically, but I'm still going back soon. It will just get shorter and shorter. Oh well.

I went to a home improvement store afterwards to pick up a few painting supplies to get the damn bathroom done. I was hoping the weather would be nice today and I would take the cabinet doors off and take them outside and get them finished. It was so nice of Mike to get them up for when we had company at Thanksgiving but there they still sit with just primer on them! I love Mike dearly and he IS a very handy guy. He can fix plumbing, he thinks he can do wiring (although everything he had done was better than we started with), and he can fix anything with a motor. He just sucks and getting big things finished or little things done. Anyway, so I know that I am just going to have to open the windows and finish the touch ups and take off the doors and do it myself. (good things to know when looking for a new house, definitely not a fixer-upper). Anyway, I saw this guy that I used to have a bit of a crush on years ago at this store. I felt sad, for him. He is exactly the same. I suppose at 30 or 31 that isn't the worst thing in the world but still. He pulled in the same time I did and I waited to see who in our rural community could possibly own that car. I was expecting a midlife crisis age man to get out not someone my age. I then saw him a number of times through the store and did truly feel sad for him. He had to stop and talk to any woman in tight jeans. He isn't all that age discriminatory either (surprisingly). I was just sad that he hasn't moved out of that stage of his life yet. Then I though, what the hell was I ever thinking?!?

I didn't feel good again last night. I have been having GI problems again since Friday or Saturday and it was really uncomfortable. I was kind of anxious with it. I really wished Mike had been home. I don't know what he could possibly have done, I just wanted him. I did go to sleep in his huge chair last night and that helped some. This is random, but I hate feet. They gross me out something terrible. Mike has nasty, truly nasty feet that smell so bad. In general I want to be no where near his big stinky feet or shoes. Here is the sad thing, when he is out on a run I wear his nasty slippers around the house, just because they are his.

So today, I had an appointment with my regular doctor to refill all my allergy and asthma medications. It was fine. I got there early because I needed to update my name and insurance since I haven't been there for awhile. All of the offices seem to want to add Mike to my account and not vice versa. What does that say? I go more often or I am more responsible about prompt payment of my bill? I just thought that was interesting. I mean the insurance is through his work. I don't know but I have gone to the eye doctor, dentist, and now the family practice and it has been the same. Anyway, I got out of the office pretty quickly which was nice. She was concerned about my current illness, which I said I know I am just to the waiting for it to end stage. She was concerned about my voice though and said if it isn't better by next week I need steroids. I don't do steroids well and she knows that.

Then I got to go to the pharmacy and fill all my inhaler prescriptions and the pharmacist tried to give me a lecture. I wouldn't let him. I told him that now of these were new medications for me and I was fine. I was tickled pink about the bill though. I walked out paying $30 for what would have cost me more than $150 with the insurance I had through the hospital. I came home and Mike had been rudely awakened by someone ringing our doorbell. He was not happy and they were gone by the time he got some pants on. I saw that it was some missionaries that he had just told not to come to our house this weekend. He would have been so mad if they had been there! Mike got up and argued with our insurance company for awhile. My transition from one company to the other has not been smooth. I signed up for his insurance during open enrollment to start at the first of the year. I couldn't change when we got married because I was having problems with my wrist and had already been seeking treatment for it. Surgery would cure the problem, but if I changed to Mike's insurance it would be preexisting and I wouldn't be able to get it covered for two years! So I didn't change since we knew I could in a few months. Well, when I signed up for Mike's insurance they made the coverage retroactive back to the day we got married. Then they didn't want to pay when I cancelled my insurance because they said they were my secondary insurance company. What a freaking nightmare this has been. I still haven't seen a bill for anything related to the baby and I am scared. One day I will get these bills in the mail and they will all be due upon receipt for tons of money. One of the VERY first things the nurse went over with us was a price sheet breaking down every lab, ultrasound, and visit. These numbers made me want to quit my job and get medicaid! Thank God for insurance, once we ever get it straightened out! When we were looking into infertility testing and treatments Mike just couldn't believe our insurance wouldn't pay anything and how much it was going to cost. I just don't know how we could have done it. He would have done anything for me, but I know how. Anyway, I hope today he got it straightened out. It has been so nice because he hasn't made me do any of the calling and hassle. How responsible!

Then as we ate lunch Mike got a nose bleed. He gets the occasional nose bleed but this was like what I see as a postop bleed. He lost A LOT of blood before it got stopped. After he held pressure for 15 min I looked at it. It was pumping. I called the ENT to see if we should go to their office or go to the ER. The only doctor there was in an office surgery so I grabbed both our stuff and pulled poor Mike to the ER. He bleed heavily for an hour and five minutes before it stopped spontaneously. I was shocked that they didn't draw blood from him to check his H&H. Believe me, I know what a lot of blood looks like and this qualified. He lost a liter of blood. I'm sure he had that to spare (he is a smoker and if you didn't know smokers have more of the oxygen carrying component in their blood, for obvious reasons, than nonsmokers. It also means he should clot faster!) God only knows what that visit cost. I was so glad I was home. He doesn't do well with blood. So today was not a restful day. I didn't get anything done that I needed to, but we did go by a humidifier. I sure that would have been quite a help for me these past two weeks had I thought of it. I'm just ready for bed, I think!

Something new

I discovered Saturday, after my first thing vomit followed by a coughing that I have a damn hernia. My groins, particularly the right side, have been very sore with all the abdominal muscle torture. I have been kind of paying extra attention to that. What I hadn't though about was my belly button. For some reason I had one hand on my stomach and the other over my mouth, like a good girl. Holy shit! What the hell was that?!? I coughed again, this time on purpose and sure enough there is an umbilical hernia. I was standing in front of my husband while I was doing this (before the coughing fit he was giving me sympathy for his child making me so ill). I pulled up my shirt and showed him. He freaked out. He grabbed his boots and was trying to take me to the hospital. I laughed and then he freaked out more. It is little and I will talk to my doctor and a general surgeon when I go back to work. I don't know what we do. It goes away, but with my belly to grow that would put more stress on the muscles and make it larger, therefore increasing the possibility of having an incarceration. I don't know. I'm not going to worry about it yet. I am more concerned with the idea of anesthesia during pregnancy, which is less risky than it used to be. Anyway, I know too much and yet not enough about these things.

We had a beautiful weekend. Well, we had our usual horrendous winds, but it was nice other than that. I need to get outside and get some work done in the yard. My husband thinks I won't be able to do anything by the time April gets here and he is all worried about finding a kid to hire to help me with flowers and stuff. He can sure be an ass a lot, but other times he is so cute I could just pinch him.

I took advantage of the nice weather yesterday and went to open houses. This apparently, was the same idea everyone else in town had. Some of the houses were so packed you couldn't look at anything. Most of the people seemed to bring there entire extended families. Mike won't go with me and that is fine. (I just posted on Mike and shopping. It isn't a good thing). I'm not going to live in a house that he likes and I don't and I do take him into consideration when I looking. He will come with a realtor for the condensed viewing. If we have five houses on the list I bet he will be done by the third. He is so funny. Comparison shopping means nothing to him.

I am hungry enough that I have started cooking again. I almost forgot that I like to cook. I have an obscene cookbook collection and I even got a couple out and made a shopping list and got all the ingredients. I have even made a couple of the recipes so far. I still can not stand raw hamburger. Not the look or smell. I bought some and I bought some bulk sausage. I couldn't do the sausage either. I had to open the doors and windows when Mike cooked it too. We went over to my in laws for dinner Saturday and Mike ended up cooking because both of his parents didn't feel good. Sadly it was too windy to grill, so he had to cook hamburgers inside. That still grosses me out. They sure tasted good though.

I am going to get my hair done in little bit and I am so looking forward to it. I'm going to end up missing a meeting at work that was rescheduled for today from last Monday. Well, I was all ready then, but I had this appointment for my day off. I don't really care. However, I have to make so many of these meetings or I stand the chance to have a 3% raise taken away next year. That would suck, but they changed the damn meeting. At this point, while I still have the money, I would rather get my hair done. I was told I didn't have to wait until after the first trimester to get highlights, but I wanted to wait until I was feeling better and thought I could make it through without getting sick. I hope that is the case. My hair is really depressing me. It reminds me how old I am getting to be. My hair used to be pretty blond with lots of highlights I didn't have to pay for. Well, it just keeps getting darker as I age and I don't like that. I got very little from my dad's side that was good, but the one good thing I did get was lasting color. I don't look too hard, but I don't have any grey hair, yet. Now that I am pregnant and will have a baby, I'm sure that will change. But still, I will be happy with a new set of highlights.

Conversation with a dumbass

Dumbass: It's good to see you. How are you guys doing?

Me: We are doing well. We are going to have a baby.

Dumbass: Congratulations, when are you due?

Me: August 22

Dumbass: Wow, you didn't plan that very well did you?

This is when the throb starts behind my eyes and I start seeing red. Then my tongue forks and my head spins around a few times. All sorts of words form but I am too polite to say them.

Instead, Me: We're happy to take what we can get.

Generally the conversation seems to end there. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this. Every time it makes me angrier than the time before. The last two were the worst and I wasn't quite as polite to one of them. See, it was the daughter of one of my coworkers. She brought her little boy up to visit. The little boy SHE got pregnant with when she was a junior in high school! And she says I didn't plan that very well! What I said to her was that for some of us it takes more than one try to get pregnant. The other one was someone who knows we have been trying and talked to me about her own infertility problems. That one hurt.

What the hell is wrong with people?

New world

This week has brought about some interesting new journeys for me. I have started looking at and for baby stuff. I think I have overwhelmed myself a little. I freaked out a couple of times. Who knew there were eight million different car seats and so many different kinds of cribs it is ridiculous. I am holding out for the crib that converts into printing press so I can make enough money to pay for all of this stuff. I am looking at stuff and I ask my sister questions and then she tells me about a whole other line of products that I hadn't even seen. I just want someone to tell me what I need. Exactly what I need. No choices, buy this. I can't involve my husband too much because he can't handle this stuff. I have to do the research and come up with two or three things for him to "help" decided on. He sees me freak out and he threatens to "just go buy something." Oh what a disaster that would be! We are definitely different kinds of shoppers and you wouldn't believe with the crap he can come home with!

I still have a terrible cough and virtually no voice. There are probably some at work that think that latter of those two is fine. I don't care. It still burns to breathe but there is no infection. My muscles are sore from my neck to my pubis from coughing and vomiting. I actually didn't start my day by throwing up twice this week! Two days in row as a matter of fact! If I could just get well, I might feel like a person again. I managed to gain two of the four pounds I lost last week. I'm still surprised about that. I thought I would pick those right back up.

People are starting to drive me nuts though. I can't wait until I have my next ultrasound and the baby had better cooperate. Everyone is now telling me their theory on what I am going to have. I don't like that. There is only one that I am curious about because I have seen others go through it. I can't tell you how many women tell me they were only sick with their girls. I personally have only witnessed one exception and she had HG and that doesn't count. What have you heard on the matter??? I know all I really want is to have a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy. That is what I say and know to be true. I really want a boy, first. I don't know why exactly, but I do. Growing up, my family was almost all female. I had two male cousins and they were my only blood male relatives. I had two uncles that were married two my aunts and a step-grandpa. I wanted a brother. I suspect I also have a deeper psychological reason that I am don't want to even acknowledge. Anyway, would I be happy with a girl? Yes, but there will probably be a little bit of disappointment. I have a ton more experience with girls and they are more fun to shop for, and I do want a girl, I just want a boy first.

I guess I am just happy I am having a baby and that is all that is and should be important. Back to people... One of my friends now thinks she can touch my stomach. I must confess I do like touching pregnant tummies and feeling the baby move. BUT there are rules. I wouldn't consider it if it were not a very good friend. I don't do it unless it is the third trimester. Most importantly I ask first. Usually I won't do it unless she brings it up - says the baby is really pushing a foot out right here. Okay, so my friend is now touching my fat stomach. I tell her that! You are just touching my fat belly, there is no baby there. She did it three times yesterday and only stopped when I reached over and rubbed her fat belly. I think she got the picture. Was that too bitchy??

Weekends are too short

Every weekend is too short. I could barely drag my feet out of bed this morning. I just kept thinking I should have another day off. Oh well, one of my coworkers offered to work for me next Monday and that will give me a four day weekend so I suppose I can make it until then. I just have to take it one day at a time.

I managed to keep pretty busy this weekend. My mom came to town Saturday and I went to lunch with her and shopping. She wore me out. I don't think she took a breath for five and a half hours. She had all sorts of things to show me and things to tell me about the new place she is renting. When she shows up, we take my car and leave hers behind and then I have some control over what is happening. I can't stand riding in her car and it does make me sick even when I am not pregnant. You get so used to driving something up off the ground and it is hard to ride in a car!

My mom shamed me. She pulled out all this fabric left over from a blanket she made my nephew and she was asking if there where any squares I liked or would "work" with my colors. I told her we are waiting to find out what we are having before we decide. She got pissed because I said "we." In the end, I will probably make the color decisions and it will be more like which shade do you like better honey. She just couldn't believe I couldn't make those decisions on my own. I can, I just haven't and want to have my husband's input. Besides, what I told her was the honest truth. I haven't thought about it. I have been focusing on making it through each and every day and that is it. I have only had hope that I would feel better. I do now if it wasn't for the bronchitis and crap.

Then I felt guilty because I haven't started looking into anything for my child. I still stand by the surviving bit and the fact that I have time on my side still. So now I have started asking questions and looking into things on the internet. We have a pretty sad selection that is available to us locally.

I was able to get out of some of the shopping because I said I was too tired. I was too tired to cope with my mother any longer. I came home and put on some pj's and just hung out. I decided to work on some more laundry and so I trudged to the basement and got to work. Mike had changed the litter box for me earlier so I could work down there and he said it smelled in there. I thought, duh, you just changed the cat box that you should have changed last weekend. But then I smelled something too, natural gas. The house we live in is about fifty years old, so is the furnace and water heater - both gas. I got myself out of the basement, came up and called Mike because he was out running around. I started opening windows and doors and he came home. He went down and smelled it too. Great. Just what we need. I got the heck out because he made me and he called the gas company. He wouldn't get my animals out and he wouldn't let me back in! He did at least let me out of the driveway because I was just getting ready to make myself dinner when this happened. I got some fast food (still in the pj's) and went over to his parent's empty house to wait. Their dog just kept farting on me and I thought that was worse than the gas at my house.

To stop rambling, they found nothing. That didn't make me feel better. Mike did smell it too. (it was mentioned a few times that maybe I was just "too sensitive" because of the pregnancy). Whatever, now I am going to be constantly on the sniff. That just reinforces that we need to move.

Sunday was a beautiful day. It was 60 degrees and a sun was wonderful. I missed some of it because I took a two and a half hour nap, but it was a good day. The weather changes too fast. Now it is in the low 30s rain has changed into huge snowflakes that are just beating down. That will be nice, since everything will have a layer of ice under it. Oh well.

Almost 14 weeks

After my ultrasound Monday, I have finally felt better. I actually felt hungry. I know I needed to see the baby and see that everything was fine. I think that has helped my emotional well-being. I also know that this Tuesday marks 14 weeks (I don't know why the counter is off, I should just change the due date). I am a worrier and that is what I do. If there is anything or anyone to worry about I will. If I care about you at all I have worried about you, probably for nothing, but I still have.

I am still vomiting in the morning, but I don't feel sick the entire day. That is so wonderful! However, everyone around me has been sick, very sick. I had managed to escape this which I thought was miraculous, because I have a crappy immune system (might fit with the worrying). I thought maybe, just maybe, the baby was giving me super strength. Wednesday my number was up. I am still hoarse much of the time (which is also part of the illness) but it usually starts getting better about mid day. It didn't, and then I started coughing. Of course, I was on call Wednesday and had to work until about 2030. By then I had a fever and was crabbier than hell. I felt really bad the next day for those who had to work with me. I apologized, but I didn't want to be around me that night. So Thursday I was worse. My cough was now productive and I was lethargic at best. But, you don't call in sick to my job. I didn't get to go home any early at all because the day was so busy. I did however work with my OB so he witnessed my illness and took pity on me.

Anyway, I had my second OB appointment on Friday. I got a concerned lecture about something I NEVER thought I would hear in my life. (I know I will be getting the opposite lecture soon enough). They are concerned because I have lost 10 pounds since the day of my positive pregnancy test. I have be sick! I did lose 4 pounds from Monday to Friday. I told him I haven't been able to eat much with the crap I got. I have been drinking insane amounts of water because it helps with the coughing, and I eat what I can, but I know it has been not a lot. I laughed and told him it was only a temporary problem. I said look at me, do think this is going to be an ongoing issue. He didn't have anything to say. He did give me some antibiotics though and I must say, I do feel a lot better. Most people have this crap for about three weeks and I am sure hoping that won't be the case.

Picture

Here is the slightly creepy picture because you can see all the facial bones. It does look a little better before scanned. This little thing has turned my life upside down and inside out. The vomiting and the bawling, the doubts and the anger. I don't know if I am coming or going sometimes, but this little thing is what I have desperately wanted. This little thing scares the crap out of me. This little thing is what I will do anything for.

Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound yesterday. I scanned in the pictures last night when I got home from having dinner with the in-laws, but Mike put in a new program and I was too tired to figure out how to get all my personal information cropped or colored out. It was cool. I was a few minutes late getting out of work so I just went straight to the dr's office since it is in the same complex as the hospital. Mike was at home and coming up to meet me. He didn't want to get there as early as I was so he waited. They took me back early!! When is anything at a doctor's office ahead of schedule?!?! I had to call Mike and leave a voice mail because he was in the elevator I think to get his ass up there. She started without him, but he still got to see everything he cared to see. It didn't matter how many times I told him at home that we wouldn't be able to tell gender yet, he still had to ask.


Thankfully, we have one baby. There is a strong family history of twins in my family and some in Mike's. My hope was that since we had to work this hard to get pregnant there would just be one. One very active baby. She was having trouble measuring anything because it flipped around so much. We saw the ventricles in the brain, the bladder, stomach, heart. We saw two arms, two legs, two ears and two eyes. We could count five fingers on one hand. The facial bones all showed up well (which is a little creepy). She said the baby measures a couple days larger than dates but still in the range. That surprised me because I was expecting her to tell us it was 3 or 4 days smaller, since we know exactly when I ovulated. Whatever, in the end I don't predict having a small baby. I cried and then choked because I was trying hard not to cry. You would think the tech would see a lot of crying but she acted like I was unusual. This baby that I have wanted so badly can finally be real to me. I could see a heart beating. I could see that it was moving around and looked all right. I could see that the placenta was nicely nestled in at the top of my uterus. Of course now I want a weekly appointment to just "see" that everything is going alright in there.

Still hanging in there

I have my days, or rather my moments. I am still feeling better than I was which is still crappy if that makes any sense at all. I am worse in the mornings and do better when I don't have to jump out of bed and get ready for work. I am taking fewer and fewer naps, but I still want them. I really want to take a nap about 1330, which of course, is when I am still at work.

I have frequent emotional breakdowns on my own time. I am just less patient with others at work. And I am more sensitive to what they say or do in relation to me. I don't let them know that, because I am a stuffer of course. I do freak out at home though. I sob, I wonder what the hell I am doing, I wonder how I am going to do this, I wonder what was I thinking. Then I am terrified. I have had a lot of cramping which scares the fuck out of me. We are still here. It still isn't entirely real to me. I need to see. My ultrasound is Monday and I am just hoping everything is great. I just think this is going to be a long time. I don't know if I will ever be able to relax. That isn't me by nature and I have seen too many bad things. It is always that bad that sticks with you. It doesn't matter if you see a thousand things go perfectly it is that 1001 that didn't that sticks with you.

For so long I didn't think I was ready to get married and be a mom. I didn't think I was "old enough" or something. I just knew I needed to wait until I knew I could do a good job. I have been told over and over again that I have plenty of time. We had plans, we knew what we wanted. Then it was suggested to me that maybe I shouldn't wait too much longer and I thought "I still have time." Then as we moved forward with our plans I realized things weren't working out just as we hoped. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant immediately, but of course I hoped. I started looking into the world of infertility. It scared the shit out of me. I was shocked at how young some of the women are and how long they have already been working on this by age 25. We started preparing ourselves for what may be ahead of us. We started reading about different problems and different solutions and the TREMENDOUS expense. I just don't think I am as strong as most of these women. They amaze me, as I sit here bawling. I read their stories and think what wonderful moms they will be. The things they have to put their bodies through. I know I would have done whatever it took, but now I sit here wondering if we can do this. I'm afraid we will be terrible parents. I wish we could have waited until we had a bit different financial picture, but who knows how long that might have been. I feel guilty that I am pregnant and I have doubts and here they are more deserving than me. I just flip out sometimes.

feeling a bit better

Despite my weekend of work, I am feeling a bit better. Apparently taking more and more prilosec helps me. I am hoping that it is also time. I am 11w6d today and I am hoping, praying that things are just starting to get better. I didn't vomit yesterday and I haven't so far today. I was able to eat cautiously on Saturday. Yesterday I was able to scarf just about anything when I actually had the opportunity to eat. Today I am hungry.

I am still a shit magnet for call, but it really wasn't that bad. I was able to go home a little after 1800 on Friday and didn't get called back all night. I did have to come in on Saturday when for the first time in at least four years I was going to be home oncall (because my weekend is FINALLY fully staffed with RNs). We had to open a second room on Saturday to get the work done in a reasonable fashion. It is terrible to start the day on Saturday with a whole day's work because there are always emergencies and add-ons. We were still able to be out by a little after 1230 I think. Sunday was a different story. When I got to work to washout and infected hip I found Saturday's call crew still there in the mist of a mess. They were nice enough to tell us that we could leave them be and get started with our own day. We had five cases on already when we are supposed to be doing "emergencies" only. The other crew was also nice enough to do one of the five cases for us (4 out of 5 were the same surgeon) to try to ease our day. Of course, these are the people that we helped Saturday (not exactly by choice though) by working in a second room. We had to interrupt our cases to do an actual emergency but it wasn't too bad. One of our instrument people was nice enough to come in and give us a hand and that probably shaved 2-3 hours off our day. We were finished a little before 1700, but one of us had to come back at 1830 for a tissue retrieval. They couldn't come when were there and working, no, it had to be latter. My orientee and I came in and were there for another 5 hours. So I ended up with 15 hours yesterday. Of course the last five were spent finding things to keep ourselves awake. We don't have to do anything for the tissue retrieval, just be available to this team that has flown in and clean up after them. It was 2343 when I walked in the door and I still had to be oncall for the whole rest of the night and report back at 0615. We were incredibly overstaffed today and after a mere two hours I got to come home. Whatever will I do with myself?? Actually, my husband was home all weekend when I wasn't so I didn't get to see him. He hasn't gone to work (or gotten up) yet today so hopefully we can spend some time together.

Tired

I am not quite as tired as I was a few weeks ago, but I still take a nap just about everyday. The nurse at the OB office told me I needed to get out walking everyday. When? I get home from work, take a nap, eat dinner by now it is dark and the Y is packed. Watch TV for an hour or so and go to bed. I am hoping with the second trimester I will be feeling better and have more (any?) energy.

I have been miserable too. I feel sick all the time. Today was the first day I wasn't able to get both of the dogs out for their morning business before getting sick. Thank goodness it was 0530 on a Saturday and it was snowing when I was out with Molly because I had no control. A week ago I talked to one of our ENTs because I am getting so hoarse. I blend in because everyone else is sick. But mine is from vomiting. He said a combination of the acid and, as the DOCTOR put it, the "chunding" and how I strain my vocal cords then. He told me to start taking prilosec to help raise the pH of my stomach and I have been. But I started getting sicker. I have had terrible GI pain. I get sick twice a day and feel miserable the rest of the day. I am in pain after I eat. Yesterday, I even sought out a General Surgeon and asked if I could vomit my way into a hiatal hernia. He patted my on the head and said no, but if I already had one it might be more irritated. He told me to take two prilosec a day. Well, I have never had anything like this before, but it feels like I have a partial gastric obstruction when I eat. I can only eat a very small amount and then I feel very sick. I have epigastric pain for a long time and then it starts to easy and I am starving. So the cycle goes.

I am very unhappy with my charge nurse right now because she keeps putting me in surgeries requiring x-rays. I am not alone in noticing this either. Before I was pregnant, I might do 2-3 cases a week requiring x-rays. Now it is AT LEAST one a day. Most of them aren't little cases either. It pisses me off. Our OR provides us with front shielding aprons and my job requires I move constantly around the room. The title is "circulator" for pete's sake. We have two small wraparound aprons and I wear one of those in addition to my regular apron. The aprons are very heavy, particularly the wrap and it, of course, adds weight and pressure to my abdomen. So whenever I have to wear one of these (always after lunch) it only adds to my pain.

Yesterday was terrible. I seem to do pretty well with bread so I had a total of five pieces of toast for the day (three plain, but I did get PB on two), 1 apple, two andes mints, 1 small piece of cheese and two crackers, and not as much water as I needed. I felt lucky to manage that. Today has been a different story though. I was able to eat part of an omelet for breakfast. Didn't feel great for awhile, but it wasn't pain, just sick. I pigged out at lunch. I ate almost all of a prime rib sandwich with cheese, onions and mushrooms. Okay, I didn't eat half of the meat and some of the bread but I did get all the mushrooms and cheese. I ate some mini peanut butter cups too later. But I am still scared to eat dinner. I am afraid going into every meal.

Last night when I had to work late since I was oncall, I got to talk to one of the other OB doctors I will see and she said as long as I am keeping something down and fluids, I'm okay. I just don't feel that way. This will get better soon. (I keep saying that). THIS will END with the first trimester. THIS WILL get better. It has to. I am not a strong enough woman for this. What did I get myself into? That is what I keep asking myself as I sit and cry when Mike is gone to work at night. How am I going to do this? I feel like a failure already. Other women do this with out it being a big deal, what the hell is wrong with me??

Trip out of Town

My SIL has several jobs. She always has at least one home based business. I think she has sold Stampin' Up! stuff for years. I believe it is only to support her own habit. She has this large book shelf in her basement that has thousands of dollars in these stamps on it. She was talking about where she was going to have to put the next book shelf because they don't fit anymore.

Point being, I stopped being able to escape buying these items. I made my Christmas cards this year and I liked it. It only cost about $150.00 for less that 50 cards!!!! Well, I didn't have any of the basics. I had to start from scratch. But still... She has a group of ladies that love to get together and they make some cards, eat, and spend money. I was able to benefit from this. I got to be the hostess of the party and I'm sure I reaped more benefit than most parties with three times the number of people there. But what the hell am I doing?? I don't need to take up another expensive hobby! What am I thinking??? I have hundreds of dollars worth of stuff coming and I believe now that I am insane.

I drove down to my SIL house the morning of the party. I had to bring all the food and get it set up before everyone got there. Saturday wasn't a good day for me. My MIL went to this party with me and I gave her a very early time to be ready because she makes you stop every 40 minutes for her to get out "for her legs." I was terribly sick Saturday morning. I woke up and I knew I was in trouble. I hadn't slept much the night before because I was getting all the food put together. I spent 45 minutes in the bathroom being sick. It wasn't just vomiting either. So I was extra worried about the drive. I had to call my husband from the bathroom and tell him to call his mother and tell her I would be late. I do believe that there was nothing left in me to come out so I made the trip just fine.

I was fine for awhile. I made it through the party great and then I got really sick again. I had bad abdominal crapping and I felt terribly, terribly bloated. It almost got so bad that I was ready to go to the hospital. It just seemed like something was not right. I was nauseated but no vomiting. My MIL and SIL dragged me shopping and I thought that was going to kill me.

All in all the trip went well. My MIL got in a pout and acted like a child for awhile on Saturday. I certainly would have liked to have felt better. It was nice to get out of town. I had yesterday and today off and I am glad because after the nonstop business of the funeral, the whole week of work, then cooking and traveling again I needed a break. I have to work now through next week without a break. I am planning a lazy weekend then!

Catching up

Boy, have I been slacking. To start. I got a phone call late on the 13th from my mom that said my grandma wasn't doing very well. (Back story: my grandma has had Alzheimer's disease for years. Her mind was completely gone. She has been unresponsive in any cognitive way for a number of years. Physically however she has been fine. So sadly, there has been nothing to do but wait for her body to catch up to her mind. We had to put Grandma in a nursing home I think nine years ago this past fall. A number of years ago she stopped being able to chew so all of her food had to be pureed and everything had to be made the same consistency for her to be able to swallow. So water or juice had to be made thicker. She had some weight loss at that time and we had some rather heated discussions on what we would do IF her weight loss continued. Mind you, Grandma was gone at this point, just her poor body remained. We had three for no feeding tube, one adamant for a feeding tube and my sister wavered back and forth). So back to the call from my mom. The nurse at the home thought that Grandma had may have had a stroke on the 9th I think. Grandma stopped being able to swallow anything at all. She would just choke. So my mom said Grandma is now dying and they weren't sure she would make it through the night. I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point. Grandma is 650 miles away.

My sister and I talked that night because she was in Nashville and was to fly home on Sunday, but where should she go now? We went to bed and waited for the update on Sunday morning. No change. My sister asks me how long I think it will take. I told her I didn't know for sure but she hadn't had any food or any sort of hydration since the Tuesday before. I said it can't be long. Even though Grandma's requirements were minimal, your body still has needs. People dehydrate so quickly, but not poor Grandma. My sister went there instead. I couldn't go because I would only get three days off of work for the funeral. It would take one day each way for the drive. My sister actually got to my aunt's house (same town as the nursing home) on Monday because of the crappy weather and another aunt got there the same day. They sat and waited. My mom couldn't take the wait any more and drove on Tuesday. (We were supposed to go together). Grandma died mid day Wednesday the 17th and the funeral was on the 20th. I left to start the drive on Wednesday after work. The plan was I would go about 200 - 250 miles and spend the night so my trip wouldn't be so long on Thursday.

I only made it 100 miles. I got hit by a deer. I saw it coming straight at me and there was nothing I could do about it. It slammed into my driver's side door then went along the rear door and back end of my car. I think the damn thing ran off then. Fortunately, the damage wasn't too bad. My side mirror was hanging by its wires though and needed to be removed. I called my father-in-law because he has lots of family in the town I was closet too. I had to drive into town with the window down to hold the mirror so it wasn't slamming into the side of the car. It wasn't 20 degrees out so that sucked. I got into town and parked in a well lit parking lot to assess the damage because I couldn't even see it before. Body damage, nothing functional but my mirror. I didn't know where to go and I called my FIL again and every ten seconds he asked me where are you now? I didn't know where to go and that is why I asked HIM! So I just pulled over into a parking lot at a motel and said you tell me where to go when you get a hold of someone. I sat there and cried. I was so tired, upset, and not feeling well. It was only a little after 6pm and I had wanted to go farther. I picked my head up and looked around. I saw a van parked in the parking lot that I recognized. It was a business vehicle and I know there is only one person that covers the entire area. I called my friend and asked her if her husband was in this town. Sure enough. At least something was going my way. This man was a groomsman in our wedding. I was so relieved to see someone I knew. He cut my mirror off for me and offered to get me a discounted rate at the motel. I wanted to go farther and went to fast food place to eat. I then called my husband (hadn't called him yet because there was nothing he could do - he was on a train in the middle of Wyoming). He flipped out and insisted I stay the night. So I went back to the motel, and did get a good rate by the way.

When I woke up the next morning and threw up of course, I looked outside and saw it had snowed. Great. The first 50 miles was hell but after that it was much better for the rest of the day. I made it to my aunts before dark, but I was so tired. That was the worry because I get so tired and take a nap every afternoon. I did stop for a long lunch or I would have been there sooner but I did need that hour break.

Everything went well. I got to see a lot of family I hadn't seen in years. Almost ten years actually. My Grandma had remarried after my mom's dad had died. This was before I was born and her new husband, who was the ONLY Grandpa I had, had a large family of his own. Two of his kids were still at home when they married and they both lived in my Grandma's house at some point (I don't actually think it was at the same time though). Anyway, I hadn't seen any of this family since my Grandpa died in 1997. It was good. I have been sad that I haven't seen them or been back to the town where my Grandma lived when I was growing up. I spent many, many summers at my Grandma's house and I have a fondness for that town.

My sister and I left after we got everything done after the funeral and drove to Omaha to spend the night on Saturday 20th. The weather was bad that weekend and my sister's flight left early that morning. I wanted to split my drive up again and it would have been a lot farther if I had gone up to my aunt's house and across South Dakota like when I came. So the weather sucked. The roads sucked. I drove from 35-75 miles/hour on the trip. Not very much of it was at 75. The worst part was my last 200 miles of interstate 80. There was so much ice and the wind was blowing very hard. I saw about 100 cars off the road and 22 semis in the ditch on my trip across the entire state of Nebraska. I was so sick the whole trip. I knew this couldn't be good for the baby, but I had to be back at work the next day. I had my first OB appointment too. The trip was horrible and I was so lucky I made it home. The last 40 miles was about the easiest of the trip and I think I cried the whole way.

Back

Things have not been going all that well in my neck of the woods lately. But I will go into that another time...

We had our first appointment today. We were able to hear the baby's heart beat! That was after they prepared us for reasons we wouldn't hear a healthy baby's heartbeat at just under 10 weeks. So that was exciting. We made an appointment to have our first ultrasound. I'm not sure who is more excited, me or Mike. One of my coworkers gave me a beautiful little book today that had me crying in the waiting room before I went back. She is about my age, but she is done having kids. She keeps nudging me to get into this more, but I have said I'm not ready yet, that it is too soon. I just want to make it safely through the first trimester and then... we will see.

Here we are

We live in a freaking black hole. We have very few choices when it comes to technology. Cell service? We are helpless with one major company that can treat you as poorly as they would like and then a second, growing company that still has a long way to go to be competitive. Internet? Choices still suck. The services provided are antiquated and terribly over priced. I guess we have something right?? Not this week. We didn't have internet for almost a week.

It doesn't matter. I have been too sick to care. I worked with my OB/GYN yesterday and he asked me how I was and I told him I have been really, REALLY sick. He patted me on my shoulder and said in the gentle voice he has "Remember, this is what you wanted." Did I want to become better acquainted with ever toilet within five minutes of my house (because that is all the farther I will go)? No. I want the end result. I am the first to admit that I am not patient. This is going to drive me nuts.

Last night was rough. I was sick enough to pop some ribs out of place. My back and side have hurt so badly today it has been almost unbearable. (that is what I say now!) My doctor came down today to do an emergency case and I said I NEED pharmacological assistance. Of course, I had to say this in front of my charge nurse and she made some bitchy comment to someone else. I am so tired of being made to feel like I am an awful person. I had to leave my newbie alone today to vomit and I LITERALLY passed eight people that do my exact job doing nothing that could have gone and helped her. None did. Two were nice enough to check on me, but no one volunteered to help.

I sucked it up and finished my day. I apologized to those I work with and made it until the end. Then I went and got my Reglan and for the first time in close to two weeks I am not actively trying not to vomit. I mean I don't have to. Thank God!

How long is it going to last?

I am not feeling well. Morning sickness, which is hitting me more in the afternoon, is not going well. I gag very easily as it is but now... In surgery there are lots of gross things some people may think. Very little bothers me most of the time. I am not big on vomit and mucous. I don't do well with anything suctioned out of an airway any day of the year. I usually ignore it and it is fine. Right now however, the sound of upper airway suctioning is killing me. The sight of an ET tube coming out of a patient with secretions hanging off of it does me in. Part of my job is to be next to the patient while they are waking up and while the airway is being managed. These are not things I can avoid. I don't know what to do. Today, there happened to be two anesthetists in the room in addition to the scrub, my trainee, and myself. That was the only reason I could run out and vomit until I thought my eyes would explode. God help me. I am really tired of hearing that sometimes this lasts the whole nine months. Of course, it still doesn't feel real to me aside from the sickness and the breasts that feel like they are going to pop, and the need to pee every 5 minutes. Maybe when I can see the baby or get to hear a heart beat, then I will feel better about all the vomit.

Bev

Today I went to the funeral of an incredible woman. Bev was an anesthetist in our department when I started. I only got to work with her for a few years, but she is like no other person I have ever met. She always had a smile on her face and a kind word.

Bev became a nurse many years ago. She was the director of nursing at our town's old hospital. I didn't know that. She was such a sweet woman it surprises me to hear she held that position. She became a nurse anesthetist. She was a missionary in African for more than ten years in the 1960s-1970s. She only left because it became so dangerous they couldn't stay anymore. She was literally airlifted out in the middle of a war.

I loved to hear her tell stories about doing surgery in Africa. They did amazing things with very little. For a long time after I started I thought she might be a nun. She never married and back then I felt sad for her that she didn't have a family of her own. As I got to know her I realized she had a very large family and was extremely close to many of her nieces and nephews. She had a wonderful family.

She retired in 2002, I think. She traveled some. She would stop in and visit us from time to time. She was thoroughly enjoying her retirement. Suddenly she started having some health problems. It took them a bit to figure it about, but she had ALS. Actually a fairly aggressive form of ALS.

Some of her friends and family formed a support group for/with her. I never went, but I'm not sure why. It makes me sad now that I didn't. Bev had a letter written at each of the meetings that was brought back to use and we have a special book where we keep these letters. This woman's faith was amazing. She never had a pity party, she never got mad at God for letting this happen to her. She never questioned why did this happen to her. She was amazing. She was a living breathing angel while she was here with us. Please watch down on me, Bev. Please help me to be a better person like you.

Merry Christmas

Against my better judgement, we told our families today. I'm not sure how it went over. I thought people would be more excited. My sister, aunt, and friends that I told were much more excited than our parents. Hmm... I don't know. I know it is still early and I am apprehensive about getting too attached but I thought the grandparents would be more excited. This will mean the first in my husbands family and the "close one" for my mom. I did tell my boss on Friday and it went very well. I was surprised.

My husband has started talking to my belly and I cry. The first time he did it I sobbed and I don't know why. It just... I don't know causes some hormonal meltdown in me.

I hope everyone out there in blog land had a Merry Christmas. Mine went pretty well. I just wish I had tomorrow off to sleep. No such luck. I am afraid my job is going to kick my ass.

Titles can be too much pressure

I don't feel good today. I have been queasy in the afternoons since last week before I even knew I was pregnant. I was sick this morning though and that was a first. I had been up for awhile and I went and got in bed with my husband. (he was able to make it home surprising fast this time). He hadn't been in bed but for a couple of hours and he was taking me to work today. His alarm had been going off and I thought I would snuggle for a few minutes before I got into the shower. He leaned over to kiss me. The weight of his body made me cough and the cough made me heave. My husband makes me puke. I made it to the bathroom but I was very sick. My poor sweet husband, he got sick from hearing me.

I just feel crummy today. I am crampy and that terrifies me. I kept sitting down at work today because I was affraid I was doing too much. I am just so scared and tired.

Let it snow

You can't see the flakes falling in these pictures but they are relatively large. We are supposed to be in the middle of a huge storm. Last night they said 16 - 22 inches. I don't know what the updated report is yet. We have had hardly any snow this year at all. Now everyone is freaking out. Much of our community is just shutting down. That is great for all of us that work at the hospital. Daycares are closing, roads are closing, some of the schools closed of course. Put we still have patients that need to be cared for. The last time we had a big storm my husband was home and came and got me from work. That time my boss was trying to keep everyone because she was worried about how we would staff the next day. Today she was worried about how she could get people home and if they had any problems trying to get to work tomorrow to TURN AROUND AND GO HOME. I don't understand this woman. I got chewed 0n in the process of trying to figure out who goes where because I was covering for the charge nurse while she was at lunch. I get so confused by this woman. Today I got mad, then upset. I could see that my hormones were taking over, but I couldn't do anything. I felt like I had no control. That was great. My fuse seems to be shorter. I don't want to be know as the "angry pregnant lady."

Anyway, we had about six inches of snow when I got home. The picture of my car is after being home less than 10 minutes. I'm not looking forward to the morning. There is no snow removal in my neck of the woods. The county will sand a busy 4way stop by Friday I would think. We will see. My husband was freaked out about leaving me to go to work. I don't know when he will be back. The trains always slow down when the weather is bad... At least it finally feels a little more like Christmas.

news

The doctor's office said it is true! They gave me a date of august 22, 2007!

Procrastination

I don't know if it was my procrastination or my mothers about my coming into this world. My mother was three weeks over due with me when I was born and 43 weeks is the gestational age I was assessed at birth. What would that be? I didn't want to come out or she didn't want to give me up. Regardless, I was only 19.75 inches long, but a giant 9 lbs 7 oz. I was covered in fat rolls, my skin was peeling off, and it was the only time in my life I had a tan (okay I was orange from jaundice).

My mother is a master procrastinator. I am not nearly as bad, not even close. My mom when to grad school when I was in high school and she would be frantically trying to get papers done the morning they were due. She didn't usually start them until the day or two before they were due. My mom was the master at obtaining extensions. Even still, I don't think the ink was dry when she turned the papers in.

My mom made the dress I wore in my sister's wedding. She had the fabric for months. She didn't even cut it out until the week of the wedding. She was very late to the church for pictures and I had nothing to wear in the meantime. My BIL has two wonderful sisters that can sew. They literally had to sew me into the dress at the church. I kept that in mind when I got married. My mom did do some sewing for me, but it turned out mostly alright. She was still more than 45 minutes late for pictures. The photographer did a really good job of distracting me when she was needed and not there. He was awesome about that. (he is very, VERY odd all the rest of the time, but he does beautiful pictures).

What is my procrastination? Christmas? No. Although, I don't have my Christmas cards mailed because the odd photographer has gotten my pictures to me yet. I ordered a small fortunes worth of wallet sized pictures that I very clearly said were to go in Christmas cards and if I couldn't have them early enough to mail, then I didn't want them at all. (they cost almost $2 each. maybe that isn't unreasonable, but it sure seems like a lot to me!) I have had the cards made, the envelopes stamped and addressed since the first week in December. I just did the letter last week, but I would have done it sooner if I had had the pictures.

My procrastination this time? My body. I wanted so badly, despirately to be pregnant by Christmas this year. I, as I believe I blogged, was heartbroken last Sunday when AF came for a visit. As it turned out, it was only a brief visit, like 36 hours and only about the first 18 or so were the normal visit. Then she left. I told my husband this on Wednesday. He asked if I could be pregnant since it wasn't the same as normal. He reminded me of a friend who thought AF was there for the first three months of THREE of her four pregnancies. I told him I would has my doctor since my body has been foreign to me since I went off BCPs. I did tell him that just out of hope and curiosity I did take a HPT on Monday and it was negative. I wanted to talk to my doctor's nurse because I was embarassed. I am a nurse, but I don't know what is going on with me. She was over with him in surgery and I worked with them, but she got away from me before I could asked her if just maybe... His second assistant wasn't one of the nurse practioners or the midwife I would feel comfortable talking to either. I tried to call his nurse in the office, but I got slammed down by the front desk. I think she could hear a waiver in my voice when I asked for the nurse and she knew it was personal not work related. She told me I would have to go on the list to talk to the triage nurse for the day. I didn't know her and I again I was embarrassed. So in the end, I sucked it up and talked to the doctor. He is the nicest man, but I feel like idiot. "Gee Dr. I bleed for a day and half at the appropriate time but that was it. Do you think maybe? Is it possible?" He patted me on the back and said I could "stop by the office" for a test or just take a HPT. I was getting my hair permed after work and I didn't want to do it if I shouldn't, dare I hope, I might be pregnant. He told me a perm was fine if I was pregnant. I couldn't get to his office, besides, they slammed me down when I did try to "stop by."

I did leave work at 1454 and run by the drug store and get a box of HPTs and ran home even though my hair appointment was at 1520. I don't know about anyone else but I have to pee in a cup to successfully perform the test. #1 two lines. I grabbed another one #2 two lines. I tried to call my husband. I was hyperventilating. I was numb and in shock. I couldn't think. I think I slapped myself and went to get my hair done. I appologized for being late and said maybe, just maybe I was pregnant, would it be alright to get the perm. She said it is safe. It is hair color you have to worry about, but not the kind we use on my hair anyway so I am safe to do that when I want as well. I left the 2 positive tests out on the kitchen counter for my husband to find when he got home (while I was getting my hair done). He was almost crying he was so excited. I used the test #3 on Friday morning and it was positive. Then I had to go out and buy a different kind with the digital read out since I couldn't get into the office until tomorrow. Just in case something was wrong with that entire box. #4 was positive too. I'm not sure we will believe it until we hear it from a dr's office.

Mike can barely contain himself. He wants to tell everyone. I wish we could wait until the first trimester is nearing an end. I said we need to wait until we have an ultrasound and a date. He can't wait that long. I want to wait until after Christmas, because I don't want it to ruin his sister's Christmas because she wants a baby too. I have him convinced that we have to wait until we have the word from the lab test and we have to wait until Christmas. I am barely, BARELY pregnant. I want to hold on to that and keep as my own for a bit. I am a wreck. I'm in shock, I am happy, I am terrified. I wake up because my breasts are so sore, they feel like a bicycle tire pump have been inflating them while I was sleeping. I HAVE been an emotional wreck this week. I just can't believe I got my Christmas miracle. I was accepting that I wasn't pregnant by Christmas and that we were going to need to seek some help.

My work Christmas party was last night and I made my husband drink a fair amount at the party to cover up for the fact that I wasn't. I was the DD since he needed to celebrate for passing is test and making it through his very stressful class this past week. The poor baby is not much of a drinker. Two beers and it is bed time. He had three at dinner and then we were supposed to go to a coworkers after party. We got there and there were 75 people and I only knew about ten. I didn't even see the hostess. That is certainly not Mike's scene and it was a bit much for me because it had been going for hours it appeared. It wasn't what I understood it to be so we left. We went over to another coworker's new house and laughed our asses off. Mike drank more than he has ever had in his life. We had a good time. The other place wouldn't have been fun like this.

So the spell check doesn't work and I really can't spell so I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose...

I did it

...for him. I didn't want to and I didn't get very many other decorations out at all, but I put up the tree for my husband. I watched me assemble the actual tree and then I had to do all the lights and decorating. He's 6'2", I'm 5"5", and tree is seven feet tall (not counting the sad goofy branch at the top). Who should be putting the lights on. Yes, some how it is the shorty. Oh well, then I get everything my way. I didn't get out a lot of the ornaments and I used icicles instead of the tinsel DH likes.

I am tired and worked with one of the regular abusers (the surgeon to the nurses) today. It wore me out. We had very difficult cases, but I got to leave on time and come home. I have to get on the computer now because my husband will be on it the entire night once he gets home. He has a week of class and he is really worried about the test at the end. If he doesn't pass his job stops and he has to travel to Salt Lake City on our dime to retake the test. The poor sweetheart just isn't a good test taker. He has been studying really hard and I am very proud of him. I need to write my Christmas letter since my cards have been done since Thanksgiving weekend. I am waiting for some wedding pictures too to send out with the cards. I haven't really been in the frame of mind for writing a letter to all my friends and family, but I think today is going to be the day.

No title

Yesterday I was on call. Surgery is closed on Sundays except for emergencies and there is a scrub and circulating nurse on call. I was called at 0700 to come in to do a case at 0800. Technically 0700 is when my shift starts, but if a Dr has a "scheduled emergency" they let us know a head of time. We all have different jobs and different understandings of each others jobs but for GOD'S SAKE IF YOU HAVE A CASE THAT NEEDS TO START AT 0800 WE NEED MORE NOTICE. Our required response time for emergencies is 20 minutes. It never takes me that long and I am usually the first person there getting everything gathered together. On Sundays it really is just the two of us (plus two anesthesia providers). We come in, we have to figure out what we are doing, get what we need, open the sterile supplies, make sure the surgeon is actually at the hospital, and then seek out the patient after anesthesia has seen them. That is where you never know what you are going to get. It seems as though the other areas you get the patients from don't do anything to get them ready until you are THERE. Then they have things "saved" for when the patient goes to preop. After hours, there is no preop. That is why they were given the orders. So you have to "help" get these things done. Now some areas are better than others, some people are better than others but this step of getting the patient can take a VERY long time - 30-40 minutes sometimes (on occation it has been an hour). So off in our Dr's Lounge is a surgeon waiting thinking we are sitting drinking coffee. Anyway, our patient was in the room at 0817 yesterday and the whining had already started.

Anyway, we did our case. Then we have to wash the instruments and clean the room. Hopefully, you are lucky then and you get to go home. Or, as the case yesterday, you wait to hear from the surgeon because they think they have another patient with the same problem. We didn't have to do the case, but we waited to hear for about 45 min. Then I went home and AF was here. I knew it was coming, I knew this wasn't going to be the month again. It didn't stop me from sobbing for an hour. My husband found me about 20 minutes in and tried to help. He was really supportive and said all the right things. He could get me calmed down to the hick-up crying but then I would start back up again. He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but really he is a big teddy bear. He said he would do anything takes. I don't think he has a clue about this journey we are embarking. I know he wants to make things easier for me. He doesn't want me to stress so much. I don't want to be so stressed. But that isn't happening. My life isn't suddenly going to be completely different. I'm not sure who doesn't have a high stress job? If you know, clue me in on it.

I had to go back to work two more times yesterday. In between, I put up the Christmas tree because a fit was thrown that the tree wasn't up yet. He sat and watched me assemble the tree. No offer of help. I work on laundry and I blubbered. The puppy threw up and then I threw up. I didn't get home until after midnight and I had to get up at 0530 to get to work. I was having a hard time today. I kept hurting myself because I was tired I think. I have pinched or banged just about every part of my body. I very carefully selected my words when I asked my charge if I could be relieve at her convenience. But I just can't win. She did end up getting me relieved but it was after telling me that I had to stay unless I thought I absolutely couldn't do my job. Of course that wasn't the case, I am just very tired and if there was someone extra I would go. That is what is SUPPOSED to happen. Whatever. I was suprised when someone came about 30 minutes later to get me out. Some people whine and bitch about going home after call. I don't ask unless I am really tired or there are so many extra people you are tripping over them. It doesn't matter. I am just very frustrated with my job. There seem to be different rules for different people and you never know what the rules are going to be.

I know some of my problems are hormonal at the moment, some are sleep related, but I just feel so beaten down. I don't feel like there is much fight left in me. I am so disappointed. At least now I can drink! That sounds like the LAST thing I need to do. Tomorrow will be better. The thing is, I think I am tripping on pebbles right now and I think this I see boulders ahead. Maybe not, but I think my optomism and hope are have suffered a severe hemorrhage at the moment.

Today hurts

I am having a very rough day. Work was fine. I don't feel very good, but will live. I am just an emotional wreck. I am not where I want to be right now (in my life) and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I feel very alone and I have this overwhelming feeling of coldness that I just can't shake. I know that sounds weird. I feel cold on the inside and out. Maybe it is that I am shutting down. I wouldn't say numb... I just want to go for a drive, or go to sleep and have it be a month later. I don't know how I am going to make it through Christmas this year. I am trying to ignore it.

Time flies

After fifteen hundred attempts I managed to load my picture so I will post.

My husband and I entered a committed relationship with one another eight years ago yesterday. He surprised me with flowers at work. DH has been very good about sending me flowers over the years. We have both received much harassment about it from my coworkers. Long ago I used to get flowers ever couple of months for no reason. Now it is mostly just the important stuff, like birthdays and anniversaries. I didn't think I would get them this year since we are married now. I was very pleased.

Obviously it took us a long time to get married. We will have been married 5 months in a couple of days. Mike was a little slow at progressing the relationship in the beginning, but in the long run it was really me. Mike is a couple of years younger than I am, but I was the one that wasn't in a hurry. I got a little burned many many years ago and I had some commitment issues. I am also the child of divorce and I have had a distinct lacking in seeing normal adult male/female interactions. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my mother never remarried. I don't think my father has ever cared that I exist.

I just didn't want to rush into things. Obviously we didn't. I just don't want to mess things up. I wanted to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man before I made that legally and spiritually binding commitment. I did get a few ultimatims along the way and that was hard for me. I had to take some leaps and I am more of a baby step kind of person. But we made it here. If we didn't want kids so badly now who knows how long we might have waited to get married. It is funny because when we were finally trying to set a date it was Mike that got a little panicky. He had been nudging me for so long! We desperately want kids but it was very important to us to be married first. It is funny how things change. There used to be a very rigid idea of how things were done in our society but now those lines are blurred. I have known several people who have waited years to get married after they have started families. I'm not talking accidents either, but planned pregnancies. It is funny how marrige does seem to become important at some time or some point. I guess I was a supporter of legalized domestic partnerships. They don't just apply to homosexuals.

Don't get me wrong marriage was still important to me. It was just a scary thing. It was important to me to be married in a church and have our union blessed. My husband isn't religious at all. I was not really raised in a church but spirituality was important to me from the time I was very little. I made my mom take me to church when I was in early elementary school. By the time I was in fourth grade I went to Sunday School all on my own. My family didn't go to church at all. I would get myself up and walk to the church. I would get myself included in church activities with my friends. In junior high that tappered off a bit until we moved to Colorado and then my mom and I made the decision to go to church together. I always worked hard to be involved in church activities. I was never a well versed in the Bible but I always read. After high school moved away from church a bit. I moved several times and it just seemed to slip in the cracks. Last year I made the effort to start going again. I was ashamed when people thought I was new to town because they hadn't seen me in church before. I can't believe what a difference it has made in my life. I feel like a part of me was missing and I didn't even know it until it was found.

I don't know how I got from saying how wonderful Mike is and how much I love him to talking about church. I think it has to do with the different kinds of faith we have. My faith in my relationship with Mike and my faith that my life will follow the right path. It is hard sometimes to have faith and not question it. I want so badly to have a baby and it is hard to have the faith that things will work out as they are meant to. I doubt I will have kids dragging me to church as I did, but I am trying to have faith in God that I will be taking - maybe dragging - kids there someday. Soon, I hope. I'm not good at patience

So close...

Blogger is toying with me. I think I can upload pictures... no wait it won't let me!!! I have something to show tonight!

Stupid blog

I'm not particullarly having a good day. I am struggling with Sparkplug and I came here to write. I had some pictures to commemerate such struggles and all this crap is different. I can't figure out how to fix it either. I don't have any of the usual stuff that is there when I go to post. I can't find anything to help me either. God knows I need help!