I will survive...

So life has been different. I have been through such a roller coaster of emotions lately. It was so hard to leave my job. What I did love I really did love. I feel like that part of me has died a little. What sucked, I don't miss at all. But I miss the people, at least most of them, a whole lot. I miss my coworkers. I miss the doctors. I am used to working with a large number of people. Now I work with a very small number of people in a small tight space. They are all nice though. I am just used to something different. The first two weeks I was worried if this was a do-able job for me. I mean, I know I can learn what I need to learn, but what I was dealing with was not a one person job. And it wasn't, I had someone there with me. But it was such a disastrous mess. My first week on my own was okay. This week was okay, but I think last week was better. It is a different pace. There are still lots of issues to work out, but I think it will happen. It is not perfect. The patients tend to be... challenging. They love the doctor, but don't necessarily like what he has to offer them and much of that time I am the one with that news. We definitely have some challenging patients. That is fine, but they are very time consuming. I have some frustrations but it will get better. One of my biggest frustrations is the amount of time it takes to get things done. There are so many things that you rely on other people and if it takes them time, it holds you up. I can understand people's frustrations with health care. I have discovered that work comp is a nightmare to deal with. Many many of our patients are there with work comp. Hopefully, as I learn more, and as we figure more out, it will get faster. It seems like there has to be an easier way to do a lot of things and maybe there is and hopefully I will find it.



Our life is much different. We get up in the morning and have some time before we have to be out. It hasn't taken us much time to learn to sleep a little later which is FANTASTIC! Jake fights with me everyday worse than he ever has though about going to school in the morning. I have a lot more freedom now and it is strange to me. I can take a longer lunch and leave if I want. Maybe someday I will. I don't much. I tend to try to catch up on calls and paperwork at lunch but I have been forcing myself to try to take 30 minutes for lunch. On Mondays and Fridays I might leave though and then I will take longer. We have a lot of things that we have to get going still and I think it will take more than just me to do the job. They are looking at that though. There were a few surprises that I am not all that happy about, but there still things not set in stone yet so we will see.



It is wonderful to have close to the same hours everyday. I do have to push to get out by 5:30-5:40 sometimes. I have to though to get Jake. It is interesting to see a whole different world of people by having a different schedule or even a schedule. I have yet to get a "normal" paycheck so I am a little worried about that. We will see I guess. Mike has been gone a lot but it doesn't seem like he is working enough. Things are getting bad with the railroad and I think Mike is the closet he has ever been to being without a job. That does not make the pregnant wife feel good. Not at all. I didn't realize things were that bad again and now I am a bit more freaked out.



Jake is so freaking busy. Man, I wish I had his energy! He just goes and goes and goes! He is having a good summer though. Daycare has a ton of stuff planned for them to keep them busy. He starts swimming lessons on Monday for two weeks. I wish I could go with him. I would love to see that. Actually, it has me a little anxious since I'm not there and my baby will be in water! Jake is working on potty training. He is getting it. We still have awhile before he will be wearing underwear but we hare closer. He totally uses the potty against me though. When ever he wants to manipulate a situation he tells me he needs to go potty. You know, like when he is in time out, time to leave for school or when he doesn't want to do something. He is doing pretty well in his big bed. He won't get into the covers but that is not a big deal. He still wakes me up a lot. I have a lot of bad nights actually. This whole situation has had me pretty depressed, the weather and then pregnancy have had me just wanting to sleep tons.



I had an OB appointment today. I was down two more pounds this month. I thought it would be up this time but I was wrong. I guess I didn't remember what I weighed last time. I took my glucose tolerance test this week and passed just fine. I saw the midwife and I think that I am going to keep seeing her now. I have always liked her but I have felt obligated to see the doctors since I worked with them. She talked to me for a long time and everything she said made sense. Everything she said was on track with what I feel and what I want. I felt like I was finally being listened to. She has been delivering longer than any of the doctors we have now that deliver. I also think she will come in for me even if she isn't on call. When they made my next appointment they just automatically made it with her so I think I will just see her. Many, many years ago I wanted to become a midwife. I really did. But that was before I decided I hated school and when I thought I would be going into L&D when I got out of school. Anyway, I think that is what I am going to do. I have an appointment with an ultrasound in three weeks. She chuckled at all the notes on ultrasounds to be done on my chart. She was very professional, however, about talking about the difference between the newer doctors and the doctors that started the practice that she knows I am familiar with. The older doctors worked very hard to always be current with best science and best practice. They were never behind, which would surprise many people about our rural setting. Anyway, I just felt so comfortable with her so I will keep seeing her.

Final Friday

Tomorrow is my last regular day. I'm on call, of course. I still have to work Saturday and Sunday call too. But this is sooooo hard! I cried I don't know how many times today. I am trying to get all these ends tied up and it is hard. I'm not being given time to do it, of course. At least today a coworker agreed to take my coordinator duties. That makes me feel better. She has never done it before but there was once a day that I hadn't done it as well. She has a lot to learn but there are other people there to help her which wasn't the case for me. Plus, things are in pretty good shape for her as I leave. I feel much better about leaving. She will do a good job. Plus, it isn't like I am leaving the planet and I can always help her from a distance. I just wish I had a bit more time to try to teach her a few things. There are lot. I need to get some stuff signed off on the person I am, well, I guess I was orienting. As much as I have complained, I am very sad. I will miss this place, it feels like home. My current boss is already setting up meetings for me at my new job. I almost had to walk away from her today and tell her that I still needed to do my job at hand before I could move on.

I am feeling tons of anxiety about my new job. My clothes haven't come yet. I ordered them on the eleventh from a store and I was told NO PROBLEM!! I keep hearing about all the problems they are having getting things done between the office and the areas he works. The nurse that is there right now is ready to jump ship I am told and isn't sure she can wait for me to get there. Sweet!!! It sounds like the major problem is a scheduling issue with associated communication issues. Good news is that scheduling is something I DO understand. I understand this process well. Or at least I have a much better understanding than she has and I know all the people involved in the process. I know all the steps it takes to get something done that people don't realize happen. What I don't know is the office stuff. So, hopefully, she will be there to teach me that and then the other part I can work out. I believe this person is supposed to cover for me while I am on maternity leave so she can't leave now!! I am not feeling confident. People keep telling me that I am a person that gets things done. It doesn't seem like that to me but I hope I can get this done. I hope I can learn what I need. I hope I haven't made a mistake.

Oh boy

Wow, has there been a lot going on. Well by boss came up with another job for me. A unit manager position opened up for one of our other units. That would be the equal of my charge nurse (unit manager) that has been, well, we've gone there in the past. There are a couple of issues with this. I have never worked in that department. I haven't done that job. How am I supposed to be the manager??? The other women in the department have been there for years. They would have to teach me how to do the job. Does that make sense? Only one of them wants to work full time. I think she should have the job. I wouldn't be opposed to going and working there as one of the nurses, but if that job was posted (as it would have to be) there would be much more qualified applicants than me. The second thing there would be a pay raise involved, but that would be because of the increased duties! Ok, if someone wants to pay me more that would be great, but it isn't because I want to have to do any more responsibilities. I don't need MORE responsibilities and I mean a lot more.

Last Monday I told my coworkers I was leaving at meeting where my boss could be there to say she tried to keep me. No one said anything at the meeting. It took a bit for people to start saying anything to me about it. There were only two people that made bitchy comments to my face and they weren't even that bad it was just the presentation. They wanted to know how I found out about that job. I was honest and told them I was told there would be a job and applied when it became an opening and told them it was open for at least four weeks. That hushed them up. One of them even asked me later if I needed an assistant because she would go with me. Really, people have been very understanding. I have cried a freaking ton this week. People keep taking me aside and telling me how much they will miss me and how no one will ever do my job as well as I can. I had to tell each of the doctors that I specialize with and that was hard. I couldn't talk to them much because of the tears. They all understood. Who better knows how hard it is to be on call with a family than an OB doctor? The doctor who was supposed to have delivered Jake was so nice. He gave me a hug and told me not to worry. Maybe we wouldn't get to work together in surgery anymore but I wouldn't be leaving him behind. He would be my boss now. He was teasing me but actually he was telling the truth. He is the president over combined group of offices. So it is true.

Anyway, I have had many people say many nice things. It is hard. I feel like I am leaving a great big family. There are some nasty uncles and CRAZY cousins, but overall it is a good family. So this week begins my last and that will be hard. My last full week. My last weekend. I have already worked my last late shift (not sad). Of course my last call - the whole two days of it next weekend. I won't miss that either. But I am sad. It is making it very hard to try and get excited about a new job and a new opportunity. I really wish I had a few days off before starting. Some time to reset. But that isn't how it works, of course, so I will jump in and not dwell.

I have been working hard to tie up loose ends. I have been writing many many many emails telling people that I am leaving. I got a very nice message from one of my reps. He told me what a good job I did as a service coordinator and that I could easily step into that role at a larger hospital and that he hopes that I am able to go back to it someday. That is always a possibility sometime in the future. I have had many people tell me that I am welcome to come back (except my boss). I still have a lot to do and I hope I can get it all done. My charge nurse isn't being too terrible, but she is giving me some big assignments and that makes it hard to try and get the other things I need to get done. Our department has a meeting tomorrow and I am hoping to find there is someone else willing to take on my service because I have things I need to pass on. I have been doing what I can with the offices and reps and stuff, but they want another name. I don't blame them. Someone has to do the job.

So this week is going to be harder than last. But, I will make it. Oh, plus last week was my birthday and that is always hard for me. Mike did a pretty good job with that. He didn't get me my shoes I really wanted but I will get them eventually.

tough week

So I handed my resignation to my boss last week and she folded it up and gave it back to me. We talked for over an hour and she tried to come up with a way for me to stay. She brought my charge nurse in and well, it seemed like it went okay. I don't really want to leave is my problem. I have been so sick all stinking week. What do I do? I have worried and fretted. I mean I know I am really not looking forward to the change in the work situation. I mean I know I can learn the job but I don't want to have to learn everything new. Especially right now with a new life joining us.

So I have been thinking, trying to decide. I didn't exactly like what my boss had to offer. She wanted me to immediately come out of a room and work with our aides. Last summer a nurse was put in charge over the aides to help that horrible situation. I don't have a stinking clue what she does. She had surgery several weeks ago and is still to be out for several more weeks and then comes back with lots of restrictions because she hasn't been able to put any weight on her leg at all. She has extensive rehab to go. Whatever. I don't want to do her job. I have been helping the aides as much as I can and I recognize that they really do need someone there giving them guidance. I'm not it. Anyway, her offer was to do this until I need to go out for the baby. It is a complete change from the last time I was pregnant. I mean she wants me to be able to take it easy and if I need to cut back I can. Well, I would come back from maternity leave as a casual employee but I could work as much as I want. However, if there isn't a need then I don't work. That is a problem. That is a huge problem. Right at this moment I could truly work everyday but that could change. As a casual employee, you don't work late shifts, you don't have to work weekends, and you don't take any call and you don't work any holidays. You can say that you don't want to work and they can't schedule you. You don't get benefits but you make a higher wage. I don't need the benefits (I can still contribute to my retirement account). But if they don't need you you don't work. Of course they are far from being in that position but I would need to work at least seven out of ten days to keep paying the bills. That is a lot. That would mean that I would have to cross train to most of my sister units and hope and pray they use me too. Mike says we could make this work because I wouldn't have to go through as much change. However, I know my coworkers. This would not go over well. It didn't go over well when the nurse was put in this position last summer and now to add me? Right! I offered to continue in my current position until I went out and then come back casual after the baby is born. Nope, that isn't what she wants. (there is a little benefit to me to come back casual. You don't get to keep your PTO's because you can't use them as a casual employee so I get to use them all up before I come back. That would mean I could take more than twelve weeks off!!!)

Okay, so I have talked to my boss many times this week. She has a position she is trying to create next year and she wants me to do it. It would be full time and so forth, but she doesn't know when it will be open. So I would have to hold on with the casual until that job is open. I'm sure the hospital is going to try to push it off as long as possible. It is a needed/required job but they can put it off until June, July, October, whatever. So that means holding on with an unknown income until then.

I appreciate that she is willing to try to keep me. She really wants someone around that can step into the charge position if my manager gets sick (that happens fairly often, right). I don't want to. It used to be the nurse that is over the aides now that did that and boss won't let that happen anymore. I don't want it to be me. I don't like running the show. The show is a mess!

So, as much as I really don't want to leave, I am going to give my resignation back to her tomorrow. Maybe she will consider me for the other position if my new job doesn't work out. I am concerned that the doctor won't be here for long. I think that is a reasonable concern having watched what happens over the years. He is a hospital employee so there is some obligation there. He does have a contract, but I'm sure he has a lawyer too. I have heard how excited they are to have me starting soon. I ran into one of the three office managers (that is a problem) today and she was thrilled. They can't wait to see me the 24th, I was told.

So now it really happens. Now my coworkers will know that I am leaving and the nastiness can begin. It is now only three weeks that I will have to put up with it. The boss did hire a traveling nurse but my coworkers thought it was to help with the problem we already have, not to help cover my shifts. At least the traveler will allow the person I am orienting to be able to finish her time to be ready to be out on her own. I just have so much stuff to do before I go. I feel bad about that. I didn't get much done this past week because I was too stressed out trying to figure out what I was going to do. That and I worked a shit load. I had a 20 hour day. That alone should help me decide to leave right??

the day has come

Tomorrow is the the day I turn in my resignation. My boss was gone all of last week so that wasn't even an option. I am a freaking wreck. I really don't want to leave, but I don't want my job as it stands. I am very anxious to step out of my comfort zone, but this is my family we are talking about so I will do whatever I need to do. I've just been a mess today. Crying, at total crab, sick to my stomach, unable to complete just about everything I start. Mike is going to work sometime tonight so he wont even be home tomorrow night at all. I just feel like a deserter. I am afraid people won't ever talk to me again. I don't have that many good friends outside of work so that makes it kind of lonely. I know most of them will understand. I'm just not going to be able to see them that much. I mean, I know what it is like, they are always WORKING. On the rare occasion that we go out for a drink after work when we get out in a timely fashion, I won't be able to go because I will still be working. It just feels lonely already and I haven't told them yet.

Well, hopefully my nightmares that Jake is left trapped at daycare and I am trapped in surgery will stop. It is so horrible trying to figure out who is going to pick him up this day and that and who will be with us when I'm on call so we aren't alone. I've narrowly escaped having my name drawn to cover the day's call when the person that was supposed to be on call was home sick. I just can't do that. The day I got it Mike happened to be home and it worked out. It takes lots of planning for me to be on call.

I just wish I could bake up a storm right now or purge tons and tons of crap from my house. I do need to do that, but today isn't the day for either. Jake has been sick. Viral tonsillitis. He has been sick for several days. He has been so naughty when he feels okay and then he gets a high fever and just wants Mommy. He seems to be doing better today. His fever has been down. I hope the same is true for tomorrow because I have to go to work. I don't go to work until 11 anyway. Maybe if he has a fever in the morning I can give him Motrin and it will be down long enough to be in daycare before Grandma picks him up. I do have to go to a meeting at 6:30 and Jake has to go with me.

I can't even get my thoughts together! Thank goodness I wrote my resignation letter yesterday!!!!

We made it

I only have a minute but everything was fine. Everything looked just like it was supposed to. They had no concern that there was anything at all abnormal looking with the baby. We are having another boy too! We only got a glimpse but we could see what we needed to see. I am off for a truly rare thing - a date with my husband to celebrate!

The offer is in

I finally was able to talk to this lady today. I was SHOCKED with what I heard. I never dreamed they could do so well. I didn't know what they could do, but I was expecting about $5 less an hour to be the offer. It wasn't. They offered me 12 cents less an hour than I currently make. TWELVE pennies. I'm glad she couldn't see my face and that I was sitting down. She told me that I wouldn't be eligible for any raises because they are offering the absolute max. I think that means I will get screwed out of the cost of living raise this year. When people get maxed they give it in a lump but since I will be "new" to the Physician's Clinic pay scale I won't get it. Oh well, next year if there are raises I will get it. I don't see them changing cap any time soon, but that's still okay. Raises have become very few and far between so I'm not really expecting the one they are promising us now anyway. Actually, it is technically more than my base salary because I have a 6% adjustment because of all the things I have done for our ladder. Of course there is call pay and the additional pay I get for overtime and for being a service coordinator. Anyway, there will still be a noticeable pay cut, but there won't be any call. There won't be any weekends. Mike won't have to stay home so I can work so that means he should be able to make a little more money (that means I will have to make him go to work when he doesn't want to). No holidays! (I can't complain much because I did only have one a year. Mine for 2010 is Christmas so I wouldn't have to work a single one this year). I never dreamed they could do so well. That makes me feel valued at least. They didn't like my lack of clinic experience but I do have experience that they are only going to find with a very few people in our area.

So it comes down to our appointment tomorrow. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine and then I will change jobs. The hours will be better on our family in the long run. It will be a change in the beginning but in the long run it will be better. I will be able to get kids off to school in the mornings most of the days and there are many after school options. Mike has pretty much told me I have to take it. He couldn't believe that I am waiting for the appointment. We have talked about this many times. I'm thinking he doesn't listen. Wait, that isn't anything new... I will have to buy all new clothes. I haven't had to buy scrubs since I was a student! I have never owned scrubs with any color. I have to find a stethoscope and I have to remember how to do blood pressures (okay, it isn't hard but I haven't done it for YEARS). I have to get a pocket drug book because I'm a little out of date on some of those things and lots of the drugs I will be encountering are relatively new. These are all things I can learn. This is do-able. But man, I will miss the people I love to work with. The problem is that I don't get to work with them anywhere near enough. I think I am going to get in touch with my friend that works there already. I have some questions about how somethings work. Like how do YOU make an appointment for yourself. I do have a few appointments coming up right? I just wonder how things work. I did find out that I may have to float some but my chances of that are supposedly rare because I will be a personal nurse and not on a "nursing team". Let me learn one job first please!